skive, yet still be the most productive member of staff they have...
erm, i was meant to be on the weekend shift...

i arrived yesterday 15 mins late (noone's in to notice at the weekend) and did some work for a bit. after a while i started to lag as i was tired, so i had a kip for an hour, then carried on as i felt better for it.

by hometime, i realised that even with buying sweets and fizzy pop from the vending machine and browsing ebay, i had still managed to do all of the work for the two days and a little more.

so i did a little dance because i didn't have to go in today and video'd it with my mobile phone...


(professor honky straight fonky, Sun 1 May 2005, 16:49, Reply)

Skiving
Boring job, scummy location, most of the staff out a lot of the day on site visits. Best way of skiving I found was to embark on a series of sympathy shags with some fat, hopeless cunt I work with.

Was awful. For almost a year he has spent all his time either groping me in desperately unsubtle ways in meetings or having awful, devaluing sex which barely lasts longer than 15 minutes.

I hate my life, but it beats doing my crap job.
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 11:06, Reply)

The warehouse zoo
Unfortunately, I'm a retail monkey; I don't mind because with managers like mine I can get away with anything. To pass the the time I dissapear into the back warehouse (no secruity cameras or heating, no one looks there). Recently I've discovered that pallet-wrap is great for making things; the warehouse is now filled with little animals.

I call my latest creation "Darth Penguin"



He even has his own little light-saber.
(Herr Dimitri For Truth, Justice and Fluffeh Tiem!, Mon 2 May 2005, 11:59, Reply)

Last night ...
I woke myself up laughing.

I was dreaming of b3ta.

It's started to make me skive off sleep.
(00, Mon 2 May 2005, 14:49, Reply)

Me, Skive, NEVER!
They really, really, really should give you free internet at work. Really.

*deep breath* (cue singing voices all)
(my favourite things)

porno and messageboards
both b3ta and fark,
messenger and emails,
flash sites are a lark.
making photoshops of a political dork.
these are the ways that I skive off at work.

when the net's down,
when the server's gone.
when i have no access.
i simply remember they're paying me to skive
and then i don't feeeeeeeel so bad!
(i enjoy licking 9V batteries, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 0:00, Reply)

CV fun
Temping in a dodgy-as-hell recruitment office donkeys years ago... putting CVs of crazy foreigners on a database for crappy money wasn't any fun, so I used to entertain myself with their "interests and hobbies" sections. You like country walks and classical music? No you don't! You like kiddy porn and pleasuring yourself with fruit.

Far as I know they never proof read them before sending them on to companies.

Elle x
(_elle_, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 20:02, Reply)

myself and another lurking b3tan...
used to work together where the unofficial motto was "if the shop's clean at the end of the day, and the customers aren't wildly unhappy, then do exactly what you like."
The main objective in the morning was to avoid being used as a till monkey- if successful, you were immediately promoted to customer service... and customer service = the best job in the entire world!
We used to set traps for each other involving sellotape trip wires, or sit in the stockroom having Nintendo championships... or type obscenities into the book ordering service and chuckle at the results.
My specialty was scattering security tags sticky-side-up all over the floors, then watch and snigger while customers protested their innocence, never thinking to check their shoes...
There was also the truly memorable day when I went to the staffroom only to find that he had built a fort out of boxes of stationery, and was busy defending it from "the enemy". It was like a Saturday club which you got paid for attending. Amazing. Their profits seem to have recovered since we both went to uni... but I don't think there's anything in it. :)
(griffster, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 9:37, Reply)

Porn
Part of my job is to write our content filtering software.

So to know its working you have to test it against loads of porn sites and you have to view the sites unfiltered first to make sure they are genuine porn. Its amazing how long you need to do this.
(loquis, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 17:39, Reply)

It got to the point where I was doing so little work
that one day, my boss came over and by a million to one chance, I was actually doing some work but force-of-habit made me ALT-TAB so I was proudly displaying a picture of some big tittied women (I think it was that spoof women guerilla fighters picture that did the rounds) on my screen while he stood there awkwardly talking to me about some report or other.

It was only when he had finished talking to me and walked off that I went to alt-tab back and realised what I had done.
Oh how I laughed.

Big Issue anyone?
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 12:23, Reply)

When I worked at the East Midlands Airport restaurant
'emptying the bins' was a three hour operation, which involved seven of us taking turns to do handbrake turns and wheel spins in the restaurant's transit van down a runway service road.

The actual placing of the bin bag into the skip was then carried out with great ceremony and reverence.
( MartinH, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 17:26, Reply)

Choose the black screen screensaver,
put it on a four-hour delay, leave some bits of paper on your desk, and go home at lunchtime.
( teedyay, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 16:49, Reply)

More teachers
In sixth form we had after school lessons twice a week. One of which (Physics) was done on a Friday . Obviously, due to me discovering alcyhol (and the Marine Inn being about 40 steps from the outside of the school) meant that we judged the best time to go (late enough to avoid the normal kids going home, as they would all try and get served and refused, early enough so we can get drunk). We found that time to be 20 to 4.

As such, this teacher was always late for his lesson. Sure enough, we managed to change the clock to add 10 minutes each time.

It became a habit, we managed to change his watch too, with it still on his wrist.

He found out usually, but we paid him back big.

He was brilliant at velodrome cycling, and to qualify for the olympic trials, you need 5 people to time you racing around a circuit, for 5 distances, and take an average. He chose 5 of our class to do it. We kinda fiddled the result by changing the time so that it was below the qualifying time.

As a driect result from that, last summer, he became the oldest member of the British Cycling team in the Athens Olympics.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Mon 2 May 2005, 10:39, Reply)

When really tired
Close your door, pour paperclips on the floor next to it, and then lie down for a nap. Not only will it look like you're doing something, you'll also get an apology for getting hit by the door!
( bloobloo, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 11:18, Reply)

Being a priest.......
......means that while I'm working I can simply close my eyes and skive. If anyone asks me what I'm doing I always tell them that I'm praying :)

What's even funnier is that I don't actually believe in God!
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:06, Reply)

The Working Day of a Freelance Illustrator
8:30 - Alarm goes off. Press snooze to gain a few more minutes, as there's no point getting up yet, as housemates are using bathroom to prepare for their (proper) jobs.
8:35 - As above.
8:40 - As above, and repeat until approximately...
11:20 - Depending on time I climbed into bed/hangover, either a shower or read a bit in bed, then shower.
Midday - Late breakfast, fire up 'puter and check e-mails and various websites.
13:00 - Enough time has now passed since I first checked e-mails, so return to beginning of midday process. This continues at a quicker pace as I realise I have read the entire interweb at least twice already today.
14:30 - Boredom/hunger drive me from my room to the kitchen, where a lavish sandwich is prepared. This signals the start of my lunch 'hour'
16:30 - Lament the lack of new information on various websites. Lunch finishes. Feel guilty about low productivity, but this soon evaporates as Housemate #1 returns home from his job. X-box.
17:00 - Total up how much work I have to do tomorrow to catch up...vaguely panic. More X-box to ease the worries away.
17:30 - Decide to do a bit of work. But first must check e-mails for that important one that may be there.
17:45 - Housemate #2 has arrived home by now, signalling Beer o'clock.
18:00 - Working day ends.

All of this is accompanied by a soundtrack of various artists (the pain-staking selection process for which tracks to play can take up to 20 minutes) and frequent wank-breaks.
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 15:08, Reply)

Paid For Drinking
In the late 90's I was working as an IT contractor for a large insurance company in a North West city that shall remain nameless in case they see this post. At the time, I was very, very well paid, £75 an hour in fact.

The network manager, a mental dwarf Scouser called John was responsible for signing off my timesheets and also had a drinking problem - he couldn't get enough of the stuff. Roughly three time a week I'd be slaving away at my terminal sorting out their crappy network when my phone would ring.

"Cisco meeting, 5 minutes" John would growl down the phone.

That was my cue to pack my gear up and head for the Black Horse. John would meet me their a few minutes later and the drinking would start. Over the next few hours various cronies of Johns would arrive and we'd start drinking our way across town until closing time or until the last person fell over whichever came first.

The deal was that I'd buy all of the beer, all night for John and his friends and John would sign my time-sheets as overtime. So I was frequently logging 20 hour days at £75 an hour and making a fortune. It's impossible to drink £75 an hour all night even with a few hangers on so I was making a fucking fortune.

I eventually had to give the job up as my liver (clue there) was in severe danger of permanent damage. Drinking 12 hours a day and getting up after three hours sleep to work does you no good after a while.

That job was one of the main reasons why
I remain, as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 14:08, Reply)

No one knocks on MY office door anymore....
I find that stapling my cock to my desk not only allows me to take half a day off to visit the hospital, but also raises serious doubts over my mental health. Oh well, another half day, another hole in my cock. Only the one draw back. I have to hold my cock like a recorder to piss, though this does go a long way to explain why I spend the whole morning in the toilet, cus I can’t play the recorder.But I have all afternoon to practice.
(Jeeves, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 10:00, Reply)

I don't have to skive;
I'm a teacher.

Apologies for grammar and punctuation, but, I'm a teacher
(etchi, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 0:39, Reply)

Slacking Off In Maths
I hated maths in school, but i loved gameboy. So I constructed a contraption to attach to my gameboy that would desgise it as a calculator. The device was the front of an old calculator attaced to the top of the game boy with a simple hinge, so i could sit at the back of the room playing gameboy and when the teacher approached flip down the cover and pretend to be doing sums. It took me almost an entire term to finished wario land 2.
(Hello Coco?, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 18:01, Reply)

Memories
When I was sweet 16 I had a Saturday job in Boots baby department. I usually had a hangover on a Saturday, and had usually had about 3 hours kip. I used to go straight to the pharmacy and get 2 Nurofen when I arrived, then spend the rest of the day doing as little as possible. We used to have one of those old fashioned lifts where you had to manually slide the doors shut. I discovered that if you opened them when the lift was between floors, it stopped the lift in a sort of no-mans land between the sales floor and the stockroom. I spent many a happy hour in there lying on the floor having a snooze and recovering, with a packet of Pampers as a pillow.
(Mad McMad, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 14:34, Reply)

i am
curantly in an ict lesson at school and hoping the teacher doesnt see me on teh interweb.
it is almost impossible to be not spotted so i devised a cunning plan to stop anyone from paying attention to me.
i throw a werthers original wrapper into the printer on the other side of the room and while everyones trying to fix the "paper jam" i am happily searching the interweb for a new hat.
( DR Mexico Hunt, Hunt, Hunt, He's The Huntsman!!, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 9:51, Reply)

Old biddies
I used to be a doctor. When I couldn't be bothered diagnosing the annoying old biddies that came to my surgery, I simply administered them excessive doses of diamorphine. I was doing this for decades until some meddling crematorium worker got suspicious.

I'm dead now. That's the biggest skive of all.
(McFlooble, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 22:17, Reply)

Haha...err...oh...hmmm...no
i often take little involuntary naps while i'm working because i don't get enough sleep at night (interweb,CSS,RTW etc..).

This wouldn't be too bad, but i'm a courier driver in the day.

i'd put a "Toot if i'm asleep!" bumper sticker on my van, but i don't think the police, my boss, the people i've just driven into etc..would find it funny.

i laugh...ahaha...but really, this is a BAD thing.
(MisterLizard they'll say you did it, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 1:08, Reply)

there was the time...
I was meant to be working on the Potters bar signal system but didn't turn up...
( dakster, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 16:11, Reply)

A friend of mine...
...and another chap who I quite intensely dislike used to have maths lessons together, taught by an exceedingly fit teacher. They would sit next to each other, either side of an aisle, and alternately ask the teacher questions. While one was being talked to, the other got to stare at her arse, and the talk-toer got to look down her top when she bent over to show him how to do it. They would repeat this for whole lessons at a time, and became heroes for their commitment to the cause of skiving, as their actions allowed the entire class to doss.
(youthink, Sun 1 May 2005, 19:21, Reply)

There's only one answer ...
And we're all doing it. Right now.
(00, Sun 1 May 2005, 15:45, Reply)

i am a man and i enjoy skiving
but it gets me in trouble.

i surf t'interweb for at least 6 hours a day. one day i came across the website of one of our coporate partners - for some strange reason, they'd decided on using a wiki for their site. now, for someone who surfs about all day, i know fuck all cubed about computers, and even less about wikis.

so out of frustration and confusion (and a bit of spite) i changed all their text, links, and banners to read "wanky wank"

needless to say they complained and i got a bollocking.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 10:23, Reply)

The
best way to skive off work is to go into a store room at work, empty a tin of pencils on the floor, and now go to sleep with your foot jammed against the door. now when boss comes along to get you to work, the door hits yer foot waking you up and you just shout "hang on, i'm just picking these pencils up" brilliant! no one's any the wiser :)
( 4-0, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 2:39, Reply)

I skived on my first ever job
Waaaaay back when I was 16, I got a temp job in the summer between school and college. This job, paying the glorious wage of £2.50 an hour, involved being sent to the St. Ivel factory in Chichester at 8:00 in the morning with a gaggle of other unfortunate schmucks, there to pack yoghurts and perform other equally mind-fuckingly dull tasks.

It didn't take me and my mate very long to notice that the St. Ivel people always hired more agency staff than they had need for; hence about 4 or 5 people at a time would be issued with a brush or mop and told to "clean up around the place".

Pretty soon, we realised that due to this surplus, we could just clock in when we arrived and then walk straight out the gate again - returning at 3:55 to join the line of people clocking out.

We pulled this scam for the whole summer, and the dozy bastards never cottoned on. Such was my introduction to the world of employment....
(codeine, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 20:19, Reply)

I go to a fancy school
where we all have to have laptops with us the whole time. This as well as making it easier with textbooks and stuff provides plenty of opportunitys for playing games and skiving in class. We have one teacher that roams the desks checking people are doing their work. So we'd take in turns to go up to the front of the class and ask difficult questions that kept the teacher talking long enough that we could all have ten minuets or so playing games. Once that question was answered someone else would go up and ask. It was quite well organised, we had a roster and a list of questions to ask the differant teachers.
( Box of Rabbits, Sun 1 May 2005, 9:25, Reply)