Make Money Fast!
I had a friend some years ago who was a raging socialist, but also one of the more money obsessed people I have known.

It seemed that he knew that people could make money, but that people who had it had obtained it unfairly somehow (EXPLOITING the WORKERS, because the BOSSES only care about MONEY) , and the way to get more of it was to cheat THE SYSTEM.

This meant things like buying a camcorder, returning the box with a packet of sugar to make up the weight and pocketing the cash. He also ran a scam on his insurance company, claiming his camera gear had been stolen in order to get an upgrade.

In a daring act of idiocy, he modified a cheque won in a radio competition from let's say $104.20 (frequency of the station) to $1104.20. Amazingly they never clued in. They must have awful bookkeepers.

One day I was visiting him, and carelessly left my wallet behind. It was a couple of days before I could get back there, and I only noticed that I was a bit light on cash a few days later. Where the hell was the $60.00 I had?

I dropped around to ask him about it.

Yes, he admitted, he had `borrowed' the money, but he would be flush with cash soon enough, and would be happy to pay me back! Heck, he'd even give me an extra twenty to make up for it.

I asked him what he had used the money for.

As it turns out, he had invested it.

He had invested it in stamps and envelopes, and what he was doing was mailing out this letter, see, and you put your name on the top of the list!

Then you get the list of people already on the letter, and you send them five dollars each (chewing up the rest of my money), and then you send it out to as many people as you can, and then they put their name on the top of the list, send $5.00 to each person on the list, move your name down one and delete the name of the person on the bottom.

It was so simple! He was going to be rich! And quick!

I could not explain to him why this wouldn't work. It had nothing to do with my powers of explanation, he was just too busy mentally working out what he would do with all this money that would soon be his.

He never got a cent from the letter, and I never saw that money again of course. I considered it a lesson.
(Tomble Underground, overground, Tombling free., Mon 4 Aug 2008, 4:46, 1 reply)

when heads
of cattle, known as capital or 'capita' latin for head, were loaned to enterprisers, the latters cattle were held by the lender as capital until the enterprise venture was completed. the inbetween time when calves were born and grew into cattle was/were called, the 'interest' on the loan. to be paid by the borrower to the lender of the working capital. when metal money replaced cattle, the interest idea still persisted but metal does not produce more metal so from then on the interest paid has reduced the real wealth value of the collateral when returned to the borrower!

remember! these payments or deals were made in 'kind', that is with livestock which could be moved from here to there. blah blah ships trading routes gold virtual money

the concept of farming as a solution should seem more patronising than that which was stated above, if you might ever understand why we need to abolish the sovereign nations and fly spaceship earth! look in the cows eyes!

bring back the fucking cow!
(Escaped_Nubian, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 2:27, 3 replies)

Thinking of selling my body.
After going through a particularly bad break up today (more me getting dumped because after a year she suddenly feels different), I decided I might just have to sell my body, perhaps I won't get rich quick but the scaly old men touching me might detract from how utterly shit my life is.

If me trying my hardest to do everything right and treat her like a queen I get treated like a sap, I don't see much point in doing anything worthwhile.

Then again, been scamming Gala Bingo with my mum for a while, might get a windfall yet. :P

Sorry for utterly uninteresting length. I'm a massive cock.
(RizzJizz doesn't do life., Sun 3 Aug 2008, 21:50, 17 replies)

Ripping off British Rail
Because they deserve it, the subhuman scum.

I've now bunked the train from London to Brighton or vice versa approximately 30 times. The trick is to get the cheapest possible single fare to get through the ticket barriers, then get out at provincial stations one stop from the main station, where there aren't any ticket barriers. In fact, I live north of London, way out in the outside zone of the tube, so getting off a similar distance out in South London fools the oyster card into thinking I've only travelled a few stops when in fact I've gone all the way across the city. Takes about half an hour longer, saves about £20 in total. Of course, you have to avoid the ticket inspectors, and the best way I've found is to pretend I'm asleep, then 'wake up' when they ask for your ticket and act like you've missed your stop. They usually let you off at the next station with a warning. This has happened 3 or 4 times now. Finally, if you know you're going to be making the same journey 2 or 3 times that month, you can get an open return and exit at a smaller station as before, then keep your ticket for further journeys. This works as many times as you like, so long as you remember to go through the manned barrier rather than the automated one, where the computer will spaz out at you having seemingly gone through the same station several times without getting off anywhere.

All in all I've probably saved about £300 though these various schemes in the last two years, but frankly, they can afford it and I can't.
(jabboy, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 20:06, 7 replies)

I think that this is going to get worse before it gets better.
I, just now, inspired by this question have posted the advert "I will do stuff for money" on craigslist- in the "Job Wanted" and "Erotic Services" sections.
I immediatedly got this email
"31 year old handsome guy in a 5 star hotel looking for company for dinner drinks and fun...can u please send a pic and some details?

I am for real and my pic is attached.


Thanks
N"

See, I'm looking for fun as well. I sent him this picture.


with the message "I can do whatever you like. Picture attached."

Gosh I hope he likes me!

Update: Uh, oh- more every few seconds. The latest
"hi,
How can I contact you? I am going to visit UK from Canada this month.

Cheers"
They will all get the same response.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 20:03, 4 replies)

You can make a fair bit of money
doing internet 'product placement' ie putting the names of products in posts in forums etc. It works better than herbal viagra!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 19:43, 1 reply)

A penny spent...
People who meet me now find it very hard to believe that as a child I was both very fat and extremely stupid (whereas now I am dashingly svelt and a genius).

A 5-year-old me once wandered through the various stalls at my primary school's annual charity bazaar, looking for some new piece of cheap tat from someone else's garage to purchase. Not really understanding money at all I picked up a suitably bright coloured lump of plastic and paid for it with my 50p piece - how amazed was when the nice lady gave me a whole 10p back - to keep!!

Rejoicing at having worked out how the money thing worked I went from stall to stall buying every cupcake, half-scrawled colouring book and and dubiously stained teddy bear I could find. I figured that if I kept giving my money to the assembled teachers and parents, they would continue to hand me money back.

I was baffled when, half an hour later, I had a plastic bag full of landfill and no money.

The evil biddies running the show had decided not to point out my error, thereby making a tramp of me at 5. Capitalist whores.
(EastAnglianswine can see your willy, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 17:22, 2 replies)

This may or may not work
Tomorrow, I have a half day assessment centre for a promotion at work. For that, I have to give a 10 minute presentation, followed by a 40 minute interview based on the presentation, plus some generic stuff about my current job.

This will be followed by a 60 minute written exercise (for which I will be given the topic just before I sit down at the laptop), and then finally a 40 minute session on a 'performance issue' - i.e., a role play exercise to deem whether or not I'm capable of dealing with someone who's workplace attitude leaves a bit to be desired.

Should I be successful in my hoop-jumping, I will stand to gain about an extra £300 a month for my efforts. Not bad for just under three hours work, all told.

As far as I know, there's only myself and one other person in for it. So the odds aren't bad...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 3 Aug 2008, 15:07, 8 replies)

keep dry for free
any time it rains i pop into the nearest restaurant...

"hi, i was here last week and i left a black gents umbrella"

a selection of brollies are offered

i pick the nicest one

I'm often told "oh yes i remember you now"

(this also works with phone chargers in hotels)
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 14:48, 2 replies)

Well...
.
It's easy money if not good money.

Become a "name", a "personality" on some popular sites and get £100 a week paid into your PayPal account by a shifty-looking ginger bloke.

In return I have to post funny, interesting or controversial posts at least three or four times a week.

Of course, I have to give up my rights to my stories which are then picked up by NUTS, FHM and others who pay Rob the ginger guy lots of wonga but he has the contacts and I don't.

Still, at least I know the identities of the other paid posters and that makes me giggle.

Send me a pound via PayPal and I'll tell you who the other Elite are. Send me a fiver and I'll tell you which popular posters are actually men pretending to be women.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 13:29, 13 replies)

As young pups
with no direction, me and my mate set forth on a venture which would see us rich in weeks with minimal effort. Off we toddled to the local golf course, where we would search for lost balls and re-sell our bounty to the rich, stupid golfers. It was great fun..... lovely scenery, good banter, we once found a sheeps skeleton in some trees. There was even a hilarious incident on the practice course where my mate kept turning round to find mysteriously appearing balls, all of which he picked up and pocketed..... until the man who had been chipping them over a hill appeared and, er, suggested he return them post haste.

All summer long we searched for our bouncy bounty. It all fell flat when I worked out to actually make a decent living we'd have to sell each ball for around £10. Bugger.

I ended up giving most of them away to local kids years later, apart from the unlucky few I cut open with a stanley knife. One of the true wonders of the world is watching the miles of tightly wound elastic bands inside them unravel itself.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 13:26, Reply)

BU SPASS
Living in Manchester a few years ago I used to get the super £35 a month bus pass - you could go pretty much anywhere in the world on that pass. A nice simple pass - one half photo card one half monthly card with date and lame authorisation stamp on.

Cue really crude Photoshop clone tool to amend the date and print. This was the simplest and most copyable buss pass you could imagine. Me and 8 housemates, £35 per month for two years - you do the maths, we must have saved about a billion pounds. Even when ticket checks were carried out nobody spootted it. One ticket even read 30th February - used it for two weeks before realising.

Then they put some stupid bloody luminous orange wavey lines on it and ruined it for me. I had graduated by then and decided it was time to start paying my way!
(w3ggy, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 12:05, 4 replies)

Raining cash
I'd picked up a cheap umbrella ($6) from a supermarket during one of the mini rainfalls in Melbourne last December.

During the following week, it sustained plenty of wear and tear. After work one afternoon, when it was completely pissing it down, I was on the way to meet a group of friends for pre-xmas drinks. While I was waiting to go in to the pub (the bouncers were dealing with a pissed up bloke) a couple of guys were leaving the pub and commented on how bad the weather was. I immediately offered my umbrella for the bargain fee of $15. They snapped it up and went on their merry way sheltered from the rain.

Total profit: $9 (150%) !!!!
(Swarve, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 10:01, 1 reply)

State Sanctioned Gambling
Okay, Wall Street. But with a twist.

I am sure a good many of you have seen "Boiler Room." I used to manage one. Well, not 'actually' but I was a manager at a firm that sold some pretty dicey small cap stocks.

When I left the Marines and went to Wall Street, I knew, to some degree that I would be selling my soul, but I had no idea how cheaply.

The catch with an Over The Counter brokerage firm/house that runs gamey stocks is to get your managerial license as quickly as possible. What that resulted in was 1) I was getting an override on all my subordinate broker's productivity 2) I was selling stocks and making my own commissions BUT more importantly: 3) I didnt have to sell the crap stocks that the firm pushed on those rookie brokers.

I dont sleep well at nights if thats any consolation because, well, those subordinates were selling absolute crap stocks to people who were looking to get rick quick on IPO's (initial public offerings) of tech companies and other types of new stocks.

My Father, when I was growing up used to say, whenever I would spend my money on something he perceived as 'silly': "A fool and their money."

My response was always: "Were lucky to get together in the first place."

I am REALLY not that much of a bastard though. When I started my own office, we made a market in NO crap stocks...but the basis for my personal fortune was having those poor schmucks that worked for me push crap stocks to THEIR customers.

God, I really AM a bastard...well, WAS a bastard. I hope this doesnt make any of you hate me (more than you already do of course)!

Cheers!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 5:57, 5 replies)

I am rich in hatred
from angry qotwers. Dekion pointed me to a search where it picks out my name, and you people really did get fucking riled didn't you?

Troll successful.

Sorry to say, I no longer work for tescos and am now a qualified teacher ready to start teaching YOUR CHILDREN come september. I'll try not to finger them.
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Sun 3 Aug 2008, 0:05, 6 replies)

good ol days
first post please be gentle...

Back in the good old days before stupid rates of tax on cigs, I used to make a killing a school, looking old for my age I used to buy a 20 pack of fags before I got to school for about 3 quid and sell them to the desperate baby-faced scallies for a quid a go, so instantly making 17 quid, which not only funded my own dirty smoking habit also filled my wallet...
I also ran an illegal betting ring on Euro 96 which was going great as everyone had betted on England winning...I was caught with about 200 quid in my bag...and had to pay everyone back, which took alot of explaining to my mother dammit
(hickmonster hickmonster Because your worthless...., Sat 2 Aug 2008, 23:35, Reply)

Porn! Bottle! Sales! Mothers!
Once upon a time, DP was a small child of 15. DP is known amongst friends (and in general) as having significant bottle.

DP also likes naked ladies.

As a teenager I began to invest in pornography so as to work out which bits of a lady (a lady years distant, it turned out unfortunately) to twiddle with. Friends of mine admired these dog-eared and well-thumbed magazines and consequently I had a brainwave.

I began to sell and rent grot mags at school to those children that didn't have the bottle to say to a shopkeeper "Hello, I'd like a wank mag please". I charged double the cover price, and leased at a pound a week, any damage and it was double the cover price.

My scud collection soon became the envy of the school. I basked in my success, and was always wealthy. Until my Christian mother found a colossal stash of porn in my room.

I was put out of business, and grounded for some time.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 2 Aug 2008, 21:05, 5 replies)

Run a games store.
Offer stupid kids a few quid for their old games.

Sell them at 200% markup to other kids.

Wait until they get bored of them.

Repeat.

Must be the only business model where you get to sell the same object over and over again at a pure profit each time.
(inflateable, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 20:36, 2 replies)

bought my flat...
...for 20K in 1995. Sold it last year for 100K.

Now renting and watching those prices drop like a rock while the intrest on my 100K pays my rent.

When people start talking about 'new paradigms' and 'it's not a bubble this time', sell.

I'm waiting for the 'house prices will never recover' headlines now.
(inflateable, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 20:34, 11 replies)

Clubs! Flowers! Extortion! Profits!
I have had an interesting life thus far; currently I work in an extremely high paying sales job, but I guess that that doesn't count as a good story.

Over the past few years, sometimes I've been minted, and other times I've been destitute and homeless. I've always been able to crash at people's houses and have indulged in such things as drug dealing and chequebook fraud to keep the wolf from the door.

Just occasionally, however, I have been hit by ideas of genius that have made me temporarily wealthy (but usually have unseen ramifications that cause me significant problems later on). These include selling cornflour as cocaine and selling all sorts of things plucked from the roadside.

The scam of which I'm proudest of, however, was one in which I became manager of my own club night. Naturally, there were drinks offers and an entrance fee was charged but there were huge opportunities to earn cash for nothing all night.

My particular favourite was to buy a load of cheap, naff, plastic flowers for 10p each. I then employed (on a profit share basis, favorable to me) three runners to sell these flowers at a quid a pop. I also employed a couple of girls on the same basis to look pretty, flirt and ask for flowers. I only bought a hundred a week, and with the wages for my staff involved, I still made 35p per flower.

"That's only a £35 profit you mug!" I hear you say...

Wrong... the boys and girls I employed resold the flowers again and again and on average I turned over an additional £200 odd quid a night. I never threw flowers away either, unless they were damaged, so week on week the number we could sell grew!

Good to be back by the way!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 2 Aug 2008, 20:25, 5 replies)

Lets just say
that when you're 15 and just got your first bank card that ZOMG WORKS ON THE INTERNET, the idea of buying 500 glowsticks to "sell at £1 each" sounds like a fantastic idea.

I ended up £15 out of pocket with a load of glowsticks that half the time sprung a leak and covered the wearer in neon goo.
(TheHBoxster is probably playing Beatles Rock Band on, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 19:54, Reply)

There are only TWO Guy Ritchie movies. Shut it.
Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggots Fan Club. You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's Faggots Fan Club", saying we're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they ran out of stock. Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?
(FurtiveBiscuit, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 17:35, 9 replies)

Xbox Games
Had a brillaint one a few years ago when the original Xbox was out.

I remember GAME had a deal on where if you gave them 4 pre-owned Xbox games and a pound they would give you a brand new game.

Luckily for me 2 minutes away was a Computer Exchange and a Gamestation.

So i Bought all of their crap games they had selling for around £1 or £2 (mostly old football or racing games) took it up the road and got myself a brand new game for about a fiver.

Unfortunately at the time I didnt have the smarts to work out that if I had sold that new game back to Gamestation I could have sold it for about £30 and made I tidy profit.

Shame was at the time there wasn't any good games out so I ended up with Madden and a couple of other crap games that ended up gathering dust :(
($wift, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 16:31, Reply)

Scare the fat cats
My mate C's dad (no, seriously) was an engineer at a car company whose name rhymes with floored and in his spare time he used to tinker with car engines.

After whiling away a quiet weekend in the garden shed in the early 70's, he had a brainwave which he thought would make him a tidy sum. By the next week he had done a patent application and went to work with his plans to show his bosses. Who he was sure would be as happy as a pack of dogs in a tail factory.

He had actually designed one of the early, very lean burn engines that would get a light year per gallon or something stupid and wanted the company to use them in their cars.

He then stood back to enjoy the standing ovation, which infact never came. The suits did not seem impressed and said that they would "consider it" and went away mumbling.

A few days later he got a visit from a very expensive looking lawyer saying that he represented something called OPEC and would love to buy the patent. He then passed over a business card with a number on that looked like a telepnone number but turned out to be the offer. He accepted on the spot.

A few moths later C's dad called the lawyer form his new mansion and asked if they needed any help making the engines. He replied no thanks and was never heard from again.

It turns out that the oil companies had bought his patent so they could bury it. Very much like the ark of the covenant at the end of Indiana Jones, so it could never be used. Coincidentally, this was right before the fuel prices shot up causing something of an economic crisis.

So basically he got rich inventing something that nobody ever used.
Genius.

Edit: For a similar case of the car and oil lobby working together see "Who killed the electric car?" and the case of NiMH batteries that were supposed to improve hybrid cars. The oil companies bought the patent and made the license to build them so expensive that they were effectivley buried.
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Sat 2 Aug 2008, 13:24, 19 replies)

more shady supermarket deals
just like mj we had a local co-op that everyone seemed to work in whilst at college or what ever for a few extra quid.

One guy tried the same thing and other things like miss scanning etc for what ever people who were too stupid or lazy to check their receipts for.

Then to get more friends (he was one of those desperate to be popular) he would let people buy a bottle of vodka and something like a marsbar, would only scan the marsbar and give £20 change when we only gave him £5, everyone was happy to take advantage of him and soon deserted him when he was caught with about £100 in marked notes.

Fun while it lasted for us.

Also the days before barcodes were great, used to peel the price lables off speccy budget games and put them on the higher priced tapes, got many a full price classic at budget prices.
(bluehamster, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 13:23, Reply)

london tourists
I parked my bus up on oxford street the other day and put a sign on it , it said " LONDON BUS TOURS $5 "

Pretty reasonable for a walk through a 40 year old bus i thought........


Still no pound sign on the keyboard arse
(welgar, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 13:19, 1 reply)