You may gather from my name that
I work in a pub.

This happens at least once a week:

Customer orders a pint of their piss-water of choice, I start pouring but the barrel runs out.

Me: Sorry sir, I just need to go and change the barrel

*changes barrel and finishes pouring said pint*

Customer: I don't want that one, it's the end of the barrel

now, this makes no difference when dealing with lagers or nitro-keg stuff, as a: because of the way lager/cider/etc barrels work, the last pint out is actually from the TOP, and b: there's no sediment in this type of barrel. Different story if they were actually drinking a *proper* beer

Me: But sir, the line holds 2 pints. I can pour you another one, but it'll be from even closer to the bottom of the barrel.

Customer: I'd like a fresh one, please.


Also, customers who order a 15-drink round one drink at a time, carrying each back to their mouthbreathing mates before ordering the next one, and THEN order a Guinness

AAAGH!
(SarcasticBarSteward wants to be good at Photoshop when he grows up, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 2:25, 13 replies)

Everyone will know I'm poor
I work for highways department for a council.

When we resurface & road a footpath, the residents are offered cheaper vehicle crossings.

A woman telephoned in ranting & raving, complaining about this offer,

Was it still too expensive ?
Perhaps she didn't like crossings etc etc ?

No ! she was complaining that if she didn't get a crossing her neighbours would think she was too poor & therefore we should install one for her for free to save her embarrassment.

You just can't argue with someone with logic like that ?

Length ? ooh about 2600 metres by 1.5 metres width
(greetp PhiliG, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 2:18, 4 replies)

A quickie
From the dining suite of a certain football club whose name ends in 'nil':

Bald Tit: What's the main meal today?

Dashing Waiter: Chicken in a creamy sau-

Dr. A. Wankshaft (interrupted after hearing 'chicken'): Ah, um, well what's the vegetarian option?

Waiter. D. Handsome: Peppers stuffed with cous cous.

Baldy McFatFuck: Oh, I'll just have the chicken then.

Heavy sigh.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:41, 2 replies)

Kitten fight
Story #2 from pet store hell.

Fact: kittens lower people's IQ by about 50 points.

Two female Kindergarten teachers got into a fistfight over a kitten. One grabbed the front legs and one grabbed the back legs and they started pulling. The manager broke them apart and one of them swung a fist at him.
(cnidaria0 Cnidaria, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:39, 2 replies)

Apologies for outing your daughter...
I worked temporarily as a customer service representative (Phone-monkey) at a certain TV, Cable TV and Internet service provider that was eventually taken over by a company famous for pulling out of b3ta competitions.

The best call I ever got was from a muslim gentleman regarding his cable TV subscription.

He was enquiring why his bill had all of a sudden jumped from £280.00 per month to £420 per month.

Fucking insane, I know but I looked into the reason behind his bills and noted the following: -

Someone had been ordering at least three pay-per-view porn films per night. Most of these were of lesbian interest and as the bill payer and account holder he was well within his right to obtain this information.

The best part was sitting there reading through the list of titles that had been ordered. At every point in telephone calls I remain calm and composed, if someone starts screaming and shouting, I remain calm, no-one could have prepared me for what was about to happen. The guy fucking flipped, he was screaming blue murder in his native language and would not stop, he had paid them almost four grand and almost all of this was for pornography. He was incensed.

I politely explained that if he so desires, we could disable pay-per-view to prevent this in future and this is where he dropped the ultimate bombshell.

He just paid the bill. The actual television was installed in his daughters flat in leicester which she shared with a female housemate.. oooh thought I... not good!

He hung the phone up and I thought that was it.

A few days later I was dealing with written correspondence and lo and motherfucking behold what did I see...

A letter from a rather incensed woman about disclosing what she was watching to her father and revealing her alternative lifestyle.

I went to the account and decided to respond personally, saying in the third person that I had done exactly was required of me, explained that as I was discussing the account with the named party I was more than at liberty to disclose the titles of ordered films.

Good times!
( Muns, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:37, 5 replies)

i'm a very nice customer
although i have had plenty of reasons to complain.
the main one that springs to mind happened a couple of years ago. i'd gone to lunch with my parents(they were paying), after a hard morning's shopping. we had been to the restaurant several times before, due to the fact that it was owned by the son of my mother's best friend.
the restaurant was practically empty this particular day, so we were seated immediately by a very friendly young waitress, who then proceeded to take our order. as it was a cold day, we decided on tea instead of the usual diet cokes, accompanied by rather tasty seafood pizzas. the waitress trotted off, over the cotswold stone-tiled floor, to fetch our drinks.
we sat and chatted for several minutes, until the clicking of the waitresses' heels on the uneven stone floor heralded the arrival of our tea.
unfortunately, the floor was a little too uneven for such heels.
as the waitress rounded the table, her heel skidded from under her, tilting her tray, which deposited a full pot of steaming hot tea all over my stomach and legs.

i may have yelled a little at this point.

the poor girl was mortified. her apologies were swift and profuse, her tears barely held in check. as i wasn't badly injured, i merely asked for a towel to dry myself off slightly. i didn't want to upset the girl any further over what had been an accident.
her supervisor, however, did not share my views.
he called her to the bar, where she received the most humiliating dressing-down i have ever heard and, believe me, EVERYBODY heard it. i stood up, walked over to him and asked him what his problem was.
"oh, i'm terribly sorry miss," he smarmed, "i'm just addressing my waitress over her little accident."
"it sounds more to me like you're giving her a bollocking in front of everybody here. i haven't complained, there's no real harm done, so i really don't think this is necessary, do you?"
i walked back to my seat, leaving him gibbering platitudes to my back. we finished our meal, paid for it(not so much as a discount) and left.
what annoyed me wasn't being scalded but finding out the next day that the poor waitress had been sacked the minute we left.
what annoyed me almost as much was my mother complaining to her friend and receiving a free meal next time she went.
what did i get? fuck all except for a mildly burned stomach and a ruined blouse.

it's all very well saying customers can be annoying, but all too often, so can the staff.
especially the ones with a bit of power.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:36, Reply)

Not a customer from hell...
...but I worked for a greedy company from hell. An insurance/pensions company I won't name.

Due to stock market shittiness we'd screwed some poor elderly lady over regarding the amount of pension she was to receive - a lump sum and then a monthly amount. To be fair, the lump sum wasn't bad (about 5 thousand) but I knew she would be struggling.

Anyway, due to offshoring incompetence, this nice lady had received this £5,000 twice. No one in the company had the faintest idea, but she'd written to us to tell us as such.

It was my job to write a letter in reply to her, asking if she'd be kind enough to send it back in the form of a cheque.

Now, when we sent letters, we had to print a copy which would get filed on our computer system. What I did was file on the system a letter which asked for the money back.

What I did in reality was send out a letter saying to keep it, as we were the ones at fault. I then shut down her file on the system so it would never be looked at again. (Her regular pension payments would be paid out automatically, however.)

I hope she bought something really fucking nice.

Robin Hood or thief? Depends on your view point, I guess.
( The Helpful Bear, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:36, 14 replies)

Pitas and Pizzas
This summer I had an amazing job with amazing colleagues that almost seduced me into leaving my physics/math degree to pursue a life as a food monkey at a sports bar with a great patio.

What I loved most about the job was not having to deal with the customers. However, there were a few questionable orders that we just weren't sure about.

-We had a pizza sent back once from a couple who the waitress said looked like they were visiting from a trailer park. Their complaint? It wasn't "yummy enough." So after that, the boss told us to make sure we add "yummy" to every pizza made.

-Following the scheme of cheapskates, we had an order for "one pita" which would come to maybe a dollar or two (I have no idea, I got free food.). So okay, that's pretty normal if a table ordered a dip and they were greedy on the pitas. Not this time, though. The waitress came to us and asked if we could cut it into many pieces. Why? Because a whole table was sharing a pita. We figured that they were too poor to afford a whole meal, but wanted to eat out that day. Ah, how classy.

-Oh there were many other questionable instances, especially during the dinner rush. Someone sent back their extra hot chicken wings because it was too hot. Others complained of a lack of pizza sauce despite there obviously being some on it. Sometimes people asked for their tortilla wrap to be a specific colour. Apparently a green wrap is healthier than a red or white one? There were also the obligatory orders that were modified so much, you wondered why they were even eating at a restaurant.

I was told stories, too, but I won't steal any of them. I don't think I could tell them as well.
(Sco smokes crack often., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:34, Reply)

What do you get,
when you cross a Customer with a Punter?
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:30, 7 replies)

Post refurbishment
The pub I worked for neglected to check whether their present power supply would be sufficient to run the new kitchen equipment, so the inch thick power cable unfortunately turned into a giant 300 amp fuse that over time, melted.

The day it actually failed was quite impressive, we had a few people in the pub, it was 11:00 in the morning and I was enjoying a nice cup of coffee after stacking barrels in the cellar.

All of a sudden the lights went out, the tills went blank and everything started to smell a little like a foundry. A quick trip to the cellar to check the circuit breaker revealed the problem at source. The huge fuck-off fuse board and connecting cable were on mother fucking fire... one quick spray of CO2 from the handily located fire extinguisher and a call to the fire brigade later we were officially in need of major work by the electricity board. Some poor cunt or cunts were going to have to sit around waiting for the bastards to turn up in almost pitch black conditions. Fortunately the duty manager had kindly told everyone to evacuate when I had got on the CB to him and told him what the fuck had happened down there, but in his strange mind he felt that meant I owed him a favour and I'd have to sit and put up with him for a few hours while waiting for the bastards with pneumatic drills to turn up.

This is where the stupidity of the public really came into play. It started almost immediately.

We had just cast two streets in the city centre into a state where electricity no longer is an option to them, we have firemen walking in and out of the building while the bar staff looked on drooling, we have the cellar access hatch open with a reasonable amount of smoke clearing out and billowing into the street and amongst all of this... idiot number one appeared.

Him "Are you open?"
Me "I'm afraid not, there's been a major electrical fault and unfortunately we're probably going to be closed for a good few days whilst the electricity board correct the matter."
Him "I assume that means the Jazz tonight will be cancelled then?"
Me "Well, unfortunately we can't really expect them to play in pitch black darkness in a pub that has a layout that really is unsafe where there is no light." followed by a polite smile and chuckle... Fucking hell...

Him "That's fucking disgraceful, I've never fucking known this place to shut, the fucking previous owners would never have done that! (They fucking would, they fucking hated doing anything and would have quite happily taken a day off or two to spend with their respective wives and mistresses!)

Fortunately before I pointed that out he turned and walked off in a huff.

I got that same fucking speech at least four times per hour, and whilst every fucking door was shut the doorbell rang almost continuously with people asking if we were open...

I remained civil, but when your inside a pub, one thing tends to occupy your time.

I drank like a fucking fish and eventually we started letting a couple of the every-day visitors in and got a little mini piss-up going. Fucking spot on, we relocated to the only bar where people could see in, if we didn't like the customer who started rapping on the window, we'd simply apologise for the closure through the letterbox and carry on drinking and having a laugh.

Fuck me, the complaints we got when the place re-opened!

Not one was about us selectively refusing access to people and getting pissed on the cellars contents, every single one was about closing with announcement to the customers.

The electricity board spent two days sorting out the supply in full view, they had major works going out all through the front of the building and according to them, people were asking them constantly if we were open.

Most of our customers were octogenarians and christ almighty, they refuse to listen to reason. Ever.
( Muns, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:17, Reply)

Goldfish implosion
I worked in pet stores for 7 years, so I have a million of these stories.

A lady and her husband and children would come into the shop every Sunday after church with a large ice cooler and ask for 100 live goldfish to go in the cooler. I just assumed she had a pond with a bunch of turtles that ate goldfish, and never asked any questions. She was very talkative, and one day told me what the goldfish were for. She believed that animals should all be free and it was morally wrong to keep them in cages and fishtanks, so they would buy 100 goldfish every Sunday and set them free in the ocean. IN THE OCEAN. I took her aside where her kids couldn't overhear and calmly explained to her what happens to goldfish if they are put into saltwater. She became very angry, refused to believe me, and insisted on buying them anyway. I refused to sell to her and explained to the other employees who (stifling laughter) also refused to sell to her. Her anger escalated. She talked to the owner, who apologized and sold her the goldfish.
(cnidaria0 Cnidaria, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:16, 5 replies)

Shirts: Buy 2 Get 1 Free
Was the phrasing on an offer sign in the clothing outlet I work in. We thought it was pretty self-explanatory but there were many customers complaining because they thought it meant that if you bought two shirts you would get one of them free instead of ANOTHER one free.
One day though a couple of years back, it was very busy in the shop. My manager had nipped out to get some form of stationery and my supervisor was on lunch so it essentially meant that the 18-year old version of me was in charge of two members of staff who weren't sure what they were doing due to it being their first day (of course no fault of their own).
At one point though, I was running out the back to grab something but was stopped by a gentleman:

Gent: Excuse me; I need to talk to you about your sign

WN: Ok sorry sir I will be with you in just one moment, please bear with me.

So I then went out the back to sort whatever it was that needed sorting and returned to the shop floor to find the same customer there.

WN: Ok yes, you wanted to ask me about the sign

(Me at this point assuming it would be regarding the offer)

Gent: Yes, your sign. It has just fallen and hit my wife on the head.

WN: Right...

Gent: (Sarcastically) Right...

WN: I'm sorry, what?

Gent: YOUR SIGN HAS FALLEN OFF THE WALL AND HIT MY WIFE ON THE HEAD-

-AND YOU JUST RUN OFF SAYING "BACK IN A MINUTE, BACK IN A MINUTE" YOU FUCKING WANKER!

WN: OH GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU PRICK!

And at this point I stormed out the back, just wanting to be away from this arsey so-and-so who had just called me a curse word in my place of work for something which wasn't my fault. I had never ever, ever raised my voice to a customer up til this point and was really worried what the reprecussions would be. My supervisor had walked past it as she was on her way to the staff room and saw me and him talking so I explained the situation and her reply was:
"I shouldn't worry, her mullet would have cushioned the fall"

Fast forward two years, I'm back working at the same place until university begins again in the new role of supervisor and funnily enough, I seem have to adopted a lot of my predecessors attitude towards your average customers from hell.

Apologies for length but I'm working again in a few hours and trying to get all this crap off my chest.
(WillyNilly SillyBilly, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:13, 5 replies)

woot!! 117th
Ah so many stories of so many situations that i just have the creativity or vocabulary to convey, so have this instead.


Every one of us here is a customer. Here are some of the lessons i have learned in the 6 years i have had dealing with you lot.

lesson number 1.

If you are a rude, abusive and overly aggressive cunt of a person seeking assistance of any kind you will not get it. It pays to be polite as generally we will try to help you (it makes both our lives that little bit easier)

lesson number 2.

When you disagree with us sales/customer service types try actually listening to the answers we give rather than waiting for me to finish so you can continue your rant.

lesson number 3. mistaken identity.

Although a collegue has the same hair colour as me we are not the same person and any information or details of yours he has i do not!
Furthermore, insisting it was me you had spoken to last week and demanding compensation because i don't remember you makes you look like a gigantic twat as i wasn't even in the country at the time i apparantly spoke to you.

The next time you are dealing with a customer from hell repeat what i usually say...

"CUNT OFF YOU CUNTING CUNTS!" (i don't actually say this sadly but i always regret not doing so)
(meh! bored since, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 1:05, Reply)

i've never had
to deal with the public, fortunately. I've dealt with my share of idiots in the warehouse though, but no stories spring to mind.

If any of you are enjoying this qotw, you may like this site though.
(stapleface, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:55, 3 replies)

Tech support types...im sure thers lots of similiar stories down there...
Call at approx 16:30 on a thursday Office closes at 17:30

Customer : We need some help setting up (our system xxxx) on a pc

(for the record, it normally runs on a server with client pcs accessing the databases/programs,etc)


Me: Ok, do yo know where your main system runs from, then we can get the installation files over the network and have you up and running in few minutes

C: We only have one machine for xxxx, this is a new pc to replace it.

M: Ok....do yo still have access to the old pc so we can get the system from there?

C: No, it's gone "poot", thats why we had to get a new one

M: So, the old xxxx machine is completely dead?

C: Yes. Everytime we tried to do anything on it, it just locked up so we got rid of it.

M: Right....did you take a backup of the xxxx system before you got rid of it?

C: A what?

M: A backup...a copy of all the customer information and jobs, etc you had already entered, just in case something terrible happened to the pc.

C: I think we did once....we have a xxxx installation disk. Does that help?

M: Erm...no..thats just to install the database engine so you can access your data.

*insert chat with my manager covering the above events*

M: Ok..the most important thing is to get your jobs onto the web system so the rest of the network knows how to handle the jobs. Do you have internet access on a pc there?

C: No, it was only this pc that was set up to do all that.

M: Ok...we would stongly recommend you try to get that sorted...evenif it means you have to take the info home and enter it on a pc there...its important this information gets entered or the network might fine you, etc for not entering information for jobs yo want them to handle.

C: Hang on, we do have a back up.

M: Brilliant! Do you know how old it is?

C: Not sure, we just found it in the back of the cupboard

M: Well we cant use that...it wont have half of the information and wont have the latest software releases and will more than likely do more harm than good.

C: Cant we get the information of the old pc?

M: I thoght it had gone "poot"

C: Well its still here...its jsut really slow...

M: *blink* Weeeeell....if yo can get it to run at all, we might be able to get them to network -

C: Oh no..i do know we only have 1 network card and thats now in the new pc...

M: -or if it has a cd-writer or similar we can do that....

C: It does, but everytime we use it, the pc freezes up

M: *Puts customer on hold for a minute to bang head on desk in frustration to general amusement of co-workers and has chat with manager*

M: Ok, as we said earlier, the most important thing is to get the info onto the web system...we can try and sort the rest in the morning (its now 17:15 and will take a lot longer than the 15 mins left)

C: Oh while you were away mr C2 has got the old pc up and running again with the network card in it....

M: Really? Fantatic, you can use that to enter and uplaod you jobs as normal.

C: Oh we cant...our router has gone down and we dont get a new one till monday. Cant you just get us a blank system to enter stuff into and we can sort it out afterwards?

M: without internet access and the short time left....no...not really...

*At this point the call was passed onto my manager and then his boss who sufered with this for the next 2 days. I went and wept in the corner...*

Length? Phenomenal!
( mooglemania Please disregard this sig., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:43, Reply)

at one particular job I had,
without exception, every single one of my customers was an absolute certified cretin. Mind you, it was a home for the mentally handicapped.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:40, 2 replies)

Pubtards
I worked in a quiet village pub for about a year and a half and as most of you probably know, about 70% of people who enter a quiet village pub are complete and utter funts!

Highlights include:
A woman ordering a rare roast beef sandwich, then taking it back and complaining that she was pregnant and couldn't eat rare beef. (word failed me!)

An old man who asked for ice in his tap water (old people always asked for that because it was free.) I put 2 cubes in and he said 'it'll be too cold now.'

A little girl crying and screaming because we didn't have any pink straws!
(We did sometimes have pink straws so I always gave them to little boys, they fucking hated it!)

Old men asking for a glass with a handle because they couldn't hold on to regular glasses!

One old man shouted at me because his ale didn't look right...(it was a new barrel!)

An Asian man came in asking if he could sell his dvds...I told him I worked for an amateur film company and I'd call the police if he didn't leave straight away!

I'm sure there's loads more I've forgotten...
(Cockney_Jesus is targetting your mum in V.A.T.S!, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:37, 2 replies)

ok,
so it's not like she was a savage customer who argued, but still, it's a good story.

I was working for a large department store chain who also deliver flowers. I took orders for flowers over the phone, with nice gift messages and such. I took a call from a nice lady who wanted to send some flowers to her friend. I asked her if she wanted a gift message, to which she replied "Yes please, can it say: 'Christine, sorry for dumping on you so much. Hope you have a nice holiday. Love Janet.'"

Trying to cover my laughter, I slowly managed to bleat out "ok....."

But no. The worst wasn't over. Over the phone came the nice lady's voice with the doom-ridden words: "Could you read that back to me please?"

Almost dieing of giggles, I managed to read back 'Christine, sorry for dumping on you so much. Hope you have a nice holiday. Love Janet.' To which nice lady replied "Yes, that sounds much better than the other way round. Good."

Holding back cries of "No it fucking doesn't!", I put the said message onto the nice lady's flowers, put the order through, and never looked back.

Still to this day I imagine Christine getting a lovely bunch of flowers delivered with a lovely card saying "sorry for dumping on you so much, have a nice holiday"
( Damien's Hearse, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:35, 7 replies)

Fruit Obsessive
Back in 1997, the country was riding the crest of a wave. Labour had waltzed into power at the expense of the beleaguered Tories, Blair was being hailed as some kind of toothy Messiah. The general air was one of hope and optimism.

A 17 year-old BK had began dossing through 6th form, doing the occasional bit of work inbetween getting drunk, playing in a (I now realise, fucking terrible) band, and working the fruit and veg department in Safeways, although it was somewhat ostentatiously called the produce department.

I enjoyed this job. I was good at it, and enjoyed a relative degree of autonomy. In the evenings I was left on my own to shut the department down, a job I was adept at carrying out.

There was one task us veg-monkeys dreaded if we'd been left to close up on our own and that was the making up of fruit baskets. A customer could come in and ask us to make a basket up for some occasion or other. This was a task that invariably interfered with our time schedule as, for some reason, people who would otherwise lob random bits of fruit into their trolley, would insist on unprecedented levels of perfection when they were for other people.
It was not unknown to end up in heated discussions over the relative merits of one lychee against another.
"This apple has a bump on it."
"It may well do, you're not deciding on a Faberge egg here."

Eventually, it was decided that the fruit baskets were way too much of a ball-ache as it didn't gain us any revenue and it held us up.

The week after this decision had been by the higher echelons of the fruity sages I happened to working the evening shift again.
After putting the finishing touches to a faithful representation of Dali's The Metamorphosis of Narcissus using the medium of beefsteak tomatoes (may be an embellishment), I was an accosted by an absolute buffalo of a woman. She was a terrifying heiffer of a kind I'd previosuly never encountered, being unaware at the time of the sterling work of Ann Widdecombe.
She was accompanied, in an inspired move by the comedy gods, by the kind of tiny, hen-pecked husband you rarely see outside of a 1950s cartoon.

"Wanna froot baskit! Tenner's wurth!" she boomed, in a voice which was half Barry White, half Rab C. Nesbitt. After replacing a few suicidal figs that had spontaneously leapt off the shelf at such Richter-tickling basso profundo I addressed the woman/ source of Mozzarella.

"Sorry. We don't do them any more."

"what?!!!?" The face imploded in ways a human face shouldn't, as if she'd ingested the juice of a thousand lemons in one go. The look of disgust would be justified if she'd caught me with my dick in a pensioner, but I had merely informed of a small change in our fruit retail policy.

"I wunt tenner o' froot fur ma mate. Heez in hoaspitul!"
I looked hopefully in the direction of her husband. I got a small smile of apology before virtually his entire face vanished into his roll-neck, obviously some tortoise-like defence mechanism.

"Sorry. We don't do them any more."
I was sticking to ground I felt comfortable with.

"Wunnna see yer manajur!" This time, it was the turn of some low-level kumquats to hurl themselves from the shelves.

I got the manager, having warned him in advance of Hurricane Gustav in sovereign rings waiting in the aisle.
He infomed her of our position on out fruit-vending shift.
Tectonic plates shifted; birds in Asia took off from their trees; a small village in Ulan Bator flooded (I'm enjoying the embellishment).

Suddenly, I had a flash of logic.
"Exactly how ill is your friend if you expect him to eat £10 worth of fruit?"

The face imploded again. My manager stifled a giggle. Even the hubbie snorted through the safety of a mouthful of Pringle's finest.
"Would a portion of grapes not be enough?"

Aware she was being ridiculed she informed us she would never shop there again, and stormed out. We were treated to a most gratifying grin from the husband though, before he trotted out after her.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:27, 9 replies)

many oh dears as a shoe fitter
customer: "what's this?'

me: "a size 3." *checks measurements* "as you can see the length is fine" *squeezes shoe* "but this is an F width and we should go for an E."

customer: "yes, it does look big." *turns to other members of family for agreement* "yes, much too big. can we try a size 2?"

me: "no that would be too small in length then. you want to change the width."

customer: "yes but see here... the shoe is much too big. look, she's slipping about. go for a walk honey."

me: 'there's no need. i can just get a width down..."

customer: "there see... slipping right off. lets try a size 2, eh?"

me: "-"

this happened about five times a day. who is the fitter and who is the bloody customer?
(ladyintheradiator, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:18, Reply)

Ooo, somebody's been reading 'customers suck'!
A recent one:

I work for a company that sells broadband, TV and phone. I work in the phone department. Now, the company says that anybody who has the TV with them can get a free telephone calls package that gives them evening and weekend calls to any UK landline. I work in the technical side of the phone department. With me so far?

I got a call from a customer recently who had missed a call from us.

Customer: I've just missed a call from you, I think it was about my free calls package.

Me: Ah, alright then. I just need to ask a few questions.

Customer: *gives account number, name and address*

Me: Thanks, now can I have the password on your account please? *It was 'wedding', for the record*

Customer: Yeah, it's family1

Me: Nope, that's not it, want to try again?

Customer: family

Me: Nope, it's not 'family' at all.

Customer: YES IT IS!

Me: No, it really isn't, I've got it right in front of me, I just need it for verification.

Customer: Oh, how am I supposed to remember passwords you give me?

Me: This will be something you set!

Customer: *shouts to somebody in the room* The password is family1, isn't it? Yeah, thought so! (To me) It's family fucking 1!

Me: No, it really isn't. I'm sorry, but without the password, we can't discuss your account. I can put you through to Customer Services if you like?

Customer: Well somebody just rang me a minute ago!

Me: They'd have still asked for your password.

Customer: Oh well, if it's that important, you'll call me.

Yes, because I'm going to jump through hoops and bend over backwards to ensure that you get a FREE product!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:07, 3 replies)

The story below of the woman who thought people could see her through her PC reminded me.
I've worked in all kinds of places and one of them was an electrical department of a very posh department store in Brighton.

One thing we sold were Roberts Radios, with the 'Revival' range being very popular.

These were very nice £100 (this is 2000) 60s style radios. To put in the massive PP9 battery you had to open the bottom which exposed the workings.

Well I had a perfectly ordinary looking woman came in and said she was having problems with her radio.
I plugged it in and had a listen. Sounded fine. She then went on to tell me that people were coming in through the air conditioning and stealing parts out of it.
I told her that it looked fine and there was nothing missing.
But no she was sure that these people were stealing things and she wanted someone from Roberts to come and have a look.
We had to get security to remove her.


Oh and we had another old woman who brought her Roberts Revival back because she couldn't get the Light Programme (ask your nan).
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 4 Sep 2008, 23:56, 1 reply)

The tale of Roy....
Well I work at as a barman, so have seen some pretty awful customers, including but not limited to this one old(ish, he just looks generically old and scruffy)guy called roy, hence the title.

He truly truly believes himself to be gods gift to women, and is always talking about his current "girlfriends" all over the country, constantly leers at the barmaids and really any girl that comes within 10 feet of him is not safe as he will instantly latch onto her and attempt to chat her up using cheesy old lines and generally feeling her up.
He has caused more than one argument in the pub, and is generally disliked by everyone, though not enough usually to incite anything physical which would definitely get him banned.

and besides all this, he genuinely believes himself to be an amazing rapper even though he can barely string a sentence together with a decent rhythm, and is just generally loud and annoying, talking shit and being an arse...

not trying to influence you here, make up your own mind, but this is my experience of the weird creature called Roy ;)

c.u.later
(C.u.Later, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 23:53, Reply)

IT Support...
I have so many stories from so many different jobs but my personal favorite as a dept manager - Call passed to me from a chap who has a faulty modem in his PC

I want it repaired.

Yes thats all well and good Sir but its 5 years old

Well I only started using it a year ago

Yes but you bought it 5 years ago

Well its only had 12 months use

goes on for a bit with me saying no go away
I'm never going to use your company again
Good I suggest you find a company that offers a free 5 year warranty on their machines next time

The other favorite was:

'how much am I paying for this call, I want a compensation for calling you, I've been waiting in your Queue 20 minutes to speak to someone'

Well firstly I can see the average wait time is 5 minutes, and secondly this is a freephone number Sir so actually we are paying for you to call us.

Or the time I worked for Dixons in a high street store which happened to have a Curry's next door for many years before the Currys closed. For the uninitated at the time Currys sold everything Dixons did plus 'white' goods i.e stuff for the Kitchen which Dixons didn't do and despite being the same company didn't handle after sales support for as that arm of the company just didnt sell the stuff - Months of people comming in

'I bought a deep fat fryer from here 6 months ago and I want a refund as its faulty' -

Er No you didn't

Yes I did are you calling me liar?

No Sir, its just in the 3 years i've worked here and in fact in the entire history of the company I can safely say we have never sold Deep Fat Fryers..

You're trying to rip me off , Im going to trading standards... sales of goods act.. grumble..grumble....

Are you sure you didnt buy it from Currys when it was next door Sir..

Ermmm..er....

Maybe more stories later as I have so many - Its the reason I never shout and if I have a complaint am always polite when dealing with shop staff and call center staff. Call Centre staff in particular are always more helpful when you tell them you work in one yourself (although I havent for many years)
(Titanix, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 23:42, Reply)

Hello, ambulance service. How can I help you be a fucknut today?
Some complaints that in my career I have been in contact with or had related to me:

* Woman who was wondering if the ambulances cannot use their sirens when passing her house at the end of her street when she was on night shifts.

* Man who complained that the noise the ambulance heaters made was too loud.

* Woman who complained that her boyfriend's clothes had been "ruined" by the ambulance crew who "allowed him" to vomit over them when pissed.

* Bloke who complained that we did not come out when he phoned up to order some antibiotics.

* Bloke who complained about the fact that an ambulance crew were drinking tea outside a hospital when "I pay my taxes for them to be working. They're public servants." Knobber.

* A complaint about an ambulance car being parked on an estate on standby (waiting for a call.) Complaint is mainly due to the fact that the engine is running and "increasing pollution and the estate's carbon footprint."

* Woman complained because an ambulance was blocking a road when she needed to go to work (turns out it was because of a fatal RTC involving a 15 year old lad.) When she told the crew to move, they told her no, and to go away.

* Woman complained after demanding full names and home addresses of ambulance crew, who refused to give them!

* Complainant states that call taker took too long to identify where they were, despite the fact the caller did not know the address, postcode or area they were in, and were calling from a mobile. States that the call taker should "know every road that they cover, like cabbies do."

*Complainant states that "JS and S" at (an ambulance station)y have been humiliating her and her son and the local shop keepers. She also states that they have ordered goods for £500 on her account for Littlewoods catalogue. (It should be noted that staff records reveal that no staff of those names work at that station or for the service.)

Fuckwits, the lot of them!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 4 Sep 2008, 23:40, 2 replies)

Pubs..........
I used to work in this pub some time last year, and it was one of them "mainly-old-people-getting-pissed-at-10-a-m" sort of places.

Well the same guy came in (allready drunk at about 9am) and proceeded his normal day. I was behind the bar for the day. After a while he bought some people some drinks, and said he'd pay later.........well half an hour went by and still no payment, so when i asked, "I'm sorry mate, but its been a while and i need to ring the money into the til, could i ask you to pay for this coke you've bought for some persons kids", i got "OI, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKIN' SAYIN MATE, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FUCKIN MONEY YOU BASTARD, HERES £500 ......... " .

From when he said, "...HERES £500" , He proceeded to throw his wallet at me behind the bar and refuse to be served by me, and there-fore barred himself in doing so.

PRICK!!

Girth?
(Da[]\[][]\[]Y Well.....That was nice, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 23:29, Reply)