I work in a kitchen
Its not the place to arse about because theres too many sharp and pointy things and these tend to kill and maim if you fuck about too much. Having said that though, theres always time in the day to fill an almost empty washing up bottle to the brim with warm water and shoot the squirty bottle in a spluffy jet over someone on the other side of the kitchen while screaming "jizz attack". Passes the time.
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:17, Reply)

My most popular childish thing
Is when someone sneezes I look at them with absolute disgust and say in my meanest, harshest voice: "You dirty fucker!"

Works best with children and nuns.
(Jelly God, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Yawn rape!
The woman who wants to be the next Mrs 3in7 is adept at the yawn rape, catching me out at least three or four times a week.

Having put up with it for 9 months now I managed to exact my revenge this morning. As she yawned her way through a cup of tea I approached from behind my finger coated with a thick layer of butter and Marmite!

I don't think she's going to try again !!
(Biff..., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:14, 6 replies)

Day out at Silverstone...
Take 2 idiots (that'd be me and my mate Liam), add alcohol, weed and mix up with a lot of sunshine.

Then wander into the shop to re-arrange the bears thus:



The bonus was the look on the woman's face when she saw it...never noticed when I took the pic.
( snee held his breath since, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:05, 4 replies)

Was looking for another pic, but found this one:

( snee held his breath since, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 10:50, 2 replies)

My job involves a ot of working for a particular low price airline
As such, I fly quite a bit with them and have got to know some of the flight crew pretty well.

As 'duty passenger' I have to wait until everyone has checked in to see if there's a seat for me - if not, I sit on the jump seats with the crew.

And so it was, regular trolley dollie on the flight, so with a big grin, I grabbed her hand as she walked down the plane and saying over and over "airplane! airplane!"

Course, she did slap me once we'd reached the back...but I was too busy giggling to myself to notice.

Oh, I'm 41...
( snee held his breath since, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 10:32, Reply)

I took over a man's life.
I work in one of those irritating workplaces with a strong culture of banter and pranks. One chap in particular is particularly good at "e-mail rape" (sending e-mails from other people's computers) and the like, and was ripe for a fall for some time.

After a particularly boozy night out paid for by our pals in the media, said chap confessed to me in the lift at 9am that he had no memory of the previous night from about 9pm onwards.

And so it began. And not only did I behave childishly, so did a number of really quite senior and otherwise mature people from a wide number of ad agencies.

Chap started receiving angry and/or concerned e-mails about "his behaviour" the previous night, starting off gently, but as we got more carried away and the conspiracy spread, increasingly outlandish, sexual and violent in nature. - obviously all "blind copied" to an increasingly large and varied group.

Nobody was really in charge of this mass event, so nobody really stopped it, until about 5pm, by which time he was white as a sheet, and genuinely trying to decide which industry to depart to, as he was clearly toast in ours.

I slowly explained, steeling myself for a punch, but the poor chap was just so relieved he actually hugged me, despite my confession that I was the original instigator. Top man.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 10:29, Reply)

James Bond
I still press random buttons in my car (that im not sure what they do) and imagine theyre letting out razer sharp tacks/slippy oil out of my license plate, or a missle rack is coming out of my sunroof when i open it.

Commented on another post that i use my handbrake release button as a "rocket launcher" for twunting fucknuts that cut me up.

Until recently I used a little red button under the steering column to activate my "underwater mode" (bonds lotus esprit from spy who loved me) until i discovered it was actually turning on my rear fog lights (jap import you see). feel sorry for the poor people stuck behind me in traffic at night seeing my red light flashing like a tuppeny whore :-D
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 10:28, Reply)

I've always wondered...
...if people really do leave hospital samples on the bus, and what happens to them.

So, by way of a non-verifiable experiment, I wazzed into an empty whisky bottle and oh-so-accidentally left in on the number 17 bus from Reading Town Centre to Tilehurst.

I like to think it found an appreciative new home.

"Hey! It's half a bottle of whisky! Me luck's in!"

"Go on - give it a taste."

*pulls a face like licking Jade Goody's diseased old clart*

"Fuckin' hell - tastes like piss."

"You'll be needing some ginger ale with that, then."
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:54, 2 replies)

On Detachment, pt2
How did I forget this?

One of the joys of being in a foreign country is that their first language is often something other than English. Obviously in places like China, this leads to such hilarious names as "Wan Ke Long Supermarket" (thanks for spotting that, Ms Crow), but I find it all the more funny when the country is a Western European one, where the languages are less far removed from one another.

So, around Basel, I felt the need, nay, the duty, to photograph the following:
An enormous department store with "PFISTER" emblazoned across the front
A butcher's called "KUHN." (Read aloud if unsure _{and marvel at the looks of disgust from colleagues who now think you're racist})
An electrical shop called "BONER-ELEKTROHAUS"

I also felt the need to get photographic evidence of the novelty condom shop called "Condomeria."

Oh, and we're not alone in this respect. After years of British tourists going to France to have their photo taken next to the sign outside the village of Condom, the French now get to giggle at:
Our food packaging, which proudly boasts "No Artificial Colours or Preservatives"
(Un preservatif = A condom)
A chain of Italian restaurants on our high streets, called "Zizzi"
(Un zizzi = A todger)

More to come if I can think of them (or find anything similarly immature on my camera)
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:37, 7 replies)

Who is that caped superhero?
Unloading the car I had to juggle with all the crap in the boot; coats, buggy, bags and whatever else my wife decided was essential for a weekend trip.
For maximum efficiency and old times sake I hung a coat off of my head by its hood.
( Weejock, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:31, Reply)

I was 15 at the time, surely an adult at that age....
Anyway, at school in biology. We were learning about the respiratory system and the days lesson involved sheep's lungs.

We were paired off and the aim was that each of us was to place a piece of gauze over the wind pipe and blow to inflate the lungs.

My partners turn, and he's forgotten to put the gauze over the wind pipe as he blows, well it was too good an opportunity to miss, I squeezed the lungs rather sharply. Half a gallon of cold sheep mucus hit the back of my friends throat. I still laugh to this day as I remember the choking and dry gagging.

Sorry James :-)
(Keezer1977, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:22, Reply)

My son was an hour late to bed last night
because I was we were busy constructing the mother of all Thomas the Tank Engine train tracks. This one was epic - all the way around the edge of the room and under the bed with two bridges, two level crossings and a turntable. Then we set Thomas chugging along with a mighty six carriages (including Annie and Clarabel, natch).

Can't wait til he's old enough for Scalextric.
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 8:45, 4 replies)

I've got a bottle in the lab
which I fill up with deionised water from the purification system.

It's got a label on it saying 'DI Water'.

Underneath which I've scribbled 'Sun Hill CID'.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 8:31, 1 reply)

That answer was good, but this one is better...
I can't keep my thoughts to my self, often having very public hissy fits. Most people think I'm a big mouthed cunt. I recently stormed the stage at at an awards show to interrupt a young pop stars acceptance speech, all because my favourite female artist didn't win The Best Video! I showed them!

Love,

Kanye.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 8:30, Reply)

I know I got this from here somewhere...
When driving and you spot some cows...
"Look! a flock of cows..."
"Herd of cows." someone will usually correct.
"Heard of cows? course I've heard of cows - look! there's a flock of them over there..."
Then giggle for the next mile or so...
( snee held his breath since, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 8:24, 8 replies)

yet another childish thing
ocasionally i recieve a media message on my phone of a monsterous burp, so i return with a recorded fart


i love my childish mates, it brightens my day
(skut_monkey, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 7:52, Reply)

This QOTW is obviously affecting me
Last night we had sausage and mash for tea and I couldn't help serving it up "Beano" style, with the sossies stuck in the mash.

Wife thinks I'm mad.....
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 6:59, 6 replies)

On long car journeys ...
Hubby and I play I spy.

H: "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with G."
Me: "Grass"
H: "Yep, your go."
Me: "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with G."
H: "Grass"
Me: "Yep, your go."

Rinse and repeat for about 8 hours or about 900km, whichever comes first. I especially like seeing our kids despairing faces in the rearview mirror.
(Que?, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 6:53, 2 replies)

I often ...
answer a ringing phone, mine or someone else's, burp and then hang up.
(Que?, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 6:23, Reply)

Just a few menial things really
Childish things i've done within the past 6 months.
- Find bodily noises funny
- Burping and belching words/phrases/song lyrics (much to my gf's disgust)
- Occasionally miming words to my housemate when he thinks his implant battery is dying.
- Keep insisting on calling my first daughter be named Jaqueline (my surname is Hyde)
- Quack at ducks, meow and cats, meow at dogs and baa at sheep. As well as give every animal that approaches me while i'm fishing a name (mainly called Steve though)
- I've adopted 2 Lobsters and called them Steve and Betty.

but the most childish thing i've ever done:
I was 20 years old and walking home from a night out with a german geezer called Seb (A bloody legend in my books) As we walked past some a very overgrown path to a field, something caught my eye. It was a little toy tractor (similar to this only more tractor shaped.) We looked at each other and smiled, It was under a lot of overgrown thorns, nettles etc and looked to be fairly weathered. So we did what 2 pissed up farts would do in this situation. We pulled the tractor from the undergrowth and started taking it in turns riding it down the hill.

Between us we forgot the 3 main problems that we faced:
1) The road was the main road from the town to the nearest villages
2) It was a saturday and a lot of taxis/other cars were on the road
3) The hill was right outside the police station.

After 10 minutes the inevitable happened and we saw a police car setting off. We decided to stop riding the tractor down the hill, but carry it instead. Sure enough Plod pulls up next to us and asks "were you lads just riding that thing right here." I look over to Seb who is trying not to burst out laughing, I turn back to Plod "Nope, wasn't us, we've just found this and walked with it." By the grace of a god Plod got another call and had to take off. Leaving me and Seb to walk back.

To get to my home village you have to climb a hill which is about 1/4 mile long and quite steep. For the next hour or so we were stood at the bottom of the hill, taking it in turns to ride the tractor down the hill, make screeching noises on the bottom corner, fall off it going at an awesome speed (looking back it's amazing limbs weren't broken/maimed) and just generally pissing about.

Eventually we got bored and as a token of good will (and because I didn't want to chuck the tractor) I offered to keep the tractor safe. I toddled back home with the tractor over my shoulder, put it in the garage, staggered into the house and then went to bed. The next morning I was woken by my dad. It must have been a helluva night as I couldn't remember anything when I woke up and had a headache which seemed that death was the easy way out.

Dad: Son, I have one question, and I want you to answer as truthfully as you can
Me : erm *thinking did I leave the door unlocked?*... go on then
Dad: Why, oh why is there a little red toy tractor parked neatly in the garage?

That was it, I was gone. Laughing like a loon and trying not to throw up. Turns out he opened the garage to get the lawnmower, but was taken aback by the toy tractor. As he left he muttered the words "not as good as my bench though" (If a QOTW is brought up about drunken parent stories, I'll explain in more detail) But for one night, the 20 year old me and the 26 year old Seb regressed to the age of 5.

Not that funny when it's written down, more of a case that you have to be there.

*edit* There was also a case where my sister phoned me, when I was driving down to Birmingham, asking why there was a traffic cone in front of the fishing trailer. But that wasn't me being childish, Was giving some people a lift home after work finished (pub) and they managed to sneak the traffic cone in before we set off. I just thought it would look better in front of the trailer. Still gets used today when sorting out the fishing trailer before and after trips.

apols for length and lack of funnies.
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 3:24, 4 replies)

Why does boredom bring out so much immaturity?
Probably because it's fun to be juvenile. One time at the video store where I work we got a huge delivery consisting of giant boxes, so I made a fort and sat in it for a decent stretch of time, listening out for the automatic door in case a customer came in, purely so I could start re-enacting that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail ("I fart in your general direction"), but sadly none came. I'd made turrets and all.

When I was working at Subway with my mate Sam, we'd often have fake gun fights (the kind where you point your finger, stick your thumb up and make PEWPEW noises), with me hiding behind the counter and him hiding behind the bins while he did the mopping up.

There have been numerous occasions where I've been busted dancing to James Brown by customers I didn't realise were behind me. Same goes for swearing and reciting quotes from The Simpsons/Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz while they're playing instore.

Also, any conversation I have with a cat: "WHO'S A KITTY? YOU'RE A KITTY! YAY!"
(ElGranto, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 3:19, 1 reply)

Can't Help It
but every time I see chav graffiti like:

"Gavin luvs Tracey 4 eva!!"

I just can't help scrawling below it:

"Yeah - but I'm fucking her"

Drives them fucking mental

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 2:37, 4 replies)

Hey Cow
A few weeks ago, while driving to the ski fields from Auckland my friends and I started a game called Hey Cow.
The rules being,
1, Open car window
2, Upon passing a herd of cows, scream HEY COW
You get a point for every cow that looks at you.

We are all 30 years old.
(Fishbone-didi, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 1:43, 5 replies)

nom
Well last week I sucked on my mum's tits and I've not done that in over 24 years!



Bindun? I imagine it has but I've not seen it...
(SpongeGavShitPants, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 1:42, Reply)

Whilst purchasing gifts at Toys 'R' Us for the children of friends
I rearranged the plastic dinosaurs, lions and other wild creatures from their disordered jumble into a veritable orgy of vile and explicit sexual positions.

My favourite was the gorilla in chest beating pose doing the sheep dog. I am 32.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 1:04, Reply)

Every time Ed Balls is on TV I piss myself laughing at his name!
...Balls! His name. Is. Balls!
(FeldmanHaimBluesExplosion : You've only to believe if you wish to achieve. T, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 0:32, 4 replies)

My girlfriend and I went to the cinema last weekend.
It was one of the posh screens, with leather seats.

Right in the quiet before the film started, I slowly reclined my seat, hoping to make a fart noise for everyone's enjoyment.

It worked perfectly, and for the next ten minutes I was creased up in mirth, trying desperately not to guffaw hugely and spoil the film for everyone. At one point I honestly thought I was going to have to go outside to pull myself together :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 0:31, 1 reply)

Cup of Doom!
My mother works for the Royal Mail and when she's not busy being on strike she usually goes to bed early for the early starts in the morning. Now on some days I decide to go to the pub with my mates before she's went to bed. But before I go out I sometimes like to rest a plastic cup of water on her bedroom door so it slighty leans against the door frame as the door is ajar.
Then I leave the house silently giggling to myself knowing my trap is laid and I will be at a safe distance when its sprung. Now when I return I expect my trap to have been sprung and as my mother will be bent on revenge, I expect her to reset the trap on my door for me.
Now I carefully take down the trap and reset it on the bathroom door then pretend I've been hit by the one set by my mother. Making enough of a noise to wake her. 9 out of ten times she gets up and goes to the toilet after I have woken her accidently.
So when she gets up to go to the toilet she gets it again and I piss myself laughing when she goes balistic. Its especially funny if she claims revenge prior to entering the bathroom :D


length?... about two feet until it hits
(fearsome mumbler is shit at telling stories, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 0:25, Reply)

Maddie McCann
That is all.
(progressing_rake is touching himself appropriately, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 0:19, Reply)