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This is a question The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Davros' Grandad confesses: On visiting my ex-wife's house, I wiped my bum on the toothbrush belonging to the bloke she ran off with. At least, I thought it was his toothbrush.

(, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 14:36)
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The most childish? Hard to pick, really.
But I was at Ikea yesterday and decided to stick 2 bottle brushes with sucker feet to my bald head and walk around going "beep beep beep beep beep".

I also took a huge plastic flower and pranced up to my partner and loudly exclaimed in a very camp voice "you ARE the Princess of flowers" while patting him on the top of his head with it like a magic wand.

I am 39, 6 foot 2" and have a beard.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:00, 3 replies)
My wife still thinks i'm a pillock
When our daughter was born, as is common with most hospitals, they took me to one side to check out the baby while they conduct any necessary reconstructive cross stiching on the wife.

Once they wizzed through the visual inspection, "yes it's a baby, yes she does look right fucked off to be out", they handed me her to take back to the wife.

the nurse placed the swaddled infant into my arms and i turned round slowly and said in best Tony Montana stylee "saay hello to my leettle friend"......

"pinki" sound of a pin dropping in next room

It didn't go down too well.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:43, Reply)
From reading this lot
I think people have got confused:

1. of, like, or befitting a child: childish games.
2. puerile; weak; silly: childish fears.

1. derogatory term for a person whoose behaviour is considered to be extremely or intolerably ignorant, obnoxious, offensive or moronic: 'fuck off you twat'
2. cretinous person: 'you fucking twat'

Since well over half of these responses have bugger all to do with being childish and are merely yet more examples of unthinking/made-up cuntydom from the usual alumni of the Phillip Garrido school of charm.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:33, 8 replies)
In a moment of utter boardom when I was off work with a busted foot
I painted my bell end white with tipex, left it to dry for a bit, then drew on some eyes and breathing apparatus with a permanent black marker.

My then girlfriend received a series of texts that afternoon detailing the adventures of the Empires finest Stormtrooper, Cocky McCock-Cock, as he battled his way through the mighty wastelands of Hoth, which looked strangely like a shitty little flat in Hackney.

Wouldn’t recommend painting your pride and joy with tipex. It stings like fuck after a while and when you finally peel the stuff off your penis looks like its been licked raw by a spikey-tounged-Amazonian-fighting-cow.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:27, 2 replies)
I used to work in a minicab office
that was on an industrial estate in the middle of nowhere, instead of, you know, in the middle of town were all the customers were. In the yard outside were around 60 traffic cones (which one of my equally childish colleagues had liberated from a major road reconstruction scheme some months previously).

One v-e-r-y quiet weekday night I amused myself by arranging the cones so that although nothing was apparent from ground level, when viewed on the security camera they made the perfect outline of a cock and bollocks.

When positioning the cones I even took into account the effect of parallax on the camera view (much like the funny-shaped adverts on the ground at cricket matches).
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:27, Reply)
foreigners have the funniest words
for the past year and a half I've been living out in the sticks in Tanzania and have picked up a moderate amount of Swahili in the process. Nothing makes me laugh like a demented school child quite as much as foreign words that sound vaguely similar to rude words in English. A personal favourite is getting on the bus, paying for two people and saying 'wawili' (two people) then giggling to myself before turning to the person next to me and saying 'willy'.

Other highlights include a chinese made spade which goes by the curious name of 'cockswollow' it comes complete with a picture of a male chicken and a swollow (bird) so as to avoid any confusion.

I also came across a menu in a mix of Swahili and English listing Robochicken (robo being quarter in Swahili). I was tempted to order it but i wasn't sure I'd be able to digest it.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:16, Reply)
As you may have already guessed from my earlier entries on this site I have 3 kids.
I always think that 3 is enough (Maybe sometimes one too many) but a few months ago my lovely wife announced that she is broody and wants another kid.

I was against it (As we already have 3 and any more will drive us into debt and give our family a pass to appear on some daytime TV Show).

At first I thought that explaining to her that the two boys were starting to act like me was a big enough deterrent but she was adamant on another sprog

“Come on Mon, I know you love kids. You can name the kids if we have one….. wifey replied (I had some input on the three kids names- as in I made the list of names that wont be used)
(Mon has an idea to be childish but not too childish as to give it away)
Mon: Ooh ok then if it’s a boy Bruce Wayne and if it’s a girl either Tank Missile or Aircraft Gun
Wifey:…Eh? I get the Batman reference but why the stupid girls names?
Mon: Well think about it if any of the other older kids have sprogs later in life they will become an Auntie

Funnily enough wifey stops talking about kids every time I bring up the names.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 9:44, 6 replies)
People have mentioned changing song words
I have a good friend who is a human rights lawyer, one of those people you look at and think "god, you're actually *doing* something with your life, helping people in Africa, making a difference".

She likes changing song words too.

Which is how we found ourselves on Zoo Station in Berlin singing to a crowd of bemused looking Germans, the Roberta Flack classic "Killing me softly".

Only I'm not sure Ms Flack meant the first line to go...

"Ramming his nob up my anus,
Sticking his cock in my mouth..."

10 years on and the opening bars of that song can still make me laugh till the tears roll down my legs.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 9:39, 3 replies)
For my 21st birthday
I was given the Wacky Races Compilation! Awesome!
Nothing quite like celebrating your official transformation into adulthood by sitting in the kitchen, can of lager in hand, grinning like a mong as Dick Dastardly's evil plans are foiled over and over again!

And yes everybody else thought I was a bit 'special'.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 9:37, Reply)
mistafeesh has just reminded me of hymns sung whilst in primary school
And such a memory made me giggle as I thought of it, even today as a proper grown-up type thing with hair on my testicles and all that.

As many of you have probably gathered by now, I went to a C of E school which was run by tambourine-banging evangelist types. Instead of the traditional hymns, they phased in a lot of more modern ones, which were even more shit. One of them had a sort of Latin American rhythm to it and a first verse containing the line,
Jesus put this song into our hearts (repeat x3)

I think I giggle even more now than I did back then at the thought of half the school singing back at the teachers and the old dear at the piano,
Jesus put this pong into our farts

I guess you had to be there...
Where's The Oscillating Gibbon? He must remember more of these...
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 9:28, 3 replies)
There's this boy that I like.
And he has a girlfriend. Suffice to say I'm not her biggest fan. I had to go away on a work thing with him a while back and every time he mentioned her, when he wasn't looking, I pulled a gurning spakka face and slapped my hands together (quietly) in the time honoured schoolyard "flid" gesture.

All of which was childish but very satisfying. Until I realised he could see my reflection in the window.

(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 9:21, 3 replies)
I still do this. been doing it for about 15 years.

At a party, pub, whatever, seek out the drunkard that has passed out.
take banana, mash it up.
Insert into victims underpants.

There really is nothing better than watching an adult at a party think they have shat themselves in front of everyone.

(for realism, add in coco powder to turn the banana brownish...)
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 4:20, 2 replies)
Used to work selling a particular product door to door...
... in order to make the time more exciting we devised a game, in which a word was picked by one member, we all had to fit it into our 'door script'. Then the process would be repeated again and again.

"Meow" was surprisingly easy,
e.g. "Hi there, meow name's xxxx and I'm from the local...etc."

... "Spaff-tacular" not as easy to get away with.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 1:43, 1 reply)
Driven to distraction
When I was learning to drive, I always used to get people trying to climb into my boot. It was as though the learner badge on the car gave people behind me a reason to act the cunt. A big red L-shaped target yelling "pick on the new guy!". One might as well have reduced me in age by several years, given me a terrible case of acne, a lisp, ginger hair and jam-jar glasses and sent me to comprehensive school. Amazing how people forget they were all learner drivers once.

I think the worst one was when I was happily pootling along a national speed limit road. I was doing the speed limit, and no more, as my instructor of the time used to get a little scared and naggy when my speed crept up more than it was supposed to. Fair point, I guess, she didn't want me getting a fine. Anyways.

The man on this occasion trying to ram his vehicle into my boot was of course a white van driver. I mean come on, we all know they're cunts of the highest order anyways, so if anything, they're fair game. Watching his face carefully in the mirror as I slowed down by five miles an hour turn into a shade of puce rarely seen on heart attack victims and the face of Gordon Ramsey warmed my heart something lovely. Especially when my instructor pointed a video camera at him and he dropped back quick sharpish. Not that it was switched on or anything.

Length? About 120 minutes for £35 a lesson.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 1:31, 8 replies)
Why just today
I may have mentioned before, I work at Burger King. This indeed in itself is childish enough for someone who should have a proper job by now, but no, not far enough for me!

Today I ripped up one of the cups so the bottom was the only part unscathed. I then used a roll of stickers as no elastic bands were available to fashion an eye patch. Then I used some stickers again and a "super size" fry box to put a "parrot" on my shoulder. After this I bent my leg so my foot was touching my arse and placed the large roll of cling film on the floor and my knee to be my wooden leg.

I was the Burger King pirate.

The worst part though, was the giant strop I threw when no-one would take a picture for me.

And then ripping up my pirate outfit in the most over the top way possible!
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 1:23, 1 reply)
I was just reminded
The other night (whilst terribly drunk) i was ringing people on the local student telephone network at 4am and telling them (in an indian and /or scottish accent) they have a 50/50 chance of winning £1000 if they can simply answer a question as they were live on air.

If they foolishly believed me, i would then ask them the 'question'

Which was basically

" If you had to choose between one, would you rather A) have an old man whistle into their open mouth for one hour or B) have a dog bark up their arsehole for half an hour"

I think most people hung up, but every third person or so would take me seriously up until i told them the question.
Apart from the one berk who sounded like he really believed and answered B.

Sorry people.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 0:56, 9 replies)
mocking people with road rage
with extra points for braking right in front of angry tailgaters but not crashing.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 0:11, Reply)
singing rude versions
of worship songs in church
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 0:09, Reply)
plugging my mouse and keyboard into the computer opposite me at work
and scaring the (very untechy) person who thought she had a virus until I typed 'your computer has been taken over by aliens' and laughed.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 0:08, Reply)
with scissor lifts in a massive warehouse. They're really slow but it's still fun.
(, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 0:07, Reply)
I swear this QOTW was tailor made for me.
When my wife and I are getting ready to shower, the one of us which is undressing will wait and see where the other is, and especially if the other one is doing something mundane, jump through a doorway completely naked, and yell "Naked time!!!!", waggling bits and generally making a tit of oneself.

Where did we get this habit? From my best friend's 5 year old daughter, who thought it would be hilarious to do that to us when we were at his place for dinner one night.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 23:24, 2 replies)
H***** M***** Bogie Wipe Brigade
A few years back now, not long out of university, my friends and I went to a popular Glasgow club night on a regular basis. We shared a mutual dislike of another regular, who happened to be a film critic for a newspaper I won't name here. She was hugely annoying, self-important, and regularly heaped scorn on everything but the most obscure books/films/things you've never heard of in an achingly pretentious "look at me, I'm so much better than you" way. Plus she had a face like a bag of smashed crabs.

Long story short, we spent a few weeks surreptitiously wiping bogies on her in the club. It seemed like a suitably puerile leveller at the time.

Okay, it was the Glasgow Herald and she went on the be the director of the EIFF.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 23:19, 1 reply)
It is worse when someone else reminds you of what you did
Today at work was a hellish busy day of stock taking. One of the lads I work with is about to leave us and move to the competition and we were chatting.

He reminded of how I had managed to make him laugh not long after I had started to work there. A new bike gadget had just been released and had arrived with us bike techies. We all oohed and ahhhed at it and then I requested a closer look.

I took said gadget from him and placed it against my bottom, parped out a corker on it and then handed it back to him.

I know how to make friends and influence folks.

How did we start talking about this foul offence against bike bits? One of the new lads said to him that I was a lovely and always seemed very professional... Oh dear. The shame.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 22:52, Reply)
school computers
let me take you back to the year of 2005.
----wavy lines----
picture a slightly younger better looking pheonix, with long 80's hair and a penchant for motley crue as well as a 6th former. 6th form was a a great year in high school for me, being one of the "popular kids" hanging around in the common room (playing poker),driving cars, cutting to the front of the dinner queue (best part :-D) as well as the most annoying childish (and most geekiest) pranks ever.
including the following:
-distract a friend and highlight all is work folders/documents/as many files as you can get your pointer on and hit enter.cue 5 mins of loading (typical high school computers running at full tilt i.e. slower than a turtle),crashing,and reboot. Total time of annoyance 10mins.(double points for getting the person back) (triple points doing it too an uber-nerd and ****ing em right off) (a million points for doing it to the teacher)
-hide the taskbar,set the background to a screenshot of tubgirl in I.E and minimize everything and let the person spend 10mins frantically clicking the X button and ctrl-tab-del in a panic before someone notices.
-changing the auto-correct in MS word to include the words "the" and "and" into the words "gay" and "pussy".great on people that dont look at the screen and type. one friends auto-correct was changed so that the words and was changed to gay and his surname changed to likes big fat donkey balls in his mouth.

This may all seem childish but nothing compares to one friend. he was the kind of childish spiteful person that was also very freaking sneaky. any prank pulled upon him would be met with revenge,however instead of doing it himself and igniting a spite war he'd coerce another friend to do the childish deed and insure they'd get caught thus starting the battle of children between two other people.

best childish moment has to be sellotaping all of one friends books together and filling their bag with hundreds of truth cards (pieces of the paper with the word gay on.) and sitting in the corner snickering whilst laying wait.

we weren't homophobic we were just childish

I apologize for nothing...
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 22:47, 1 reply)
Let's pretend.
I spent yesterday crawling around a trampoline for over an hour yesterday pretending to be a dog. It was for my godson. Honest.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 21:08, Reply)
Writing with my finger...
on the back windows of a filthy dirty van "Stevie Wonder cleaned this van!"
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 20:54, 2 replies)
Does anyone else
walk up to automatic doors and 'these aren't the droids you're looking for' jedi-finger-twitch them open? I didn't even realise I was doing it until a couple of months ago when my nephew (being closer to hand height than most, given I'm a shortarse) asked me what the hell I was doing.

On the plus side, he now thinks Star Wars is ace and I can buy him themed Lego for the next couple of years and help make it for him on Christmas mornings...
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 20:39, 1 reply)
Playing Bogies
in the Louvre. Fantastic fun. Try it some time.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 20:30, Reply)
Mmn Chipotle
Fighting over the bill. Well, the way we do it is.

Sunday my friend had some guests, and as the healthy eaters we are, we took them for burritos.

When we got to the cashier, I handed over my debit card while N was preoccupied with ordering, giving me shifty looks and trying to rattle off the 'three sodium-packed bundles of meaty joy and death with rice and beans' as quickly as possible. Victory!--think I, the man's got it in his hand. I've won this round.

I look at the till monkey and grin; he smiles nervously back. No doubt, wondering why there's a manic-looking woman leering at him suggestively muttering 'swipe it, swipe it'. "This is for all of us," I add, gesturing to the disheveled man-children standing beside me drooling over the marinated vivisected cow.

Spoke too soon...

N darts behind the counter, exchanging my card for his with a hastily whispered conversation. Naturally, I try to get it back, but not without first shooting the cashier a baleful, disappointed glance. I'll be back, but I'll never trust him again.

Now picture two adults having a bit of a scuffle in the middle of a public area, both tugging determinedly on a slip of plastic like spastic seagulls. And then, try not to cringe. I dare you.

Sadly this is not the first and will probably not be the last time this happens.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 20:30, 4 replies)
Telephones and cable ties..
Its *incredibly* childish, but imense fun can be had from using a small piece of wire, cable tie, twisty, whatever.. to tie the cable at the very base of a telephone handset to the other end of the cable where it joins the base unit.

Then, you sit at the other side of the room and call the victim. And then piss yourself as they smack themselves on the head with the telephone.

Its even funnier if you do this to the same person, on the same day of every month.
(, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 20:15, 1 reply)

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