Mrs Tanner...
deserves to be named and shamed about this!

Primary school teacher - year 2 I think. We had been doing some colouring with crayons one day. I had drawn the sun red, for the very simple reason that I couldn't find the yellow crayon. She took offence here. "The sun is not red" so on this fine and sunny day she marches me outside and says "look at the sun - what colour is it?" Being a stupid 7 year old, I do - "It's sort of blue-ish yellow."

I now think the blue tinge was my retinas being burned.

What a retarded teacher. Don't stare at the sun kids.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 19:27, Reply)

Mad History Teacher
I had this mad teacher and I mean quite mad. Duing one lesson he excused himself using the excuse he had to quickly nip home to pick up his packed lunch. What he actually did was go and find the headmasters wife and bludgeon her repeatedly with a hammer to the head. He then rode his bike up to the top of a local landmark, cut his wrists and jumped off the top. Unfortunatly for him he survived though and ended up in Broadmoor with Ronnie Kray for a good few years. Heamasters wife survived as well.

Just incase this was an isolated incident I just remembered another one which happened the year before. This was a posh prep school for boys which took on weekly boarders. One night the master in charge who was a French teacher (dodgy enough already) comes home pissed and gets in to bed with one of the boys and gave his bottom a jolly good feel, before getting sacked immediatly. Funnily enough he never got prossecuted. This was the early 80s, if it had happened now he would at this very moment be getting his own bottom sorted out every time he bent over to pick up the soap in the shower in his cell block.

Oh yeah then another teacher ran off with the mothers of one of the boys when she came to pick him up. I believe he is now headmaster.

Ahhhh private education works!!!!!

Appologies to anyone complaining about the length of my penis
(Lord Turkey Boy the First The Real Turkey Boy, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 19:24, Reply)

IT
I've just remembered, the IT Technician.

Whilst not a teacher, this was one strange chap. He was Mr. Nerd who in his late twenties was still taking in packed lunches made by his mother and wore hand knitted cardigans. This didn't bother anyone, his sense of arrogance did (He thought he was god's gift) despite having no actual powers. Even the dinner ladies are more respected then him.

Once in year 11, a couple of people hacked/logged onto his user area and found weight-lifting porn. Yes, lots of videos zooming into womens muscles and the like. Very odd.
(tranmerefan, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 19:22, Reply)

Mr Scudamore
Mr Scudamore was without doubt one of the strangest but best teacher I have ever seen. He had a strange habit of limping (rumoured to have shot himself in the foot to get out of fighting in the war, I can't confirm or deny it) the corridor frightening small children who had been sent outside. His lessons has involved screaming directly in people faces to judge the reaction, throwing books from different distances to prove some sort of point.

In his latter years he made a habit of falling asleep in lessons. One time he was stood asleep for about 10 minutes and we all pretended not to notice when he woke up. He also started to forget which class we were (they were three different sets of psychology and he was teaching them all) and so he had a habit of repeating entire lessons, or missing them out entirely.

Sadly his power was diminshing when I left, only the sixth-formers respect him now and the hardfaced little brats that used to be scared of him don't appear to be bothered. Its a shame as the stuff he tought seems to have sunk in.


We also had a physics teacher who used to be a marine. He was about 7ft, with a polished bald head. Sent a small kid out because he was supposed to standing up (I can't remember why) and he thought he was sitting down. He wasn't, he was a short arse and was standing up. Harsh, but hilarious to everyone else.
(tranmerefan, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Things not to do if you want your students to respect you...
Sevenoaks School, late 1980's. We found out that one of our teachers was going to appear on a TV show. About women's sexuality.

She was interviewed and told the world (and more importantly all her colleagues and students) that being tied up drove her wild, and that she could only wear a very thin necklace because anything else drove her too wild.

Very hard to look her in the face after that one. Ho hum. Live and learn.
(blairslovechild, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 18:28, Reply)

Mr Paine.
In Year 11 we had a charming English teacher called Mr Paine. Apart from his "Stevie-Wonder-In-Oxfam" dress sense he was a cool guy... and a hardcore trekkie. He once came into school on None-Uniform day wearing his Star Trek costume. Priceless.
( holygiblets, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 18:28, Reply)

Biogeography
I used to have a really 'strange' Biology teacher , nick name 'Tufty' (god knows why !)he once theatrically stormed into the class from his office at the back of the class (this is how he started all lessons) and threw a tranparency onto the OHP...a diagram of a disected frog ? not on your life !

He had put an architects drawing of a complex motorway intersection. "You have one hour to work out what is wrong with this diagram !" he belowed before storming back into his office and slamming the door. We of course pissed ourselves laughing and spent the hour doing sod all and playing with the bunsen burners etc.

Exactly an hour later, he flew out of the office and demanded that "one of you imbeciles" tell him what the error on the diagram was. We all sat in stunned silence with mouths agog. It dawned on him that the answer was not forthcoming and he turned bright red (another of his spectacular habits) a shouted at us "You are all a bunch of retards ! Surely any idiot can tell that this slip road (points to the drawing) doesn't actually join the main carriageway!!!" he stormed theatrically back to his office, declaring we would never amount to anything before slamming the door with some gusto...

20 years later, I am still stunned.
(Murphysbone, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 18:21, Reply)

Oh..
there was Mr Bolton too. On my first day at secondary school, whilst looking for his classroon, a helpful bunch of fifth formers pointed us in the right direction and said "Watch out for him he's gay". Oh dear, from the word go we were giving him shit.Didn't do himself any favours though. Not only did he look like a paedophile, he wore pink wooly gloves in the winter, and would get just a bit too close when leaning over your desk. Mark Rowe punched him, Justin Stonell threw a chair at him, then he got suspended for hitting a pupil for swinging on his chair. Then the first time I ever bunked off was on a Friday. I spent the weekend shitting myself I would get done on Monday in his lesson, got to school and the fucker wasn't there. Never came back. Had a major spazz and an enormous nervous breakdown apparantley. Shame really....
( D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 11 Nov 2005, 17:54, Reply)

Just remembered.......
i used to have this RE teacher who would spend the first ten minutes of our lessons trying to convince us tht jesus was not an imaginery friend.

Another one who was great but i can't remember his name. He taught us science for two years. He would start reading what we had to do then he would start telling us these really strange stories that usually ended with his life being saved by having a needle shoved up his arse.

At my skool we had this teacher who coverd herself in make up and wass dead wrinkly even tho she was under thirty. She was one lazy bitch she used to send kids to the staff room to make her toast an a cup of tea. She sent me and my mate an we both spat in her tea. We then watched her drink it.
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 17:54, Reply)

weirdest teacher
was when I was a young innocent bright eyed sixth former

he used to keep his socks on in bed

don't ask me how I knew this ;)
(willtheyorwon'tthey, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Flying Rolling Pins Of Terror
Picture the scene a happy cookery lesson, what were we cooking? CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!!! Of course i brought in the biggest pack of chocolate chips and had loads left over, towards the end of lesson whilst many pupils cookies were burnt to a cinder or not done ( due to fucking around and not turning the oven on) my mate says helps himself to a few of my choc chips and i hear a bellowing voice from our teacher ( miss wigley who incidentley threw a wobbly) "LEAVE THOSE ALONE THERE NOT YOURS ARE THEY"!!!!!!!! my mate said as quietly as possible "fuck off you old bitch" well she must have had ears like a fucking radar i feel a breeze past my ear, actually more like a fuckin gale as she hurled a good sized rolling pin at him ( luckily it missed) we all froze and just looked at her and slid out of the classroom.
funnily enough we never attended another cookery class teh fucking bitch
(robby sniffdog the 9th The Man From Delmonte He Say Bollocks, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:33, Reply)

Had a Uni Lecturer who thought he was kidnapped by aliens.
Chronic drink problem caused, he alleged, by said abduction. The events unfolded as such. He went to the pub on a dark and stormy night. He had no recollection of getting home, yet home he was when he came to. Despite the wind and the rain... he was completely dry.
Some of us saw a gap in his logic...
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:31, Reply)

Errrr....
Who's Nigel Manson?

Am I the only one sat here, imagining a big, skinny goth with a 'tash, singing with outstreched arms, about how he's got his own golf course and "I used to be F1 champion, you know..."?

/pedantry/facetiousness mode off.
(Sir Cunny Funt the Gibbonfiddler, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Social inadequates
I attended a jesuit school and basically the teachers were a rag tag assortment of mentalists and sociopaths. There was Mr Johnston a man who had climed everest and competed in the olympics for britain, yet remained one of the dullest men on earth, use to bang on about plate techtonics in a voice that would make a hyperactive 5 year old pumped full of sugar fall asleep. Father Mitchell who amusingly looked like Jesus was one of the campest human being I have ever met. There was the obligatory knuckle dragging p.e teachers who probably had to concentrate very hard not to give into the instinct to start fires all the time. The latin teachers were all very strange. I cant remember the bearded twats name but he always looked and smelled like he pissed himself, he was basically a hobo. Very bitter man hating biology teacher Miss Lee I think who always had a cup full of 'tea'. The deputy head Mr Divers he was a strange and quite frightening middle aged man who looked horrendously repressed and still lived with his mother, I imagine the film saw was probably based on him. Good old Father Hanvey the irish alcy head teacher, he managed to steal quite a lot of money from the school. The only good teachers in the school would end up leaving due probably to the total lack of normal human contact. Oh aye and the time someone managed to accidentally set fire to the class in third year english the teacher at the time Mr Campbell (he had been sent for retraining because he was so useless, he always seemed like he had severe learning difficulties to me) screamed at a girl to shut the fuck up or he would break her jaw because she was scared and crying. We had to stay in the class (still burning) for five minutes before the useless waste of oxygen let us out. Ah happy days
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:25, Reply)

A few that I can remember
include a music teacher Mr. W who used to spit when he talked, could never get your name right and was like a firework with a very short fuse - without any warning he'd just flip. He used to leave lessons to have showers in the changing rooms if he got really pissed off. Punishment was invariably copying japanese out of a book of his, or having a chair thrown at you.

The there was Mr. P the woodwork teacher. Wore awful paisley kipper ties. Used to ask the girls (mainly third year +) whether they would like to go to his place over the weekend and pose for photos.

Dr. B once lost his temper during a chemistry lesson when we were learning about Hydrogen watching footage of the Hindenburg exploding. After the lad next to me made the comment "anyone got a match?" he spent the next twenty minutes ranting about how "we should think before we speak". He used to tell us "You are scientists not Hollywood stars" if we put our safety goggles on top of our head when not using them.

A few of the girls in my year have told me subsequently (during late drunken nights down the pub) that Miss. C used to feel them up in the changing rooms and make comments along the lines of "You're developing well".

Mrs L whose crippling arthritis used to prohibit her from writing very well on the blackboard. The snapping noise when she did attempt to write on the board wasn't the chalk breaking, it was usually her fingers.

Mr. B who sold the Socialist Worker in the High Street at weekends, and used to smell very strongly of drink - you used to get a can of lager off him if he knew it was your sixteenth birthday.

Miss G the sexy Geography teacher who was the fantasy of most of the boys. I see her every day now as her son is in the same class as my daughter. She has not aged very well at all - she also seems to be a bit of a social climber having married a very rich guy. I'm saving my moment for when I reveal to her in front of all of the other parents that she used to be my teacher (I am a hairy-arsed 30+ male) which should take the wind out of her over-inflated sails quite nicely.

Finally:

Mr. H the RE teacher (RE teachers seem to crop up a lot on this QOTW for some reason). His lessons were a complete doss - more of a half hour free period than a lesson as he couldn't control never mind educate the pupils. He used to give 2p to anyone that showed interest and answered a question. He also used to do very strange train impressions. A mate of mine decided to push him and wrote up a piece in his excercise book on the resurrection as "The Erection". My mate got pulled up before the year head on that one.
(Flobbit gave you the horn on, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:15, Reply)

all of them
in primary school we had a teacher who had a plastic pidgeon hanging from the ceiling for no apparent reason, he also drank whole bottles of apple and blackcurrent each day. he did have a very red face aswell.

yr 7 an english teacher who told us she lived next to a cemetary and liked windsurfing but she was at least 50.

theres always one teacher who wears shoes with 4 different colours on them.

'Barry' was cool. he allowed us to him barry and he had one goggly eye. always told jokes about eggs.

one sub teacher who had a bad lisp, everybody responded with lisps in their voice and he didnt like it.

one sexy blonde french teacher who was about 30 but would play up with sexual movements! she also taught us sexy, riqsue french phrases. we used to call her miss 'grand siens'

my classmate was once chased around the room by an elderly maths teacher, he was chasing him with a huge board compass. running over tables and chairs it was lucky he didnt have a heart attack. he wasdoing it as a laugh, not trying to kill a student.

science teachers are made, nearly everyone taught us how to make alcohol, which i did and it turned out good and strong.

there was a lab assitant who looked like nigel manson, we used to make vrooom noises when he walked past even after he told the teacher off us! he was about 40

my it teacher was nice but one day she was sitting on her swivel chair, and i used my foot to make the chair go down. she went down, the class p-ssed them selves and i got chucked of my a-level course. i did get back in with an apology and got a B
(dani_B Bollocks, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:13, Reply)

Not sure where they got their staff from
We have a lot of strange teachers at my skool. Here are jus a few. Am sure they were hired from the insane asylum

One of the strangest has gotta be my old science teacher. He used to tell us all these mad stories. He even told us how to make home made laxatives. I tried it out on my dad an it worked better than expected. Once some of the lads put to many chemicals in this test tube and ther was smoke every where and it blew up. He came over and shouted at them and after the lesson i saw him coming out of the staff room with the head of science telling him how cool it was.


One of the Maths teachers was teaching our english lesson cos our teacher was supposedly ill. He kept tellin us all these jokes that we thought wer ded gud (we were 11) like why did the chicken cross the road? to get away from the pedo on the other side.He also liked to sneak up on ppl in class to make them jump.


Then ther was the teacher who locked herself in the store cupboard cos she couldn't control the class i think she got sacked.


Not forgetting my R.E teacher who loved herself so much that would put her make up on every ten seconds and leave the room for a quick fag in the bogs for ten minutes half way through the lesson.One day she
came back from her sly fag to find she cudn't get in cos we blocked the door by pushing a table infront of it and sitting on it. She went mental and the headmaster had to talk us into opening the door. Took him half an hour.

Just thought i'd mention our headmaster is a short arse with a massive head. We call him Hey Arnold.He doesn't kno bout tha.
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Attempted Exorcism?
I probably can't beat some of these but:
There was the frankly magnificent Modern Studies teacher who kept rosaries in his desk and every time a student got a question wrong he'd say a hailmary and wave them around. He also once climbed on top of a filing cabinet and threatened to jump unless he got the right answer. The resulting slam brought teachers from the floor below upstairs because they thought there was some kind of structural instability with the building. He staged class elections and when no one ran he declared us a proletarian dictatorship. An absolute legend.

Then there was the History teacher who referred to the students as "enemies" and referred to homework as "evidence". The naughty boy's desk outside the class had a sign saying "enemy outpost" on it. It is very difficult to explain his peculiarities. According to my mother, a former teacher at that school, he was an alcoholic and once fell asleep during the monumental (ten minute) journey between Kirkcaldy and Kinghorn and ended up in Newcastle. Once I wrote an essay on refugees which contained the statement "people should be allowed to live where they want to" and he told me he was coming to live at my house. A frightening man, but legendary in his own right.

Nowadays, I myself am a teacher, and probably have a whole bunch of dementations. Thankfully, none of my kids post here, as they're all Japanese.

EDIT: oh, and I forgot about the RE teacher who was the spitting image of Ned Flanders. You can imagine the jokes.

DOUBLE EDIT: and how could I forget the chemistry teacher who set fire to himself and once created a potion that spewed forth purple smoke and silver foam, thus causing the classroom to be sealed off and fumigated?. Ah, what a man.
(weirzbowski, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:57, Reply)

33%longer
You're right, it IS always the RE teachers.

When I first moved to the "big school" at the tender age of 13, we had the traditional RE/Social Repsponsibility (same thing, more morality) lessons by a charming chap known as Mr Stott*

One day we were taught the evils of drugs**, starting with ecstasy. Mr Stott, being the eternally sweet natured chap that he was/is had printed off some pages from a website he had found. Either he hadn't spent very long checking the site, or he'd given us the wrong papers, because at the end of the "bad for you/unhealthy/impotence" stuff, there was a recipe on how to make **liquid ecstasy**. All I can remember is it involved a microwave and tinfoil...


*you can't sue me for libel if it's all true hahahaha

**NB: all you need to know is Rohypnol tastes salty ;)
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:47, Reply)

There are many...
...I'm sure, but Mr Potts the Science teacher sticks in my mind. I actually liked him quite a lot. He was of the ethic work hard and I'll leave you alone, mess about and I'll ruin your shit. We found out he had a bit of a thing for the school secretary, and one day had asked her out on a date. She had said no, so he promptly walked out of the lab down into the car park and poured concentrated hydrchloric acid all over her car. Needless to say he got fired......
( D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:45, Reply)

Freaky Teachers
*unlurks*

During my time at Bog Standard Comprehensive, we had many a freaky teacher.

By far the weirdest was Mr Hope-Simpson, who would do the front crawl on a desk and argue with himself in the stationery cupboard. Unfortunately he left soon after I started, but his legend lives on.

Also registering highly on the weirdo scale was Mr Burrows. He was an alcoholic science teacher who looked like Columbo. He would sit at the front of the lab and drink "coffee" from a mug. As the lesson went on he would start aggressively shouting at children who were sitting nearby, like a meths-soaked Scotsman on the Northern Line. We didn't ever do experiments in his class, I think the Bunsen burners gave him the fear.

We also had a rather odd history teacher called Mrs Morton who looked like Blanka from Street Fighter II. She used to wear a hairband that was made from her dead mother's hair. The fact that she told us this shows her serious lack of understanding of how cruel kids can be. As did the time that she told us that her husband was once stabbed on a train. How we laughed.

*relurks*
(Popinjay, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:29, Reply)

There were more then one.
I once had a replacement English Teacher that copyed Sentences from "The Weakest Link" (Yep, we have a heberew version, dont ask).

Not a very good one uh?
(Scotchman, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:19, Reply)

My PE Teacher
was Stephen Hawking, that's why I was shit at sports.
Maradonna was our Chemistry Teacher, we didn't learn anything there either, tosser was never in class but worked a lot after hours on his own projects.
Kurt Cobaine was the school Psychiatrist.

It's a mystery to me why I was ever offered a Member of Parliarment job, I think I'm over qualified
(ElGatodeBarco, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:18, Reply)

Dobbo.
This man epitomised the word BASTARD.

We hated him, but feared him. He banned the best athlete (13 years old) from our team because he turned up late. despite the fact that the kid had been talking to the headmaster.

He shouted at tiny kids and made them cry, he handed out the most Severe punishments known to child-kind, and he scared the SHIT out of us. We truly and utterly hated him.

I failed a MATHS test becuase I didn't know what a pan-galactic gargle-blaster was.

I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!

He then went on to teach history. Noone learned things becuase it was fun, we learnt things because we were shit-scared of failing.

He was, without doubt, the meanest BASTARD to have ruled in a school, and in Honesty, the only person in the world that I truly hate.


He now has cancer.

Couldn't have happend to a nicer bloke.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:15, Reply)

Oh apple blossom...
Mr Clark the art teacher. What a legend. He only lasted a few terms at school as he couldn't control a class and seemed to be a bit under the influence most of the time. I'll never forget when he said to one of my mates "X, your mother is a fine figure of a woman"

But he was our hero for one incident.

He had a habbit of giving people strange nick names. There was one guy in the year thought himself to be a bit of a ladies man but was a little rich kid and right stuck up cock. Good old Clarky nicknamed him Apple Blossom. Dunno why. Anyway, we had our end of year exams in the big hall like you do, and as Apple Blossom made his way to his desk he dropped his pencil case spilling the contents everywhere. From the back of the room Mr Clark shouts for all to hear, "Oh Apple Blossom, what have you done you poor dear!". Apple Blossom turned bright red and the rest of the room burst out laughing at him.

He didn't last much longer but did come to say hello one day as he stumbled back from the local in his lunch hour...
(FiatPanda, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Mr Shaw, you utter fat cunt
Mr Shaw hated me...with a passion...he picked on me, and often sent me out for doing fuck all...

One weekend, I went to watch my mates dad play rugby, Mr Shaw was on the opposition team...and I heard his nickname...

Incidentally, his nickname was "Little-cock", legend has it that this was because his cock was so tiny, in cold weather, it retracted itself INSIDE his body...

anyway, once this had entered the head of a 14 year old boy with a devious and cruel mind, I decided to repay the fat bastard...I broke into the science labs in the dinner hour, and daubed "MR SHAW HAS A LITTLE COCK AND IS SHIT AT RUGBY" on the whiteboard in what I thought was boardmarker pen...

anyway, I slipped out unseen, smug in the knowledge that the class would crown me king amongst men, and all the girls who had developed boobs would want to kiss me (with tongues)...

dinnertime over, we file into the class to see "Little-cock" frantically spraying the board with Jif (Cif nowadays) and rubbing frantically trying to remove what I had written...turns out that I'd used permanent marker pen, and it wouldn't rub off...

everyone pissed themselves, and thought it was funny...one lad shouted "Oi, Shaw, have you got a little cock then???" and a girl said "show us your little cock"...

it was at this point that he saw his arse big time...he grabbed the lad by the arm, and led him to his store room cupboard, where he deposited said gobby lad, and locked him in...

then sat in his chair and wept like a baby...in full view of a class of 14 year olds...

he left soon after, cos he was struck off for locking a student in a store room...and basically lost any sort of self respect for crying uncontrollably...

They had to get a new whiteboard in...cos even when they removed the ink, it had left a permanent reminder in a nice off grey colour underneath...

and I never got caught...

Revenge, sir, is a dish best served on a fucking whiteboard...he'll be pleased to hear that I got an A too...

hurray for me...
(Big Andy, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 15:06, Reply)

The effects of improper dress
At my school, a shirt and tie was compulsory. The regulations stipulated that all buttons of the shirt were to be done up. One mathematics teacher would refuse to answer any question asked by a pupil whose shirt he could see to be improperly fastened, and would say "I can't hear you, boy - your top button is undone."

The school chaplain was arrested for cottaging and one English teacher enjoyed punishing boys with a horsewhip, but that's probably not very weird at that sort of school.
(knirirr, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 14:55, Reply)

R.E. Teacher
Why is it that these 'professionals' are usually certifiable??

Anyhow, Mr. Howe. He was a true-to-life foaming mouth nut case. In one lesson (famously about "the occult"), I remember him having a total divorce from reality and spazzing out, accusing one of the more "intellectually challenged" members of my class of being possessed!

He also used to speak in tongues, which was wierd, though on reflection he may have been having seizures.

The worst thing though related to a tragedy in his personal life. The death of his son (his son was knocked off his horse and died). Various members of my class used to take great delight in winding him up by making horse noises while he was speaking, to the point where he'd turn bright red, incandescent with rage banging desks and chairs and screaming like a loon about the "evil spirits" in the room.

What a wacko.
(ColdLazarus, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Joke
Our science teacher Professor Peabody told us this joke.

Did you hear about the chemist who killed his wife with a pair of scissors?
He gave her arsenic.

Wild days.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 14:43, Reply)