At a BBQ, chatting to some friends of friends
I was talking to a very nice lady who sounded a bit 'foreign' I assumed one of the Scandinavian countries so I asked which..

"Oh no, I've got a speech impediment"
(LetsGetDownToIt, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 9:08, 1 reply)

My mother-in-law told us about how her brother was 'round one afternoon.
They were both staring out of the kitchen window at the garden, and he said, "Great tits, Peg."

Then desperately, "IN THE HEDGE!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 8:39, 6 replies)

Don't patronise old ladies
My granny lived with us when I was young, but when she needed round-the-clock support, we had to cart her off to an old folk's home. It was an overheated place where the tea and coffee was lukewarm and milky and they piped stultifying music into the main lounge where all the oldsters hung out. My granny made friends with another old granny called Bessie, and they would sit together and discuss the failings of the younger generations.

My family and I often went to visit, and we'd sit sweating, sipping dreadful coffee and straining for something to talk about. One evening, housewives favourite Daniel O'Donnell was being piped in, and I patronizingly remarked to Bessie, "Ah, I bet you like that Daniel O'Donnell."

Bessie turned to me with a sour grimace. "No," she said. "He's a poof!"

1-0 to the old lady.
(McChinaman banned, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 8:18, Reply)

Wrong diagnosis
Receptionist: ‘Goob mording, (company name), how cad I heb you.
Me: Can I have your accounts department please?
R: Who ib cawding pease.
M: You poor thing, you sound terrible, have you got a cold?
R: No.
M:………
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 1:29, 2 replies)

Upon learning that a mutual friend's charming new partner was from Cleveland...
...a mate blurted "Cleveland...ain't that where they all nonce their kids?" to the now freshly traumatised incest survivor.

Unfortunately truer than true.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 0:02, 1 reply)

A pea, but fits the bill
Some years ago when business was actually good, my company decided to treat its best customers to a day go-karting. As an employee it was basically a day off so we were all keen, but having customers there meant you were supposed to be on your best behavior at all times.

As a generic work drone, I and a few others were treated to a lengthy lecture by our boss prior to the event on how to conduct yourself when out with clients. You know the drill, make chit-chat at all times, makes them feel special, don't do anything to soil the company's reputation.

Skip forward a few hours and we're all at track-side getting into our suits and making sure everyone has the right equipment. One of the young girls in our team isn't particularly happy with the fragrance of the equipment she's been given. Turning to our most important customer and shouting over the noise of the engines, she's says with absolute innocence: "Tim, have you got a smelly helmet?"

Thank god you can't hear people laughing when they've got crash helmets on.
(BinDipper, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 17:36, 1 reply)

I once spent the day ferrying my girlfriend's gay sister around the many lesbian bars of Eastbourne, looking for her missing girfriend
At the end of the day, as I dropped her home, she thanked me for my help. Without pausing to think, I replied,

"No problem - it never hurts to have a dyke owing you a favour..."

Luckily she found it funny - after a short and rather worrying pause.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 16:54, 12 replies)

A gay guy I know called Andrew
was playing with a cat. I walked by and remarked "Oh, I didn't think you were into pussy." I had that 'onosecond', but luckily he thought it was funny.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 16:02, 7 replies)

I was out for Drinks a year or so ago in Leadenhall market
My boss had brought out a few potential clients. Keen to impress, beers were bought, jokes were being told.

There was 3 clients, one who didnt speak (but drank lots) an Australian dude, and a Welsh guy. The welsh guy had loads of jokes, each one more dirtier than the last one. Everyone laughed, with a tinge of oohhhhshhhh... with each punch line. He was pushing the boundaries of taste. But each one was accepted.

We had just reached the boundary of quadriplegic getting spaffed on, when, judging the moment was right, i pepped up with one of Sickipedias finest. Judging the taste now to be at 'docker level' I pulled out the following joke. The men shushed, turned to face and listen.

"A man is at the bar with a friend, he turns to his friend and says 'you know what? I could have any girl in here if i wanted' His friend turns and queries 'oh right? how so?'..... the man sips his pints licks his lips and nonchalantly replies '...because I’m a Rapist '

To the choir of "ooooooooohhffff" It was literally 1 second later that the group collectively realised that it needed to either, go the bar, go the toilet, make that important call, check work email.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 15:12, 9 replies)

Step aside... I think i'll have the title for this week
I invited a friend over for dinner and I made a lovely salad and roast dinner. After dinner I was cleaning up when she mentioned that the salad reminded her mum who used to make something very similar. Her mum had died the year before from cancer.

Then I said something so monumentally stupid I can't even fathom what I was thinking at the time, 'I thought I saw you crying at dinner. I just thought it was because my salad was so good'.

AWKWARD.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 14:56, 9 replies)

Scarpe reminds me of a male gay couple we know.
We've known them for years, and they're a lovely, refined pair of gents, who prefer the finer things in life, and live in style, luxury, and formal beauty.

They'd come over to visit Mrs V one Friday evening. I'd gone out with a few mates, and got back quite pissed.

I got in, grabbed a beer and went to the living room, where Mrs V and they were in deep conversation about ... something or other.

They acknowledged me, and in the process I sat down, opened my beer, lit a cigarette, and enquired "So ... one thing everyone wonders is ... how do you decide?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 14:50, 16 replies)

In the middle of a long roadtrip
there were 5 of us in the car. It was a little cramped and we stopped to get out and stretch or legs. Anyway, I'd been sat next to a cute girl and loudly proclaimed when we arrived at the service station that it was time to get out and "spread your legs"...


The rest of the ride was awkward.
( zulu eh?, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 14:49, 2 replies)

A friend of mine recently had her husband of 10 years,
the father of her three children, leave her for a man.

She probably wasn't the person I should have asked the question 'Hey, do you reckon Ian Thorpe is gay?'.

To her credit, after a slight stunned pause, she laughed and pointed out that her track record of knowing things like that wasn't the best.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 14:33, Reply)

"Oh no, it's not for bumfun, she's just a bit tight!"
I blurted out nervously to the girl on the checkout in response to her single eyebrow raise as she scanned the lube.

My girlfriend didn't talk to me all the way home.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 14:09, 10 replies)

My ex was born without social filters: the concepts of "tact", "discretion" and "consideration for other people's feelings" are alien to her
Consequently I was often wishing the ground would open up and swallow me.

Perhaps the worst was emerging from the cinema after she'd spend the entire three hours of Schindler's List laughing loudly...

She was Jewish, by ancestry, as it happens.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 13:44, 3 replies)

Perhaps not so much "Foot In Mouth", but as my mate says
"Don't you just hate it when you say something dickish, trying to be funny, and people miss it and just think you're a dick?"

THIS is my problem.

For example, I generally find talking about work with anyone other than my workmates immensely boring, not to mention unimaginative.

I'd was temping, and that evening after work was at a birthday party, chatting to a girl Mrs V works with.

"I hear you're working at the XYZ govt department at the moment" says she, "How's that going?"

I know she was just trying to be polite, and I thought I would try to mock both myself and my work in my response, to try and get a laugh, and generally chivvy things along:

"Yes it's OK" I said, "Although ..." *dramatic pause* "The other day, I accidentally filed some A-Run topsheets ... with the B-Run topsheets! Hahahahahahaha!"

"Er ... yeah ... " said she, "I'm, er ... just ... er ... going to the loo ..." she said, taking her drink with her.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 13:36, 1 reply)

When John Paul 2 died, they set off the air raid sirens in Warsaw
having only been living here six months, I had no idea what was going on (I didn't watch the local news) and figured something awful might be happening, so I phoned the girlfriend just to remind her how much I loved her.
"Why are you doing this?" she queried, and I told her the Russians must be invading again or somesuch.
"No, you fool, the Pope just died," she scolded, to which I let out a relieved "thank fuck for that."

The line went dead.

this is a repost because I'm a lazy cunt
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 13:22, 2 replies)

I suggested a QOTW asking people to relate embarrassing things they said by accident.
Then, when my suggestion was accepted and answers started appearing, I posted numerous snotty replies, attacking people for having said embarrassing things by accident. I was completely oblivious to the way this made me look like a total scuzzball.

Yours, BraynDedd,
(ubergeekian, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 13:06, 36 replies)

Honestly - some people are just so prissy.
Signed,

Jim Davidson.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:51, 1 reply)

we were trying to get hold of some massive drugs
At 3am one Saturday. I was in a living room with a group of people; half of whom I knew and half of whom I’d never met before in my life. The massive drugs dealer in question was understandably quite reluctant to travel all the way over to the other side of London at such an hour and the deal didn't look likely. I suggested we play on his heart strings a little bit and tell him that one of our group's mum had just died and we'd dragged him out for the night to try to cheer him up. How was I to know that one of the people I didn't know's mother had indeed died 2 weeks earlier from cancer? Pin drop, eyes like daggers, all of that shit. Yeah.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:45, Reply)

My mate and I thought it would be funny if we 'phoned up my girlfriend's grandfather to tell him about what we'd got up to with her in bed.
He wasn't best pleased.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:13, 6 replies)

Irish Dancing

In my defense and I was drunk and I am a idiot sober.

I was at a party I was bimmbling through a room of people and caught the words "Irish dancing" I turned and looked for the source of this for I had an opinion on Irish dancing and I was going to share it because I'm great and my opinions are great(all drunk people think this)

I spotted the group a girl sat on a chair with her feet in the lap of another girl and a few others standing around

"'s bloody stoopid Irish dancing" I proclaim "all that wiggly feet and no arms they look like twats"
The girl with her feet up says "actually it's very hard to do"

"that makes it worse then, if you have to try hard to look stupid. If you're gonna put all that effort in you may as well look cool or elegant not like a leprechaun who accidentally stood on a live wire"

I looking at my audience and realise they are all dumb struck, my drunken brain fumbles for something else to say I realise the girl with her feet up had an ankle in a bandage. Brilliant I think a topic change "what happened to your foot?"

"I sprained it" she said in what I now realise is an Irish accent "Irish dancing"
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:36, Reply)

I once mistook a garage for a shed!!!
When the revolution comes people like me will be first with our back against the wall. And good riddance too!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:31, 10 replies)

Love is...
I'd been married to my first wife for about a month or so when her mum died of cancer.

Even though we were newlyweds, it wasn't the happiest of times, of course, and she really struggled to get through it. So, to bring a little bit of cheer to my wife's life, I cooked a really nice meal at home. She appreciated it, but still couldn't shake off this gloom - not even for a night.

We were both clearing up in the kitchen after the meal and the shell of the watermelon I'd served as part of the meal was sitting on the worktop.

In an impromptu attempt to make her laugh at my stupidity, I put it on my head, like a helmet, and shouted "Oh no, I've got a melon-oma!".

I hung my head in shame the second I realised what I'd said and she ran off upstairs in tears, leaving me to finish the clearing up, alone.
(Expiry, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 1:04, 3 replies)

Last Christmas
at my local shop, young lady on the till wearing an awful gaudy Christmas related top.
Me: Oh no, are they making you wear that horrible thing *smile*
Her: No. this is mine...

oops. grab bacon, make exit.
(technocore, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 0:51, Reply)

D'oh
I used to work for a blind employer who had lost both of his eyes in an industrial accident.... I remember saying to him once... "better than a poke in the eye"....... makes me cringe even now and it was about 20 years ago!
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sun 19 Aug 2012, 20:50, 4 replies)

There was a guy in a wheelchair in my class at Uni...
he arrived late one day and our lecturer told him to

'Pull up a pew'

Ouch
(kendohmassif Fritzl Burger Monkey Chode, Sun 19 Aug 2012, 20:48, 2 replies)

about 11 years old and our family was visiting my mum's brother and his family
During an evening dinner the grown-ups are talking in mirthful tones about the Kenny Everett show, when attention was brought to the character called Cupid Stunt, and the oldies were tittering about various lines in the sketches.

'Of course', said my auntie to my mum with a wink, as of someone talking above the heads of children, 'you know the name's a Spoonerism'. Being brought up in a strict Catholic family, my mum didn't get it. Neither did I. So I piped up, 'Mum, what's a Spoonerism'? all innocent, like. Distracted, she said 'When you swap the first letters of words around and it sounds funny'.

Also being brought up as a Catholic and in a Catholic school system, I did not compute the import of saying out loud 'So, he's meant to be called ......."Stupid Cunt?".

*tumbleweed......distant church bells.....a dog barking several streets away*

I knew I'd done something heinous, but as it was obvious I did not know I'd done it, I escaped the expected clip round the ear and being sent out of the room.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 19 Aug 2012, 20:42, 2 replies)