hunger most fowl. (sorry)
As a skint student, left with the choice between beer and food one Friday night, I did the obvious thing and chose beer. It was a good choice until I got home, starving, having not been able to afford my favoured Abdul's Kebab (I was back in Manchester last summer, Abdul's is still going strong and still does the best kebab's in the country, I strongly recommended them) and went to the fridge to see what I could rustle up. There, in front of me, next to my kwik Save sausage roll and empty ketchup bottle that I was still rinsing with vinegar to get the last few drops from, was a huge, golden, succulent roast chicken, with what looked like it must have been just two or three slices having been already eaten. I reasoned that whichever of my flatmates has cooked it wouldn't miss one more slice and it was just too tempting for hungry, salivating me to pass up. I grabbed the knife from the draining board and set about cutting myself one thin, tasty slice. Only I hacked at it a bit and it was too obvious, so it needed tidying up, and anyway, I could just eat the extra bits. Whcih I did, but all I had managed to do was spark my hunger. So to hell with it, I thought, I can always just deny all knowldege, and anyway, he won't mind if I just nick a leg, surely? only, it wasn't just a leg in the end, and by the time I was done I was left with a slimey, picked clean plate of chicken skin and bone. Which for some reason, i decided to put back in the fridge. My plan of utter denial made sense in my drunken state and I toddled off to bed, satisfied and sleepy.

Faced with my flat mate the next morning, I denied everything, saying that we'd all been out separately the night before and it could have been anyone. And I may have gotten away with it, but as I went to unlock the door, I couldn't find my keys. Only to hear a jingling sound and turn round to my flatmate hanging them by his fingers and saying 'Looking for these? They were on the plate in the fridge'.

I'm a criminal mastermind, me.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:18, 3 replies)

I was on holiday in New Zealand
having long arms and standing on tip toe, I shoved my hand in this www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmWLPid-Pbc and got a 'chocolate' up to my elbow. Being winter it hardened nicely, I can assure you I ate it all.
(tichy, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I eat loads when I'm stoned
does that mean I'm greedy?
(tamthesearchengine, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 1:12, 6 replies)

speaking as a student
my favourite thing to do when i come to visit home is open the fridge door to behold the full shelves of food and LITERALLY stick my head inside to nestle with the soon-to-be-eaten cheeses.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 23:59, 2 replies)

One of my friends once defrosted a cheesecake, then he and his girlfriend ate a slice each.
Later that night, she went to bed, leaving him in the lounge.

After a while, he fancied some more cheesecake... then a bit more. Finally, he realised how much was gone and how much of a fat greedy bastard he'd look when his girlfriend woke up. What to do? Racking his brains, he came upon a plan so cunning you could call it a Blackadder joke...

He ate the rest of the cheesecake, got another one out of the freezer, carefully cut a couple of slices from it to replicate the ones he and his beloved had enjoyed earlier, ate them frozen and went to bed. Where presumably he lay awake all night sweating like a rapist and praying for his indigestion to end :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 23:48, 1 reply)

Post-gym-snack?
An entire box of Sainsbury's cooked chicken legs. Each one demanding its own separate trip from the sofa to the fridge, and each accompanied by the words 'fuck it, just one more'.

The gym is currently not working too well...
(Serotonicity was a naughty boy on..., Mon 18 Apr 2011, 23:30, 1 reply)

Speaking of post-coital munchies
After massive sex, once she was asleep, I crept downstairs and ordered myself a curry and a garlic naan bread from the local Indian takeaway. It arrived, I ate the lot, then I hid the evidence in the bottom of the bin, washed the plate and went back to bed.
However, she rumbled me the next day because apparently I was leaving quite an accurate aroma behind me.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 23:10, 8 replies)

Half a cake
Baked a cake yesterday for a family get together. Had a Chinese takeaway and half the cake. Can't waste food, can we?
(52486 office lolled on, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 22:51, 1 reply)

I'm currently
working my way through a 300g bag of chocolate mis-shapes from Netto. Not only am I greedy, I'm a tight cunt with it too.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 22:48, 5 replies)

Way back when
Well, about 17 years, 2 months and 4 days ago, probably about 1am, I had just had massive sex*. As Mrs SLVA fell into a troubled, unsatisfied sleep, I got the post-coital munchines so I crept downstairs and looked in the fridge. We had some eggs.
'Excellent' I thought, ' I'll make myself a fried egg sandwich.'. So I dug the pan out, made my sandwich, ate it and then pondered some more. I was still a bit peckish. So I did another. And then another. And so on. In the end, I had had 6 fried egg sandwiches. Even not counting the egg, that's a hell of a lot of bread.

There's an old saying. It's harder to get a camel into heaven, then it was for me to shit through the eye of a needle the following day.

*Massive as in 'twice in 7 mins'
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 22:39, 8 replies)

Gluttony
I used to order from my local pizza place a 16" meat feast pizza with a cheesy garlic pizza bread as a side, and a 1/2lb cheeseburger as a starter. A 1.5ltr bottle of coke would wash it down.

Nom.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 18 Apr 2011, 22:37, 16 replies)

I can't believe I ate the whole thing...
just finished a family sized tiramisu.

My family is away at the moment.

The way I look at it is - a small piece of tiramisu would cost twice as much in a restaurant and, anyway, how many calories can it have for £1.99?
(karnuvap, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 22:17, 2 replies)

www.b3ta.com/talk/7168576
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 20:15, 15 replies)

It started off with love...
Yesterday I had a rare feeling of romanticism. What better way to act on this than to cook the fella a nice curry and finish it off with some chocolate covered strawberries. I ate them all. A kilo of chocolate covered strawberries and to be honest I don't even feel a tiny bit of shame. Fucking lovely they were.
(Bababoon, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 19:00, 16 replies)

I've just eaten a fucking massive plate of chips...
...and a battered sausage. Oh, and a couple of slices of bread to make chip butties.

I definitely didn't need all that. Greedy bastard...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 18:38, 10 replies)

2 ends of the spectrum
I once worked for the purchasing team at head office for Boots and as a cleaner at Virgin Active Gym.
I left both after a week and didn't get paid.
( Terry_Tibbs Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 17:15, 2 replies)

Modelling!
Oh, the beautiful women, glamour, fast Hondas and Massive Drugs...

Well, it might be for a super-model. In the cheaper seats, its the shittiest job ever: cold, boring, tiring and the photographer ALWAYS forgets something. Men = atrociously groped or neglected prop.

As for the women? Oh yes, you'd kick quite a few of them out of bed. In fact, if you farted, some of the bony little things away would blow away like a punctured sex-doll; photoshop has a dark side, believe me.

Worst gig I ever did - clotheshorse for a nasty little kink site. Not much cash, but photographer was a bearable letch. Of course, he forgot the reflector, but we improvised with one of those all-over tan lilos propped up against a brick.

I was partnered with a squeeze of the site-owner: OK in her day but now thorough mutton, she'd got rat-assed the night before and her breath stank of vomit. Intimately handcuffed to a grumbling volcano of chunder, the day was not pleasant. We did some work outside: a disused railway bridge was disused right up until I was just in mesh trousers and goose-pimples, then we were falling over dog-walkers, misc. gawpers and some sort of Duke of Edinburgh troop. And vomit.

I gave it up after that; I was a big fish in a very, very small pond for a while, but it could never last - lucky genetics can only stretch so far. My niece does some of it now and again, and I have it from her that its even more brutal. You need incredible dedication these days; no way could I give up tea and chocolate for a diet of the occasional raisin and a bleach mouthwash.
(IChewCandlewax, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 17:02, 3 replies)

Shameful... but profitable.
I worked for a small company owned by a greedy bastard Asian bloke. He tried to pay me $30K (back in the early 90s), against a forecast profit of a couple of million for my blood sweat and tears.

His brother, the other director told him not to be a twunt and pay me $50K - an OK base pay back then for a sales director. My marriage was going sour and well, horny young fella that I was, rather liked the look of the greedy twunt's wife so kept checking her out and getting caught by her while doing it.

Long story short, I got called out to the factory by her one night as she was running our mechanised production solo that night. There was some half-arsed fault that could have been cleared in about thirty seconds if she could be bothered. However, she had ulterior motives.

I was bent over the machine's control cabinet fixing the fault and the next thing I know there are some lusciously long Asian fingers giving me a back-rub. I stood up, smiled awkwardly and was kissed by the softest and most luscious lips I had the fortune to sample for many a year before or after, popped a spectacular boner which she fondled in a most intriguing manner, followed by the soft words "Wanna go upstairs to the office?".

We went up to my mezzanine office where we snogged on and groped and explored one another's body, followed by the filthiest and most crotch-dampening non-orgasmic 69er my disenchanted emotions and under-exercised libido could have possibly imagined. Looking down and seeing my knob, balls deep in the boss' wife's mouth was utterly divine retribution for him being a cheap cunt.

Needless to say, our forbidden love carried on for a while. We went to hotels and fucked like wild animals. We fucked in my car, on my desk, on the accountant's desk, on the stairs, in the store room, in my house, in her house. That tight little body and those Bai Ling style nipples had me blowing loads like a BP oil well (albeit white). She was a greedy little cum-addict.

Next time I asked for a pay rise, I copped another $50K thanks to her recommendation that I was a 'hard' worker. Our illicit affair didn't continue for much longer actively, but we had some truly memorable spontaneous fucks all over the building and elsewhere for a good many years thereafter.

Me? Greedy? Hell yes! Emotional, sexual and financial gratification all from one under-serviced Chinese hottie? I seriously don't think work life gets any better.

Well, it certainly hasn't lately.
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 16:05, 50 replies)

In a bowl about 9" wide by 4" deep each

Me and a mate, after a thorough discussion, decided one night to make what we decided had to be the best dessert ever:

- Hobnob biscuit/butter base
- a Boost chocolate bar in the middle
- 2 Viennese Whirls on the left
- 1 large portion of Rasberry Ripple ice cream on the right
- Smothered generously in custard


I didn't go near anything sweet for a week after that.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 15:45, 1 reply)

Domino's Pizza
I once ordered their "Two for Tuesday" BOGOF deal - two large pepperoni pizzas for the price of one. I ate them both in one sitting.

I was shitting pepperoni slices for weeks.
(Sum Gai My dog is a racist lesbian, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 15:40, 15 replies)

Greed for front pagery
Clearly there are certain posters on here who have such an appetite for getting on the front page of the QOTW that they'll make up any old bollocks just to get on. And in some cases, throw their toys spectacularly out of the pram when it's pointed out that they've posted bollocks.

Seriously, if you've nothing to contribute, don't. You don't have to make up a story or tell a shit joke just to offer something.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 14:45, 20 replies)

I'm in trouble with the missus at the moment.
I remarked that joining the gym would be a waste of time because all she'd do is build up an appetite whilst there.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 13:43, 4 replies)

It started as envy
Fiends always had stuff that I couldn’t afford. Curse them for studying at school and getting good jobs. I didn’t have much of a grasp of English and was unemployed for a while so became a bit of a lag and started stealing stuff to try and compete. It became a bit of an obsession and I got more and more cocky, taking bigger and bigger things till I actually sent a video to the authorities taunting them. It was pretty obvious to them who it was as I didn’t disguise myself very well and I was on tape admitting to what I’d done. It was stupid. I’d have probably gotten away with it if I’d not said ‘All your base are belong to us’.
(TitanLX, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 13:25, 1 reply)

I saw one of these over the weekenb.

(sabre-tooth monkey, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 12:50, 7 replies)

GAMES
I am currently play WoW on the PC (on Twisting Nether server if anyone can be nerdy enough to have a look, 85 ally and horde), along with a few other things (Diablo 2, Puzzle Quest Galactica or whatever it's called, Crysis etc). I have a PS3 with about 10-15 games on it in the living room (and 2 currently in the post on their way to me). I have a PSP with about 2/300 games, emulators (PS1, GBA, SNES, Megadrive, NES, Master System, NeoGeo, CPS1 and 2), homebrew stuff etc. Upstairs there's an xbox with about 150 games plus another emu disk with just under 15000 roms on it.

And I'm currently pissed off because I can't get 1 fecking 1980s WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS rom to run on the PSP (due to lack of memory on the console). Like I haven't got enough shit to keep me busy until the year 2148.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 12:23, 18 replies)

Mushroom picker
For about a week.

Big long 'beds' of half shit, half compost, in a big dark dingy shed. Even as a schoolkid, the pay was atrocious. Can't remember what it was, but about the same as a paper round, which was the alternative.

I got fired for destroying one of the beds. You were supposed to pick the old stalks out by hand (took ages, and you didn't get paid for doing it), I just scraped the top 1" of soil into a bucket with my hand and chucked it in a dustbin.
(username failed moderation, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 10:58, 1 reply)

reading all the pub posts.....
and I remember my mate P, hes not all there bless him but hes a good lad and likes the odd beer. However not much grey matter + grey matter killer = even less bright than usual (actual math).

We were quaffing one college afternoon in the local when quarter a pint was offered around, someone was off home and didnt want to waste it. We all politely refused but were all sure P would happily take the freebee.

He was in the bogs taking a slash so the idea was put forward to tip a bit of vinegar in there, just for a chuckle. It was topped up to about a half, and it reeked. We got greedy though (see what I did there?) and chucked a few coppers in, then emptied the ash tray in for good measure.

A quick stir and hey presto! its a carling/copper/fag end/condiment half straight from satans own wang...

We were all arsing about like loons, marveling at the beer we had ruined and how he'd never drink it. P returned though and we offered the glass, barely stifling our chuckles and the fucker only guzzled it....!?

Now you couldnt get within a few feet of the glass without smelling the vinegar, the coppers were evident and even the gash flaoting about was clear to see.....so just why?!

:-O

*edit

we also did this at a wedding do, filling a pint with cheesy wiggles, cheese squares and breadsticks, he drank that too.... then drunked a breadstick in and munched it, grinning like a mental.

hes a great lad
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 9:41, 5 replies)

No one could accuse me of greed.
Not after yesterday when I finished the Marathon. It took me ages though, I mean, they've been called Snickers since 1990.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 8:39, 5 replies)

I had a job in Pizza Hut, that was the worst thing I ever did for money. And while I'm here I know some greedy people who are greedy with money and pie, but it doesn't matter.
(Paddy O'Dawes, Mon 18 Apr 2011, 0:11, 1 reply)

I also worked at Pizza Hut...
Seriously, I worked at a Pizza Hut for two years, and left most of my soul there.

The worst thing I did though, was worked at a print unit for one week. It was good pay and I was a typical broke student, how hard could it be? A typical morning consisted of laminating 5000 posters, or folding a few thousand booklets. By the end of that week, I had permanent ink stains on my hands, RSI in my back and arms, and fingers that looked like I had shoved my hands into a shredder...
(longpot Since the 80's, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 23:31, 4 replies)