My dear parents
Have a habit of buggering off for Christmas every year. The first time they did it I was 17. They left on holiday on the 22nd, so I got some cash and a pair of socks three days before Christmas.

On Christmas Day I played Half Life in an attempt to stave off sobbing for a good proportion of the day. Christmas dinner came in a microwave.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 13:19, Reply)

1 DAY UNTIL YOU MEET YOUR DOOM.

( Laughing Boy, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 13:02, Reply)

Gran
In the last 5 or so years my Gran was with us, she made a slow but sure trek to loonville.

Anyway, she'd heard I liked prawns so went out and bought me a large packet of the pink little critters one year; all wrapped up and nestling in a fishy little parcel under the tree.

Nice.
(declan_m, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 11:08, Reply)

All of my Chrismases have rocked.
So there.
(King In Crimson, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Dogs
Our family has gone through a succession of terriers; all have eaten many things they're not supposed to. However, one Christmas, one of them really excelled herself.

My mum always puts little bowls of chocolates on the table for the end of Christmas lunch; she does this first thing in the morning, then does the rest of lunch. She comes in about an hour later to find the dog on the table having eaten most of the chocolates. Dog is reprimanded and sulks off to her basket.

Half an hour later, the dog is found again, this time in the pantry, eating the mince pies which were stupidly left on a low shelf. This can't be good; and from about ten minutes later, the dog is sick at regular half hour intervals for the rest of Christmas Day. I spent most of the afternoon clearing up the mess whilst my parents entertained the rellies. Nice!
(hakkety, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 10:34, Reply)

Outlaws Family Xmas

Her sister likes to do things properly, standing up during Queens speech, no presents until after the washing up. So the day tends to drag A LOT.

Then the Trivial Pursuit comes out, DEEP JOY.

After three hours we're only half way done because her mother needs to "take her time I'm thinking" and have the question read several times. She then takes up to 15 minutes to decide she doesn't know the answer.

Cue her sisters cat, she walks past me, sits at the side of the board watching. After a couple of minutes she bats one of the pieces clear of the board gets up and walks back past me, I'm sure she was smirking.

The game was abandoned because her mother was "getting tired". I'd almost lost the will to live but went to find a saucer of cream.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 9:52, Reply)

i still fondly remember the christmas
i spent lying on the sofa with a chest infection coughing like i had the black death or something, munching away on those throat sweets and taking my inhalers like they were the big fat spliff i wished they were, watermeloning astma
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 9:21, Reply)

Christmas pud anyone ?
My Gran is of an age where bowel and brain control can be difficult.
Last year, during christmas dinner (and a large glass of sherry), a pretty nasty smell was followed by an uncomfortable shuffling by my gran. "Sprouts ! - that's what the smell is" I thought - and hoped. Only when mum suggested my gran stand up, did we see the full extent of the problem. After an earlier "accident" my gran, now pantless, had shat herself. As she stood up, pieces of brown goodness fell to the floor. She picked one up, presenting it to us all. "Christmas pudding anyone ?" she said.
I laughed out loud, my mum didn't see the funny side. We've never spoken of it again.
( dogfish, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 7:36, Reply)

Not really a nightmare
But the tradition of It's a Wonderful Life is getting phased out and replaced by attending mass (and family mass at that). Which is odd since the folks are barely religious and my brother and I abandoned the Catholics and organised religion ages ago. I can't really forgive my mom for having a greater interest in family mass than family movie. At least my brother made one time memorable.One of the cult leaders from Sunday school was going around with a mike, asking the kids up front what a birthday was. My brother muttered loud enough for our pew to hear, "it's another year closer to death." My parents and I were overcome by fits of stifled laughter.

Then every year my grandma on mom's side has a family gathering of all of her children and their children. Take note my mother (and father) has a doctorate and she is the only member of her family to attend college. One of my uncles has actually been dubbed 'Uncle Cliff' after Cliff Claven of Cheers. Many jokes are quietly made at my relatives' expense, despite their good nature, and as amusing Nascar uncles, trampy cousins, and aunts with mild cases of soccer mom syndrome can be, you just want to get the hell out of there by evening's end.
(DeadCats, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 7:24, Reply)

mince shites
the nightmare has begun, Christmas Eve and we have been promised a early(ish) finish by our lovely management, so to make things fair, all the 8am shift have been allowed to troll up at 8:30 so everyone work the same hours.
mmmh an extra half a hour in bed, wonderful you say, and yes it would have been if i hadn't had to wake up at 6am to make bloody mince pies for my group. I have to bloody show off don't I, so not normal ones no, poncy mincemeat and cranberries tartlets off the front cover of Good Food magazine.
they haven't worked, pastry hasn't risen enough and leaving them in a bit longer has resulted in a slighty chewy toffee like filling.

I may need to start today with a beer.

Thank god Morrisons opens at 7am today.

ps. also managed to step on a pine needle and am now going to work with a bleeding feet, Thank you Weazal for your fabulous "lets have a really tree this year idea", shame you haven't watered the bugger and now it dropping needles faster than Michael J Fox at a sewing convention
( Not just a hatstand inflamed in the membrane inflamed in the brain, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 7:10, Reply)

well...
when I was much younger, I seemed to be a bit of a pest.

my Older cousin and uncle would kindly take it upon themsleves to teach me some manners, and gently did so with the warmest intentions by shoving me into the garbage dumpster.

This was finally stopped by my mother who came outside completly shocked an appalled.

And on a lighter note, my uncle was given a ginat stuffed dog by his mother, which was worht about a hundred U.S. dollars. As at the time he was a bit short on money, he continued the evening by endearlingly referring to the new "pet" as 'Shitface.'

As a young boy, this new word was entirly a whole new world to me, and I continued to call many a thing 'Shitface.' Both at the home, outisde the home, and at the wonderful learning environment called school.
(TomBombadil- PWNS all at StarCraft till he got Call of Duty, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 6:10, Reply)

Too young
Thank God I'm still at the stage that I'm young enough to not screw up crimbo. I did actually have a nightmare one christmas though.
I dreamt Santa had gotten trapped in our chimney (we have an electric cheapo gas fire thing) and couldn't get back out. So he starved to death, much fun for my mother when I woke up screaming "MAM SANTAS ROTTING IN THE CHIMNEY".

Ah the good old days.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 3:55, Reply)

paper hats are VERY flammable
christmas dinner....dad stands up to take the token timed photograph....all's very picturesque...two children innocently swap christmas cracker hats over the CANDLELIT table...hat goes on fire...sister drops it on to chair....chair is of the cheap 80's type with a foam seat....chair goes on fire...cue much screaming and hilarity...we all lived.

a few years later....christmas tree is placed in dining room instead of sitting room for first year ever....all's lovely...tree sits nicely for two weeks....christmas dinner....everyone sits down....tree falls over into gravy...we pick tree out and eat gravy...yum yum.
(evil_beetle, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 2:06, Reply)

Crackers = evil
Some bright spark decided a few years back to gut a xmas cracker, fill it with various explosive things and give it to me.

Me, being a bit tipsy, accept this strangely bulky cracker and pull.

BANG.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHYOULITTLESHITOHDEARGODMYSPLEEN!!!

I spent the rest of that Christmas unable to play on my brand spanking new computer (the only crimbo present my dad had ever gotten me) cos my right hand was wrapped in a large bandge.

Worst thing was, it looked like a wanking injury.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 1:59, Reply)

Top/Bottom 3
1986-Drunk uncle accidently shoots hole in roof during family argument at Grandmother's House, cue police and helicopters.....oh the shame....

2000-On the rocks with live-in bf, decide to drink a bottle of wine before we attend dinner at my mother's house.......so drunk I stand on balconey conversing and when mom turns head vomit over railing discreetly....pass out in dinner plate

2003-Get appendix out, horrible pain, bed-ridden, ex-bf out of town..depressed, thank god for codine and wine
(La Chockita, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 1:40, Reply)

Every Christmas in recent memory
and most New Year's, too. Mental illness pays no regard to what day it is.
(underachiever, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:59, Reply)

thermo-related animal disasters
One Christmas eve it was uber cold outside, I can't remember how cold but definitely below zero. I'd just finished icing the Christmas cake and I decided to give my hamster some of the left over icing as i kinda felt sorry for the little thing as my mother had made me move it into the conservatory for the christmas period. When i got there I found the little beast frozen solid to her food bowl and very dead. I wandered round the house crying, with my defrosting hamster dripping everywhere. Maybe we shouldn't have pets as this isn't the only unfortunate fluffy incident. Always check your tumble dryer for kittens who like the warmth - don't worry it lived! I love my cats. It was awful but the sound it made was funny- miaow...kerthunk...miaow....kerthunk.....miaow....kerthunk
(Mai, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:50, Reply)

True but tasteless paramedic humor...
Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with the family and stuff my face and punish my liver - when an emergency call came in for a "suspected suicide". Was shown into a bedroom by a very distraught flatmate of the victim where we found a guy in his early 20's hanging from electrical cord attached to a ceiling fan.
He was several hours deceased so my partner and I followed protocol by preserving the scene until the police could arrive to take over.

Whilst waiting, we both sat there in silence, occasionally muttering such profound comments to each other as "Hmm..." and "Well.." when my partner suddenly looks up at the deceased and says to me "That must be the biggest Christmas hanging ornament I’ve ever seen”.

I guess you had to be there...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:08, Reply)

colitis
wooooo.
i was a bit ill for a few months before xmas but didnt do anything cos im a silly sod. i decided to go the doctors a few day before christmas day for a blood test but i was so white and crazy looking they sent me to hospital where i was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.

i spent a week in hospital having randomds put cameras into me and being given random drugs to tey an make me better.
they gave me a little botle of mark and spencers aftershave cream as a pressie which was niec.


meh, im drunk, sorry.
bye d bye
(EvilNoodle, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:07, Reply)

merry f*cking christmas
a few crimbos back my mum did a whole load of washing up 2 discover our beloved (if slighty damp), limp dead cat in the washing machine. fan bloody tastic eh? On the bright side he was nice and clean :(. I locked myself in my room 4 a day...and didnt speak 2 my mum 4 a week and missed out on all the turkey. bumhug
(homochicken, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 22:55, Reply)

Last year, on the morning of the 24th,
'cause I'm Swedish and celebrate it on another/correct/wrong day, were sitting eating breakfast when the lit candles in the window set the thin nylon curtains which are blowing in the breeze from the open windows ablaze. The whole family leap into action and the curtains are soon torn down and flames stamped out. Said flaming curtains did fall on my brand new shoes. While everyone is standing around examining the damage, the fire alarm goes of, not because of the curtains, but because upon seeing the first flames, Mum threw the newspaper onto the table. Onto the lit candle on the table. She's getting a fire extinguisher this year.
(Squash, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 22:24, Reply)

Alcohol intollerance
My brother has just developed alcohol intollerance... and last week, was crippled in bed with severe migranes (suggested cause... cheese and chokky)... AND... his wife is a vegetarian.
So.
Xmas. No alcky-hole, no chokky, no cheese, and naff-all turkey.
Bonza.
Not.
A total crimble nightmare... but not mine :o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 23 Dec 2004, 22:19, Reply)

Five years ago
... on Christmas Eve my father walked to the shops to get my mum some flowers, and was suddenly poleaxed by a massive heart attack. Got rushed to hospital and had another one on the way. It was touch and go but they saved him; the rest of us spent the next 72 hours in intensive care with the old sod. There was supposedly a lounge area for relations to rest in but it got taken over by chav scum, so we hung out in the corridor. We didn't eat for days and the kids didn't get to open their presents until about the 28th.

He's still with us - he's got Alzheimers now, bless the old bastard - but I still don't much like Christmas Eve.
( Ptolemy the man with the silent pea, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 20:37, Reply)

i am jewish
i have no christmas nightmares

=)

lucky me
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 20:02, Reply)

ear infection on christmas day, brought on by attending midnight mass
spending chrimbo day walking into doorframes, falling over and vomiting on my new toys

for 4 years running

is it any wonder I hate god?
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 20:00, Reply)

Jesus, remegels are yum
After looking at your profile I think I may have to change my username!

The King is dead. Long live the King.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 19:42, Reply)

Well, my sister's birthday is on Boxing Day
So she waited until her boyfriend spent about £300 on both presents before dumping him on the 27^th.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 19:31, Reply)

My worst christmas
was the year when I got kidnapped by giant mutant glowing sheep from Cumbria who'd been affected by the radiation from chernobyl. They forced me to cook them a big turkey dinner, put party hats on them (have you seen a sheep trying to put a party hat on?) then they made me pull a massive handcart that they'd crafted out of cream cheese into the centre of Rotherham so they could go carol singing. I managed to escape when a friendly goose took me under his wing and flew me home to my parents. Who were so pissed off with me for ruining christmas that they confiscated my stash and locked me in the attic with my brothers evil twin who spent all boxing day trying to force feed me loft insulation. After years of therapy and electric shock treatment they laugh about it, whilst I just quietly rock to myself in the corner caressing my sharp knife ready to pounce when the sheep return with their evil plan for universal domination.... come on you white fluffy watermeloners I'm ready for you this time.......
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 23 Dec 2004, 19:19, Reply)

Christmas 2000.
Just broke up with the ex hubby in the August, and come Christmas was single and having a great time. All my friends thought I'd been invited to each others places, so I never got an invite for Xmas and was too proud to say I'd be alone that day so didn't say anything.
Woke up Xmas morning, opened pressies mum had sent over, sobbed, sobbed a bit more, went to McDonalds for Christmas Dinner, sobbed more, pubs finally opened at 4pm.
Friends walked in with sheer look of horror on their faces and felt so guilty they got me pissed.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 19:17, Reply)