Edamame
Where does it say you don't eat the pod?
(Fennestrator, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:30, 9 replies)

rp, but it's a bit apt; inventive thinking dad.
When I was about 4 years old me favourite toy was this walking robot. It stood a tall 10 inches (lol, I typed inches) and had a light display in it's chest. When it was powered up by some batteries it would march forward, stop, then do this light display and repeat the process. Twas not gifted with great variety but it made alot of noise and looked cool.

One day the batteries run out. Robot noise becomes quiet plastic statue to the 4 year old. Obviously the 4 year old wants this resolved, so I bring this to the attention of my father.

He has a look around the house for some batteries but can't find any. So instead he decided to test out something else. He opened up the battery compartment and connected a spare CAR BATTERY to the +/- points in the battery bay with some jumpleads and some wire. All is ready, then dad flicks the "on" switch....

Robot noise went beserk. STAMP STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP SMOKE STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP FLAMES STAMP LIGHTS LIGHTS FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES....
Dad disconnected the car battery but it was too late. The robot had run straight into a wall and was currently burning itself to the skirting. He runs out to the bathroom, grabs a cup of water and soaks the melting circuit person drying it to the wall, a lump of disfigured toy with the smell of plastic death emanating from it.

"Oops....errr...sorry son." says dad, who promptly legs it. I loved that toy the bastard.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:29, 1 reply)

One hit wonder hilarity
I grew up just north of manchester, hitting puberty around the time of the whole Madchester thing. I had a mate at school who academically speaking was a genius, went to cambridge to do a double in physics and chemistry, always top of the class. As ever in these circumstances, he was a bit of a tard in normal day to day life. This couldn't have been highlighted any better than the time we were getting ready to play our local rivals at basketball. We were all in the changing room and someobody started humming the tune of "There She Goes" by The La's. Upon hearing this Dean started to sing what he believed to be the words. He couldn't have been more wrong as he started singing "Here she comes...", genuine in his belief that he was singing the right lyrics. As a group of 15 year old boys we did what we had to, took the piss waited until after the game, waited until he got changed back into his kit and chucked him in the showers to soak him.

Dean, I will still remember you when I'm 90 years old and my bodily fluids are being hosed off me by my new 19 year old wife.
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:11, Reply)

There was once this time
When I held my iPhone 4 in my left hand. Oops.
(Cloudane, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:53, Reply)

"You stupid fucking cunt. I fucking hate you sometimes. Fuck off over there."
We were doing a pub quiz. Me, my older brother, and our three best friends. The best bit of the quiz was out of the way (coming up with a team name), and we were getting down to the real issues of answering things wrong and arguing about who should have the pen.
A question was asked to which I knew the answer – this was about the fourth in a row that only I had known, for once. I forget what it was, but it was a sufficient mouthful to not even bother trying to whisper to a quartet of angry Yorkshire drunkards brimming with resentment. I asked my brother for the pen so I could write it myself.

"Fucking have it then."

Tongue popping out of the corner of my mouth, I started to write:
"b …"

Immediately I was halted in my tracks by an explosion of noise from my team-mates. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT YOU FUCKING WANKER!" "YOU JOEY FUCKING SPASTIC CUNT!" "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING DOING!" "NUR, NUR ,NUR MY NAME'S RETARD FUCKING CUNT SPLAT FUCK FACE!" "GIMME THE FUCKING PEN BACK YOU CACK-HANDED FUCKING DICK" All of this was accompanied by much belming and 'spaz hands'.

Apparently I write the letter 'b' starting from the wrong point.

Quizzes. Serious business.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:48, 4 replies)

Imaginary words
Going through a training rota in the office for a few weeks I was being completely re-trained up on an existing product as I had long-term leave (due to a previous QOTW answer in me profile, bum fun ahoy :p). Was forced to be re-trained with a new group of agents who were nice enough.

One however was a bit docile, and mental to boot. She looked like if Wallace and Gromit's Were-Rabbit wore glasses, and was always a bit angry too.

One afternoon even the trainer was bored with the constant workload so he said to a few of us "Fuck this, anyone want to play wabble or something?" (Wabble is an online Scrabble site btw) I said yup, plus the Were-Rabbit decided to join in too. Fucking hell she was shite. Me and the trainer were rushing ahead while she was struggling with 3 letter words.

It kind of got a bit bad though when she turned around to us and asked "Is HUGED a word?" (pronounced huge-d). I royally pissed myself laughing then put on my best Pride and Prejudice accent and said "Mr Darcy climbed down from his mount. He huged before me" and eventually she had gained the nickname of "Mrs Huged".
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:41, 1 reply)

Hope you don't mind this pearoast...
...I was about 15 and had just been approached by a girl at the Youth Club who said she fancied me and that she was also "on the pill."
It took me about 5 minutes to realize she wasn't referring to a cold and flu tablet and we proceeded to the local park (always deserted at night except for teenagers doing unspeakables).
So we disrobed a little and with me on top I proceeded to lose my virginity. Problem was that I thought you just inserted and waited...so I laid there *totally* motionless and after a couple of minutes she gave some encouraging movements which quite startled me as I feared she must be an epileptic or something.
It was very disappointing, but she was very nice about it and didn't dob me in to my mates.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:36, 5 replies)

A guy in my office
Is obviously doing it wrong as he shat on the floor right next to the toilet.

Then today I found a floater with blood on top of it.

The people in my office are weird.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:27, 3 replies)

Married women & saying the wrong thing.
Not all married women, just the few that I have been involved with, each time it was a complete disaster. I don't know why but I have always said the worst thing that completely fucks it up.

This is a long one but I have to get it off my chest as I cant tell my friends due to some of them knowing the other people involved.

Lisa was a woman I worked with for a few years when I was in my mid twenties, we got on well but nothing ever went beyond mild flirting as she was married. I did have crush on her, she looked a bit like a dirty(er) Martine McCutcheon, she also gave the impression of being filthy in bed, She moved on to a new job after a couple of years and that was that.

Four and a bit years later I bumped into her in town, we had a chat and decided to go for a drink, one drink lead to two, two lead to three and so on. Over the course of the evening we talked about the usual stuff, as the night wore on she told me that she had divorced her husband and was now married to another guy who we both had worked with (a total cunt btw), I said sorry about the divorce but good that she had someone new (didn't mention him being a cunt). Now at this point I would like to point out that I was not on the make, it was just nice to catch up.

So we leave the pub slightly less sober than when we entered and I escort her to a taxi, as we walk we swap numbers and promise to keep in touch. I hail a taxi and say goodnight, she leans in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then you know what happened next, everyone has been there - a slight brush of cheeks then a bit of a pause as we looked into each others eyes, then we started kissing like two frantic teenagers. This was rudely interrupted by the bastard taxi driver beeping his horn, we stopped and Lisa looked shocked, she said sorry got in the taxi and drove off, leaving me with an erection harder than a diamond.

On my way home I ponder what to do, should I leave it alone? should I send a text saying don't worry it was just the drinks we had? should I take the blame and say it was my fault? No I decided that I desperately wanted to bang her back teeth out so I was going to call her! No need, the following day she text-ed me and we arranged for her to come over to mine the following night, this lead to some fairly hectic shagging.

Over the next few months we went at it like primates whenever we got the chance, it became clear that her new husband was not bothered about her not coming home some nights, I didn't worry about that as I was just enjoying the fact that I had been correct, she was utterly filthy in the sack. this is what brought about the downfall.

During one of our sessions I was providing Lisa with manual stimulation when the opportunity arose to take it a little further, there is no polite way to say it so I will be blunt, I fisted her. This was a first for her (not for me, thats another QOTW) and after a moment of adjustment she grabbed my wrist and urged me to go for it. From there on she went wild, lets just say that after about ten minutes she was very satisfied & very tired.

So I try to take my had out of her, this causes another spasm, she looked and me and said she was too tired and she couldn't handle (pardon the pun) anymore, so I asked her to relax so I can have my hand back, second attempt to remove my hand results in her clamping down on my wrist like a vice. Every time I try to pull my hand out she has another orgasm, this leaves her whimpering and both of us laughing.

The laughs stopped after about five minutes of my hand being stuck, she had reached the point were any movement was too much and yet there was no way to get out. I'm sure at some point in your life you have had your hand stuck in something and you will remember the felling of mild panic that the situation incurs. Now imagine if instead of a vase or a drain your hand is in a woman.

I was trying to think of how to fix things when I remembered an episode of the simpsons when Homer gets his hand stuck in a vending machine and sees himself twenty years in the future dragging around the vending machine with his hand still stuck inside. I started to laugh, understandably Lisa was not finding anything funny, she asked what the fuck I was laughing at? now this is what I mean by doing it wrong, instead of comforting words or even just saying nothing, I replied " no don't worry its not you, I was thinking of Homer Simpson".

I think I knew straight away it was the wrong thing to say, this was reinforced by Lisa screaming "get your fucking hand out of me!" There followed several minutes of silence before the release of my hand could be effected.

So married women, trust me I am definitely doing it wrong.
(cname, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:25, 11 replies)

One of the guys in the office
sent his mate a netsend message through DOS. The recipient's eyes light up when he receives a pop-up box with his friend's Z number, a funny message and an OK box.

He has a quick lookup on google on how to reply with a netsend, then proceeds to send the message "That's fucking awesome that is!" back to his friend.

Except he forgot to put his friend's Z number in and ends up sending it to every single PC on the network. Which ranged in a couple of thousand desktops, including top-end business directors, all looking at a message from Z****** saying "That's fucking awesome that is!".

A slight bollocking followed.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:20, 9 replies)

Good manners and the virgin
Vagabond in Page 1 reminded me...

A long long time ago in a country far far away... A pal from school and was most certainly a virgin (as most of us were then) pulled a girl at the local disco...
Being a gentleman, he offered to escort her home.
During the course of their meanderings they found themselves in the churchyard far from the road and accidental passers by.
Much tongue wrestling and fumbling eventually led him to her most intimate of regions whilst she had a firm grasp of his situation (if you know what I mean).
Her panties were discarded in nearby shrubbery (I avoided using bush) and his had joined his trousers at his ankles.
In effect, and to use the colloquial expression, he said later 'she was gagging for it'.
Now, being a gentleman, he thought it proper to obtain her permission before entering her sanctum.
He asked "Can I?"
She looked at him with a cold and distainful eye as she realised that here was a boy who had never before enjoyed carnal pleasures with a member of the opposite and that was not what she wanted... she wanted experience and someone who knew which buttons to press.
She slowly replied... "Yes.. Yes, you can take me home"

An opportunity lost and he remained a virgin for some time after that.
(bof, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:17, 1 reply)

During a conversation about reading on the loo
a friend's husband said "I can never do that. You can't stay balanced for long enough to make it worth-while." Cue many confused looks from the others at the table as they asked what he meant. He expanded his explanation with "Well, you get cold up against the porcelain if you actually sit down on it." More confusion and demands for clarification.

It transpired that as a small child he had somehow been given the impression that toilet-seats were for the exclusive use of women and no self-respecting man would dare set his buttocks on one so he either squatted or balanced his backside on the rim of the toilet bowl. So deep-rooted was this conviction that he took some serious persuasion before he would accept that all the men who said they made use of them daily weren't just trying to wind him up.
(Innogen, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:15, 2 replies)

I've said it already in OT
so why not sharing here?

I have a very bad sense of direction and I'm crap with maps.

Once, I had to go from A to B, but I couldn't remember the way, so I decided to start by going somewhere I knew, and from there, work my way to B.

I walked down the street for 15 min and then turned right; another 10 min and then turned right again, finally, another 15 min and I started to recognize the place. I arrived to B, which was just 5 min walk from where I was at the begining, but I had a nice walk around the city, but I was very late to meet who I was meeting. I've done this quite a few times.

Another time I couldn't work out where I was on the map. I had found the street where I was, but it didn't make sense, as the streets that had to be on the right where on the left and viceversa. I learnt later that you can turn the map, that the letters don't need to be all the time in the right place to read them. I learnt as well that you are not supposed to read the map face down (with the printed bit facing the floor, and you looking from below, trying to find your place); it won't take you anywhere and people on the street will laugh at you.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:13, 8 replies)

When I first tried to cut up an onion on my first attempt at leaving the nest,
I couldn't understand how anyone could be bothered to peel it and then slice it and separate all the bits up by hand.

Then one day I got lazy n thought, 'Fuggit I'll have it chunky' and discovered they separate themselves during cooking.

A revelation I tell ya!

Also I do recommend you read the instructions when you buy any new household work saver, then you might save yourself a bit of cash buying another new washer/vac/dryer next year because the filters on the previous ones finally blocked completely, tho I wasn't complaining 'cos she could afford it and I took away her old 'broken' ones to *cough* scrap.
( ..wil, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I have the power
to answer QOTW late!

This is just to see if emadex will kick me in the bollocks
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:06, 8 replies)

Cleaning out the rabbit hutch.
A farly routine task, you can't really do it wrong. However my sister "unknowingly" managed to bundle up the rabbit amongst the straw and newspaper that had been lining the floor, and threw the lot in the dustbin. Fortunately my brother discovered her thus enabling (i) the rabbit to be saved and (ii) a swift "tit for tat" strikeback to be mounted. Rosie, our sister's biggest and most loved doll was in that bin in minutes. When we got to the second part of the "act now, ask questions later" response, our sister claimed it was an innocent mistake. She did so again at my birthday get-together last month, some forty years after the incident, but we remain unconvinced and unforgiving.

Needless to say, now that my daughter has rabbits, we carry out a full risk assessment, and work to a written method statement (including headcount immediately before waste disposal) when cleaning them out.
(Cave Duck, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:06, Reply)

When I was about 6, maybe 7 I suddenly realised...
That colour had indeed been around since the dawn of creation and not 'invented' at some point in the 1950's

Before that, I used to think that back in the 1920's and 30's everyone and everything was black and white. It was thanks to all those all old films on channel 4 in the afternoons when I was off sick from primary school.
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:01, 6 replies)

Questions of the Week
As I have yet to make it into the newsletter, I must be doing them wrong.
(WillF http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverfischdotnet/, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:00, 4 replies)

'Best get a new kettle, then...'
A girl I once worked in a pub with was asked by a customer for a hot chocolate, one night.

Not having ever made one before, but not wanting to look like a div, she improvised a method, thusly:

- Pour about half a jar of hot chocolate powder in the kettle
- Fill the kettle with milk
- Turn on the kettle

It sort of made a fuzzley noise for a minute and started to crackle and emit burnt chocolatey smoke.

In fairness, several bar-hanging regulars and I had watched her throughout the whole process, and could have corrected her, but we were too enthralled.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:58, 7 replies)

Big long story about computers and whatnot (i don't know technical jargon)
then a punchline that consists of "I can't believe I'm doing I.T wrong"

Hilarity will then ensue.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:55, 3 replies)

In my early teens, my french exchange pal and I went to the local disco.
This being Zummerzet, that consisted of a village hall with DJ Darren's Magic Disco Tunes at one end, replete with lights, and a "bar" serving fizzy pop of various colours.

The only people there were three girls, who were sitting at a table near the front.

My pal and I flipped a coin for the deed, and it fell to yours truly.

I strode towards them, and, as I got to within talking distance, the girl closest to me turned and spoke for the table:

"No thanks."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:54, 2 replies)

Just today...
I was chainsawing down a couple of large palm trees. My wife was worried they were too big for me to handle but I showed her my method of cutting a wedge out near the base, then knocking the wedge out so the tree falls in the direction you want. Only it didn't. Instead it fell the opposite way and crashed through the fence and wrecked the neighbours' clothes line. But not before it squished my hand between the fence and the tree. Ouch.
My wife is always right. I should listen to her.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:53, 6 replies)

drunken cookery is all about doing it wrong
but, just occasionally, getting it right.
we've all done it, haven't we? come home from the pub, pissed and hungry, when suddenly we get hit by food-based inspiration. yes! make bacon in the kettle! noodles, too! student digs? no problem! make cheese toasties with the iron!
yes, i've tried them all. the most "wrong" ones i've tried were cornflake fairy cakes(cornflakes burn in the oven) and chicken mash. just because instant mash is usually made with hot water, this DOES NOT MEAN that it'll taste better and work just as well if you make it with hot chicken soup.
trust me, just don't.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:50, 11 replies)

Brown finger da naaaaaa na
When I was 15 i had my first finger bang experience, unfortunately with no frame of reference of how it should feel, I went too far round the back and stuck my digit up her bunghole....weird thing is she didn't correct me and I only realised what must of happened the next time I tried it....
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:45, 10 replies)

Worked for a kitchen fitter.
I was young.

I was tasked with cutting out the hole for the sink. I marked the hole out on the worktop and then took to it with a jigsaw.

Yes, you guessed it. A perfect sink sized piece of worktop is what I was left with, the rest of the worktop cut to fucking bits to get to the sink sized piece.

Boy was my face red.

Because he punched me.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:42, 4 replies)

I am an imaging god
but I didn't start off too well.

For my 12th birthday I got a home darkroom kit: a wee tank to develop B&W film in, the chemicals, a contact printing frame and a special red light "for printing with" - that's what it said in the instructions.

I could not get any prints out of the kit.

After weeks of frustration I went to the library. I have never felt so stupid as when I read that a red light = a safe light, and it's pretty well useless for exposing B&W photographic paper (which is predominately blue-sensitive).
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Back when I discovered
that my willy was for more than just peeing out of, I used to exercise it every bathtime.

One day, not long after taking up my new found hobby, I was at a mate's house and he went upstairs and came back down declaring "look what I found on top of dad's wardrobe" and thrust a copy of Mayfair into my hands. "A dirty mag! I found it the other day but this has been the first time nobody else has been in so I could have a look."

It was in surprisingly good condition considering it was about 5 years old. We planted it on the kitchen worktop and began leafing through. Corr, nudie ladies. The closest I'd ever been to seeing a lady in the nip was in the underwear section of my mum's Grattan's Catalogue and this was a real eye-opener. Soon enough though, the novelty of women wearing nothing but high-heel shoes (I never did understand that one) soon wore off. It didn't help that a couple of closeups of ladies in garish makeup showing off their baby-stingrays looked more like a closeup of the human ear.

My mate got bored and went back to playing Dig Dug on his Vic20 so I started reading through the letters page; the sort that start with:

I've always found my neighbour attractive, she always used to sit in the garden in a small bikini. Well, one day, she knocked on the door and asked if I'd go round and take her look at her washing machine...

I then came across the line "..her hand moved faster up and down my glistening shaft until I erupted forth a mass of hot bubbling spunk"

'Bubbling?' I thought. Even I knew that spunk didn't bubble. That guy ought to go see a doctor if he has a fizzy discharge.

Anyway, that night in the bath I remembered the line and give it a go. It was a gazillion times better, and tepid, non-bubbling spunk erupted forth. Into the bathwater where it went all weird and stuck to my arm and wouldn't come off. But I didn't care.

You see, previous to this revelation, I had been doing it wrong. Rather than the universally accepted tugging motion we all know and love, I had in fact being rolling it back and forth between my palms like a bit of Plasticine and wondering what all the fuss was about.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:19, 5 replies)

The vast majority of you
are probably opening your bananas wrong. This video changed that for me:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBJV56WUDng

I now have the pleasure of eating bananas without one end mangled and crushed.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:17, 8 replies)