Damn you Auctionworld! Damn you! Damn you! Damn you!
After a drunken works night out became a "proud" owner of an Arsenal retro-shirt signed by Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp, Charlie George and Ian Wright.

With the subsequent meltdown of the Auctionworld empire I don't think this shirt has even been to London, let alone signed by any of the legends above. Probably just scribbled on by a chortling Man Utd fan in a Manchester Warehouse. It's not even an official Arsenal shirt.
(a_la_kurt, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 16:42, Reply)

.
Carling Black Label
(36poison, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Pissed and engaged
Long ago I was living in London. One day me and the girlfriend got really rather steaming. It was juuust about then that I asked her to marry me. She said yes. So far so top. 30 mins later we were in the (very expensive) local jewellers in Richmond buying an engagement ring whilst stinking of booze. We then go out and celebrate. Alot. Fast forward 18 hours to me strolling round to the bank machine to check the damage from the previous night, and realising to my horror that I am around a grand lighter than I was 24 hours ago, and subsequently I wet my trousers in fear. It would appear i forgot all about the asking her to marry me bit and buying the ring. Not for long though!

Wedding was last year. Nice one.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 16:39, Reply)

Ebay dont specify sexes
i bought a womens bag, which i wore untill someone pointed out (shouted oi u fag!) that it was infact a girls
(Sparrafizzle, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 16:21, Reply)

Facking Tenerife!!!
Whilst attending a stag do in Tenerife I managed to lose the "stag" gang...which resulted in me being stranded and absolutely smashed on lager, lager, lager!! (Must also point out here that I was also still getting over the previous nights xtc munching session....urghhh nasty!)Anyway, I ended up chatting to this rather sexy (Beer goggles as standard)lady who ushered me into a nearby hotel. Obviously I thought I was game on...but no - She gave me copious amounts of sangria and at some point I foolishly signed my life away on same naff crime share apartment - So now I have two weeks every facking year in Playa das Crapos in Decemeber...yes, December!!!! The worst part of it was that I was unaware that I had done this until I returned home and saw bank payment for the £1500 deposit which was then followed by post informing me of my luxury apartment...ahem! Anyway... I've learnt my lesson but still painfully reminded every year of my foolish drunken spend whilst sat at the pool with a bunch of whinging pensioners. Oh well, only another 2 more years to go before I can get out of the contract!! "Crimeshare Tossers!"

: (
(eurrrrrggggggghhhhhh Cunting /talk, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Ah!
Normally when I have been imbibing/ingesting I Get horny and order loads of really crap porn off of sky. I always get bored and order more channels and have been known to rack up bills of over £400 in a month. The thing is that it's always pointless because you don't see anything, the women are ropey, and the men are council estate scum! But it happens again and again...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:57, Reply)

A Giant Yorkie Bar
It really is big..got it the other week...then had to carry it home on the two hour walk at 3am...with very little pavement on them country road...
(Pigmash, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:54, Reply)

incredible amounts
of crap drugs.
( ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:52, Reply)

Thai me down
I once had the severe displeasure of visiting a "Full Moon" party on some crusty riddled beach in Thailand. As the sensual 150 bpm Goa Trance attacked my brain like a bag of rusty nails, I drank several buckets of "Joy", a foul mix of industrial strength red bull, coke and rum (which apparently contains a kilo of speed, or something). After the third bucket of poison slipped down my gullet I had a brainwave! I would buy a guitar and serenade the fire juggling scum with my repetoire of "More than Words" by Extreme and "Everybody Hurts" by REM, both of which I can play behind my head, like Jimi Hendrix. I headed for the town and found a guitar shop nestled between a McDonalds and a brothel. The "joy" was coursing through my veins as I handed over about £70 for a quite decent guitar (this was all the money I had at the time). Running back to beach I was dribbling with excitment, right down to my socks.
I set up a nice spot by a fire and began to tune up. Unfortunately, as my ears had been savagely raped all night by the music, and the fact that I've never tuned a guitar before, I ended up tuning every string so high that they broke, one after the other. With each snapping string another tear rolled down my face. Even the so called "loved up" ravers turned on me, their crazy eyes shooting dilated daggers of scorn into my weeping heart. It all got a bit hazy then. Apparently I ran the length of the beach crying, my broken guitar dragging in the sand behind me. I woke up the next day on the steps of our hut, thankfully without the cursed guitar.
It could of been worse. My mate ended up with a prossie who stole his wallet the next morning. She did leave him genital warts though.

Sorry about the length, but the width's not bad.
(Smell eep!, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:49, Reply)

Charity woe
Have you ever noticed how the totals on the likes of Children in Need and Comic Relief suddenly go stratospheric after 11pm? That's because of drunk people. Drunk people like you and me, who arrive home from the pub on Friday night, switch on the TV and say "Jeeezzz... it's Children in Need, an' I've gone and spent all me dough gettin' blathered" and have a fit of guilt.

Allowing 28 days for delivery, I found myself the proud owner of two Pudsey bears bought from the BBC shop website (no mean feat - I didn't even have the internet then) and the credit card bill showed a further hundred quid donation. I'm still waiting for my jet pack and money butler which such a contribution clearly deserves.

Damn you beer!
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:45, Reply)

Shortly before Christmas
I became so inebriated at a party that I managed to get hit by a taxi on the way home. I twatted my face on the tarmac and blood issued forth rather juicily. At the hospital (approx. 3 in the morning) I awoke to find my housemate curled up in the chair next to my bed. Before waking her, I wandered the (deserted) corridors, and returned with a bounty of several pairs of latex gloves and some fairy light bulbs.
We then left, but not before I left a deposit for the goods. When I say 'deposit', I obviously mean 'pile of sick in corridor'.
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:42, Reply)

Not strictly speaking drinking,
but Des wanted a new pair of shoes when I was in Eindhoven (Holland), and he ended up with 7 pairs.

It's not funny, but one of them had those wicker lattice style fronts and he really is NOT a wicker lattice shoe man.


( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:24, Reply)

reesy
ah pier pressure. I know it well. The broken mirrors that line the entrance, the stickiest floor in the world, the unexplainable stains you seem to come out of there with, having to have been drinking for 15 hours straight to even consider going there...good times.
(lolaphallus, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:19, Reply)

Bid up TV
After having a few beers and trawling through the cable channels at 1am we came across a "lovely" looking carpet that 2 pretty girls were selling, cue an impulse joke bid for item.

Did that and totally forgot about it till 2-30am my house telephone rings...cue me saying to my mate "who the f is that ringing at this time?" a voice says well done you are the succesful winner of of carpet from bid up tv!

Oh shit, embarrased by it i quicky whip out my switch card and pay for the item, £30 it cost me. 2 weeks later it still had'nt arrived, rung up the help line and the advisor told me it was "lost" in transit, poor sod must have been desperate to nick that!

Got a full refund which was nice, avoid bidding for anything now when I have had a few beers!

Still want a Magic bullet though ( rung them up once while pissed asked if I could pay by crack cocaine and the bloke actually checked with his supervisor, without putting me on hold! quickly hung up!) amazing what food you can make in 1 2 3 seconds!!!!!

Apologies for length but I always say that to the girls (take that which way you want!)
(djgalaxe, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:18, Reply)

The wonderful thing about ebay...
Many a night after 10 or so pints of Stella, I've crawled to my room, found the PC still on and proceeded to eBay. Drunken things I have bought from eBay were:

25 Blank DVDs for £25 even though I don't have a DVD Burner.

A Mini Disc player for £45 despite already having the exact same model.

A Key Generator for Windows 2000 (£2). I am on XP

A Gmail account for £0.99- I have a Gmail account already with 50 unused invites

Fifa 2004 (£16)...for the PS2....a games console that I don't own.

Windows XP Professional (£14) that I already have.

A pair of nice Diesel trainers for £11...size 7. I am size 11!

A Morrisons carrier bag (£0.04...+£1 PP)

An online girlfriend who was "willing to email me, saying anything I wanted, no holds barred". I got her to write me a 2000 word economics essay for me... Which got me a grade D!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:13, Reply)

Chicken Hat
Me and my friend once bought these odd hats while drunk that were shaped like chickens with legs dangling down etc. We wore them all day and night out drinking. You wouldnt beileve the amount of abuse we got from strangers, I was pretty shocked in a way. But it was more amusing than anything.

In the end when it came time to enter the "club", Pier Pressure Aberystywth if youve been there youll understand, we were told we couldnt wear them as they could be used as an offensive weapon. I died with laughter.

Still surrendered the hat and got furtherly drunk.
(Reesy, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:12, Reply)

During a pub crawl/treasure hunt (you get given clues for the next pub)
We got a bit lost and as a result gave up on the treasure hunt/pub crawl. We'd been in about 4 wrong pubs and by this point were absolutely hammered. We got a text from the winners saying they were in the final pub and we started to stumble down there.

But on the way passed a Topman having one of their student nights, so after flashing our matric cards, we got in and started raiding their free booze. After an hour felt a bit guilty so bought a beady-bracelet thing, and later when we were back in the pub i tried to give it to the barmaid as a dowry.
(Rushy, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:10, Reply)

*sigh*
I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session. Then I drew a face on it. Then I wrote "steve the sweede!" on it. Then I went to Sainsburys and put it in one of the freezers. That was fun!
( TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

More beer!

( ..wil, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Those damn Pizza offer cards....
...We've all seen them so I bet i'm not the only one.

One evening in my final year at uni I returned home from an afternoon spent down my union and in a novel faux Australian hostillery to be greeted my a fine gentleman (who appeared to desperately need a shave after no doubt having one that very morning) offering me a world of "infinite pizza" courtesy of his employee one Papa John. A truly Italian name have i ever heard one. Now clearly the excessive alcohol clouded my wisdom and so after 3 mins of talking he leaves having exchanged a small peice of card with tokens for 20 of my pound notes.

Upon soberisation I realised that inorder to get my £20 back and so be up on the deal I had to spend more than £100 on pizza over the next 6 months. This i'm please to tell you i did, although I wish i hadn't!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Various
overpriced designer label clothes, also far too many records after a work leaving do many years ago.
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Crappest guitar ever
Embarrassingly after only a couple of pints (but really excited by being at a festival) I bought a guitar, simply because I thought I should have a guitar right there and then. It's made almost entirely of plywood and sounds like dragging a cheesegrater over a cat (probably). It looks quite nice though and I still play it occasionally. Also saw an ad in the local paper shortly afterwards saying "I saw you at the festival with a guitar and you looked really cool". It was about me I tell you! It was, it was!
(flimflam_machine, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:56, Reply)

Taco 1 - Tesco 0
I didnt actually buy it but

I did cause a queue and much constanation by discussing the quality and price of the coal Tesco 24hr garage were selling, and how it was a bit steep. This lasted 15 mins. At 2 in the morning.

I didnt remember this until greated with texts and shouts when I turned up next day at the pub - to rerun the fun, ala Funhouse - but with more fun and booze and less Pat Sharpe.

"Oy mate how much is your coal" was the phrase of the weekend.
(Taco Tickler, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:52, Reply)

Taco 1 - Unigate 0
I once got woken up at 4am by the milkman. I had innocently passed out on my neighbours drive and the kindly milkman wanted to check I was alive. "hey man I was relaxing".

As revenge (for what???) I bought some milk off him, as he went round the other side of the float where the unassigned milk was (???), stealth like, I swipped a bottle of Orange Juice, a loaf of bread and one Mr Juicy apple flavour.

I awoke in my bed (sorta) with said booty and a headache.

Some steal money, other jewels, I am in it for the breakfast material.
(Taco Tickler, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:47, Reply)

WTF Was i thinking........
About 10 years back i had gone shopping and as usual after trawling the shops for an hour or so decided that i would go for a swift pint to give me insperation. Well 5+ pints of wife beater later i once again embarked on my journey to the shops, where i ended up in HMV and before i could think "sweet jeasus what am i doing!!!!" i had bought a pair of 3/4 lengh jogging bottoms with Faith No More Emblased down the leg. I even remember the assistant sniggering when i took them to the counter.

Thing is im not even a fan of Faith No More i used to rip the piss out of my mate for listening to them.

As you can imagine they were never worn and finaly given to OXFAM. I can just imgine the poor sod in some war torn country getting a aid parcel with them stuffed in them.
( caffeinefreak, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:40, Reply)

Noodle Heaven.......
My local tesco is open 24h on A Friday and Saturday, and unfortunatly i have to walk past it to get home. A couple of months back i was very damaged after a night on the falling down juice and for some reasion thought that i needed to go do my weekly shopping. Unfortunatly i seems that after staggering arround for ages i got stuck in the pot noodle isle and managed to buy all known flavors as well as all the dodgy imported versions from korea. What makes it worse is the time i had sworn never to eat such dodgy crap as im highter up the food chain.

I did however mange to eat them all with the help of the IT monkey at work who seems to live off them.
( caffeinefreak, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:31, Reply)

ahhh 24hr tescos.
this isn't something i'm proud of but 1 out of 2 of my drinkypoo sessions end up with me polishing of the months wages inside one of those fine establishments.
Previous perchised items have been:
A disposible barbeque
£20 worth of pot noodles
A girls cardigan (i am not a girl)
A westlife album (which i have been informed i bought just to smash up in the car park.)
A whole ham hock
6 Pairs of socks
String
Flip Flops
A Yoga Video (the next day i was quoted as saying "in the absence of porn blah blah blah...")
A childs remote controlled car
Severall gallons of economy orange juice (which i hate)
And one of those lighters for gas kitchen hobs (even though my kitchen hobs are electric)

maybe i should set up an Ebay account to unload some of this shite?
(C.J Hixon L.I.P, The drinking man's shipping forecast., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:31, Reply)

Too drunk even to buy a hamburger

Many years ago, while excessively drunk, I failed to purchase a hamburger.

I had no cash left after buying a Mournblade album, signed photo and T-shirt following a gig at the Marquee club by the previously mentioned band (as if that wasn't a bad enough drunk purchase).

I was in the fast food place and tried to pay by cheque but I was unable to spell the name of the 'restaurant' and instead kept writing "haamburger" on the cheque. I still have the cheque and occasionally take it out to laugh at my spidery drunk handwriting.

It also took me four hours to walk the ten minute (downhill) journey from the tube station to home.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Dear christ!
what a question!
erm, ebay isnt good for me, probably the worst was 20xcomputers in a crate on the other side fo the UK. only £300 that I quite obviously didn't pay for.
Lots and LOTS of CDs and DVDs including "War games"

*please dont throw tomatoes too hard*
( SiX and his hat, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:22, Reply)

in the morning, i steal their purses and mobiles too
I like to buy cheap, easily influenced, drunk, slightly over weight girls. After splitting up with the bird a while ago, I realised that porn, although advantages in its own right, tends to be more expensive than a tubby slapper found in any student, or cheesy club / bar. Tubby slappers really do like to please, and all for the cost of a bottle of watermelon breezer and a chicken kebab. Has to be chicken kebab, cus they are “healthy”, apparently. I except that porn features a better standard of females, and I am on the look out for a good girl, a keeper, who I’ll be nice too, but in the mean time, God has blessed Glasgow with this seemingly endless supply of pissed podgy girls lacking moral fibre. Who am I to argue?
Get your fat slappers here, two for a pound!! Just leave your standards at the door.

Ps. There are a lot of fit birds here as well, but they are just not as welcoming when I’m pissed out my face, treating them to a break dancing and body popping extravaganza.
(Jeeves, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 14:19, Reply)