Laxative
As a student (read: poor young person) I got roped into a medical trial at the university hospital. A mate who studied medicine convinced me it was essential for the advancement of humankind that the doctor folk understood the cells that line our colons. I sympathised with them greatly, especially since they were offering more than a month's worth of beer money to willing candidates.

On the day of the clinical trial, I was basically required to get up on an empty stomach at 6am, take a 3 liter bucket they provided, fill with water and dissolve a bagsy of powder. Laxative powder. Then I was to follow a steady schedule of downing the horrid stuff, tasted like watered down chalk. The taste was not nearly as bad as the effect: within 30 minutes I was on the toilet where I stayed for 3 hours. 3 hours of emptying my bowels and drinking horrible liquid that I knew would leave me very soon. Basically I was giving myself an enema. I imagined I was female and weeing. It didn't help.

That was part one. I then had to leave the comfort of my toilet and my house to bus it to the hospital. By the time I got there it was loo-o-clock again. The trial finished with an endoscopy: I watched on a monitor as my bum got closer, then saw the insides of my intestines. A little pair of tongs appeared into view, grabbed a fold of intestinal tissue and with a swift yank a sample was taken.

I spent another ten minutes shakingly drinking orange juice. Finally I went home with a fat CHEQUE and a 3 liter bucketful of good karma.

TL/DR: I did a wet poo and got a tube up my bum

EDIT: I spell pretty me
(Bosch balls, Wed 16 Jul 2014, 21:03, 7 replies)

There seems to be very few stories / anecdotes / cries for 'help' this week, so have some filler:
Once at the primary school I attended we were set the task of making a diagram of a microscope for our science homework. I completed my diagram during playtime (‘cos I’m a dweeb). Some classmates saw this and offered me money if I would do theirs. One wealthy little fellow even offered £10! How could ten year old me possibly refuse? I diligently worked through the lunch break drafting each pupil’s diagram, clever enough to make each one different enough to not be copied. The boys were delighted and each promised to bring me the money the next day.

They didn’t.

TL:DR - I once did the homework for several classmates, all of whom promised cash. We were all 10. I didn’t get paid.
(GonkHerder, Wed 16 Jul 2014, 14:48, 7 replies)

It pains me to say but for many years I was an intergalactic soldier of fortune. My main brief was
to find and destroy Time Lords. I did a pretty good job of it and now there are only a few left but their time (pun intended) will come. I pay large amounts of money for information leading to the capture and destruction of these twats.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 16 Jul 2014, 8:03, 37 replies)

Since my regeneration
I've been unemployed, sweeties, and have been forced to take on menial work to tide me over until I can find something better.

Thankfully not at a call centre or in the service industry. No! Ohe no! Found something better... sort of.

I'm working as a prabblenoox declarer.

Though this task is menial to me, it would be beyond you lot with your pudding brains.

So I will put up with it for now... but oh, what a waste of my talents!

Laigh8erz!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 15 Jul 2014, 21:49, 11 replies)

In exchange for cash
I regularly get spit on, clean up human vomit and/or turds, break up fights between drunks, homeless people and teenagers, I also...

Wait, this is just my normal job, can I submit this? Sod it.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Tue 15 Jul 2014, 21:48, 14 replies)

bees
(A small damp ball of cotton, Tue 15 Jul 2014, 16:51, 21 replies)

I get on webcam to show strangers my flange.
It's to pay for my university degree in forensic psychology.
One day I hope to work for Chinese overlords in Pizza Express.
(SSSSSSSSSS, Tue 15 Jul 2014, 3:29, 5 replies)

Didn't have the money round to buy a Morry Thou
Been around and seen a lot to shake me anyhow
Begged and borrowed sometimes, I admit I even stole
The worse crime that I ever did was playing rock 'n roll
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 18:49, 13 replies)

I spent days digging up graves in Hendersonville Memory Gardens
in Hendersonville, Tennessee but unfortunately
I was unable to raise Cash.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 14 Jul 2014, 18:45, 2 replies)

you can refuse payment if their money isn't in the right format
smaller coins are only legal tender as follows:

1p and 2p coins - up to 20 pence only
5p and 10p coins - up to £5 only
20p and 50p coins - up to £10 only
£1, £2, £5 and £20 coins up to any amount

shut up, i think it's mildly interesting/useful to know.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 16:54, 156 replies)

Anything,
pretty much.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 14:48, 7 replies)

Goldeneye
When I was at school someone paid me a fiver to take their copy of Goldeneye home with me and unlock all the cheats by completing all of the levels within the times required. Done the whole lot in one night, easiest 5 pounds I've very made.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 13:46, 9 replies)

A lad at our school would knock back a whole bottle of vinegar for a quid.
Sometimes he'd do it unpaid, for a laugh.

I think perhaps he just liked vinegar.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 13:26, 12 replies)

Along with my day job, I also do some outside consulting.
Mainly consists of people sending me a bunch of papers, which I read, then along with 2 or 3 other similar people, produce an opinion on whatever the problem is.

I have a specific routine for reading the papers. I carefully plan my day around it, ensuring I have them ready to read at the right time.

Thus, I often earn over £100/hour for taking a crap.
(username failed moderation, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 9:43, Reply)

I wrote two master's and one bachelor's thesis for my students. Got paid good money, not regretting it.
Oh, and I sold hashish when I was young. Ahh, good times.
( Mastarbeiter came into your mind on, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 8:51, 24 replies)

I was paid by one girl
to ping another girl's bra strap while she was actually working on a till position and serving a customer. Easy money, although probably contra-indicated in these days of hair trigger sexual harassment cases.

In my defence, the girls used to grope me mercilessly while I was on the telephone and leave Post-It notes on my desk for me to phone people with names like Don Kiddick and Phil Mycock.

Mine's the one with a portrait of the Queen and a wobble board in the pocket.
(rogerzilla, Sat 12 Jul 2014, 18:30, 11 replies)

Spray painting circles around sheet metal punctures
I remember working at an explosives test range. These days, they're interested in testing car bombs there, but in the days of yore they were interested in improving land-mine lethality. They would ring a bomb with metal sheets and detonate the device. Our job was to take the metal sheets and spray paint circles around the punctures caused by expertly-crafted shrapnel. It was above our pay grade to determine the shrapnel patterns, so we tried to avoid suspicion by remaining indifferent to these kinds of abstract intellectual matters. They would reuse metal sheets to save money, so we used different varieties of spray paint to distinguish which holes were attributable to which test. After repeated uses the sheets resembled modern art.

Handling bombs was above our pay grade too. Shortly after I left, an unfortunate static discharge blew up a shell while my supervisor was handling it. We clambered into a tank once, and turned the key to start it. It would have started too, but we stopped immediately, because we realized a random tank rolling around the adjacent golf course would be certain to attract attention. We used to ride around in an old ambulance, but someone failed to set the hand brake once, and I understand it pitched end over end down a mountain side. Wish I had seen that.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 12 Jul 2014, 8:42, Reply)

My best mate's brother once bet my sister a pound that he wouldn't piss himself in the pub
...he pissed himself and she gave him a quid; he was in the army, they used to do that sort of thing a lot.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 19:02, 12 replies)

Yoghurty goodness.
A few years back when I was about 25 and as skint as they come, I found myself in the position of doing things to amuse my older brother ( then 27, and a doctor no less ) All for the wonderful price of £2. Things that included chugging some 'Daves insanity sauce', eating some menthol crystals etc.

this all stopped after the yoghurt incident.

After cleaning out the fridge, a lob that was LONG overdue, we discovered a strawberry ski yoghurt that's was about 2 years out of date. My darling brother looks at me and utters the words " two quid ".

Well the challenge was on and I opened the grisly pot. To my astonishment it actually looked okay, not as pink as it should of been maybe, but generally okay. It didn't smell like rot or anything, so I tucked in.

It didn't taste like strawberry, more kinda.....tangy.....fizzy almost, like the taste of licking a nine volt battery.

My brother grinned and laughed as I was forced to slurp down the whole thing, and slurp I did and won the prize!

For the next few days my toilet visits were unpleasant. It honestly felt like I was firing a hot brown laser from my poor poor annus. Was it worth the two quid?......you betcha.

noose peg.
(Noosepeg Muff punched your grandma, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 18:26, 11 replies)

I work with computers

( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 17:06, 1 reply)

This might be a pea...
I let someone jump kick me in the chest for £3.50.

I also pierced my foreskin for fiver.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 16:44, 11 replies)

Went to a brothel in Barnsley for a male escort 'job interview'
I was going strong until the hagged Mademoiselle told me to get my wang out. Totally wimped out. Didn't get any money, but the woman gave me a menthol fag. I was 18.
( mookay immune to icons since, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 14:45, 21 replies)

I knew a girl from London who once accepted a small amount of money from this creepy white bloke with dreadlocks..
...to have herself photographed inserting a dinobot into her foof.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 13:44, 31 replies)

Ive sat at a desk and occasionaly made token efforts at looking busy for years on end when I would rather have been doing something else
for money
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 13:34, Reply)

For the right price, baby, I'll be whatever you want me to be.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 12:12, 4 replies)

I taught Fourier and Z transforms to electrical engineering undergraduates

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 11:09, 6 replies)

I was once 'fortunate' anough to see a, quite possibly still drug-addled, Jason Donovan play..
..this classy joint
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 10:20, 8 replies)

More of a failed attempt to make money but
Yeah, I've always been a bit of a cynic and decided one year around 8 years ago that Valentine's Day was a veritable gold mine, given the cheaply made saccharine shite that people buy in pound shops and whatnot.

As a prolific eBayer, I'd found various Chinese sellers selling all sorts of tat and formulated a plan. I managed to get a hold of 20 little "silk" bags for about 2 quid, and the idea was I'd buy a load of Swarovski crystals, fill the bags and then sell them as little Valentines treats to people at a marked up price. I managed to find some "SUPER DELUXE FASHION ACCESSORY PRINCESS SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL TOP PRICE x 500" for £5, figured 25 crystals in a bag would look pretty good and could sell them for maybe £5 a go, making a nice little profit.

Now I know a LOT of what I just said sounds stupid in hindsight (rather embarrassed to write it) but a bigger batch of stupidity was about to come down the pipe.

For whatever reason, I had been oblivious to the fact that crystals are not all the same size. My happiness at getting such a big haul of these knockoff crystals started to wither when the telltale jiffy bag came through with the big green sticker on it to say it's from China. It was telltale because it was the smallest jiffy bag I had ever seen.

Sho' nuff, I open the envelope to find a tiny, tiny little zip lock bag filled with plastic crystals, each one literally slightly bigger than a grain of sand (and that's not the modern mis-used literally. This was LITERALLY literally).

They just about filled one bag. I gave up. To this day when I sort through old stuff I will find the odd little brightly coloured grain here and there.
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 10:03, 31 replies)

Dirty click whore, Dr. Shambolic pays me 0.0000006 bit coins for pretending 'I Like this'
The secret is out. Now I will wash in bleach.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 9:48, Reply)

Mrs Vagabond maintains that she's only going out with me for a bet.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Jul 2014, 9:35, 5 replies)