I have a fondness for men with ginger hair.
That is all.
( girlinthehole, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 13:38, 15 replies)

Music
I pride myself on having a varied and interesting music taste. Coheed and Cambria, Belle and Sebastian, Blur, Led Zeppelin, Vivaldi, Gogol Bordello and Beethoven all regularly feature on my favourite playlists.

But for some reason I really bloody love Roxette.

C'mon join the joyride...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 31 Aug 2010, 13:20, 8 replies)

Throughout my teenage years
I managed to touch my ham enough to launch my squelchrocket in every single one of my close friends' houses.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 12:36, 15 replies)

At the weekend
I overheard a few mates laughing about how one of them had dipped their balls into my pint for a laugh.

I didn't know who's balls i was tasting so i decided to get all of them back just to make sure i got the right one.

So i opened my pack of chewing gum and stuck a few of the minty delights right on the edge of my ring. Once sufficiently shittifyed i put them carefully back in the pack and put them in my pocket.

It was made all the funnier watching the looks on their faces as they try to stifle back laughter from my bollock pint and confusion as to why their newly acquired chewing gum taste like, well, my arsehole
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 12:34, Reply)

I own a Prefab Sprout album...
...damn. I feel better for saying that out loud.

*Hot dog, jumping frog...*
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 12:08, 11 replies)

Humph.
Less-than-ninja edit: I'm a cunt. 'Nuff said.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 9:56, 25 replies)

Is boring a sin?
I confess I have never read a word of Harry Potter or seen the movies. I have no idea what happens in LOTR. Lady Gaga - ear rape or best ever? I wouldn't know. I do love you, popular culture, but some things have just passed me by.

Can I make up for it by confessing that I listen to test matches on the radio when out bush?
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 9:22, 9 replies)

Find the faeces
A game me and our colleagues play.

I'm the winner.

It consists of stashing a turd somewhere in the opponents van and seeing how long it takes them to find it.

My record so far is one day, centre console, disguised as a half eaten Snickers.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 9:12, 4 replies)

I prefer
tatu's version of How Soon Is Now.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 6:04, 6 replies)

Ok, I admit it.
I'm workboresme/batshitmentalist. I did a massive flounce on /OT, and then made up a persona which is more akin to the person I am now.
To those of you I offended, I'm massively sorry.....a lot of things were fucked up.

I'm not asking for any of you to "like" me, but all I can say is I'm not who I once was. Things got a lot better the last couple of months. Sorry for being a sockpuppet. I was going to be Roger for a year and then come out, but it seems like now's a good as time as any.

waits to be massively flamed
(nolongernuts, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 4:36, 39 replies)

i must admit to smoking marijuana
i smoked it in the sleet
i smoked it in the snow
i even smoked it in the rain

but i did not in hail.......
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 23:55, 9 replies)

Now is it just me or.....
Dear god, you know how you cast Adam and Eve out of Eden because Eve ate that apple?

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but the apple opened humanaties eyes to good and evil, right and wrong if you will. Am I right in claiming that before this, humans had no idea what it ment to do wrong, so as a result Eve had no concept that it wasn't right to eat the apple, she had no idea it was wrong to go against your word. If I were to tell a person who spoke no English that they could eat any wine gums except the black ones, in a language they could not understand, it would not be thier fault they ate the black wine gums, and it would be stupid to hold them responsible.

Now I'm a man of average inteligence and I can see the huge flaw in your logic, I could never create a universe, I have problems making an edible meal, yet I can see this. Let's just assume your more intelegent then me, so this can't simply of never occured to you. I put it to you, lord god that your banishing us from Eden, exposing us to pain, dissease, death and hunger, as well as subjecting women to the pain of child birth was through no fault of our species and was instead for your own ammusement, and as such, I find you to be by far the worst sinner.
(Mong goose, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 23:31, 15 replies)

I confess
A year or so ago I met a few BNP types through a local pub landlord who used to be quite high up in the National Front. I liked how the BNP waved flags a lot and the whole idea of a world of black and white extremes (haha) with no grey areas was a lot easier for me to accept than having to constantly critically evaluate my own beliefs.

In any case, I took the ideology quite seriously to heart, and about a month later I had to use it; I met a guy who was a real dickhead - he short changed me in a bar, got all abusive when I complained, and just spent the whole time leering at women and propositioning them in the most lewd, direct and ungentlemanly ways possible. I used my training to evaluate his physical characteristics to explain why he should behave so, and noticed he was white and British.

It followed, according to what I'd learned, that all white British people were thieving, lecherous, violent twats, and this led to a phase of deep depression, being as how I'm of Caucasian extraction myself, and a native of the UK. I didn't want to think of myself like that, but the evidence had been there in front of me!

Later, I learned the error of my ways from a fellow Party member. I confess, therefore, to the sin of pride. I thought that I, as a white person, was an ambassador and representative of every other white person, and they of me. It turns out that this is a privilege reserved for those of darker skin tones and different physical characteristics based on geographical location.

Glad that one got cleared up!
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 23:27, 5 replies)

I wonder how many young boys
Old Ratzinger fingered or worse...
Makes all my lies and shit seem pretty miniscule.
So let's call it even, the pope allows little boy buggery and still speaks for God, so everything else short of murder seems ok... Agreed?
What's worse, a condom, or raping a 9 year old altar boy?

/await shitstorm
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 22:54, 12 replies)

Forgive me lord, for I have sinned!
Holy father, I have wanked 7 times in the past 24 hours.

Whilst you may be mad, I'd like to remind you, you did AIDS, cancer, famine, the floods in Pakistan and many outher horrible things. If my sins ever top your own, I'll buy you a steak dinner.

Besides, it's kind of your fault for making me a horney bastard then not making me a girlfriend!
(Mong goose, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 22:09, Reply)

Last night I dipped my balls in my friends drink and his sisters, later I felt his mums tits (very drunk at local festival)
and I'm ashamed to say that that was no word of a lie (revenge for a previous t-bagging)
(Tallyhosis Two heads are more than One, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 20:04, 7 replies)

Smooth...
I once got drunk and morris-danced with my aunt round the living room, wearing a hat made from fresh flowers.
( The Helpful Bear, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 19:46, Reply)

I'm a secret Daily Mail reader
Although I'm quite critical of the Daily Mail and wouldn't dream of buying it, I do visit their website and read the articles. Part of me feels dirty for doing this so I also arrow peoples comments. Anything that mentions immigrants, broken Britain, scroungers or has more than one exclamation mark per sentence gets a red arrow. Anything reasonable gets a green one. The ratio of red versus green so far is about 65:1.

I know this is quite a pathetic confession but if you'd ever heard me go on about the Daily Fail you'd appreciate the gesture.
(pooster found out how long a piece of string was on, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 19:45, 5 replies)

Gluttony
I'm American, 'nuff said.

Honestly, I'm not fat, I actually weigh 65kg and am 5'7". And I be solid muscle. However, I eat way more than I look like I can. If my metabolism wasn't so fast, I'd be fatter than Al Roker used to be.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 18:30, 19 replies)

Me, on a holiday website
Here:
www.wayfaring.info/2009/07/24/saona/

The second pic down is me, floating with drink in hand in the clear, blue, caribbean waters...
I was peeing at the time.
(Darth Thump, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 16:53, 3 replies)

Doing the Maid...
Once a friend o'mine and myself were doing the rounds to and from his dad's beer fridge, and after quite a few, he asked me if I wanted to have fun with what he called his father's 'maid'. Intrigued, I followed him to, sure enough, the maid's quarters (they were pretty well off), opened the door and sure enough, there she was, lying on the bed, impervious to the world and the fact that we were there, drunkenly drooling over her.

She was already naked, so we started doing her in, my mate started forcing himself on her whilst I was on the receiving end of a full pair of unwilling lips - it was glory. She moved around, sluggishly, awkwardly, but with little recourse than to submit to the assault of two drunken, teenage perverts. After a while, my mate had an idea of doing a double, so I laid down on the bed, prodding in her from the back, whereas he laid her on the front.

It all started getting a little out of hand when all of a sudden he started slapping her as hard as he could, back and forth, I told him to stop it, but he carried on and on, every time harder than the one before, until he caught her with a wicked, sharp ring he used, opening her cheek wide open and unleashing a gush of wind where she started to lose air and deflate; the moron had punctured her beyond repair and his old man was going to get stark raving mad at him for doing that...
(LazyScumbag, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 16:41, 1 reply)

I'm really into
watersports....

TIA

*Edit, well obviously that's not 'all', but that's the first thing that is searched for on youporn etc...
(Kip, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Self harming....
Recently I came up with an idea for a small business and drew up the rather detailed plans for how I would go about establishing and growing it. I made my appointment with an advisor at Barclays to request a business loan and showed him my plans. He was impressed and soon the funds to start my venture were released to me.

Once the money was in my account... I had a better idea - I would not, after all, start my own business. Boring. I would shoot a documentary about the post-apartheid experiences of black South Africans. This was a magnificent idea I thought...but wheres the twist??.... It needed a twist.

Then it came to me - the title! If I were to give the film a title that didnt give anything about the subject matter away, people would be like "woah.. didnt see that coming". That's what they'd be 'like'.

So I came up with the enigmatic name of "Sex Pervs" and began my journey to South Africa. I shot some incredible footage - for instance one woman's account of how since the end of apartheid she is now allowed to fart on public transport! As loud as she wants! - this was gold. The emotional heart of my film. I sensitively zoomed in on her face all slow like, as she regaled me with the first time she bought a dayrider and let rip a massive guff. Tears poured down her face as she broke down telling me how she followed through once on the top deck.

The rest of the film was equally powerful stuff and I was truly excited to get home and edit it and start trying to sell it to television companies.

Nobody was interested?? They kept criticising the name? "oooh Sex Pervs? What's that got to do with an evil racist divisive regime?" ... TV Execs are so blinkered.
They asked me to be more flexible with the title. They suggested "Life After Apartheid". I shook my head and offered to compromise with "Sex Pervs 2"....
In the end we got nowhere and I just left and went home. Now I have to pay back a massive loan and I'm rather concerned about it. Hence the self-harming.....

I went up to my bedroom and gave myself quite a bad chinese burn. Ouch. It made me feel a little better. Self harming is great for that, it's a real good laugh to be honest. Once a man in the street called me a berk and I got upset. I felt worthless and empty inside so I went home and stuck some sellotape to my arm hairs and ripped it off. Ahhhh... all better.

Self harming - good clean fun.
(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 11:35, 7 replies)

A female work mate
has been going through a bit of a rough time divorcing her husband. As part of the break up she managed to nick his tower from his desktop. She asked me to help her get some pictures from it as she has no means to do it now she is living at her parents again.

Whilst scouring the content of the hard drive as you do, i also thought i would take a look at the outlook account on there and make sure it was secure and not being hacked. Usual crap on there, but whats this? An adult singles website? Oh, username and password too.....

So my guilty confession is that i have been sneaking into her account and reading the messages she has been exchanging with men about how she wants to be fucked in a public place and how she wants to be caught wearing no knickers. Apparently she likes the danger of getting caught doing sexual stuff but never had the guts to do anything too risky.

I have even considered setting up an account there and seeing if i can get her to send me some pictures of her naked or something.

Im going to hell, but i know thats where all the fun people will be.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Mon 30 Aug 2010, 9:25, 3 replies)

I know it's early for you guys...
It's late for me. This is weighing heavily on me. I'm not fuckin around with this post. 100 percent serious. It's about lust, so it fits...

I've recently joined my fathers fishing crew. He warned me about it. It's very stressful. I keep thinking I'm seeing things out on the water. It was swimming around the ship, following us for a few days. I couldn't keep my eyes off it. My dad said it was a whale.

I know better. It's a mermaid, she's got a gorgeous eyes, long hair, great tits. She wants me, I know she does. But her bottom half is a fish. But that's not how I like my tail.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 6:03, 3 replies)

Top story prize
Talking about the Pope and reading your prize for top story.

Back in the 80's, 86 I think, Pope John Paul II visited New Zealand. I was working for HP at the time and one of my colleagues was a very devout Christian whose Church was cashing in on the visit by running a raffle.

He traipsed around the building offering everybody and anybody a beautifully printed 10 dollar ticket that listed the first prize as being given the "honour of kissing the Pope's ring."

After I pointed out that kissing the Pope's arse might not generate many sales he went bright red and sneaked away. A week later he reappeared with a cheap raffle book with a reworded first prize, an old joke but true story.
(Jimmyinnz was sprung at work on b3ta on, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 5:20, Reply)

Oh fuck I wish I had thought of this...
Just a few minutes ago I was in the kitchen warming some food for dinner when my oldest son burst into the kitchen.

"Dad, I'm going to only ask this once- are you playing a fucked up prank on me?"

Although I've pulled pranks in the past, I've been out of town for the weekend. "Ummm, no. What's going on?"

"I found this in the center console of my car." And he produced a smallish pair of boys' underwear and a partial bottle of lube.

I really didn't do it, I swear. But if I find out who did I'll buy them a beer.

I've been pissing myself for hours.
( Wanderer, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 1:33, 3 replies)

I'm drinking from one as i type this...
i live in a household that breaks glasses and mugs all the time so whenever i'm at a pub or somewhere that has nice glasses i always pinch one by putting it in my friends handbag...
(bamslower i like cheesecake..., Mon 30 Aug 2010, 0:38, 1 reply)