/unlurks
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.

8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.

9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.

10.You carry an umbrella.

11.Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

12.You don't go to Tesco's with all your friends.

13.You have standing orders and direct debits.

14.The heating works in your house.

15.Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

16.You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

17.You go from unlimited days of holidays to 20.

18.Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

19.You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

20.You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

21.Washing up is not an annual ritual.

22.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

23.You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.

24.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

25.You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

26.You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

27.You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.

28.You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.

29.You "hate scrounging students".

30.You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.

31.Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

32.You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.

33.You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

34.You always know where you are when you wake up.

35.You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

36.A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

37.You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

38.A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

39.You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

40.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

41.You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

42.Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

43.You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.

44.You have hoovered.

45.Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

46.'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.

47.Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

48.You don't experiment with banned substances.

49.You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.

50.You don't find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.

/relurks
(Grey Triggerfish, Mon 1 Nov 2004, 12:30, Reply)

A few years ago
I was hanging out the washing and suddenly thought to myself, "I could do with a peg-bag".

It was at this point (about 30) that I realised I no longer served any point or position in life and that the rest of my miserable existance was going to be Hell on earth. These days I have to let my flatulence out in short sharp bursts to limit any damage if I follow through. I also occasionally go down on my girlfriend purely to buy some time so I can sober up and achieve an erection.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sun 31 Oct 2004, 18:03, Reply)

well ...
Mr Jackson doesn't return my calls anymore.

I'm sad.
( EasyCheese, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 14:47, Reply)

I'm only 29....
1) My first job was installing DOS on the latest state-of-the art machines (8086s)
2) Windows came on floppy disks. Twelve of them. 5.25" disks that really were floppy. And it was black and white.
3) When I was young my dad refused to buy a video recorder because 'they'll never catch on'
4) I refuse to buy an iPod because 'they'll never catch on'
5) As a pre-cursor to a mid-life crisis, I bought a playstation. It terrifies me and I've played it twice.
6) pre-cursor - wtf?
7) I worry about mortgages, life insurance and pensions. And promptly forget everything anyone tells me about these.
8) I don't want a party for my next birthday.
9) I want socks and hankies for my next birthday.

Oh well... I've been assured that once you hit 40, you cease to worry about anything. [cries]
(coderboi, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 17:45, Reply)

When you go to www.b3ta.com
And whistfully long for the days when the board worked on a Friday
( When the internet was all fields, Sat 30 Oct 2004, 9:09, Reply)

You Know You're Getting Old. . .
when you take a cup of tea up to your son and he's wanking with his headphones on
(le renard, Mon 1 Nov 2004, 14:17, Reply)

My ridiculous level of cynicism
although no bad thing.

Music: I view the top forty that is presented on a weekly basis as a sham, it's nothing more than advertising for the album. Thanks to twelve year olds buying shite though it's become saturated with wank. I honestly believe people who are under sixteen should be banned from buying music, and that all the shite that is made by artists without the faintest idea how to do anything other than sit around on a stool looking like they're recieving oral during a 'live' performance should be forced into a seperate category and chart to prevent me from having to fucking put up with it.

Politics: None of them give a fuck. The country is a joke and they're jsut contributing, making crime worse and massaging figures making it seem that crime has dropped when in reality the country is fucked. turning around and saying certain things aren't a crime just to lower levels is a fucking joke, recategorising things to make their egos bigger and things look better from their point of view. Also the stupid idea of giving the scots their own parliament then allowing them to vote on issues that have absolutely no bearing north of the border in english parliament is ridiculous. Next election day, I intend to stay at home and register my apathy once again.

Public transport: What a fucking joke this is, use public transport they say, fast and efficient they say. I stood at a fucking bus stop on a road that was more akin to a bastard wind tunnel with my mates and their two kids on wednesday for over forty minutes, waiting for a bus that is scheduled to come every ten minutes for no fucking reason whatsoever. If I had fucking car I'd use it un-necessarily just to make my point.

Banks: Cunts, the lot of them. I love the way they all came into being by taking your money, looking after it, lending it to other people and charging them interest to borrow your money. I'm sure laws exist to prevent that, but no, not a fucking jot. the cunts give me a paltry amount back on a twice yearly basis to lend people my money at 15.9% per fucking month. What a joke!

The media, shite. All they do is peddle scare stories and news that has abosolutely no relevance to me. The country just sits around living in fear because they promote apathy and hatred, and it won't stop because it's popular. wankers.

Courts: Now theres a fucking joke. Yeah, you've killed , raped, embezzeled millions, done the most outrageous crimes possible. Have a life sentance. Oh, but don't worry, with good behaviour you'll have been released within 10 to go out and carry on with your fucking wankerish ways.

Religion: Fucking cocks.

I'll stop now, but the moment you hit 23 years old its all downhill from there.
( Muns, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 22:29, Reply)

Well,
I'm growing hair in places there weren't before, my voice is getting deeper, and I'm getting taller. I'm also becoming rather attracted to the opposite sex.
( ArthurTheRat, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 14:13, Reply)

I drive a Vauxall Zafira
I listen to Wogan and have stopped wanking.
( Cosmo Smallpiece Nickers Nackers Knockers, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 20:25, Reply)

oh god, where to begin?
i'm worried about handing the world over to the next generation, anyone that wears such ridiculous things obviously can't handle it. i think clubs are the best place to reinforce this opinion. i loathe text language, i quote jane austen at people, i have a general distaste for socialising, i buy my clothes at the supermarket because its cheap and good quality, i keep bits of cardboard just in case, i think postage stamps can be quite interesting, i love the antiques roadshow, i like radio 2(except jeremy vine, he's a prat), i can't stand scott mills, i keep shopping bags because they're handy, i'm never without a piece of string, anyone wearing anything that says fcuk is to be avoided at all costs, i hate shopping unless it's for books (is it me, or are all department stores ridiculously hot?), i'm considering buying my third pair of the same shoes because they're so comfortable, i hoard pens, i like countdown, i have a notebook for things i remember when i'm out but will forget when i get home and all my papers are meticulously organised. all people in any way involved with reality tv, pop music, speak like that westwood guy, roll up one trouser leg, wear a hat sideways, bare their midriff and or thong, have something written on their ass, have a shaved head with the fringe left over, buy celebrity biographies or spell thanks with an x should be rounded up, loaded onto the b ark and shipped off to their very own Fintlewoodlewix.
I'm a grumpy old man trapped in the body of a 19 year-old female student.
(fubar, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 18:30, Reply)

Oh Christ
I'm old before my time. I just took my cousin to the park, and people thought I was her mum. I looked at the charts in the paper the other day out of curiosity, and realised i didn't recognise A SINGLE THING. I read the newspaper. And have done for as long as I can remember. I've started to read the financial section. I get upset if I miss Prime Ministers questions, and cheer like the old men when someone gets one up on someone else.
I'm addicted to tea. I let an "ooooh" escape my lips when offered a cup the other day. I dread accompanying my boyfriend to gigs because all the other bands are "noise", I have to stand up and hate being out past 10. God forbid I should actually move...
I get mistaken for my mum on the phone. I get mistaken for my mum when I'm out. I'm currently wearing one of my mum's handmedown bras. It's half past five, and I'm already thinking about bed. I'm having a good long moan and thinking nothing of it.
I bitch about girls with bare midriffs and exposed thongs with my mum, and believe I had a good discussion with her about socks the other day. Thick woolen ones. I nag my boyfriend and little brother about wrapping up warm before going out. I have seriously considered investing in some thermal underwear.
I lament the poor spelling, grammar and lack of vocabulary of my friends. I'd rather have a nice meal than go to the pub. At family parties I gravitate towards the oldest people there, and talk about glasses (the optical kind). I can barely see a few feet ahead of me. I'm sure I'll think of more later.

I'm 17.
( useful_idiot, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 17:40, Reply)

When you wake up and think
what shall I do today? I know, I'll have a bonfire!

Then you know that you have finally become your dad.
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 13:15, Reply)

budding breasts
I started feeling old when my breasts started developing. I am niether female nor transexual.
(Chillumm, Tue 2 Nov 2004, 16:23, Reply)

When i was a teenager
going to the toilet was a disruption to my hectic crazy life,,,, now im in my 30's, I really enjoy a nice poo!!
(igdude, Sun 31 Oct 2004, 19:24, Reply)

And another thing - youngsters today...
should be out playing football instead of glued to the computer adding to a messageboard about getting old when they're barely out of nappies. In my day we made our own fun, out of string and sealing wax. Then there's that music. Fucking noise. God, it's bad enough that you think you invented sex and drugs and hip-hop and skateboards and telephones and jeans and trainers. A shop assistant recently told me my son must have big feet because I asked for a pair of size 9 Adidas, for fuck's sake. And another thing, WWF is about pandas not fucking wrestlers. And now you're all hijacking the thread for us grumpy old gits telling us how terrible it is because you're sixteen and feeling old. SIXTEEN! And another thing...
( finnbar has officially retired, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 17:33, Reply)

Expiry dates on Duracell batteries
I don't know why this is but I always feel really old when I look at batteries, particularly old ones I find around the house. Like I bought some for the remote control in about 1997 with an expiry of 2003, and thought "my god thats ages away", but sure enough 2003 came and went in no time. Bought some yesterday with an expiry of March 2011, I know that although it seems ages it will be here in the blink of an eye.

Please, someone must share my battery/time related angst...
(he who walks, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 17:25, Reply)

Getting Very Old.
At the ripe old age of forty-(cough) I'm in the middle of my first divorce and have to start all over again after seeing everything I owned given to a fat slapper who's never worked a full day in her life.

Then again, I've the rest of my life ahead of me without been dragged down by a fat snobby cow who shags anything that moves (and anything to drunk to move)

As I'm now living on my own I had to fill a council tax rebate form in (you get a %25 reduction for living on your own). In the section wher you had to put:
Reason for living by yourself... I put:

Wife couldn't keep her knickers up.

I've heard that this form is now pinned on the notice board at the local council offices - sadly with the names of the guilty party tipexed out. - Sweet.

As I'm writing this I suppose I may as well confess the reason why we split. I found out she was shagging a copper. Now that's bad enough but it was a fecking TRAFFIC copper!!


The shame................


Cheers

Legless - No apology for length and extremely proud of my girth that can choke an elephant.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 16:47, Reply)

and this...
i was walking up the stairs in my house the other day, when suddenly and without warning, i farted. i no longer have control over when i choose to break wind. it just happens. there is nothing that can be done about it.
i farted loudly at a funeral. i didn't know it was going to happen, it just did when i sat down.
i just farted when i was writing that.
and again. completely involuntary. i think i need an operation.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 15:13, Reply)

God, where do I start?
Every day I feel like I've turned into a grumpy old man - and I'm only 21.

The state of the music charts. Its almost exclusively pap. Mindless garbage manufactured by Simon "Twat" Cowell and his goonies.

Annoying mobile phone ringtones, and the apparent craze for getting new ones - would someone PLEASE tell me what the point is in paying £3/month for ringtones, when the first thing that you do when your phone rings is turn the ringer off so you can talk?

Boy racers - they cruise around Shrewsbury in their souped up 206's and Corsa's. Blasting "choons" from their "6x9's", and exhibiting their "mad skillz" behind the wheel. Except everyone else on the streets thinks they are twats.

Not being able to buy sweets in a newsagent without people looking at you as if you are about to go and lure some poor kiddie to their doom. I happen to LIKE "Dolly Beads" ;)

Complaining about Christmas, and how you can tell its near when all TV adverts are for kids toys.

Oh, plus there is the obligatory anecdote about how I tell every kid in the area that the ice cream van has sold out when it starts playing its music ;)

I think thats it, but there are bound to be plenty more.
( GazChap, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 13:37, Reply)

The fact that
I can't get my head round people who were born in the late eighties could be technically classed as adults
( Badger_Phenomenon, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 13:32, Reply)

The ultimate evidence that you're getting old...
I tucked my shirt into my jeans because it looked cold out side.
(cherry B, Tue 2 Nov 2004, 15:01, Reply)

When it dawned on me
that my little sister now takes teh cock.
( teedyay, Mon 1 Nov 2004, 17:24, Reply)

Evidence I'm getting old...
...relatively financially secure, don’t worry too much what other people think, much more experienced in the sack, don’t have to prove anything to anyone, am beautifully in tune with my wife of 17 years, don’t care if a trend is current or not – just go for what feels good, enjoy the bliss that is parenthood, able to pass on my work skills and experience to new younger co-workers and have just a little more patience and compassion as the years roll on.
Oh yeah, getting older sucks (best sarcastic tone!)

(Of course, this may all be waistline induced denial…)
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 30 Oct 2004, 8:28, Reply)

I was in Mallorca last week,
I was having a drink and attempting to dance with young attractive ladies. Suddenly one of the girls grabbed my shoulders and turned me round to dance with her mother.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Sat 30 Oct 2004, 4:32, Reply)

Photographic evidence
Looking through photos of a recent boat trip, I said, "Who's that bald guy?" There was an embarrassed silence, then my friends tried to tell me it's a sign of virility.
(junglejim, Fri 29 Oct 2004, 5:50, Reply)

when you
learn that the ice cream van is NOT really out of ice cream when he plays his tune...

thats when you know your getting old
( Dave - KneHigHbOb talks, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 17:56, Reply)

When I was a lad
this was all fields
(he who walks, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 17:11, Reply)

And furthermore...
…my hemorroids hang lower than my rapidly shrinking scrotum.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Taking up knitting
...and taking my knitting to the pub.
( Safetyfox, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 14:30, Reply)

'tagging'
is puerile and ruins park benches
( sim0nkey, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 14:13, Reply)