Just the once
Husband's mobile a few years back. And it was accidental as I was looking for a number of a friend that I knew he'd rung the previous day. Didn't realise he'd rung another "friend" so many times who he claimed not to have communicated with since I found out the last time...

Now I don't go near his personal stuff. Wouldn't dream of reading his e-mail or seeing who was on his phone. Some people aren't capable of being faithful and I accept that now, I prefer to stay ignorant. I also believe that despite his constant wandering he is still entitled to his dignity and privacy.
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Sat 3 Feb 2007, 22:33, Reply)

I'm going to hell... I was a fucking jizzface.
I read Teh Daily Mail once, didn't mean to, didn't intend to, and didn't want to. Spur of the moment thing... I'm so sorry. But I de-eye-ified myself with a rusty spoon just to get over the guilt. Also did a fun university presentation/rant on how evil the dirty shit of a paper is.
(Dan of the Crippled Nipples, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 19:05, Reply)

Threesome
A few weeks ago, a few of my friends from work got together to play some poker, drink some booze and the rest.

So the nights going normally, except one guy is just way too high and drunk to leave...he drove to the house and there was no way he was driving home. So the guy who was hosting (Nick) offered for him to stay the night.

The next week a few of us stumble over Nick's girlfriend's Livejournal...which goes into very graphic detail about the night after the rest of us left, including her fulfilling a fantasy of having 2 guys - both guys that I work with.

Since then...it's been tough to look at both of them the same way. I'm not sure how they get on at work these days. Maybe they're even closer?
(silver10, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 17:37, Reply)

Work emails
Seem to be a pretty common thing here, but I still need to add my story.

My last work werent exactly good with security, and neither were my colleagues (even though the work involved maintaining a website)

When finding out I could get access to some email and stuff, I got quite interested in one colleague.

She was having this "sexual" fling with a guy over the internet and all of the dirty sordid details were on her computer. Naked pictures she had sent to him (and some other guys), various emails but worst of all were some saved IM conversations.
See, she used to use IM during work hours, and one saved conversation was him saying how he loved to tell her to go to the toilet and make herself cum.

I couldnt really look her in the eye after seeing the naked pictures and never used the toilet after her either.

My advice is just don't do it, you'll probably see things that will haunt you forever.
(kaedesmith, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 17:29, Reply)

Yay! B3TA!!
I love this site!
(abignumber, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Does it count if they read it to you?
Mrs. God used to keep a diary. These days I keep her too busy to write in it... but this story comes from when we'd only just started seeing each other.

Anyway, we had a couple of hiccups before embarking on life's journey together. She'd decided to break things off, I'd written an email that clearly tugged at her heartstrings, and we'd got back together. So, we're on the phone (yaay for Telewest's free calls tariff!).

I asked her what happened, and she agreed to quote from the relevant section of her diary. And she began reading nice things about how lovely I am, how I was a real gentleman, always opening doors and stuff, but somehow she thought it wasn't going to work. There she stopped.

"Shame," quoth I, unable to resist, "as he's got a massive cock!"

There was an embarrassed silence at the other end of the phone. I apologised. Profusely.

Then she murmured the words I'd been longing to hear: "Actually, that *is* what it says. I wondered how you knew."

We're together to this day.

Length? Girth? Let's face it, it's integral to the story, and clearly quite satisfying.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 14:52, Reply)

I felt so... filthy...
Somewhere like "Caught wanking to donkey pr0n" filthy...

Anyway, Mrs. God bought me a DS for my birthday (it's in a few days time, but she wanted someone to play Mario DS against...).

So we got my DS. It's cool. It's the bestest gadget evar, since my iPod. I love it to bits. Er, the thing I shouldn't have read? Well, it's like this. I've worked in IT for years now. There's countries whose entire history is shorter than my CV. Kids younger than my career in IT are now failing their 11+, or whatever the newfangled educational nonsense currently ladled out in schools is called.

Oh, yeah, the point. Well, to my eternal shame, after unwrapping my DS... I... read the instructions. "Ashamed" doesn't go half far enough.

Please, help me purge these horrible feelings... click the "I like this" link. As many times as you can, but even once would help ease the pain...

Edit: Great. Just to make me feel *even worse*, this is supposed to be about diaries. Looks like I *should* have read the QOTW properly, too. I'm even more ashamed :(
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 14:44, Reply)

East Anglia Not Dull
Recently used my flatmate's computer where the auto-correct option in google came up with "gay men" as I typed the letter g so I went through the alphabet hoping for more but nada.

In the 90's I left my home town to work for the same company in a city in East Anglia. Coming from the bright lights of Birmingham, I thought this place was deadly dull unless you're a student and it is but if you know where the fun is to be had, it's not too bad.

The office I worked in had been upgraded and everyone now had a personal computer instead of a stand-alone, alas computer security was a bit lax. I'd been given the password to one from a girl who'd left after the break up of her marriage and hadn't used it much except when my boss would ask for correspondence relating to old cases.

One day being bored, I logged on as her and started deleting some of the hundreds of emails she'd left so that I could find the relevant ones easily and got to one which made me look twice at these emails. Her cousin had started temping in the office and had been working as the PA to another manager who I'd known from the office in Birmingham. He was now married and his wife also worked in that office.

The emails between cousins related to:

- where cousin and married man had gone out
- where they'd had sex (office, her car in the outside carpark, toilets {men, womens, pubs and disabled}, desks, chairs, kitchen area, football pitch behind the office, dug-out, underground car park on his bonnet
- whether she'd spat or swallowed (both)
- descriptions of sexual positions (a variety)

So instead of learning a new job, I spent days reading the emails of an affair that had begun a few months before I'd arrived. It all made sense why they were so pally, always going for cigarettes together, conversations stopping as soon as you joined them etc etc(I was naive).

Anyway, I went back to Brum for a week and came back to find out that all hell had broken loose. Someone else had had access to her password and found one of the emails and printed a choice few leaving them around the office. Temp was sacked, marriage broken up, ex-colleague's name was mud for not saying anthing. The office was a hive of energy for a few weeks and an interrogation ensued by my boss. Luckily I had been away and as the new girl I was more or less exempt.

Recently met my old boss from that job and we got talking about the old days and she confessed it was her who had grassed them up. She'd gone in and seen the emails which now that there were fewer in the in-box were easily noticeable amongst the policy headed one, had read those in the outbox and took some pleasure in wreaking havoc. Unknown to me, she'd always hated ex-colleague who was a bit prettier, knew it, used it to get the man and a grand pay rise.

I also used to read my sister's diary, knew the day she lost her virginity to a bf who had a small cock (her words). Could never look at him in the same way and neither could she as she ended it soon after the event.
(Brumdee, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 13:25, Reply)

not so much a diary (similar to mrjed)
Just read Legless 2.0, MIMESweeper is an strong mail filter, mostly boring, and not much to look at mostly, but holds some pearls, but it holds lots, again mostly swearing e.t.c.

Yes Mrjed, interesting what you spot when you put in mail filters and proxy servers (do it for a living)

found the usual email affair/exchanges, too common spotting flirting via email.

Nothing too specific to report, but you are the all seeing eye/diary snoop for a while, DONT use work emails for personal sending in a place with more than 100+ they're gonna have active monitoring, and retention, unless they're stoopid, the Admin will know but keep quiet (mostly) unless forced by a director.

Spotted excessive use of Gaydar via a proxy a while ago after 6pm over time by someone who hadn't outed as far as i was aware, had name, desk, time spent, pages accessed, details submitted, the works, DONT do it, the guy you hate in the top office legally owns all the equipment, they are obliged to put everything you do under surveillance if they want (and often do)

That said, there are ways of circumnavigating the content filters ;)
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 12:52, Reply)

Not My Brothers Keeper
My brother kept a diary in the early 90's. At the time he was seeing some average chunky goth girl. When he was out, I popped into his room to find this book in there. A typical entry would read "Good shag. O, 69, etc. Spunked in her. Kicked her out and went to work." Charming. No wonder she dumped him. Following entries, when he was unemployed, would read.. "Got up at 11... had 6 hour wank, stopped because people would be coming back from work."

Later on, he hacked into my email account because an ex had asked him to. Unsurprisingly, the fact that someone may have a boyfriend (even if that boyfriend happens to be his own brother), is no impediment to him trying to get them to go to bed with him.

Luckily, he's the Evil Twin.
(retroboy, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Best friends are shite at being friends!
Me and the ex misses had been going out for 3 years until the inevitable split. Due to circumstances (contracted to stay in a house share) we had to live together.
All was going well until she started to go out, which was fine. The curious part was that every time she was out my best mate was impossible to get hold of. At first I put it down to coincidence. I kidded myself for a month before I asked them about it, when I was told not to be stupid and they would never do that.
But it kept happening, so one day I gained "access" to her email account. Where I found what I expected. Emails detailing everything that had happened during and after we were going out.
I didn't say that I knew. But every time I went on the lash ,while still in the house share, on the way home I would stop at his house. Where I few stones at his windows (until i smashed one), stole his clothes that were drying and put them on the road, write various swear words
on his patio and pull up his flowers and plants.
However petty my acts were im still not sorry.......or ashamed.
( King_Eric has been ok since, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 9:32, Reply)

Emails
I shouldnt post this but hey, Im a systems admin for a company and have access to the email filter.

I've recently seen a love blossom. It went from a guy telling another colleague he thought she was hot to a month later saying how he was going to stick things in her... I found it really interesting until they started sending pics and I discovered she was a munter.

I've other stories for the same reason. Including a guy whos registered his work address to a chubby chaser online dating website...
(mrjed, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 9:10, Reply)

such a bad mother
...yep, read the 13 year old daughter's diary - she'd been a right cow for weeks...

Turned green at the graphic description she'd written about her and some spotty little horn-bag she'd allowed to cop a feel during her lunch break on the field....

Bless her heart, she even had a picture of exactly what went on.....no sex, just lots of hand stuff....*shudder*

Still recovering...
(pix e, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 6:44, Reply)

I read Bobby Fischer's diary
to find that he was gay! I've never heard of anyone so obsessed with queens' openings.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 5:11, Reply)

I was bad - i broke company protocol
Probably the worst thing, was when i was involved with someone who got me a job at an architectural firm. We broke up about a year after and i was distraught. I wanted to know why my now ex-girlfriend wanted to end it. I figured out her email password and for about a week, i was reading her emails at work. Unfortunately, she deleted everything she sent, and the only emails i could read were what was sent to her (the remainder of her previous email was in the email).

Sadly not much was gleened, but it was a sobering experience into a mind that was totally wrecked (mine).
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 2:38, Reply)

Not accidently read, but heard...
I hope I don't make you all paranoid, but when you go to hospital, all your dirty little secrets come out. If you have to have some surgical procedure that involves sedation, decline the drugs politely. All your inhibitions go AWOL and you blab your guts out to anyone standing there. The stuff people have talked about waiting to be wheeled into the operating theatre would turn your hair white.

Affairs, childhood sexual abuse, crushes, cheating on taxes, thefts, secret abortions, what you want to do to the cute doc or hunky nurse.....all this and more.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 1:46, Reply)

Short and sweet...
A former (thank God) friend of mine left her diary sitting out one day when I was over. Took a peek at it. Typical preteen girl fare, going on about the "hard eyes" of a boy she liked. No big deal, I thought.
Until I noticed that "eyes" was in quotation marks every time it popped up.

Unfortunately for the poor dear, I am a massive pervert.
So is her mother.
Sometimes I wonder if she's still grounded.

Length? Well, it /is/ my first time...
(Fnooklemop, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 1:38, Reply)

One summer i worked in a nice bar in the Central Station area of Newcastle, where i was unfortunate to encounter the most incompetent, lazy-arsed, racist, sexist twunt of a manager ever. No-one could stand him, least of all me.

Upon revealing some of my (ahem) issues with the owners of the venue they casually mentioned there was nothing they could do unless "someone" was to keep a diary of all his indiscretions, along with time and date of said indiscretion (apparently he wasnt all too popular with the owners either).

And so i began, sneaking off to the toilet to document each time he stepped out of line, making the effort to deipher my notes into a nice A4 pad when i was left on the bar on my own. After a week or two, and several career jeopardising "incidents" on his part, he caught me updating my notes behind the bar and demanded to see what i had been writing.....

I dutifully handed him the paper and stood with a large grin on my face as he first went bright red, then a nice shade of angry purple, then a pale pale (oh so pale) white and broke down in the way a man facing a firing squad might.

I got fired on the spot, then was given my job back after i threatened legal action, only to be asked politley by the owners to accept a transfer to a different venue.

Not really reading by accident in the strictest sense, it was an accident i got caught but at that point i just thought "fuck it".


Length? Not too long, he lasted another two weeks before getting fired after being arrested in the bar whilst on duty for having assaulted me in front of all his staff the night before.
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 23:36, Reply)

Well, it's not exactly a diary
but I found 100MB-ish of porn on an old hard drive, presumably from my dad or at least a very cheeky visitor.

Twin lesbians, going at each other with all sorts. They even had heavy Alabama accents! Dear me.

And yet my dad dislikes my mother's sister...
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 23:06, Reply)

I fix friends computers
..and the stuff I have seen.

Letter to the us embassy saying why they should get a visa even though they have a crimial record..

Bloke I knew had loads of bum slapping stuff on his machine. He told me that as you get older you still have an interest in sex, its just your taste changes.

And another computer revealed an e-mail between the owners daughter and her boyfriend with the styles of vibrator that she liked.
She never said where though. I would have taught her a thing or two...!

Length? they come in all sizes, or so her email said!
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 22:40, Reply)

Hang on she's still shagging her husband!
Ages ago I copped off with a lass from work after she had a blazing and very public row with her husband at an office do. He stormed off & I comforted his wife!

We got a taxi back to mine and next morning went into work a little shame faced as we realised that everyone knew of the previous night's naughties!

Worse was to come as I left work and found a cuckolded husband waiting for me. After a frank exchange of views I agreed not to shag his wife again, an arrangement that worked fine until his wife turned up on my doorstep. After a few days the arrangement became more permanent with her moving more and more of her girly stuff into my flat.

Every now and then she used to go off for a weekend to see her folks. One such time I chanced upon her diary. I flicked through the usual rubbish until I came across "Most amazing sex last night with Vambo". I then looked a little further & found stuff along the lines of "Oh how can I love them both?" etc.

I realised that she was still having relations with her ex but was pleased to note that I got the better mention in her diary.

Apologies for length? Nah!
( Vambo, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 21:09, Reply)

Book by its cover and all that...
A few years ago I flipped open my then-gf's notebook and found:

Wednesday: 10am. Big blow. Lots of white stuff
Wednesday: 3pm. Another big blow. more white stuff
Wednesday: 9pm. Blow. Tough job. Feel absolutely spent.
Thursday 10am: Smaller blow, some white stuff, also some big mucky green and yellow flecks in it.

Just as I was getting ready to dump the wanton hussy and get myself down t'clinic to ward off the knobrot she'd probably got from the greened-off manmilk, I looked at the cover page. It said:

D****'s asthma peak flow expiration diary.
(mochyn, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 20:38, Reply)

Blogs, Computers etc....
.
A lot of my job entails fixing computers, servers and e-mail systems. Another part is acting as a Mimesweeper Admin where any e-mail that is blocked because of inappropriate content is blocked and a notification is sent to the user.

Now if I want to, I can browse these inappropriate e-mails but, to be honest, I've far better things to do with my time and most of the stuff is blocked because of casual swearing. However, occasionally a user will panic when he gets a blocked e-mail notification and contact me and beg for the quarantined e-mail t0o be deleted immediately. Now those ones I *do* read.

There's was a corker a while back. Some guy had struck up an e-mail relationship with a women from one of our suppliers. What made this one juicy was that the blocked e-mail had the entire history of replies from, when they first started flirting, to now where they were describing sexual fantasies. It had started off mild (I like blow-jobs - I like my nipples bitten) to sheer filth - which was where Mimesweeper had kicked in and blocked the mail. The one that had been blocked detailed what the guy was going to do with her on their first date - that very night.

I couldn't resist.

I inserted a couple of lines so that the e-mail now read:

"And then I'm going to drag my Alsatian dog in while you're still tied up helpless and video him shagging you..."

Then I released the e-mail.

Wonder what happened next.....?


Cheers

Note: I may or may not have actually released that e-mail. Depends who's reading this.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 20:24, Reply)

The paper for my uni..
Had an article not long ago about a lad.
His flatmates had always thought he was a little strange, he spent most of his time in his room with the door locked. One day after they we're sure he was out they unlocked his room (for some reason the keys in the halls we live in can open about 4 other doors on each corridoor). Then proceeded to have a nosy around, one of them finds this lad's diary and has a quick scan, then reralises half the stuff in it is dirty thoughts there flatmate has been having about the local primary kids. They left it seeing as he never seemed to have acted upon his "feelings" but after a month or so passed the said lad sent his DVD player down to the CompScis to be fixed, they found a DVD full of kiddy porn videos and promptly phoned the police.
The said lad is now in Jail, been chucked out of uni, and I found out not long ago, the room I'm staying in was his! *shivers*
(Mr Torture Oh no! Not the BEEEEEEEEEEES!, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 19:22, Reply)

A friend of mine...
was fixing another friend's computer - just the general "it's running slow all the time" problem. So he went though the hard drive backing up all the guys personal files to his own computer so he could format the drive and copy it back later.

Amongst the files was about 20gb of porn which was copied back to the original computer, kept on the other guys computer and burnt to DVDs for anyone who brought round their own DVD. He even told us all where he got all the porn from.
( thistle, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 19:21, Reply)

When I was 16...
...I had been seeing the girl of my dreams for about a year and was staying the night at her Mum's house. In the morning she had to go to her Dad's, and rather than kick me out we had a nice slow screw and then off she went, leaving me to get up and see myself out. So, of course, I immediately embarked on a mission to see if she had a vibrator (she didn't) - but she did have a diary. In my haste I picked it up and pulled it open, not noticing that I had just broken the crappy lock on the front. After a heady 15mins reading about how great I was and how much she loved me, I put the diary back where I had found it.

Two days later she came round in tears, demanding to know if I had read her diary. Thinking quickly, I vociferously denied all wrong-doing and promptly blamed it on her sister. I went back to her house, sat back, and proceeded to watch one of the most amazing bitch-fights I have ever seen. The fallout lasted months.

I wasn't particularly proud of myself but in hindsight I wish I had blamed more stuff on her sister. She was a weapons-grade bitch.
(Jolyonekenobi, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 19:11, Reply)

holocaust while we're on the subject
I really don't think this lot is funny, i recently read my grandfathers diary from the concentration camps, it was awful, he died there...

Broke his neck falling from a watch-tower
(Voidedge, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 19:04, Reply)

B3TA book
To the Hairy Testicle.

Absolutley superb book.
No wonder Waterstones sold it in a sealed package. Still haven't stopped laughing.

MD.
(Spliffless, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 19:01, Reply)

I just read the Bumper b3ta Book of Sick Jokes

Jesus
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 18:46, Reply)

Never, ever investigate their hard drives either
Not actually a diary but in a similar vein ; On his Cambridge room-mate's computer, my chum found a picture of a penis draped onto the very desk at which he was sat. Oh dear, my room mate keeps pictures of his own genitalia.

Now this wasn't much fun, but imagine then finding a second picture of the same desk with an entirely different penis draped on it - especially with a full term of uni left to complete. Poor bugger !
(marzipanzer, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 18:20, Reply)