Slightly off-topic...
I have prints of me and Greg indulging in a bit of bondage fuckery in little glass frames around our bedroom. A (close) friend of mine took the photo's for our art project in photographry (we were going to modify the pictures later on to make them suitable), and we developed them in the college dark room. Now, we thought this would be okay, as when we are developing the tutor never comes round. We chose the one day he made an exception. I panicked, my friend was in fits of laughter, luckily I was wearing a mask in the photo so we just covered up my tattoo's so he could'nt see it was me. But when Greg popped in to photography to me a day or so later, I saw our tutor look at him then at me as something clicked in his head. He never looked at me or my friend the same way again. God, some people are so sensitive!

We got a good mark though, strangely enough.
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:59, Reply)

Letters to Penthouse Forum
used to get me spanking in my hanky years ago.

That twas years ago afore the interwebs.

How many here have jerked off/killed a kitten with this QOTW yet?
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:51, Reply)

Good clean family fun
A couple of months back my sister and I decided to give old dear old nan a visit, because we're nice like that, for a cup of tea and a natter. Usual nan stuff.

After going through the usual inanities of her filling us in with what every other member of the family is up to and so on, we somehow ended up on the subject of The War (WW2, that is), and the whole American "we came over and saved your asses" sort of view, to which I made a throwaway comment along the lines of, "well, all them American squaddies did was come here and 'see to' the wives of fellas who were off in Europe".

I expected to be told not to be so silly, but then my nan replied, "oh yes, a lot of women sold their bodies to get a bit of extra money". Oh yes nan?

"Yes, in fact my friend Helen's mum used to do it!"

...right...

"But no one held it against her, it was sort of a done thing back then."

Fair enough, I think, also presuming she'd leave it and start back on about my aunt's flu or something. But no.

"I remember me and me sister June went to Helen's one day but no-one answered the door, so we went round and looked in through the window, and there was Helen's mum, up on the table, dancing around completely naked, and these two Americans..."

She paused for a chuckle, my sister and I look at each other nervously...

"...they were running around the table, slapping her on the bum with dead fish!"


Bloody American squaddies, coming over here and hitting our housewives with fish.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:47, Reply)

i just remembered another one....
Tall blokes. For example, seeing Greg Davies makes me instantly wet. He's 6'7 right? Wet, wet, wet. He's like a big man mountain I want to climb and claim in the name of.....some country where women are short.
(persnickety I Am The Seaward, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:43, 2 replies)

one more thing....
i really find the idea of getting fucked hard in the ass really really fun and dirty. So far, no luck with that one.
(persnickety I Am The Seaward, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:29, 7 replies)

Well they say you have a thing for women who were on TV/Film
When you were going through puberty.

So tall women, spandex, redheads... Gladiators has a lot to answer for.

EDIT: Oh to finish the list, latex and leather. So yes Bianca Beauchamp is pretty much my sexual ideal..
( Cadmus has teh uplikn coeds at, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:19, Reply)

I'm modelling for Torture Gardens this weekend, in Latex I think, so I encounter a few fetishes.
Anyhoo that's beside the point, the Real story here is about the night I thought I was going to die during a sexual act. So I had made friends with a very attractive tall Dreadlocked Gothic type girl with a kink for rubber one night out. I'm what you'd call trysexual, as in I'm usually up for trying anything sexual (except shit or piss or anything like that or illegal things), so this beautiful woman squeezed into some rubber, that left enough to the imagination to make her even sexier, appealed to my adventurous side. So after a few drinks and some light fondling (read her grabbing me by my man parts and dragging me to a corner) we decided to grab a taxi and head to hers.
So there I am tied to the bed in an almost Christ like pose with the rubber wearing lovely merrily bouncing on the only part of my body to have any rubber on it. Things are going well, a slap here, a nipple twist there you know the regular stuff. Then it gets a little bit more twisted, she leans over to the bed side drawer and pulls out an old Wilkinson sword cut throat razor. "Ah shit I'm going to die" thinks I. She must have thought I liked it because I was bucking like a rodeo stallion, when what I was actually trying to do was get her the fuck off of me.
The blade passes by my neck, ok she's not slitting my throat, it moves to above my armpit "Ah shit she's going for the Auxiliary artery I'll be dead in about 8 seconds", she breaks the skin.

It just breaks the skin, the blade is licked and folded away, then she kisses the wound. "I just love blood play" she purrs at me.
I considered head butting her and letting her play in her own blood for a bit. But then the feeling of 'I AM GOING TO LIVE!' took over and I was shagged rotten.
Interesting night that one, what weirded me out more than that though was her collection of knitted dolls, that's just plain old strange.

Length? about 9 inches, when it was unfolded.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:12, 4 replies)

Alan Titchmarsh
once gave me the vapours.

I LOVE male body hair. Years ago when Titchmarsh presented Points Of View, I saw him in a magazine and noticed that he had a very hairy chest. Hooo! Lovely!

Being a piss-taker I wrote to POV about some programme or other and added a PS suggesting that he show off his manly torso.

Well! Next week, he appeared as usual, but with no tie and with his collar pulled right back, almost Medallion Man styleee, tantalisingly exposing just a bit of that gorgeous welcome mat.

Not a word was spoken, but I knew. He'd done it for me. ME.

What a sport.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:10, 2 replies)

"That" & "and"

Give me the fucking Horn.
(fibonacci_cunt cunt, cunt, cuntcunt, cuntcuntcunt,..., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 18:08, 7 replies)

Kelvin
He was a lad I went to school with. Nice enough, if not too bright. He was sparky, a bit of a joker, a decent footballer... naturally, people took the piss a bit at his denser moments, but generally he was well liked.

Unfortunately, though, he was fascinated with dogs' sex bits. His party piece when friends came round his house in his teenage years was to wrist-off the family dog to the point of orgasm, whilst giggling uproariously (but also looking far too excited about the whole thing). Naturally, people found this a bit weird, but it was weird enough to just be funny... it was just Kelv being Kelv, y'know?

Anyway, me and another guy from my year - Dan - who was good mates with Kelvin, both went off to the same Uni, which happened to be Oxford. In the 2nd Year, Kelvin was coming down to visit, and Dan invited me to go out for a drink with the two of them and some of his housemates on the Saturday night. We went out, had many, many beers, and headed back home to Dan's place in Cowley.... as we're walking,we go past a garden which contains a tethered and barking dog....

Well, at the sight of Kelvin beginning to scale the wall, Dan and I both looked at one another with a look of terrified surmise... surely not? Surely he wouldn't? We were 20 years-old now, FFS...

The look on the faces of the pack of rugger buggers Dan lived with went from mild irritation with the delay - as Kelvin pacified the barking with some stroking and whispering - to outright confusion and abhorrence as he then lifted the dog up with his left hand under its belly, and began to skillfully manipulate its angry little tadger with his right.

When we got back to Dan's house, none of the other guys wanted to join us for a final can of lager, surprisingly.

To his eternal credit. Kelvin just said 'Do you reckon they found that weird? Ah well... posh cunts, eh?'
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:59, 5 replies)

Cutting off your own todger
Panfrying it with Garlic and onion and dining on it with a close friend, whilst being beating across the back with birch leaves by pregnant maori women and being simultaneously sodomised by a gorilla dressed as chairman mao.

It's all I can do to get excited these days.
(Vic Flange, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:49, Reply)

Massage
I love the thought of paying for a legitimate massage from a masseur (or a masseuse) having him massage me and....now and then I notice he brushes a little too close to my thigh or ass*. I keep trying to tell myself it's just my imagination and then..BAM he starts really....taking liberties with my body until eventually he's face down in my snatch. The sexiest thing about this to me is that never a word is spoken between us. I also get off on the thought of not being in control when this is--pardon the pun, going down.

I also have various generic fantasies about being dominant as well as submissive with men and women, but mostly men.

Also, pissing in a man's mouth, and fucking him in his ass*.

Sorry British types, I meant arse.
(persnickety I Am The Seaward, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:46, 7 replies)

Warning- sickfuckery ahead.
This one is my 'main one', but I imagine I'll have over 30 more. I guess I'll start with this one, since it's easily the least 'normal'. If I don't get completely shunned from this one, I may post more.

*deep breath*
Girls pooing their pants.

I have absolutely no idea where I got this one from, but it drives me wild. "Freud's Anal Stage" is usually the general answer that comes from it, but I dunno. I think it's just because I'm slightly unusual in that area. Anyway, that's my 'main' sexual fetish/deviancy. Other than that, I like to think I'm fairly normal.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:44, 4 replies)

New one today, maybe
Haven't really thought about it before, but reading this QOTW...

It's hot as hell to listen to people talk about their fantasies and fetishes.

Makes me think of when people have said them in real life...there's a real undercurrent of sly, guilty pleasure with a wry smile and a heaving sigh and a faraway look. And you think, 'I could do that for you! Let me do that for you!'

Phwoar.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:36, Reply)

Geek sex
Greg had a phase a few months ago when all he would do was go on the computer and sleep. He would'nt fuck me for over three weeks (which, considering the norm is twice a day, was hard) I was getting worried. He wasn't even wanking. So when he got up for another cup of tea one time, I stripped naked, sat on the desk and tied myself to the monitor with usb cables. I think it's safe to say that he was cured.
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:29, 3 replies)

Mastrubating
over a copy of the Quran / Bible / insert theological text of choice here

EDIT : Extra points for shouting ALLAH AKHBAR when hitting the vinegar strokes
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:26, 4 replies)

Mud fetishes
Mud has always been a complete turn on for me. I'm not talking about that crap where someone wearing boots walks around in it or gets it on their jeans, either. I'm talking about full naked completely-covered swamp creature mud.

My whole life I've been limited to digging in the garden and bringing it back into the shower for privacy, but there was this one time I'll never forget...

When I was about 15, I was staying with my father and a few of his business friends at a beach house on the Oregon coast. The house was at the end of a gravel road, with no other houses not blocked by trees. Next to the house was a wonderful swampy area, complete with thick mud and skunk cabbage, which creates a fantastic swampy smell. I'd had my eye on it for over a year as we'd rent this house.

My father and his friends decided to head up north to a larger coastal town for lunch, leaving me alone for the first time. This was it! It was a bit chilly outside, being the pacific northwest, so I grabbed the largest bowl I could find from the kitchen and went out and scooped it full of mud. Took it back into the upstairs shower and covered myself with it, all over. It was everything I'd hoped it would be (albeit a little cold). I sighed with happiness afterwards and turned on the taps.

A little air came out of the faucet, and then nothing. Tried the cold tap, and was also greeted by nothing. My brain did a quick "uh oh" and I visualized my father and his friends arriving home, with me covered in mud in a filthy bathroom, and no water. And no explanation except to come clean (so to speak) about my fetish.

I did the best I could with the towels and the water from the toilet tank, but still had quite a ways to go. Then I thought of it: the outdoor garden hose! I didn't want to muddy up the house, so I wrapped myself in one of the dirty towels and snuck out there to give it a try. Nothing. At this point I was starting to panic. But then I heard a sound...

The ocean! Right behind me was one of the biggest water sources I could think of! I dropped the towel and started running down the mostly deserted beach, approximately 100 yards, and lept into the chilly spring ocean. Cleaned myself off for the most part, and ran back to the house. Ah, good, the others weren't back yet. I grabbed up the dirty towels to hide them, and just then... the water in the shower came on! I quickly showered, cleaned the bathroom and threw the dirty towels and clothes into the washing machine with about 5 minutes to spare.

When my father and friends came back in the house, they found me reading a book, asking about their lunch and professing to a lazy afternoon without much going on. Dodged a bullet there for sure.
(Jaycatt, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:24, Reply)

Policemen
Or PCSOs, similar enough uniform.
Sadly have never had the chance to fulfill that fantasy.
But its nice to look
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:17, 19 replies)

DOCTORS!
I regularly accompany friends and family to hospital appointments, just so I can ogle the staff. Mmmm

I think it's a combination of the intelligence, the upper/middle-classness, the caringness and also the rolled-up shirtsleeves. For some reason, a shirt with no tie and the sleeves rolled up just really does it for me.

Same goes for bankers/city types in suits as several other people have said.
(Katurian, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:15, 4 replies)

Watching a woman
wank herself - awesome.
( lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 17:14, 1 reply)

I took my wife
to a wife swapping party.

I did quite well, I got a power-drill for her.

Cheers.

(Just about every 1970s working-mans-club-comic)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:58, 3 replies)

Rough as hell
Rough enough for him to dig his nails in my back and make me whimper when he slams me against the wall/bedpost/cold steel bar :)
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:55, 2 replies)

Food...
I get turned on by penetrating a tub of chick-pea based dip.

I dunno, I must be a pervert or something....
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:48, 2 replies)

Awww, look
How sweeeeeet! The fatties are getting all worked up and upset because we're answering the question!

b3ta.com/talk/6504488
b3ta.com/talk/6504454
b3ta.com/talk/6504475
b3ta.com/talk/6504375

How cute. Lets all go and give them a QOTW hug!
(stimpy, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:48, 4 replies)

Why I never invite my parents round for afternoon tea :)
I share a little flat with my Greg. We both have alot of fetishes. When we realised we kept breaking the handcuffs and were getting through argos' curtain pole stock, we decided to get a sturdier set-up. We have a heavy-duty steel bar drilled onto the bedroom wall that he chains me to, an adjustable bondage bar to hold my arms behind my back, latex masks with thins tubes in the nose for air and lots of corsets. We have countless sex tapes too but we don't use them for sexual purposes, i'm an art student so i've done life-size paintings from them on our bedroom walls and even done black and white prints in little glass frames. Which means when our family visits we put a lock on the bedroom door, we would'nt want greg's granny bursting in there!
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:44, 1 reply)

When I'm taking time off from picking up drug dealers cars and throwing them in the river.
Or at the Playboy Mansion over near my registered Asthmatics Unite Center, I enjoy shagging hot girls.

For absolutely no reason I'm going to tell a story. As everybody else is.
I've probably told it before. Anywhere up to 20 times on here.

I was speed dating at this local youth centre with a pocket full of dimes and a mouthful of rhymes when I looked out the window and observed this well built chap clip the Honda Accord with his big black van.
Naturally I decked three wrestlers and ran outside to confront the confused gentleman, who'd just taken in a hefty glass of what he claimed was "Milk".
That couldn't have been milk, as he was clearly half asleep and looking all set to topple over. So I did what any humanitarian would. I dressed up in Latex underwear and punched him in the larynx.
Some of you girls might like to know that I can also stay out on school nights now, and I have my own clotted cream factory if you know what I mean?

Later that evening I was spoon feeding some war heroes with the gold spoon award I got in Iraq for fighting off bears in Kuwait when this chap returned now full of beans and wanting a proper fight. That was his first mistake.

So I stopped giving this Army Commander a Blumpkin and got totally in to it.
I said "WHAT'S YOUR NAME LIKE?" and he was like "Mr. T Foo'!" and I was like "WHAT?" and he was like "YEAH!" and I ran over to him and kicked him in the face which was quite a feat considering I was wearing high heels and a scuba mask with the air pipe rammed up my arse.
This chap was quite the mover, and after ten minutes of drop kicks, grappling and double entry we decided it was an amicable draw. Which was his second mistake as the second he dropped his guard I totally roundhoused him to the ground and I was like "YEAH" and he was like Yeah..." and I was like "FUCK YEAH!" and he was like "Yeah.." on the ground bleeding from his eyes and his legs.

Then I fellated a German Shepherd.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:36, 18 replies)

Professional ladies
No, Spanky, not that kind. City high-flyer types in high heels, pencil skirts and crisp blouses with just the right amount of satiny sheen.

/goes off to hit it with a stick to see if it'll go down.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:28, 3 replies)

Soft curly brown hair
Green eyes and those "geeky" glasses popular with emo lasses recently, oh and a nice pair of breasticles, no such thing as too big
(Boiled_Tater is not the messiah, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Oh the shame.
My best friend told me she was at her fiancé's house, when to her horror, he walked into the bathroom without closing the door and took a leak in front of her.

I, however, do not get disgusted seeing my fiancé's urine. He frequently enjoys pissing on me in the shower.

=3
(Grass, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 16:18, 6 replies)