Helpful tip:
If you keep cut lillies, make sure to have a roll of sticky tape in the drawer. The pollen stains like a bitch, but if you find it before it's been trod into carpets or rubbed into curtains, a patch of sticky tape can help lift it away.

I would like to know some helpful tips from yourselves.
( Bats, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 7:54, archived)

consider the lilly

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 7:55, archived)

you shower of cunts

( hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:09, archived)

I beg your pardon
I do not have big lips!
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:12, archived)

I'll give YOU a helpful tip.

( ArthurTheRat, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 7:59, archived)

Pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth can help soothe an ice-cream headache.

( ArthurTheRat, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:00, archived)

After chopping garlic,
the theory is to rub your hands on stainless steel and run them under cold water to lessen the after-garlic smell.
( Bats, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:06, archived)

make sure said stainless steel is not a knife

( ArthurTheRat, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:09, archived)

This can also help stop you from crying when your upset.

( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:18, archived)

Also do this when having your photo taken as it pulls the skin under your chin tight,
obviously some users are too far gone for this to be of use.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:21, archived)

Wow. It has many uses.

( ArthurTheRat, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:38, archived)

It's also important in some forms of meditation
something to do with aligning your chi meridians.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:43, archived)

*kicks you up the chakras*

( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:49, archived)

my chin is thatched
so this is no use to me

more relevant tips please!
( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:42, archived)

Use your onions when they start to sprout.
Use the green bits like you'd use the chives.
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:38, archived)

This is, although not the most effective, a way of equilising pressure in your ears when flying or diving.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:42, archived)

too shocking and too early for such filth

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:06, archived)

TableAdapters in the .NET Framework do not support the mySQL LIMIT clause if you're using the version 5.2 connector

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:07, archived)

That sounds fairly annoying.
Is it a bug?
( Bats, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:08, archived)

no, it's just shitty open-source communist code

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:09, archived)

you are clever

( mongychops, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:02, archived)

never push your granny when shes shaving

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:07, archived)

Can you push her off the bus?

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:42, archived)

no. and never when shes blowing grandad

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:52, archived)

Grim times, Rose. Grim times.
In other news - you've been to Holmfirth haven't you? How would you rate its hilliness and B&B availability? I may have to stay there one night and I don't want to have to climb up mountains after a night of beer and singing.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:00, archived)

yer but it was just a day thing, i stopped with a mate in huddersfield
all of fucking yorkshire is hills innit? tons of undesirable fucking huge lots of walking hills and hills of it. motherfucker.

try norfolk.
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:05, archived)

The Buzzcocks aren't playing in Norfolk though

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:09, archived)

Ah yes...
...a lesson learned the hard way, I'm afraid.
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:53, archived)

alright apathyman

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:58, archived)

is it a bird? is it a plane?!
ah who gives a shit
( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:01, archived)

holding your nose as you swallow something awful makes the taste dissappear
good for when taking bad medicine.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:08, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/6264463
( vladimir, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:12, archived)

A bakers window makes a perfect home for wasps.

( FoldsFive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:13, archived)

injecting radioactive plant hormones into a chihuahua's skull may result in the formation of a bad-tempered petunia/chihuahua hybrid

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:16, archived)

Can I have one of these please
it sounds ace.
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:29, archived)

best-smelling dog eggs in the animal kingdom

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:31, archived)

Are they dog egg blue?

( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:32, archived)

hey, band name

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:33, archived)

when signing up for b3ta, do not choose a username you have previously used anywhere else on the internet

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:25, archived)

This is a very, very sound piece of advice.

( Bats, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:34, archived)

Hahaha
Someone send this in to Woman's Realm.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:34, archived)

Really?
Oh...fuck.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:02, archived)

*googles*
oh god. oh fucking hell. you're a SICK MAN!
( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:05, archived)

It is important and necessary to remember that DIY haircuts with the kitchen scissors at 7am whilst drunk are not a good idea
Remember this, kids.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:34, archived)

If the perforations on your two-ply loo paper don't align
unroll the top ply by one turn. As if by magic,the perforations will align.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:40, archived)

Oh flapjack you're far too domesticated.

( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:44, archived)

If you have unrolled the top ply of your loo roll to align the perforations with the second ply,
don't forget about this and then wipe your arse with a single ply. This is likely to prove structurally insufficient and may result in brownfinger.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:41, archived)

Not shaking your hand.

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:50, archived)

As long as it doesn't stop you rimming me on a daily basis
I don't much care.

That goes for all of you.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:52, archived)

Of course not
How else would I maintain this fantastic Dirty Sanchez.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:53, archived)

add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it

( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:41, archived)

Guys I cannot stress this enough
Put the rubbish in a binbag and then put it in the bin. Don't just throw it out the window onto the street.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:45, archived)

Gay
I just chuck various peelings out of the window for the rats
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:47, archived)

I did that but then the rats got organised and overthrew me
I now live outside their window catching their rubbish they toss out
( Theoban What of it, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:49, archived)

You fail at food chain

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:51, archived)

I solve all my problems with cillit bang
I'm afraid I'm no help.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:48, archived)

I am a flash spray with bleach girl.

( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:49, archived)

i solve mine with a similar product
kitchen gun!
( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:53, archived)

You just like shouting at everything until it's clean really

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:03, archived)

If someone looks like he's going to thump you
or you think he is, but he's hiding it well, then thump him first. Right in the face. You can't take chances.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:50, archived)

I read this true story (even if it's not true, I still found it funny)
Bloke in a club suddenly feels like he's going to vomit. He rushes into the men's loos and kicks open the only available cubicle. After vomiting his guts up, he notices there was a guy that was having a shit at the time. The bloke's quick fire brain whirs away and figures that if he had been in the other guy's position and had been vomited on whilst having a shit, he'd be kicking that guy's arse now. So, to stop him from doing so, the bloke punches him square in the face and runs off.

So, there was this poor guy was just trying to have a shit in peace and he gets vomited on with a punch in the face for his troubles.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:57, archived)

I've seen this on QOTW at least once
edit: BAM
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:59, archived)

He probably read it from FHM too
EDIT: Ah, that's probably where I got the story from. I still liked it.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:01, archived)

BAM AGAIN
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:07, archived)

Maybe it was from FHM.
Oh I don't know Gilgamesh. I just don't know.
Nothing seems real anymore.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:10, archived)

Haha

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:00, archived)

Or wait until he's not expecting it
and hit him with a metal bar.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 8:58, archived)

or start crying and screaming that you're a haemophiliac and when he turns away in disgust
kick him in the back
( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:03, archived)

Cutting the stamen off lillies before they drop the pollen is easier :)

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:02, archived)

well, if we're going for the easiest option
don't buy them in the first place
( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:06, archived)

That's also the cheapest option

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:10, archived)

Never sit on your elbow when you've got your finger up your arse.

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:02, archived)

Clean your loo with coca cola
Use baking powder mixed into a paste with water instead of Jif
White vinegar added to your wash in the rinse cycle will soften your towels
I have a whole book of these, I could go on all night
( DeSpong currently knitting your suggestions - see profile, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:06, archived)

but it's day

( manolith hooray for me, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:07, archived)

decant your cocaine from it's paper wrap into a small glass vial, this will stop it clumping in theis hot weather
phew what a scorcher eh? lucky those who have aircon
( mongychops, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:07, archived)