volume
Using one of these syringes
tinyurl.com/356ndt
It's possible to measure the exact amount of ejaculate you produce by catching it in your hand and then drawing it into the chamber.
You can then use it next time you're waxing the dolphin to give yourself a facial if you're so inclined.
Or alternatively, give your partner a facial while they sleep.

The potential for a syringe full of warm, fresh man-lard knows no bounds. Squirt it into strangers' hair, distract them by saying "look over there!" and then emptying that syringe in their ear.
Squirt it into your soup in a posh restaurant and draw attention the small patch of cocksnot slowly sinking into your starter. I like nothing better than squirting my goo over passing cyclists. Much better than being done for exposure.
I feel the need for a website. syringefullofspunk.com
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 0:11, 2 replies)

/talk
Need I say more?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:35, 1 reply)

Before digital cameras
I used to do this when I lived in London 8 or so years ago before digital cameras became popular.
As you'll know when walking about popular tourist spots you inevitably get the request to take someones photo.
No problems, I do it every time.
My guilty pleasure, cutting off their heads or taking pictures completely off centre. Must have been so irritating for them to get back home and develope their photos and find their only photo of them outside big ben RUINED.
SORRY, a bit.
Man I miss those days
(astrosinmyeyes is hoping Manson is released before, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:17, 5 replies)

Can I stop now?
I used to work in a cafe and it was my job to make sure there was exactly quarter of a pint of water in the cups.

That was my gill-tea measure.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:16, 1 reply)

I pretend to be a girl, on the internet
to get lots of attention, pandering, and occasional cyber-sex from dozens - nay, hundreds - of sub-human singleton nerds.
( FUCK OFF, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:14, 3 replies)

Flicking Tourists
Wherever I am I am ALWAYS asked for direction. I guess wherever I go I look like I know where I am......
Anyway when asked for directions I usually say "Go to the next traffic lights and turn right." No matter where I am!!!
Tourists get on my tits, buy a map for goodness sakes.
On second thought I don't really feel guilty about this, I love it, it cracks me up.
(astrosinmyeyes is hoping Manson is released before, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:13, 1 reply)

Captain Blackbeard
used to go around stealing gold from other pirates. That was his guilty treasure.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:11, Reply)

Animal sex.

( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:08, Reply)

erm
I like telling ice-crem men that kids want a watch that tells the right time instead of advertising "Slow watch for children"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 23:02, Reply)

one for luck
I was in hospital having some stones removed. Not kidney stones, the other type. Anyway, I cried with relief when they were removed.

That was my gall-tear pleasure
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:59, Reply)

I could go on
I remember liking this film
www.imdb.com/title/tt0093091/
That was my Ghoulies 2 pleasure
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:57, Reply)

more
I enjoyed the strong winds recently, particularly when they ripped through a scrapyard.

That was my gale-tyre pleasure
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:55, Reply)

another
I like reading the public announcements on the East Riding council website. If they're doing any road resurfacing near Gilberdyke, I like to go watch.

That's my Goole-tar pleasure
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:53, Reply)

At night in bed under the duvet
I let my pinkie root around the outskirts of my chocolate starfish to collect anything I missed during my last sit-down.

I intentionally let the fingernail grow long for this job. When collected, I'll then scoop off with my thumbnail, make a ball between thumb and first finger, flick.....then wait for the sound of it landing somewhere in the dark.
Sometimes I leave it on my fingernail until morning when its gone hard then I prise it off and it crumbles. Powdered poo flakes! Isn't the human body amazing?

I also like to wake up in the night and place my bottom next to my missus' own sweet cheeks and fire off a guff of deafening proportions.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:52, Reply)

right ya bastaddz
Remember that David Mellor? He had some girl-toe pleasure.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:50, Reply)

Those signs...
Y'know, the ones which say "Watch batteries fitted." I have been known to stand for hours just watching and waiting...
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:40, Reply)

I will stuff
anything that fits into my ears.
(Whizzer, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:32, Reply)

i used to live
in a small seaside town on the west coast of Scotland and regularly my uncle would take me to the sea side to frolic away till my little heart was content.

I remember this like it was yesterday, my uncle wearing his favorite tie after returning from a job inter view took me down to construct castles of the sand variety when all of a sudden a whoppingly large seagull dived down and grabbed his tie and appeared to masterbate with it.

well thats what you could call 'gull-tie pleasures'!!

now where did i leave my coat?
(meh! bored since, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:31, Reply)

Simple.
Hotel Babylon

Lovejoy

Half Man Half Biscuit

Antiques Roadshow

'nuff said, innit.

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:24, 2 replies)

Rubber Fetish
This one time at band camp/the office at lunchtime there was always this one guy sitting waaaaaayyy across the room eating his sandwiches at his desk.
I used to make it my mission to flick rubber bands at him throughout his lunch hour. He never saw me due to the strategic placing of my monitor and various office sundries on my desk.
I used the up-and-across technique rather than the full-pelt smack as the rubber band would land sometimes, if I was particularly lucky, just *plop* softly atop his head. Most of the time he wouldn't even notice.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 22:19, Reply)

my friend
just bought me a hotel chocolat "rocky road to caramelo" easter egg. i've never seen anything like it. it is about an inch thick, covered in butterscotch and cookie pieces and stuffed full of caramel chocolates as well.

i am now hurrying home from the pub to watch "america's next top model" and attempt to nibble and suck my way through the first two inches. it doesn't get much guiltier or more pleasurable than this, frankly!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 21:52, 7 replies)

Joey Deacon
Sometimes whilst driving through my local Asboville (car double locked, windows firmly shut) I usually see a group of urban monkeys swinging from the nearest bus shelter. I like to slow down to a crawl as if I'm about to ask for help then proceed to make the best Joey Deacon face I can muster up before flooring the f***er out of there.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 21:39, 3 replies)

A few years ago
I had the misfortune of being involved on the periphery of a traffic accident. An artwork removals van had run into the back of a police car which had been shunted into a small hatchback which in turn had been pushed into a road bridge.

This series of shunts had caused a flat bed pickup coming the other way to spin, dumping its load of waste oil all over the road and starting an engine fire.

Now, engine fire plus waste oil on road equals high potential for very nasty blaze. The police from the car quickly moved everyone from the vehicles involved away from the scene with the exception of the driver of the hatchback who was trapped as the shunt had buckled the door frames, preventing him from getting out.

Things were looking very very bad indeed but the policeman closest to the car acted quick as a flash. He ran to the removal van and hauled open the back. He pulled out a painting ensconced within a sparkling golden frame.

Running over to the stricken hatchback he started to run the edge of the frame rapidly over the roof supports. Seeing what the first officer was doing the second member of the constabulary ran over to the van and grabbed a second portrait, "No!" shouted the first policeman "get one with the gold leaf on the frame!" So the second officer promptly dropped the portrait he was carrying and took a second and began to run the edge over the roof supports on the other side of the hatchback.

And then, while we stood and watched, what seemed like a miracle occured. The two policemen threw down their paintings and heaved at the roof of the hatchback. With a crack of glass, the roof came away from the body of the car.

The policemen heaved the stricken driver from his seat and dragged him clear, just seconds before the fumes from the oil ignited.

The now considerable crowd ran over to the policemen to offer what assistance we could, I took off my coat and used it to support the drivers head as he lay on the floor. In the distance we could hear the approaching sirens of the emergency services. A women standing near me was standing open mouthed in astonishment. "But, but, officer, how did you cut through the roof of the car using only the edge of a gold framed portrait?"

The policeman turned and shrugged, "It was nothing really" he said, as his gaze swept over the now blazing vehicles "We just used Gilt-y Police Saws."
( Bazongaloid, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 21:33, 2 replies)

Being generally annoying! =)
I love doing mildly irritating things, like carrying two different coloured pens. When someone wants one I say 'blue or black?'
Them, 'black please'
*gives them blue*

Gives me a strange sense of power! =D

I also find the sound a basketball makes when you get it through the net without it hitting the rim rather orgasmic!
(Cockney_Jesus is targetting your mum in V.A.T.S!, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 21:21, Reply)

Listening to
A Metal Band that don't actually exist, known as Dethklok. The thing is, the music is actually awesome.

I also regularly enjoy laughing at people who are utter idiots whenever I see them.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 21:00, 3 replies)

Sometimes, my mind runs a playlist list of the decade's crappy dance tracks
and I improvise my own dances to them - often involving lots of enthusiastic limb-flailing and wide-eyed open-mouthed grinning.

For health and safety purposes, I must point out that this doesn't go down too well if you do it on company time. Especially if you're supposed to be working on the shop floor.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 20:57, Reply)

Making up Insults for a Rainy Day
E.g.

Hmmmm, considering the fact that your mother has had many sexual partners over the years, and looking at the grey area surrounding your birthdate, it's a little hard to tell whether or not you are the off-spring of the little-known hobo called Alice or your one-time aunty now known as Bob.
(satellite blows, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 20:57, Reply)

I like to put on my Superman T-Shirt
Then put on another shirt over that.
Then put on the Superman Theme as loud as my stereo will go. Then strike a heroic pose and rip off the shirt to reveal my 'secret identity'.
I have destroyed at least 3 good shirts in this way.
(steadfastmeat Laconic ham, perhaps?, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 20:56, 1 reply)

If I wake up in the middle of the night
I'll thrash around a bit and make "naaagghh" noises. That way my girlfriend will wake up, think I'm having a bad dream, and snuggle me until I settle down.

I'm such a pathetic man :O)
( Matoosh would rather like a biscuit, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 20:53, 1 reply)

Under the Bridge
I prefer All Saints' version of Under the Bridge to the Chillis'.



Oh, fuck it. I feel no guilt about that. It's just better, damnit.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 20:22, 11 replies)