Back in the day when Avnas was a wee little tyke, my brother and I heard about the site 'rate my poo'. Having nothing better to do we browsed it for a little, until...someone posted a pic with their cock showing. My brother never saw it for I closed the window too quickly, but 'twas the first time my virgin girly eyes saw that sort of thing.
Now I browse /b/.
(Avnas dosh!, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 3:57, Reply)

grotty stuff
I had older brothers and the porn they had was pretty pitiful, black and white and never a split beaver. So I was never that impressed, that is until a friend of mine got me a copy of the Story of O. That and the Evergreen Magazine issue with Our Lady of Perpetual Orgasm have left me with a lifelong taste for fine literature.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 3:02, 1 reply)

definately not the only one here for this but
Cleo Rocos impressive lady bits on The Kenny Everett Show did it for me. As a deaf five year old I had no idea what was going on in the trouser department and no one could tell me about it anyway.
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 2:52, 1 reply)

No pun intended
As a child I used to build wooden toy ships and guns in the basement of my parents' house. My father had all kinds of tools, but the garage was crammed with stuff so you couldn't find anything most of the time. At about 10 years of age, I walked in on my parents shagging when I wanted to ask my dad where he had put the hammer.
(rogermexico Ah, c'est moi! Je m'ai fait peur!, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 1:46, 4 replies)

Might not be the first, but it's the first one I remember.
And not really that rude. My father is an older gentleman, even for a father. We'll agree that he was 44 when I was born, and I'm halfway between twenty and thirty, so back then the age gap was gigantomonsterous.

Like we all do from time to time he was once watching a re-run of a program he remembered from his youth. On Bravo of all channels, back before they just did faux-porn. Series four or five perhaps of "The Avengers". Mrs. Peel (Diana Rig) is someone who should not be viewed by young males. Never. I'm still trying to invent a time machine that can carry me and rohypnol back to those days of the first colour TV shows.

Even her replacement, Linda Thorson, was more than acceptable. No wonder I now have strict rules on female hair colour. Brunette or nothing, which isn't that cool nowadays. I blame my Dad, Bravo, Diana and Linda for me being single. And everyone else for not inventing a time machine sooner.

Can anyone really argue against those ladies in that show though, honestly?
(Vega31, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 1:36, 3 replies)

I was a tender young chap at the age of twelve, my mother was a strict disciplinarian
and i was shy to the whiles of the sexual nature of things.
It was a bright hot summers day, the sky was brilliant blue dotted with furrows of
brilliant white clouds.The smell of grass , still dotted with dew from
the dawn , filled my eager nostrils as i rushed to play with my chums.
As i rushed towards the play area i was stopped by some burly ruffians with the
abject cause to cease my joy and learn me in the ways of humiliation.
Thusly a set of discoloured fingers where wiped under my nose and the scent of
sweet grass was replaced with the most ghastly noxious fumes. Upon querying my
tormentors of the origin of said vile nostril hair burning smell i was then bundled
into the ladies water closet and roughly tied to a cistern with my own belt.
I spent several hours quietly defecating myself with abject fear trying to avoid
any of the female patrons from discovering me, when a curious occurrence happened.
The head master suddenly burst in , he sounded frantic and bewildered.
I called out for assistance and he opened the cubical door and strolled over to
me nonchalantly. He ran his fingers through my hair , i found this comforting and
stopped crying.
He then proceeded to untie me and take me to his office where we watched hardcore porn
until my parents arrived to chastise me for being a wuss.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 1:02, 1 reply)

The Lovers' Guide videos
that I found at the back of my dad's drawer were partly horrifying but turned out to be extremely useful later in life.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 0:52, 1 reply)

Aibal was I 'ere I saw labia
Well, better than "Tnuc was I..."

Or "Sguj was I..."

Or ynnaf, anigav, yssup, stit...
(roysin, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 0:34, 2 replies)

Oh god this is embarrassing
But I guess it's always going to be.

As a pre-teen, my dad always had a garage well-stocked with calendars of ladies with their jubblies out. I'm not sure if my dad even used the calendars for their intended purpose (marking dates and that). In fact, I think it was March for a whole year in 1989 thanks to Fiona from Croydon and her luscious shirt potatoes.

Anyway, I started noticing something strange happening whenever I looked at dad's pornographic date tables. My little chap, who was then at his littlest and most chappiest, would move ever so slightly whenever I looked at the calendar.

My feeble little mind was unable to comprehend how there was a link between what I saw and how my appendage reacted (actually, to this day I don't think I've been able to figure that out), so I shouted out - in front for my parents - "COR! SHE'S A WILLY-WAGGLER!"

From here, whenever I saw a scantily-clad buxom young lass in the paper I'd shout out "COR! SHE'S A WILLY-WAGGLER!" Or if there was an attractive member of the fairer sex on TV (probably Debbie McGee) (standards were low in the 80s) there would be the inevitable cries of "COR! SHE'S A WILLY-WAGGLER!"

My parents found this all rather amusing, and didn't ever try to stop me. Until one day when I was in town with my mum and I saw a rather curvacious woman in skimpy summer clothing. The inevitable shout went out to the extent that I think she heard me. Cue inevitable bollocking from mum, who didn't seem to think it was that funny anymore.

I didn't say it after that.
(hnnrs, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 0:15, 10 replies)

shocked by pubes
as i young lad (9ish?) i went swimming with my bro and cousin. my cousin was only a couple of years older and to me was pretty much the same age. there were cubicles for changing and i thought it would be funny to pop my head under the cubicle door and say helloooo.
but when i did this i was confronted by the hideous sight of his rather hirsute gentlemen's area. the sight of this was so shocking to me that i didn't say anything and thankfully he didn't see me either. at the time i thought there was something seriously wrong with him.
(Dread Pirate Roberts, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 0:00, Reply)

first was, i'm guessing, my best mates older brothers porn stash which he discovered whilst rooting around in his room for a heavy metal tape. he copped a "spazwhack" (2 dead arms and 2 dead legs) for nicking it but reckoned it was well worth it. I concurred :)

worst was probably when sometime later aged about 17, a whole gang of us browsing though the impressive stash of European porn that we knew another friends parents owned, found a bunch of polaroid pics of said parents in some rather hardcore poses and gear(strapons n that) , and even some gangbang pics with them and another couple that they were friends with. very good friends by the looks of it.


there was also one bloke whos paper i used to deliver who'd get a load of jazzmags every month (2 a week, razzle, penthouse etc) , and despite them being in a paper bag, we'd still have to deliver them. they were often well passed around by the time they left the paper shop. i doubt that happens these days.
(Matty73, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 23:43, Reply)

First rude thing I saw? I didn't see it. But I felt it.
TL:DR I got Fondled as kid, but Karma paid him back.

I had a wonderful childhood, both my parents loved me very much, we weren't too poor, but not well off enough to be snobs. All in all I was very sheltered, and a happy boy.

One New years day, my oldest cousin brought her new boyfriend around to meet the family, she had always been a bit of a problem, but my Mum was like a mum to her, as she'd fallen out with her own parents and gotten into bad crowds. Anyway, her new boyfriend was quite a bit older than her, i'd guess around 15 years older than her, and she was 17 at the time, I was nearly 8.
Anyway, everyone was sat in the garden, grownups having a friendly drink, me and my sisters playing when I went into the house to go to the toilet. As I was leaving the bathroom, I met the boyfriend in the hallway landing. He pulled me into a side room and held me by the back of my neck on the bed. As I said before, I was very sheltered and a good kid, so I kind of just went into shock and rigid. He pulled my shorts down, all the while pinning my face into the pillow, and grabbed my balls with his hand and fondled them. I'm not sure if something disturbed him or he lost his nerve, but after a moment or so of this, he leaned into my ear and said, if I tell anyone what had happened he'd kill [Cousins name] and my parents.

I stayed there a few minutes after he left, by the time I'd sneaked back to the garden, he and my cousin had left.
I planned to tell my parents about it, but Karma did my work for me. He had his head physically removed in a motorbike accident less than a month later. I like to think my hatred of him did it, which I know is ridiculous, but I'm not bitter about it. The Prick.
P.S. His sudden death meant that my Cousin will always remember him fondly, and was depressed for several years later. But is now married and happy to a nice guy with a kid form a previous marriage. Everyone ended up happy!
( Anal_Volley_Net, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 23:25, 5 replies)

Retching hilarity
The first gag inducing porn so it'll do...

In my very late teens at the time, a few of us were at a mates flat and the vhs was aired.

Classic late 70s stylee, set by a pool where the boyish blonde pool boy was making eyes at the rather fit black lady with big jugs in the bikini.

They begin to get it on. If pays several minutes attention to her ample breasts. If makes his was down to beantown and
FLOP!
A substantial alabama blacksnake slithers out from its lycra lair, followed immediately by the first dialogue. The voice was that of James Earl Jones after 40 marlboro and a litre of wild turkey;

"Suck my cock you JIVE MUTHA FUCKER"

Still makes of cock to even think of it now.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:57, Reply)

I don't remember the first alas
but the sand dunes of my youth were stuffed with porn! Mind you some of it was pretty nasty, lol!
(bottle_cap, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:54, Reply)

My sex education started at 6.
So I had a vague intellectual understanding of the mechanics as a young child... but nothing more.

As a generally curious little boy, attempting to learn more, I asked my parents: "If a prostitute is someone who has sex for money, is a destitute someone who does it for free?"
(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:50, 5 replies)

I'm a child of the '80s
I could talk to you about coming home from school to watch Karen Keating host Blue Peter, and how she made me feel funny inside.

I could talk about Paul Daniel's Magic Show and the incredible frilly miniskirts that the lovely Debbie McGee used to wear. I loved watching that programme but I would always have to sit with a cushion over my pyjama bottoms because I was ashamed of what was happening to Mr. Pee-pee.

The first really rude thing I ever saw, though, was thanks to my older cousin Dave. I was about twelve, and I idolised him. Dave was 18. He had a motorbike and an air rifle which he taught me how to shoot. I was probably a pretty irritating child to him but he never let that show, was always kind and patient and happy to include me in whatever he was doing.

Including looking at his enormous collection of grot.

Now this sounds very, very dodgy indeed but Dave was and is a fine man who had absolutely no interest in pubescent boys. He read his mags, and I was in the room so he gave me one to look at too. That was it. It was a surreal situation, looking back: we were like two elderly gentlemen sitting in a Pall Mall club silently reading the FT, occasionally calling each other's attention to a particularly disgraceful example of asset mispricing.

I remember he was a fan of Knave, Fiesta and Playboy, in the main. There was also an un-named small-format German magazine in which the models in every photo - male and female alike - were covered from head to toe in huge dollops of creamy spunk. It looked like they'd blown up a Mr. Whippy van. The girls in Playboy were a bit nicer to look at but there weren't as many of them. Fiesta and Knave were really dirty: they liked to show you what the ladies looked like on the inside, too.

I knew I wanted to have a tug but that was impossible in front of my cousin, so I tried to take a mental photograph of each lady. Only one remains in the spank bank: the very first deposit I ever made, right on line one of page one of a very, very long ledger book. She had curly blonde 1980s hair, a pearl necklace (of real pearls) and an open white fur coat. She was making a kind of "Oooh" face. I suppose the Fiesta stylist was going for a kind of "Dirty Diana" look. She was squatting outside next to a tree, her white stilettos piercing the carpet of fallen autumn leaves. Her left hand was parting the lips of her hairy vagina, while her right held a small Yorkshire terrier.

I wouldn't touch her with Spanky's now, but she did the job for a few months. The imagination of a child is such a precious thing.
( Scrumper, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:19, 4 replies)

Urotsukidoji
If you don't know, don't go looking.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:14, 11 replies)

My female babysitter was very conscientious and vigilant
our loo was upstairs and I couldn't be trusted to run around near the top of the stairs without supervision.

My babysitter would pee with the toilet door open

Many years later I have a.........well, let's not call it a fetish, let's just say it's *keen interest*
(essexfriend, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:11, Reply)

Approaching my teens...
...I found myself wondering why my eyes were continuously drawn to my babysitter's bum.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 11 Aug 2011, 22:00, 2 replies)

Debbie does Dallas
It was either that or some ASCII 9-pin dot matrix printed art
(resistanceisfutile, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping/Doctor/Nurse.
Oh, the shame, the shame.

NOW GERROUT OF MOI PUB!

(unless it was Cleo Rocos in Kenny Everett, maybe?).

Then again my folks used to insist on taking me on holidays to France where the beaches were full of topless women and then sharply remonstrating with me for staring.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 21:34, Reply)

Honestly cant remeber
When I was about 8 or 9, a friend had some hard core magazines. This was the late 70's, and there were cum-shots and everything (They were foreign, possibly Sweish?) Ive since found he may have got them from a teacher at school. I didnt really "get it".

Also saw "10", really dont remeber much other than Bo Dereck's hair.

I watched ToTP, but was bored by Pan's People, and Hot Gossip on Kenny Everett.

Id really appreciate it now!
(kitescreech still here, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 21:22, Reply)

I remember
The first Jazz mag I ever laid eyes on, it was filled from top to bottom with Scat.




To be fair, what else would you expect from Beatnik poetry weekly?
(FondaAccord, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 21:02, 4 replies)

Not the first, but definately the worst
I was 23, and still living at home. My girlfriend at the time and I were discussing(arguing about) something or other. I knew my mom knew the answer, so I ran upstairs to my parents' bedroom, opened the door, and I saw: My mom on her back, legs bent at 45 degree angles, with my dad between them, getting ready to go munching around beantown. Dad looked up at me and said "Can I help you?"

"Nevermind, I forgot what I was gonna ask." Was my reply.

I went back downstairs, scarred, and for the first and only time in my life (so far), I wasn't able to get it up with my girlfriend later on.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 20:41, 3 replies)

Once on a trip to London as a family to watch Millwall play...
We stopped off in a newsagent in Deptford to buy a drink when my Dad pointed and remarked "Look, Pregnant Asian Special!" My brother was probably 10 and me 8.

My Mum scurried us out the shop pretty quickly with a disapproving look on her face.

Although this was the first rude thing I ever saw it didn't really sink in til I was about 17/18, well after I'd discovered more gentleman's leisure reading.

I suppose at the time I thought it was a periodical designed to facilitate the transition from woman to Mother in a still largely ethnically intolerant society.
( JebediahSpringfield, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 20:38, 1 reply)

well....
it was reading a friends dad's Vibrations porn mag....yep reading it as it had stories in it!

Cant find any trace of it opn the net, plus I think there was a mag called Experience as well?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 20:01, 2 replies)

Strange tingly feelings about grown up things -- a potted history
I remember being in the primary school playground one day when a lad found a used condom near the railings. Naturally, he picked it up by jabbing it onto the end of a stick, then waved the stick around and chased people with it. I had no idea why the teachers were so concerned, but I learned the word "condom" that day, and that there was something dirty and grown-up about them.

Then it was half a Page 3 found in the primary school playground. Only half... thankfully the top half. I just remember the sudden mood change as everyone started saying, "Ommm, boobies" and flocked to see it.

By age 12 my friend was keeping a scrapbook of Page 3 clippings.

My first sight of the ladyflower would have been in a copy of Escort that was doing the rounds at school. It was so... bushy. And wicked. And wrong. And amazing. I think the many many gigabytes of pornography I have watched over the years has been all about chasing that feeling of seeing it for the very first time. But it's a feeling you'll only ever have once.

I'll finish with the first hardcore film I saw aged 16. It was a VHS tape that had been copied so many times it was barely viewable, and it was full of old 70s loops. The proper 70s stuff with the proper 70s music. There was a scene with a white girl, then two men (one white, one black) come in to service her. I will remember what the black guy said for the rest of my life:

"THE HONKY CAN HAVE YO' BEAVER, BUT I WANT YO' LITTLE BROWN HOLE, MOMMA!"
( SqueakyG, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 19:24, 1 reply)

I was nine when Kate Bush first appeared on the pop scene...
That shot of her in a leotard smuggling peanuts made a man of me. My whole world went from Micronauts toys to strange, petite brunettes overnight.

Damn, that woman was hot!
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 19:24, 1 reply)

My Mum was away.....
at a residential Adult Literacy Course or some such (she taught some great people to read, I'm pretty proud of her)and my Dad had borrowed a 'film' from a chap at work.

I sat on the stairs that led down into the sitting room (behind the curtains Mum had erected to stop all the heat disappearing up the stairs) and surreptitiously watched Genital Hospital with him blissfully unaware. Thank God he wasn't choking one out.

It was the first time I realised that oral sex wasn't talking about it, and my first sight of an angry penis.

I was 12. Scarred me for life, it did. Probably the reason I made it onto the most popular page of the Annoying Partners qotw.
( Sallyrsm, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 19:06, 2 replies)