yesterday..
getting up at the end of a lecture and bored of eating at the same place we have the last 8 weeks
a few of us decided to go to a differnt fast food place that is far superior but more of walk
now those living in the london area will know it was pissing it down monday.So upon seeing this about 5 of the guys pussied out
so we trecked through the rain enduring tornados, eathquakes and II world wars (or a bit of rain and a hill i cant quite remember)
just as we could see the warm, dry, inviting lights at the top of the hill one of my mates discovers a £20 on the floor
so we had a HUGE bargain bucket between us and becase they didnt have any doughnut balls they gave us
a fat tub of ice cream
so naturally we bragged our tits off when we got back
(kristofski6992, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 19:52, Reply)

Girlfriend
I "met" her 14 years ago when she was in the not-so-lovely city of Hull. She was a mate of my sisters and I only ever spoke to her on the phone. She had a cute voice is all I can remember. Last year my sister asked me to track her down. I live in Tokyo and finding people is next to impossible unless you're a pig-officer or Magnum P.I. or something. But I managed to find her and we got on really well. She had just divorced a bastard of a bloke and I'd just got divorced too. We ended up seeing each other and she's fantabulous!!!

Fate? Maybe. A good find? Yes.

Sorry for a serious one.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 18:39, 8 replies)

Not the best..........
But I've recently found I've lost feeling in the skin of my left hand*, a little all over, but completely on the skin of my finger joints. I discovered this after neatly removing the skin from my left ring finger second knuckle with an extremely sharp pair of scissors.

Only noticed when a colleague fainted and I went to help her. I covered her blouse (and a bit of her face)with blood from my hand, which alerted me to my injury. Unfortunately it meant that, when she woke, she saw herself covered in blood..................and promptly fainted again.

When the paramedics arrived they saw a burly guy with a very bloody left hand, standing over a slightly-built woman with a blood-spattered face and blouse.


Oh, how we laughed!**





*This is actually a good thing as it has alerted me to the possibility that the spinal surgery I had last year may have become unstable. MRI in the next week or so should confirm/deny.



**(Once I'd explained the circumstances to the two coppers that the paramedics called.)
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 17:54, 6 replies)

I have just found...
A bag of maggots in our fridge at work. I think the contents of the bag started out as ham or hummos - not sure which, but defo smelt disgusting. Like discharge. Dirty work colleagues.
(neveryoumind, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 17:26, 2 replies)

My best friend
We found each other in college and over the years she has always been there for me no matter what,I have found myself in the middle of an absolute mess...I can barely talk about it...and she is going to hop on a plane to come visit and drink wine and listen to me sob my heart out...you really can't beat that.
(LittleRock is planning her next meal, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 17:11, Reply)

Compliments
I found out that, apparently, the phrase "I didn't realise it was you over there, I was checking out your arse!" is not considered by my significant other to be a compliment.

Women, eh?
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 16:30, 1 reply)

bath 3
Also, I've found regarding whirlpool baths:

a: the pipes that the water is pumped through act as a large and very efficient heat exchange. The bath goes cold.

b: The result of no one using it is that the pipes don't get flushed out. Soap scum, dead skin and other detritus accrues in the pipes. And then, after several months of neglect, you find yourself home alone one Tuesday afternoon and decide to have a long soak with the whirlpool. Getting in the bath, not considering what might be in the pipes, you switch on the pump and the bathwater goes a light brown colour, smells offensive and has things floating in it.

I couldn't have got out of that bath quicker if someone had thrown a toaster in. I filled the bath with fresh water, added a full bottle of disinfectant and let it run for half an hour. Drained it, refilled the bath and ran it again. Repeated until clean.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 16:20, 5 replies)

Best thing I ever found
Goto be the "G" Spot.......

Nahh sorry that really is too big a lie..
But if anyone has a map the girlfriend would be grateful.. ;-)
(sproutout Aardvarks you gotta love 'em, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 16:16, 8 replies)

bath 2
Other things I've found regarding whirlpool baths.

a: Make sure you turn it off before you stand up to get out. Ours has jets at each end. In a hot bath, the average scotum tends to hang low. I found that when I got up before switching it off, the water level level dropped below the water-jets, consequently, I was hit front and back of my bollocks simultaneously. It hurt.

b: the novelty soon wears off. No-one bothers because it's too much hassle, no-one in our house cares for long-soaks. That coupled with the noise means it goes unused. Also, you can't use any bubble-bath products because the room fills with foam.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 16:14, 5 replies)

bath
we kitted out our bathroom last year. My advice is always go for the biggest bath that'll fit that you can afford. There is no substitute for a large bathtub. Also, don't bother with corner baths, the bit you actually sit in is disappointingly small. One of the things we installed was a whirlpool bath.

I have found regarding whirlpool baths

They're noisier than you think. If you're in the room underneath, they're even louder. If you lay low enough so your ears are underwater, it's even louder still.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 16:13, 1 reply)

A room
behind a little locked hobbit-sized door in my friend's bedroom. It's a bit damp-smelling and long-unused right now, but I have great plans for it as a microbrewery/weed farm/bar/smokeasy primarily, and since it's literally underground (it stretches out underneath the pavement outside) the possibilities are endless.

We're in the middle of cleaning it out now, well, that and a beef stew in front of Firefly, so I'll get some pictures in a minute.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:57, 5 replies)

Ahh, i remember when we found some pr0n!
It turned up on our school bus one morning. It was a big deal for us, as things like that were much harder to come by at private schools by the sounds of it.

One of the more cretinous amongst us on the bus saw fit to stash it in his bag, and it inevitably turned up in the 5th form common room later that day.

We all regarded it with regrettable incredulousness, and simultaneously claimed indifference as a testament to our sexual proficiency, which the vast majority of us chronically lacked.

In the true spirit of private school bullying, we singled out our usual target - James Ramsay. The poor lad was so frequently picked on, he may as well have had cross-hairs tattooed on his face.

So at lunch, we packed-lunchers sat in the common room munching away, and the hot-dinnerers filed in to leave their bags before making their way to the lunch hall.

Back then, the very worst thing you could do was leave any of your possessions unattended, as they were almost certain to be stolen, hidden and/or destroyed. It's a wonder this poor chap had not yet learned his lesson.

There were several avenues open to us with the intended result being that poor James was found to be in possession of inappropriate materials, by some form of authority figure.

We considered simply planting the dirty mag in his bag, but decided this would not suffice. It needed to be somewhere he could not fail to be caught with it.

After briefly consulting his timetable to find out his next lesson, his chemistry book was duly taken from his bag, and in every page [including those with notes on them] a pornographic image was stuck. With his own pritt stick!

The enjoyment we gained from watching the teachers discovery of James' stash [Glued to his notes! LoL!] was far greater than that of our own original findings.

As an afterthought, the remnants of the offensive material, which could potentially have landed us in some considerable trouble, were given in secret to James' little brother Dougie, who was a few years below us.

He was instructed to hide it somewhere in James' room, and inform their mother of her son's disgusting habits.

Equally hilarious however, was Dougie's inability to overcome the intense temptation to keep the dirty mag, resulting in its discovery, along with a furiously fwapping Dougie, by his dear mother.

She was not impressed.
We were so very pleased with ourselves.
(ShitBitch, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:46, 9 replies)

video
Earlier today, I found an old camcorder tape. Well, when I say camcorder, it was a battered Amstrad affair from the days before the word 'camcorder' even existed. A camera that was powered by my dad's car-battery charger.

Anyway, the tape was one of those that goes into a standard size VHS cassette so you can watch the tapes on a normal VCR. Who said Alan Sugar produces shite?

I'd given up hope and that the tape was gone for good, but I found it in the VHS 'caddy' in an old VCR in the loft. I rigged it up and played the tape.

A few seconds of that snow and the picture came on. Still of good quality.

It was footage my mother had recorded in 1993 of my eldest brother (who passed away nearly 7 years ago of some diabetes-related complication) helping my first-born learn to walk.

I cried a little. and then some more.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:44, 5 replies)

L4dy b0y pr0n
Still makes me sick to this day. When my Dad gave me his old laptop I did what any over inquisitive little snot would do:
1. Restore recycle bin, and
2. Used media player to search for any and every media file that ever was.

I won't beat around the bush (no sniggers please), I was starting to get into some really good porn of a solo girl playing with her tits and moaning and stuff. Plenty of close ups on the face and tits, but not much below, I assumed she wasn't getting paid much and refused to have her snatch on the internet. Well, suddenly, it was shown. Sort of. When she (now arguable) started wanking off her 7 inch cock.

I was only 15 and felt so dirty at the fact I'd just watched some girl (urgh!) wanking off HER penis. What do I do? What any impatient/offline fapping 15 year old would; rewind to the bit with his tits and finish off.

First time I've mentioned this to anyone, should I be ashamed?!
(MunchMyBalloons, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:37, 2 replies)

Autobots defeat the evil Mon!
The worst find I have had recently was on Sunday morning. I was on my way downstairs to make myself a morning cuppa when I found my sons transformer. When I say found I mean it lodged itself into my bare foot and ripped off a fair chunk of my skin (How the hell does a small plastic toy that can probably snap after ten minutes with my kids do that much damage to me without breaking?).

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I still can’t walk properly or that I lost a fight to the Bumblebee, the gayest Transformer of the Autobots.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:36, 6 replies)

Housing Association Finds
A friend & his brother moved into a Housing Association 'house' in St Pauls in Bristol.

Amongst it's charms was the fact that it was as close to an express railway line as a house can be, more filth and delapidation than an episode of life of grime, and the following items that were found when we helped him move in

A filthy fluorescent pink teddy bear the size of your average 10 year old which was sacrificed that night to an express train

A room with bars on the window and a huge bolt ON THE OUTSIDE *boggles*

A large bundle of letters addressed to one guy in a large selection of prisons

And the clincher...

The sawn off barrel from a shotgun.

We used the latter to cool blowbacks, platoon style
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:06, 3 replies)

Cat in a wheelie bin
One Dustbin Day many years ago, my younger kids came crying to me about a cat in a wheelie bin in the next street. The bin men were on way and things looked grim for Pussy.

So, being the original mad cat lady, I sent them to collect the cat and bring it home.

Minutes later, they returned with a scraggy black moggy, with gungey eyes and swollen feet.
My big son gave her a 'sensible' name - Jeffrey - and the vet soon sorted her various problems.

She's been here for 12 years and more now, and has made a super pet. Whatever bastards left her in a bin to die - well, I hope their tits rot off.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 13:19, 11 replies)

About 1990
I would have been about 7, me, my folks and a friend of mine went camping somewhere in Devon (yes, we are pikeys). Now, I don't remember holidays I went on last year, but to this day, I remember this holiday to the very last detail.

Anyone from England will know what I'm talking about when I associate the words, camping, karaoke, phoenix nights, cheap fizzy cola and fruit machines. Essentially, all the ingredients for a early 90's holiday in the U.K, oh and about the same as a holiday in the Isle of Wight now as they are about 20 years behind.

Anyway, my friend was a bit of a naughty kid, the type who was just uncontrollable, hyperactive yet equally adorable. I on the other hand was naive and pretty well behaved, so let's just say I was somewhat confused when he decided to steal a set of keys off the side of the bar my mom and dad had taken us in.

Now, this little fucker, bearing in mind he was 7 years old had clocked (has he lived in a pub with his parents) that the fruit machine master key was on this bunch. Now, being 7 at the time, and thinking back now, this place was like a mini Las Vegas, there was a good 12 fruit machines on the complex which me and this kid systematically rinsed dry over the course of the next day.

I can't believe I could even count this high, but we managed to take over 1200 quid out these fruit machines.

So, this was the best thing I found....he technically stole it, but he kept telling me he found it! either way, looking back, that would land me in jail if i did it now.

The hardest thing about finding this key was covering up the fact that my mom didnt have to raise my dinner money till I went to high school
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Tue 11 Nov 2008, 13:08, 2 replies)

Money by the Skipfull
When I was 10 myself and a chum literally found a skipfull of money-round the back of some garages on our estate.
Unfortunately it was a skipfull of thousands and thousands of Chilean Peso notes which, according to my dad, were completely worthless.
Being young and innocent I didnt question his word and likewise didnt question him when he came in the following day stinking of booze loudly telling my mum about the new Ford Escort he'd just bought....
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 13:06, Reply)

Not so much as finding,
as being found.

I'm getting bored guys, I'll give you a hint, you're getting warm.
(Osama Bin Ladin is opening a whole can of jihad on, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 13:05, Reply)

Just yesterday I found...
My really comfortable trainers had holes in the soles...

Bloody rain.
( snee held his breath since, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 13:03, Reply)

I'm not someone with a lot of fears and phobias

Spiders? fine, water? fine, small spaces? fine, heights? fine...

That is unless I'm stoned in which case being up somewhere high turns me into a jibbering wreck.

And so it came to pass that I was at a party helping to set up in the afternoon, it was a beautiful summers day and the approriate beverages were drunk and green leaves smoked.

After a couple of rounds of biftas I was suitably toasted and wandered around the back of the beautiful old red brick barn towards the loos.

On my way back somethoing at the bottom of the wall of the barn caught my eye. It was justa slight movement, but there was definately something there.

I bimbled over for a closer look and there amongst the genreral dtritus on the florr was an owlet!

It was about the size of a tennis ball and was completely round with only a tiny beak, two clawing feeta and shiney black eyes peeking out from it's fluff.

A quick reconnoitre around the area and I found it's nest, 30 feet above my head uynder the eves of the barn, hooray I though and also shit, as it was a long way up and as previously mentioned I was a little the worse for wear.

Eventually a ladder was produced and as I was the only bloike there it was decieded that I should replace the little might in his nest.

I slowly ascended the ladder with the owlet held in some rags we had found to try and hide my smell.

Never has the phrase don't look down been so poorly heeded, half way up I turned my eyes to the earth. It. Was. Miles. Away!

I began to freeze up, clinging to the rickerty old wooden ladder with one had and balancing the scwaking owlet with the other. It took a few deep breaths but I kept going.

Eventually I made it to the top and reqalised that I was several feet short of my goal, there was only one thing for it.

With my friends holding the bottom of the ladder I cautiously stepped onto the very top rung, my body falttened against the brick work, sweat pouring from my drug addled forehead.

I reached up towards the nest, but the owlet just would hop into it. i took a gamble and with the grace of an NBA all star I gently "shot for the basket".

The owlet, arced through the air, his first taste of the majesty of flight, and landed plumb in the nest!

I was so relieved that I almost fell off, I just hope that he wasn't trying to escape being eaten by one of his siblings like that evil owl from Spring watch...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:50, 5 replies)

Love, Wallet, Spine, Freedom!
Whilst visiting her folks in San Diego, where they had all emigrated in order, (I suspect,) to escape their long deranged daughter, we were taking a walk along the harbour by the aircraft carrier that was docked there at the time, (circa Jan 2006.) Being an observant sort, I spotted a wallet in the gutter, and naturally I wanted to hand it in to the proper authorities.



I began to scan around for a cop or similar authority figure to hand the wallet in to, and the other half chose this, rather public, juncture to begin going sick at me for the minor diversion this entailed, and made a rather embarrassing scene, screaming and shouting God knows what at me in the street.



I'm ashamed to admit that during the winter of this relationship, I had endured almost two years of similar hell, and had no patience left, so I threw the wallet away from me as hard as I could with a hearty "Fucking fine and shit" (nowhere near the water I hasten to add!)



Luckily, after the silent treatment for the rest of the day, I found something I had been looking for quite some time and split with the gargantuan loon ball as soon as we achieved blighty!



Thank you for the length of time you have been reading this post, it was very satisfying, let me tell you =o)
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:49, Reply)

Not funny, but true...
As an addition to my earlier post, I have found several things that either made me smile, helped me out or were just cool.

1) My house. I was looking for somewhere for myself and the missus, when I found a letting agency on-line. They showed us a flat (yech! it was an awful ex-council job that looked like a tenement) and a 1970s house, which was ok (if a bit 1970s, surprise surprise). The lady then said, "We do have another property, but it's not been very popular, as it's an old building. It does have lots of space and a separate studio over the scullery."

We went for a look and made an offer there and then. It took a lot of scrubbing, but that's about all it needed (apart from a lot of light bulbs!) and we now have a lovely old home that's part mansion and part hobbit-hole. Result!

2)Ghost Hunters - found one night whilst randomly stabbing at Sky, now required viewing - it's like Most Haunted, but with scepticism. And some truly freaky results - check out some of the videos or EVP work on youtube. Jay and Grant rule...

3)A load of photos on a CD that I thought had been lost forever. It was stuffed down the back of a drawer and, despite looking scratched to hell, worked well enough to let me rip the pics to my computer for safe-keeping.

4) A copy of LittleBigPlanet - found at Tesco (all other local places had sold out). Brilliant game and it's acted far better than painkillers in helping my pregnant wife relax and chill out after work. God bless Sackboy!

I think that's about it. Of course, I have found many a grot-mag, dodgy video and photo in my years on this earth, as well as finding out that the desk by the front of the class in my 5th form Maths class looked straight into the girls' changing room when the windows were open on a hot day. It's hard to concentrate on quadratic equations when the lood is flowing away from your brain, you know...
(Chad, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:34, Reply)

I found a corn snake in my garden
I'd lost him a year earlier, and he had been living off the local wildlife and survived a Cornish winter.

full story here
(teasus likes tea, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:29, 1 reply)

The same edition of 'Forum'...
at least 3 times.

First time, a local playing fields edge. I was about 11.

Second time: clearing out my uncles effects after he died. age 14

Third time: Cleaning a guests room when I worked in a London hotel. (London Brothers on North Gower Street if that means anything to anyone.) Age 21.

I knew it was the same edition because how can anyone forget an article called 'Mother Natures instant moisturiser' about uses for semen if you forget your shaving gel.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:19, Reply)

Shergar

(Lord Lucan, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:08, 4 replies)

Ten pounds and a lucky night...
A few year back, when I was a teenager, I used to go to a casino in Wolverhampton with a couple of mates. One night, a bit strapped for cash I had only a fiver to my name and had resigned myself to a roulette free night but tagged along anyway. I bought a pack of ten fags from the local Spar before we left and was rewarded with change from a tenner, rather than a fiver! yay!
In Wolverhampton, as we were walking to the casino, I made my find - a tenner flapping around in the windy doorway of a shop. I duly pocketed it and off we went.
I changed my new found wealth for chips and hit the roulette table without a care as most of the money I was playing with was a gift from lady luck anyway.
Towards the end of the night, I was playing on the pound table with my last few chips, and on a whim my mate told me to stick my last 9 chips on red 27, so I did.
Walked out of the casino that night 300 quid better off and I've never been back - I reckon I've exhausted my luck quota for a good few years!!
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:58, Reply)

Class A
I found a bag of heroin and LSD in a hedge near Heathrow airport. I've never taken drugs in my life, but this seemed like an opportunity not to be missed, so that very afternoon I got so off my tits that I lost three weeks of my life.

When I finally got straight, I woke up in bed with a busty glamour model called Nikki lapping hungrily at my tadger. There was a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on my right shoulder, and somewhere along the line I'd managed to move into an attic in Shoreditch.

Evidently I'd recorded a rap record that made Vanilla Ice look like Ice T and in the process had become quite wealthy. There were two more naked glamour models in the bathroom and a coke-smeared platinum disk on a coffee table. I had Kelly Brook's phone number on my mobile and a filthy message on the answerphone detailing what she wanted me to do to her ass.

Fortunatley, I saw sense and cleared out back to my reliable job at the Leeds Council Tax Enquiries callcentre, where my ginger librarian girlfriend welcomed me back with open arms. However, I'll never live down the shame of that record I made. Sing along to the chorus now:

Don't be dissin' meh,
Yo'll be missin' meh
I gots a nine packed wit dum-dums
And me grandma likes dem wine gums
(frankspencer, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:42, 5 replies)

gloves
don't know why - always seem to come home with a glove after a night out. erm. would make a joke about finding jesus but can't be arsed.
( SiX and his hat, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:32, 2 replies)