Hello
We promise that we will use our own creative ideas and stop blatantly ripping things off here word for word.

Regards

The Writers at FHM
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 11:33, 4 replies)

Let the weapons inspectors in
and we wont bomb you to shit and open a McD's on your graves.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 11:22, 1 reply)

I promised myself I'd get laid this year.
... Looks like im going to be breaking that one.. Again!
(Miggyman, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 10:51, 5 replies)

We can coexist, i promise.
"Lets make a truce, if you pull your armies out of Indonesia i am totally not attacking you in Brazil. I promise. Absolutely! So help me God!"
(Robotnik, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 10:19, 1 reply)

I started quite young at breaking promises.
On my honour, I promise that I will do my best:

1.To do my duty to God and the Queen,(or God and my country;)
2.To help other people at all times;
3.To obey the Guide Law

What can I say, boys loved the uniform.
( girlinthehole, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 8:31, 2 replies)

I promise not to buy Catacylsm
Really hope I can keep that one!
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 7:46, 6 replies)

I once promised my other half
that I wouldn't think of other women, only her, when I yanked one out.

You can imagine how long that lasted. After a while I had to admit that it was like promising that I'd only read books and watch films about young men working shifts at Sainsbury's, writing essays, pissing about on the internet and occasionally doing light exercise.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 3:13, 1 reply)

"i'll call you"
*checks phone*

nope..........
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 23:40, 22 replies)

square face
when my sister had to have her wisdom teeth removed, i promised i wouldn't laugh when i saw her square, swollen face.
i laughed like a cunt.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 22:35, 5 replies)

A boyfriend once sneaked to my house on a freezing midnight and wrote I LOVE YOU 4 EVER in the frost on top of my car.
But in the morning the romantic words had melted away, like all that wicked man's promises.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 20:15, 9 replies)

I promised her she would get a backrub
when she was done performing an oral service on me.

I'm so sorry for falling asleep after, but you know how I get.
(Turtlenuts, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 19:36, 3 replies)

No funnies, but you know what you can put your lips around
1.) I am still attending addiction recovery classes and following the program;
2.) I have not engaged in those addictive activities for several months;
3.) I really feel like I've got this under control;
4.) This time it's going to stick, I know it;
5) My outlook on life is so much better.

Not all gloom and doom, much progress has been made, but I think of the Robbie Williams tune, "but when I lied, I lied for us, because you'd never hear the truth."
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 18:20, 5 replies)

At the end of high school...
...all of the students are given a wooden katana and released into a disco hall to fight it out.

That's what a bokken prom is.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 16:46, Reply)

A failed attempt to launch a ship into a stream that was much too small:
Brook, in, Prow misses.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 16:20, 2 replies)

These are shit.

(viciousal, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 16:12, 1 reply)

After my mother died...
.. a rather long time ago, my father ended up back on the dating scene. So many years of marriage had dulled his instincts and he ended up with someone who can only be described as a gold-digging whore of the Heather Mills school of gold-digging whoreishness.

To cut a long story short, her true history only really started coming to light after the wedding bells had stopped ringing. She had never worked a day in her life and been married six times before each one terminating with a very generous (to her) divorce settlement. She was a serial wife, verging on professional scam artist.

The inevitable divorce ensued. He made her an offer which, in the context of her past and their very short marriage, was very generous. She however, was determined to get in front of a judge, shed a few tears and rake in the cash, just as she had done many times before.

Then as luck would have it a friend alerted him to something else that was going on. One of her previous marriages had resulted in a child and she was currently involved in a custody dispute. The judge in that case was already particularly unimpressed with her behaviour and was considering granting custody to her ex-husband: details of her latest behaviour could be the straw that broke the camel's back. Well, since she was clearly not fighting fair, my dad decided a little blackmail was in order: accept his settlement or he would go to her ex-husband with information that would lose her the child.

She squirmed, screamed and threatened for a bit, before she finally realised she was defeated. She eventually relented and took the settlement.

I guess it was a case of him breaking his pro mrs.
(Mr T, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 15:19, 6 replies)

I told my boss I'd be five minutes late.
It looks like 8.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 14:35, Reply)

My teachers at high school swore to me
that the vegetarians in my year would not be offended at the end-of-year dance with meat in the dinner. I knew these teachers had reputations as practical jokers at such events, putting unexpected cuts of meat in unusual recipes but with so many dietary requirements I couldn't afford to take a chance so I made them cross their hearts and hope to die on the matter.

The starter and main course went off without a hitch, but the bastards were pissing themselves laughing as we bit into our frozen dairy desserts to find some foul tasting leathery meat inside. It turned out they'd found a dead badger and slipped it into the ice cream maker.

That was a brock in prom ice.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 14:04, 8 replies)

My old company included the strategy statement that...
We offer all our staff the opportunity to develop their careers in ways that meets their professional and personal needs. We are proud that the majority of our managers have long service, in many cases starting their careers at a junior level; their experience is a key strength of the Group.

It didn't stop them making me redundant from a management position with 11 years' experience, which didn't meet any of my personal or professional needs.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 13:35, Reply)

I promise not to....
bother making any suggestions about how my work place could raise revenue!

i'll just go out and do it myself!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I promise never to post directly after A Vagabond

( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 10:42, 5 replies)

I promise to be last.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 10:36, Reply)

So I won't.
(Beau Guest Everything in moderation. Especially moderation., Wed 8 Dec 2010, 10:30, 1 reply)

I promise not to repeat myself.
(Beau Guest Everything in moderation. Especially moderation., Wed 8 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

I promise not to repeat myself.
(Beau Guest Everything in moderation. Especially moderation., Wed 8 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

I promise not to repeat myself.
(Beau Guest Everything in moderation. Especially moderation., Wed 8 Dec 2010, 10:29, Reply)

As an alternative - i do Promise
to punch Jude Law as hard as humanly possible for his latest aftershave advert.

What a cock.

It goes something like this.

Female voice over: 'How will i know it's you....?'
Cock: (in vaguely cockney cock accent) 'Oh, you'll know when i'm there.' (with added accent on 'i'm')

Cockety cock.

I hate that type of shitty advert anyway - but Law's took the biscuit this year.

Cock
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 8:02, 6 replies)

one of my siblings breeds rodents.....
and has won quite a few awards; it's my bro Ken's pro mices.........


*groan*
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 7:34, Reply)

Sure I will
I promised my nephew that I'd buy him a marmoset for his birthday.
I must have misunderstood.
He was not pleased with his jar of Tesco Value Marmoset, and its jammy, orangey goodness.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 7:29, Reply)

"I'll keep in touch"
Not one of my strong points unfortunately.

There's no specific story to go with it but I'm sure it gets a nod here and there.

Similarly, "We'll be *friends* still" during a break-up: with the best will in the world how easily it can still turn into a broken promise. With laziness like mine, more like inevitable...
(Shouting and throwing things is probably far more constructive - clean break and all that)
( Cloudane, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 1:18, Reply)