.....
I went to the funfair last night, and tripped over a coconut shy!

I couldn't see the attraction.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:05, Reply)

I don't understand the attraction of

Harry Potter

Tesco's

SkyTV

The Beatles

Football, in fact any sport, except snooker

iPhones, iPods, iWhatever

Soaps

Rap music

X-factor, lost in the jungle, big brother, any reality TV

Damien Hurst
.
( lord bofingham, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:00, 2 replies)

And another thing...
Gods love the b3tan who reminded me of this one.

Here's a simple freaking quiz.
1) Are you Eastern European?
2) Are you drinking it mixed with tomato juice, with optional celery, celery salt, worcestershire, or hot sauce?
3) Are you drinking it straight, in shots, just out of the freezer?

If the answer to these three questions is no, then STOP DRINKING VODKA AND GET A BIG KID PAIR OF ALCOHOLIC PANTS.

Vodka is tasteless, colorless, and mostly textureless. Vodka is alcohol for people who can't handle alcohol. Vodka is designed to be hidden by some sick tutti-frutti mixture so that chavs/frat boys/sorority girls/Jerry Springer extras can get shotfaced while pretending it's just orange-banana-cherry juice.

Drink gin, for gods' sake. Drink whisk(e)y. Become knowledgeable about wine. Go be a beachcomber in Trinidad and drink rum. Learn how to order -- and make -- proper cocktails instead of Crown and Coke.

But I swear to Dionysus, the next person who asks me how to make a martini with vodka will get a serious ranting-at.
(springjack The King Of Pygmy Marmosets!, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:58, 22 replies)

The Beatles.
Fucking awful.
(man_d is being watched by experts on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:46, 6 replies)

Fucking books featuring fucking vampires
First you came for the television. Anything with a modicum of wit or intelligence disappeared from view to be replaced with whatever the lowest common denominator has decided what passes for 'reality' these days.

Occasionally something fresh does pop its head above the parapet, only to be die a quick death as those in charge do not think that our beloved LCD will 'get' it. Sob. Dries eyes.

But I didn't mind too much, for television was not my favourite. Besides, I could always retreat into music.

Then they came for the music.

I don't think that it is because I'm getting old, as I can still find music that I love. But my oh my does it take some finding. Gone are the days when I could hear a song on the radio and want to hear more. Instead I hear generic 'RnB', washed through so many levels of computer processing that I cannot help but wonder if the Bitmap Brothers moved into music production once they finished 'The Chaos Engine'. When it launched iTunes became the refuge of the legal downloader. The top ten sales were made up of great tunes, and a listen to the previews would result in giant games of music tag following along the chain of contempories. Then the LCD found iTunes and now their charts are as bland as the airwaves.

But at least I have my books.

Oh no. Not my last refuge. How can you find me here?

My local bookshops previously a place where I could spend a lunch hour reading the jackets and making a list longer then Santa of authors that I would have to investigate further. Now reduced to a facade of diet plans, ghost written autobiographies (rather appropriate really) of the same non-enties that have infested the airwaves and now on every shelf, of every best seller list and seemingly seemingly shoehorned into every genre - the romantic vampire.

Is it the kind misunderstood vampire that secretly wishes to be a vegitarian? It is the 1,000 year old lord of the vampires seeking his bride? It it the lonely teenage vampire that only wishes for some filly to play with his stake? I don't know, but they now seem to be everywhere and someone must be buying this.

Of course where the literary world goes Hollywood will soon be along to pillage and re-imagine. I guess soon I won't be able to find a decent film amongst the dreamy vampire flicks. What's that you say? Twilight is a film and the LCD's have flocked to it?.... Well shit.
( Kovacs Slogan free since 2003, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:43, Reply)

I don't see the point/attraction of.....
reading books while walking
spending £3,000 on a handbag
buying a new car
midgets with small man syndrome - you're short, get over it
going to the same pub week after week
(CleverTrevor, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:41, 2 replies)

why?
HKLP (holding a knife like a pen)... scum.

Eating takeaway food on public transport

Chewing gum, why not just tattoo chav on your face (actually see neck tattoos)

ASDA

Young children with pierced ears

Eating crisps (see chewing gum)

Stella Artois

Restaurants with pictures of the food on their menu

Three quarter length trousers on blokes

ARGOS

Showing too much cleavage/thigh/leg or wandering around the town centre on a sunny day with no shirt

Hair ‘scrunchies’ worn around the wrist

‘Leisurewear’

Spitting

Sniffing

Lambrini

Driving around in a tarted up Nova playing drum n bass and saying ‘innit’ a lot

Football shirts

Love bites

Wearing slippers to the shops

Asking people to remove their shoes in your house. FUCK OFF. This is not the 1700’s. I do not have clods of fucking manure stuck to me

Smacking children

Smoking in public places (awaits flaming) and yes I used to smoke

Tracksuit bottoms tucked into socks - just what is is that about

Your chav wife/childs name tattooed on your neck

Hen nights – pissed up braying tarts, lovely

Eating in supermarket ‘canteens’

Rolling up the end of the toothpaste tubes – gladly this is a dying practice due to the introduction of plastic tubes

Musical doorbells

Plastic fucking butterflies on the outside of your chavvy bastard house

Gold jewelry

Covers for phones ipods etc

Excessive Christmas decorations

Eating a donner kebab in the street

People who put harnesses on bull terriers

Eating at a Harvester ‘Pub’ - whats with the fucking wooden spoon nonsense. And i'll pay AFTER i've eaten thank you.

People who crunch ice cubes

Artex

Laminate flooring

‘settee’ it’s a sofa you fucking pleb

‘Spag Bol’

Monobloc where you used to have a lawn but you park your Vauxhall

Vauxhalls

The Welsh

Fat people (see ASDA/ supermarket ‘canteens’)

Drinking from a can of lager on a train

Fluffy toys on the parcel shelf/dashboard

The vast majority of frozen food (except peas obviously)

Marrowfat peas

Americans

People who don’t like seafood – invariably scum

Bingo

carrying keys with excessive key fobs and widgets on them

wearing a shirt darker than your tie

women dancing in their bare feet at some cattlemarket

women walking home in their bare feet after a night at some cattlemarket

arguing in public

wearing a black tie to anything other than a funeral or formal occasion

pre-tied bow ties at black tie do's

put your fucking flabby midriff away woman! please.

excessively styled hair

'popped' collars

"i aint done nuffink" and other such double negatives, split infinitives etc

car plates in unusual fonts - zapf chancery all in caps - classy

getting married in a novelty setting or costume
(unless of course its a vegas elvis wedding chapel - but only if you are not american)

wearing tights with peep toe shoes

... i really do have to stop
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:38, 19 replies)

Bought some magnets the other day
I put the north pole of one next to the south pole of another.

What on earth happened there?
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:37, 1 reply)

Inspired by the purple twat
People that call hip hop 'rap'. Rap is not a style or genre of music. Rapping is a method of vocal performance. Would you look at me like a cockend if I claimed that I liked sing music? You fucking would, I know you fucking would. But if you call hip hop rap, then you must logically refer to rock as sing.

Twats.

It's hip hop you cunts. Hip hop. I don't care if you like it or not. It's called hip hop.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:30, 23 replies)

world of fucking warcraft
this game gets right on my tits. it's dull, tedious and drains your will to live. i've got a friend who plays it. he'll spend the best part of 3 hours moving some pointy-eared fucker 6 feet across a field, just so he can use some shit spell that does nothing.
"oh, but it's great! why don't you try it?"
so i did.
within 5 minutes, i managed to get trapped under some variety of magic floor, from which there was no escape. how fucking thrilling.
i immediately declared my character to be dead and have never played it again.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:29, 8 replies)

Fearne Cotton
The next big thing apparently?

I fail to understand how she stays, not just in work, but seems to be becoming more successful with every passing month. Her voice grates, her over-practised "yeah, this band is wicked ('cos someone told me so)" coolness makes me retch, her hideous pointy nose offends my eyes, that fucking Radio 1 promo with her getting a jelly facial makes me want to put my foot through the TV.

And....Chipmunk. That stupid fucking voice, the fact that he only seems to perform approximately 40% of any of his records and the fact that those records are bollocks seems to have been overlooked by everyone.
( Squid Ink should be stored upright in a cool, dark place, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:23, Reply)

Oh Boy, this is going to be a long list
Moaning comes naturally to me, and coupled with my picky nature, this results in me failing to like many popular things. Here we go......

Lee Evans: Reminds me of Norman Wisdom, but far more annoying. Seems to just flail his limbs and talk in funny voices. About as funny as a train wreck to me. (Although he was ok in 'Theres Something About Mary')

'Normal' Porn: Watching another man enthusiastically thrust into a whoreish woman turns me on about as much as a banana sandwich. To make matters worse, seeing the man's enormous schlong turns me off even more.

Hot, Spicy Food: I am a food lover. I am also a curry lover. However, too many people in this country assume that curries are all about how hot they are. Not true. I eat curry that has an interesting and tasty mix of spices, not curries that will burn all of the taste-buds off of my tongue.

Clubs: Crap music. High prices. Chavvy young people. Utter shit.

Harry Potter: I have no qualms about kids loving the bespectacled twat, but adults who claim that Harry Potter is 24-carat gold dropping out of JK Rowling's arse should read a truly great book.

I won't write a lot about anything else, but I will list other popular things that I just don't get:

Rap, Mushrooms, Doctor Who, X-Factor, Little Britain, Cricket, Soup, Baseball Caps, Lily Allen, Vodka, FPS Games, the Halo series, Radio 1, Techno, Anime, Desperate Housewives, iPhones, McDonalds.
(Purple_Monkey_Jingles Purple Monkeys need love too, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:18, 14 replies)

Well... as you asked...
Chris Moyles and in fact Radio 1 as a whole, shopping as a hobby (why?!), Beyonce, High School Fucking Musical, The Arctic Monkeys (even if I did live in Sheffield for a long time), Oasis, X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth, Hollyoaks, Twilight, Grease, Cheryl Cole, Jordan/Katie Price, Peter Andre, Abba, Leona Lewis, Lee Evans, Peter Kay, dogs, babies, alcopops, 99% of Romantic Comedies, which leads me nicely onto Hugh Grant.

I could go on, shit day at work etc. so I'm rather irritable, but here's a taste!

EDIT: and Michael Jackson!!!!!!!
(Lucoire tutted and shook her head in disbelief on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:17, 1 reply)

The Nintendo Wii
To be clear, I don't hate it. I appreciate the control interface is clever and I believe it will be seen as a seminal product. I cannot derive any personal enjoyment from playing it though. The graphics are piss poor, I feel like a dick flailing around waving the controller and the Wii fit offends me on a molecular level. It is as if the development budget was eaten up entirely making the wand bit and Nintendo were forced to bolt it on to an N64 (and to be honest I'd pick a game of Goldeneye over any Wii game every time).

In terms of things I just don't understand full stop, binary is in a league of its own. Mrs Hatred understands it implicitly and finds it hilarious I cannot grasp it. Today I had to install some Rako lighting keypads in the office. Each keypad has a binary setting on the back to respond to a different frequency- it might as well have been in Minoan linear A. My workmates found this hilarious
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:09, 1 reply)

Another clothing one:
Teenagers walking around wearing shirts reading "University of Arizona Athletics team '68" or some similar slogan. I own a t-shirt with my name and former club logo on it from when I used to compete in the Suffolk swimming championships, and I feel I worked fucking hard to earn it. I wouldn't be at all happy if I saw a non-swimmer wearing the same sort of shirt. It just makes you look like a dick.

Also - people wearing surf clothing when they have plainly never been closer to a surfboard than when watching baywatch. You look like a dick.

But the winner in the 'looking like a dick' awards is the guy I saw in the union bar last week wearing a shirt that read "Quite Emo". I instant wanted to go and punch him in the face until my hand broke.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 21:08, 1 reply)

Ok here we go......
The Fast Show - catch phrase comedy with no jokes. Yet everybody seemed to love it back in the day.

Strictly Come Dancing - Yes as I am a red blooded male and I get the whole thing of watching Kelly Brook and Lisa BenNevis writhing around with not much on but why is it that BBC becomes the Strictly channel about this time of year. No, we don't have any real news we'll plug Strictly instead.

Oasis - The reason why every song sounds like a classic is because they are ripped off a bunch of other songs that are already classics. What talent! what genius!

BO Selecta - Is this funny?

The Matrix - Badly written, Badly acted, pretentious, bollocks.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:54, 1 reply)

star wars
reality tv
jazz
( deodar ant trois minutes douche compris, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:53, Reply)

Property
So many people I know spend all their money and effort and time trying to 'move up the property ladder.'

As a result of which, they have dull fucking conversations, watch dull fucking programmes, spend dull fucking evenings checking out areas...

Then, even when they buy somewhere, all they ever talk about is property: 'Oh, we're spending the weekend looking for curtains.', etc.

I don't fucking care. I don't care where you live. I don't care about your fucking curtains, or your parquet floors.

I became friends with these people because I found them interesting, and now every time I have a conversation with them I want to die.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:50, 3 replies)

Reality text vote television
No.

Why?

Because the faux "suspense" of the result is merely a means of padding out two hours of tedium and making the television stations a small fortune in revenue. Two hours for X Factor, followed by results on a Sunday night? C'mon...

And if it's not X Factor it's Celebrity Come Dancing, Big Brother, Britain's Got Talent and that's just the very tip of the iceberg.

Enough is enough, time to label it a distasteful fad like Thatcherism or nylon flares and put something else on our screens.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:47, 7 replies)

Sharing your opinions online.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:47, 3 replies)

24
Sorry don't get it, Didn't get it on Day 1 and still don't get it on Day 6, I didn't understand the Hype surrounding it, and now other TV shows have jumped on the spit screen bandwagon. I listend to Jo Wiley on R1 banging on about it with a big case of "meh!"

Emos.
maybe its my age, we had Goths, Goths had a kind of nonchalant cool. Tall thin, Feilds of the Nephelim/Sisters listeing to sons and daughters of Darkness. But Emos? Eyelier, fringes, self harm, what sort of subculture is that? The point of emo just passes me by completley.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:42, 2 replies)

Twilight.
Just... ARGH!!! It angers me. Literally ALL of my friends are obsessed with it and Edward fucking Cullen.

They all see the abusive bastard as the "perfect man".

And vampires DON'T FUCKING SPARKLE. And now they've all drifted on to read stuff like Anne Rice and watch things like Hellsing and MOAN that it's not as "lovely as Twilight".

It makes me want to stab puppies.

Also McFly. They are shit.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:39, 6 replies)

Mobile Phones
In 1995 working in Milan, I pissed myself the way every Italian was permanently with a mobile phone wedged to their head.

In England, in 2005 onwards, I pissed myself at everyone tapping away at stupid little texts.. inwardly screaming "if it's that important fucking phone them!".

I have a mobile phone. It's turned off. It's always off. I turn it on when I need it. It's there for emergencies. My emergencies, not anyone else's.

Do I compare apps? Do I fuck. Do I give a shit how many gb storage you have? Not one bit. Want to speak to me? Call the home phone.. I'm not in? Leave a message on the voicemail. Send me a text and I'll report you!

I just don't understand the way this technology has gripped folks.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:35, 4 replies)

Music. All of it.
Those of you who know me know this about me already.
Music is the bane of my life. I hate it. All of it. Yet everyone seems to assume that music is what everyone in the world has in common. It's everywhere and it's all shit.
Before anyone says "so what music DO you listen to?" the answer is NONE. zero. zilch. nada. I own no music, I have never owned any music and I own no means of playing music. I turn down the telly when a show's title sequence is on and have to leave shops where the music is more that just background.
It's not a phobia. I'm not afraid of music I just don't like it. It annoys me, it bugs me, it gets on my tits.
I'm not tone deaf either. I can hear the melodies, I can appreciate the skill of a songwriter or the proficiency of a musician at the intellectual level. I just don't like it.
I've never met another person with my dislike. ever.
I'm a freak.
( NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:33, 9 replies)

Harry Cunting Fuckface Potter
A book about some cunt who goes to boarding school and waves his magic wand at fellow students and faculty members.

If I hear one more grown adult extolling the virtues of this kiddy's series I am going to club them to death with a real book. Something good like a Philip K Dick novel or a Vonnegut. Or, I might choke them "ironically" with a fucking awful Dan Brown (he's another shit-slurper who should be exterminated for the good of humanity).

What is the attraction? Do they read it because it's full of short words? Is it just the right size to lube up and touch all the way round their anal openings? They fuck me right off. The only mitigating reason for the continuing existence of this set of mediocre fantasy novels is to tell me who to avoid. It's a badge of idiocy for anyone dull enough to brag about reading one.

Fuck off Harry Potter.
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:26, 5 replies)

A few from me.
1 - Reality TV. Big brother, and all that. Just don't see the appeal and really don't get why people bother spending their money to try and vote on or off participants. Following on I guess, I don't get why people seem to want to read biographies of these idiots just because they've been on tv. Perhaps "read" is too strong a word actually, thinking about the sort of people buying the books/watching the shows...

2 - TV soaps have been mentioned a few times, as well, but I really don't get why anyone would want to watch them religiously, several times a week. As for the holiday specials where you can guarantee at least one suicide/murder/murder-suicide? How does this pass for entertainment?

3 - Religion.
( Boras the anachronism, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:23, Reply)

Chavved cars.
This is something I plain don't understand. Buying cack cars, removing whatever value they might have had by attaching tons of fibreglass crap with wood screws, stupid stickers advertising gear you don't actually own, swapping the stereo for a piece of shite that looks like the warp core of the USS Enterprise when switched on and attached to a pile of rubbish speakers with the objective of blowing their own ears off. Then proceeding to drive said shed around the roundabouts all fucking night for 6 hours or more. Surely there's something more useful to do?
(William Posters is innocent, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:21, Reply)

Just my first list of Hates
Sky News, especially when "someone" dies.
Simon Cowell and that smug grin.
X-Factor.

But top of the list is...

Japanese porn that has pixalatted censorship, ffs, Japanese are fucking weird when it comes to porn, my Jap friend has told me that there are scat escorts in Japan who are told what to eat some hours before they are booked.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 20:15, 1 reply)