Serbitar
You sound like my sister, pregnant at 17 to a 42 year old part time builder/bouncer from essex. His family think she's 21.

PS Split up since, partys thursday.
(luckymcdanger, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 23:21, Reply)

loons
i notice how the young lads here refer to their "exes" as whores if they've slept with more people than they have. Being as this is b3ta, that must be 2 at the most.

I hid an exe's shoes when she cheated on me. She came home in the morning and had to go to work in trainers. It made me feel better. When I told her she said I was evil - but I'd only hidden them because at 4 in the morning what else do you do to placate yourself when your missus is banging her boss and didn't even come home to feed the cats, inconsiderate tart?
(lofichic, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 23:14, Reply)

she was kinda weird but didn't go completely bonkers until after i dumped her
anyway back in highschool this nice girl and i were dateing. i didn't last to long (i dumped the cheating slut)she cried for a while and then for the next week or so she started well... Molesting me and touching me in Inappropriate places. i would have said something to the princble but you know how Embarrassing that would have been? anyway she stoped after she started going out with other guy (I swear she must have gone out with more guys in highschool than i have had gone out with girls in my whole life... whore)
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 22:51, Reply)

Too many to count on my thumbs
Hmm nutters I seem to be a nutcase magnet:
1) Perfect english girl- acted like a nun in public but dirtier than a crack whore in bed, amazing tits 30F and really pert (natural aswell) unfortunately not only did her parent remind me of a pair of retired east end gangsters but she was madder than a sack of badgers with gulf war syndrome. She used to flip out and scream at me down the phone, assumed I was screwing every girl I spoke to (ok so she may have been right on one count) and generally made me seem sane which scared me. In the end I broke it off after 9 months of blissfull happiness and 6 months of sheer hell.
2) The replacement for 1. She's completely nuts, I'd typed a long description but then I remembered that she posts on here and I don't want my balls cut off.
3) My current housemate. Stunning, amazing in bed, amazing sense of fun and a truely wonderful person. Unfortunately she's had so much up her that I feel I need to wash my cock in detol after sleeping with her.
(lankymike, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 22:35, Reply)

old men
I guess you could class me as a nutter.

My track record for the last two years has been one guy aged 40, and my current fella who is 36 we've just bought our first house...

Bare in mind im only 21.....

Im not sorry for dating men old enough to be my dad... at least i dont have to put up wih childish fumbling and/or hopless exagerations of how good said man-my-own-age is.

i like em old and experienced....
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Sat 18 Nov 2006, 22:01, Reply)

WTF?
I didn't read last week's question about 'Going too far'...what the hell are you guys talking about?!
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sat 18 Nov 2006, 20:52, Reply)

Once upon a time, I knew a boy.
He was a few months younger than me but had a type of shy naiveness to him that was kind of cute, and he also had a bit of a thing for me. I decided that he couldn't be all that bad and went out with him for a day (as in out somewhere, not dating). All went well and lovely and I had a nice time and the guy wasn't trying to get under my clothing every few minutes either. Fantastic.

However, a couple of days later I was out with a friend when she stopped me and motioned over to a tree, "isn't that [insert lad's name here] over there?" I looked and it was. We continued walking and he would run from tree to tree and dive behind bins. As amusing as this was to begin with, after a couple of weeks of him being nearby where ever I went, I had to mention something. So I politely told him to bugger off.

All seemed well for a couple of days, then the strange e-mails started. My personal favourites were something like,
'Just yesterday I was tellin someone how I wish we had never met and how I wish you were dead and how I want to peel off your face with a blunt knife.' and 'I dont care what you do shrivel up and die, move to Wales. There is so much pain I just can't feel anything for you.'

Poor kid. Ah well.
( Fluffy elephants, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 20:40, Reply)

i like bonkers girls now
i had one basically stalking me for a while.

then last night i got hammered went and met her.

then i went to hers and let her destroy my virginity.

lets just hope that unprotected sex doesnt lead to pregnancy and or any nasty infections. im pretty sure it doesnt.

especially if the girls a bit mental and really easy.
(fwack bang on it, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 19:57, Reply)

First week of Uni
I met some guy at freshers week and got chatting to him. He seemed nice enough (and pretty damn sexy) so I gave him my old phone number, just incase he turned out to be weird.

That night after a raging party I find he's called me 10 times and left 10 messages about how he wants to meet up with me "just to get to know each other"

I think "freak" and delete his number. The next morning I get up, have a shower and when I get out who's standing there but this stalker boy saying that he checked my timetable and wanted to walk me to my morning class. At which point I walked into my flatmate's room and woke him up to get rid of this guy.

I kept seeing this stalker boy about campus untill finally I told him that "my twin sister kitnel" actually left uni and that I was lounel, and produced my fake I.D. to prove it. He asked for lounel's phone number and I told him I didn't have one.

I still see him about and he's always asking about "my sister" I'm thinking about telling him she's dead.
(kitnel it's probaby infectious, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 19:11, Reply)

A close shave..
I escaped this torture of a bint, my best mate didnt. She lived on the estate next to mine when we were 15 or so. I went out with her but not for long, my mate got in on the action too. They stay together for a year and a bit (thats marriage at that age surely?) and then he splits up with her.

Cue the mobile phone stalking. Cue the claiming to me and him that she was raped. Cue the ringing up his mum and accusing him of beating her and getting her pregnant. Cue her ringing me to say she was pregnant and could I come to anti natal classes.

What a nutjob.
(luckymcdanger, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 18:23, Reply)

It Is A Stupid Question
.
If you're 12 and have no life experience.

Me? I'm trying to decide which story from the many nutters that have infested my life I want to tell.

Some are just pathetic, some are bloody tragic but most are just boring. Still, there are a few tales to tell so it's deciding which one I can try and make interesting or, even better, slightly funny.

I'll be back later when I decide what will amuse you hyenas.

Or, more likely, when I get back from the pub and drunkenly tell you lot things that I should really keep to myself.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 17:52, Reply)

Sorry I'm late
I'm referring to the criteria of last weeks QOTW. I guess I'm taking a joke too far.


Shoot me now
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 17:52, Reply)

This is a stupid question
it is
(abignumber, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 16:06, Reply)

bagged
once I was hanging out with a guy who was 21 fine and not interested but i had hopes and liked to frustrate him so we went out for a beer.the bar was having a wet t-shirt night so i entered but on the exception that i could wear a brown bag over my head. the other girls in the contest also thought that was a fair and funny idea so we drew faces on our bags and hacked up our t-shirts to show more skin. The bartenders gleefully doused us with pitchers of ice water and we strutted down the bar.I did not win but got to keep the t-shirt and bag which now hangs on this guys' wall and he calls it Wanda.
(pulelehua, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 15:56, Reply)

Sorry I'm late
Went too far on the bus.
(DRAGONSLAYER, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 13:52, Reply)

I'm obsessed with Scandanavian women

Once I thought I actually was going out with a real Swedish woman.

But it turned out she was only a Swedish model.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 12:39, Reply)

Ooh, I remembered one
When my boyfriend was at uni, a lovely American girl lived in his flat for a semester on some sort of exchange thing. I was spending a lot of time at his halls of residence getting stoned, baking and generally being studenty. This girl and I became very good friends and would hang out a lot, particularly on the rare occasions when my boyfriend was studying; cooking together, comparing British and American comedy DVDs, going to the supermarket... and to lesbian bars.

It wasn't until about two months after we'd met that I found out she was gay. She had no friends who would go out to gay clubs with her, as most of her fellow Americans were a bit backward. My mother is a professional dominatrix, so I was well accustomed to various bizarre characters hanging about our house and therefore happily grew up quite liberal and hard to shock. So we explored London's lesbian hangouts together, and had a lot of fun. My boyfriend and I came to an understanding that me getting off with girls didn't constitute cheating.

I won't go into the enormous girl who grabbed my bum, or the boyish Thai who bought me endless drinks but barely spoke English, but I will mention Fernanda.

Fernanda was Brazilian, very cute. She eyed me from some distance before coming over to talk to me. I was rather drunk, and had spent a large portion of the night poledancing with my American friend. Hence I was in quite a silly mood. I invited my new Brazilian friend to dance with me, beckoning her up on to the raised dance floor. Turned out she was already on the dance floor, she was just REALLY short. Oh well, no big problem.

We danced, we made out, there was groping. We talked as much as the language barrier would allow. Eventually my friend and I left, with Fernanda reluctantly staying on as her mate was not ready to leave. We exchanged phone numbers, I thought hey, maybe she'd even be up for some fun with me and my boyfriend (I had told her I was bi, but not that I was attached).

I never got the chance to find out, because when it took me a few hours to answer her 4am text she turned into a psycho. She called and texted and stalked me until eventually she went back to Brazil.

I have now decided never to date a girl. We're good for fun, but fuck are we neurotic.

I never found out about her depth or volume.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 11:45, Reply)

Saturday morning Tribulations.
I, as many of you know - Live in Sweden.

...and, have dated many swedes... *hooray for me*.
one of whom gets a mention here.. b3ta.com/questions/misunderstood/post41070/

Anyway.. I woke up this morning in a similar state to last week... badly hung over and still regretting the balcony incident that appeared to be popular last week.

This morning it appears that god, through the medium of my neighbour is exacting some sort of revenge...

My neighbour must be ... ooohhh... 23 or 24.. single (I assume) and, I promise you this.. she is absoloutly stunning. by Swedish Standards, This lass is a beauty.

However, as of 9:00am I'm beginning to suspect that she's not all there. Apparement buildings here in Sweden usually have general rules, and what with Swedes following rules to the letter... people stick to them. (In Sweden pedestrians wouldn't run accross a road to escape an axe-wielding maniac unless the little green man was showing... but hey.. it's sweden. Axe-wielding maniacs don't exist) I digress.

9:00am to 9:00pm... That's when it is permitted to use hammer drills and make lots of noise in my building. No problem. It's not unusual to be woken up by someone playing with Mr Bosch next door. Today was no different.

Ms Next-door sparked up her powertool at 9:00am on the dot. She drilled ten holes... no problem. They were ALL in the wall that adjoins my livingroom. Again.. it's only ten.. i can deal with that.

... But she didn't stop at ten. Since then I've been counting M&M's into a pint glass for each hole she has drilled. (hey... i'm hungover... i needed something to do.)

Being an engineer and having been on this job for 3 hours .. (at time of writing) i've taken the libery to weigh said sweeties, the kind of glass i'm usign, and asmple of 10 "control" sweeties... and calculate the amount of holes so far.

I shit you not.. at the moment, she's done 134 holes in the wall behind me.. and it seems as though she's not planning on stopping just yet.

136.

Jesus titty-fucking christ.

140.

I'll recalculate and then re-count later... but WHY on earth does ANYONE need to drill 142 fucking holes in a wall that only measures 4x2 meters??

you know the film "ice age" that has the adorable sabre-tooth Squirrel trying to bury his acorn in everything?... and how he occasionally "looks at the camera" with a comicly forlorn, worried and scared little face and whimpers? -that's me right now.

143.

I mean.. REALLY... what the hell is she up to??

EDIT: 151 holes.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 18 Nov 2006, 11:09, Reply)

Bugger.
.
I've had a lot of crazy women in my time - I must attract them or something. They seem quite normal at first but, after a while, say a year or so, it starts.

"I want more out of this relationship. I don't just want to be used as a sex toy"

"OK love _ what do you want?"

"I wanna know your name....... "



Cheers


_{Apologies to whichever comedian I ripped that gag from}
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 10:34, Reply)

OK here it goes.
About five years ago, I met this girl, the only way to describe her would be stunning. I like very skinny girls, and this girl would make an Ethiopian orphan look a bit chubby. She also had a very very pretty face.

Anyway we got chatting in a bar, we bought some meth, went back to hers, we smoked the meth, we had some very very good sex. Now when I got her clothes off, the shear quantity of self harm scars she had should have rung alarm bells, but I'm a sucker for a great arse. So thought nothing of it.

Then in the morning when she said she was going out to get some food, but came back with some plastic bags, and a big tube of glue. I know I really should have left there and then, but I still had that horny meth buzz, so waited for her to stop crying and talking to her dead husband, and when she came down off her glue trip, we smoked a little more meth, and had some great sex again.

It ended up with me spendig a whole week with her, during this time she tried to stab me, cut her own throat, set fire to my appartment, jump off the balcony and stand in the street with a knife threatening passers by. After each of these episodes, I knew I should be running away, but like I said, great arse, great sex.

Anyway, the time I woke up to find her sitting on top of me with a knife, about to cut of my cock, I decided enough was enough. I told her she obviously had problems and needed help, but I wasn't the man to do it. I told her she should go and see a doctor, or she'd end up dead or in prison, and goodbye forever. She went a bit mental and punched me alot, but at least she didn't try and stab me again.

So the end of the story....oh no. About two months later, I'm walking into my local to meet my new and rather sexy girlfriend, and the police follow me in, ask me are you Edenmonster from London, to which I reply yes. They say, ok you come with us. Now you have to understand I live in Bangkok, and enjoy some less than legal recreational passtimes, so this was very very bad news. In fact I nearly shit myself, and everyone around me's looking at me with a you're fucked expression on their face.

So I follow the police, and on the way ask them what it's all about. They tell me they have my girlfriend at the police station. I'm wondering why, because as I said my girlfriend at the time was a very nice girl.

So I walk into the police station, and it's physco girl from two months before. It turns out she's been caught with a load of meth, told the police I'm her boyfriend and where they can find me. I quickly told the police she's nothing to do with me, while thinking-please don't urine test me please don't urine test me please don't urine test me. Luckily they didn't, they asked if I was going to pay her bribe, and I said no. She asked me to go and look for some of her friends, to see if they would pay for. I made a half hearted effort, but couldn't find anyone, so went back and met my girlfriend.

She got twelve years in the Bangkok Hilton. She'll be out in four, when she gets I'm going to either move, or spend the rest of life lookinmg over my shoulder.

That is all.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 5:05, Reply)

*drools*
It was college. She had curly red hair, long. And freckles. And great boobs, soft hips, great stomach. And she was somewhat magnetic...

She got hold of my faceparty.co.uk profile. And discovering that there were links to other people on my profile... she went a bit bonkers.

The first guy she discovered on my profile went to our college... so she messaged him, "accidently" bumped into him there and they went out for a bit. Nothing too bad there, apart from neglecting to tell the guy where she'd got the link from.

The second guy was a bit more fun. She got the number off my mobile ( either that or she's more scary than I thought ), and "accidently" sent it a text message. She then started chatting there, and low and behold, she messaged him on faceparty as well. Well, I didn't know the guy that well, but thought "sod it, he can deal with it" and left it - he twigged where she'd managed to get his number from anyway.

The third guy fell for her. badly. And managed to get him to drive 300-odd miles to come see her for a day or so. At which point, I'd had enough. And started yelling lots. She thought I liked him too, so she broke up with him. Only it was her... *sighs*

This would be a normal type of my quasi-crazy friends, if only for the fact that this happened over 2 YEARS ago and I'm still getting phonecalls from the second guy

"er, hello. Remember Claire?"
"er, yes"
"er... she's outside my house right now"
"er, did you invite her?"
"no"
"how did she get your address?"
"I don't know."

But she never understood. I wanted *her*. She would never have to stalk *me*. I wanted to touch that beautiful hair, caress her bosom, touch her face gently as I kissed. I wanted to take her in her room and give her the best sex she'd ever had, but no. I had to sit and simper away while she went and stalked all the internet people and not me.

Few weeks ago I find out that she doesn't like women anymore.
So i've missed the boat. But it doesn't matter. One day she'll see sense. And I'll be there waiting...
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 3:54, Reply)

you've got to be cruel to be kind

unfortunately, you also have to cruel in order to be an insecure manipulative fuckup.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 3:54, Reply)

im apparently a good looking guy
ive had three stalkers this year, what is it about me that makes a girl want to call my house just to hear my voice?
(blue-turk be bi bicky bi bo bicky bi bo, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 3:49, Reply)

I once...
Shagged Jim Davidson because I had my beer goggles on.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 3:08, Reply)

Every girlfriend I've ever had has turned out to be a mental.
Without exception.
The one from last week's QOTW wasn't even the worst. That dubious honour goes to the lady from my answer to "That's when I knew it was over".
Gentlemen, If you're ever in Leeds, heed my advice. If you meet a woman who looks quite a bit like Emily Booth, with a habit of having neon blue streaks in her hair, beware.
This particular mental will ask you to cut her during sex. Will drunkenly tell you that she enjoyed being abused by her stepfather. Will phone you while you're at work to demand you travel to Manchester to pick her up "Or else I'll cheat on you".Will cheat on you anyway. Will pretend to be pregnant in the hope you'll stay. When you finally get the sense to dump her she'll stalk you relentlessly for months. If you're with someone else she'll make a ham-fisted attempt to stalk them too.
And if you move to the other end of the country, make sure you change your mobile, otherwise you'll still get drunken, sobbing "But I love you soooooooooooooo muuuuuch" calls at 3 in the morning until she finds some other hapless victim.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sat 18 Nov 2006, 2:49, Reply)

o SMEG
Well, you see, I was going to post a rant about a girl who asked me to marry her, so I asked her to marry me, and the relationship was only five months old, and three weeks later she dumped me and didn't give a reason why, apart from a text message saying 'you don't treat me well in public' and something about having 'become a different person' and having 'lost her sense of self', and mark my words I did get a bit upset about that, and her dad was great, but her mother was some kind of world-class retard who didn't want her to be in contact with her dad and who subjected her to all sorts of crap, and I was in love, and she was gorgeous, tall, Northern (if Swadlincote counts as Northern), fiercely intelligent, piercing eyes, curves in all the right places (ok, ok, stop sounding like Hugh sodding Hefner...)

But, if you start googling for your ex's name on the internet and send 1 lengthy message to Friends Reunited, not to mention about four to the COLLEGE PHILOSOPHY SOCIETY she's the secretary of up to 15 months after you broke up... if you send a text to her two months after you broke up saying 'I still love you unconditionally' after she said something to you about a cancer scare... well, after that it's more your OWN fault if someone says 'GO AWAY! GO AWAY NOW, MAN!!!'

Mind you, she did disguise herself as Bertrand Russell and then AOL.COM in an attempt to contact me in March. That's pretty weird. BERTRAND RUSSELL? A DEAD PHILOSOPHER?!

Pah.

I'm with someone I think is fantastic now, of course - although heaven knows how long that will last, given this whole new 'cynical approach to relationships' thing - but Mrs A, you were the first girl I went all weird over. Well, apart from following that librarian's daughter around when I was at school and didn't have a penis. And she kissed like a washing machine.

Well done, well done.
(sjflangehound, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 1:36, Reply)

Young lust
I must have a stalker instinct. I had mad crushes on a series of boys in my younger days and would follow them about whenever possible. I'd learn their football practice schedules and coincidentally run into them, or I'd work out the best way to come from my class so I'd meet them coming from theirs. But I think the best must have been when I eavesdropped around enough until I heard one boy telling his friend where he lived. I memorised the address, then looked it up on a map and saw that it was about twenty minutes' walk from my house. Every day after school I'd walk there and walk up and down his street, waiting to see if he'd come out. If he ever did, of course, I'd hide round the corner. One wonders what was the point of the exercise.
(echomikeromeo, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 1:30, Reply)

Dear Reader, I once was that nutter...
When I was around 14 I fell madly in love with a girl who I used to go to school with (Lets call her Sophie, for that is her name). I thought she was stunning, nice as pie and destined to be my future wife. Little things got in the way such as her long term boyfriend but I didn't let that phase me. Over a period of two years I steadily became more and more pathetic.

Some of the highlights of these two years include...

-Getting drunk every weekend and ring her just to confess her undying love and she began ignoring my calls.

-Making attempts to change classes just so I could be in a one with her and if I couldn't change i'd get my mates in her class to report back on what she'd said that lesson.

-Being obsessed with the song 'Just The Way I'm Feeling' by Feeder because she liked it.

-Deliberately crocking her boyfriend in a football match. I felt very guilty after my obsession died down as her boyfriend was really patient with me, even though I did hate his guts.

-Attempting to slash my wrists with a broken Brown Ale bottle because my best mate started going out with her. It only lasted a week because she was a frigid bitch.

-Crying myself to sleep on Christmas day because she'd told one of my mates she'd never, ever go out with me.

One evening she got very, very drunk and went one further than her usual forced rant about how much of a nice guy I was and how she would go out with me if it wasn't for any number of things. She began to cop off with me, quite openly infront of all our friends. I thought my luck had finally came in, two years of persistance had finally paid off. I'd moved out from being the sad bastard who longed after the girl to the suave bastard who got the girl.

How wrong I was.

All was going well until she borrowed my phone and snuck off. I followed her and over heard her confessing her love to not just one or her ex's but two. I was fucking fuming by this point and when she came back to get more Sutcliffe love I went completely off it with her, basically telling her to sort her life out. She ran off in a huff to one of her ex's who she just rang who told her the same thing.

I went to bed that night happy, my feelings for her had pretty much disappeared.

You know how I described her as being 'stunning and nice as pie'? Well, I was wrong. She had a really fucking odd shaped head, goggley eyes and nee tits what so ever. Also, she was the most needy, two faced bitch i've ever seen. I felt like an utter tit walking her to and from her house thinking 'Gosh, isn't she a cracking lass!?' when really she was just using me so she didn't get raped.

Now she's going out with an equally nutty lad, but one who's slightly better looking. He offered my hugely camp, openly gay mate out for a fight because he thought he was coming on to Sophie. He didn't believe everyone when they said he batted for the other team and was convinced it was a conspiricy. Ha, Moron.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 1:13, Reply)

The man next door
Not my lust, but the chap next door and worthy of inclusion. Myself and a few friends were sitting around having a smoke and being mellow when the flat door banged wide open and the neighbour strutted in wearing nothing but a tight leather jockstrap and waving a cat'o'nine tails. He stomped around the room flipping his whip and talking about the 'bitch I've got hanging from the ceiling, she fucking loves it'. Nobody else said a word, and after five minutes of us just staring at him prancing about, he went back home and we spent the next hour or so listening through the wall to her screams of pleasure.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 0:32, Reply)

Snot funny
Not beautiful, but quite cute & I'd had my eye on him for a while. Went out, had beer, had big snog. Then he started licking my nose. Then he stuck his tongue as far up my nose as it would go (not very far as my nose is tiny) and attempted to give it a thorough spring clean. I had a bit of a cold. He was clearly very excited by this. I was not, and refused to return the favour, at which point he told me I was selfish and needed to be tied up - with tinsel. Fortunately tinsel is not strong enough to hold me and I escaped.
(Turangalila, Sat 18 Nov 2006, 0:25, Reply)