Not me but my future Sis in Law
Picture the scece, a sleepy welsh village in the late 80's. the Future Mrs Odin had been dragged off to midnight mass by the Mother, the sis being 7 years older was left to her own devices, the devices being Alcahol. So midway through the Midnight Mass she decides to join the family in the religous devotions. Throwing the chuch doors open and slurred "Shhhhhhhh, dont tell mum I'm late." Problem was eagle eyed mother had spotted her. In all fairness the blind Preist from Little Nicky would have been hard pressed to miss her entrance, But what happend next was the stuff of legend. Sister sat in a pew, then slid off the pew as she realised her mother was sitting opposite her, Misjuding her slide she cracked her head on the pew and knocked herself out. The only thing that saved her life was the fact that the future Mrs O was sat between them.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 20:29, Reply)

There was a thing
in our student paper complaining that cake is now a christian food because the Christian Union were giving out cakes. Someone went on a rant about how cakes should not be used to advance religious dogma, being sacred in themselves.

I have never heard anything so fucking stupid in my life. Mind you, I was served by a Muslim lady in Sainsbury's last week, I'm worried I'll get Islam from my baked beans.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 20:24, 7 replies)

Uncalled for
I think religious people are all right, I'm not going to rant about them if they don't give me any bother. But anyone or anything proclaiming some new-agey 'embrace God, God is love' message is almost guaranteed to set me off, especially if it's being crammed in my face like a delicious butter-cookie-and-hazelnut-chocolate treat. Consider it a character flaw.

Not to get too far off the point...

I was driving merrily down the freeway, blasting obnoxious power metal - yes, summer holiday was in full swing and I was en route to sit around, watch tv and play games all day until my brain melted out my ears. I glanced up at the overpass idly as one does when one needs something to focus your eyes on for a moment, and what did I happen to see?

A bus parked on the curb reading 'Jesus is our Lord, not a swear word'.

My completely natural reaction was of course to shriek 'Jesus Christ!' and nearly kill myself swerving the car closely into other cars for a few seconds until I could calm my impotent rage.

Jesus buses - not big (waitaminute) or clever.
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 20:10, Reply)

Aetheists
I dont really have much time for organized religion, but as long as people dont keep on about it im cool. Each to their own. But I have a friend who is a born again aetheist. he takes every opportunity to mention Dawkins, the Spagetti monster, points out the logic holes in other faiths blah blah blah. Give it a rest, it's really annoying. (And he cheated at Warmachine the cock socket)
(kitescreech still here, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:59, Reply)

What did God give us Neil?
God gave us life, Nigel.

Sure did!

One, two, three, four, John the Baptist knows the score...

God gave us life
God gave us life
God gave us life
God gave us life

So that we could all play
With our mates
In the street, with the ball
That we bought, from the shop
Just last week.

God gave us life
God gave us life
God gave us life
God gave us life

So that we
Could take sweets, from strange men
In big cars
And get driven to the woods
To stroke
Non-existant puppies.

But he also gave us Little and Large
And he also gave us Una Stubbs
And he also gave us Matthew Kelly
And he also gave us Lionel Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiir!

God gave us life
(Hallelujah)
God gave us life
(Hallelujah)
God gave us life
(Hallelujah)
God gave us life
(Hallelujah)


God gave us life
(Pontius Pilot)
God gave us life
(Gordon Jackson)
God gave us life
(Bobby Charlton)
God gave us life
HAVE A BANANA!!!!!!

Apologies if some of the lyrics are a bit wrong...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:49, 5 replies)

Religious Education...
I hated RE and even more so my teacher. One time I'd had enough and decided enough was enough of all the bullshit she was trying to feed us so I told her I didn't agree with anything she said and I didn't believe in God...

... she gave me a detention! How fuckin' unfair?!

Appropriately her name was Mrs Godson, and she never educated us, more forced her religion on to us and shot down all other beliefs labelling them ridiculous.

A boy named Mohammed was brave enough to inform her he was in fact a Muslim and apologised quite politely that he had his own beliefs, but he would just get on with it quietly to which she replied, "What a silly boy!"
(narna ... the cunning linguist, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:46, 4 replies)

I was walking into Uni the other day...
and low and behold guess who I get attacked by?

That's right, Christians.

Now, I went to a Methodist school for 14 years which only had the effect of putting me off religion for life. But what it did do was make me a very well informed atheist...something that god botherers hate to come against.

So,

As these smiling, jovial people with the twinkle of Jesus in their eye approached me I had a shifty glance at, first my watch to see if I had time to spare and second, at their hands for any reading material. God botherer's reading material is gold dust there's always something that a good, clear thinking non believer can rip into.

I was 15 mins early and they had leaflets. Success.

I smiled a smile that Judas himself would have been proud and graciously stopped and warmly held out me hand to recieve the deity document.

On the inside was the typical, "This is how you should live your life" clap trap. But what interested me was the outside cover...

Imagine, my fellow b3tards, a serene landscape with every ethnicity in God's good green earth merrily chatting and smiling away like nothing was wrong in the world. Then, as your eyes scan this utopia, you see something that shouldn't be...

A small child feeding grapes, to a bear.

Strange.

Without saying anything (yet) to the ever smiling jesus freaks still at my side I continued to scan...and, with muffled laughter I came across the holy grail (not literally)...

A man and woman offering, in what I can only describe as some kind of sacrifice, a infant girl, to a Lion.

Attempting to keep a straight face I asked the beaming imbeciles what the meaning of this picture was. This was followed by a rehearsed speach about unity and love which I was all too happy to cut short, tell them that they were a danger to society, should take thier fanciful preaching/propaganda elsewhere and adviced them to stay away from Zoos because apparently their perception of health and safety was slightly skewed.

And I made it to my lecture with time to spare. It was about soil, and it wasn't even half as fun as those precious few minutes with the God brigade.
(Sir David Von Chodesworth can't find any audiobook transcripts, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:39, 1 reply)

That bloke on the corner
...outside Camden Town tube. Y'know, 'JESUS IS ALIVE', lots of batshit rambling, screaming that everyone is a sinner. That bloke is about the only thing that makes me glad religion exists. Legend.

To be fair, I don't really have anything much in the way of bad stories when it comes to the whole God thing. I just don't believe in it, gone are the days when I felt the need to argue about it.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:28, 4 replies)

I can hear voices
Now, for some background, I'm an audiologist. Basically, all these shrivelled up, creaking and groaning old people come to me when they have problems with their hearing. We fit hearing aids, they can hear their bowels voiding into their colostomy bags again, joys all round.

However, we occasionally get people in who are a bit loopy. Such as the old nutter that decided his hearing aids let him hear God

I'm not taking the piss, this guy came in for a follow up and told me he could hear God through his hearing aids. I'd fitted him with them, and when I'd seen him the first time he seemed "fairly" sane. In that he wasn't undressing himself in front of me or asking me where the goblins come from (this has happened on more than one occasion - Devon, tch).

So he came in, sat down and said "Yeah, great, I can hear much better, but I can hear God now"

Riiiiiight. I proceed to joke with him that no hearing aid is that good, but he's not pulling my leg, he was deadly serious. Hmmmmmm

I asked him a few questions - What does he say? All the time? Can you hear any other deity or religious figure.

I just couldn't figure it out. I was in the process of referring him to a psychiatrist, checked his details, and then looked at his address. The Old Vicarage

"You don't by any chance live next to a church do you sir?"
"As a matter of fact, I do, why?"
"Because you are tuning into the sermons through your hearing aid, thats why*!"

Turns out he was telling the truth the whole time. Shows how much I think of religion I guess, I just assumed he was a crackpot.



*For the technical amongst you, he was on a loop system setting, which meant he was hearing what the church was broadcasting on their induction loop system.
(Dovvit bee, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:24, 1 reply)

Not much really
I'm an agnostic and have been for a while. Now I really don't mind other people's beliefs, but this is awfully unconvincing to religious friends of mine as I cannot help but laugh to myself whenever I hear that they or someone they know is going to church. I truly can't explain it, and I like to think I'm fairly tolerant, but I suppose subconsciously I think its all a bit nuts.
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:15, Reply)

Stalker Boy could play the organ (fnar fnar)
and would go over to the church in the same village as our school, sit himself down, arrange his sheet music and launch into this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdgGYo4lBio

I wish I was joking.
( Maladicta, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:08, Reply)

The thing I'm most ashamed
of doing with a penis is putting it in all those choirboys.

Signed,

Father Michael Hill
(Sir General ***WoW***, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 19:03, Reply)

i went to a catholic school
and one dinner time, a lad in my year group broke into the ICT block and decided to use the phone.

he phoned up the RE department

"Alright cheryl* love how's it going?"
"Students aren't allowed to use the phones who is it?"
"Oh its ok its just me"
"who's me?"
"just me, yknow god. keep up the good work love!"

*the head of department for RE
(i eat crayons, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:53, Reply)

The day I moved into my apartment last year,
I was greeted with a cheery "hellooooo" while attempting to carry a box of stuff with one hand.
The owner of the voice informed me her name was Sunny, she lived above my apartment, and that she was having some people over that night and would I like to join them?
I declined as I had plans.
Woke up the following morning, Sunday, and decide to have a wander around the apartment complex to check out the laundry room, pool, gym etc and get my bearings, when I bump into Sunny. This time she's full of the joys of spring and carrying a guitar on her back.

"Sue.....would you like to come to church with me this morning?"
Oh fuck, oh fuckity fuckity fuck.
"No thanks, Sunny, I'm going out for breakfast with friends, but thanks for the offer".
A few weeks go by, and she invites me to all kinds of Christian themed events, with me politely declining and trying not to roll my eyes.

Eventually, after a couple of months, Sunny started telling me how Jesus would save me if I'd just let him into my life. I started getting a bit firmer with her. "Look, Sunny, I appreciate it but I really am agnostic and really don't want to listen to you blithering on any more about Jesus." I swear she was waiting by my car for me every weekend morning, stalking me, trying to get me to see the light.

Finally, one Sunday morning I got home from the boyfriends house after a seriously good morning shag. Sunny is trotting down the stairs.
"Good morning Sue!! Have you changed your mind? Have you talked to Jesus lately?"

"Yes, Sunny, I called his name this morning while getting a right good fucking from my boyfriend. Now piss off, and leave me alone".

And she did. I never saw her again.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:45, Reply)

Probably more suited to
the 'I'm going to hell' QOTW, but hey ho!

During a night on the razzle a few years back, we decided it would be a wise idea to steal the baby Jesus from the nativity scene at the cathedral. Some time later, the baby jesus was found by my mate's dad at the back of the garden covered in old beer cans.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:44, Reply)

Mother in Law
My mother in law is lovely and she's very religious.

The first time we met, we had a meal at her house.

I was smiling, ALOT, trying to be nice and everything when out of the blue she said....

"Stop laughing at Jesus!"

Errrr....

"I'm not laughing at Jesus, I'm just smiling"

There is a picture of Jesus on the wall, but he's not doing anything funny.

I still don't get it

EDIT: Ironically, now whenever I look at the picture, I laugh at it, but it's still just Jesus not doing anything
(Jugular, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:39, Reply)

...
Ah, religion, always a good subject to bring out the nutters and ranters…


Now I’ve got no problem with religion as a concept, and other than being confused as to why so many seemly intelligent people believe in it then I’m pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. That said, those weirdy-beardy types who think that because other people who they’ve never seen, spoken to, or even met believe in something ever so slightly different to themselves, then they should blow themselves up on public transport and seriously inconvenience my commute into work, aren’t top of the list of people I would want to have a swift half with.

It does seem that the vast majority of religious people are such because:
a) they were brain-washed into it as children, or
b) they have had to face their own mortality and can’t deal with the thought of nothingness,
neither of which they are responsible for.

[I know brain-washed is a pretty strong phrase, but what else would you call believing in something that you have absolutely no proof of, which defies the laws of biology, logic and plain commonsense just because your parents did?]

Clearly I’m not a fan of the god.

However, the science thing doesn’t explain everything to me either. Somebody with a much better way with words than me (perhaps that should be ‘I’???) once wrote: First there was nothing, which exploded…
(Pratchett according to google).

Furthermore life has been evolving on this plant for the last few billion years, and possibly a lot longer if the original spark came from elsewhere. Therefore, at the risk of sounding somewhat species-bigheaded, we are the end product of literally billions of years of design improvements, upgrades and patches. We’re quite literally the frogs willy of life. The bestest ever. We’re so advanced we use a whole range of specially designed tools to move food from plate to mouth. This is simply fact.

Which unfortunately leads us to the impossible question:

As I am a super-being at the cutting edge of creation, why the F’ are my sideburns ginger?
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:36, 2 replies)

A friend with bad taste and big balls
but who is in fact one of the least fascist people you could know, once walked down Canterbury high street wearing a hoody with a silhoutte of Auschwitz B on the front and 'KILL ALL JEWS' plastered all over the back.

A policeman(not unreasonably) asks him to take it off, suggesting that it may cause offence to well, just about everyone. Pal declines. Policeman gets angry and says if he doesn't take it off, then he'll have to go to the police station for a telling off. Matey boy reluctantly removes the hoody, to reveal a T-shirt emblazened (in 6" letters) with 'JESUS IS A CUNT'.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:34, 3 replies)

God botherers
Living in Canterbury as I do (a fairly christian city) religious loons preaching in the street and on your doorstep have become a fact of life.

Take for instance the man who used to stand on a podium in the high street bellowing at all who would listen,
"I am 3 million years old! I saw the birth of Christ with my own eyes!". Of course you did, good sir.

Since a new Jehovah's witness centre has opened in town, the bible bashing has become more regular. My personal favourite attempt to try and discourage them from returning was opening the door, rolling the eyes, yelling "NO THANKS, WE'RE MUSLIM' and slamming the door in their face.

Oh, and my girlfriend's mother once charged Dr. Rowan Williams full price to get into the Roman museum. Come on, charging 'him up there' to get in? When he has already tried to explain that he's a resident? That'll be an eternity of slavery and floggings then.....
(Sir General ***WoW***, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:24, 3 replies)

Hell by Little-girl's-blouse aged 7 3/4.
Hell is very hot and all the naughty people go there after they die. When you arrive you have red hot pokers up your bum because that must really hurt. The only people who don't get red hot pokers up their bum are the people who like getting red hot pokers up their bum. My mum says there's some weird people in the world and my brother who's 10 showed me a picture on the computer of a man with no clothes on. He was bending over and showing his bum hole and it was really big and red like he had had a red hot poker up it. My brother said it was something to do with goats but I don't see how.
( girlinthehole, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:22, 2 replies)

Evangelical guy
Told my muslim friend in R.E. class quite bluntly she would be going to hell. Oh how we laughed and then ripped the shit out of every flaw we could find in what he said.
The only way to God is through Jesus don't forget!

"So what about the people who lived before Jesus?"
"Well they all goto heaven"
"So if they was someone like Hitler before Jesus was born he gets into heaven?"
"..."

Muhahaha, to be honest thats the only part I can remember, my muslim friend and I then spent about 20 minutes asking questions to this guy and watching him squirm as he couldn't think up answers we would then turn on him. We got a certificate as well for asking such good questions! I was very happy!

On a side note I tend to hiss like a cat whenever someone mentions going into a church and I do think I might melt if I ever go back into one...

Also... please be gentle, its my first story time post!
(TrudyScrumptious, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:20, Reply)

Nuns are lethal!
Brill QotW!!

This happened only the other day.


It was lunch so me and a friend (who wished to remain name-less) were walking into Morrisons to get a sarnie and to mock Jade Goodie's tribute magazine (its hillarious).

We were walking out of the door and got to the road that goes right through the centre of the car park. We shimmy on up to the crossing and look both ways.

A car comes around the corner at about Mach 4 (ts actually about 40, but it seemed like Mach 4) and drives straight across the crossing (where we had right of way) and out of the exit.

Driving the car was a very old and very shrivvled up Nun. Yes, a Nun!!

We stood there, amazed that the shrizzled up Nun in her equally shrivvled up Micra could get to 40mph. It took us a while, but we started walking back talking about the irony of a traffic accident (and possible death) caused by a Nun.




Not really church-ish, but it'll do.
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:14, Reply)

I thank whoever came up wth the concept of God
because without that, I wouldn't have as much material for my two theology degrees. People who believe in God do lots of fighting which has to be resolved!

Plus studying religion is very interesting, if not so useful in a recession :S
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 18:12, Reply)

Remember....
...God is just dog spelled backwards. I answer to a higher paw!
(Woofie, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 17:51, Reply)

God?
I am God.

Bow down before ye be smoten.

xxxx
(Papa Chocolat, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 17:42, 1 reply)

My mother-in-law used to be a nun.
Seriously. She was a nun for some time, but ended up leaving the order and some years later, married and had children. Her sister was also a nun, but she stuck it out for a few decades. You can probably imagine what a party it is when we (the non-believers) get together with my husband's side of the family.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 17:33, 4 replies)

According to last weeks question...
It's spankyhanky.

Mystery Solved.

Jindod fell to his knees. "I come from a great line of Dods" he whimpered but it fell upon deaf ears. "Dod Out! Dod Out!" the villagers cried. The gentle giant rose high on his hind legs and burst into floods of tears...Human feces running from his floppy ears. "...a long line of Dods" he continued.
With a deep sigh he tumbled forwards and rolly pollied away.
"Dignity" a man in a dress mouthed into a handleless beaker.
Shilpa Popadum was having none of it.
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 17:32, Reply)

I am looking forward to reading all the posts this week
about how all god botherers are jaded lunatic worshippers of mythical beings and stories.

I have faith, I would never push it upon someone else and most in fact of the people I know who go to church do and would not push their faith onto others. I like having faith, for me personally it gives me peace of mind and having the belief that there is something more after all this is comforting, and working and living in a massively multicultural area it really helps me identify with a lot of the families I work with.

One thing I have noticed though is that a lot of atheists are far worse than a lot of the christians I know when it comes to pushing what they believe. They demand proof and of course unless you are able to come back from the dead be it a scientific breakthrough or a holy miracle you will never be able to give this proof, so then your labelled as a freak and a loon.
My believing in god doesn't harm anyone, and if you are going to throw the "Religion creates War" card at me then I will try and throw the "If they weren't fighting over religion then they would be fighting over something else" card.

Yes you get the odd bloke standing in town with a life size replica of Jesus' Crucifix strapped to his back bawling about fire and damnation for sinners, you can walk past him and ignore him if you chose to? I often open the door to Jehovah's Witnesses and will spend a few minutes listening to what they have to say I have never been rude to them or just told them I am not interested and not once have they tried to convert me, they just give me a copy of the watchtower, read a bit of the bible to me, wish me well and bugger off next door.

Anyway I am not sure what my point is to this post I wanted to put across the point of view from the other side of religion from a normal 30 yr old girls point of view, and say that it doesn't hurt to just get on with life allowing other people believe what they want to believe, I would never try and force an Atheist to believe in God so why are all the ones I have met damned set on proving to me that something that makes me happy and brings me comfort, doesn't exist.

I also want to point out that this post isn't aimed at all atheists just the ones I have met.
( Mrs. Spatum, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 17:24, 22 replies)

Suffer the Little Children
When I was a child, I was quite the pious little thing. My parents were baffled by this – not being of the religious bent themselves, they found it increasingly perplexing that their offspring had, at the age of five, all of the makings of one of those horribly annoying and slightly scary child preachers. I remember very clearly that, at that time, I had been taught the prayer that went “if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.” I think this line of verse was the first time that I became aware of Death and what it actually meant. What’s more, it could happen at any time – including to me – and often at the time that you’re at your most vulnerable: Sleep.

It came to pass, then, that every night I would fervently pray; not for Mummy, or Daddy, or even DangerMouse, no: for the one thing I wanted most. To not die in my sleep. Sunday school was the order of the day every Sunday, my parents dutifully dragging me down to the Church Hall for a hard morning of Bible Study and fire, with possibly some brimstone and fearing for our mortal souls thrown in.

Spring came early in 1987, and it was then that the Nun who ran Sunday School informed us that we would be putting on a play for our parents. I’ll spare you the folly of what was called the audition process, and tell you only that I was entrusted with the part of Scarecrow. Quite how this character made it in to whatever play we were doing is lost to the annals of history, but it was mine, and I had endless fun pelting around the place with straw down my jumper, forgetting about my imminent death for a while.

The weeks rolled by, and eventually it was the day when, after Church, we put on our play. My mother was with me, gallantly stuffing my clothes with straw from the farm, painting rosy cheeks on my face and practicing my line with me. (Yes, I said line. Listen, as Stanislavski said, “There are no small parts, only small actors”, OK?) To finish off my costume, a broom handle was slid up the arm of my jacket, across my shoulders, and down the other arm. I now had no movement in my arms at all. I stood in the wings, my heart beating, feeling the stick of greasepaint on my skin. I was nervous. I felt... Funny. I opined such to my mother:

“Mummy,” said I, “I feel funny.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Spake she, her angelic features once again belying the evil that resides within her “you’ll be fine.” And, with a loving but firm shove, she pushed me on to the stage.

The memory of the performance is vague. It was probably much like many primary productions anywhere – stilted, overly cute and above all terrible. But these funny feelings in my stomach would not go away. As I stepped smartly forward to the front of the stage, the feeling became... urgent. My mouth tasted acidic, almost like pear drops. The handfuls of pear drops, in fact, that I had stuffed in to my mouth not half an hour sooner.

I opened my mouth. I breathed in. The world was about to witness my acting debut.

And then, with the grace and dignity of a boy who can’t move his arms thanks to a broom handle restricting them, I vomited. Copiously. I panicked, and tried to cover my mouth with my hands. Except I couldn’t, my arms were restricted by the broom handle. The momentum I had given my body in trying to cover my mouth changed the directory and therefore target of my expulsions. In horror, I turned again, now striking a third member of the front row with pear drop flavoured stomach acid. Soon, the flow stopped, and I collapsed to the floor. As I was carried from the stage, the hall was filled with the kind of deathly silence that is, at the same time, deafeningly loud.

As my mother wiped me down, Sister Mary (the Nun who ran the school) came through, and puce with rage was she.

“Devil. In. Tights.” She flustered “You are no longer welcome in this school!” Before I or my attendant parent could react, she turned on her heel and left the room, no doubt to continue her stirling work in the community.

And as for me? Well, that was the beginning of a long road to total loss-of-faith. And all because I was sick.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 17:19, 1 reply)