God forgive me.
Long time reader blah blah…

Anyway, 4 years ago I took my then g/f to Paris to ask for her hand in marriage. Was going to do it after a very expensive meal and then walking down the river.
We had been together a few years and everything was perfect and couldn’t believe my luck.

In a cruel twist of fate her younger (and very hot) sister was in Paris at the same time on a girly weekend.

Long story short, the missus got very sick and had to spend the first 2 days we were there in bed. Missus suggested I hang out with her sis for a bit to save me getting bored. I think you can see where this is going…

So met the sis for a few drinks one afternoon, and before long I was hanging out of her sis in a way the g/f would never have thought.

I felt so guilty, and didn’t ask her to marry me. When we got back I carried on shagging the hot young (19) sister and broke up with her a few months later. She went to pieces and had a breakdown but never knew the reason I split up with her. I moved to Oz just over a year ago and last I heard she wasn’t doing too well.

I kept fucking the sis for 2 years.

Were both off to hull

Men are cnuts.

Length? they both loved it.
POP
(Lanceuppercut, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 0:17, Reply)

Handbag - Sickbag
Office party. Too much to drink as it was free.
Waiting for the meal to arrive (I think it was a Christmas do)...

Realise that lots of alcohol and no food (as yet) was not the best idea.

Must. Puke. Now.

*drops fork on floor*
"Oops, I dropped my fork"
Crawled under table to get fork.
Oh look, someone's rather large handbag is in front of me under the table...

Nobody appeared to have noticed anything, and I wasn't about to say "Excuse me, has anyone got a handbag full of sick?"
So, whoevers handbag it was... I'm sorry! ...unless you belonged to my ex-manager in which case I'm not sorry at all :)
( BUTT FART is currently addicted to Improbable Island, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 0:13, Reply)

My biggest secret is that I frequently dress up as a slutty young girl. And I'm pretty damn good at it.
I'd never give it up, because I enjoy it, as do the few others who I've shared this hobby with.
It's unlikely I'll get found out anytime soon, as when I'm not dressed I look more than a bit like an unemployed carpenter.

And given that I've already posted this in a previous QOTW it's not that secret anymore, but fuck it, eh?!
(FUCK OFF, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 0:06, Reply)

A bit of a to-do
My eldest son was having a bit of trouble from his ex-wife. You know the sort: convinces everyone butter wouldn't melt whilst shagging everything in trousers and sticking the knife in big style.

So anyway, while she was away on holiday I had her killed in a very convincing car accident.

Anyone want to buy a dented white Fiat Uno?
(The Queen, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 23:58, Reply)

I'm a bad man...
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 3 Sep 2007, 23:56, Reply)

Yeah powervator
You're just a cunt. That's not really in the spirit of this QOTW, rather what you did was the act of a cunt.

Nice one. And way to feel really bad about it as well, ya spoon...You'll buy him a drink when you see him? How bout you give him his fucking money back!

/rant
(kyouraku, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 23:51, Reply)

I sent an innocent man to prison
I used to be mid-managemnt in a shop a few years back. We always had trouble with shoplifters, but one was particularly nasty. when confronted, assuming he wasnt too wasted, he would always turn violent, spit at people and try to bite. Turns out he has hepatitus and was trying to infect us. Thats the kind of charming gent he was.
Previous to the following event, he shacked up with a slightly dim but very nice girl who also worked with us in an effort to get her to steal from the till for him. Within weeks he had her hooked on drugs, infected with god-knows what and we had been forced to fire her when her clumsy efforts at theft were discovered. He fucked her life up good and proper.
He came into the shop a few months later, rather stoned and making a poor effort at shoplifting. He was thrown out. He came back 30 mins later and was thrown out again. this continued hrought the morning till I came in to work for the afternoon shift. I confronted him and with one of the other staff who was a bit of a hard-case, we subdued the scumbag and took him to the office. It should be noted that he hadnt actually stolen anything at this point.
I pressed the panic button which summons immediate police assistance in the case of emergency. We had the guy tied to the desk with cable ties so my workmate asked wtf I had pressed the button for. While waiting for the police I explained my plan, which he was happy to go along with.
I got an old Stanley knife from the shops tool kit, wiped it clean and we pressed it into his hands, covering it with his finger prints. When the police turned up (tyres screeching, sirens blaring, rolling over the bonnet like a proper cop-show!) we told them we had repeatedly warned the guy off but he had returned with a knife and tried to stab us. The scumbag obviously denied this, but it was our word against his.
The police commented that although he was known scum, knives were very out of character for him, but reckoned he must have been desperate for his next fix.
Charges went ahead and a trial was set.

I stood up in court and lied.

We stuck to our story and there were plenty of corrobarative witnesses who had seem him being repeatedly thrown out during the morning. The knife had his prints on it. He was already on parole for shoplifting and had a string of previous offences.
He was sent to prison for 2 years.

Legally, what I did was very wrong. Morally? I think I was right. Do I feel guilty? yes, I feel guilty about lying in court.
(dave likes cheese, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 23:02, Reply)

well,
i had a wank on a bus once.


but it was empty and i was sat at the back.
(rollerdisco, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 22:50, Reply)

I just get blamed..
A friend of mine started a new job. The company used one PC, had no backups and, this being in the days of DOS, had nearly all their files in one folder.

Then, my friend, having read about this wonderful new command type "del *.*" while in the folder.

This is the bit where I come in. Despite the fact I had never been to the company, and, indeed, was working the other side of London at the time, he successfully managed to get them to blame me. So, I got a rude phone call (he gave my phone number as well) from a man I never met for something I didn't do.

My guilty secret? Another friend and myself set up a nice prank on my boss. We installed a VNC (open source multi platform remote desktop system) server on a Mac, ran the viewer full screen on my Boss's PC.

My Boss came back from lunch a little the worse for wear, and we sat there for about 20 minutes watching while he tried to work out what he had changed on the PC to bring up a desktop he didn't recognise..
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 22:37, Reply)

wow powervator
If that story's true (the XBox didn't come out till '02 so either that or the 8 years is wrong) then that makes you a heavyweight arsehole.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 21:14, Reply)

A limited secret, but a secret nonetheless
Our local pub runs a quiz on Sunday nights, with a prizes for first and second place, and best team name.

To stand a chance of winning, the team name has to be topical, and funny.

We don't go every week, but the last three quizzes me and my team have attended my team has won the team name compo due to my 'Pithy wit and brilliant sense of humour' (according to the quizmaster)

Ahem.

The team names were lifted straight from the sickipedia front page.

1) Glasgow bomber dies in hospital. Doctors describe his condition as 'Satisfactory'

2) Mary had a little cow, she named the beastie Ralph. But now it's on the bonfire, because of foot and mouth.

3) The difference between Victoria Beckham and Princess Di. Victoria's bloke can take corners. (This was pronounced 'Good but harsh')

In my defence, the prize is a crap bottle of wine, but it's fine for cooking.

I just hope there's a good one up for this week. My thanks to the excellent jokesters of the sickipedia for helping me maintain my appearance of jocularity.

I have *much* bigger secrets than this, but thus they shall have to remain, as they're not just *my* secrets.
( moogthedog, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 21:07, Reply)

rachelswipe
i too like to read rachelswipes stories, i infact go as far as to just read all her posts off her profile to have a good old catch up. she had a stonking week on either 'council cunts' or 'family holidays' i forget which but i believe i told you so rach, its kind of like when u talk to someone on the phone at work that you've never met and think "hmmm they sound attractive" come on rachel, post a profile pic

btw: no im not obsessed ! i have wife and child on the way, just appreciate a good entertainer
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 21:01, Reply)

this except i'm not guilty
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 20:57, Reply)

Catharsis
I have always felt bad about what i did in uni 5 years ago.

I was out on a Fresher's week bender with all my new pals. It was brilliant. I think it was about the 5th night in a row i was out getting drunk. Top stuff.

In a pub drinking away, when suddenly I spy a wallet. Had a look inside when i went to the toilet, not a bean inside. But there was a fresh new switch card with its PIN on its funny paper in with it. Marvellous.

I nipped out to the cash machine. Didn't even check the balance and took out 500 quid. No guilt at all. Probably a rich tosser!

Back to the pub. I didn't even touch the 500 quid that was padding my wallet out. The night went on, and everyone went to a club at closing time. Not me. On the way home i popped the campus cash machine and took out another 500 quid just after midnight. Still no guilt. Chucked the wallet in the river next to the halls of rez next to mine.

Morning came and all my mates were at breakfast and my mate matt was complaining that he lost his wallet and that he had to cancel his cards etc and what a drag. He seemed rather blase about it actually. This did plant a kernel of guilt in my mind though i must admit.

Anyway, I bought an xbox and (another) laptop and he had to get a part time job. He kind of fell out of our crowd cos he always had to work in the evenings to get the money for his books and food and stuff. Towards the end of the year when he finally was in the black on his balance, he sadly failed his exams, and had to repeat them. Then the year because he failed the repeats.

Never really heard from again after that. Anyway, sorry Matt. I will buy you a drink if i see you.

(edited for me being an xbox memory spazz)
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 20:55, Reply)

Computing moment
I may now be a highly-paid IT specialist, but in my final year at university I knew SFA about computers. In an effort to delete some recent, and already handed-in, work from the departmental LAN and prevent any other git plagiarising it, and only remembering a smattering of BBC Basic, I tried various permutations of "delete", "del.", "del*" on the root folder, before eventually finding a command that wasn't rejected.

del *.*

The computer administrator was a hopeless bugger and I just *know* he never took any backups. To anyone reading chemical engineering at Birmingham University from approximately 1987-1992, I apologise.
(rogerzilla, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 20:54, Reply)

Love thy family
We were having a family holiday at my sister's house, her house was always chaos and at best, a bit of a tip.

Me and my mum took over the kitchen for the duration and tried to clean and tidy up. During this time, we were making a lovely Sunday dinner, roast chicken and all the trimmings from about 12 people. I was tasked with making the mashed potatoes, and as a special treat, I decided to put some butter in them. As I stirred the potatoes round, I commented on what a pretty "cat" motif was on the strange looking spoon I'd picked up from the draining board.

The table was set, everyone was sitting down and tucking in like fucking vultures while me and mum ran back and forth from the kitchen to table like a pair of skivvies.

It was then my mum picked up my new favourate spoon and said "your sister is a fucking clat, I told her not to leave that spoon there after feeding the cat". We both looked at each other and knew exactly what had happened.

We never said a word, and never had any "special" mashed potatoes...and grinned a little as we cleared up after them all. Lazy bastards.

(Would it come as a surprise that I work in IT, we don't do guilt coz we are born evil bastards)
(bazboy69 making it up as he goes along, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 20:07, Reply)

Guilt...
I was very enthusiastic at one time and I'd just gotten my first sys admin job. Call centre, 600 workstations, bout 15 servers, big deal to a 21 year old.

Anyways, there was 2 of us (me being the junior). On a Friday night (my week not on-call). I was mucking about with a script to rollout new apps / updates / patches / etc (NT4 domain - no active directory here) to all the PCs. It was about 10pm (told you I was once enthusiastic - oh, and had no girlfriend).

I made a few amends to this script anyways, decided it looked pretty good, decided to run it.

It starts going, I'm thinking "godamn, this deserves another beer - look at it go! Am genius!"

5 mins later my colleague (the senior sys admin) phones my work mobile. I answer "I'm not on call mate..."

"yeah, I know. Sorry. You haven't got any scripts or apps running tonight, do you?"

*oh god...*

"No, why? What's happening?"

"Oh, it's just that the site is having rolling brown-outs..."

"No, am at home having a beer mate, lemme know how it goes though, incase it's still happening on Monday morning."

"Will do mate. Have a good night."

*INSERT-SCRAMBLING-FOR-LAPTOP*

omgomomgomgomgomgomomg...

"300 workstations completed."
"301 workstations completed."
"302 work-ESCAPE ESCAPE ESCAPE YOU BASTARD!"

Log of this incident? Who possibly knows...

Felt awful afterwards though...not quite so much now as I've left the shitty company.

:-D
(allywilson, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:56, Reply)

Re: Teran
Me too!!!!11seventyeleven!!!!wqdwknsxsqwm c *click*
( shadyron, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:51, Reply)

Save your own skin ...
About 10 years ago, I was working as a systems admin for a council in North Wales, there were 3 of us, myself, an older guy( lets call him "Bob"), who'd been doing hte job for donkeys years, and Sally, a bright girl, dedicated and hard working, but being a single mum, she oftne had trouble with child care arrangements.

Sally had only been there a year or so, I'd been there 6 months, and it was pretty obvious that Bob didn't really like her having to change her work hours around to look after her kid. she thoughtthe world of her kid and did everyting she could to make sure the kid was looked after and had a decent chance in life.

Jobs in North Wales (especially good jobs) are hard to come by, and sally was determined no to lose this one, it was probably the best job she'd ever had.

Everything was going fine, and to be fair, we had to do little if any out of hours work, but every now and then, it just had to be done. Sally could never find child care, so always tried to get out of it if possible.

So, at the end of every month, we always had to run a couple of jobs manually. The problem was a rather crap payroll system written in COPBOL, that had 99% of its stuff available as command line scripts .. however a few areas remained that simply neeeded a variety of clicking on screens and generally doing manually. Nothing too difficult, but since it was all connected to the end of month procedures, and the monthly payroll run, it was fairly importnant. It always got left to us, because the beancounter couldn't be bothered to come in and run it just after midnight on the last day of the month.

So, eventually, it came round to being Sally's turn .. Bob usually did it, I'd never done it, and well, Bob was determined to have the evening off. Sally tried to wiggle out of it, or even find a baby sitter, to no avail. Eventually, she tried her last hope. Would I do it? Bob of course was adamant. He didn't want ME to do it, he wanted SALLY to do it. Period.

So, she suggested a plan, I would do it, using her access card, her password and run the job, Bob would never know. I wasn't sure, you know, sharing your access card or telling anyone your password as a sys admin, well, its the Number One Rule, you just NEVER do it .. but, well, I sort of felt sorry for her.

So, the end of the month fell on a Saturday. I didn;t need to be there until 11pm on Friday night, so I spent a few hours in the pub, with a quiet pint. Well, it was a bit noisy actually, met a few mates, might have had more than one pint too. Actually, its just possible I was completely rat arsed by the time 11pm arrived. I staggered out and made my way over the road to the offices, let myself in, sat down and tried to accomplish the task. I knew exactly what to do, I logged in and err, well, I *thought* I knew exactly what to do anyway .. I honestly have no real clue what I did. Things went very badly wrong, infact, things went so badly worng, I gave up and went home.

To cut a long story short, no one got paid that month, or at least not until a week later and even then it was a temporary payment based on the previous month. Took the rest of the month to sort it out.

Sally of course was blamed. It was pretty tense between us, and I had a few angry phone calls from her at home, plus a few tearful ones .. but she was in deep trouble. She did eventually get in so much bother from it she told them it was me that had done it ... and sure enough I was called into the office.

There was Bob, there was Bob's boss, there was Sally. What to do?

"What an outrageous lie, I was in the pub with my mates!"

I know, I know ... but save your own skin is always the best advice.

Sally was sacked, and when I last heard from her a year later was still on the dole, she'd gone down hill a bit, got in with the wrong crowd and her kid got taken into care .. lifes tough huh?

I do still feel bad about it, but hell, it was a great job .. you don't want to lose a job like that! :)
(flipper is going to die in a bizarre gardenning accident, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:49, Reply)

A secret to be told no one!
I'm worried that if my friends sopt this, then they will all think i'm sick and wrong, so I really don't know why i'm telling you.
Anyway,
After having a good fap, there is a bit of mess (especially around the hands) and as we know, sticky hands are awful. So i look around for something to wipe my hands on, and see my cat, sleeping softly.
So I do the sane, and utterly lazy thing: instead of getting up and finding proper towles, I wipe myself on my cat.

The worst part is that he starts cleaning himself, then spazzes out with the funny taste.
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:43, Reply)

Sorry, Fluffy...
After reading Synthesiser Patel's story...I remembered this tale of woe...

At the prime age of 7, I was given a fluffy albino hamster. His name, it be Fluffy.

Fluffy was a good natured hamster. Didn't bite, didn't runaway, didn't shit everyplace if let out. Was practically Jesus in hamster form.

I also received boom-bats. If you're unaware as to what these were they were tennis rackets / oversized table tennis rackets. Instead of a wirey-like mesh, they had a stretched plastic sheet. Whenver you hit a ball with them it made a satifying "BOOM!" noise. Hence the name...

Myself and my partner in crime were in my bedroom one day and were playing with them. We notice the hamster and decided to drop him from a few centimetres onto the boom-bat. "Boom!" Satisfying.

Dropped him from a foot. "Booom!"

Played boom-bat with a rat. "BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! ...Thump..."

Strangely, unlike most Hamsters who go through a traumatic experience (Giro not in, balloon pops, microwave dings, etc) he didn't have a heartattack. "Brava!" I hear you cry.

No, unfortunately, Fluffy escaped one day. He went down a hole in the bedroom. Travelled about 200 yards to the local primary school, ended up in the headmasters house, whereupon his deaf wife (kid you not, funniest speech patterns ever) phoned (you read that right) us to ask in a very loud, squeeling, unpronounciated voice "HAVE YOU LOST A PATCHY WHITE RAT?!"

Why, yes, we had.

Fluffy was returned to us within a few minutes - minus a lot of his fluff. Literally had bald patches all over him.

This got steadily worse until he died.

I'm sorry, Fluffy. I truly am. :-(
(allywilson, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:39, Reply)

Petty maths
I hid my best friend's maths book when I was 9 "so he wouldn't get ahead of me".

What a shit I was.

I don't seem to have learned though as I'm moving out of my flat in a couple of months and I haven't told my flatmate. Still that will teach him to move a fucking whore in when I told him not to.

Actually, I think this one is reasonably justified.
(Sathington Willoughby, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:29, Reply)

The tragic loss of our wonderful princess lady Diana
I have to say that I didn't give a fuck about her dying, then or now. I was onlt shocked and saddened that all the telly and radio broadcasts went to shit. I was stuck doing a shitty job (no day off for me!) with only a radio for comfort and even that played nothing but sad old fucktard songs all bastard day.
Should've let them take fucking pictures of her shouldn't she!

I thought all those people crying outside her palacial gaff were a right bunch of tossers. They'd never even met the bitch!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 19:04, Reply)

I'm a bad friend (but they don't know that)
About 2 years ago, one of my good friends at the time decided to have a little gathering at his house as his parents were away for the weekend.
The usual shenanigans occured, got drunk, smoked, played music too loud, etc. In the early hours of the morning, I went upstairs for a piss, holding my member with one hand and my pint glass in the other.
I was struggling to stand by this point as the alcohol began to take control of my body - then my mobile phone rang, which was in my pocket. As I attempted to answer it, my pint glass fell from my hand and into the toilet, smashing as it hit the bottom. Being drunk, I decided to 'push' it from view with the toilet brush, and I left it at that.
The next morning, said mate went for a hefty hangover shit, flushed the chain, and the toilet water started rising.
It carried on rising, then spilt out onto the bathroom floor causing a fair bit of damage.
I never owned up to this and my mate got a lot of grief from his parents.


When I was 13, I stole all of another friends swopsies (about 200!), so I could complete my Panini Premier League sticker album. He thought he had them stolen at school.

I pulled a girl that a good friend fancied by telling her he was boring, and that she'd be better off with me. He still has no knowledge of the fact we met up a few times. I didn't even like her that much.

I smashed another friends expensive chandelier playing indoor cricket with a satsuma. I hid the fruit and got away with it. I aways got the same friend to go into his garden and set fire to things so I could steal numerous bags of Monster Munch from the kitchen cupboards.

I feel a bit better now.


(I also think Rachelswipe is attractive - just from reading her posts)

EDIT - Seems I'm not the only one....
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 18:48, Reply)

Not me, thankfully
... but a friend of mine, we'll call him Bob .
Bob was comforting a friend of his who had caught his fiancé cheating on him, so they were getting drunk and talking things over.
Friend asked Bob what he would do in his situation. Without thinking about it, Bob said "I'd kill her".

The guy did.

Kill her.

With a hammer.

I'm pretty sure Bob feels bad about that one.
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 18:30, Reply)

I scared another one...
I got seriously hammered one night in a small countryside town with some mates. We staggered back to one mate's car at the end of the night to find a couple of kids sitting on the bonnet and generally being arseholes.

I small skirmish ensued, during which I administered a few slaps to one little scrote and pinned him to a wall by the scruff of his neck while whispering in his ear.

When we drove off, one of the lads asked me why the kid had turned white as a sheet and ran at cheetah-pace when I let him go. Apparently the threat of being bum-raped by an 18-stone gentleman is rather daunting to even the most irksome of teenage chavs.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 18:12, Reply)

charlie1105
Nice one.

Oh, wait...

www.snopes.com/racial/crime/toothbrush.asp
(snopesthetruth, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 18:05, Reply)

My Guilty Secret is...
.
That I'm not Gay - but my boyfriend is....


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 18:02, Reply)