boyfriend's experiences
aged around 11, he was in a car crash. Though it was quite a nasty one, he was generally ok, but for three of his top front teeth getting buried in his cheek via his gums. ow ow ow. he has the most fantastic scars (subtle, but there, was a long time ago after all) - one under his left eye where they had to pull the teeth out of his cheek, and another one running down his cheek from under his right eye from where his face was mashed a bit.

Now, to solve this lack-of-teeth issue, his dentist decided on a bridge across his front left tooth across to the right lateral, i think it's called. This meant he is left with a perfect, straight, dazzling top row. Place that in a smile which even my mother terms as 'spectacular' (I would call it a 'shit-eating grin' myself, makes a lot of people, boys and girls, wobbly at the knees but he genuinely has no idea how to use it...bless) However, despite his protestations that South African dentistry is among the best in the world, i have a small point to make.

The bottom row of his teeth SUCK. They are wobbly, chipped and out of keeping with the top row. The dentist, obviously quite proud of the top row, decided to stop there. Small mercy, they are the same colour.

But dammit, it looks sexy. It's quite odd.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Orthodontic purgatory
I used to have horrid teeth. Due to a thumb sucking habit, the two front ones stuck out and had a gap between them that you could could insert a pound coin in. I could eat an apple through a tennis racket. I also had, thanks to genetics, a bit of an overbite (cheers, mum).

Obligatory orthodontic treatment commenced from the age of twelve. Looking at my overbite, consideration was given to breaking my jaw and resetting it, something that would have involved 5 weeks of pain. However, my bastard cunty dentist instead decided to fit me with the most humiliating and medieval set of braces known to man.

Fitted top and bottom, half an inch thick in both cases, they had big plastic fangs that protruded up and down and made it impossible for me to close my mouth without pulling my jaw forward. This resulted in me looking like the missing link, talking like I had Down's Syndrome and causing children to cry and run away at the sight of the inside of my mouth. For EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS.

Following that, to sort my teeth out I got the bog-standard railway track braces, complete with gaily coloured rubber bands, some horrifying lump of metal in the roof of my mouth called a "quadhelix" (Christ alone knows what that was for) and headgear to wear at night which consisted of a skullcap and sticky-out bars of metal that hooked onto the brace and curved round to the back of my head. This caused me to drool.

The result? Finally, when I was nearly 16, nice teeth on the top, rubbish teeth on the bottom (they overcrowded them) and a jaw that has been slowly, sneakily receding back ever since.

And that is why, despite being a girl, prior to the age of 16, I had no experience to relate to last week's QOTW.

Length? I'd've cut it to ribbons.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:48, Reply)

I don't like dentists
First time poster, long time looker

Two stories (both probably a bit crap)

1) My first proper memory of going to the Dentist involved me with toothache (what where the odds?). The dentist was an evil Hungarian lady, who calmly sat me on the chair, took a look and said "Ah yes, I see what the problem is". No sooner had she said it, however, she was straight in with the pliers and yanked the tooth out- no warning, no anaesthetic, not even that numbing gel you get from time to time. Needless to say, it really set me back for all my future dental visits.

2) Skip a few years later and yet another tooth needs to come out (although I knew that before I got there). Complete nervous wreck, so have to have it out under general anaeasthetic. GP has also prescribed Valium to take the edge off. So go in, Valium is in effect, aneasthetic gets administered and off I doze.
10 minutes later, wake up to see a very angry Mum (my mum) telling me to hurry up and get a move on. "What's up?" I slur. "I'm so embarassed; I'm never taking you to the Dentist again". Turns out that even doped on on Valium and just going under the anaesthetic, it took the Dentist, the aneasthetist and the assistant to hold me down because I was struggling so much.

At least that was the story they told me to explain the patch of blood on the arse of my jeans.


I was going to write a double-entendre here, but I've decided not to give you one...

Apologies, but the length is also the girth
(the man from la mancha, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:43, Reply)

My dentist
was called David Entist.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Yet more Wisdom teeth fun.
Night before Wisdom teeth out I go out to a restaurant with Hubbly Bubbly's (ie sit around after food drinking and smoke flavoured tabco)

next day had operation.

spent next 4 hours after op throwing up "yellow"

Apparently the stuff they gave me to knock me out was nicotine based, and I'd just spent the night before smoking ALOT.
That was fun

length girth and swolen face
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:35, Reply)

South African Hygienist
I was moaned at by some bitch of a dental hygienist a few years back for having a bit of plaque round my teeth. (it was 2pm and I'd just eaten lunch and had no time to clean my teeth)
I tell you, I've not had a ticking off that demeaning and severe since Primary School, hence my reaction...

CH "Err how old do I look to you?"
Her "What does it matter?"
CH "Only last time I checked I wasnt a child anymore, so I'd be grateful if you didnt patronise me like one, otherwise I will take that electric brush and shove it up your nostril so far they'll have to drill it out CLEAR?"

She look taken aback, the manky old harridan, but she shut up, finished the job and I left without another word.

I'll take crap from a dentist, but hygienists are like fucking cleaning staff for your gob.
(LunarJim, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:32, Reply)

watch out you are in the TA
for a 'dentist' from Blackpool called Mike.
I lived with a bunch of dental students who were all very cool except this twit. He is the kind of dentist that gives people lifetime traumas. Let's paint a picture - overly tense, macho, a psychotic bully and a user of body building powders in his milk (oh yes). And no sense of humour at all.

If you are in the Territorials watch out because this piece of work was big in the Officer Training Core and so may now be your weekend boss, as well as a 'field dentist' (stifles giggles). But seriously, you may go in for a check up and find this guy's prick in your mouth, he's the most repressed person I've ever seen.

In fact you're probably safe as I expect he's now working at Abu Grahib or somewhere similar - 'Is it safe?'

God I hated that guy.
(bloodyHassocks, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:25, Reply)

It's a gas...
Mrs Slicker's mum was knocked out using nitrous - when she woke up she asked
'Is it a boy or a girl?'
Dentist: "No, Mrs Slicker's mum, it's a tooth."
(Countryslicker, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Nerves, steel etc.
I needed a root canal but being short on cash I went to the local dental college for the work. It was also the day my divorce was final, so I felt it apt. Imagine the height of eyebrow when I arrive to find ex-Mr. also at the dental college, also for a root canal. I advised my dentist-in-training that me and the ex were celebrating our divorce with root canals all 'round. He must have found it amusing and diverting, because it took him seven tries to dig the exposed nerve out of the root. How we laughed.
(socialised_medicine quietly returns to Saskatchewan for Lurkfest 2007, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:08, Reply)

Dentists
Saw this years ago.

Explains my fear of dentists quite nicely.



( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 11:02, Reply)

Orin Scrivello (DDS)
When I was younger, just a bad little kid,
My momma noticed funny things I did,
Like Shooting puppies with a BB Gun
I\'d Poison Guppys and when I was done,
I\'d find a pussy cat and bash in it\'s head.
That\'s when my momma said
(what did she say)
She said my boy I think someday
You\'ll find a way, to make your natural tendencies pay.

Son, be a dentist, you have a talent for causing things pain!
Son, be a dentist, people will pay you to be inhumane.
Your temperments\' wron for the preisthood
And teaching would suit you still less!
Son, be a dentist - you\'ll be a success!

Dentists\' Sadistic barstewards, the lot of them!

About ten years ago I went to the NHS dentist with a really bad toothache, dentist (By the name of Dr. Kaspera) examined my mouth, found that I\'d gotten a hole through one of my molars and he decided I needed it removed. Fine I thought so a week later I go back to see the same dentist, puts me under local through a very painful injection and proceeds to pull the tooth out, the WRONG tooth out. Unbeknownst to me and assuming all was well, I went on my merry way home. When the local wore off I was left in excruciating pain. I went back the following day and this is what he had to say, and I quote.
\"Ah, i seem to have pulled the wrong tooth out, never mind I\'ll get the little bugger this time.\"
At which point I freaked, ran out of the surgery, closely followed by my mother. She decided to take me to another (non NHS) dentist who promptly filled the hole and I was on my way. Since then I have never been back, never had toothache and never needed to see a dentist.

Sadistic bastards the lot of them!!!!
(tehmattmonster Board Sig, Board Sig? I'll give you a Board Sig!, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:58, Reply)

Drilling
I was sitting in the dentist's chair waiting for him to come. In the meantime, his stunning assistant came in and told me he'd just be a few minutes.

She reclined the seat and started to potter about with some instruments, allowing me to gaze at the miracle of nature that was her arse, sheathed tight in her white coat with no visible evidence of underwear beneath. I started to feel a boner twitching netherwards.

She turned around and I noticed that her white smock had quite a few buttons undone, revealing a fulsome cleavage spilling from a black bra. Her big brown eyes twinkled at me and my member reached maximum hardness.

That's when she she started to undo the rest of the buttons while maintaining eye contact. As I'd thought, she was wearing no panties and had clearly undergone a recent wax. "Let me help you you," she said while undoing my trousers and releasing my urgent schlong into her cool hand.

"I think you've got some swelling here," she said, squeezing the hot flesh. "I'm going to have to release the pressure."

And with this, she climbed up on top of me and inserted the throbbing bulb into her drenched hole, sliding down its length to impale herself fully. I placed my hands on her hips and she rode me slowly at first, slipping back and forth onto my length with her lips parted and eyes closed.

The momentum built and soon she was writhing madly on my pole, grinding it rhythmically into her depths. Then she closed her eyes in rapt passion, let forth a moan from some primitive place and slammed down deep at the exact moment I pulsed my load volcanically into her scorching grasp.

In a flash, she handed me a wad of tissues and tripped away, doing up her buttons. Dazed, I packed my tackle back and awaited the dentist with the physical memory of her enclasping lips around the base of my cock.

When the dentist finally arrived, I quipped, "Nice assistant you have!" To which he relplied:

"I'm afraid I have no assistant. She resigned this morning, so we'll have to get by as best we can, eh?"
(frankspencer, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Upper Canines
I have no Canines of the Upper persuasion. My milk teeth are too strong sothe Upper C's couldn't push their way through. This would have resulted in them moving to the front of my mouth and pushing out my front teeth, cue Nosferatu face!
To combat this the bastards knocked me out, removed the roof of my mouth, took me teeth, then stitched up the roof again using stitches that protruded between my teeth and were tied in knots so they couldn't move. I looked like a freak.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:47, Reply)

Bite down.
I have slight prognathism (look it up) , consequently, I have trouble opening my mouth very wide as it starts cramp in my jaw - my dentist was pressing some cement crap into my back molar and said 'When i say bite down ..' In my agony all i heard was 'bite down' . So I did. Hard. Next thing he was mumbling 'bastard, bastard ' whilst holding his bleeding finger under the tap.
(flibbley lame balloon man far and wee, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:46, Reply)

My dentist by stevio aged 13
8 years ago (when i was 13), I was due to have my first tooth out. Already having an intense fear of dentists, and given that our particular dentist was a money grabbing barsteward, I was not looking forward to the experience.

Arrive at the dentist with mon pere who was trying to calm me down. After entering the Laboratory I decided that I didnt like the idea of having my tooth out. Grabbed the first thing I thought would help me, turned out to be the radiator.

Cue my dad and the dentist with one leg each trying to prise me off said radiator. After about 5 minutes of screaming and crying by me, still held on to the radiator in mid air there was a creak.

All of a sudden all 3 of us were on the other side of the room, radiator still in my hands and water gushing all over the floor. boy was I in trouble for weeks!

Still, had tooth out a few weeks later by the gas treatment, never felt a thing.

Secondly, due to small jaw syndrome, I had to have 16 teeth out in sets of 4. Gas chamber all the way for those bad boys, looked like a clown for 2 months with tampons stuck out my mouth to stem the blood flow, only to find out that a week after my last treatment the dentist lost a fair part of his drill down some girls throat.

Needless to say I didnt go back and have an even bigger fear of dentists to this day.

Pologies for length.
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:32, Reply)

You bastards.
Only read 3 stories and already my teeth ache.
( bierbelly, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:22, Reply)

Why not just give me an hour appointment?
Sorry this is a bit long

A couple of years ago while at uni I developed an intense pain in my mouth, I did what all sensible people would do, I took painkillers and ignored it. After a few weeks of nagging by my gf the final straw came when one whole side of my face swelled up massively - I looked like I was related to the elephant man. So I trotted off to the dentists who told me that he couldn't do anything because the swelling was too bad, he prescribed me antibiotics and sent me on my way. A few weeks later after clearing out the local Tesco’s painkiller aisle I was back. He informed me that I had two abscesses in my mouth, one on each side, and scheduled me for an appointment the following week.

This is where the bad started to happen.

He had decided to give me two root canal jobs ( for the people that don't know this means drilling out all of the inside of the tooth down to the root and stuffing it with fillings), which was fair enough I thought. But rather than sort them out in one or two sessions he decided that he would schedule me a twenty minute session every two weeks till the end of time. Each session he would inject me a few times with anesthetic in the roof of my normally ( that am the nasty ) , pick one of the teeth at random and start drilling for about ten minutes then fill the hole up again with temporary filling and top up the other one. The problem with this was that the temporary stuff tended to wear out in about a week so I was left with the shell of a tooth for the next. After a while he started to bore out my roots with what looked like a miniature torture kit, and started to stop giving me anesthetic because there wasn’t time.
Bastard.
At around this time the inevitable happened and one of my teeth got a lump of food in (once the temporary stuff had worn down) and broke, I heard a crunch opened my mouth and a lump of tooth the size of my thumbnail came out of my mouth, I nearly shat. I rang up and they told me not to worry and to come in when I was scheduled to. So I turned up and he gave me the rare grace of anesthetic and then told the nurse to hold me down at which point he just pulled out the tooth that hadn’t broken. I was stunned I went home and prepared myself for the next appointment. When I turned up he told me that the broken tooth was too bad to save now and needed to come out. So in go the needles and out came the pliers, the problem was that the tooth was too weak now to come out in one so he kept just puling bits and pieces out. So out comes the drill and goes down the hole where the top of my tooth was to drill the roots apart. Then out comes what I swear were heavy duty wire snips and with a soul shuddering snap he cuts the roots apart, which he pulled apart with needle nose pliers.

I now have two gaps in my mouth, and am too scared to go and get something done about them.
(iamthedave, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:16, Reply)

four pretty nurses
I was thirteen and due to have four teeth out, it was the first time I had an injection rather than gas. The dentist rammed a needle straight into the bone in the bone in the top of my mouth I jumped and he squirted the noxious liquid down my throat. Cue several more excruciating injections by the butcher.

I then went to the waiting room to wait for the anesthetic to work. Unfortunatly I had a nasty reaction to whatever it was he had given me. I ended up passing out in a packed waiting room. I started to wake up with my farther and four very pretty dental assistants trying in vain to lift me up (I was 6 foot 3 and weighed around 14 stone)

The dentist then presented me with the option of getting the teeth pulled or coming back to repeat the process in a weeks time.

I reluctantly opted for the first option and didnt return to a dentist for another ten years!
(barronshark, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:08, Reply)

Not me but a mate ...
A friend of mine's dentist is called Dr Payne. How very fitting.
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 10:05, Reply)

Don't shag your dentist's missus
There's this dentist, who we'll call Jim. Many years ago, a certain bloke named Bob shagged Jim's wife.

Fast forward a bit, and Bob's getting some dental treatment from Jim. He was sitting there, mouth open, and Jim was standing over him with a variety of fearsome dental implements and said quietly, "I believe you have slept with my wife."

Bob at this point grabbed Jim by the nads, and so a kind of stalemate ensued.

Turns out everything was OK in the end, as Jim and his missus had an open relationship and he was just winding Bob up. But I wouldn't have liked to have been in his position.

This is a true story, but names have been changed to protect the innocent (i.e. me!)

Length? Bob's renowned for it, apparently.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 9:35, Reply)

Apeloverage
I used to think he was Ross Noble - well known for his prediliction for 'monkey love', also from the North East...perhaps he's his cheeky little brother - or more likely, bitter and twisted elder brother!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 9:28, Reply)

Dentists - no problem
When I was a lad I had no fear of the dentist, and still don't. However, I used to scream the place down when my mum took me to have a haircut, possibly because the local barber was liable to cause me more pain by nicking skin with his razor (no AIDS in those days thankfully!), and tugging with his comb at my tousled mop.

Ironically I now have short, neat hair (most of it's still in place) but pretty awful teeth. Some are missing, some are squint, three are crowned, I've got gum abscesses and dozens of fillings.

Develop a healthy dislike for your dentist - it'll help your teeth in the long run!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 9:24, Reply)

It just occurred to me...
Is apeloverage actually Jimmy Carr?
(kevon45uk, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:55, Reply)

Needlephobic ex
I hope this comes out as funny as it was at the time.

One of my ex's has a severe needle phobia. So much so that even in her mid-20's, the usual method for her to have fillings was to get knocked out with gas. Hardly ideal, and generally frowned upon. Also, due to her weight it had other health issues.

So one day, she was told "no more". She needed a rotting tooth removed and the dentist told her she'd have to have an injection. Even at the thought she went green. The told her they'd drug her instead - using some kind of Opiate.

I volunteered to take her to the dentist's and her mum would collect her afterwards. It took a while to get her in, but finally she sat in the waiting room and then we were called in.

To start with, they put one of those big needled into the back of her hand. At least she could look away from that. Once that was in, a doctor arrived with a syringe full of milky-looking stuff. This he injected into her via the needle in her hand.

Ten minutes later she was fucking wasted.

It was like she'd gone through a bottle of white wine on an empty stomach. Complete regression to 5 year-old status. Giggling, pointing, laughing and unable to walk.

We got her onto the dentist's chair and he asker her to open her mouth so he could inject her gums. She clenched her mouth and shook her head. "OK, I'll pinch her nose and when she needs to breathe, we'll get the needle in."

At this she just popped her mouth open and went "BLAAAAAAAHHHH!" drooling everywhere.

10 minutes later, the gum was numb. The pliers went in. The tooth came out.

5 minutes after that, she was telling the nurse that there were four of me, that they all smelled of poo and when was the dentist going to take her tooth out?

Her mum had fun with her back home. It took a few hours for her to come down, and she kept trying to walk upstairs by herself whenever her mum turned her back.

Apologies for length, but even being hung like a donkey and knowing what to do with it didn't stop my most recent ex dumping me for a fucking lawyer.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:55, Reply)

Dentists, dentists... bloody dentists
I am terrified of dentists. I was one of those unlucky kids who had a dodgy dentist in the seventies. The ones who did stuff because they got paid loads by the NHS or someone for every filling etc. He even told my mum that I had too many teeth and he needed to take a few out! How fucked is that!

Then after avoiding dentists for years in my mid twenties I went to my dentist and he gave me seven fillings in one hour session. When he'd finished he towered over me as I lay whimpering in the chair and said:

'That will teach you to visit the dentist more often.'

Bastard.

So I avoided dentists for another million years until recently, now aged 39, I was on my honeymoon in New York and the most unbeleivable toothache came on. I couldn't even talk. My wife arranged me an emergency appointment at a NY dentist. Amazing. They have TV and everything. The dento was great. He drawled in his NY accent that 'your tooth is rotten to the bone. Rotten to the bone. You have to have it out.' He couldn't take it out though as our travel insurance didn't cover it. I paid them fifty dollars, they gave me antibiotics and mega pain-killers.

Back in Blighty I went to a dentist, in Hackney, and a really sweet Russian guy removed the tooth, practically painlessly and sorted some other stuff out. He explained every detail and although it cost some things are a lot better. The worst bit was seeing the dental hygenist who cleaned my teeth, industrial-wise. I've still got stuff needs doing but I will get it done when I can afford it again.

Sorry for the length and boredom of this post but I had to get it out. The point is: Take care of your teeth. Go private if you can and as an adult you find that dentists aren't that bad really.
(kevon45uk, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:50, Reply)

Vietnamese Dentists
By this I mean the ones in Vietnam itself. I was in Hanoi a couple of months ago and got "lost" wandering around the Old Quarter. Hanoi, historically, has streets filled with traders of the same type and the streets are named similarly.

For instance there's Lantern Street, Mechanic Street, Kitchenware Street, Conical Hat Street and so on (in Vietnamese, obviously).

There is also - I found - Dentist Street. Every building for about 200 yards was either a dentist or a pharmacy. But this isn't the best bit. Each surgery had a nice plate glass window at the front, letting the light in. Not into the waiting room. Into the surgery.

As you walk up the street you see people having dental treatment done. Everything from checkups to polishing to extractions.

Try as I might, I couldn't find Gynacologist Street. Dammit.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:47, Reply)

Dodgy bastard
I'm lucky that my current dentist back home is one of my old school mates. So if he fucks up, I know where he lives.

My first dentist was a dodgy character, though. Every week, he had a clinic where kids were sat down, anaesthatised with gas (now regarded as bloody risky) and had various baby teeth removed.

Personally, I had about 8+ teeth removed by this guy. All fine and hunky dory. Knockout gas, wakey-wakey, blood everywhere, sweeties from mum for being brave.

We found out after we moved away that he was taken to court and stripped of his license to practice. It turns out that about 75% of the extractions he did weren't required - he was doing them as he got a cash handout from the NHS for each one.

Fucker.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:43, Reply)

Laughing gas
I had a very nice dentist. He was Irish. He did a crown for me, and while I was under the influence of the gas anaesthetic I became convinced that he was Eddie Jordan, the Formula One boss. I also became convinced that his assistant, Jane, was Jane the receptionist where I worked. This was very confusing.

Nitrous Oxide - it's the future.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:28, Reply)

Dentists are cruel bastards
FACT
When I was a kid I used to go to the school dentist. He came to the school in a caravan type thing. When I used to get fillings he used to do it without anaesthetic. He would ask me to raise my right arm when it was getting sore. The twat would lean against my arm so I could not raise it. Hence a quick painfull session.

I also got my wisdom teeth out when I was about 21. My dentist pulled them out and took a bit of jaw bone with it. He then delighted in explaining what the shard of bone he removed was.

I have no fear of dentists though.
(Nob Holeness Blockbuster madness, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:24, Reply)

Legion1978
His name wasn't Chris Lowe was it (at a practice in Crewe)?

The hare-lipped dwarf also butchered my mouth, leaving me in excrutiating pain and unable to eat properly for weeks, and would mutter obsceneties under his breath about how poorly I was looking after my brace every time I saw him. I still have heavy scarring in my mouth from his 'work'.

Discovered a way around it in the end though - I used to manually slacken off the elastic, and it didn't seem to make any difference.

The guy also smelt really strongly of honey for some reason, which has more or less put me off the stuff for life.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 8:10, Reply)