dildo
I once entered the Rude Reading held by my university's poetry reading group. I had the DJ put on some Curtis Mayfield, and "stripped" down to my heinous granny-style flabgrabber, to the howling approval of the apparently overweight women in the crowd (to be fair, it could have been men who feel their desire for the larger lady is insufficiently met by FHM and Maxim, but I doubt it). Then I read some fucking shit story which no one listened to. I won a purple vibrator and a Candida Royalle video. Still, at least I learned that you shouldn't pay money for Candida Royalle videos *shudder*.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 11:30, Reply)

Double dealing Budgie breeding fuckers
As teenager my parents tried to force me into things I didnt like, just to live out their sad dreams through me. One of these was to keep Budgies and I fucking hated them.

Anyway they entered me into all these shows where we'd turn up an associate with a load of sad wankers until the judges finished viewing the birds. Interestingly enough the judges always reminded me of collection of elderly gentlemen who other interests know doubt would see there names appearing on some register.

I won. Woopee-Fucking-Doo. I'm the 1987 Llantrisant and District junior Budgerigar breeding champion.

I won a small trophy (crap), some rosettes (crapper) and £10. Now that would come in handy as I was about the age where Id found the value of low cost cider and bus stops, so I knew where that money would be going.

However, the organiser of the event sidled up to me and said everyone else who had won had donated the money back to help with the costs of holding the event next year. Having considered his request and disliking the fact that he waited until I was standing by my parents, so as to try to get full moral attention, I pissed on his chips by telling him where to go.

Day after, up to the local Spar in Tonyrefail where I purchased 8 cans of 7.5% Pulse Cider. Buy 4 get 4 free for £3.99 a shout. Drank the lot and was sick on my mothers kitchen floor and THATS WHY IT WAS THE BEST CRAPPY PRIZE EVER!

PS: The budgie that won died a fortnight later as it caught something or other, and I had to assist in its shuffling off its mortal coil. Therefore I snapped its neck but the little bastard had the last laugh as its head came off in my hand.
(If it could happen to me like that i'd shit my pants, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 11:20, Reply)

7 year old malt
When i was 7 I won a bottle of Whisky in the raffle that was run in my uncles pub. My father took it off me.

When I was 24 I won a 5ft high teddy bear at a fair. I gave that to my little cousin.

I really need to start entering competitions that are appropriate for my age.
(ivebeenhigh i've climbed so high, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 11:11, Reply)

at an agricultural college fete
i played some kind of sideshow game, possibly a coconut shy, i find it hard to remember now.
anyway, i won, and had a choice of any fabulous prize i wanted from a big cardboard box.
i chose a tacky plastic manicure set, the reason being that as a boy of about 7 i had no idea what manicure meant, and it looked like a bunch of cool blades and tools.
i was rather disappointed when i found out that it was basically a range of cuticle pushers, but looking back at it now i reckon that it was probably as good a prize as any of the other crap that was in the box.
(moik, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 11:07, Reply)

Not so mega
When i was but a nipper, i entered one of those quiz lines they used to have on the old ceefax system on itv (the one they had before tv-am finished and it changed). you know the type, pay approx £80 a minute and answer 5 questions about cartoons and football and you can win a glorious prize - which in this case was a state of the art games console ( sega megadrive to be precise). awesome.

so i entered, got all my questions correct, left my details and waited in hope...

2 weeks late i'm over at my weekly badminton club (i was a cool kid) and my mum comes over saying she has some good news - some guy just called saying i'd won a megadrive! holy jebus! now, this is where the problems started. my mum had taken the phone call, and she was a bit sketchy about the details. it was on its way to me apparently. but she didn't know when.

so i waited.

and waited.

puberty came and went.

i waited some more. still no megadrive.

then one day i received an envelope in the post. which was weird in itself, cos i only ever got mail at christmas and birthday times. what was in the envelope? well, only the receipt for one megadrive console from a dixons in birmingham. and nothing else. no letter of explanation, no details, nothing! gah!

it was bad enough i didn't get it, but for some bastard to taunt me was just too much. the cunt.
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:48, Reply)

yey me!
the last thing i won was, £1,500 worth of holiday vouchers from work, paid for a fab holiday in Cancun. hurrah!

Which makes up for the crappy men's snotrags, flowery bubble bath, stale biscuits and cheap booze i've won previously.
(bectoria, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:44, Reply)

i'm ashamed to admit this
but I bought an English Cricket Board raffle ticket and won third prize.

A nine day all expenses paid trip for two people to be flown over to see the fifth test of The Ashes in Brisbane.

How shit is that? It was awesome. I don't think I actually went to sleep once, except for the cricket.
( Micro Prawnvica, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:20, Reply)

only 1 i can remember.
I once won from the sun newspaper a book about euro '96 and all the teams participating.

one problem with this book. it was wrong. It claimed zinedine zidane played for italy, and there was a massive section on brazil.
(wayneofthedead Dale Winton was my dad, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:16, Reply)

Spelling competition at school
Let me regress you,
I'm 14 years old going to my nice Secondary school in Wigan.
There is a spelling competition in my english class, now I'm a good speller so I give it a crack. First prize was any vhs video of your choice (this was the days before DVD).
I did well in the competition but came a cropper in the 4th round.
The girl who won it was ecstatic as the head of English came to ask what video she would like.
She said "Grease". Fair choice I spose.
Two days later the head of English comes into our class to award her prize.
She hands over a blank video and tells her Grease is on tv this week so she'll be able to tape it on this and gives her a one pound coin as a bonus!

Wank. Glad I didn't win.
(Capt_Carl, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:01, Reply)

Old Folks Home Xmas Raffle...
My grandparents used to volunteer at a retirement home and my Dad used to play the carols on the piano for their xmas party every year. Aged 12, I remember finally getting one of my raffle numbers drawn for the first time, (having bought about 20 every year) allowing me to go and collect the last remaining prize on the table...

A leg of ham almost as big as me.

I'm Jewish.

Oh joy.
(me'n'my monkey, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:00, Reply)

Totally shit
As a 12 year old cretin in my second year at secondary school, a friend and I won the school's version of The Great Egg Race (remember that programme with mad Heinz Wolff?).
Anyway, having won the competition and getting our ugly mugs in the local paper, it came to the prize giving. Wow, having to go on stage in front of the school to get the prize. It was a big deal.
What wasn't a big deal was the prize. A plastic ruler.
Bastards.

Length? Girth? Nah, like waving a sausage in the Albert Hall.
(Tibbins, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:51, Reply)

Nuts...
Some random corporate promotion through work bagged me a copy of "The Matrix" on DVD - an excellent prize as it had only just been released on DVD.

Turned out it was a US copy and didn't play on my DVD player.
(antonye, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:49, Reply)

i found
a raffle ticket in an ashtray in a pub.

when they called the numbers the bugger won 50 quids worth of drinking vouchers!

thing is, i was driving that night and had to sit there and watch my mates get through all the free booze.

bastards.
(robotrobotROBOT, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:45, Reply)

Norah Jones
I work for a local paper, and the company had a raffle. The prize... Norah Jones tickets at Althorpe House and a hamper meal for 2 people worth £100 when you get there.

I didnt enter the competition myself, but my name somehow got entered still, and i won!!!

It pissed itself down, and i got absolutely soaked, the chicken hamper I ordered had no chicken in it, and we were surrounded by old stuck up people who wouldnt let us under their umbrellas.

Got some free chocolate though. Worst gig ever.
(chixor, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:25, Reply)

Zorro
When I was five I won a Zorro costume in a school drawing contest.
AND I wore it home, waving my plastic sword and periodically yelling "Zorro! Zorro!".
It was a miracle no one kicked the shit out of me - I must have looked like a complete little twat.
(mudskipper, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:24, Reply)

Best Competion ever
Was when I was about 10 and me and my mate were at the local rugby club summer fair. There was a locked cabinet and a box of sawdust with a load of keys at the bottom. You paid 50p, scrabbled round in the sawdust, grabbed a key and then tried the key in the lock. My mate picked the lucky key first time and won a bottle of "pomagne" (rank fizzy cider champagne shite). He told me which key it was to look out for...and, surpise surprise, I won on my go as well! Two bottles of cheap fizzy plonk and lots of stolen lager from the bar later we were ready to take on the world.

Those were the days!
(nattyplatypus Is flippin eck, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:09, Reply)

years ago (honest!)

When I was about two apples high, I was taken to the local carnival with my brother and sister by my mum. Upon arrival at the park, the first thing I wanted to do was have a go on the tombola (hell, I had 50p to spend - I was rich!). 'Luckily' I won one of the main prizes - a giant 4ft smurf! Result!

Cue three hours of misery carrying the thing around the park, unable to do anything else because it was bigger than me and my brother wouldn't give up his pushchair so that I didn't have to carry it. The stall holders wouldn't even let me keep it there until later because it was too big and would get in their way.

And what, dear old ladies, is cute about a pissed off child carrying a home made smurf, twice the size that he is, obviously in distress and unable to do another solitary thing bec...oh, sorry....ranting again. I'm psychologically scarred. Sorry!
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:02, Reply)

Yay! a years supply...ah boll..
When I was seven years old I entered a spot the ball competition on a multipack of 'United' (remember them) buiscuits to win a years supply of said snack.

Imagine my suprise when I found out that I'd actually won the years supply and then imagine the horror when instead of the dumper truck full of busicuits I'd been expecting, a years supply turns out to be a mixture of 365 "United', 'Club', 'Blue Riband' and 'Trio' bars!

Damn those marketing executives!
(cherry B, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 9:02, Reply)

Beans
Whilst at University in Sheffield I managed to win my weight in baked beans - and Heinz at that!

Needless to say when the time came to step on the scales for the weigh in I accidently borrowed all the change off my friends to weigh me down and ensure I had the maximum number of cans to last me the rest of the year.

Yum yum.
(Moz, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 8:51, Reply)

rednecks
Years ago, my parents were helping to coordinate some sort of raffle at my school, and were really proud in particular of a beautiful, new, handmade quilt that they had managed to get donated as a prize.

Nobody else was very impressed, though. They were all crossing their fingers for the cord of firewood. OOooooooohhhh, someone's going to get lucky....
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 7:37, Reply)

confidence
When I were a teenager, I was chatting to some mates I'd bumped into walking past a town fayre type thing with a tombola which had, among other (much more useful) prizes, a giant panda teddy.

For no reason at all, I said to me mates, "excuse me a mo - I'm just going to go and win that panda", walked over to the tombola stall and said "I'd like to win the panda please!", bought a ticket and opened it. It was the ticket for the panda.

I walked back to my friends with the panda in a state of disbelief. Didn't know what to do with it though. I chucked it in the garage where it went mouldy.

PS - I've tried the tactic since, with no results, so I'm probably not able to alter reality to ensure the winning of prizes.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 5:55, Reply)

spiderman
I won a life sized Spiderman from blockbuster, only like 7 people entered because they figured no point in entering my chances are a zillion to one. I entered. I came to find the spiderman is made of styrofoam and it's arms breakoff easily if you dance with it too long.
(Willa'sname, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 5:22, Reply)

I won Chumbawumba's Tubthumper album off the radio
and 2 weeks later they sent me the tape version.
(Arsenic, Fri 13 Jul, 2:73 and, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 4:56, Reply)

well when i was 8 years old...
i sent a picture into the thomas the tank engine magazine. it was a picture of the little blue engine along side james the red engine and the fat bas.. i mean controller. anyway they posted my picture and it was the best out of the other two and all the entrants were given two thomas the tank engine books. now for an 8 year old, with not alot of sense, that was a fucking gold mine but after waiting 4 weeks the things never came and cue me being very upset.

the next week went i was in school a package came. when i got home i opened the package with a letter of apology saying that the books were lost in the mail and that they have sent something else instead. and that something else was...... a wind back thomas the tank engine model. i thought that it was the best thing of my life.

but i just check on ebay and i found the exact same thing going for..... 99p

bollocks
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 3:33, Reply)

July 4
This past 4th of July, my department had a work party with watermelon-carving contests and door prizes. Even though I never made it to the party, my name got pulled for one of the prize buckets. Which contained fireworks you set off yourself. As I work for a hospital, and in the sort of of area that takes care of people who've recently blown their hands off doing dim things anyway, it seemed an odd sort of thing to be giving out.
(pantherwest, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 2:43, Reply)

Lollipops
and more. Like a miniature statue of baby Jesus. Yeay.
(s_nails, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 2:43, Reply)

i've won a mega cash prize draw!
i just need to call 0906.... bah fucksocks!
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Fri 5 Aug 2005, 2:21, Reply)

A very crappy prize
I once let my friend insert his well lubricated arm into my anus, up to the elbow.

For half a cup of pine needles.
(richard pye, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 0:53, Reply)

Somehow...
I received a brown jiffy bag with the postmark of some fullfilment centre stamped on it.

I don't remember ordering anything or winning any compos, but I opened it anyway.

Inside was a DVD, all excited I pulled it out to reveal that it was...


... The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.

I considered snapping the DVD in two and slashing my wrists with it.

I still don't know why I got that, but I would never had entered a compo with that as the prize.
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 0:46, Reply)

Chuff
My vigorously anti-smoking parents won 1500 cigarettes in a raffle.
(DamoUK, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 0:18, Reply)