I meet my employer's wife in the street. She's wheeling a pram.
Me: Hello etc. Ooh, look, he looks just like Louis [my employer]
Her: I hope not, I'm babysitting for a friend.

Trouble was, he did look like Louis.
( pxyzyzygy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:38, Reply)

is your son disabled?
i worked in an amusement arcade (barrys, if you're from northern ireland) when i was 15. we had a policy that disabled kids (wobblies) and their guardians (keepers) always got on the carousel for free.

my pal - really clever, but no common sense - frequently asked parents if their child was disabled.

he genuinely didnt think he was doing anything wrong, just doing his job efficiently. afterwards we used to watch the bemused parents checking their kids for signs of mong as they went round and round on the horses.

also - another pal's dad beat the tar out of his wife - black eyes, the works. at the time my girlfriends mum worked with my pals mum, and (not knowing that she'd been given a kicking) after seeing her sneak into the office wearing large dark sunglasses, she played a practical joke. she phoned up pretending to be a local rep for a battered wives refuge, would she like to join? my pals mum rightly hung up, never spoke to janes mum again. i heard janes mum tell this story three times, and each time i wanted to blurt out the truth, but never had the balls. it would have killed her.

she was gorgeous. janes mum, not jane.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:33, Reply)

Cabbages
A few years back, the newspapers were full of a story about the drummer in REM who'd just collapsed on tour with a brain hemorrhage. It was our habit in the mornings to just chat about shit before starting the daily grind and this story came up for discussion at which point, one of the team called Warren launched himself into a jokey diatribe about how everybody who'd ever had surgeons monkeying about inside their heads were retarded cabbages. He kept this up for a good couple of minutes, doing spacker impressions, drooling Quasimodo style on his own shoulder and generally being quite unkind before he noticed we were all looking at one of the group called Martin who had just that week returned to work after six months in hospital recovering from a brain hemorrhage...

When the penny finally dropped and Warren came to a shuddering halt, Martin just smiled and said to the rest of us, "He's got a point".

Class!
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:33, Reply)

Goalkeeper
A kid joined our PE group when I was at school and he only had one arm, because we already had all the positions sorted and nobody wanted to go in goal, we made him the goalkeeper. Needless to say we lost heavily, as he could only save any shots to the right.

I learnt my lesson
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:15, Reply)

Baan
A colleague of mine took an early morning flight over to Holland to spend a couple of days with the grand-fromages of a very large Dutch software company called Baan (now defunct).

There was no food on the outbound flight and they neglected to offer him lunch, so by the time he sat down to dinner with the entire board of directors and their wives at a meal laid on in his honour at the CEO's house, he was bloody famished and launched himself with great gusto at the starters. Whilst busily stuffing food into his mouth, he looked up to find twenty-eight people staring at him in silence. After pausing to wonder why the odd reaction to a man eating food, the CEO stood up and spent the next thirty minutes saying 'grace'...

doh!
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:15, Reply)

One courtesy of my girlfriend's dad
He wanders around singing to himself all the time, really really loudly becasue he is deaf. One time he was giving a lift to someone who had recently been left by his wife and for reasons known only to himself he burst into "I wonder who's kissing her now". He only realised what he was doing after he got to the end of the verse:

"If you want to feel wretched, lonely, and blue
Just imagine the girl you love best
In the arms of some fellow who's stealing a kiss
From the lips you once fondly pressed"

At which point he hastily stopped singing the words but carried on going "Tra la la la la laaa laaa de daaaa hmmm hmmm mmmm mm mmmmmmmm" instead, as the bloke sat there next to him snivelling.
(Nathalie Imbruglia's Cellist's Cello, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:12, Reply)

I was on a rather crowded bus
Heading into the uni on a frosty november morning. I was running a little late, and as a result was a bit pissed off as i had an exam later that day.

About half way there, the bus stops at a bus stops suddenly for no apparent reason. After sitting in silence watching the other passengers eerily staring into space, i decide to strike up some conversation with a fellow passenger, only to be met with silence and an irritated glare. Undeterred, i ask, very loudly, (fuck knows why, the bus was silent) If anyone has a metro theyre finished with. Silence, more annoyed looks. So i start up my CD player to entertain myself till the bus starts moving again. Sure enough, the bus does continue a moment or two later.

About 30 mins later i finally found a Metro to read ond noticed the date. November 11th. Id just shat all over the 2 min silence. Fucksocks.
(Rushy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:10, Reply)

I used to pop
into an agency that represented me for a while quite often and got chatting to one of the accounts guys about footie every time I went in. I'd also known one of the girls that worked in there for years and suggested to this chap one day that he 'got in there' explaining that she went like a shit-house door in a gale, took it up the shitter, the lot. Didn't know that he was seeing her as they were keeping it quiet from the whole office. As I was leaving I stopped to say goodbye to her just as he buzzed through to ask what I was on about.
( routine has perfected burgers, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:08, Reply)

I quit shortly after...
Possibly a pearoast, but my drug-addled brain prevents me from remembering, so here I go... again... maybe...

I used to work in a call centre answering calls on behalf of other companies, pretending to be that other company, then passing the message on when they returned from lunch, or the following morning.

So about lunchtime this call drops in to me (names changed for Obv. reasons)...
Me: "Good afternoon, ***blah*** Funeral Directors. How can I help?"
Caller: "Hello, my name is Mr. Brown. I'm wondering if it would be OK for me to pop in and see Mrs. Brown?"
Me (not knowing the name of *anyone* who worked for this funeral directors): "I'm sorry, but Mrs. Brown is a bit busy. If you want, I'll ask her to contact you when she gets a spare moment."

It's at this point my mind begain screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Caller (with me awaiting the inevitable): "No, you don't understand..."
No. I understood. I understood only to well... just far, far too late.
"... Mrs. Brown is my wife. She died last week."

A combination of realised-stupidity, and the mental image of some doddery old bloke avidly waiting by a ouija board for a reply meant I had to put him on hold while I disintegrated into a mixture of hysterics, tears and sheer panic as to what to say next.
(minister of heresy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:06, Reply)

Adoption
I was with a couple of mates and we was talking about another mate who was a bit wierd and was nothing like his mum or dad and i said something about adopted freaks or something,(i was young and rude ok?) when it dawned on me about 3 seconds later what i had said, one of the blokes i was with was adopted and he just gave me the dirtiest look in the world! i felt like dying.
(BoatMan, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:04, Reply)

Christmas '01 A nice seasonal one.
Was Christmassing round the Sis-in-laws with the family and the outlaws. 6 adults, 4 kids type of thing. When a friend of theres invited himself around since he had nowhere else to go. Aw shame.

All was going well for a day or 2 until I spotted a bottle of Bells Whisky lying around and considering myself a bit of a Whisky snob (if it's not malt then it's muck type of thing), and of course wanting to get one over on the brother-in-law I started laying into him about how cheap he was putting out a bottle of 'cooking' whisky when the father-in-law and I had brought a couple of bottles of single malt along. yadda yadda ya.
The fact that he went quiet and didn't react baited me further and I went into the full 'Oh how I miss those heather covered hills' mode.

That was until I was told sheepishly that James (the friend) had brought the whisky along as a present as he felt guilty having invited himself to stay for Christmas.

I didn't even have the excuse that I had a belly full inside me at that point. But, you can be sure I made up for it after then. James left later saying he was going to visit a couple of friends for a night or two after that.
(t3d on FTLFM now http://83.149.101.8:8070/listen.pls, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:01, Reply)

Hangs head in shame...
A couple of years ago, my local primary school asked me to help out with a school trip to some museum or other.

I was escorting a group of six kids from the coach park when I noticed that one of the brats was clearly eating an enormous sweet of some description, most likely a gobstopper. So I told him to hand out the sweets to his classmates rather than being a greedy guts and keeping them all to himself.

Cue embarrased shoe-gazing from five kids and tears for ten minutes from a child suffering since he was a baby with cysts inside his mouth...

I still cringe at the memory.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:00, Reply)

New York Blunder
A few months after the terrorist attacks in America, I was relating a joke via email I had heard regarding the incident(VERY poor form, I know, but it was funny...) Unfortunately I hit reply-all, forgetting to just send it to the people I knew well. So off this bloody thing goes to masses of people I didn't know, most of whom live in New York. Christ. D'oh. Aaarrgghhh!!!
( Strangey is present at, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:54, Reply)

I have no idea why,
but one day my mother answered the phone by saying "hello, Funeral parlour" in a creepy morbid kind of voice.By some cruel twist of fate it was a friend of the family calling to say that she was recently bereaved. You should have seen the look on my mother's face.
(Nathalie Imbruglia's Cellist's Cello, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:53, Reply)

President of Malta
My brother's girlfriend is Maltese and her parents had been invited to the President's ball to be feted with Ferrero Rocher. When they arrived a man approached and her mum gave him her coat, thinking it was the cloakroom attendent. It wasn't. It was the President of their country. Bless him.
(wattoo, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:49, Reply)

mate of mine was talking to a regular...
at the pub we frequent. Having a genial chat about Mothers day and what they were up to. Regular pipes up that his mother died on mothers day the previous year. What my mate said next was beyond belief, she pipes up 'well, think of the money you'll save' yea gods, i just wanted to disappear. Then the regular says 'spose you're right' and starts laughing. Cue mixed state of shock and embarresment...
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:44, Reply)

Professional Tact...
About 4 years ago I earned my stripes as a qualified nurse.
I then took up my first(and indeed, current post) working on a busy burns unit.
Anyway one afternoon, early into my career on said unit I was chatting away with one of the patients, a guy about my age who'd suffered in the region of 80% burns, following an accident at work which had set his clothes on fire and knocked him out cold, but now well on the road to recovery.
The topic of conversation was the ambient temperature of the unit(it's alaways fuckin' hot on the unit as burns patient tend to lose their ability to regulate body temperature properly and get cold very quickly and it's weasier to keep someone warm than it is cool), which was pretty darn sweltering.

Firsdt remark out of my mouth to this guy?
'Jesus it's bloody hot in here today, you must be roasting'.

Agonised pause followed by the bloke saying to me 'I think You'll find I was roasted 2 months ago'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:40, Reply)

So many, but this is my favourite!
I did work experience at a primary school a few years ago, and was helping a little girl with her paintings. When it was done I said 'That's nice, are you going to take it home to show your mummy and daddy?' and she replied, 'My daddy died from cancer last year, and now mummy lives with a woman. Grandma will like it though!'. Thankfully, at that moment, the bell rang and she ran off!
( CaroWallis, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:39, Reply)

Lesson: Search the house top 2 bottom before you open your mouth & put your foot in it in true spectacular fashion!
Several years ago I had been out on a girls shopping trip with my mother.. upon returning to her house we unloaded the bags and sat down for a glass of wine in the kitchen, believing no one to be home.

I proceeded to bring up how her boyfriend had acted like a complete twunt the day before and why did he have to put on such a front about everything, who the hell was he trying to impress... I continued to rant about him for several minutes with my mum more or less defending him. As I paused for breath and a sip of wine we heard him cough upstairs. He had been sitting, completely within earshot, and no doubt heard every one of my snipey comments.

He came downstairs a few minutes later & acted like nothing had happened. I could have died & squirmed everytime I saw him for about a month after that...I'm pretty sure he heard me but he has NEVER ever said anything...
(hulagirl, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:37, Reply)

Who's the fact knacker in the boob tube then?
Last year my boyfriend & I went out on the town with a mate of his & his mates wife.. during the night they bumped into some people they knew and we all went on for drinks together at another bar. Getting on towards the 2am mark we all decided to call it a night & were making our way back to the train station to go home. I was bringing up the rear of our stragggling bunch with my boyfriend & his mate. Totally out the blue my boyfriend just turns round to his mate and asks 'who his wifes fat knacker of a friend in the boob tube is'. Uhh,... her sister he replied... (and she was pregnant although we didn't find that out til 3 months later!) CLASSIC!
(hulagirl, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:29, Reply)

A right bozo
While at work in the lab about 5 years ago, I called a technical support line for a spectrophotometer (an expensive bit of lab equipment). They guy on the other end was a bit slow, and I was hanging on for ages while he took his time looking through files etc.

Anyway, a colleague walked by and asked "why's it taking so long?". I put my hand over the phone mouthpiece and said "this guy on the other end sounds like a right bozo!".

Needless to say, the next thing I heard on the other end of the hone was "Actually sir I'm not a bozo, and I suggest you look elsewhere for technical support!" Oooff.
( BamaSS, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:25, Reply)

hmpf
called a few teachers cunts and bastards, but most of them didn't hear it. some did, twatbadgers, got me a few detentions.
(synthacon9 likes white wine and nutella, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:20, Reply)

Aahh, wont do that again......
I really fancied this guy at college. He wasn't your typical stud, but I really liked him. While talking about it with a friend I was a little embarassed and just blurted out 'God, I can't believe I fancy someone who's bald and crossed-eyed....

He was standing behind me. Strangely enough we never got it together.
(Quackhandle, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:15, Reply)

you what?
A friend of mine called my house wanting to speak to me, my dad answered. Now not only do me and dad look alike we sound alike.
The conversation went a little like this:
phone rings, dad picks it up says "hello", friend goes "aright phil you cunt"
dad replies, "yes he is, but this is his dad, i'll put him on"
(philthy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:14, Reply)

At the dogs
A couple of years ago I was at the dogs with my pal. We saw an old school 'acquaintance' who no one at school particularly liked. When she was in the queue to put on a bet my pal was explaining to someone that we used to call this girl "fishy pussy fanny" (schoolkids are so kind) and that she used to be a complete slapper. Next thing my mate knew she was being tapped on the shoulder by a bloke who then informed her that she was actually talking about his daughter. Oh how we laughed...
(Modster2k, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:12, Reply)

Time is a squeeler
I was just back from a year and a half living in the netherlands and I met this girl i used to go to school with, she was far from a stick insect, well she could have been the stick insect that had eaten all the other stick insects(all of them!) anyway i had heard that she was going to have a baby when i was away so as i was passing she said hello and asked how I'd been I said grand good time and me brain still a bit dull and all I asked her when you gonna pop the sprog and she answered that she had given birth to a little girl three weeks previous, after a suitably long and painfull silence I made no excuses and ran away ran away to the safety of a few more whiskeys.
(We Love You Jimi!, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:08, Reply)

Then there was the time I was at a huge joint birthday party...
because I was sitting at a table near the front of the room the stage magician caught my eye and threw a deck of cards to me, urging me to "Make eye contact and then throw them on to someone else." This I duly did, and with that deadly accuracy that only ever comes when you least need it, threw the deck of cards about 25 yards (no kidding- it was an absolute beauty) and hit an 82 year old man square in the face.

Embarrassing? I should fucking say so- over 100 people witnessed my barbaric attack on the Birthday girls' Dad/ Grandad!
(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:07, Reply)

Feeling a right t*t
Ages ago, my mate's wife had just given birth to a healthy bouncing baby boy whom they'd named Daniel. About a week later I popped around to say my hello's. As I walked through the door my mate said that he'd taped a footie game for me (as I had requested) and asked if I wanted to watch it. My loud reply was "No thanks, I'd rather watch Daniel!"

Cue me walking into the front room to find Daniel sucking greedily on my mate's wife's exposed, milk-bloated breast. So I'm a perv who gets off watching little babies suck on titties, eh?

Once my girlfriend (now my wife of 8.5 years) picked me up from a pub. As we were about five minutes from home I deemed it unnecessary to fasten my seat-belt. Girlfriend (being stroppy type) tells me to put it on. Me says no. G/f says put it on. Me say no.

Girlfriend stops car, and says she won't move until I put belt on. Me - not wishing to diminishing chances of bj fun later that evening (okay, being scared of her) puts on belt.

G/f, with smug, satisfied smile, drives off . . . straight through a red light. A small victory for the common man.

Oh, and this one happened last week. My son Ben is six, and we were on our way back from Skegness on the train. Six year olds pay fares on trains, five year olds do not. My son makes friends with the small boy sitting opposite him. Eventually, mother of the small boy asks Ben how old he is.

"I'm six!" says Ben, "but Daddy says when I'm on a train I'm five!"

Oh, and when I was about seven and sitting on a crowded bus I proudly and loudly told my mum that she had a moustache.

I'm just a cnut, I think.
(SneakyPete, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:03, Reply)

To someone who was looking unhappy
Me: "What's up with you, did your gran die or something?"

Him: (Stares at me) "..."

Turns out he was just back from the hospital after visiting his terminally ill gran.

I didn't know. I swear.
( izb posting occasional messages since 2001, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:57, Reply)

To a colleague in the pub
(An I have no idea whatsoever what made me say this, apart from the fact that she looked miserable)

Me: "Go on, pull a funny face!"

Her: "Are you taking the piss? That's not very funny."

Turns out she was in a lot of pain after a detnal operation and her face was still slightly paralysed.
( izb posting occasional messages since 2001, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:55, Reply)