Just been talking about child birth
I am so glad I'm a bloke. I never have to worry about anything ripping 'down there'...and then shitting myself in front of a load of strangers...

(well not when it doesn't involve alcohol)
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:50, archived)

Thank fuck for you
I thought the deviance of this board was about to be totally diluted by todays influx of twee cunts.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:52, archived)

it has been a bit twee at times hasn't it?
*flashes norks*
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:54, archived)

*orally stimulates nipples to the point of ache*

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

Phwoar.
*averts eyes*
( ArthurTheRat, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

You'll get her locked up for paeding

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

I don't mind
as long as there's suitable restraints
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

Such as handcuffs?

( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:58, archived)

that's a good start, yes
and I still have a mark on my wrist from where I got trapped by my underwire
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:58, archived)

Is "underwire"
the name of your gimp ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:00, archived)

no it's the part of my bra
that I got my hand trapped by
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:01, archived)

*swan dives in*
Wooooo Hooooo!
( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

Looks like I got here just in time
*makes inappropriate suggestions about humping a still warm corpse*
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

I believe Miss Mowlam is available.

( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

available lubed up and trussed up in Fenris's's's cellar
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:57, archived)

-_-
Which fucker squealed?
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:06, archived)

sorry
*hangs head in shame*
but I thought it would cheer woat up no end
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:10, archived)

thing
is when he asked for woman who was bald,I dont think thats the kinda thing he meant.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:58, archived)

*kills dog*
*bums it*

*fingers Les Dennis*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

*impregnates*
/ac
( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:52, archived)

*buys coathanger and bottle of gin*

( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:58, archived)

*covers ears*
Wimmin are all teh beautiful and perfect.
(Nothing to see, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:53, archived)

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

creep
( diffy maybs, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:05, archived)

leave him alone
he is but an innocent
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:11, archived)

that's the only thing
that was better about having caesareans. I had a mile of stitches but at least I could sit down in comfort, and my bits still look normal and virginal
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:53, archived)

ir a
( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

That's what I read it as...

( ArthurTheRat, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

I *knew* there was another word that reminded me of
but it took me ages to work out the strikethrough

/dense
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:57, archived)

you
would not be the only one as it took me a bit to catch on.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:59, archived)

*bums you dry*
*ruptures your sigmoid colon*
You were wrong.
( ArthurTheRat, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:53, archived)

You ruptured nothing
that was just a fart...
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:59, archived)

Rippage is nasty
And the doctors gives you something that helps stop ya poop
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:53, archived)

Ragged flaps
placenta for dinner and shit soaked nighties.

CHildbirth is teh most beautifullest thing that can ever happen to someone else.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:54, archived)

nighties?
I was naked when I was labouring (unsuccessfully) cos they wouldn't let me wear my own big t-shirt, and handed me a size 8 flappy open-at-the-back gown thing
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

Oh yeah!
Those are very sexeh!
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:02, archived)

You fuck doctors
Up the bum
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:04, archived)

doctors terminal patients
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:12, archived)

yes
and it was about ten sizes too small
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:08, archived)

would
that be a cork?
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

I'm sad to say that Mrs Catfish
avoided covering the fanny doctor in scat - fingers crossed for when the twins arrive!
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:54, archived)

Such a loving husband.

( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN!

*slap*
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:57, archived)

*crosses legs*
The ripping is scary. I want all of the pain-relieving drugs when I give birth.
( Comma, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:55, archived)

And when are you due?

( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:57, archived)

Nine months after I shag Easty in Cambridge.

( Comma, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:59, archived)

Hurrah!
But you WILL have ginger children...
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:03, archived)

They will be utterly beautiful.

( Comma, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:05, archived)

Yes, but still ginger.

( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:09, archived)

beautiful ginger
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:09, archived)

nothing wrong with a bit of ginger

( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:13, archived)

I shat myself once in public
thankfully only my best mate was nearby.

I've probably told the story before but basically I'd had quite a lot of MDMA and then gone clubbing. After walking 30 mins across town I decided I needed a wee and nipped into an alley, at which point, without warning I evacuated my bowels quite forcfully down my legs.

I had to walk waddle 30 mins back home with congealing, cooling liquid shit in my (light beige) trousers.

I had a bath, got changed and went back out.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

*falls off chair*
*giggles uncontrollably*
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:57, archived)

Drugs are bad
m'kay

Edit: It was a really cold November night too, I must have steamed as I walked home
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:00, archived)

Ha ha ha
That's just a superb story - one to tell the kids when you're older.
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:01, archived)

indeed

(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Sun 27 Nov 2005, 19:51, archived)

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:58, archived)

This is being bookmarked for future blackmail.

( ArthurTheRat, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:59, archived)

haha!
I had to take a poo outside once. Combination of too much weed, alcohol and the fact I had lost my house keys. Then I fell asleep next to it and woke up wondering where the fuck I was and what the fuck I had done.
( Jobe, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:59, archived)

Pfft!
Now that's the sort of story you save up and never tell anyone. Ever.

Not even a bunch of piss-taking bastards on an internet messageboard.

:)
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:59, archived)

Exactly
we shall now call you Fen "Light beige trousers" ris
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:01, archived)

Light beige dark beige
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:10, archived)

You should know by now
that I have no shame, and hopefully the people that have met me will say that I'm the same irl :D
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:02, archived)

*giggles profusely*

( Malchick, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:00, archived)

Hehehehehe.
Heeh.
( Comma, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:01, archived)

I am visiting from the future.

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 13:26, archived)

im from further in the future
and would judt like to reassure you. you're still an insufferable cunt.
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 15:13, archived)

Meh

I don't think I need to say anymore than that after all that's going on with me.

Sooooooooooooooo glad I never shat meself though, I would have died!
( diffy maybs, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:56, archived)

Blimey you must have
rotten guts if it causes death!
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 15:58, archived)

But the doctors and nurses and midwives and stuff
have seen a billion people shit themselves in childbirth, so they wouldn't make a big deal of it.
( Comma, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:00, archived)

I know they so lovely

I was all paniky when they wanted to give me an internal as I had big granny pants on, I was trying so hard to get them off without them seeing them, they were really nice, kept saying, weve seen worse than pants you know Jamie, I know but not my pants!
( diffy maybs, Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:03, archived)

*makes note*
shy of knickers, proud of fanny
( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:09, archived)