I distinctly remember the time when I realized that I was
how shall I put this, a cut above some of my school friends.

It was the week after the inter tutor football competition where I had unwittingly picked Nicola Tipbank to play in goal.

Well, following her letting me finger her while she sucked of Jonny Deacon, me and Nicola became quite close. She used to pass me little notes in science lessons telling me she wasn't wearing any pants and that I should meet her behind the bike sheds at lunchtime.

So down I would go, excitement in my eyes and throbbing in my pants and there she would be, sitting on that low bit of brick wall, legs spread, those come to bed eyes looking straight at me while Matt Billings or Richard Hawkes' pasty white arses bounced back and forth as they gave her a good seeing too.

After a month or so she let me squeeze her tits while she got some and I knew this was real, this was going somewhere, this could be the one.

Then finally, three months and two days to the moment I mistakenly called out her name, it finally happened.

It was Thursday, the sky was grey and threatened rain when I received my usual note in the middle of double physics. Mrs Turner, our teacher who hailed from Sheffield, was wearing a black vest top which showed off her wrinkled cleavage and bingo wings to full effect. It was all I could do to stop myself lifting the desk as I looked from her to Nicola, who winked at me with a lustful stare.

As the bell rang, I stood up carefully, hunching over and holding my bag over my crotch. Jody Mulfinge caught me eye and turned and whispered to Ellen Shrimpton, they both looked back at me and giggled. I ignored them and walked out of class, my left hand frantically bobbing up and down in my pocket.

I got the bike shed and was surprised when I couldn't hear the frantic gruntings of Matt or Richard. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had she decided to end it? Was this some sort of joke?

Nervously I turned the corner. She was there. One foot on the floor, the other on the wall beside her, her long fingers tracing lines across the thin light brown fuzz that covered that most elusive of secret places. I could feel all moisture draining from my mouth as she beckoned me over to her. I stood in front of her and she reached out and unzipped my fly.

My juvenile todger sprung out like an angry chopstick. She grasped it in one hand and before I knew what was happening it was in her mouth. I'm not proud to admit that I barely had time to inhale before shooting a thick stream of jizz right to the back of her throat.

She swallowed, wiped her mouth with her sleeve, looked up at me, winked and giggled as she straightened her skirt and walked off, leaving me and my rapidly detumescing member hanging in the cold breeze.

It was just then it hit me that this was never going to work. This glorious forever I had planned in my fertile imagination would never transfer into reality.

She wiped her mouth on her sleeve. Did the girl even own a handkerchief?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 9:03, 14 replies)

Innit.. instead of isn't it.. or maybe thats just Chav.
I'm not a snob.. but I like to hear the queens english pronounced correctly.

Some of the dirty chav's on the 'street' are just 'wannabe gangsta yanks' with their bastardized english. 'Woo-ing' and 'Yay-ing' at anything, even if its not good or remotely amusing. Its pointless and irritating.

And 'Sick' is not good, and it never will be.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Tue 21 Oct 2008, 8:42, 8 replies)

The curious thing about common folk ...
is that they are as haughty as duchesses in their own way.

I am the posh one of my family. I went to university, got a great job as a programmer and was married for 5 years before the kids turned up.

My beloved pasty eating extended family are quite content in their council housing estates with their extended bastard brood of so many lovely colours occasionally earning extra beer money in minimum wage jobs. And I am happy for them.

I have, supposedly, been elevated above my working class roots by education and hard work. But are they proud of me? Are they fuck.

Apparently, I am a class traitor. A concept I really don't get.
(Que?, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 7:49, 2 replies)

The opposite of common:
I think my children may be posh. A few minutes ago, whilst making their bed (clean sheets and all), my 7 yr old came to me and very calmly said, "Momma, we are having issues."

She couldn't get the first corner to stay put while tucking the other 3 corners.


Perhaps living in a crap apartment that just happens to be in one of the better neighborhoods so the kids can go to the best schools wasn't my brightest idea. They appear to be picking up the language of the neighborhood. I fear they will be featured in a QOTW called "Far Too Posh" 10 years from now.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 21 Oct 2008, 4:25, 3 replies)

Moo
People who chew their gum loudly / with their mouth open. What are you, five?
It's gross. Stop that.
This is on par with just eating with your mouth open. Yeah, I can't really see the gum, but I can still hear you chewing it. Stop staring at me, shut your feckign mouth and learn how to chew gum properly. You look like a cow.
(tiepohs is a cornucopia of flavour, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 3:08, 4 replies)

Eating
with just a fork, leaving the knife on the side, and refusing to use it for scooping up beans, using your other hand instead.... AGH!
(timewarper, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 2:24, 2 replies)

heard in Whitley Bay town centre a few weeks ago
"If you dont come over here, im gonna abort the bairn"
from a middle aged woman drinking a bottle of pulse cider whilst sat on a bench.
outside newsforce if anyone knows the area
(Adam Mack, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 1:23, 2 replies)

some other things i find common
Farmfoods

Need i say more?


Loud Yawning

There's not a need to cover your mouth when yawning in public place - perhaps if you lower your head or your face is obscured by your collar etc you can get away with it - but there is definitely no need to yawn at 100dB in public is there?


Spitting on pavements

I'm not anti-spitting, i understand the need to do it. But don't spit on the fucking pavement! Spit in the road, it's much better


Poor Juvenile Graffiti

Well done graffiti pieces are a treat to behold. Even well drawn tags are palatable.

But piss poor juvenile cat scratchings are just awful.

Most especially though, the kind where the S is drawn as such but they don't have the mental capacity to create the other 25 letters of the alphabet in the same font (perfectly depicted in this wasters attempt at a W)
( applehead herp derp, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 0:47, 6 replies)

Wimbledon...
...That's quite common...

(bindun?)
(By George I Think He's Got It! It's not fucking Sheep is it?!, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 0:40, Reply)

Checking out cock sizes in the gents..
.. I've had "mates" who think nothing of looking over in what is obviously an attempt to gauge penis size so they can gossip about it later. I'm hoping it's not just me because I'm fairly sure I'm not huge..
(lost, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 23:24, 2 replies)

I don't like to be judgemental
since I grew up in a 'common' household, 'leccy' on a meter, bored kids breaking into cars along the street, all that. But what mystifies me is the (chavvy) women who, upon hearing their boyfriend would like to marry them, decides they want a fairytale wedding. And not a fairly tasteful affair in a small church, I'm talking Barbie Fairy Princess.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-392107/The-25-stone-wedding-dress.html

It's not so much wanting a huge dress heavy enough to do your back in, but then wanting a tacky perspex coach to parade about in?

img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2006/09/sheridan200906_700x469.jpg

... I notice the only decent links were Daily Mail ones. Does that say something?
( Bats, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 23:03, 9 replies)

Hmm..
Religious people are pretty common.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 22:59, 1 reply)

Hello! magazine? Trash...
It utterly infuriates me seeing people read trash like Hello! or Next! or whatever pulp is being mass produced today.

Things like "My wifes partner from beyond the grave strangled my unborn baby six years in the future" and they still read it! And gossip about it!!!

What's worse I find is when people read magazines, about nobodies and said nobodies suddenly do more and more outrageous things to get into MORE magazines despite the fact that they are nothing, do nothing and most likely never WILL do anything but...

STILL GET PAID BLOODY TONS FOR BEING NOBODIES :(

It's just so horrifically annoying and... common...
(Helo, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 22:54, 3 replies)

What really grinds my gears!
Ok, I was born in Scotland, grew up in Essex and I now live in Milton Keynes. I know that sounds pretty bad but this is not about me! (I have a great phone voice!)

My relatives are mostly from uuuupppppp nnnooorrrthhh and the thing that really bothers me is northeners that say "boccle" instead of "bottle". At first I thought it was a form of baby talk as the offender has a young child but I then realised they ACTAULLY SAID "BOCCLE" INSTEAD OF "BOTTLE". Come on, you can't help the way you look but you can at least pronounce your t's proper!!!

Sorry Aunt Jane, love the camel toe, it really works with the white Matalan cropped cargo's and fading magaluf tan.

That is all!

Ooohhh i feel so bad, it's the hormones, blame the hormones!
(ickledoozer last played ball-in-a-cup on, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 21:35, 9 replies)

Slapping your mouth while eating.
I think that this is really common. If I am eating with you, I most certainly do NOT want to hear every chew you make or indeed see the first part of you digesting your dinner at first hand.

If your Mother didn't teach you to eat properly, I will be most happy to help you with table manners.

Oh, and if we are having a cup of tea or coffee, if you start slurping I am likely not to be overly happy.
(Lympicita, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 20:42, 2 replies)

People who can't drink with the little finger elevated.
When I was down the pub with some pals, I was most shocked that they were downing pints of low quality cider without raising their little finger whilst doing so.

I pointed out this, and my friends tried their best to oblige. Unfortunatly they couldn't manage to raise the little finger and drink without spilling it.

Now that's common.
(Lympicita, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 20:24, 3 replies)

Common as muck?
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=HiQqxz-UUoU&feature=related

If you think that's common then fuck you.

Common = Culture

PS: you might want to stick with it till 1min:21.


"Fuck me" there's more here:
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jwcRDY5qxzM&feature=related
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 19:51, 3 replies)

common
my mate...no that'll be assosociate is as common as muck.... so what, i here you say... i myself hail from the very bottom of the social structure and when i am in his company he makes me cringe, for a job i work with (ex)criminals probably the commonest folk around and they make this guy(chris chadwick)look like a complete fucktard with his chavtastic silver chain and cannabis use and he firmly beleives that he is indeed cool.... anyhoo i have to share with you his one and only joke that he will tell in absolutely any company regardless of wether it be appropriate, which it is'nt anyway....'how can you tell when your sisters on?, your dad's cock tastes funny'
fucking hilarious...not

oh yes and Bradford is common as fuck as well.....and bramley, and beeston...and most of leeds. and the middle class twatty students who regretfully come to study at leeds uni then neglect to leave....sad but true and now common as fuck in headingley and surrounding environs.....
did i mention i am common?
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 19:20, Reply)

Following on the idea that common means coarse:
People who drag their feet when they walk should have their shoes taken away from them until they learn to pick up their fucking feet.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Mon 20 Oct 2008, 19:19, 1 reply)

common?
smashing your own window in full view of the neighbours while threatening to burn your own house down with your spouse inside.
then walking around the block, knocking on someones door and saying:
"excuse me love, i think someones broken my window, did you see anyone about?"

i love my neighbours.
they mean i don't have to buy a tv.

.
(i eat crayons, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 18:23, 5 replies)

top right
ads for bidet seats & toilet partitions side by side

how apt!

for those not in the UAE...



( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 18:00, 1 reply)

as some of you may know
i am now living in dubai, with a view to having mrs spimf and the spimflet out shortly

mrs spimf has asked me to get a chunky 4x4 with a good encap safety rating - we have a genuine need for one as the standard of driving here is atrocious and we have a delightful little boy we'd quite like to keep.

there is also a fair amount of sand and poor roads to negotiate too, so...

i asked mrs spimf to go to a showroom in the UK to see the same model i was buying out here

my little boy took one look at it and said:

"too big. two glossy"


he's two and a half.

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 17:30, 9 replies)

I am
And I do not believe it to be for reasons of class, education or upbringing. I shall do my best to explain.

I own a Panasonic plasma screen- I know a Pioneer one is better but I content myself with something almost as good but ultimately not the best it could be. I buy shirts from Charles Tyrwitt in full knowledge that they are not as good (and actually not meaningfully cheaper) than Gieves and Hawkes ones I actually should buy if I want something of that nature. I drive an Audi which is a posh Volkswagen and driven (usually extremely badly) by thousands of other people who cannot push for the best and yet won't step back and save a meaningful amount on the branded alternative- respectively something like Samsung, M&S and VW.

I have (thankfully not yet whilst sober) defended the limited space of my property with the nasty and fairly meaningless defence that "the area is nice." Not that I have lived in any other area of the town in question, I merely recite it like a mantra for my own mental health. I donate money to charity not so much for their benefit but to allow me the mental peace to walk past Big Issue sellers as if donating to a childrens charity helps some poor homeless sod get by.

Homer Simpson was once described in an episode as the fat, selfish epitomy of modern man but given he donated a kidney and raised three kids, on balance he is doing better than I am. I do of course get around this difficult examination of my own failings by buying something nice or going to work and trying to make you do the same. I am a social climbing, consumer afflicted with brand snobbery and a hole where "achievements beyond buying things" should go on one's final score.

And given, I am far from the only person to sit somewhere within this category I reckon I am common with all the most negative associations you may choose to attach to it.

Length? Short today as I am working on ways of making you ignore your wider issues and buy, buy, buy.
LH
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 17:24, 6 replies)

Overheard
in Next, in the Broadmead, Bristol, circa Christmas 2004.

Two women of a chavular persuasion were looking at sparkly party wear. One picked up a sequin encrusted nightmare and said to the other,

"Oooh, you'd look gert lush in this."

"Yeah, but I bet it's dry clean only, though."

"Doesn't matter my lover, squirt a bit of Febreeze under the pits, who'll know the difference?"

Mmmm, Febreeze pour Elle, tres bon...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 17:15, 6 replies)

Some posts.
The inane humour, the toilet jokes and knob gags, The stories that range from fleeting sexual innuendo to stonkingly blatant erotic fiction.

The posts that lead you up the garden path before smacking you with a pun or a shit joke punchline.

The political and topical commentary that flits from the lighthearted to the rage-filled scathing attacks.

The posts that show us some people are obviously disjointed from standard reality.

The heartfelt tales of sorrow and triumph over adversity, that give people a chance to bring some deeply buried feelings and emotions up to the surface, and share them with the likes of us.

ALL of these things are all common…

but unfortunately…not as common as I’d like.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 20 Oct 2008, 16:11, 1 reply)

runs...
www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=4738049303
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 16:04, 41 replies)

Warning: contains no humour
As a purely topical observation, I tend to equate "common" with "has no interest in the outside world". It has nothing to do with manners, or parentage and only a little to do with eduction.

Example - my partner has a friend who, when asked whether she believed in God replied "Don't know. I've never really thought about it". Never thought about it? For fucks sake, how can you have "never thought" about one of the great divisive issues of modern times? So, in spite of being a well-educated woman with a senior level admin job and a rich-as-croesus project manager for a husband, in my book she's common as dirt.

We know someone else who does routine caravan maintenance for a living and yet will discourse happily on current affairs or morals or any number of other esoteric topics over a pint of beer in the evening. The person doesn't know much about economics or politics or philosophy or anything like that, but you don't need that - just an enquiring enough mind to have read something in the paper and wondered ... what does that mean in a wider context?

It's depressing how many apparently well-educated people fail this test.

It should also be patently obvious that 99% of Americans would probably fail.
(MattDP (Squiggle), Mon 20 Oct 2008, 16:02, 8 replies)

Colds
definitely common...
( Ril3y is a brit abroad.. bring on the Stella / Asahi, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 16:02, Reply)