I have a theory
Beyonce sings at exactly the pitch and level of a nagging whingeing wife.
It triggers my argue or flight reflex every time.
(BigAndyBee, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 3:28, 1 reply)

Any band
and I mean any band, that churns out 'rap metal'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 2:16, 5 replies)

whoever is responsible for that ikea advert
where they sing "always find me in the kitchen at parties" for being the most catchy thing EVER and getting stuck in my head for hours at a time.

edit - just found it on i-tunes, hoorah. that'll fix it.

edit 2 - and it's actually pretty shit. he even gets laid by the end of the song. oh well.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 0:22, 14 replies)

Actually, I thought of a better one
Band Aid - it's like the Toys "R" Us of arseholes!

Where else could you find Phil Collins, Bono, Paul McCartney, Sting, Paul Weller, George Michael, David Bowie, Stock, Aitken, Waterman, Bros, Cliff Richard, Technotronic, Fran Healy, Justin Hawkins and more all under one roof? Has there ever been another musical ensemble with a higher quotient of the smug, the loathsome and the quite frankly disturbing? Has there ever been a record you'd like to hear less that Do They Know It's Christmas? All three versions of it?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 0:14, 2 replies)

Anything
that the beardy cunt upstairs happens to be playing at any given time, if it's loud enough for me to hear it. Gloria Gaynor at the moment (at 1.09 a.m.), as it happens.
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 0:09, 2 replies)

So many to choose from.
I'll start with "james blunt". I had to tolerate his shite for a whole day, after our department had a CD system installed... and were told that we were going to close down.

I wouldn't worry about his army service thing either. If he were any good, and really wanted to serve the country, he'd still be in the army... **AND NOT FUCKING SINGING!!**
(Troutman Roflcocks A glass of port... don't mind if I do., Sun 2 Jan 2011, 0:03, 2 replies)

As a titchy little kid growing up on a diet of BBC comedy there was one thing that really annoyed me
which was its tendency to shoehorn in a comedy song into pretty much every programme it could. I don't know if it was a relic of music hall or some stipulation that entertainment shows had to have some sort of musical content, but every time the comedy stopped and the singing began I would groan and lose interest. There were occasional gems I remember but mostly they were utter shite and I always felt cheated by them. I do like musical comedy - South Park are usually spot on when they do it, for example - but it's a very difficult thing to get right and it's for this reason I'm going to nominate The Mighty Boosh, who in this department are just completely and utterly woeful.

I'll pick Flight of the Concords for runners-up. Tenacious D in third?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 23:59, 5 replies)

I said it before but Michael Buble
is just a cunt.

Oh, you want more?

He's a sycophantic, boring dirge-monger who shits out the most monotonous drivel known to man or beast about 3 times a fucking month, which is exactly the same as his last offering of dried out jizz. Oh and he steals bridges from the fucking Beatles.

He makes middle aged women drip like a fucked fridge because his mediocre good looks combined with his utterly, utterly banal music seems to do something to them that HRT cannot unlock.

The cunt.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 1 Jan 2011, 20:59, 5 replies)

mike oldfeild
Tubular bells
how many times?
must be due for a remastication any time now.
probably in 3D HD.
(spleenspleenspleen coffeeflavouredsugarcoatednicotine, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 20:48, 12 replies)

Liszt
So far up his own arse he was almost inside out.
'I'm ace on the piano, me. ' he'd say (but in Hungarian). Then Rachmaninov came along and wazzed all over him. 'You're shite' he would retort ingo Russian.

Wankers the pair of them. Playing 900 notes a minute does not make you a good musician no more than smashing 30 bricks makes you Bruce Lee.
Chopin must have been spinning in his (sadly all too premature) grave lamenting at how they could defile a piano in such a vulgar way.

And don't get me started on Debussey.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 20:38, 4 replies)

Mozart
is a cunt.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 20:16, Reply)

N-Dubz
I'll say no more.
(urbanbushmonkey, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 20:03, 4 replies)

Seoul's Greatest Band
Korea is really not known for its underground music scene, moreso when I moved there in 2003. There turned out to be a small but promising punk community; say what you want about punk being dead, but pretty well every Korean band was supremely talented if lacking in the originality department. Most of the bands were happy about being labeled as something already existing, like "We want to start a d-beat band" or "We want to start a streetpunk band that sounds exactly like Cock Sparrer meets Rancid." Whatever, they were the first of their kind in Korea, and even the most minor of non-conformity was a huge fuck-you to Korean mainstream culture, which is not used to being told fuck you (once a band's career was destroyed because on a live performance the guitarist spat at a video camera; too many people watching at home took it as a personal insult). Most of the Korean punks were downwardly mobile, with no hope of ever having a white-collar job once they got their first tattoos, due to Korean norms, and despite a mountain of local support, it was a very poor movement.

Meanwhile, in the foreigner district, cover bands were charging triple the door charge and playing '80s covers. The worst of them were the Seoul Penetrators. They gave themselves the title of "Seoul's best rock band" while rocking their covers of "99 Red Balloons" and "Video Killed the Radio Star" while dressed in drag. Naturally in my misadventures promoting local punk shows, I ran up against these musical geniuses numerous times.

You know what, I'm not going to say anything more about these guys; the picture speaks for itself.


(racetraitor has an alibi for, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 20:02, 4 replies)

This man here..


has actually made a career out of being a midland inbred cunt and should be imprisoned for his crimes against music/humanity

Example:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmdw0dB1nvM
(El_diablo_blanco, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 19:31, 6 replies)

Sugababes
Or 'Triggers broom' as they're now known
(Peacocke, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 19:12, Reply)

REM and U2
I've always enjoyed music. At one time, I used to rail against boy bands and so on; I despised anything that smacked of manufacture.

At the ripe old age of thirty and a massive jazz freak whose I-Pod doesn't even contain any rock tracks, you might expect my attitude to have hardened even more. In fact, the opposite is true. Stuff such as the shitecuntery peddled by Simon Cowell and his ilk fails to register - I simply laugh it off if I happen to hear any of it on the radio (which rarely happens, since it's always on Radio 3 or Radio 4). After all, it's not actually music - it's a complete and utter joke and I think even the cynical Marketing Twats who think it up (actually, probably *especially* these Twats) must realize that it's utter, utter jizz.

What really gets to me is the reverence paid to two bands: REM and U2. People actually think that REM and U2 produce music of artistic merit. It's this that pains me beyond fucking belief. "The Edge" (I'm sorry, I think I'm going to have an aneurysm) even got into a "Guitar Heroes" thing on Channel 4 years ago. The Fucking "Edge". Jesus Harold Bishop Christ. Sorry, Mr McLaughlin, Mr Di Meola, Mr Holdsworth et al...no bugger outside of the decent music realm has ever heard of you three chaps -- but some tit with a goatee that looks like it came out of a Brazilian-waxing salon for Cheshire Wives registered on the "Guitar Hero" scale and he can't even play the bloody instrument beyond the level of a thirteen-year-old bedroom guitarist.

Don't even get me started on Michael Stipe. His voice makes me want to shove an ice pick through each of my eardrums. And the jangly, family-friendly guitar playing so beloved of REM makes me want to cry. Not in the same way that hearing Bill Evans playing "Noelle's Theme" or Jaco Pastorius playing "Continuum" make me want to cry: these are tears of pure, unalloyed despair.

The people who like these two bands - I've met a few of them - generally seem to be the kind of people who have no appreciation for music at all. They won't try anything new of their own volition. They drink whatever's advertised on the billboards (in a chain pub, naturally), wear whatever the new season in Top Shop or New Look dictates, and cut their hair according to whatever style the current heart-throb/hot bitch in [Insert Name of Generic Series on E4/BBC3 Here] is sporting. They are middle-of-the-road, staid, anodyne plodders whose musical "taste" reflects their lack of imagination and individuality.

REM and U2: The musical equivalent of magnolia paint.
(Dinting Arches, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 19:00, 17 replies)

like the human body
completely replacing every cell every few years so you're never truely the same person you were. The Sugarbabes. Not really a band more of a coding sequence of information replacing it's consiituant parts every few months. I always wonder what would happen if the three original members got together again and formed a tribute act. Actually I don't.
(Miss B3thpot, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 18:52, 2 replies)

And how could I forget Tori Amos?
Thought I try. . .believe me, I try. Who knew that even a pale imitation of Kate Bush could become more watered down? The only thing that annoys me more than her voice would be her obsessive fans.

On the subject of bland, Norah Jones. I've seen slices of white bread with more verve and ingenuity. She's the aural equivalent of baby food, the music version of that godawful Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Crap. Do chain bookshops and Charbucks have a legal contract to play her drivel at least twice a day, or does it only feel that way?
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 18:22, 7 replies)

The Pussycat Dolls
I occasionally find myself half-paying-attention-to 'Entertainment News', stories from the world of music and TV (the sort of thing which can be bloody good fun when covered by the likes of Popjustice and Holy Moly, and soul-shreddingly tiresome when pored over in Watergate-esque detail by the cocks at Digital Spy and Heat magazine). Over the last couple of years, in amongst the reports of break-ups and rehab trips and anti-Semitic rants from stars of crap films, I've noticed a large number of stories regarding US beat combo The Pussycat Dolls.

Every week, it seems a member is leaving, or an ex-member is rejoining, or a member is off doing something with someone else and missing a concert with the rest of the group, or the rest of the group are having an onstage strop about the absence of the aforementioned member, or another member is leaving, or a member has hinted at leaving, or a member has said they'll leave because another member has already left, or a member has forgotten if she's left or not but will definitely leave if she hasn't already, or a member has got a part-time job somewhere else which means she'll probably leave, or the rest of the group have got the arse about that member having a part-time job and are threatening to leave, or all the members have left, or the remaining concept of the group which now contains no members has announced that it will leave if some of them don't come back. I'm not exactly an avid follower of showbiz news, but even I somehow seem to know every last detail of this group's internal politics. I wouldn't recognise any of them if they stood up in my suit, and yet for some reason I would know that one member had stormed out because the others never wash their mugs up or replace the printer paper. Not a week goes by without the group breaking up or reuniting or losing/gaining a member.

But for all this, they seem to have about three songs. There's the shit one with the bloke from Black Eyed Peas who was rubbish in Madagascar 2, there's the shit one that goes 'Na Na Na Na', and there's the shit one about trying to steal someone's boyfriend by being more of a 'freak' (which I can see working in some areas of the internet, although I've never understood the hunchback fetish myself). Three bastard songs. Even Black Lace managed more than that.

And that's why I loathe them so; The Pussycat Dolls seem to produce an inordinate quantity of 'news' stories for very little actual pop-group product. Members leaving groups is usually big news (the Sugababes palaver has been fascinating stuff), and yet the Pussycat Dolls seem to shed members like most people shed poo. I wouldn't mind if they were churning out perfect pop songs and classic albums, but three shit songs? Pah.

It's like a work colleague who spends most of their time having massive personal crises and days off work to deal with the death of a houseplant, and in return comes in a couple of days a week to fuck up the filing and break the kettle.
(costas, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 17:11, 3 replies)

Coldplay
I don't care if I am missing their so called 'genius' just as family guy said its whiney bullcrap, they have a couple of good songs and they get blow up to being some rock supergroup please...

Also Oasis, another load of old rhubarb, one or two decent songs and they think they're the beatles?!
( kahuna Mangled-at-the-bottom-of-the-cliff, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Sonic Youth
Went to see them the other night and they didn't play a single song that I recognised, the bloody spoilsports. Admittedly I haven't bought any of their post 1992ish albums but even so. The miserable contrary cunts.
(Brugesbear, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 16:20, Reply)

Journey fans:
1. Don't.

2. Stop believin'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Back in 1999
Shite cunty Scottish indie band Travis were on the up, and being an excitable cunty indie fan I went to see them at Exeter Lemon Grove.

The headline band were OK, but the support act were absolutely awful. I liked the whole idea of making keyboards the focus of the sound, but these guys just didn't get it right. It was the most vacuous drivel I've ever heard.

Said support band did their bit, then left the stage to the riotous sound of...absolutely nothing. No whoops, no hollers, not even a single hand clap. They looked dejected and I actually felt slightly sorry for them, but remembering their tedious, mediocre music soon put an end to that.

The name of the support band? Snow fucking Patrol. Cunts.
( krang, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Anyone heard of
the lady who sings whilst selling sausages in the center of the old capital of West Germany - the wurst Bonn diva?

She's rubbish at singing but her frankfurters are delicious.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 13:55, 1 reply)

U2
Bono is a self righteous cunt.

Also, have you ever met anyone who actually likes them? No. Me neither.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 1 Jan 2011, 13:40, 5 replies)

Mozart
the first manufactured pop act of the newly born music industry.
Attributing the works of forgotted contempories like Josef Myslivececk, Johann Baptist Vanhal and Antonio Casimir Cartellieri to this pop puppet.
(Miss B3thpot, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 13:28, 1 reply)

I once watched a very poorly made British porn film.
That was the worst Ben Dover.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Bucks Fucking Fizz!!
so.... as is customary at New Years Eve, TOPT2 was on and they were doing repeats of 80s bands - Bucks Fizz came on!

Now.... Cheryl Baker was CLEARLY a tidy lass back then (she's obviously been to the bakery once too often since Record Breakers ended!) but she had a cracking figure when they sang Making Your Mind Up and "losing" her skirt!

but Jesus H Christ on a bike! those 2 fellas were a pair of cunts weren't they!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Sat 1 Jan 2011, 13:15, 3 replies)