the first time
you do it is always the worst
unless its with someone that you plan on being with for a long time

i know this.
(creem all over your face, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 13:36, Reply)

your Mum

totally failed to fulfil the promise of your grandma.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

my worst sex
was with you.
(court escaper, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 12:43, Reply)

best millisecond of her life
I was travelling about in the States, and had made it all the way from Florida to California because the guy who had bought the van thought he might be onto a promise with a girl we'd met during Mardi Gras. I got her friend, who was skinny and had more gum than teeth, and found it pretty easy to play it cool with her. This clearly sent her into a frothing fizz, so she tried like a bear all evening. Eventually she resorted to getting me shit faced, on that revolting gold flakes & cinammon shit. By this point I was thinking it might actually be fun, so back to hers, on with a johnny, and I swear I don't think I even got in an inch before I popped, much to her disgust. Next morning was fabulous - me with chronic shame & pounding hangover, trying to drink a coffee while she glared at me. Sorry Tammy, wherever you are....
( normix, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Never ask a guy to drink and fuck
During a sexually barren few months after dumping my girlfriend, I changed jobs and was immediately smitten with the boss's fit secretary. Even better, after a couple of weeks she asked me to join a few of them for an after work Friday drink.

After several pints some of us went off for a meal. During the meal the secretary (who had attended a funeral earlier) began weeping profusely and responded rather passionately to a sympathetic cuddle. She whispered to me that she didn't want to be alone tonight. So without further ado we settled the bill waved goodbye to the others and went back to mine.

We sprawled on the floor of the lounge and I went off to make some coffee and unearth my condom supply.

When I returned, the secretary was sparko and gently snoring in a rather sweet manner. I fetched a blanket and pillow and covered her up and went off to my bed alone.

The next day she apologised for falling asleep and after a rather late breakfast we went to my local and began an all day drinking session. At some point in the evening we wandered off to a restaurant. On the way back we began some serious snogging and intimate groping.

Once again we were on the floor of the lounge but this time I was pleasuring her orally and hoping that Mr Stiffy would wake up. The all day binge had caused me severe Brewer’s! Next morning we kissed and cuddled and began making the beast of two backs. After a few minutes of energetic humping I suddenly shot my load without warning! I apologised and said that I should be OK to give it another try after a little while.

The trouble was it wasn’t alright and in frustration (and my eternal shame & embarrassment) she stuffed my half-flaccid cock in her fanny and began grinding away until she came! Curses! Probably the best looking girl I had even got off with and I couldn't perform!!

Worse still she told a few of her friends at work and I was teased a few times!

I kind of got my own back when I copped off the secretary of another department a few months later and she told my boss's secretary what a good sex life we had.
( Vambo, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Sausage
I think the wurst sex I ever had was when that gorgeous, pouting, buxom lass tried to sodomise me with some German sausage.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 11:11, Reply)

I make no apologies for what I'm about to do...
IT WAS YOUR MUM!!!!!!!!!!11
(Papa Chocolat, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 10:38, Reply)

One evening..
.. as we were leaving a tea room and heading home, my girlfriend and I both suddenly felt a strong desire to have sex - no matter where, no matter how.

That's why five minutes later we found ourselves on the highest floor of a strange building, lying on some steps (me pants down, my girlfriend pleasing me orally.)

As I was sitting right en face the elevator, terrified that in no time the little light is going to go red and we'd be caught, I naturally couldn't concentrate well on the sex thing.
After approx. ten minutes, more petrifying than anything else, the elevator light really did go red - somebody was taking the elevator. We froze, praying that they would get off on another floor. However, the elevator went all the way up to our floor, where an elderly pair with some shopping bags and three big packs of toilet paper stepped out, just as I had enough time and sense to at least pull up my pants.

"What are you doing here?"
"Ummm... waiting?" *guilty stare, pants unbuttoned*
"Who are you waiting for?"
"Ummm... your neighbor?"
"Oh really? In that case let's ask her!"
(ring... ring..)
"Hello?"
"Sorry, do you know these people?"
"No, certainly not."
*Embarrassed looks from every party*

I presume we didn't look dangrous, though, because we eventually got escorted by the man - me, my girlfriend, him and that toilet paper, all attempting small talk in the tiny elevator.

(Length? Those endless minutes from the eighth floor to ground zero.)
(xxxxxxxx xxxx, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 10:13, Reply)

My ex
Loved biscuits.

So during sex, just as I was about to splurge - I screamed out "Custard Creams!".

Although I was proud of my focus during the little death, I was dumped shortly after...
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Sat 16 Jun 2007, 9:34, Reply)

Imagine having sex with a lady for the first time
Including going down on her, and afterwards she tells you that she has a problem with vaginal discharge.

Coat. Gone.
( Monty Propps, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 8:26, Reply)

Let me think...
Well it certainly isn't the current MrsRabidRodent. In fact she's probably the best I've ever had. There's something to be said for nobbing someone half your age (and no, I'm not 20 either before you all start!)

The worst, now, let me think...

Of the 6 notches on my bedpost, number 2 wasn't that great. Kinda like laying a hot dog in a hallway. When I went down on her I had to tie a plank of 2x4" across my arse to stop myself falling in.

Number 3... I went out with for 4 1/2 years, amazingly. And it was 18 months before she put out. (Last time I date a virgin!) And when she finally did... she complained that it hurt after about 5 minutes. Look love, it's not my fault that I'm hung like a donkey and you're built like you're 12 (she was 19 actually, before you filthy minded people say anything!).

But number 6... is the best. Ever.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 8:15, Reply)

y'know what?
Ladies parping frontwise = NO.
(Mr. Ilby, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 2:50, Reply)

42 year old sex
42 yo sex is quite bad especially for your 2nd time with a lady its a mix between puttin your knob in a bucket of jelly and your hands touching what can only be described as thin wrinkly skin like on gravy or custard but she swallowed so


dont take the piss adam just cause u couldnt pull a 42 yo
(noodlesthebear, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 2:01, Reply)

proving a point
er, can't be arse to do the linky thing as it's late and I am drunk
Which is probably the only reason I'm gonna admit this one.
On another qotw I had a story about being mistaken for a gay in Jamaica.
One of the things that happened after I found out what people thought is that I shagged a bird to prove I was straight.
I didn't want to (honest, I love my missus but I had a fear for my life). But I felt it needed to be done and, if I had to, then I might as well enjoy myself.
Being a fairly fit white guy in Jamaica means that you can do it with almost anyone you choose (honest). There are a few good christian girls, but even they give you the fluttering eyes and try to get you to fall in love with them.
Anyway, I chose one girl who's name escapes me (as it was fecking weird). She was good looking, funny and was related to the mate I was staying with - so she could be discreet.
I made sure everyone knew we were together (didn't take much in a small village) and after our first 'date' took her back to shag her silly.
This girl looked fit. I'd seen her dancing and she had a great body.
turns out they can do amazing things with lycra these days.
When she undressed, it was like watching blamange being tipped into a clingfilm bag. It just kept expanding.
Also, it was only when naked that she explained that the reason she had a scar on her belly was from her two kids (kids!).
But it had to be done. I climbed on board and did the deed, all the while trying to think of anything to keep the old boy up.
After an age I faked an orgasm and had to fight her off as she wanted to inspect the condom.
I had to declined a kind offer for a round two and managed to wait until morning before I made the final stage of the plan short and painless. I dumped her over breakfast.

Oh how fate plays kind tricks on us mere mortals. A week later I find the new story going round is that I had sex with (whateverhernamewas) just to prove I wasn't gay and therefore was not only even gayer, but devious.

I left the country soon after that.
(EvilMeister, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 1:57, Reply)

dog woman
I was at a club one night with some friends and, for once, was actually sober.
A friend of a friend of a friend introduced a couple of girls to the crowd I was with. One of my mates took a shine to one of them, and the other took a shine to me.
She plonked herself down on my lap and proceeded to tell me how gorgeous I was.
I wasn't really interested. Take a young Wendy Richard, hit her a few times with a plank of wood, take away tits, give her the voice of Frank Butcher and you'd be pretty much spot on.
She was also several years older than me which was ok as I was only 16 so therefore had to blag it at the bar every time I went and was broke.
Anyway, she plied me with drink until she got my phone number. Then told me:-
"I ain't no slag, you can't come back to mine tonight.
Come tomorrow and that will be alright."
Yes, cos that doesn't make you a slag does it?
Next day, hungover I start getting pestered with phone calls which my mother kindly screens. I've described said dog lady and I have her sympathies.
After something like the ninth call I no longer have them and she thrusts the phone at my head.
Dog lady loves me. Dog lady wants to cover me with chocolate.
I try to get away from the phone, but I'm only 16 and don't quite have the words yet.
I end up getting out of going round there by promising to go to her 'party' the next week.
Dead scared I ring up my mate who'd got of with her friend. He was going to the party, but would only go if I went.
Over the course of the week I started thinking, why not? I'd get laid, by a dog woman yeah - but I'd get laid and sometimes all you need is a dark room!
The week passes and we're at the party. It's on a council estate and every person there is so chavtastic that it's breath taking. They all thought me and my mate were posh cos we didn't live in council houses (we're both cockney eastender types - posh?)
anyway, the whole party was a fucking nightmare. Dog woman picked one bloke up and physically throwing him out for insulting me (I was a tad relieved as he was scary).
When it came time for her to drag me into a bedroom I was a bit relieved as I couldn't cope with the party anymore.
to cut to the chase, by this point I'd had quite alot to drink and was very tired.
She got me naked and stared doing some writhing thing that hurt my balls. Then she lay down and invited me to slobber all over her.
I was pretty much find hole, fuck hole, goto sleep.
But there was a problem. I couldn't find her hole. I knew where all the places were, but she was so dry that I couldn't tell what was what.
I tried a bit of spit to 'help things along' but it just got absorbed by this big dry twat.
In the end I gave up. I was tired, drunk and she was bloody ugly. I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was the worst sex that dog woman had ever had.

On the plus side everyone thought I'd shagged her rotten and thought I was very brave for doing so (most people were scared of her). She protested and tried to spread the word around that I was crap. As it turns out, she had such a reputation for letting everyone but the milkmans dog down there, nobody believed her.
(EvilMeister, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 1:36, Reply)

Young, stupid and stoned
We were young, we were in love.
We'd both lost our virginity to eachother and since then had been like two fucking machines going at it for months. Memories.
Anytime, anyplace was normally good enough. If we could smoke a big doofer before and after, all the better.
We done it in all sorts of public places, usually late at night or out of the way somewhere. Both of us living with parents made anywhere seem a good place to do it!
This day we'd gone over to the park after a couple of shandies and way too much weed (I think this was also the first day I ever smoked skunk).
We'd gone into the bushes to find some little out of the way spot and found a nice little area under a tree. We started snogging and groping eachother until we were on the floor starting to rip at eachothers clothes. She pulled out my cock and started to give me a blow job. I lay back to enjoy it with my hands up under my head (in classic style). On hearing a discreet cough, I looked to my right hand side to see a family eating a picnic. They were all staring at us in shock and the father was trying to cover his childens eyes who were fighting back so they could stare at my cock.
I nonchalontly tapped my gf on the head and made a 'lets go' motion with my thumb and we slinked away.
My gf hadn't even seen them.
That was about 20 years ago now and I wonder if those kids still tell a story about what they saw at the park one sunny day.

Also, I'm proud/ashamed (delete as appropriate) to admit that when I lost my virginity to this girl I was wearing a green, glow-in-the-dark condom that had been given to me as a joke. It was the only one I had left as I'd been so convinced that I'd never get any, that I'd used all the others I'd had as water-balloons.
(EvilMeister, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 1:08, Reply)

not worst sex as such
I shall not give the ladies identity away (cos we're still together), but many moons ago I started dating a rather marvelous young lady only to discover that she was a virgin. A real live in the flesh virgin.
Normally I would have been totally put off by this (I like my ladies to know what they are doing) however, there was something different about this girl (took me a while to realise it but I was in love).
Anyway, we'd been going out for about three months and I've been patient and not tried to get her to do anything she didn't want to. Actually it's better than it sounds as the only thing she hadn't done before was the deed itself.
So, I whisks her away down sunny south to my parents caravan (I'm quality me) for a few days 'away from it all' and 'together time'.
The night comes and I'm all prepared (12 pack in my back pocket) I've cooked a nice meal, got a few bottles of nice wine, old spice splashed in all the right places etc.
She tells me pretty formally that it's time and we retire to the bedroom with the wine.
Now, the beds in caravans are normally not very big.
I'm quite big. At least a a foot or so longer than the bed.
So, we start getting into it and things are hotting up. She's getting excited and tells me to go for it.
A quick fumble with the condom wrapper and I'm all set up. Except, I can't seem to get a good angle as I don't really fit on the bed properly. Rather than change postitions - flip her over, do her up against the wall or make her do the wheelbarrow (thought I'd save them for her second time), I put one hand one the bedside table to give myself some leverage.
Bad idea. My mum is a total cleaning freak and polishs everything like crazy. I'd put alot of weight on my hand and there was no friction on the table at all. My hand skimmed across the surface, swiping the (mostly full) bottle of wine across the room so that it shattered against the wall, drenching the room in red wine. At about this moment I also hit the floor and rolled over onto my back.
My gf shouted "oh my god!" and sprang out of the bed to get a rag. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd seen in ages and cracked up.
As she was cleaning she turned to me, pointed at my cock and said "and you can get rid of that". Thankfully she meant the condom. Sadly this meant I was not getting any sexy loving tonight.

Thankfully all went as planned the next day, and umpteen years later we're still going strong and she's my totally hot hunny baby.
(EvilMeister, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 0:48, Reply)

I could preface this story with a long and detailed introduction...
...however, I was drunk, so I won't.

I took it up the arse from my ex and her vibrator, while she performed the five knuckle shuffle on me.

Felt pretty good (apparently I can take quite a bit) but the loss of tension in the o-ring is palpable for at least 24 hours afterwards.

Click 'I like this' if you laughed.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 0:44, Reply)

lubricious
I was having a rather gratuitous but very hot fling with this guy... anyway, during a particular raunchy encounter he triumphantly produced a massive bottle of lube and proceeded to put it to very good use where the sun don't shine.

It took me a week to realise that he'd obviously had the anticipation and the foresight to buy this lube well in advance.

It took me another 2 days to figure out that it had taken me a week to realise that, and that to my shame it hadn't occurred to me to be remotely shocked until 9 days later.

(Worst sex I ever had? Er, no. Some of the best actually, but I feel obliged to pretend it was horrific.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 0:24, Reply)

I'm so sorry
but...

anyway, I'd pulled this girl from work who was a bit chubby but had a great personality (as so many of them do) so after a several pints in the local nightclub/dive a quick snog and a bit of a fumble wasn't out of the question. Anyway, one thing didn't lead to another that night, but it did a few nights later when she invited me to stay over at hers... and yes, I did end up getting the best blow job of my life so far (I won't go too far into detail, though maybe I have already).

Anyway, it was dark, so my mind was all over the place.... I ended up thinking I wouldn't mind a bit more of that, so carried on seeing her and, well, seeing to her. Mostly at night, in the dark. More her choice than mine, but I was enjoying it, so what the hell.....

...then one morning aftet I'd stayed over the night, I'd got up and had a wash and that, and she told me she was still horny, wanted me, etc, etc... fair enough, I thought. Pulled the covers off the bed to reveal her naked body, and

well, she was 'shaven', which ain't usually so bad

but she was, as I said, a bit chubby...

and I saw her lying on the bed, chubby and practically hairless, and I just thought 'Boticelli', you know, those little fat cherubs in those ornate Italian renaissance paintings. I was going to have to shag a giant baby.

I was almost sick. But I somehow managed it. It felt awful, I even faked the orgasm (tough for a bloke). I can't really bear thinking about it now. I'm now really put off by fat girls, no matter how nice and funny and intelligent they might be. It's just that thought that crossed my mind when I puled the covers off that bed.....

..anyway, I pissed off travelling the world a few days after that. She spent the whole of my trip texting me saying how much she looked forward to me coming back and that she was going to give me the best sex ever, etc (always lies). I ended up texting back a few days before I came back to the UK for my four-month trip, saying I was sorry but I was going back to my hometown.

Still can't understand what must cross the mind of so-called 'chubby chasers'.


Apologies for length? In this board? Please!!
(fourplusone, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 0:19, Reply)

Ow.
A few months ago I started talking to a bit-well known guy on the net, who was slightly pushy for more than just chatting.
So even though I was happy with my mister, I decided it wouldn't be any harm to keep this guy my bit on the side, and to be honest he didn't seem picky.
Anyway, after a few weeks of talking we decide to meet up. I had his full assurance we'd just go for a walk or something, obviously it didn't work out like that. After stopping in his car in a secluded spot I think it was pretty obvious what he wanted, but this being the first meeting, I decided some oral love would suffice.
The next day I had the worst sore throat, it was horrible, but I passed it off as a coincidence.
A few weeks later we decided to meet up again, but me being a laydee there were certain circumstances that meant the full hanky-panky wasn't on the menu, so once again he didn't mind a bit more oral delight. As he shot his load, it was so thick I nearly choked. As he did his weird cumming sounds I was coughing my guts up with sludge.
Next day, same sore throat, but worse.

I really should get that checked out.

Legnth? Preferably more.
(LooSee, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 0:17, Reply)

The worst...
...I ever had was my daddy. My bum still hurts, 30 years later.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 0:12, Reply)

ReichSteadyCrew
Over the past couple of years, countless people have told me variations of that 'dog coming in during sex' story. You wouldnt be making it up, would you???
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 23:41, Reply)

You know what's worse?
I think the fact that I've never had sex is pretty terrible.
(echomikeromeo, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 23:24, Reply)

Sorry love
There have been two occasions that stand out in my mind, both with the same girl.

First time was when we were at it as normal, when i hear the door creak open a little bit. I pause, wait for disgusted scream or shutting of door again. Neither came so carried on, just about to reach climax when i feel a cold wet dog nose on my anus. Cue me shrieking with shock and thus going limp and being unable to carry on while she just pisses herself at me :(

Second time was when she was whinging she was fat in the middle of sex and i stupidly said "maybe its cos you are a bit" Caused her to cry and no longer wish to participate in any sexual encounters with me for a week or two.
(ReichSteadyCrew Anyone For Spocking?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 23:24, Reply)

*Generic wanking joke*

( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 23:02, Reply)

Another farting one
I was on the sofa with my boyfriend, we were both naked and just as we got to the best bit, my legs akimbo, we heard the cat go into her litter tray. Unfortunately the cat had the runs and the noise was bad enough, but the smell was unbelievably bad. I giggled and covered my nose and he went limp faster than any man I have ever seen. We always went up to bed after that night.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 21:41, Reply)

I Was A Virgin...Then Lost It To This...
I have been living in the squat for a while, brings along a lot of crazy people and situations with it.

So one of my housemates had this girlfriend. He broke up with her on a Thursday. She said she liked me. I didn't really care that much - I was 20, still a virgin and my right hand hurt so I played along a bit. Next Saturday, she calls me, tells me she has to watch "the kids" and asks if I wanted to come over. So I dropped into her place an hour later. There were a lot of people, she had to watch 2 kids; the parents would go out together. I helped watching the kids and at 11 pm we put them in bed.

Five minutes later, we were smoking pot, and soon I was getting laid on the couch like hell. She was on top of me, riding me, for a few hours, which was awfully uncomfortable AND she kept moaning like a porno movie slut...I was so scared one of the children would come down to check out what that noise was, I was so afraid they would've heard the whole ordeal but not said anything about it to us, but would inform their parents later...

Then she had come so much she needed a pause. She started to play with my hand, or better said, made my hand play with her...Ten minutes later we were back into action. We did another handfull of positions before we stopped again. The whole thing wasn't erotic and pleasureable at all; the loud constant moaning, the constant rough bashing...I couldn't...you know...shoot the load. The feeling wasn't really there.

The whole session took about four hours. We were wasted. We went to bed. I had a strange buzz in my ear. I barely slept that night, when I did and I woke up, I felt like shite. The buzz in my ear had developed into a soaring pain and I felt sick. Worst thing, the girl had to leave early that morning leaving me with two hyperactive kids. It was terrible. I was dead happy when their parents arrived somewhere in the late morning.

The pain in my ear didn't go away after a few days, so I went to a doctor. I had an infection, got some stuff for that and it went away soon.

The girl cheated on me right in my sight without caring if I noticed. She was 18, the guy she cheated with 34. She wanted to get pregnant and have the whole happy family bullshit. Then she started working, first urinating over people for money, then as a prostitute (she keeps proudly telling stories about her jobs to everybody who would or would not hear about it). Last thing I've heard about her is she's started doing morphine n stuff like that while threathening to release some crazy rape story about the 34-year-old guy.

I wake up and fall asleep to the sounds of me screaming "VIRGINITY!!! WHY!!!!" now.
(PleaseDeleteThisAccount, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 21:35, Reply)

Female Flatulence
Speaks for its self.. was shagging away.. was good sex, the sweaty good sex.. finished off.. we were lying back... and she ( shal remain Namesless) Fanny Farted! i swear it was the funniest thing in my life i tried so fucking hard not to laugh.. to which she states, " was that you who made that noise? " Cheeky bitch!
(jonafiiinn, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 21:00, Reply)

The daft wench
I was at my dads house once (aren't my parents modern, being divorced and all) with the (now ex) missus who I'd been poking for quite a while. We went upstairs to my shared-with-two-brothers-bedroom.
Now everyone else was downstairs, but its a small house, and the bedroom door is right at the top of the stairs. Nevertheless, we started to kiss, then she started sucking my schlong. She was an alright sucker, so it didn't take too long until the point of no return.
I told her i was going to cum, because I'm nice like that, id rather not surprise a girl who's teeth are millimeters from my pork-sword.
On hearing this, she removed her mouth and finished me off with her hand. Now she usually liked swallowing (or tolerate it) but this time she claimed she wasn't in the mood.
After spaffing my love-juice all over my bed sheets and the floor, i hear my dad start coming up the stairs. I swiftly pull up my jeans, and push her away just in time to hear my dad walk past the bedroom door, to the bathroom.
I ended up getting my love-juice all over, just because she "wasn't in the mood"
Click "I Like This" if you think i should have forced my length down her throat and given her an angry dragon to save me getting all messy.

Length? Satisfying.
I couldn't say for the taste though.
(newname123 tried to impress you, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 20:41, Reply)