Bad Boy Barry
Myself and mrs JB stayed in a guest house on he Isle of Wight the day after Barry Cryer had recieved a bollocking the day before for smoking in the very same room.

That and walking past David Steele at the Doune motor museum about 25 years ago.
Or, walking along behind Richard Herring on the way to a show, sticking my empty beer bottle down on Jim Carter's table (he of downtown abbey) in the interval at Equus (just before Daniel Radcliffe got his cock out on stage) then brushing past Imelda Staunton...

Oh, and having a chat post show with Mark Thomas about how both of our dads were similarly arseholes for the same reasons (though his was more extreme than mine).

And kym marsh was in the year below me at school...

JB.
(Mr Joe Bangles, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Double Whammy!!
I was on a rare visit to London from Up North and was walking up (down?) the Strand. As I overtook what I took to be a low-rent blonde hooker I gave her a sideways glance and realised it was Barbara Windsor! (She wasn't doing business though.)

Wow, I thought, London is just full of famous people! The next day I left my hotel (or flophouse) and got on what I believe is called the Tube. This kid in school uniform gets on, obviously making his way to school and it's only Zammo from Grange Hill! I never knew it was a real school!
(fergus the bogeyman Beware of geeks bearing gifs!, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 9:57, Reply)

I once held a door open for Sven-Goran Eriksson
Didn't get time to ask him for tips on seduction.
(rogerzilla, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 7:56, 2 replies)

mind control
I was at uni the same time as Derren Brown. I'm pretty sure I never met him. But I have this nagging doubt that maybe I did, and that he hypnotised me, and made me forget it.

As a result, I have never gone to see any of his shows in person. It's too risky. He might use a trigger word, and snap me back into a trance like state. Even watching him on TV or Youtube worries me, just in case he's slipped in something subliminal.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 6:37, 2 replies)

When I anchor my yacht off Antibes, sometimes I'll invite to join me chris and gwyneth, ryan giggs, inspector morse, the late oliver reed, the fit girl from yes insurance, and robson green
we have after eights and cristal champagne and crystal mineral water and prawn cocktails and everyone gets a half avocado. we talk about politics and economics and look at ourselves in OK magazines which are complimentary
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 4:26, 2 replies)

Who's is better?
My friend once spotted the singer Ian Brown on a plane. Ian had been on Top of the Pops earlier that month singing "My Star" and one of his band was playing a box of eggs instead of a keyboard, proceeding to crack a couple during the performance. My friend didn't understand the significance of eggs to the song (they also appear in the video I'm told) so he went up to Ian, told him he was a big fan then asked him "what was all that about on Top of the Pops with the eggs Ian?". Apparently Ian coolly replied "Eggs is eggs man". Not a hilarious punchline to story but it has become a saying between us and most people we know ever since and has proven to lift a mans spirits in times of despair.

But I myself once spotted a major star in the form of the former Children's BBC "Broom Cupboard" presenter, Andy Crane in my local Frankie & Bennys where I was eating with my family. I had really liked him in the 80's as I was the right age and my name is also Andy. Anyway, later in the evening I went to the toilet, stood at one of 2 urinals. I am always pleased when the gents is empty as my bladder is a bit slower than other blokes and it can all get a bit embarrassing. After a minute or two of failing to urinate, Andy Crane came and stood next to me. This made me more nervous and the "old chap" decided to stop trying to have a pee completely. Just at that moment Andy Crane began to pee in what seemed like a bombastic and cocky manner and before I could stop myself, I involuntarily looked down at "him". I looked back up to find Andy Crane, inches away from me, with his cock out and pissing like the Niagra falls just staring right at my face. Without expelling a drop, I zipped up and left.

A few years later I bravely tweeted Andy Crane about the incident to which he replied calling me a "creepy weirdo".

I think my story's better than the Ian Brown one.
(frankiepigeonthethird, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 0:59, Reply)

I was lucky enough
to meet Morecambe and Wise once. We came home with the script from the show, the one where they unveiled a statue of Ernie. It was a big rainbow coloured pad of paper, nice and thick, with a silver pin in one corner.
We used the back of every page for drawing shit pictures with shit crayons. Then threw it away.
On the plus side I also met Lena Zavaroni.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 0:38, Reply)

Peaches Geldof
...or was it the other one?

She was about 8, I was a dogsbody in the kitchen at her posh school in Battersea.

I sent her back to the swill bin, hopefully to scrape her plate PROPERLY this time.

So how she turned out is all my fault. Sorrrreeee!!
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sat 7 Dec 2013, 0:01, 1 reply)

Next week
In the meantime -

Gay
Cunt
Gay Cunt
Enormous poof
Dull
Australian
etc. etc.

G'night
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 23:41, 3 replies)

Royalty
In the mid eighties I used to work for lord and lady Spencer (he was lovely and well respected, she was a c**t and I spat in her soup) Never got to meet Diana but spoke to her on the phone once, I assumed by her tone of voice that I had irritated her. I also slept in her bed with a chambermaid :)
(mrb36, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 23:18, 2 replies)

Time to gay it up. I met Peter Tatchell and it was a truly wonderful experince. Given that
Nelson Mandela died and he was the symbol of getting rid of apartheid in South Africa, apartheid being legal but immoral. The question has to be asked, how long will gay people have to be second and third class citizens of the world. No taxation without representation is an old mantra but gay people in 99% of the world have no legal rights in comparison to heterosexual people. It is a disgrace. Immoral legislation destroys the lives of gay people in a similar way to apartheid. And no it is not lost on me that African nations have possibly the most abominable laws against LBGT people but at the end of the day Africans are [insert racist dogma]. Thank you and fuck you.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 23:12, 14 replies)

I was lucky enough
to interview Lemmy once. In the piano bar at the Dorchester. Where he was obviously slumming it. He was absolutely charming and full of stories, and happy to prattle on as much as we liked. He wrote an autograph on the menu to mini-me which he still has. I also kissed his mole by mistake as I was leaving.
I also once got stuck in a lift with Modern Romance, which although the lift thing is my worst nightmare, the smell of after shave and hairspray and being in close proximity to OH MY GOD POP STARS was the best thing that ever happened to me (at the time) The following night I slept in the same bed as Paul Young. He had departed the night before, luckily for him as I was only 10 at the time.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 22:46, 4 replies)

Stage Sets
I used to build and install stage sets, in the eighties and met, among others Freddie Mercury (utter wanker) Cliff Richard (quite an unpleasant chap) and John Pertwee, who joined us in the canteen for a bacon sandwich, and was brilliant
(lordy lordy, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 21:27, Reply)

Two stand out in the memory
First is throwing a fat friend at Oasis when they played at the Army and Navy in Chelmsford proving they were as hard as butter, second is proving that Kate Moss is a total tramp out a certain establishment in Dover Street.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 21:26, 1 reply)

I went to school with Kate Moss's current husband
Clever bloke, very quick wit, pain in the arse for all the teachers. Had a severe Paul Weller fixation.

Once led a chorus of Edwin Starr's "War" in French class because the teacher was called Mrs Waugh. Laugh? We nearly got detention.
(rogerzilla, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 20:46, Reply)

The future Mrs Hewhowalks
On a weekend away in Brighton late summer 1999, girlfriend and I were sitting in a low key restaurant in said town when she suddenly spies Mark and Ricky from EastEnders at a nearby table. The lady is a bit of an EastEnders addict and the next 10 minutes were spent discussing a strategy whereby she could engage in conversation. Her eventual response? Walked over, pulled up a chair from another table, sat herself down between them and decided to grill Mark over weaknesses in plot lines from Grange Hill. Amazingly, she didn't get brushed off straight away ended up chatting away for nearly an hour. But she has got massive tits, and it seems Mr. McCarthy was a bit of a fan of the same.
(hewhowalks -log10 [H+], Fri 6 Dec 2013, 19:56, 13 replies)

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith
saw him in the airport club here the morning after a concert. He looked completely fried...they opened up the bar for him at 10 am. He's a little tiny guy...
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 19:48, 1 reply)

In a busy bar I bumped into some famous guy who was wanted in twelve systems lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 19:25, 1 reply)

Walking through Soho once
a big car pulled up, the door opened and Peter Stringfellow got out. He waved and smiled at the few people glancing in his direction (who were probably thinking 'oh that's that creepy old bloke' like I was). Until a guy over the road shouted WANKAAAAA! really loudly.
( spesh., Fri 6 Dec 2013, 19:24, Reply)

I have met and spoken to...
Billy Connelly (Very friendly person), Sue Lawley (lovely), Leonard Rossiter (arsehole), Felicity Kendal (I love her in a sexy way), Jim Cronin (monkey world) nice chap.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 19:24, 2 replies)

I saw a celebrity once, but at the time I couldn't remember their name.
And I was really drunk so I now have no recollection of their face either. I'm pretty sure they were in that thing with the guy out of that soap, but I never watched it so I can't be sure.

I have a feeling it wasn't actually them anyway.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 19:19, 3 replies)

Camera opportunity


I was squandering money at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas in 2008 when I stumbled across a mob of hundreds of photographers. Celebrities! Squee! Trouble was, I didn't know who any of them were, and had to pester people for them to explain what they considered obvious. (Robin Antin, choreographer of the Pussycat Dolls, and Kim Kardashian).
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 18:41, 1 reply)

When I was 12 or thereabouts
I found myself in Söll (Austria) on a family skiing trip, 9-pin bowling in the lane next to Billy from London's Burning and his bird who was from some other show I didn't watch, maybe Brookside. After some time I eventually recognised that it was Billy from London's Burning, helped by the fact that I watched it most weeks, but my mother had to explain that the bird was some TV face as I had never seen her before due to my manly hatred of soap operas.

The whole thing struck me as mildly amusing yet completely inconsequential and it did not improve my bowling.
(squigbobble existed, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 18:35, Reply)

in your face Jason Priestly from Beverley Hills 90210
I was working with Jason Priestly from Beverley Hills 90210. I went out for a drink with him and my boss as well. It was going well until I chugged a big glug from my bottle of beck's and unfortunately someone said something funny. Leading to a shower of spit and lager shooting out my gob and soaking the Priestmeister in the face.
(breadandbutter, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 18:06, Reply)

I wanked off Shep.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 6 Dec 2013, 17:53, Reply)

I employed Patrick Allen as a voice over artist on a training filum i was making about how to fix photocopiers
His pay was inside the budget and it amused me to have the voice of "protect and survive" explaining the importance of setting a paper feed clutch correctly.

He was very good, and didn't get too upset about hving to decipher my typos and shit english.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 6 Dec 2013, 17:52, Reply)

I was passed in Kingly St, Soho by Johnny Depp the other week
I was torn between respectfully keeping my distance and going up to him, energetically shaking his hand and thanking him for looking *just* enough like me to have been very useful in my younger days.

As I didn't want him to think I was a complete weirdo, I went for the former.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 16:11, 12 replies)

Obviously i can't tell you who they were or what happened
but suffice to say that the story is hilarious and also makes me appear worldly, witty, yet aloof.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 16:07, 8 replies)

Martha Lane Fox, Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho
It was a long Friday afternoon. I had three customer reports to finish and send out by the end of the day, and they were proving a struggle to complete.

As things would have it, the nation’s favourite technology czar, Martha Lane Fox, had called into my company for the day. She was collecting statistics for whatever her latest government programme was. To be honest, it sounded as boring as my job and she surely felt as under-employed in her role as I did in mine.

Well, as time was dragging by, she dropped by my desk. The office was deserted due to an earlier fire alarm, and there was only us.

“Hey Chut”

Shes aging a bit from the fresh faced posh totty of the nineties dotcom boom, but shes still got it in a distinguished mature way. I immediately gave her my most helpful smile.

“I need some… staples. Can you show me where they are?”

“Sure Martha, just this way”

So I lead her into our surprisingly spacious stationery cupboard.
She sidled in close to me as I reached up to the top shelf. I could feel her sweet breath in my ear.

“Christ, I’m bored of this life Chut. I’m 40 now, did you know that? Never married. No kids. I was the poster child of the dotcom boom. I could do anything. Then it all went tits up, and ever since the only job I’ve been able to do is to show old biddies how to use a mouse. They still shower me with plaudits, but what was it all really for? I’m bored in this gilded cage. “

She moved in close. Oh, she smelt good. Her hands weren’t reaching for the staples anymore.

“You’re like me. You could have done so much. But although you’ve got a way with the customers, all you are made to do is complete spreadsheets. Sometimes… I like to live dangerously.”

And then she was entwined around me. I tried to resist, but then gave in to her warm probing tongue. At first it was gentle, and then we made our embrace tighter.

And before I knew it, after a flurry of undressing, I had the Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho impaled on the end of my cock. She held around my hips and hissed into my ear :”Yess…”

We ground up the pace. She was becoming moister. The rolls of prit-stick started to fall over and roll off their shelves.

“Oh Chut, oh Chut, oh Chut…”

She powered up and down her impalement like a well oiled machine. The feel of her older flesh was magical. Her glorious blond hair flowed freely like the balls of postal twine that were being banged around their shelves.

“Oh Martha! Oh Martha!” I yelled as I neared my final release of digital inclusion.

And… well, I can dream. It’s a slow Friday afternoon, and these customer reports aren’t going to write themselves.
(chutneyweasel, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 16:03, 3 replies)

Battleaxe - from Gladiators
was in the same German class as me.
(hadr0n Craic whore, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 15:59, 2 replies)