Religion has been responsible for...
...more death, pain, suffering, discrimination, war, invasion, rape, pillage, disease, theft, butchery and other atrocities than any other structure in the history of humankind.

Well, technically, it was the people in the religion; but you get the idea. The doctrine was merely a means to an end.

And why did they do this, and continue to do, all this?

For of peace, love and truth.
*spang*
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:14, 3 replies)

Fringe benefits
I share a flat with my sister and, like many people on here, we periodically get called upon by the Jehovah's Witnesses. Or rather we did.
Now, I've long since twigged that the only people who ring the door bell on Sunday tend to want to discuss the afterlife so I usually ingore the plaintive jingaling of the door and carry on with whatever I'm doing. They used to wake me up by calling at the ungodly hour of 11am on a Sunday, though, which was profoundly irritating.
However, my sister, being of a more enthusiastic bent when it comes to debating with cultists than I, would tend to invite the Witnesses in, give them a cuppa, and then attempt to convert them to the Church of England on the basis that their souls were in peril.
I must admit that this is fun to watch, as sister is massively clever.

The thing is, I'm interested in absolutely everything. A lot of the posts on this topic have, predictably, been about the hur hur hur stoopid relidjus peephul, but I'm inclined to think that if billions of people have a belief in something then it's sensible to at least try and understand what it is they believe in even if I don't necessarily agree with them, as those beliefs do still to a large extent define our world and our interactions with it and understanding where people are coming from is a good place to start from if you want to change things.
With this in mind, I've read the books. The Bible, cover to cover. The Ko'ran. All of the major ones and a number of the minor ones. Take the Bible, for example, Whilst it's very easy to pick out the bonkers bits like pillows being an abomination to The Lord (they are, you know - Book of Ezekiel), there's some cracking stuff in there, like the Book of Ecclesiates, which is ace and worth reading. The problem is that you then get another bit of bronze-age complete insanity to mess it up again.
The fringe benefit of all this reading is a good one. One day, as my sister was leaving the house she encountered a smart-looking couple on the doorstep. "Oh", said the couple. "We were hoping to talk to you about the Bible".
"Sorry", replied my sister. "I'm just off out. But you should talk to my brother. He's read it cover to cover."

They never rang the doorbell. They never called. They never came back to our house. That was three years ago, and the Jehovah's Witnesses have never rung our doorbell since.
(davywavy, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:13, Reply)

There is a God - end of argument!
He's a bloody good DJ as well.

Love,

Maxi, Bliss and Rollo
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:12, 4 replies)

Bought the t-shirt...it would seem.
I have the t-shirt with this Monty Propps design on it

timesonline.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/06/22/jesus_and_the_dinosaurs.jpg

I like it very much, I think it's clever and comical.
But it could be my downfall, for I been informed that it is my ticket to eternal BURNING BURNINESS!

I was in my student union bar wearing it one time, and went to the men's room, while I was washing my hands, this skinny black guy comes up to me, points at the t-shirt and commences this conversation:

Fundie: You do know you're going to burn in hell, right?
EJD: What? why?
Fundie: Because you mock God, and he will send you to hell
EJD: ...but Jesus LOVED dinosaurs! :(
Fundie: Maybe maybe, but you will burn in hell
EJD: That doesn't make sense!
Fundie: I'll be praying for you (leaves)

Points for audacity though

(obligatory gag about my hyper-cock)
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:09, 2 replies)

The moment I turned against Blair
PJM raises an interesting point about Tony Blair.

Like most of the rest of the country, I had high hopes for Blair. By 2003, for obvious reasons, I'd lost that. But my disenchantment was political - I disagreed with a lot of his policies - but it was not personal.

That changed after the 2004 tsunami. You may remember that the Archbishop of Canterbury was reported as saying that events like that led him to question his faith. It was a misquotation, but that's beside the point for the moment.

Still, in that context, Blair was asked whether natural disaters made him question his faith. And, without blinking, he said that they did not.

Not a moment of thought. No question. No intellectual humility. No struggle to retain a belief or reconcile it with events. Nothing. Just a flat-out denial, as if the thought had never crossed his mind.

And that was the moment when I realised that not only did I object to Blair politically: I also objected to him as a human being. Because, frankly, with that answer, he made me doubt whether he was a human being at all.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:07, 4 replies)

Incurring wrath
I posted this a few months back:

Jesus Saves (the planet)
I've just politely turned lisping, be-suited bible-tract-wielding children (accompanied by do-gooding evangelist parents) from my door. They didn't ask for money, but I bet they sucker you in first. They had an new angle - save the planet from global warming through the word of god.

I don't believe in god or man-made global warming.

My money is safe. Well, until the Old Testament style floods begin and I have to spend it all on a boat.

Turns out more people had a go at me about climate change than about my atheism. Eco is the new religion and attracts just as many scary fanatics.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:06, 21 replies)

Jehovahs
Got really angry with a pair of these fuckers who once turned up on the doorstep accompanied by one of their kids, over the fact that they would let the kid die rather than agree to a blood transfusion if it was needed. They had no answer for this and just walked away while I continued to shout after them. As it was summer and people were in their gardens or had their windows open they skipped the next few houses! It was years before any of their ilk dared to knock my door again.

Another time prior to this I was on crutches and by the time I'd got to the door they were 50 yards away. I called to them and made them retrace their steps, even though I'd guessed who they were, and let them start their spiel before exploding with mock rage at being brought to the door for no good reason, then slamming it.
(How soon is now?, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:44, Reply)

My God
I exist in a world that I know was created by my God, because he said so.

My God doesn't necessarily have all of the powers of a conventional God, he's not omniscient, or omnipresent, but sometimes, I like to think that he's watching over us all.
My God doesn't look like the other Gods either, he's not big and strong like Thor, or old and wise like the mighty Zeus, but he's my God all the same.

So, I decided to write him this story;

One day, as I was strolling through B3taland, the cool breeze flowing around me, I suddenly felt a warm, inviting presence. I knew instantly that God was with me, I could feel it in my heart. I closed my eyes and felt a wave of warmth and happiness go through me, and when I opened them, there he stood, my God.
He smiled at me and held out his hand, I reached out to hold it, and we walked together for some time. We talked about a great many things, and we discussed the parts of the world that he had been most proud of; like everything made by Jollyjack, Mongychops or Dave the Hat, and the things he found more disappointing, like /talk, Home Sweet Home threads on Off Topic, and everything I'd ever posted.

I felt the need to please him, I wanted to make things right, and I stared into his beautiful green eyes, they twinkled at me, and his face lit up with a benevolent smile.
I hadn't realised where we were, and before I knew it, I felt his all-powerful hand shoving me into a darkened alley.
I screamed for help, but no-one came, a few passers-by made lewd comments, while others just stood and watched.

The act itself was incredibly painful, I felt my master's Godly hands, forcing their way into my underwear, and his teeth gnashed at my lips feverishly, while he repeatedly tried to put his tongue into my mouth. I felt sick, alone, weak, and disgusted, I tried to fight him off, but before I knew it, his barbed, rancid penis was filling my mouth. I choked and gasped for air, but the stench was too much for me to bear, and the sight of his fluorescent red pubic hair made me retch and heave.

He turned me over, and entered me violently. Feeling him thrusting into my innermost parts was not the worst thing about the experience. No, the worst thing was the feeling of his cold, pale, clammy skin, pressed right up against mine.

With a grunt and a squirt, Rob was done. I cried and collapsed to the floor, feeling dirty and ashamed, his almighty semen dripping from my bruised anus.
I hated myself as I looked up to see his grinning face, and then he was gone, ascended to the B3ta towers in the sky once more.

...and that's how I was raped by God.

and apologies for the blatant arse-licking in this post.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:42, 12 replies)

God made me do it...
"God told me to stand for election" George W Bush, 2000.

"God told me to end the tyranny in Iraq" Dubya again, 2003.

"God will be my judge on Iraq" Tony Blair, 2003.

Regardless of what God might think, I think they're both cunts.

I'm sure 87,600 dead Iraqi civillians would agree.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:41, 10 replies)

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell"
Usually gives the door-knocking types pause for thought.

Jean-Paul Sartre I believe, although I've just looked it up and found it attributed to Aldous Huxley.
(username1, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:37, 2 replies)

When I was about 8,
my very Christian Aunty would look after me and my brother if Mum was busy. Her kids (my cousins) went to Sunday school and she did everything in her power to persuade us to go too.

One day, I gave in and decided to go and was bored out of my tiny little mind by a man in a skirt. He was talking nonsense about a 'superhero' who clearly didn't exist anywhere other than some comic called 'The Bible' (which I'd never read).

I came home and complained about it. Then went the following week. The week after AND the week after that.

The gave away free biscuits at the end of the ceremony (or whatever it's called) and they was a girl called Sam who let me see her knickers!

That is as far as my interest in church has ever gone.

EDIT - I just re-read that and when I say I was 'BORED' by a priest - I didn't mean it in the catholic sense!
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:35, Reply)

There must be more than this!
I am irritated by the above statement. Have you seen the world? It's brilliant (and quite large)!
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:29, 4 replies)

Doublethink
I got into - well, all right, engineered - a conversation over Christmas with Andy, one of my parents' friends, about the existence of god. He's a Christian of the evangelical sort, and a kind of creationist to boot. I'd had a bit to drink, and... well, maybe the Devil took me over for a bit.

This would be a ho-hum story but for one thing. I asked him about the evidence for his beliefs. "It's not about evidence," he said. "It's about faith."

Now, Andy is a doctor. A fairly senior doctor. I'd like to think that evidence is fairly central to his life and what he does. Faith, quite properly, ought to play no part in treatment decisions - and were a student or colleague to venture a diagnosis based on faith, I'd expect him to reject it and tell them they were wrong. (I'd expect students to tell him he was wrong, too, if he did the same. It cuts both ways.)

Andy looked uncomfortable. He wiffled something about it being different. OK, then - I don't accept that, but let's let it pass for the moment. What about the origin of the universe and the origin of life? That's an example where there's plenty of evidence for the big bang, evolution, and all that stuff. Didn't that obviate the need for a creator god? Indeed, wasn't it a much better explanation than would be the invocation of a creator god? Aren't these examples where science clearly has the edge over anything religion can offer?

His response? To trot out the laboured claims about evolution being only a threory, the hackneyed nonsense about the second law of thermodynamics, the supposed difference between macro and microevolution, the antiquity of the biblical account - in short, every straw that could be clutched was clutched.

I'd remind you that this was a senior doctor. Ostensibly, a scientist. Someone who relies on evidence to do his job. And here he was, denying either the evidence, or its importance, and placing blind faith and deference to authority in its place.

And that, my friends, is terrifying.


THIS IS THE FUNNIEST STORY YOU'LL READ ALL WEEK.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:27, 14 replies)

I am a godparent for my youngest sister.
When renouncing the devil at the font, I crossed my fingers behind my back.


Childish I know but it's little victories like that against the church that make me smile.
( girlinthehole, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:20, 2 replies)

I was christened as a baby
and went to Sunday school.*

Not that my parents have ever been particularly religious (and in fact have grown less so in their old age), it was more the middle class conventional thing to do, and I went to a CofE primary, for the standard of the teaching, and one of the requirements was that you attended Sunday school.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and even by the end of primary school I've figured out what a load of claptrap this religion nonsense is. (If the logical fallacies in your belief system can be spotted by an eight year old, you gotta take a long hard look at yourself really)

Wow, I am in a rambling mood this morning. Anyway, fast forward to the time of my confirmation. My parents wanted me to be confirmed. I definitely did not want to be confirmed. I considered it insulting that it was even suggested. Lots of arguments and such, and we eventually came to a compromise that I would attend the confirmation classes (classes?! Yep, you have to go and read the Bible at the church once a week so the vicar can strengthen your programming and try and erase more of your brain), but that when it came to be time for me to be confirmed, I would decide whether or not I wanted to be, now I was in possession of the facts.

Pah. Fucking bollocks, I'd decided beforehand that I wasn't gonna be confirmed, nothing's gonna change my mind. One thing for it, stop going to the classes. Didn't work, vicar told the parents, got forcibly frogmarched to the church every Wednesday.

However, for those of you in a similar situation, I can advise that an extremely effective way to get out of being confirmed is to get caught, in the vestry, kissing one of your confirmation classmates, drinking the communion wine (actually cheap sherry, but hey we were about 12). Apparently this is a big no no in religious terms, who'da thunk it?

My parents and both my sisters are confirmed, I am not. I am entirely happy with this state of affairs.

*For those still trying to figure out who I am, here's a clue that probably won't help you: it was the Sunday school of the church that Chris Tarrant attended. One of my claims to fame, or not.
(username1, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:17, Reply)

JW’s
Ahh this one takes me back.

The year was 5 BK (Before Kids- (in my life anyway)) me and the missus were having a lazy day off of work. I had been pissing about on my N64 trying to get a 100% complete on Ocarina of Time when the doorbell rang.

I opened the door to see two JW’s, copy of Watchtower in hand at the ready. They introduced themselves and gave me the obligatory question about faith.

I must have had an off day then as I decided to have a conversation with the JWs about my own personal views on religion and why I would not want to be a JW. The JWs were pretty good and held up a decent argument for a while until I got to the subject of blood transfusions. As the woman went into a tirade about how they (The JW’s) use things better than blood she suddenly stopped dead and stared at something over my shoulder.

I turned to see my soon to be wife had realised that I was never going to slam the door in their faces and decided to do something herself. She had popped upstairs and gone into her special wardrobe for props.

So now myself and the JWs were looking at the sight of her dressed in her very skimpy PVC horny devil costume (Complete with mini pitchfork). I picked my jaw up off the floor , turned to the JWs and said “ As you can see I have a better option staying with the devil for now, cheers though” and slammed the door to go be wicked with the aforementioned PVC clad devil.

I think that this little stunt may have got us blacklisted as they have never called again, which is a shame as I never found out what was better than blood in a blood transfusion.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:05, 2 replies)

Religion is fine
It's the twats that believe in it that cause the problems.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:03, Reply)

I've emailed chick tracts a few times,
congratulating them on their fundamental approach to religion. You're on a one way ticket if you're gay, use drugs, are a Commie, trade unionist, Muslim, Buddhist, Cafflick, in fact any other religion, read your horoscope, go trick or treating, visit a fortune teller, or commit suicide. There's other stuff too, offhand I can't remember.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:02, 4 replies)

When I was in school
We periodically had visits from one of those Christian drama groups. You know the ones, they try to be cool and down with the kids, and miss by about fourteen miles. Turned up in a big van painted in Jesus logos and did some cringeworthy play that tried and failed to relate religion to our everyday teenage lives. I think they were called the IMPACT team, I can't remember what the acronym stood for but it would've been something pretty contrived.

Anyway, they came to visit us once or twice a year, and did their shit play with terribly done plywood sets and CBBC presenter level patronising acting. It was pretty shit, but sitting in the gym watching it probably beat being in lessons, you could just go to sleep at the back.

The team was run by two brothers, or at least they always told us they were brothers; the rumour mill had them as gay lovers. Not sure whether there was any truth in that. The main one was called Stuart, Stuart Burnside I think, although that could be wrong. He looked like a Christian version of a young Adrian Edmondson, not that that's germane to our story at all.

One year, which would have been several years after I'd started school, so we were all used to them rocking up in their Jesus mobile, they turned up, and we all filed into the gym and sat down on those wooden benches you get for school PE but have never seen anywhere before or since, you know the ones with the flappy out bits at the end so you can hook them over stuff (this isn't germane either, I seem to be in a tangential mood this morning).

The other fella (I can never remember his name, he always played second fiddle to old Stuart) came out, sans Stuart. What's going on?! Well he's gonna tell us straight away, cos the first thing he says is 'Before we start, I'd just like to explain why Stuart isn't with us today. He died six months ago, since our last visit here. I'd just like to take a moment so we can all join in a prayer for him.'

Couldn't have misjudged it more really, you should have seen the look on this bloke's face as, instead of us bowing our heads and praying for Stuart's eternal salvation, about 700 children of various ages absolutely pissed themselves laughing. Some wag shouted out 'DID HE DIE OF AIDS THEN?', which only raised the volume of the laughter.

Poor Stuart's brother (still don't know his name) luckily managed to nip behind one of his bits of plywood before he fully broke down into tears. A little while later a teacher came out and said they'd cancelled today's show, back to lessons, two weeks detention FOR THE WHOLE SCHOOL, and could some of the more well behaved kids stay behind to help him chuck the plywood in the van.

I feel a bit bad about this, ten or fifteen years later - I am a committed anti-theist (with my personal beliefs being some strange sort of nihilist-humanist dichotomy, depending what mood I'm in), but I don't wish death on religious people.

Morals of the story:

1. NEVER assume kids will be kind, especially in large groups - they develop a sort of hive mentality that feeds on any display of weakness.

2. By the time they enter high school, most people have already figured out what a load of shite religion is and don't want it shoved down their throats, even if it means getting out of double maths.

No apologies for length or offensiveness.

(Edit: and can anyone else remember the IMPACT team from their school days?)
(username1, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:01, 1 reply)

And God Replied to Spikeypickle
For he had asked.

1. In my experience, the Irish are a lot of trouble. Rewarding, but trouble. Some of them want to be your slave. The question you need to ask yourself is this: can you handle them? I'm not sure I can, and I'm impotent omnipotent.

2. A fair price is difficult to specify in these Troubled Times^TM. Whatever you choose, I recommend that you get paid in Euro or Norwegian Kroner, though.

3. It's only fair that women should confine themselves to a tent, or wear a cowbell, or something like that at this time. Sans tent and cowbell, I reckon you're OK.

4. Yes. Always smite. Then occupy their house as well.

5. Either's fine by me. Just make sure that it's not the Sabbath when you do it.

6. Your friend is on to something. Munching on a clam has a lot going in its favour.

7. Well, I suppose that, if your sight is defective, you might not actually realise that it's an altar you're approaching. You might have thought it was a bus or something. I'm very forgiving - in a wrathful kind of way.

8. Drown them in Timotei.

9. Nope. No way out. Sorry.

10. What you need to do is to build a great big wicker man, put him in it, and set fire to it. Just make sure that the "man" isn't too lifelike, OK - you wouldn't want to fall foul of the graven image regulations.

11. THUNDERCATS? *SMITES*



Please call again soon.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:59, 1 reply)

I believe in God but not religion
I know, I konw. It's a really egotistical statement that that makes me look like a prick but here's my reasoning:

IU do believe in a Greater Being that created everything, using the only materials available, itself. That means (for me) that everything and everyone is a part of God and to worship you need to treat everyone and everything with respect.

I don't believe in religions. The main reason is that fact the pure ideas behind religions get corrupted by power hungry fools who manipulate texts for their own good.

Examples:

The Roman Emporer who "created" the bible (ie gathered the stores together and decided which ones to go in the book) did it because "Religion is a good way to control the people" This is part of Roman Catholic Law.

The Muslim "50 virgins when you die" things actualy original translation was 50 wise thoughts. (or whatever the number is)

My view is bascily: Treat eveyone/thing with love and respect until they prove that they don't deserve it.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:40, Reply)

Jehovah's Witnesses
These are great, because they believe the whole Bible is literally true. When they knocked at the door with a 15 year-old girl in tow and me with a raging hangover, I cut to the chase. I addressed the girl directly, and said:

"Noah's Ark, right? All the animals alive today were on board. Well, there are between five and eight million species of beetle in the world. Noah was obviouly a man who spent a lot of his time on his hands and knees looking under logs and stones. And he must have been more resourceful than the entire scientific community from its inception to the present day which has only identified about 350,000 of those species. So, tell me how did Noah get five million species of beetle on the ark?"

She thought about it for a minute, and then said:

"Maybe he only took a few species with them, and they produced all the rest."

"A few species giving rise to a variety of species? We have a word for that."

Shocked, she clasped her hand over her mouth, and gasped:

"Evolution!"

I nodded. She thought about it some more.

"Maybe he cross-bred the beetles to make more species."

"Yep. Still evolution, I'm afraid."

At this point the others are starting to shuffle her away from me.

"And what about freshwater fish? You know, the ones that die if they go in the sea? How much of the ark was aquarium?"

As they ushered her off my doorstep, I saw I'd planted the salmon of doubt.

The older woman with her did come back, and tried to convince me Jesus was an angel. At which point I realised even she didn't know what she was talking about.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:32, 9 replies)

Dear Enzyme (for he is my God this week),
Hello God,

I've been reading my bible like a good little boy, but some passages have made me a tad confused. Hopefully you can help me out here:

1) Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to the English, but not Irish people. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own some Irishmen?

2) I would like to sell my son into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for him?

3) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is: my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than being a gayer. I do not agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7) Lev.21:20 state that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wriggle-room here?

8) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? Again, do I do this myself or there an official body that you contract this out to?

9) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean but I had some scratching with my pint last Saturday. Any way out of this?

10) My mate Sid has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field. His wife violates the same order by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and take the Lords name in vain quite a lot. Is it necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

11) I should also mention the tattoos (Lev 19:28) - any chance of forgiveness for those? Some are quite pretty and bet you're a fan of Thundercats!

Please help me Enzyme, you're my only hope.

Love, hugs and holy kisses,

Spikeypickle (age 30years and 51 weeks exactly!)

PS: I'm also 'living in sin', had some sex out of wedlock and 'spilt some seed'. Any chance of a bit of forgiveness there as well please pal?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:24, 11 replies)

Religion is a Disease
I've had more than my fair share of brushes with religion, I was an out spoken Athiest before it became cool. I am now slowly turning into an Anti-Theist and rally against this stupidity where ever I see it.

The turning point was my nephew coming home from School with creationist propaganda.

Fucking creationists get on my nerves so much I just had to go into the school find out who was responsible and challenge them to a debate in assembly.

To use internet vernacular I pwnd her ass and had the head master promise not to unthinkingly let teachers hand this shit out for fear of being labeled intolerant.

So whilst I generaly have no problem with moderates, I still think they are stupid because they allow the fundys to grow under the umbrella of respect they so smugly demand from society.

They should be laughed at and mocked for believing in this shit that a bunch of Middle Eastern Nomadic Hebrew Goat Herders made up to answer the questions we've pretty much answered properly now.

Get over it, they were wrong then it's wrong now and you're a grown up. Stop talking to imaginary friends.

... and relax.
(Doogie Talons, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:22, 2 replies)

I'm just wondering......
If I've got the whole God thing wrong, lets say he does exist and he has the keys to heaven and stuff.

Who made God?

Before God, who was the God who made God? And, based on the Greeks all being Gods eons ago, what God made them eh?

It doesn't make sense to me.

The more anyone thinks about the existence of God, the more likely they'll be to doubt their faith.

I'm still amazed at the number of seemingly 'clever' people who believe in him.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:17, 6 replies)

My favourite piece of graffiti, seen on the toilet wall of the Edinburgh student union...
"God is dead"- Nietzsche

"Nietzsche is dead"- God
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 9:37, 5 replies)

Life is unfair
It's my birthday today.

I'm sat at my desk at work. I've got a meeting in a minute with a bloke named Mr Dick (who is a German, but lets not hold that against him), I have to try and sell Mr Dick some shit without smirking whenever I say his unfortunate name.

I should be at home opening presents.

And that cunt Jesus always had his birthday on Christmas Day, the lucky fucker...

He'd never once have to work on his fucking birthday. No, all he'd do is sit round, eat turkey, watch the Queens' speech, open his presents (probably a pair of fucking sandles and a beard trimmer), and drink Baileys and eat Quality Streets til he vomitted in the kitchen bin.

What a fucking jammy cunt...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 9:30, 6 replies)

A Muslim terrorist blows himself up..
on passing to the other side, he see's a flight of stairs and begins to climb them, until he meets a man..

"Are you Mohammed"? asks the terrorist
"No I'm St.Peter, Mohammed is further up"!

So further up the stairs he climbed until he met a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed"? asks the terrorist
"No I'm Jesus, Mohammed is further up"!

Wow ! Thinks the terrorist as he starts to climb the stairs again..Mohammed is higher up than Jesus!

Much higher up, he meets another man.

"Are you Mohammed"? asks the terrorist
"No I am God...You must be really thirsty from climbing all those stairs, would you like a cup of tea"?

"oh yes please" said the terrorist

God shouts "MOHAMMED YOU LITTLE PAKI CUNT, PUT THE KETTLE ON".
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 9:26, 1 reply)

Sexy Nun
Back in January it was my girlfriend Liz's birthday. I found myself down in Soho and accidentally went into a sex shop, as you do.

I was quite happily scanning through the skin flicks, sex aids, mags and lubes when the fella behind the counter looked up and asked if I needed any help.

"Just browsing," I said, as I picked up a copy of Hot Butts and started *ahem* reading.

The fella shot me a disgusted look and said: "This isn't fucking Waterstones, mate."

I shrugged and carried on with my *ahem* study. Then I looked up and saw it. It was as if the clouds had parted and a shaft of pure, iridescent light shone down from heaven, shot from God's very own index finger as he sat on a cloud munching grapes, basking it in a lovely, godly glow. There may even have been harps playing and a chorus of angels going: "Ahhhh-AA-Ahhhh-AA-Ahhhhhhhhh!"

I walked over and picked it up off the shelf, went over to the counter, and purchased the fucker.

Liz is gonna fucking love this! I thought.

Later that evening after I've made Liz a birthday meal, taken her out for some birthday pints (I'm full of fucking class, me), and given her her other boring presents, I pull 'the ultimate gift' from my bag and hand it over with a big beaming smile.

"There you go, angel," I say, "I love you."

And Liz looks at the box and smiles back at me.

"A sexy nun outfit?" she asks, she starts laughing her wicked sex laugh. "Wanna take it for a test drive?"

REEEEEEE-SSSSS-UUUUU-LLLLL-TTTTT !!!

And, if I do say so myself, this was the sexiest fucking outfit in the world ever. We're talking slinky black mini dress, sluty black stockings, a peephole bra, tiny black briefs that you could swallow if you wern't careful, a rather cheeky little wimple, and even a little crucifix on a chain.

Now, being a Catholic boy the mere concept of a sexy nun outfit gave me the raging horn. Actually having one in my clammy hands and knowing I was going to use it with the woman I love, well, I very nearly had a stroke on the spot.

Moments later, a little bit drunk and incredibly horny, we're getting down to some serious full assault, horny, grinding, pumping, screaming, squelching, hooting fucking - making use of the sexy nun outfit.

God, it made me feel so fucking naughty. It really was fucking incredibly. An almost relegious experience, you could say.

"Spanky..."

"Spanky..."

"SPANKY!!!"

I look up from my work. "What, sweetheart?"

Liz has a strange look on her face, she doesn't seem to be enjoying it. "Spanky, it's not doing anything for me."

Fuck!

Liz can see I'm crestfallen. I stop mid thrust and sort of hang round on top of her, looking pissed off.

"Sorry," I mumble, sounding like a big fucking child who's just had his box of toys taken away.

Liz strokes my hair and says: "You know what. It might work better if I wear the outfit..."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 9:21, 18 replies)