I've had enough of...
...all this holier-than-thou flaming of those they perceive as being holier-than-thou, mostly because those perpetrating this blatant hypocrisy don't seem to realise it. That and the fact that they likely have no realistic frame of reference for the shite they're spouting.

Y'see, I did most of my growing up on a rough-arsed council estate and I'll admit, in a way I miss the place.

Only the one way though - in every other way I fucking despise it and more still the vast majority of witless, worthless social retards that are dump-truck-tipped into the place and others like it.

I've been accused by some of forgetting where I came from, but this isn't the case. I remember vividly, but these days I just expect better from my life and in addition to being aware that I'm the only one who can make that happen, I was and am willing to get off my arse and do so.

This is why I have no respect or tolerance whatsoever for anti-intellectual, market-bling-adorned council estate chav scum* and variants thereof because I started out the same way they did but the difference is that I got my shit together. Friends and family helped out, of course, but most of the work-to-be-done in carving out a decent life for myself that I could call a life and not just an existence was mine, just like it should be. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, my Mum is proud of me too and yes thanks, I am better in many ways than your average dole-scrounging, vandalising, out-for-all-they-can-thieve, English-language-mangling chav twat. Flame me all you like, I don't and won't care. I'm a productive member of society - by choice. They aren't - by choice. So fuck them, and fuck you too if you don't like it.

*And yes, I know that not all of those on council estates are chav scum. Just almost all.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:57, 7 replies)

Being drunk in public
Is awfully common, but can be a lot of fun.
So, a little story from the weekend...


After a heavy night in the pub a few of us decided to go onto a bar.
Now, the only bar that was open at that time, and wasn't charging for entry, was a gay bar. I worked out that it was a gay bar because of all the TVs on the walls that were showing pictures of naked men. Not that I had a problem with that, hell, it was selling alcohol.

Anyway, I left the bar to get cigarettes, and ended up chatting to a Spanish guy, who came back to the bar with me, as he "had a few grams of coke, and did I want some".
Drunken logic ensured that my answer was "Sure! Why the hell not!"

So, off we walked, through the crowds, to find the toilets, when he got stopped, searched and kicked out by security, leaving me standing there thinking "What the fuck?".

Anyway, after a few more drinks and some heavy-grade flirting with the barman, who touched my nuts (yes, really), we left the bar as it was kicking out time...

It was too late to get the tube, I didn't fancy walking five miles or more, as I'd get lost, so I decided to get on a night bus.

As I was pissed and not thinking clearly, I jumped straight on the nearest bus, and realised after about twenty minutes that it was going the wrong way.
"Oh fuck!" I thought, and got off.

I was now in the middle of nowhere, no cash on me, very drunk, and smoking like a chimney.
I sat down at the bus stop, totally lost, with no idea how I was going to get back, head in hands, when I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a voice say "are you alright mate?"

I looked round to see a fairly old homeless man, really scruffy and dirty, but he looked like a friendly face.

I ended up sitting down with him, and gave him some cigarettes, while he asked me about myself, where I was going and what I'd been up to.
We chatted for a bit, and he suddenly asked "Do you want a drink?"
I said that I'd like that, and he produced half a bottle of Lambrini, unscrewed the lid and asked me to hold it.
He then produced a can of Special Brew, which he opened, swirled and poured into the bottle.

I'm not ashamed to say that I drank half of it with him.

A few minutes later a bus turned up, and I bid my hobo-friend goodbye.

To cut the rest of the story short, I ended up in a bus shelter drinking whisky with another homeless man, and then got a taxi back.

Why I didn't get a taxi back in the first place, I've no idea.
(Kaol - Scourge of Wales, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:48, 3 replies)

On an island I once lived on
some fishermen wouldn't go out to sea if they overheard someone use the word 'pig' on the way to the harbour, which only came up once or twice every couple of years apparently and so isn't exactly 'common' in any sense but there is something a bit medieval peasant about it.

Also, Simon Armitage, willow pattern, commenting on the novelty of using a cake fork, also, using a cake fork, also, fruits of the forest gateau, wearing a waistcoat with all buttons done up, Hooky in Zulu, Cookie in Forbidden Planet, Ryder in Brideshead (obvio), airfix, wrist watches, toothbrushes.


Thought of some more whilst filling in a job application for the National Trust

Saying 'while', Vivaldi, the messed up kids in the Crow Road (making 'common' posh), hydrangea, Rilo Kiley, that apron with Michelangelo's David on it, my mum proudly displaying on her mantelpiece a Royal Crown Derby saucer that my sister got free at work because the tea cup was smashed, cat poems, electronic typewriters, cling-film wrapped cheese, pencil toppers, safety pins, archaeologists
(FrogEyes, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:41, Reply)

The 'milk before water' conundrum clarified.
There is a definite purpose for putting the milk before the water.

If your teacups are made from fine porcelain china* and you make tea
the proper way (in a pot with tea leaves) it is standard practise to put the
milk in FIRST to prevent the hot water from cracking the cup.

If you were so common as to use a teabag and a mug,
you would put the milk in last because the tea needs to be in boiling water to brew properly.

*Edit: should read 'bone china' - typed it in haste.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:38, 8 replies)

Making a cup of tea
and putting the milk in BEFORE THE HOT WATER!
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:27, 8 replies)

drinking tea with a meal

Calling lunch dinner and supper tea.

Pansies.

Saying toilet rather than loo.

Saying couch not sofa.

Saying lounge not living room.

And many other unfounded and frankly ridiculous things that really have no bearing on modern life at all except as a way of lampooning someone that had a slightly different upbringing. This works both ways.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:24, Reply)

Tantamount to child abuse....
Driving along and singing at the top of your lungs.

Unless it's Meatloaf or something equally as "singy".

Actually, make that "Driving along and singing ROBBIE WILLIAMS at the top of your lungs".

EDIT: wait, that's not "common". I dunno what be this "common"! Because I am IT.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 10:09, Reply)

Carnations


Word to the wise boys, never buy a girl Carnations. There is a reason that they are the only flowers you can buy at Petrol stations.



Lillies always seem to be a winner unless the reciever has cats, as Lillies are poisenous to cats.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:50, 8 replies)

N.A.L.G.O.
Is, or was, the National Association Of Local Government Officers - the Trade Union for council white collar workers.... and a synonym for 'common' in my starchy family owing to the poor decoration and orange plastic chairs to be found in local governement offices.

W.

T.

F?
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:48, 1 reply)

Oh, all right then.
Apparently, I have a reputation on b3ta for being highbrow.

I'd hate to disabuse you of this notion. So, in answer to the question of what defines common, I'd have to say that it's you lot.

Now, where's my Turkish catamite?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:45, 2 replies)

Peasant food
My stepdad thinks tinned baked beans are 'common' but his flageolet beans in tomato sauce is 'peasant food' which is apparently entirely different and acceptable.

We used to have sausage and beans as a special treat when he was away but Mum had to hide the tins so he didn't find out.

She would never let us say bellybutton though - that WAS common.
(monkeychild, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:37, 1 reply)

Ah yes, dog snobbery.
It really pisses me off when people say a dog is dangerous just because of its breed.

I've seen Rottweilers that are soft as anything, and those little yappy fluffy things (that seem to be owned exclusively by cunts) seem to all be vicious as fuck.

I think the problem is with the owners, more than the dog.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:26, 8 replies)

Someone mentioned chav jokes below
So to one of my favourites...

A chav in a red Nova has a race with a chav in a blue Saxo, over the end of a 200m high cliff. Who wins?


Society.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:25, Reply)

Sweet suffering mother of christ -
it's only Monday morning. Do we really have to suffer another three and a half days of bigoted, inane lists about poor people? Isn't there some emergency question-change clause we can invoke?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:23, 6 replies)

Staffordshire Bull Terriers
and their owners.

They look hard but are soft as shite, zero intelligence, squat features and thick skulls, have poor social skills and are crap at working.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 9:15, 15 replies)

4/4 time
It's really quite common.

Ahem.
(Mreek, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 6:41, 4 replies)

i think i may be common
a while ago when i worked in abike shop, we had a director shooting a video segment about trading standards and the rights of the consumer etc in our shop, won't bore you with details but we had to do a few takes..
so to say thanks he bought us all a bottle of wine each. he obviously put great thought into this, because the owner got a nice red italian- he was a bit of a schmoozy ladies man, it fitted well. the asst manager got a nice light family friendly white wine- he has a wife and kids and isn' a drinker per se.
the other mechanic got a nice fairtrade colombian white as he was about to go on missionary work in the jungle of brazil.

i got a bottle of cheap storng white wine with a screw top.


i think this sums me up well.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 5:55, 1 reply)

With child
I remember as a child my mum telling me off for pointing out a lady was pregnant - "you don't say 'pregnant', you say 'she's having a baby' or 'with child'." Apparently saying 'pregnant' was common.

WTF?

I've asked various people about this over the years and always get confused looks. Has anyone else ever heard of this or was my mum just a little crazy?
(antigen is running away from something, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 3:24, 1 reply)

I don't know if this is tasteless or common
You decide.

Years ago, I was flying back from Boston to Detroit when the call went out over the overhead "Are there any doctors on the plane?"
Well, I'm not a doc, so I kept reading my magazine. Fifty lights went on.
Turned out they were all chiropractors so the flight atendants told them to sit down and asked for a real doc. One guy stood up, I told him I was a nurse and where I was sitting in case he needed me then sat my ass down to stay out of the way.

A few minutes later, the real doc yells for me and I run up the aisle to lift some poor schmoe out of his seat and stretch him out in the aisle to start CPR.

We are going crazy, essentially running a code with just two of us when I look up at the rest of the plane.

Every occupied seat is turned towards us, idly watching as if we were on "911 America" with William Shatner! Some of them were actually tossing pretzels into their gaping maws whilst staring at the poor man. The entire coach class watched this poor man die with 2 medics labouring over him. After we landed (45 min later) and he was taken off the plane, they applauded us!

Argh.....
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 3:23, 8 replies)

Wearing sunglasses indoors
Unless you're blind, or a burn victim, there's no excuse for sunglasses indoors. You look ridiculous.
(not here, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 2:09, 8 replies)

God's Honest Truth, or may my eyes be damned......
About eighteen months ago, I was paying a thankfully rare* visit to the UK to catch up with family and friends.

My last port of call being London, I had tried to book a flight back home using the two alternatives - London City, or London Stansted airport.

Alas, on my due departure date, the City flight was fully booked, and so I reconciled myself to the Hull that is Stansted. I probably need not go into the niceties for regular consumers, but should point out that Stansted is the airport serving the county of Essex (see previous QOTWs).

At this particular time of year (around Easter), there is a flocking-off of the Romford Massive to sunnier climes, including the brigade of single mums (for “single”, read “Ain’t got a single clue who the farvers are, well, I was rat-arsed and stoned weren't I, but I like having mixed-race babies, and besides, the social pays more”.

So, having suffered the depradations of the security check-in queues**, I find myself in the gate area for my departure, and like any sane man, order myself a comforting pint of Holy Nectar/ Nigerian Lager/Liffey Water/Guinness (delete as necessary), and settle down for a half-hours' pre-flight relaxation and a read of the book.

But Oh No….

22 stones of Japanese-whaler-stylee "friendly-fire" walrus blubber*** from Basildon squelches into the seat opposite, and starts railing about the “Fahking Cahnts” at security “oo woodnt let her ‘ave foar bags ta take froo”. “FFakssake Oi know oim gonna need’m cos the boy always shits hisself!”

At this point, I drew some succour when I noticed the baggage label attached to the buggy (IBZ or whatever the code is for Ibiza). At least I wouldn’t be riding this one out.

Two minutes later, it was like the Ride of the Valkyries, the final gallop of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a Beastie Boys meets Janis Joplin concert, and Hurricane Katrina all rolled into one, as the fruit-bats of her womb arrived, kicking, spitting, biting, effing, and blinding.

The beached whale sat blissfully deaf to the mayhem which the demonic duo were causing for about five minutes, before the siren voice of a large Vodka and Red Bull obviously threw in her unquenchable lament.

Evidently, the contents of the Pushchair of Darkness could not be trusted to mere airline passengers whilst she sought out the requisite comestibles.

She therefore summoned her progeny thus, and I kid you not…….


“OY! TROJAN, CHLAMYDIA, GET OVER ‘ERE or YA AIN’T GOIN TA EYE-BEE-FA!”

Common? Well, I've only seen/heard it that bad once.


* No offence to friends/family, I just hate police states.
** What's the problem? Read the rules and comply!
*** People like that should be forced to sit together on planes - 3 abreast - see if you like it!

Length? Not as long as the poor b3tards who were on the flight.

Tschuss...
(b3ta_demeter, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 2:06, Reply)

People on this QOTW being nasty...
about people who aren't exactly like them.

RAAAARRRRR!!!!!!
(leglesss let that be a lesson to you, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 1:20, 1 reply)

Kensington
the place is a shithole!
(europe-who, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 0:44, 1 reply)

these:
Xmas decorations on the outside of a house.

Babies with made-up names like "Shonquisha" or "Jayden".

Playing music out loud on a mobile phone in public. Especially if it's shit R&B.

Pink polo shirts.

"At the end of the day".
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 0:20, 2 replies)

Playing on fruit machines
is common. Am I right? Am I right??
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 0:17, 5 replies)

My second rant
1. Speaking to people on the phone while on the toilet. This is 100 times worse when you enter the toilet in mid conversation. I've been called rude several times but even I can refrain from this behaviour.

2. Not sure if this is common as such but still irks me. You've met these people, they are more likely to be women but men can be guilty as well. They make the point of telling you that they 'get on with everybody' to show how non racist/judgemental they are. Now to a point this is true, they do get on with everyone. The reason for this though is not what they think it is. They will badger on to any poor fucker who has the manners to listen without cutting him/her off. This is across all classes but in my opinion makes you as common as eating a greggs sausage roll with your heat magazine on the bus.
(Please note I will happily do all 3 of the above so I'm just like everybody else)

3. This has been covered a few times on b3ta so I'll keep it brief. Do you comment on your friend's facespace page or whatever how drunk you were the night before and how hungover you are now?
NO?
Oh ok neither do I. But if you did you're no different from every other Generation X&Yer.

Just avoid the banter all together, although do wait for my handy book on things to say. e.g. "LOL! Omg u were sooooo drunk last night! Do you remember that funny fing I said to the barman last night? Takes one to know you or sumfink like that! Great night hun! Love you! Write back in next hour plz xxx"
(muzzvsworld, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 0:07, 3 replies)

Watch out, smoker about.
My Mum god rest her soul used to have a neighbour who must be considered common. Although common isn't actually a bad term in itself, this lady simply had no class.
The best way to illustrate this is her smoking habit. Before any smokers bombard me with hate mail it's how she went about it. As far as her family knew she had quit. Yet she would pop over to my Mums house for a 'fag' but was terrified of having the smell on her as my Mum didn't smoke. Her solution was to sit in her underpants while speaking to my Mum. I'm glad I missed those little visits.
(muzzvsworld, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 23:52, 2 replies)

TDW makes his dead mum do his washing.
What a cunt!
( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 23:48, 3 replies)

Maybe
Some people are mistaking "common" with "shit".
(sparkly_penguin, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 23:24, Reply)

WAIT! Something somebody posted in this QOTW closely resembles something I like or do.
*Thinks - OMG! That means they may be calling me "common"

I shall react to this without any counter argument and just say that the person who posted that is a cunt or a retard
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 23:14, 3 replies)