Noises
I live in a one bedroom flat on my own.

When I'm wandering from room to room for whatever reason or in the shower or kitchen I often sing little made up songs. Most are about fat girls.

Also burpswearing. Usually mild stuff, like muff, balls or bum. Large burps are not to be wasted, hence vaginashiner.
They're really loud, I hope my neighbours can't hear. Also I'm so used to it that inviting people round is risky.
(teebie jeebie, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:46, 6 replies)

Another one!
If I'm on public transport or in a cafe, and there's a baby in a pram nearby, I record the time it takes for me to make the child cry by pulling faces at it.

I award extra points to myself if it's near my stop, so I can get off the bus, leaving all the other passengers trapped with a screaming child.

I dislike children.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:44, 3 replies)

I like
moisturising my elbows.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:42, 3 replies)

trolley riding
surely I can't be the only old man who likes to push the supermarket trolleys 'round the aisles, then, when the required speed is reached hang on, with no feet on the ground, and just glide.
Weeeeeee!
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:39, 8 replies)

Not really sure if this qualifies as a guilty pleasure, but I enjoy it.
Let me start by saying that I have very little sense of smell most of the time. As a rule I can tell that there's some scent there, but usually I can't identify it. I really don't know why this is- it's just one of those things that I've had to learn to live with.

However, now and then my sense of smell kicks in and a scent will trigger very strong associations within me, usually resulting in nostalgia and longing.

Some that really do so:

-Scotch tape. It has to be that particular brand. The smell of the adhesive invariably makes me think of wrapping Christmas presents.

-lake water. A fairly clean lake will have a faint smell of fish and soil to it. Having grown up on the shore of a lake, it pulls me back instantly to summers spent swimming, playing around in the boat slip, or just sitting by the water at dawn with a cup of steaming coffee.

-the combination of the smell of spring and cigarette smoke. Years ago I smoked, and at the time did a variety of outdoor jobs. That was the time I loved cigarettes the most- standing in the cool breeze with the smells of things blooming, and a gentle hint of burning tobacco. Just now I stepped out to get my lunch and passed by someone who had just lit a cigarette, and I had the most horribly strong urge to go bum one from him...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:38, 5 replies)

The daily race
I have a short cycle onto campus every day. The guilty pleasure is that I secretly pretend that I'm racing all the cars that get slowed down by speedbumps. And I time myself, nothing better than arriving all red-faced and wheezing then spending twice the time you saved on the journey recovering from the effort!
(Kendal, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:29, 1 reply)

hmmmm
When I take a load of clean clothes out of the washing machine, if it's warm I like to hug it until it goes cold. I don't feel guilty though.

Also, I actually don't mind doing housework like washing up as generally a rare moment to myself, but I still enjoy bitching and moaning about doing it to my girlfriend at every available opportunity. I feel a little bit guilty about that.

I also enjoy treading on snails.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:28, 3 replies)

Motorway games
Sometimes when driving back from working in London, tanning it up the motorway at 3am gets very boring and I have to play a game to stop myself from falling asleep (as we're no longer even allowed to smoke in company vehicles!)

One of my favourites is 'Undercover Copper'. It works especially well if I'm driving the dark blue Ford Mondeo I sometimes use for work.

It works like this - cruise in the left-hand lane at about 60-70mph. Wait for a BMW, Merc, or similar to go flying up the offside. Then follow them.

When you get close enough to them, it helps if you raise your hand to your mouth and talk into it, as though you are calling to check details of his car.

Normally, when you follow them for a few miles, they slow down. At this point, continue to follow them, until you have them well and truly paranoid.

Then boot it and wave as you fly past them.

I know it's evil, but I just can't help it.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:21, 2 replies)

OK
This QOTW wasn't funny the first time round so why the fuck are you repeating it? Don't you read the suggestions page?

Face it, you mods are getting *really* lazy. (And I won't comment on the image challenge. Graphs. No, not a word from me. (But I have inside information that the next image challenge will be the number "1" and the fun you can have 'shopping it)).

Ooops - bit of a rant there.

So my guilty secret is that I think the finest love song *ever* recorded was by the buck-teethed, seething, right-wing fucktard Cilla Black.

Anyone Who Ever Had A Heart.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=26Yjfqh1YIc&feature=related

But that song, and the way she sings it, melts my blackened heart..


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:21, 8 replies)

My wife (bless her heart)
phones me every day at work. Just for a chat, you understand, which is nice and I usually look forward to it. But during the summer I often have to tell her not to phone me because for example I'll be out of the office visiting a supplier or on a training course or whatever. In reality however I've taken a short notice holiday and am away for the day mountain biking. Hey hey !

The thing is I can't tell her what I'm doing as she'd think (possibly correctly) that I'm being selfish and wasting holidays .... I've usually got none left come about September.

I do feel guity about lying to her but the pleasure of not being at work and doing something funner instead far outweighs my guilt.
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:20, 1 reply)

I have a few...
1) I like to have lots of backgroud noise. (fishtanks bubbling, plasma balls hissing, computer fans etc etc) because I hate being able to hear my tinitus.

2) I still enjoy going back and watching all the old south park episodes when there are no new ones out. And I have seen the movie so many times it is now a sing along.

3) I watched all 13 1 hour episodes of season 1 of torchood in 3 days. Then never bothered to watch season 2.

I could go on.
( The Flaming Ibanez Awww, c'mon, Japanese girls do it!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:11, 2 replies)

Something about driving...
...that makes me indulge my impulses sometimes.

This particular guilty pleasure was on the way around the A406 during on of the clearer moments. Decided to overtake someone, and moved into the fast lane, as protocol demands, only to have some arse in a BMW whizz right up behind me and start flashing his lights and looking annoyed.

This is, there was a car in front of me, so it's not like he was going to get anywhere...

So I moved aside, let him through, waited until he was now stuck behind this car, pulled back into the lane behind him and proceeded to flash my lights and look all annoyed.

I am a cock sometimes, but I don't half enjoy it.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:10, 5 replies)

Torchwood
I know it's Scooby Doo with sex in it and I know it's crap (the last one on BBC3 was REALLY crap)

but I love it, & I could stare into Gwen Cooper's eyes forever

EDIT as for the gap in her teeth ... phwooooorrrrrr

& @ teebie jeebie, sexy cow eyes ;o)

/there's lovely
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:07, 6 replies)

She's just a devil woman
I have one guilty pleasure, and I'm going to share it with you. Only one other person in the world, Mrs Smurf, knows this.

I'm an all out metaller. I no longer have the long hair, but instead shave my head (ok, I'm hiding the fact it's gone a bit thin on top). Every t-shirt I own is band t-shirt. I have several tats & piercings. A long leather coat. DM's. Faded blue jeans. I go to gigs regularly.

When people ask who my favourite bands are, I tell them Iron Maiden, Megadeth and Metallica, in that order.

If I were to tell them the truth, I would say Cliff Richard, Iron Maiden, Megadeth and Metallica, in that order.

I have every Cliff CD. I have a DVD of Cliff live in concert. My first ever gig was Cliff at Wembley almost 18 years ago at the age of 12.

My favourite songs are "Wired for Sound" and "We don't talk anymore".

We have a Cliff Richard calender in the kitchen (we tell visitors it was a joke present).

Cliff Richard, is my guilty pleasure.

*Edit: And let's not forget Heathcliffe: www.amazon.co.uk/Cliff-Richard-Heathcliff/dp/B00004CV5K
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:06, 10 replies)

Guilty, M'Lud...
I’ve got a couple, and no doubt more will surface during the course of this week.

I’ll bet that you lot didn’t know I was the World Champion of Walking, did you? Yep. Three years running (and currently gunning for my fourth (and record-breaking) title. In short, I’m the fucking bees-knees at walking.

Let me explain – I have a fairly long walk from my flat to the tube, and then again from Tottenham Court Road to my office. This is my ‘track’, and consists of various obstacles (such as road crossings, chuggers and London Lite distributors). Then, and only in my head you understand, I have a race. With full commentary. And analysis. I’ll pick someone to ‘race’ against, and if they beat me I’ll suddenly change the rules so that I won anyway. Sometimes I’ll get myself extra points by executing more complicated runs (like balancing on the kerb or not treading on the gaps between the paving slabs). It’s sad but it really makes the walk go quicker.

My other guilty pleasure – Devil In Tights, International Spy. This generally involves me identifying a ‘target’ and following them. If they’re not heading the same way as me, I’ll ‘hand them over’ to another ‘operative’ and continue on my mission. On the rare days I get home before my girlfriend, I’ll do a house clearance to make sure there’s no baddies there. Sometimes there are baddies, and I have to get them.

One day, I’ll get caught leaping around the house like some kind of retarded salmon, and have to explain my actions. I’m 27.

My excuse? Work is so excruciatingly boring, I need some imaginative escapism (and maybe I refuse to become an A-D-U-L-T)!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:05, 6 replies)

peeing off my balcony,
onto my underneath neighbour's windows.
Double points if he's left one open a bit ;)

Serves the bloody doley right.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:05, Reply)

bus rides
watching people try to get to their seats before the bus driver floors it...

haha
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 16:04, Reply)

I have, indirectly, licked my housemate's groin.
I know this because I just found one of his pubes, which he leaves in the bath, in my beard. I chewed on it before realising it's not one of mine.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:56, 6 replies)

I've never admitted this to anyone before
, so this is kind of like therapy, but free.

I sometimes have an uncontrollable urge to listen to really cheesy happy hardcore.

I don't mean oldskool happy hardcore either. I mean the early 00's stuff. Like that one that goes "I WANNA BE A HIPPY AND I WANNA GET HIGH!" And Scooter.

And I like Tiesto's Adiego for Strings. Even though Barber's version is better.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:53, 7 replies)

unattended cameras
Every time an unguarded camera is left in my vicinity I feel the need to take some form of absurd photo with it, for the person to discover when they download the pictures.
(442, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:44, 5 replies)

The shame
Last July I told my wife it was busy at work and I had to go in early. It wasn't.

I went and sat in the sunshine in the park for half an hour reading Harry Potter and smoking fags before getting to work at the normal time.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:44, 1 reply)

Casual racism, throwing farts, headers and TLGPs
I love to shout racist abuse at foreign referees during Champion's League games, from the comfort of my sofa, when no one else is around to hear me. I case they think I'm racist or anything. Which I'm not, really.

I throw my farts at my wife, then giggle like a schoolkid when she reacts.

Every bit of paper I throw out in work gets balled up and headered towards the bin. If it goes in, I do a "maradona on coke" style running celebration.

One my drive home, there is a set of lights where tow lanes go down to one within 50 yeards. I always try to be at the front when the lights are on red and then thrash away as soon as the lights change. I am yet to lose a Traffic Light Grand Prix.
(ScousersPet, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:39, Reply)

I'm the only person I know that's whacked off to Hollyoaks.
When nobody else is around I:

. Prank call my friends/elderly family members by either screaming down the phone like a demon or playing the crazy frog. It's addictive. The lowest and lamest point was when I was calling up strangers and blowing raspberries down the phone.

. Dance and sing "ding dong the twat is gone!!" regarding breaking up with my ex I pretended to be sad about longer than I was...

. Watch Hollyoaks and get rather turned on by it.

. Spy on people I fancy via myspace every 10 minutes like a grade A loon. If they get a flirty comment I literally scream at the computer threatening the person leaving comments...

. Talk to myself (and reply). If I don't I get depressed.

. Press my ear to the wall to see if I can overhear my neighbors having an affair or having an argument or something.

. Hide stuff in my sister's room so she thinks she's going mad.

. Update my perverted photobucket.

. Blast Aqua to annoy the neighbors.

I wish the house was empty now lol...
(trippeh, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:27, 17 replies)

I don't know if this counts...
But I enjoy it (a bit too much) and it makes me feel a bit guilty, so here goes.

At the moment, I'm sharing a house with two other guys at uni. Theyre both great mates and we all get along (most of the time).

But, by Shemak, they can annoy me sometimes.

Its just stupid things (as I'm sure we've all been through) alway playing music just as I'm trying to work or watch tv, never quite turning it low enough so I can hear it through the floor or bitching about fucking stupid things ("you used my butter! How could you! YOU CUNT!!) etc etc

(bear with me, Im getting to the guilty pleasure part)

Currently, they're bitching with each other over who borrowed whose nail cutters (no shit, they really are).

This has dragged on for most the term and only I know why...

It's because I've been buying new ones and scattering them round the house.

:-D hee heee
(big king bob Lord of the Ska, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:24, 1 reply)

Cheesy horror, those "chat" channels on Sky
Where to begin...

When the Mrs. is not around (or is out of the room) I'll very often switch channel to one of the BangBabes type channels on Sky. (Keep an eye out for Donna Duke on 907). Have never phoned them though. Even worse, I still think Cathy Barry looks pretty good even though she gets bigger everytime I see her

Also I really quite like some of the utter crap that passes for a film on Zone Horror... the bad effects and terrible acting all seem to add to the charm.
Sometimes I'll stay tuned just to see if the women in the film gets her kit off... a trend is developing

When on my PC at home, 95% of my time is spent looking for / downloading... well I think you can guess!!!
(Bad_Dogg, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:24, 2 replies)

Hours after having a nosebleed.
There's nothing more pleasurable than picking out dried blood ridden bogies.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:20, Reply)

pulling out ingrowing hairs
with a needle... just to see how long they are..

my longest is abuot an inch.... i was well proud of that....
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:19, 2 replies)

I sometimes do a little dance when my code compiles.
I could have answered that last week really.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:19, Reply)

rape
.
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:19, 2 replies)