Barclays.
When I moved here, I was staying in Halls, and my nearest Barclays obviously had loads of students as punters.
They had a policy in Freshers week of their staff wearing jeans and t shirts. It was embarrassing.
Also, when I was in the co-op, they made their staff wear fancy dress on Christmas eve. They were all dressed in King Arthur style, and the sight of a middle aged guy wearing a jester's outfit really was silly, I thought I'd walked onto the set of Monty Python and the Holy Grail,
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 21 Jul 2009, 15:56, Reply)

Breaking and entering.
My mate had his house broken into by bank employed estate agents, and all his furniture put outside, and the locks changed.
This was for defaulting on his mortgage. Only problem was, they'd got the wrong address! It was his neighbour they should have went to, it was him who'd defaulted.
He found this out after going to the estate agents, and kicking off. He even threatened to bring a prosecution for breaking and entering.
Being a Saturday, the counter gimp phoned the bank manager of what had happened. Well, they shit themselves. He offered to put them in a hotel until they got sorted, and grovelled his butt off.
When my mate mentioned the press, and what they would make of evicting a family wrongly, a large compensation was offered on condition he kept it shut.
Fuckwits.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 21 Jul 2009, 15:38, 3 replies)

Celeb clients
One of our celeb clients at my old bank was Roger Moore. Suave as a motherfucker, exceedingly polite, and always carried a little pack of head shots to autograph for his adoring public.

Got one for my Mum. She framed it.
( Sallyrsm, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 15:03, 2 replies)

Dutch Bank Payback
I needed a new cash card, you can order them here without changing your PIN but you need to go to a branch to do it. So I was waiting in line too order the new card and a Dutch guy walks up to the head of the queue and the teller starts to serve him. It happens a lot here, queue jumping, it annoys the hell out of me. This time I lose the plot and follow him and point out other people were here first, the teller was not happy. Causing a scene is a far worse sin than a bit of queue jumping.

The guy backs off, we get served in turn I place my order and 3 days later I get my nice new card. To use your card you need to activate it. You can do it at an ATM but for no reason I go back to the bank. Same teller as before. Me “ Can you activate my card please,“ she takes the card click, click she checks my details, her “ have you got you new pin number I ordered for you when you were in the last time?“ I looked at her, she smiled we both new I hadn't ordered a new pin and it would take another 5 days for it to arrive. Payback is a bitch.
(nee22 NL ExPat, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 15:00, 3 replies)

My ex, not the sharpest knife in the drawer,
decided after we separated to empty our joint account, containing two months' worth of his salary, into his new account. Which he'd opened five minutes before, at the same bank, while explaining to the clerk exactly why he needed it.

So when he tried to transfer the money across, the clerk told him that she'd had to freeze the joint account because of his changed circumstances.

He went ballistic and the clerk popped into to the back office, partly to get the manager to explain it to him and partly to collapse, wheezing with laughter, on her mate's desk. The rest of the staff then watched and listened as the ex tried to talk his way out of it.

The ex didn't get anywhere with the bank and the account stayed frozen until our decree absolute a few years later.

I was formally informed of this by letter, but the informal acting out of the ex's apoplectic rage by a bank clerk friend who saw it was infinitely more enlightening.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 14:50, Reply)

Buzzing
This is the last story, I think, from my days as a bank-monkey. And it's only barely bank-related.

There was a coffee rota, and it was my turn to make it.

The brand of choice at the bank was Mellow Birds. One person specifically requested that I use only a small amount of the powder, and use extra milk, because she found it a bit strong for her tastes.

How the hell - and I ask this in all earnest - can a person find Mellow Birds strong? And, if Mellow Birds is too strong, what remains? A cup of tepid milk that was once told about a person drinking a cappucino, perhaps?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 14:31, 2 replies)

Fraud Squad
I had previously said I was very happy with Barclays, however there was one incident that has come back to me...

(wavy lines)

It was a Friday evening, the hubby and I had had a long day at work, and decided to go out for dinner. I go to pay the bill afterwards, and my card is declined. Odd, as (for once) I had a fair amount of money in my bank account.

Still, as I do not trust banks that much, I always carry a credit card with me, and I pay no problem.

At home, I check online - all seems well. As I need to buy some car tax, I try to pay for it online to test my card, no it is blocked.

I ring up Barclays and speak to a bloke he had quite a heavy South African accent and the line wasn't too good, but he informed me that my card had been stopped. Naturally I ask why, and here is where the conversation gets a little unintelligible, but there seems to be not only a problem with my card, but my mobile phone too.

As he goes through details with me, I sudddenly click he is on about signing up my mobile phone for prtoection (I have an additions account that you get free stuff with). As this has taken up about 10 minutes of my time, I get a bit short. I asked to skip this and get on with the matter in hand, and for another 5 minutes, he tries to sign me up. In the end I believe my words were:
"I don't give a damn about mobile protection, my phone is here and it is working. I am more concerned about my card which I cannot use and need to make purchases with."

He says he has to transfer me over and I start talking to a lady and it transpires that they have been tipped off by Surrey Police that they have recovered some card-cloning equipment and my card number was on a list of cards to be cloned.

Okay, I think, well that's not bad. But it continues...

She explains that they have been informed a few days ago (I hadn't used my card for the last week), so I reply that it's no problem I must have missed the calls/letters.

"Oh no, we don't call or send a letter out to you."

What the fuck? Seriously, on asking further, they cancel cards at the merest sign of fraud, but don't bother to tell you. Well thanks a bunch, so when can I expect a new card? Five days - oh wait that's five *working* days, so a week's time.

Wonderful. I have no branch in my town, so I can't just 'pop down and withdraw cash' as the lady suggests.

Barclays, your accounts are good. Your fraud people are crap. Fine, cancel the card, but at least bloody tell me you cretins.

And breathe. Thanks goodness for credit cards.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Mule
During my stint working in a bank, and notwithstanding the large amounts of money with which I came into contact every day, we did once manage almost to run out of readies.

A phonecall was made to another branch of the same bank a couple of miles down the road, asking if they could lend us some. They could.

It was fairly brisk business that day; the only person whom they could spare was the general dogsbody - that is, me. No matter that I'd never been to this other branch, and was known by noone there - they were expecting me. All I had to do was to turn up and introduce myself.

I did so - and was promptly handed a large bag full of cash. I can't remember how much it was, but, given that we were a bank about to run out of money, it can't reasonably have been less than about £10k.

Fortunately, I'd driven down there rather than walked.

Securicor be damned. If you want your money moving about, just ask the temporary staff. Being temporary, it doesn't matter if they get attacked and killed - they weren't in it for the long haul anyway.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 14:22, 2 replies)

Not very funny
But but having had enough of Lloyds charging me over the years for going 20p over my overdraft, I changed banks to Smile (Co-op). I cancelled my Lloyds account at the local branch, having been with them 19 years. The lady just said 'Found a new bank have you?' and that was it. Not that I was expecting a blow job to stay or anything.
Anyway, I can hugely recommend Smile and the Co-op bank, they've been nothing but helpful. Plus you never see any news of co-op getting involved in the whole sub-prime bollocks as they have a great ethical policy.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 13:50, 3 replies)

Just yesterday
I was trying to get a printed balance from one of the machines inside the bank.

I couldn't get it to work whatever I tried - so I got one of the cashiers over and told her the machine was broken.

Just as she came over, the printout appeared!

The cashier said "Do you still think the machine is broken?"

So I replied "No. I would like to withdraw my statement".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 13:45, 2 replies)

Abbey Win!
Forgot about this one. During trials and tribulations with Abbey, I once needed to withdraw £400 for a replacement disposable car. A fine fifteen-year-old Vauxhall Chavalier on this occasion... I digress.

I went into the bank and, knowing that the daily cash machine limit was £300, queued up. For about twenty minutes. When I got to the window, Emo cashier boy says, "oh you need to take £300 from the cash machine and then I can do the other £100."
"But I'll have to queue up again!" I protest.
"No it's fine," says Emo boy, "use that cash machine there and I'll get the £100 out, just come straight back to the window."

Fine, the machine is literally next to the counters; I get my £300 and go back.
"So," he says, counting out tennners, "that's ten, twenty, thirty..." "Actually," I say, "can I have it in twenties please?"
"Oh yes, of course," says Emo boy. He counts ten tenners back into his till... and then proceeds to count out the twenties.
"Ten, twenty, thirty..." etc.

I obviously kept my gob shut.

Two hours later, a frantic phone call from the branch manager. "Mr X5, did you withdraw some cash over the counter today?" "Why yes I certainly did, one hundred English pounds in fact."
"Right... did you happen to notice if it was ten or twenty pound notes?" "Oh no, I am afraid I didn't. is there a problem?"
"We might have given you the wrong amount, you see. Can you check the money and see how much it is?"
"Well, no I can't, as I've already handed it over to the man with the car. However, I do have a receipt which I signed and you stamped to say it was £100. So if you have UNDERpaid me, there's not much I can do is there?"
"Well, Mr X5, i'll be honest, I think we overpaid you."
"Ah yes, but in this situation, in light of my receipt, I don't suppose there's much you can do is there....."

Take that you thieving bastards
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 12:29, 5 replies)

Stuck Up Celebrity Bankers
We had a z-list celeb argument at work once - that ugly bloke from steps (or something) rang up complaining cause his card had been eaten by the machine. So we asked him to come down and bring some ID with him in order to try and help him get his card back.

Anyway, the silly fool sends his secretary down with his passport and driving license, she comes to the counter and starts screaming at the staff after being informed that we could'nt accept the ID on the basis that, even though it's her employers account, he had to be there.

While all the commotion is happening, I'm sat at the back sorting out a load of paying in slips, and my manager comes up to me and asked who the arrogant twat in the suit was.

"Ah ignore her" i said, "she works for H, Boss.."
*hides*
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 11:22, 4 replies)

Win
My missus works in a well known, high street bank.

One of the staff duties is to load up the ATMs with cassettes full of cash so we can all withdraw more money than we need on a Friday night and spend it on more booze than we need.

Now, these cassettes are marked £20 or £10, but sometimes, and this Friday was such an occasion, a hung over, teenage fuckwit manages to slot them in the wrong holes. Why these things don't come in two different shapes so this could never happen is a mystery to me.

So, Friday night comes round and there is a lllllllllllooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggggg queue to use one of the two cash machines outside the branch. You put your card in, ask for £10 and get £20. Everyone's a winner (except the bank, but who cares).

I know this has happened a number of times at different banks, but this time, a bank employee is out on the night. Any decent employee would notice what's going on and call out her manager lickety-split, but no! This lady decides it's cash time and her and her boyfriend repeatedly use their cards to get their hands on the cash bonanza. The bank accounts they both use were from the same high street bank that they are fleecing and that she works for. Not clever.

The next day the mix up is noticed, all transactions are traced, where possible, and accounts rectified. The system flags up Mr and Mrs Stupid, the bank notices Mrs is employed by them, she is called in to explain their actions. Her excuse "I was too drunk to notice what was happening.......Yes, on all 7 occasions I used the machine" The bank disciplined her more for the fact that she was "so drunk" only half an hour after her shift had finished than for fraud.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 11:04, 1 reply)

More Abbey Shat Woes
A few years ago I got into minor difficulties with Abbey. Being a sensible sort I went down to the branch to see what could be done.
"Well Mr X5, you'll need to make a payment of £120 immediately to bring your account back in line."
"Not an immense problem," says I, "my next monthly salary will be credited on the 26th, approximately £950."
"Ah," says the fat tart on the customer services desk. "you'll need to pay it by the end of the day on the 25th I am afraid."
"But I cannot make this payment," says I, "until the following day."
"In that case you will be charged an additional £35 unauthorised overdraft fee on top of the £50 you have already been charged for being £70 overdrawn."
"Not fair," I cry. "It shouldn't have let me go overdrawn in the first place, seeing as I have an Electron card - which I wanted to avoid this happening!!"
"Well," says fat tart, "We shall now take away your Electron card and give you a cash card instead."
"what would happen," I rejoin, "if I lost my job now?"
"Well," she says. "You would not be able to use your account and you would need to pay us an affordable monthly amount."
"Brilliant: I am unemployed and am not expecting any more salary payments."
"You said you were expecting £950?"
"Oh silly me, I meant that the new account I am about to set up at another bank is expecting £950."

Closed the account and they froze the charges. I then proceeded to pay the £70 back at the rate of a pound a week. Abbey now send me a statement every month showing that I have a penny in the account. I can't withdraw it because they "don't handle coppers", and they can't transfer it out unless I pay a "small transaction fee".

And if they had waited not twelve hours, they would have had my charges and my continued custom. Abbey's rules are, to say the least, a little daft.
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:48, 2 replies)

savings account for my 3yr old
I had a jolly jaunt trying to open a savings account for my 3yr old daughter at Natwest and it only took 4+ weeks to achieve it!

As I'm divorced I spend every other weekend with my daughter. Also working full time my access to a bank WITH my daughter is confined to a Saturday morning.

She got a cheque for £10 from my Auntie for her birthday so we decided to open a savings account for her. I gathered up ID for me as her guardian and took her to the bank. I requested to open an account for her with me as signed guardian and was given a stack of forms to complete but the advisor did at least copy all my ID and signed it etc.

Bugger, I need her birth certificate, which her mum has and I have little chance of seeing again. Home we go and I apply for a copy of the certificate by post and it arrives. So next weekend I go back to the bank and see the same advisor along with the ID signed by her and present her with the birth certificate.... Nope, strike 2! It turns out 4 pieces of official ID and 25 years of banking with them are not enough and I must actually have my 3 yr old with me to open the account????

SO, following week we go back AGAIN and as you can imagine as soon as we're in my daughter runs off to the corner to play with the crayons and colouring in things. I take the paperwork over and see the advisor who asks about my daughter. I say "she's colouring in around the corner" (not visible from the desk). Somehow that's now fine and she submits the paperwork.

A mere 2 weeks later and I get a letter advising the account is now open and what the account number is. A month later they've still not managed to action the standing order I setup to pay into her account, nor the one my parents setup.

So it seems if you want to open a childs savings account AND actually put money into it the bank does near everything they can to stand in your way. Funny thing is I remember opening accounts for myself when I was young where it seemed the only criteria were to have £1 and be able to write your name on the form.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:44, Reply)

ANZ Bank
I picked this bank originally as I liked their blue colour scheme and the ASB Bank sounded a bit too much like the ASS Bank.

I had an account with ANZ the first time I visited New Zealand and was impressed with their service. Opening the account took about 20 minutes and in that time they gave me my ATM / EFTPOS card on the spot and let me choose a pin. "What do you mean here's my card? You mean I don't have to wait 4 weeks for it to be delivered to the wrong address and then wait another 3 weeks for the PIN?"

Anyways, I left NZ later that year and closed the account. (Got the account balance by cheque in sterling within a week of returning to the UK)

Three years later I return to New Zealand and go back to ANZ to open another account.
I mention that I've had an account before and the nice lady says "Is this you?" and points at my old account details. I say "That's me" and she goes "OK", clicks the mouse and says "I've reactivated your account, here's a new cash card"

No utility bills, no ridiculous security questions - just decent common sense and good service.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:36, 8 replies)

I applied for a job
as a mortgage advisor for a well known bank. The interview was a success and I was informed that I could start in a weeks time.

When I arrived on the following Monday, suited and booted, I was told that I would be working with all the cashiers, and not in my own office, spouting off mortgage advice to the general public.

"Why am I going to be doing this, it's not at all what I was expecting", I asked, quite angrily. "What do you want me to do?"


"That would be telling", I was told.



Sorry.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:22, 4 replies)

I can't help wondering
if I haven't paid for my beautiful porcelain pig many, many times over.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Bank charges.
If the fuckers are hitting you for these, (£35 plux £28 for being £11 in the red), try a website, www.moneysavingexpert.com. It has templates for reclaiming your beer vouchers, and an update on charges being made illegal.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:09, 1 reply)

Nooo!
Stevie Wonder walks into a bank…….and asks for a book on suicide

(Gets coat and hides)

(Awaits attack from Sickipedia members)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:07, Reply)

Cunts, the lot of them.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:04, Reply)

Debbie Jones and my Fucking Car
One Friday afternoon I parked my car and went over to the ATM. I had plans. Big plans. All I needed was a bunch of lovely crisp banknotes to oil the wheels; my drinking fund. Unbenown to me, high above on top of one of the tall buildings that framed the street a girl named Debbie Jones was edging closer to the edge, tears streaming down her face.

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP...

No cash! Shit!

I wrestled with the onscreen options and obtained a mini statement. Shit! My account had been raped by those bastards at British Gas! No... fucking... drinking... funds... shit...

I turned, my plans well and truly fucked. Instead of a night in the pub, all I had to look forward to was a TV meal and a night in front of the idiot box. Fucking British Gas and their automated payments... Suddenly, as if from nowhere, this girl Debbie’s substantial form – arms and legs flapping like a hideous pink butterfly – hurtled down from above and crashed onto the roof of my motor. My beloved Ford seemed to buckle in two, the windows smashed, the alarm went off. I was splattered in a fine spray of Debbie’s blood and brains and, worse than this, my car was a complete write-off.

Shit...

I glanced down at the mini statement, glanced back up at the mass of crushed flesh and bone that had totalled my car. I cursed my luck. How was this possible? I could understand being fucked over by one, but I was left reeling after being fucked up the arse financially by two random direct Deb-hits in the space of a few minutes...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 9:50, 11 replies)

Ooh another one...
at the American bank where I was a forex cashier, we used to get the messengers to go down Victoria Street to a real proper bank when we wanted change.
One day the head messenger's son was in doing some work experience so we sent him for the change instead of the usual guy. He had £120 in £20's we wanted £1 coins for. Unluckily for him we also gave him a note that said

"empty the till into this cash bag"

I seem to recall I learnt a few new sweary words that day.
( Sallyrsm, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 8:09, 1 reply)

Name Change
Apologies in advance for lack of fuunys.

5 years ago I managed to get married. Yay me! So off I trot to the bank (which is a non royal bank located in Scotland) to change me name. During the course of the conversation to get my name changed I stressed that although I had changed my surname I had kept my title and it was under no circumstances to be changed to Mrs. When I received my new card I would phone up to confirm receipt and my old card would be cancelled and my new one activated. A few days later my new card turns up and of course the title is Mrs. I phone up and receive no apology but advised that as I was married it was assummed that my title was Mrs despite advising several times that it was not. Anyhoo I ordered another card in the correct name and advised that they would keep my old card active and to destroy the incorrect card which I confirmed more than once. Later I go to withdraw cash and my card is spat back at me which I found strange as I knew I had cash. Phoning later I was again not given an apology (noticing a trend here?) and told that they had activated my new (and destroyed card) and no new card had actually been ordered. So off I trot to the bank taking time off work (although I did get the bank to pay for the taxi) to get this sorted. Once again we go through it all, yes I was married, no I was not a Mrs, oh and can I actually have some of my cash please so I can get some high end luxuries like food. So they agree to let me have some cash and order a new card for me. A few days later my new card shows up and there in all its glory again, Mrs. Wearily I trot off to the bank where after again receiving no apology I am told that my title really should be Mrs as I am married. The red mist decended at this point and they were on the other side of a rant that lasted a few minuted with short pauses for breath where I managed to get in various subjects ranging from feminism to the dubious parentage of various members of staff. This time it was sorted.

A couple of months later me and hubby decide to add him onto the account as all the direct debits come out of my account anyway. I advise them I just want him added on to my non fancy very basic bank account and we were advised I would have to open a new one. So we go through it all transferring DD, wages etc to our new account number and then instead of cards a letter drops through telling us they would rather not have my husbands custom. We go down transfer everything back to my single account and told again that they didn't want his custom due to his credit history (which was better than mine) This was on a basic account. Anyway we went with First Direct who not only had both of us but gave us a debit cards, cheques books and an overdraft. When I was asked in my old bank why I was closing my account it was nice to say "actually I wanted to stay with you but it seems you don't want us and several thousand pounds of my money every month so I managed to find a bank that does" and off I went.

I have no problems with first direct and my old bank did send me a very expensive bunch of flowers to apologise for the name mix up
(ladraven, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 7:44, 12 replies)

Grrrrrrrrrrr
I got a letter from my current bank informing me that as I wasnt using my full overdraft facility, they were reducing the limit.
4 days later ( on a saturday) another letter informing me I had exceeded my agreed
( recently lowered without consulting me) overdraft limit and would be charging me £25 plus £12 for each day overdrawn.
Overdrawn by a massive 0.9p.
Cue my appearance outside my bank at opening time on Monday demanding an appointment with my bank manager.
Who magnamously agreed to waive the charges and put my overdraft limit back to its original amount.
I guess the last thing you need first thing on a monday morning is a wide eyed, foaming at the mouth and panicked customer who has banked with them relatively trouble free for several years .

It bloody spoilt my weekend
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 2:24, 2 replies)

Banking Student Woes
When I was a student a well known high street bank which we will call Boyds, and has a prancing horse as its logo, were kind enough to allow me to have a student account with an overdraft facility.

Unlike many of the stories here, the Bank were pretty good (whislt I was a student). I used £700 pounds of the overdraft which after three years of student living, was not a bad overdraft (beer and baked beans cost money after all). After I had graduated I decided to try and stay where I studied as I liked the town and was looking for full time employment.

So there I am job hunting, going to agencies reading the local paper, job section etc. I still can't even sign on the dole at the time, because I was still classed as a student. The Boyds bank start asking for there overdraft money back (about a week after my final results came in). They can see I am skint, money is going out, but no money is coming in. I explain this too the bank (just graduated, job hunting etc.), they make sympathetic noises, but the letters keep coming and then start going red.

At this point I was forced to go back and live with my parents, as the job hunting was taking some time. I was well miffed at this, as I had been banking with Boyds for years, and had not put a foot wrong, but when I needed them they kicked me where it hurts.

I have never forgotten there shabby service, and I will not be getting a mortgage with them, when the time comes. I will make some other ungrateful institution wealthy with all the interest they will charge me.
(Marshall Law, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 1:03, 1 reply)

PRC Madness
China is fucking crazy. I mean retarded crazy. Anyway, here's just a few tales of banking madness:

* You need a card per province that you plan to use your Bank of China account

* If you use one province's card in another province, they will not only charge you to take money out of your account, but to put money IN.

* In some regions banking is stupid difficult - expect problems on opening a dual-currency account, receiving money from abroad (they don't understand middle names or how banking can route money around the world in different ways)

* In at least one region in which I have lived, FOREIGNERS couldnt change money into US Dollars. Only Chinese could. Yeah, cuz so many Chinese need foreign cash when they can't bloody leave the place.

* Queues generally mean nothing, and if the cashier looks busy and doesnt glance up as you wait in line (another concept they dont get), just walk up there and try your luck, nine times out of ten it will work.

Tossers.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 0:29, 5 replies)

Hehehehe, I just remembered one from last year.
When mum died, she left me a chunk of change - nothing I could retire on, but enough to put away for a while and watch it grow into a down payment on a property (hopefully in a year or two).
As the money was coming from the UK, and we didn't trust any kind of international check/money order, my brother did it via wire transfer.
I was expecting the money within about 5 days.

8am one Tuesday morning I get a phone call from the bank.
"Mrs WBM, this is the branch manager and we've seen some suspicious activity on your account"

Once they realized it was legitimate, the manager was all over me to invest in this, invest in that, take out this CD, here's a credit card with a $3,000 limit etc.......

Pissed him off when I only opened 1 CD account, put $5K in my savings and invested the rest.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 23:53, Reply)

Instant Transfer
When we where buying our house I had the deposit sitting in my NatWest account. However for reasons that escape me I had to transfer the money to my Smile account.

So I went into the NatWest and asked them to transfer the money.
"No can do."
"But surely you can, I can do this on the internet at home with my smile account" (this was 6 years ago when internet banking was rather new and NatWest didn't have internet banking)
"nope"
"Well how can I transfer the money?"
"You could withdraw the cash and take it to the bank"
"So you expect me to withdraw £8,000 in cash and walk through town with it?"
"Yup"

Well my concern was that if I stood in the bank and announced that I wanted £8,000 I was sure to be mugged on the way out.
So I asked the cashier if I could have a piece of paper.
I wrote on it that I wanted to withdraw £8,000.

The cashier look rather shaky as she took the paper from me. "Thank God" she said as she opened it "I though it was going to say 'give me all your money'".

FFS
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 20 Jul 2009, 23:42, 1 reply)

trying to pull the ol' switcheroo
On a more traditional note, I had a mishap back in the day when my car was broken into in NYC as I was inside Limelight, a bar famous because it had once been a church and was, in the late 80s a debaucherous haunt for coke fiends, bridge and tunnel trash and various club weirdos.

I went out to my car with my country bumpkin boyfriend who was visiting me from Georgia, we did some lines and stuffed my pocketbook under my seat. We went back into the club, danced like idiots and ground down our teeth for hours. Upon returning to the car, not only did I find it burgled, but they broke out the entire front windshield. It was February. In NYC. Thanks for the icing on THAT cake.

So my pocketbook was stolen, my money, my drivers license, my coke, and of course my ATM card.

I complained about this crime to a NYC cop and of course, sensing my “altered state” he advised me to “get the fuck back in your car and get your ass back to Jersey”.

The next morning as I called and cancelled my credit cards and went about getting new cards, I figured that maybe I could stick that $300 ATM withdrawal I’d made on the NYC thieves. I called my bank and reported to them that I’d been the victim of a quality of life crime and that I was in need of a new ATM card. They asked me what was the last ATM transaction I’d made. I told the nice lady on the other end of the phone that I barely ever used my ATM card (in my best Pollyanna voice) and that I couldn’t even RECALL the last transaction I’d made.

She said, “well I’m sorry to inform you that a transaction did post last night in the amount of $300. “Oh my word, no that can’t be.” I replied. Clearly that was from some drugged up degenerate withdrawing money to stick up their nose.

Turns out it was some drugged up degenerate, because then the nice lady at the bank asked me if I was POSITIVE I hadn’t used my ATM card last night, each time growing more and more impatient with me, and informed me, they had video of me making the withdrawal in the vestibule of the bank lobby.

Call me crazy, but if I didn’t get to do all the coke, I should have gotten SOME of my money back.
(persnickety I Am The Seaward, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 21:15, 1 reply)