My art teacher
good old stoner dropped a 25 in class!! YAY
(SPoRk, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 14:13, Reply)

MR SAYCE!!!
My yr 7 teacher .. oooh strict and nasty .. short shorts. He used to say "Halt who goes there you silly silly goat pull your socks up thats a big no no!" ... strange man ... he used to get really stressed about the clicking of pens, so in class my friend michelle and i used to pass around a note saying "click your pens when michelle coughs" and when she coughed ... ooohhhhh it was the beautiful sight of a middle aged bachelor going insane! he seemed unable to notice that it was the whole class doing it and i always got the detention!
(SPoRk, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Sean Connery Sheep Shagger
Whoa there. He's not even Welsh! Good old Mr. Hanlon looks like a sheep, and therefore with a child's reasoning, shags them...? Well he also looks like Sean Connery. He also has the weirdest voice ever. Gruff to the limit. Our school uniform is green. So when he doesn't know someones name, he belts;
"YOU BOY! IN THE GREEN!"
"But sir, I'm a girl..."
"GET OUT!!!"
(Dooley, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Oh, I almost forgot...
... back in primary school had a lovely hippie type teacher who's end of term treat was always, without fail, an afternoon of her playing the guitar. Unfortunately, she only knew the one chord, and always accentuated what she was singing when she played it. So songs always sounded a bit like this:

'KUM-ba-YA my LORD, kum-BA-ya...'

And so on and so forth.
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Sat 12 Nov 2005, 13:26, Reply)

Christ, where to start....
... Alcoholic Business Studies teacher with a spectacular glowing nose who used to sit there and play solitaire on his laptop for an hour because he was too hungover to teach us. Got annoyed one day when kid he'd sent out the room opened the door and said 'if you're stuck sir you can move that red seven.'

Strangely odd and pervy P.E/Maths teacher who would often refuse to let us shower after sport and then refuse to open the windows in maths class after, saying 'What's wrong with the rugged smell of man boys? What's wrong with the rugged smell of man?'

Art teacher who was jailed for 'antics' with two students, aged 14 and 15 respectively.

Old headmaster sacked for embezzlement.

Different maths teacher who I'm convinced had a drugs problem as he often did nothing apart from lock himself in the store cupboard after coming in in the same clothes all week. You could sometimes hear him crying. For some reason I got 4% on my exam in maths that year.

Physics teacher who you could distract for weeks on end by asking him to tell you about trucks. It was his hobby.

But my favourite has to be a different physics teacher who started his own website that contained the local table tennis league tables, a guide to every pub in town rated purely on number of car parking spaces available, and his own personal theory of how the universe started. A year after I left he got a job at NASA. Or some other such improbable-sounding place.

I miss school sometimes.
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Sat 12 Nov 2005, 13:22, Reply)

stupid teacher
My primary school teacher was just unintelligent. I have no idea how he got a degree. I once asked him why the weather got colder in the winter (I was about eight). His response?

"Well, it's because of the wind, I think..."

Idiot.

I've got a lot more...
(mrmistoffeles, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 13:15, Reply)

mad scotsman science teach + eccentric english teach and others
Absolutely mentalist short arsed scot called Mr Sievwright (thinks thats the spelling) loved shouting, throwing things and electrocuting his pupils on the big knob shaped 'tricity generator thing, coulda googled it but wat the hey, bet you know what im on about

told me if i went to university he'd eat his hat, trilby i think, didnt have to worry, hat was safe.

the weirdest teacher but also the best one, Mr Kettle.

I have only vague memories as i was only in his class for a year, but you get the idea everyone has a memory on him and how much he was liked. There are tons of postings on Friendsreunited from a range of about 30 years worth of pupils nearly.

Mad as an ashtray on a bike, used to head butt (fast moving) cricket balls, catch wasps with his bare hands, hit you with a board rubber without turning around a looking at you that sort of thing.

Both of them are dead now tho, shame, cant go rub it in that i didn't end up so bad.

Just thought of others

#Drama teacher that looked like leathery pitbull, didn't know we could see her m'bating in the darkened room
#Art Teacher that painted on her eye brows, very nice woman tho, had an extremely fit daughter ;)
#Wood work teacher with 4 missing fingers, temper like a drill sargent
#PE Teacher, blatant lesbian, looked like a bloke, built like one, barely early 30's, seemed to get off on young girls in very short skirts, s'pose a bit like us lad then
#PE Teacher 2, pretty cool, bloke

this can go on and on, guess it really did sink in then
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 11:49, Reply)

Had an english teacher once back when I was doing GCSEs:
He would spend almost entire lessons retelling his adventures in the pub the night before, including how he once managed to trick his friends into going there via subliminal messaging by whispering the word "pub" under his breath every now and then.

Claimed one lesson that our work had not been marked since it was firstly given to someone in the pub, and then forgotten about. I don't think we ever did see the work again.

Whilst reading To Kill a Mocking Bird, we as a class managed to find at least one innuendo on every page. Got as bad as whoever was reading would pause every now and then to wait for the innevitable outbursts of childish giggles. Other teachers would have put a stop to this, but he practically encouraged it.

Let someone in the class give a presentation on their day out in Soho, which came complete with a diagram of a buttplug drawn up on the board.

Set us a story to read where the main characters name was, and I quote, "John Thomas". Needless to say it was impossible to keep a straight face through that.

Amazingly enough we all learnt stuff about English, although how that happened is rather beyond me.
(Yarg, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 11:23, Reply)

My first RE teacher
She was a nice but orthoritive teacher. Nothing wrong with that.

Now I never witnessed this but I have met many who have , including some girls at the school where my mum works who got kicked out.

According to them, she was very religious/superstisious. A good trick to get out of class was to bring up the subject of the devil and slip in a few mentions off 666 and so on and she'll run in her cupboard, where the kids would promptly lock it (why the hell does she have a bolt on the OUTSIDE of her door I don't know) and run out of the class.

We had her again the year the German exchange students were due to arrive. Thinking It was an apropriate time to teach the meanings of war, we were forced to watch a rather grusome documentary about the nazi's with actual footage of them executing prisnors with nasty close ups of tortured dead bodies.
Lots of the extchange students got beat up that year.
She also made us watch Thread's that year too which gave us nightmares
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 11:08, Reply)

We've all had
the religous nut for a teacher before. You no the one who always seemed to connect the lesson to the bible in the oddest ways. Anyway I had one of those, but this one would throw things whenever she was upset. It started off with a camera she owned. She'ld throw it at the wall and the flash would go off. Then one time she through her shoe that bounced off the wall and a friend in the head. Then after finding a bad report from a subsitute she through a chair...goodtimes in that class though.

Oh ya and once one guy in my class wanted to impress the lady's by making his head turn purple by pressing his hands hard on his neck. He turned purple and also passed out. And one boy offered to take him to the infirmary and Mrs. Kelly said he was to stupid to find the infirmary and sent someone else. That was an exciting day.
(If your not a manc your a wank, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 6:39, Reply)

not quite a teacher but
imagine, if you will, a primary school, where a hundred children between seven and eleven years old look out across a large lawn. on this lawn, we witness a bloody fight between a cat and three pigeons. eventually the pigeons manage to see the cat off, but one is mortally wounded. The caretaker is called in to deal with the unfolding carnage, and comes out with a sack to put the pigeon in while the RSPCA are called. He puts the pigeon into his sack and retreats to his caretaker hut, returning with a spade a few minutes later. despite shouts from my class teacher, he proceeds to bring the spade down on the sack. repeatedly. it went a bit red. said the girls "urgh!". Said the boys "cool!".

said the headmaster "you're sacked."
(flynntoff, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 3:50, Reply)

Our Classics/Latin teacher lost his job
because of a newspaper article which reported his supposed attempt at arranging a sexual encounter with a young boy. He always used to let us know he could see everything that went on under the tables, and he used to let pupils get changed in his classroom. That was in the article too, apparently he liked watching people with no shame changing their clothes.

As is the norm, both my RE teachers and three of my PE teachers were wacko.

RE teacher 1: Assigned us the same work every week for two years. Never read what we wrote, marked us on how nice our handwriting was. Criticised all of us for not going to Church. Looked like a burn victim.

RE teacher 2: Dated at least one pupil. Extreme feminist, assumed that everything I said was sexist. This was bad when she was my form tutor, but worse during A-Levels when I was in a class of four people. Had shouting matches all the time, lots of fun.

PE teacher 1: Completely awesome guy. Beard, beer belly, told us that Bacardi is a woman's drink and we should all drink beer. Used to make us run around the school, in the streets, because he couldn't be bothered to do anything else with us.

PE teacher 2: I seem to remember a punishment from him consisting of going to the canteen and getting cheese on toast for him. Very evil man.

PE teacher 3: Was absent from school for many months as he had some heart operation. "You thought I was gone, but I'm still tickin, lads."

And as a bonus, one of our electronics teachers got stressed very easily and when he did his face turned bright red. Also had time off for heart operation. Shouted at someone for not turning off one of the computers in the lab properly, even though it was a old crappy piece of shit and no permanent harm was done.

A final one I've just remembered; one of the dinner ladies couldn't speak Englsh properly. No matter what you asked for, "Chips? You want chips? Chips?"
(Krunk Hey hey, ho ho, 1100110, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 2:44, Reply)

hammer and tongs
we had this woodwork teacher who was a large bearded bear of a man with immense buttocks... one of the lads one particular day whilst the bear was bent over shouted "FATASS" to raise the tempo a bit from dovetail joits and timber seasoning tutorials . . . . we waited in some suspense for the reaction which could have been anything from a severe four by twoing to chisel up the rectum but to his credit he calmly replied to us small peckered hardly pubed boys . . . . . "well lads, it takes a big hammer to drive a big nail" . . . . we were in doubt as to was wearing the cock in the room from that day forward . . . .
(The Cats Twat, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 2:40, Reply)

High Distinction
Unfortunately, my politics lecturer/tutor did not leer at my breasts, paw at my short skirt, invite me back to his office for "private lessons" or any other of the filthy, pervy things I imagined him doing for the entire thirteen weeks of lectures and tutes while I stared fixedly at the thick black hair on his manly athletic chest lllllllll... (*emily starts doing Homer Simpson "beer" impression*)

I got 90% for my end of year mark, but I would have accepted 50% just to get molested. Repeatedly.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 2:21, Reply)

Maths teacher/peado
When I was at school, we used to have a red heared bearded maths teacher who took us for swimming lessons. We had a swimming pool on the site which should narrow it down quite considerably in Liverpool, and it wasn't SFX. His way of getting us all dressed and ready for next lesson quickly was to threaten us with 'tickling' if we were last to be dressed and ready. Anyway, it always seemed to be a certain effeminate looking boy who was invariably last to be changed, (and more often than not starkers) who would end up being tickled by him in front of the rest of us frantically pulling our boxers on over sopping wet bodies for being the last one ready. Strangely none of us thought much of it at the time, but looking back eeeeurgh!!! Admittedly I am now nearly 35 so things were different back then in regards to being aware etc.
( Marillion's Marble Loo loo loo, I got some apples, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 1:04, Reply)

another post just reminded me
of a teacher we had for maths in year 7 - he never used the word "exam" or "test" or anything like that, and instead used words such as "casserole" and "bbq" in their place.
he was probably trying to be cool and funny, but everyone thought he was a bit of a twat nonetheless.
(moik, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 0:47, Reply)

So so many.
History teacher: Would spend many a lesson telling us about his son's birth and how the doctors had to grab the baby by the head with a huge pair of plyers up his wife's fanny. Awesome man.

Substitute PSE teacher: Started a lesson with each desk having a piece of scrap paper screwed up in a ball. Then he made us have a paper fight. We all threw our paper balls at him.

Chemistry Teacher: Got one student to fill his mouth with bicarbonate of soda. Then told him to wash his mouth out with a shot of vinegar he had prepared. The poor kid nearly suffocated with all the foam. Awesome man!

English teacher: Would make students who didn't bring their homeworks in go to the class next door and sing their favourite nursery rhyme. Excellent!

Cooking Teacher: Sent me out of every lesson for being cheeky. One memorable incident was when making Rock Buns. I called mine "Chocolate Surprise".
"What is the surprise", she asked.
"I forgot to bring chocolate".
"Go stand outside" - She was a bitch.

Geography teacher: "I'll be back in 10 minutes. I had 10 pints last night, a kebab and I think my arse in gonna explode" - excellent man.

Business Studies teacher: Told us that when he was 15 he used to take cocaine every night. He said it was harmless and told us how great it was. Excellent man.

RE Teacher: Told us that religion was a load of bollocks -yes, her actual words and the only reason she taught it was because of the £24k a year and 13 weeks paid holiday. Lovely woman.

P.E. Teacher: Told us the names of the sixth form girls that he wouldn't mind shagging. Excellent man!

Music teacher: Was fit as fuck and about 27 years old. Told us that she had a boob job that cost her the best part of £10k and one lesson exclaimed "I'm gonna go home, go to town and get shagged!" - This was to a year 8 class.

Our school got quite a good OfSTED report too!

/edit

Another RE Teacher: Was incredibly Christian. We were asked to write about the first 7 days (you know, that story in the Bible). He gave me a detention because I drew a picture of God turning night into day by switching a light bulb on!! We would wind him up by saying "Jesus Christ!" when something mildly shocking happened. Oh, and he asked us all what religion we were. Most said athiest, Muslim or Christian. I said "Devil Worshipping". I got sent out!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 12 Nov 2005, 0:36, Reply)

More like weird university...


No, really?
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 23:45, Reply)

Worth a thousand words.

This picture is on the official school microsite!
( TN, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 23:24, Reply)

Do lecturers count?
My Programming in C++ lecturer was f... interesting. In his 1.5 hour lectures he would constantly go off on little stories that (sometimes) related to the work he was showing us, earning him the name 'Tangent Man'. One time he managed to fit battleships into it. No-one remembers how. This wasn't considered a major issue until someone else has to take his lecture for him, with the material having been pre-prepared. The lecture lasted 20 minutes. All hail Tangent Man.

On the other hand, my GBA programming teacher was impressively bilingual. (English isn't his first language, but you'd think it was if you heard him) He's also met Von Neumann, apparently. (if you don't know, don't worry; I'm just being really sad)

Finally, my Graphics Programming lecturer has a webcomic and can kicked my ass at UT2k3 no less than 5 hours ago. He also has a beard. He rules.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 11 Nov 2005, 22:56, Reply)

Is that actually science?
My high school science teacher:

* Was given the role of teaching sex ed to us, which included:
# Asking one class who thought they would lose their virginity in high school
# Asking another class to go home, draw pictures of themselves naked, then bring them to school the next day and give the pictures to other students.
# Playing "Also Sprach Zarathustra" and asking us how it made us feel.

* Told his astronomy class about how he liked to sunbathe naked and how his wife was convinced he would develop testicular cancer.

* Spent classes talking about local school board funding decisions.

* Had a wife who's last name that resembled the name of a brand of vaginal douche and who became the art teacher

* Spent two years supposedly teaching us chemistry, in which I learned nothing, but when we got a different teacher, I picked up the basics in about a month.
( Sydney Bintstow, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 22:55, Reply)

Too many to mention
Starting with the Deaf French teacher who used to turn his hearing aid off and get us to read quietly. Those days every member of the class would get up and say individualy "Mr L you're a cunt" or something similar. at the end of which when we were all sat down he'd say "Boys there's a bit of muttering going on, keep it down"

He used to keep a brown briefcase on his desk with the lid up and used to duck behind it at regular intervals during the lesson. one day he left the room and we discovered it had been left unlocked. Its contents. 4 cans of beer (Three consumed) and a quantity of Foreign porn.

Then there was Dr J an evil tempered old git, he sounded like Ian Paisleys evil tempered older brother. his favoured technique was to hit pupils round the back of the head with his knuckles, into the hollow under the back of the skull. It was announced that he was leaving at the end of the term, and for the last week had two prefects sit in his class as guards. this worked fine till the last lesson he had with the fifth form, who explained to the two prefects that they had better leave or they were going to get hurt. then lethered the shit out of the old biggot.

There were many more, and for my sins in abusing many of these por bastards I now get to find that my friends are turning into teachers. one of which who on announcing that they were going to become a teacher was greeted with 'You? but you hate children!' and another who is the owner of www.rantingteacher.com
(ceebs, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 22:54, Reply)

GCSE english
Shit class, bitter (maybe alcoholic?) teacher whose attempts at giving up smoking were continually shot down. He had these fantastic stories which usually only vaguely related to the English:

- the old man who was bullied by rudes at a Pimlico bus stops
- the Pinteresque men in the pub talking about a man who had many children (their method of contraception: 'he should put a fucking bung in it!')
- when he had a job packing meat and his piles-afflicted supervisor described it as 'like having a red-'ot poker up me arse!'. Bizarrely, this was meant to relate to Of Mice And Men.

After the GCSE mock, we came in to his double lesson to find the blackboard plastered with abuse: 'complacent, stupid, pond life, moronic, idiots' concerning our crap performance.

He referred to his toddler as Baby Brat.

Best of all was when an irritating stupid little Middle Englander asked him how much money Shakespeare made from his plays:

'Sir, how much money did Shakespeare make from his plays?'
pause
'As a measure of how popular he was . . .'
'You materialistic little SHIT! Go and die! No, really!'
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Fri 11 Nov 2005, 21:23, Reply)

An ex-navy physics teacher
who was an absolute control freak and seemed to be convinced he was still in the navy.

One time he put our entire class in lunch-time detention for some reason and when told we would need passes for early lunches before said detention wrote a note "To the galley staff". Priceless. On other occasions his punishments involved press-ups ("Get down and give me 20")

Oh, and before parents' evening I had warned my Mum of his navy origins so when he started by saying "I run a tight ship" she burst out laughing. Nice one, Mum.
(The Sun King, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 21:14, Reply)

last month I had a very weird substitute
he came in and introduced himself
'My name is Rogers. Now, many of you may have herd the rumour that my name is Mr. Rogers, that would be a lie. R.O.G.E.R.S. rogers'
When we got settled down to work after laughing at this fag for a good ten mins.
He then walked around the class asking everybodys name, town ,and what they wanted to be when they were older. when he came round to me and i told him i wanted to be an intergalactick philopapus, he learned my name rather quickly.
As we got settled again someone peeped up at the back 'Rogers, is it ok if we listen to our ipods as we work,
Rogers repied' well, no but im sure this young man at the side * at this point, rogers put his hand over his mouth, stared at me, and muffled something whilst giggling, expecting us all to understand. I replied,
'My most sincerest apologies Rogers(without the foggyest what i was apologising for)'
Wanker
(popcorndude81 witness of the http://b3ta.com/talk/5000000, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 21:05, Reply)

Lovely people
Not so much weird, but just awesome.
Music teachers are the best. Irish head of department who when teaching keyboard, spends 5 minutes getting you to repeat "Elbow, arse, elbow, arse"

Person of small stature who gossips with you and has more respect than any other teacher in the place.

Resident Brass teacher who delights in telling you stories about his kids and any other incident.

Physics Teacher who lets us run up and down corridors, launching air proppeled rockets and throwing corcks attatched to string around.

Chemistry teacher who lets us write our names in purified brandy that we made on the deask to be set alight numerous times.

Ledgends all of them :)
(First post WOO)
(Amers the Great, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 20:50, Reply)

i have some wierd teachers at uni...
i'll link the video i made with my mobile phone..

Leeds met uni, beckett park... on one door..

mr cock....

and the door opposite... mr balls! :D

i was so chuffed when i found this, someone had obviously tried to put these two together!
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Fri 11 Nov 2005, 20:26, Reply)

Mentally-scarring art teacher
My GCSE art teacher was ... different. Firstly there were his colourful descriptions. A young girl was having trouble removing the bag from a bag of clay so my art teacher told her to "think of it as pulling back a foreskin". There was also the alcohol problem he had; we'd find small plastic bottles of brandy all about the art studio. But we were royally freaked out when some friends were discussing their parents and my art teacher randomly said "You know, my Dad and my Sister killed themselves". I dont know if being told that was really worth the A-grade he gave me.
(Shambletine I likes to brushs my teefs, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 20:15, Reply)

mosslands
the same school that the legendary mr scudamore is at has loads of mental teachers.

there's mr potts the history teacher who apparantly used to swear at everybody but now goes around asking people to scream in the corridor or do they like oranges.

mr batch who's head of PE who is the second fattest and most obese person on Earth after Mr Chinn the Food Tech teacher.

Theres Mr Pearson who sounds like someone on helium with a sore throat and Mr Lovely who is totally incomprehensible to understand.

Mr Sinclair is a total scally and goes round walking like one aswell. Mr Fenna who has half a finger and Mr Mair who is off his face on drugs and tells us what drugs he's taken.

And this week my biology homework was to bring in a heart for dissection as the school can't afford one
(The Lord of the Manor, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 19:53, Reply)

my old teachers
My physics teacher, Mr Mcharry, pretended to be very strict, performed fantastic heath-robinsonesque experiments, that took up the entire classroom.
Attempted to demonstrate perpetual motion by using a cylinder vacuum cleaner with a 15 foot hose on each end, one had a funnel in.
The idea was to pour table tennis balls into the funnel, fire them out of the other hose and back into the funnel (some poor "volunteer" got to hold the firing end of the hose). Of course the balls went everywhere except into the funnel.
He also used dry ice for experiments, he got this by wrapping the nozzle of a Co2 fire extinguisher in a towel and letting it off.
He then picked the frozen Co2 up with his fingers. If it wasn't for him I would never have passed physics.

An alcoholic but extremely gifted art teacher.

After going co-ed, they needed a female PE teacher, who was young and very fit, used to walk very slowly past the boys and always wore very tight fitting tracksuits.

There are plenty more examples from that school but listing them all would take far too long.
(twoheads Is currently broke on, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 19:35, Reply)