Back in the day...
totally skint so I attempted to create something using what I had left in the cupboard:

- Fussili pasta.
- Tinned tomatoes.
- Tinned hot-dog sausages in brine.

One word - Don't!
Two words - FUCKING DON'T!

The acidity of the tomatoes combined with the saltiness of the sausages actually made it taste like piss!
( mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:33, 2 replies)

Not the best thing ever eaten
But the best thing you can put in a lunch box, take to work and eat cold several hours later is my own invention: a scotch egg sandwich with mayo.

You basically dismantle the scotch egg. Slice the boiled egg and layer onto buttered bread. Chop the meat and breadcrumb shell into small bits and put in a bowl. Stir in the mayo and spread this on to the boiled egg layer and off you go.

Also nice is a gala pie roll with mustard and a sausage roll baguette with Reggae Reggae ketchup.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:26, 3 replies)

mums fault
Mum was a shit cook. Growing up at home was a real trial when it came to meal times. A complete lack of imagination from her, coupled with her habit of overcooking everything meant most meals tasted like plywood.
Steak would be cooked to the point where trying to eat it would result in bent cutlery. Veg would be boiled to fuck until it lost all flavour, texture and nutritional value. She would then throw away the water, leaving the mushy dull-coloured slop to eat.
Roast dinners were a real chore...The meat would be painfully dry, with no gravy. Boiled potatos and the previously mentioned veg to accompany it...You would get a few mouthfuls in and your throat would start rejecting the food as it was so dry.

Dads idea of cooking was a tin of beans on bread and butter and that was pretty much it.

Despite this, I love food now and currently run a wee restaurant/snack bar place. The pizzas are pretty damn good... decent quality steak cooked rare with a variety of sauces.....lovely!
(dave likes cheese, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:25, 2 replies)

Forever blowing bubbles
(Disclaimed - technically I drank it, but who cares)


Some years ago I was spending the night around my friend A's house, with mutual friends BP, BC and K. Being sixteen at the time, the height of humour was considered to be tricking one of the others into drinking washing up liquid. This was made easier because we all had our own glass for the weekend (to save us having to clean them). After BP fell for the "quarter inch of washing up liquid left in the bottom" trick, the rest of us became more wary. Nobody else fell for it until the following morning.

I bounded stumbled down the stairs like the walking dead and into the kitchen for some fanta. I picked up my glass... and realised I was the focus of undue attention. I took a sniff. "Washing up liquid!" "You bastards won't get me so easily" I swore. I substituted my befouled glass for a clean one and poured in the last of the fanta before taking an almighty swig.

As I swallowed it, I saw the my friends were still studying me. "Hmm" I thought. "This tastes rather... GAAAAAAAAAAH"

Fanta? No. 1:1 mix of fanta and washing up liquid? Yes. You know the feeling after drinking really strong, rough booze? As though the back of your throat is on fire? Well, it felt like that multiplied by a thousand. For four hours absolutely everything tasted of washing up liquid.

I wouldn't recommend it.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:09, 1 reply)

Best
the first meal I cooked in my new gaff with my Kid stopping over for her first weekend in her new room- the first time she had aver had somewhere to stay overnight with me (several years on low pay in house shares etc) was amazing. It was only a homemade spag bol, in the slow cooker, but she was there, so it was aces!!

Worst-Rhubarb Crumble. Fucking nasty. (personal opinion only, may not be the opinion of others)
(Unstable-Dan looks like that bloke out of Scream, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:07, 1 reply)

Best and Worst in one foodstuff
A long time ago when we were both studes the missus cooked me some biscuits to include in my lunch. The biscuits were uncharacteristically delicious. It has been a long time since I enjoyed biscuits as good. Upon tasting these delights I resolved to eat many of them the next day.

At breakfast I scoffed a cheeky one (she had already left) and stuffed a load in to my rucksack to enjoy at regular intervals during the day.

I had a couple for elevenses then went back to my labwork. After a couple of hours, I felt a nagging hunger pang, so availed to the write up area to enjoy my lunch. Sandwiches, crisps, chocolate bar etc and more biscuits. Three in fact.

Mid afternoon I get the same hunger pang, only this time its painful. 'Better eat something' was the brain's response to this unwelcome stimulus. As I eat two more biscuits the pain grows until I experience what I can only describe as having a cat try and eat its way out of my abdomen. At one point I was lying on a desk sweating like a rapist and shaking like a shitting dog, while some co-workers plied me with water.

After a seemingly interminable period of 'observation' where the first aiders basically did fuck all and just watch with faces flitting between pity, indifference and inconvenience I started, slowly, to feel better.

Around 6pm I had risen Lazarus-like and was ready to cycle home. I decided that seeing as I had consumed a fair few of those biscuits it would be prudent to investigate to see if I had some sort of problem with the ingredients used.

After it was decided that the ingredients used presented no issues I had to drill down in to the method of preparation. 'I cleaned the counter with Jif and then rolled out the dough and then put them in to the oven' was the rather defensive rely to my questioning.

Sensing the problem I asked her to demonstrate her cleaning technique. Viola. She squirted a shit load of Jif on to the counter, gave it ONE wipe with the cloth and then declared the counter safe for food preparation. Unbelievable. The streaks of corrosive stomach stripping general purpose cleaner were there for all too see.

Its called 'Cif' now, why is that?
(mersault, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:05, 7 replies)

About a year ago, I went through a period of hardcore student poverty
My boyfriend was unemployed and we were both living off my student loan, which didn't even cover the rent. There was a period of about two weeks where we survived on the contents of our penny jar, so it was Sainsburys basics and plain pasta/rice all the way (top tip - basics frozen sausages, while only about 5% pork, are actually entirely edible when covered with enough ketchup). Times were hard and, since we both do like good food, we were very very miserable.

So with our last 50p, in order to make our 5th consecutive meal of plain rice a little more edible, we went off to the supermarket to get some frozen peas. Cheap, colourful and something that would actually give our food a bit of flavour. When we got home Chris (the boyfriend) was very excited, so I sent him upstairs to get comfy and promised him the meal of a lifetime. Rice AND peas. Luxury. On goes the kettle, rice and salt in the saucepan, boiling water over it, cook for ten minutes. Add the peas, we were all set. And as he raised the fork to his mouth, I saw a little flicker of a smile, and excitement in his eyes. This was going to taste GOOD.

Except I put salt in twice. It was the nastiest, most dehydrating meal I've ever had. And it made my boyfriend cry real tears of misery and disappointment. I've never felt like such a failure as a woman before. This was by far our lowest ebb, everything was ruined and it was all my fault.

The next day he got a call offering him a job, and with his first paycheck we did a proper roast with pork. That was the best meal I ever had (and the masses of soup we got from the leftovers). Times get better kids.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:59, 2 replies)

Kippers Vindaloo
One drunken night watching Red Dwarf, we conceived the idea of trying out all the joke recipes mentioned. Triple-decker fried egg sandwiches with chilli sauce and chutney: fantastic. Gazpacho soup: much better warmed up.

But the star of the show was definitely Kippers Vindaloo.

The intensity of the smoked fish with the power of the curry is marvellous. But I do recommend eating it only when you have no plans to share confined spaces with people the next day...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:54, 4 replies)

Best/Worst
Best: Puerco Pibil at a Mexican restaurant in NYC with a mate. Really nice flavours and the pork was soft and juicy. I could have eaten it a thousand times over!

Worst: A lovely mud cookie by sister gave me when I was 6. Shoved the whole thing in my mouth. Bitch.
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Worst?
Your mum
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:51, 1 reply)

Leek and Potato Pie.
I'm not good at cooking. That's an understatement. I'm really fucking shit at cooking. I get bored and add things when and where they shouldn't be added.
Back when I was 'courting' MissDchurch I invited her over for dinner.
Being incredibly skint and really fucking shit at cooking, I had a look in the cupboards to see what I had to make dinner from.
I had leeks, and I had potatoes. Very little else.
"Leek and Potato Pie" I thought!
I added some chopped leeks and chopped spuds, had no idea about pastry but carried on regardless. The recipe said, "Add milk or cream". I had a little goat's milk (about three thimbles worth). I added that. I looked around for something creamy and spied a half drunk bottle of Baileys. In it went.
As it was cooking, it smelled lovely. I had a mid-cook taste and nearly shat myself there and then. Disgusting.
"Hmmmm" thinks I, "how can I take that dreadful sweetness out?"
Then I saw the pickling vinegar. In it went.
It took the sweetness out alright.
We had ham sandwiches that night.
We've been together five years this year, so thankfully, it wasn't my culinary skills she was after!

The best would have to be a little restaraunt not far from where we live. Fantastic steak and....well everything. Not too much of a story really, apart from it's bloody expensive.
(dchurch bah, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:45, Reply)

not a winning combination
If you're so piss poor that the only edible things in the cupboard are muesli and tomato soup,don't be tempted to use the soup as a milk substitute.Imagine papering your walls with woodchip wallpaper then heating up the leftover paste bucket.Fucking rank.
(ruff secks R.I.P. uncle Jim :(, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I've eaten
Bestest - Wagyu steak at $90 in Kelly's Bar and Grill, Sydney

Worstest - soap in my bathroom. It didn't even look nice, I was just curious.
(lilypop, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

FLESH
Was in Germany a few years back and I was convinced to try Mett for breakfast.
Mett is simply raw pork minced up and mixed with salt and onion. Once I'd overcome the inbuilt conditioning of what my dear old mum told me about raw meat re: exploding botty (especially pork), I gave it a go.

It's delicious. Fresh and clean tasting, invigorating, simply wonderful.

Not to mention the protein rush is amazing - I was bouncing off the walls.

-

Best cooked meat was Vitello al pep verde, Veal steak (cooked blue), With brandy, cream and peppercorn sauce.

Tender? You could cut it with morning breath. The blood dribbling out of the steak and blending with the lake of sauce, the little pops of peppercorn between the teeth, the creamy unctuous blood sauce swilling around yer mouth..

My mouth came. I made a scene. I practically burst into tears.

-

Worst? Tried making home-made fudge once. It called for one drop of vanilla. I slipped while pouring (use a spoon away from the bowl, kids)and dumped half the bottle in.... then it got burnt.

Chalky, chemically, dry, bitter, gag-worthy. Utterly vile.
(The Dreaded Lurgi ravished your village and burned your women on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:38, 1 reply)

Sukuma Wiki, Ugali and Fresh Goat
as part of a New-Year's Day Wedding breakfast in a godforsaken corner of Kenya, which I'd just spent 3 hours driving to in a knackered old 4WD over unmade 'roads', having set off at 8 am with no sleep and still drunk from the party.

Ugali is a maize porridge, grey-beige in colour, and is much less tasty than it looks. Sukuma Wiki is green slop, made from kale. It is not the hangover breakfast of your dreams.

The wedding service took 3 hours in a church made from corrugated metal more or less on the equator. It was hot. I had things happening in my tummy involving sukuma wiki, ugali, Kenyan Guinness and cheap Scotch, so I quietly snuck out.

Just in time to see the goat for the wedding feast being slaughtered. Blooarrgh.

But after a couple of hours kip and a frankly alarming poo(colour / smell / consistency), I felt great.

Fresh goat with all the trimmings (flies mostly) was one of the most satisfying meals I've ever had.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:37, 1 reply)

Ok so minge is unfunny but.....
Mars Bars in a warm place very quickly become melted chocolate and caramel. Melted chocolate and caramel mixed with the body's natural vaginal lubrication gets very runny. Meltychocolatecaramelvaginallubrcation gets everywhere, sheets, blankets, duvet and yourselves require much washing and it tastes fucking awful.

Don't do it kids.
( Peej, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:32, 6 replies)

Ok, easy one for me this week. The worst things I've eaten so far are;

Boiled duck foetus in Manila



Fried silkworm pupae in Zhuhai



Bamboo rat in Yangshuo



...and bell peppers. They're just as bad as any of these and I have to pick them out of every single meal I order as they seem to be the world's most ubiquitous vegetable.
( Zuowan, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:30, 4 replies)

These are cooked on one side...
just waiting to flip them:



They were AWESOME!!!!

as for the worst thing ever....my mums home made sweet and sour sauce, she got the measurements wrong...it was sooooo sour it was EBIL!!!!!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Anthony Worral-Thompson & The Xmas Turkey
Christmas, either 1999 or 2000. Pre-parenthood, so it was me, my missus, and my dad for lunch, and rather than have the std issue bit bland really turkey, we thought we'd follow what that nice Mister Worral-Thompson off the telly did, and do some spicy things with the turkey to give it a bit of voom. It was supposed to enhance the flavour, give it a little bit of bite - just round it out nicely. Nothing more.

I got the seasoning bits and applied as per his recipe (as downloaded from whatever telly show website it was), and then we cooked it - and it came out moist, tender, slightly coloured by the spices. Then I tried eating it...and I may as well have take a handful of raw phal spices and eaten those instead. It was nothing short of incendiary, and still bloody tasteless to boot. All three of us took one bite, spat it out, and agreed. Even the cats ran away from it. It went straight in the bin and we feasted on roast spuds, stuffing (thankfully cooked separately) and asst veg.

Sod you, Worral-Thompson.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:27, Reply)

Beef course.
I had the best beef dish I've ever eaten two weeks ago at Ettington Park Hotel. It was a pencil fillet of beef with a Braised Beef and Port Stilton Suet Pudding, Parsnip Puree, parsnip crisps and a red Wine sauce. It was fantastic. I can still taste the suet pudding now and would go back just for that in an instant.

The worst thing I've ever eaten would have to be a can of Tescos own brand tinned steak and onion. I knew it was bad news as soon as I opened it as it smelt like feet and the stench filled my flat. I went ahead and ate it anyway but the resulting aftermath wasn't pleasant.
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)

The Thing From Another Kitchen
I was sitting in my front room, with the lights out, watching a horror film one winter evening. Feeling a bit peckish, I remembered I had left a muffin in the bread cupboard, so I duly paused the film and without bothering to turn on any lights, went to the kitchen. In the near dark, I fumbled around for the muffin and then headed back to the movie.

As some poor soul got ripped apart by a creature, I took a bite of that sweet, moist blueberry muffin. Something was not quite right; I took another bite, not understanding the unexpected signals my tongue was sending my brain.

Instead of sweet moist muffin, I was getting a much more earthy, almost dusty, taste. I raised my arm to switch on the lamp beside me. There, in my hand was something far worse than anything I had seen on-screen. It was indeed a muffin, but was covered in a thick layer of green, furry mould.

To this day I cannot stomach blueberry muffins.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:22, 1 reply)

I'm just going to say this once this week.
'So your story is I dislike/like eating *foodstuff's name here*?'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:19, 5 replies)

Potato cow cheek salad. In France. No one had warned me beforehand, so I pointed and tried in my bestest French accent to work out what they were feeding me that tasted like the inside of an old lady's gangrene.

"Eurgh *gip* KESS KER SAY???"

Their gesture of clumsily tapping the side of their nose I took as some sort of French "aaah, now that would be telling".

Turns out, nope, they were just indicating which part of the face I'd just eaten.
(DBS, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

It's what friends do
When someone offers you a suspiciously lumpy chocci, and you accepet the first, rather rubbish answer you were given for as to why said chocci was a wierd shape, you cannot then freak out and say I am a horrific trickster of a friend when (after I have regained my composure) I tell you the reason I am laughing is because you just ate a chocolate covered cricket.

I'll say it now, as I said it the: "It's what friends are for!"
(Cydonija well it sure as shit ain't sad, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:17, 3 replies)

Bonnyrigg
Deep fried haggis.

Wonderful
(GsterMum, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:13, 6 replies)

Beggar's Chicken
- wrapped in newspaper and baked in a ball of mud - Sounds revolting and comes to the table still in the newspaper, tastes like heaven. A speciality in resturants in Hangzhou.

Worst Chinese Food in comparison - pretty much anything bought from a english chinese takaway.

If anyone knows where I can get Beggars Chicken in the UK or Squirrel Fish for that matter then please gaz me.
www.chinesefoodrecipes.org/chinese-fish-recipes/squirrel-shaped-mandarin-fish/
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:13, 1 reply)

One of the best things I've ever eaten was a Buccleuch Estate steak in the City Inn in Glasgow.
Cooked rare. A thin line of grey, small line of pink, then about an inch of purple coloured meat that my knife literally slid through.
With garlic butter and hand cut, twice fried chips.
I nearly orgasmed and my co-worker turned a funny shade of green.

The worst...
Went to a place near Alford called the Four Crosses.
I had garlic mushrooms to start and she had the melon platter.
I got those rock hard, breaded balls that were cooked from frozen and actually shot off my plate when I tried to pick them up with a fork. Her Melon was grey and tasted of nothing but cold and fridge.
She got the lasagne which she said was ok. I had pan-fried Monkfish and Scallops in a Garlic and cream sauce.
It was fucking horrific. The fish was disgusting, monkfish should be a meaty fish and this was grainy, the rice was in a solid dome and I picked the entire thing up with a fork. I must have blanked the memory of the scallops out cos I can't remember anything about them.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:09, 2 replies)

Chile.
Entraña.

Best.

Bye.

.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Anything I've grown myself tastes much better than shop-bought
Conversely, cheese.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Out in the wilder bits of North Eastern China
we've been fed deep fried starlings; whole, chickens feet; jellied, trotters; unidentified. Here's the kitchen they were prepared in..
www.tomkitching.co.uk/china/images/DSCN5614.JPG

Then I got drunk and fell into a steam engine inspection pit in pitch blackness and broke a rib.

It was great!
( Milkman Dan, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:03, 2 replies)