Orville
at the grand old age of 6 our primary school had a raffle. I won first prize! which was an Orville doll. I was over the moon about this- i loved that green duck...but was informred that some special needs kid had broken their arm, so it would be better if they got the duck, but i wasnt to worry as i would get a booby prize.

a packet of 5p pickled onion crisps.brilliant.

I still get reduced to tears about the sham of that prize draw every time i see keith and orville on tv......
(wilma_wonka, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:13, Reply)

Not so much won...
but rather stolen, my house mate got some fantastic raffel prizes that were being left by the extatic winners...
These "gifts" included ooh, ladies travel pack, scarf, some cds, a decorative iron cross and a pair of Jerry Hall Tights...

ooh, feel the crapness!
(Bumrah, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:05, Reply)

literally
When my youngest brother was 17 he attended a "gentleman's morning" (fundraiser - pay $20.00, get strippers and all the beer you can drink) with my other brother and myself, at our local football club. Towards the end of the event they announced the winners of the 3 door prizes.
3rd was a carton of beer
2nd was a wheelbarrow full of assorted alchoholic beverages
And 1st prize, which my baby brother won, was 1 hour with one of the strippers. The lady was to put it nicely, "a tad past her use by date" and in all fairness, was probably not used to working during daylight hours and as such, probably did need the chemical assistance in remaining awake that she appeared to have taken.
With about 200 very pissed and incredibly amused punters cheering him on, my brother was dragged into the locker room by the now almost rabid erotic dancer.
After about 40 minutes the crowd was silenced by a blood curdling scream. I thought "God, I didn't know my little brother had it in him" and began cheering with the rest of the crowd.
At this point the door flew open and we all realised that the scream had come from my brother. He ran the length of the bar and out to the carpark, minus all clothing except a t-shirt, dripping a foul smelling yellowish brown fluid.
The next day, when he had calmed down, I asked him what had happened. He said that while they were in the act of consumating their passion, with him kneeling behind her, she yelled out "Oh sorry!" and then proceede to evacuate a very loose bowel motion. From his description I would say if you think tubgirl you wouldn't be far off the mark.
Funnily enough, he is still keen on football.
(peewee13, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:02, Reply)

the Magical Kingdom
I won a trip to Disneyland when I was 17. I fucking hate the cunting place. Not to mention I'd already been there two months earlier on a school trip.

Then again, my boyfriend and I got a hotel room all to ourselves for three days. It was the first time in my young life I received enthusiastic cunnilingus. Happiest place on earth, they say.
(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:01, Reply)

here's some
These people are suing because they got shitty prizes. I like the way they think.

Edit: In retrospect, I think Snopes did a terrible job verifying this story. That woman with the Yoda doll has quite obviously never worked at a Hooters restaurant. Then again, it might explain why she sold the most beer. The more you drink, the bigger they get?
(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:54, Reply)

The brass band I play in
holds a raffle at each of our concerts, as we are hideously poor and need the money. All the prizes are "generously donated" by band members. Usually these run along the lines of £3 bottles of wine picked up on the way to the concert, mixed in with the odd unwanted-Christmas-present scented candle or bottle of bath salts. Not for our percussionist, though. Oh no. Much too dull. Some of his more memorable "star items" have included a shower head (slightly used), and a shackle. At least the shackle was new...

I pity whichever poor old biddy toddled away with those ones...
( kikilookeylikey, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:54, Reply)

I stuck it rich with River Island!
Wandering around town with the missus, filled in some competition form that was stuck under our nose for some 'River Island' offer... thought nowt of it.

Que 6 months later a letter from their head office "congratulations blah blah blah £500 blah blah" ..HANG ON, i read back, "£500 worth of gift vouchers for River Island" GET IN! never won FUCK ALL in my life.

Get there... spend AGES buying shite we'll never wear, 3 pairs of shoes, 2 denim jackets, tee's, etc, etc... got to the counter, handed over the vouchers "oh - these are no longer valid currency - you'll have to send them to Head Office for replacement... and anyway - where'd u get £500 of vouchers?" looking at us shiftyly

Que them ringing the filth and Head Office to confirm our story - EVEN THOUGHT THE STUPD BITCH SERVING WAS THE ONE WHO HANDED US THE COMPETITION FORM 6 MONTHS EARLIER....

We sent them off - heard nowt from them since. Fuck them. expensive tat for wankers. Not that i'm bitter about the ONLY thing i'd ever won
(TheManofScience, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:52, Reply)

The Kaiser
It went up then... Promise I checked about 5 years ago, it was not that high at all
( liverbird, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:42, Reply)

When I was 13
I came first in a quiz about Harry Potter.

My prize was to have the shit kicked out of me by the Bigger Boys.
Oh, and a fucking Hedwig pencil case.
( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:41, Reply)

a two litre jug
of warm sangria for the best team name on quiz nite whilst on holiday in fuerteventura. our team name? "saddams pants".
(Jazz Bloke Music has charms to soothe the savage breast, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:41, Reply)

Nice Ass.
Our staff conference had followed a similar format every year. The morning is spent focussing on "us, as a department" and the afternoon would be a "jolly" or, more accurately, piss up, usually involving a quiz. The previous year the prizes awarded to the winning team had been DVD players, so when I realised my team were doing quite well in the quiz I thought "I could be in with a chance here, wonder what the prize is?" and dreamt of P45s and Carribean holidays.
So we won! I sidled up the the Ass. Director to collect my prize and was handed an envelope - what did it contain? A £10 M & S voucher.
So I spent it on some nice underwear, got laid, but he was crap too. Where's the justice?
(smack rabbit, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Alton Towers
I won two tickets to Alton Towers from Sky, woo I thought, except I live on the Isle of Wight and didn't have a car at the time. It would have involved about 14 hours of travel & cost £80+. I didn't go.
(steeevc, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Lottery syndicate...
I'm in a moderately sized lottery syndicate at work, so every now and then I go in and look in my tray to find 50p sellotaped to a bit of paper with the word 'lottery' scrawled on it. Woo!
(matthyaouw, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:37, Reply)

'Pomagne' in a Tombola.
Uber crapness to adults but to an 8 year old boy it was 9% potential alcoholic death, peddled by someone who didn't care less how old you were.

"How can alcohol being won by an 8 year old be crap?" you ask.

Because as soon as my mum saw me sporting 3 bottles of this alcoholic death she confiscated it.

The stuff they were allowed to do in the olden days.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:37, Reply)

Cheeseburgers
Entered a competition on one of those small temporary radio station that no-one listens to. I won a voucher for 10 McDonalds Cheeseburgers in a branch in a town that I never went to.

I still don't understand why anyone would want 10 cheeseburgers... even if I rounded up 9 friends and took them along I wouldn't be able to get rid of them all
(Scary, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:32, Reply)

liverbird:
actually 5 grams of gold is worth around £44 at today's rates.

*omfgbrbbbqlengthlolpwned*
(The Kaiser, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Oh yeah and...
... my Nan, bless her, went up to Blackpool a few years back (abotu 10 years, actually) on the biddy bus and entered my name into a free prize draw.

You can imagine my reaction, as a 16 year old, to open up a large package to find Calvin the Camel looking at me.
(Dave_of_the_Dead, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:24, Reply)

last week at work...
... we had a fete and there was a tomboloa Stand and it looked quite attractive, lots of bottels of wine, DVD's etc.

So I was dissapointed with my win of 10 Ladies Handkerchiefs. They weren't even nice one's, they were the sort you'd get on a 3 for 2 offer at the pound shop.
(Dave_of_the_Dead, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Just started a new job...
...at Northampton General Hospital. First week, the monthly newsletter, "Insight" comes round, and there's a short (3 question) competition at the back. A bit short of things to do, I answer them (all the answers are in the newsletter) and email the editor.

Few weeks later, a phone call informs me that I've won, what voucher would I like - HMV, I say... er, how much is the voucher? £5 they tell me - after all, this is the NHS. Woo.

Just to rub it in, next issue of Insight has a big red ad on the back page saying "Competition WINNER is kmlabs from IT who wins a £5 Gift Voucher from HMV"

So now all my new colleagues are asking me what I'd done to win.

Meh.

Still, it got me the first Rage Against the Machine album. Again. 3rd time now, keep losing it for some reason.

It's long enough already, without me putting an unfunny apology on the end.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 13:18, Reply)

I won 8 million quid
on the lottery a few years ago.


I was gutted actually because the month before the win i'd just robbed a security van netting 5 million quid, got caught and got sent down for 10 years.

To make it worse i'm now been butt fucked senseless by some nonce on E wing.


Length, average.
Arse girth is now like the top of a wellie though.
(nappy rash, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:59, Reply)

Rock on!
I once won a Gary Numan record in a competition on the late John Peel's BBC Radio Cambridgeshire show... He even read out my name on air!

Why did I win it? Because nobody else bloody wanted it, of course, so I was the only bloody entrant.

It wasn't very long but it was twelve inches wide.
( dr_fonz, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:53, Reply)

Cheapskates
At the yearly Summer Fete at my primary school, a kid in my class won the top prize in the prize draw, a brand new car (a Peugeot I recall). Being only 10 he thought he'd give the car to his Mum. Upon trying to claim the prize he was told he was too young, and despite his protests that he wasn't going to drive it himself he was given a toy car instead and sent on his way. The garage that had donated the shiny new car took it back to their showroom with a big smile knowing they'd got a days worth of publicity for the cost of a shitty little dinky toy.
(smuj83, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:52, Reply)

DJ THOMSON!
that's the title of the cd i won on holiday ( a thomson holiday) it has such classics as:
scooby doo
thomson the dog
star trekkin'
can we fix it and
the finger song and many more....

it cost me a bloody euro
but i suppose it went to mc millan cancer relief so yeah... still crap
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:50, Reply)

College Raffle
Back in the drunken mists of time, we ended up organising and handling the prizes for a charity raffle at college. The proceeds were to go to a local ITU, who had helped a girl from the college.

As luck would have it most of the prizes were bottles of booze, generously donated by kindhearted folk. Obviously we felt that alcohol would be wasted on the charitable people buying raffle tickets and consumed the lot between four of us.

20 minutes before the raffle, and struck by a brilliant idea, we strolled nonchalantly into the college library, stole a handful of books, removed the security stickers and substituted them into the raffle in place of the booze.

Cue much bemusement as ticket holders received dog-eared copies of "Mathematical Methods in Economics" textbooks and the like, clearly thieved from the college library. Drunkenly we denied all knowledge of any other prizes to the guy whose idea it had been to set up the raffle.

Wracked with guilt the following morning we stuck a fiver each into the pot before handing the money to the local ITU (despite Paul's protestations that we could have hijacked the cash and gone to the pub).
(Rex_Mundi, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:47, Reply)

Christ, I've won some sh*t
At my primary school's Christmas Fair, I was a frequent winner at various raffles.

My winnings include:
large jar of pickled onions
a packet of Trill
tub of SMA powdered baby milk
some horrendous gran-scented talc
a 3 pack of tinned tuna chunks (in brine, I believe)
a tube of Dentu-Creme

The real killer was when my number came up for a huge bottle of Bell's Whisky. I was only 12 at the time, so they refused to give it to me, and sent me on my way with two wanky little Panda Pops. The reputedly alcoholic then-headmaster then promptly won the Whisky.
(dandelionburdock, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:46, Reply)

i won first prize
in a phone-in music quiz from a crappy 'local' radio station near Sheffield about 10 years ago.

When my prize arrived i opened the envelope to discover an Elvis Costello CD single. :(

I opened the case and it was empty. :D

Hallam FM: bunch of bloody cowboys.
(nappy rash, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Technically Live8 tickets were prizes, as you had to get them from a text draw.
What a shit experience. Probably karmic retribution for the fact that I only went to see Pink Floyd, because I didn't believe Live8 would make more than fuck-all difference to the outcome of the G8 summit.

Worst part was when I was watching the lully Floyd and really needed a wee, but not wanting to fight my way through the crowd for about 20 minutes (not an exaggeration) to get to the toilets which were all (and I mean all) 3/4 full of pissy paper last time I went and by then would have been full to the brim. So I thought 'ah, fuck it' and wet myself.

Highlight of the evening was during Snoop Dogg. I really needed a poo, so I thought 'any port in a storm' and braved the stinking paper-filled portaloos. And dropped a jobbie. I turned round to have a look at it, and it was in the mathematical dead centre of the heap of paper, and coiled round in a couple of loops, very elegantly, like a meringue or a swirl of Mr Whippy. It was like a cartoon poo.

I wish I could have taken a picture.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:43, Reply)

What are the chances
The only decent prize I have ever one, was a copy of Fifa 2000 after entering a competition on a cereal box. Never knew I had one until it turned up at my door, but only after I had bought my own copy of the sodding game a few days before.
(jimmy_stavros, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:41, Reply)

Booby Prize
At our cricket club social events, there is almost always a raffle. Most people bring a bottle of wine, chocs etc, (although now a few people have resorted to finding old VHS videos of random films or sporting events).
I digress. We have a very northern senior player, who is a French teacher at a Public school (I would love to hear his French accent!!). Everytime the raffle is announced, you are guaranteed to hear (usually from the bar area) 'Soap on a Rope?' Not a great story, but its now a club cliche. Never seen anyone actually bring any soap though.
(jimmy_stavros, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 12:39, Reply)