A couple of weeks ago
I had some people working over the weekend. Being the ever generous boss I popped out to get some lunch for them – also keeps them at their desks being productive.

It was just before 12pm on a Sunday, and there was 2 other people in the Burger King. "Can I have 5 Double Whoppers & Cheese and 5 large chips please." The burger monkey paused and looked me up & down “Eating in or taking away?”

Cheeky cow.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 15 Apr 2011, 9:54, 5 replies)

A woman I use to work for....
Some Aussies may have head of her. Carly Crutchfield was her name and "selling" property advice was her game. After a few years of making millions from selling crap DVD's and "Elite" membership, things are starting to go the other way for her.

I'd be interested to know of anyone has met or heard of her. She was on the secret millionaire a while ago.

www.ccorp.com.au/ or www.carlycrutchfieldexposed.com/
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 9:44, 4 replies)

I used to do the KFC family bucket challenge on a regular basis.
About once a week. I had stopped for a long time, but I did do it again on Wednesday night. It's fucking great.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 9:43, 6 replies)

Office Fun with Cheese Burgers! Chips with a Fried breakfast!
Office, not far from MacDonald's. Cheeseburgers for 59p. I think. Lunchtime Challenge, Someone sponsors someone by saying "I bet u can't eat 'x' amount of burgers". We ring ahead "40 cheeseburgers please" I think one lad managed 16 till he heaved into his waste bin. It stunk of gerkins for a week.

Another job, IT support for an old factory with the classic 'dinnerladies' type canteen, except scruffier. The 'cook' would do a full slap up breakfast - inc fried bread, black pudding, mushrooms, tin of beans, fried tomato, EVERYTHING - and to top it off a portion of chips on top for good measure! It was like nothing you've ever seen before. When the finance director left, on his last day we went for it and got 2 of these each. It was like syncronised puking in the traps in the bogs! But chips - with a fried breakfast? I'd never heard of it before, total genius.
(TheManofScience, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 9:40, 5 replies)

Bloody Haribo
Happy world of Haribo .. my arse!

Halloween a couple of years ago, we got 4 big bags of Haribo gummy sweet things for the trick or treaters. Then on Halloween afternoon my Daughter fell off the climbing frame in school which meant we spent the rest of Halloween in casualty waiting for X-rays etc.

The upshot of that was, 4 big bags of unused Haribo. So being the greedy idiot that I am, I spent the next couple of days grazing through the 4 bags until before I knew it I had scoffed the lot.

2 MONTHS. It was 2 whole fecking months before I managed to have a decent shit again after ingesting all that gummy crap over such a short period of time. Every trip to the karzi was a trauma, I thought I would never crap properly again! The straining, the sweating and groaning, oh the humanity!

Fecking Haribo bastards!
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 9:38, 6 replies)

last Saturday morning
Me and my missus have massive sex. Well a shag anyway. Then she got up, got ready and went to shop. So I stayed in bed and had a wank.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 9:00, 6 replies)

My black belt in greed.
From the ages of about 8 to 10 I took part in the second most useless martial art that exists. Judo. It would have come in handy in a playground scrap against the girl doing Tai Chi in the corner, but that's as far as it goes.

The classes were dull, although I did get to meet Brian Jacks once. Even at that young age I could tell he was an arsehole though. I don't know which of the young Mums fawning round him got fucked by bins behind the leisure centre that night, but I am pretty sure one of them did. But anyway, that's off point. One lesson just before Christmas (Is lesson correct? is it class? session? I can't remember what they were called. Knowing Martial Arts they probably have a proper name like DoDo, Dim Sum or Darjeeling) was a bit different, we were set up to take part in a bunch of games and competitions with sweets as rewards. And at that age, I wasn't exactly restrained when it came to my sugar based snacks. In fact, my reputation for having a sweet tooth is such that the best judgled birthday present I received last week was a big box sent by a friend in America containing Peeps and Red Hots and ButterFingers and Idaho Spuds and Nerds and Gummi Army Guys (I can't wait to get my lips around a bunch of Army Guys...), but at that age, I really didn't hold back. So when the sweets were thrown out on to the mat and we had to forward roll our way to them, I was off tumbling like an acrobat. When we had to raced round to the four corners of the mat to get back and have first choice from the pile of sweets laid at the instructors feet, I jack rabbitted my way around as if my arse was on fire. Challenge after challenge resulted in win after win for me and my pile of sweets grew ever larger.

There was a wider point to this. The team who's members accumulated the most points were going to win some sort of trophy. I don't remember much about it, it wasn't made of chocolate so I wasn't interested, but there was some sort of benefit or kudo attached that allowed you to go first on the warm up excercises each week or store your clothes in the bigger lockers or some other inconqequential thing that seemed to matter greatly to everyone else, and by the last challenge, the teams were pretty much neck and neck as we entered the relay race. We lined up and every member of every team had to run from run end of the hall to the other and then run backwards to where they started in succession. The winning team would win the nights challenges and the sweets and the trophy. It was tense. It was fraught and we were determined. The first pair raced, pretty close, then the second, then the third, fourth and fifth, and my team was building up a lead. The six, seventh and eighth and we had almost a full lap lead. And then it was my turn. And we couldn't blow it now, we had built up an insurmountable lead. But I ran properly anyway, no room for complacency as I charged headlong down the hall, touched the wall and started my backwards run home. I was almost there before my rival ran past me only just starting his leg of the race when suddenly I saw it...there, in the captain of the opposite teams hands, dangling between his fingers, bing waggled enticingly in my direction, an irrestistable temptation...a little bag of sweets. My backwards run halted and I headed full speed back down to where he stood, a slight look of shock on his face that his not so subtle plan had worked as I grabbed the sweets from him, becoming slowly aware of the gales of laughter from the other watching parents and the look of shame on my Dad's face as I realised I had ruined the whole compeition for my entire team because of my inasatiable lust for sweets.

My team were furious, my instructor gave me a massive lecture on the need for discipline in Martial Arts (tell that to Brian Jacks banging the queue of 30 year old mummies among the black sacks and food waste, i say) and my Dad couldn't look the other parents in the eye.

I wouldn't mind, but all that had been in the bag, were Parma Violets. Parma Fucking Violets. Jesus, even I have some limits.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 8:51, 4 replies)

I used to know a girl called Ava Rice...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 15 Apr 2011, 8:49, Reply)

A few years ago
I was walking into telco via an underground car park to do my weekly shop. It was very quiet, few cars or people about. On the ground was a doughnut that had been dropped, a small pidgeon was happily pecking at it. As I was walking home I saw a very fat pidgeon pecking up the last few crumbs. I like to think it was the same one, greedily scoffing down the whole thing.
(Mong goose, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 8:21, 3 replies)

I asked my
boss for a pay rise, although being of the nervous type, I didn't do it in person, instead opting to leave a note on his desk saying, "Can I have a pay rise."

The next morning I arrived at work to see a note on my desk, replying, "No, you can't".

You'd think he'd be able to spell at his level wouldn't you?
(dchurch bah, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 7:50, 2 replies)

Then this time I asked my boss for a pay rise but he wouldn't give it me, the greedy cunt.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 7:18, 4 replies)

There was this time once where I bought a packet of sweets and didn't offer them round.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 7:17, 2 replies)

I once got fish and chips from my local chippy on a day that wasn't Friday.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 7:16, 3 replies)

I have a rip-roaring tale involving me eating a load of cake at a wedding
that I am more than willing to share in the thread if enough people click 'I like this!'

I, of course, will only post this rib-tickling tale once I have deciphered that this post has received at least a million clicks.
(El_diablo_blanco, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 4:54, Reply)

My mother...
...has started conducting experiments on me since I got back from my trip to Indonesia. Basically, with every meal, she calculates a rough ratio of what's on my plate against what's on my dad's plate (my dad being the next most voracious eater), and times how long it takes for me to finish (and compares that, as a ratio, against how long it takes him to finish).

So far we're up to 2:1 amount in 7:10 (my time being an estimated 4 minutes dead). She told me about this 3 days ago, and I don't care enough to skew her results. I disgust myself, and I wish my mum didn't make such good lasagne.
(a gun that fires other, smaller guns full of jizz, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 4:15, Reply)

I am a Traffic Warden.
:(

My old job was made redundant and I have not found anything to replace it yet.

The good parts are that I get paid to walk around the lovely parts of Cambridge and give directions to lost German Tourists.

The bad parts are that I cant play Rugby anymore and that Traffic Wardens dont go to Heaven.

:(
( The_Commander_of_Skips wears his sunglasses at night, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 3:05, 6 replies)

I used to have a bit of a weakness for hash browns...
A few years ago I went off to uni. First time I came home I found a bag in the freezer, cooked the entire bag, ate about 2/3rds of them, threw up, then immediately went back and finished them off.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 1:26, 9 replies)

my house mate overate, threw up so hard he burst a blood vessel in his throat and started bringing up blood
... he did this twice
(ladyintheradiator, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 0:22, 1 reply)

Kettle Chips
You know those really big bags (150g, I think) of Kettle Chips? Proper family size packs?

Yoinks ago in the midst of time, when you didn't see Kettle Chips too often, they were trying to launch the (then) new Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar flavour. So there was a deal at the 24 hour garage across the road from my house that you got a free pack of Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar with every pack you bought. They had 8 different other flavours, I bought one of each and received 8 free packs.

All sixteen bags were eaten, almost exclusively by me, within 16 hours. It felt like my tongue had been in a fight with a belt sander and lost.

100% true. Just say no, kids.
(rampants, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 23:39, 2 replies)

According to my mate's missus, I am so disgustingly amoral and greedy I may as well be the devil incarnate.
She believes this because I've worked in the killing room of a slaughterhouse (she's vegetarian and big on animal rights, but still quite happy to eat fish), on the production line at Fox's Biscuits (she's into self-sufficiency and regards mass-produced food as evil capitalist poison), and most recently in the labs of a health and beauty manufacturer (so naturally this means I routinely poison and mutilate cute little rabbits and puppies, even though I work in product formulation and the company doesn't carry out or commission any animal testing.)

Naturally, whenever we're in a social situation together I take the time to be particularly civil and polite to her as it winds her right up.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 22:26, 3 replies)

Tonight I bought a box of 12 Krispy Kreme donuts
There are now 5 left.

Blurgh...
( Sculpture of Man Putting a banging donk on it since, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 22:15, 3 replies)

I saw
a man in Las Vegas buy a large all-you-can-drink coca cola rather than a medium all-you-can-drink coca cola that was also on offer. Like Alan's big plate.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 22:08, 14 replies)

People like Deborah Meaden
just to pull a name out of a hat. That woman has more money than she will ever possibly need. She could retire tomorrow, start spending, and not be done til the day she dies.

What the fuck is the point? Surely, you work to improve the quality of your life. When you hit that magical goal, why carry on? Is it greed? Does she genuinely love running a massive business and all the stresses that go with it that obviously make her such a massive bitch to everyone?

Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick, and she does it so she can donate as much money as possible to charity.

Probably not.

*Edit* On a side note, I once ate 10 sausages.
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 21:55, 19 replies)

Not Greed Exactly; Or Gluttony; Or Hoarding
I know a woman who stuffs enormous plastic bags with cheese puffs, and then stuffs the bags under her bed. For trouble-free late night snacks, and just in case there's a shortage, I suppose. No room for demons or strange men, either on or under her bed....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 21:46, Reply)

ESSAY FOR PIE
I once did my mate's A-Level coursework in exchange for some of his tasty home-made pies. This is very true. And they were very tasty. I / he got a B+.

Smiles all round.
(BeardyMat, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 21:40, Reply)

Chocolate cake.
This is not my story, but it makes me smile because it involves dieting and chocolate cake. So there she is, a stay-at-home Mum on a diet. She knows that there is half a chocolate cake in the cake tin, she also knows that she shouldn't eat any of it. Eventually, the temptation becomes too much and she eats some of the cake, which tastes wonderful! However, there is now a big slice missing from the cake, so her family will know that she has broken her diet. In order to hide her guilt, she needs to produce half a chocolate cake. So what does she do? She eats the rest of the chocolate cake. Then she bakes a whole new chocolate cake and eats half of that too. I'm not sure that this counts as greedy, I think it's more like "creative eating" and a lot of guilt.
(Woofie, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 21:33, 3 replies)

I don't give a toss about your belief system if it doesn't interfere with me. Live how you wanna live. Worship pie for all I care. Creed, what a dumb QOTW topic.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 21:23, 6 replies)

Paltry prizes
I only ever buy a lottery ticket when Euromillions has rolled over at least 3 times and the prize fund is around 100 million.

Tomorrow's 25 million draw? Pah, chickenfeed.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 21:14, 2 replies)