Partridge
Not so much guilty as I'm quite proud of it but still slightly embarrassing.

Steve Coogan was doing a book signing in Bristol and a friend and I went to see him as we were big Partridge fans. So much so that we took along a 'hilarious' picture of my friend sat on the lap of a 'mock up' Alan sitting in an armchair in our living room. We had a 'cut out and keep' Alan Partridge mask as the head and we had recreated his body in 'Guy Fawkes' style, it was quite convincing.

Unfortunatly when my friend handed the photo over to Steve to sign his face went white and all he could say was something along the lines of 'that is very disturbing'. He signed the photo 'you sick, sick people' or words to that effect.

And that was the end of that, until we sat down to watch the episode in the next series of the show, where Alan gets stalked by a mad fan.....who has a entire room dedicated to Alan.....with an armchair in the middle.....with a mock up 'Alan' very much like the one we had produced, in fact exactly like it...

As I said slightly proud, but also mildly ashamed to be tarred with the mad stalking fan brush.
(barrington, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 11:28, Reply)

Boredom
Waheyyy ive finally posted, after months of lurking in the shadows I decided to register =D.

Ok guilty secrets...

I had sex in a mates bed while he was downstairs watching tv, the excuse I used for me and my missus being upstairs was "I was running her a bath and I took so long because the water had to be just right" She even aided my explaination by having wet her hair a bit and wrapping a towel around (as you females do).

Erm, I regularly fart in public places, trying my hardest to make them as smelly and quiet as I can so as to avoid detection... in shops near a cashiers desk is fun, my favourite however has to be just inside the entrance to the police station so everyone going in and out had to walk through my mini-gas chamber.

I have more and will post them when I can be bothered =)

Click I like this cos.. well i've never posted before =D
(urbanbushmonkey, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 11:18, Reply)

I'm a Leeds supporter
( Signify, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Yes, it's a (double) repost
but this should also do for this week's question.

Apologies for laziness and lack of imagination.

But not for length, as it was pretty healthy!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 11:11, Reply)

all i wanted to do was go to a footy game
not really a guilty secret, because and i'll be honest i dont feel guilty just overawed at what id done

a few years ago i made a flag for my mate whom i was attending a cup final in cardiff with.... we carried this thing with us all day and had our photos taken with it by various people and then at the end of the game we chucked it on the pitch.. when two of our players picked it up and held it aloft..... imagine the outrage at two swansea footballers hold up a welsh flag with the legend F**K OFF CARDIFF written on it in quite large letters (for those not in the know, swansea and cardiff are two cities in wales who have quite a dislike of each other).... upon finding the next day of the scandal we had created my mate entered what can only be called a fit of paranoia and proceded to dispose of all evidence of us ever having been there and also dispose of his stash..

even now we cant admit to it when people talk about it 'cause in all honesty who'd belive us?



news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/4871238.stm

and thats my virginity lost at last :-)
(fluffyfangs drinks, smokes and hangs round with strange women, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Ooops.....
As most of these tales start with the consumption of falling down juice, I would like to offer a small incidents that happened to me whilst a bit shitfaced.

I had been out with a few friends to the local meat market (you know the place that's in every big city that's populated by Pissed hen parties and even more pissed ozzies) and had on this occasion managed to cop hold of a above average girlie.... Yay Me!

So, after a few (lot) more beers she asks if I would like to retire to her's for a bit more privacy....result.

So we pitch up at her's in a very nice part of London and within seconds of getting through the door were at it like people possessed. And im please to say that due to the amount of beer consumed through the night I was a stallion!

Anyways some while after we are laying in bed and suddenly I get the dreaded stomach cramps, im needing the toilet and quick, so without waking her I stumble about the flat until I find the toilet, then crash about looking for the light switch, I finally find it and only just in time as I erupted on the can (think dumb and dumber). Then to my horror I find that there is no toilet paper, so I look round the bathroom and locate some moisturizing towlettes and use them.....then without looking flush the toilet. It is at that moment that I realised that the there had infact been toilet paper and in my fumbling to find the light switch had knocked it into the toilet. I Could only now watch in horror as the shitty water rose in the toilet and started to flood out on the floor! So I did what every self respecting gentleman would do.....crept back into the bedroom and got dressed scarpered while she was still asleep.

I often wonder what happened when she woke up, and sometimes I fear that I will bump to her and ill get a well deserved glass in my face.

And yes I do feel guilty about it, but on the up side I found the benefits of moisturizing your bum!

"No length or girth jokes were using during the telling of this story!" - well until now.
( caffeinefreak, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:46, Reply)

I had a shit in someones Pillow case
also

Had a piss in the back of a taxi, while talking to driver over his shoulder. Funny thing watching another man sniff your piss.

and i watched another man have a wank over a cat, out of the corner of my eye mind, so it could have been a dog
( two_hats_shakir is going break dancing after his tea, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:45, Reply)

I'm Going To Regret This
So someone wants to know what I look like then?



And that's a knotted hanky on my head. My guilty secret - I look like a mong when on holiday. Don't know what comes over me.

Oh - and I've seen photos of Ms Swipe.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:29, Reply)

Parental hypocrisy
@Ramsay Tupper -- yeah my kids are definitely getting the edited highlights of my young life...I didn't do anything really antisocial, but plenty of things that I'd be hopping mad to find out they'd been doing the same.

I'm sure they'll come up with plenty of their own irresponsible japes, of course.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:28, Reply)

Vegetarians: Face facts. We're supposed to eat meat.
My best mate's ex wife was a raging vegetarian and hung around with similar pale-faced types who thought there was nothing better to do at BBQ's than discuss the plight of the tasty 4 legged bastards who are on this planet for one sole reason: Food.

One year we took pity on these poor unfortunates who were clearly deluded in their vegginess and secretly wrung out some particularly fatty (but tasty nevertheless) value burgers all over the veggie ones. After a few burgers were milked over the quorn offerings they were thoroughly coated in a greasy fatty layer.

We then sat within earshot wriggling our toes in glee as they sat around discussing how thoroughly tasty this particular brand of veggie burger was.

As I think Vegetarians are ridiculous I guess this isn't a particularly guilty secret but hey It gave me a chance to let people know my beliefs.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:24, Reply)

Rachelswipe
I've seen her. She's everything you'd hope.

My guilty secret: I sometimes click "I like this" for Apeloverage's posts.
(frankspencer, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:22, Reply)

More gun stuff
While I'm on the subject of guns. There was little to match the fun of watching horses or cows diving around fields in extreme (not to mention wholly unexpected and unexplained) pain, having been shot at reasonably close quarters by a gang of thugs with slug guns.

I also remember shooting a bull in the balls once from about 75 yards. I was congratulated on my marksmanship.

Although these memories aren't exactly secrets in that there were plenty witnesses, I have contrary to expectation, ended up a law abiding and responsible member of society. Accordingly I would be HORRIFIED to think of my lad doing similar. So when he asks me to tell him about when I was young it's definitely the watered down version he gets.
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:21, Reply)

Firearms indiscretion
Back in the late 70s most kids round my neck of the woods had airguns and weren't afraid to use them. Mine was a .22 pump action Daisy.

One day we were out with the guns walking along the railway track (as you do) and we devised another one of our fun pursuits. We would walk along the rail and whoever fell off first would be shot in the back with the Daisy with five pumps of air in it. There was a kid with us whose lack of popularity was matched only by his lack of balance. (Let's call him Phil ... for such was his name). The upshot was we got bored shooting him in the back with only five pumps and gradually increased it to upwards of 15.

He ended up bleeding like a fucking sheep and that was through like a vest, a tee shirt, a jersey and a jacket.

How we laughed !
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 10:04, Reply)

Oh the shame...
I was born in Birmingham. :(
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 9:01, Reply)

Re: Moving out without telling the flatmates



I did that in my last share.

The other two were way younger than me and determined to carry on their teenage antics well into their late twenties.

I bought an old run down house and, with the help of my family, did it up bit by bit. I never once let on to my flatmates what was going on and this went on for nearly a year.

I mean nearly a year as, when it came to sign a new lease, I dropped the bombshell that I was off to a little palace all of my own. The lease was in my name and all the utilities were too. So, with only a few weeks to get a new flatmate and in imminent danger of no electricity or gas with Winter coming on, they had to move out too.

That was nearly three years ago and we haven't spoken since.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 8:36, Reply)

Sister-in-laws
Sister-in-law was staying at my house due to fight with hubby. I came in from work at about 2 am to find her on the couch apparently fast asleep. I went to get a drink before going to bed then just got some shorts out of the washing basket to sleep in. Went back through the lounge room only to see sis-in-law, nighty around neck masturbating furiously. I had an instant physical reaction to this sight and started wanking because I thought she didn't realise I was there. After a few minutes we made eye contact but neither of us stopped until the obvious conclusion.
The next morning I thought I was going to get strips torn off me by her sister (my missus)but she was her usual self.
Neither of us have ever mentioned the incident since and that was 23 years ago.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 8:31, Reply)

E-mail is not secret
It really isn't.

Especially if you keep ringing my office phone, mobile phone and server room phone just to have a whinge about how your computer is slightly slower than normal and how important you are that I absolutely must drop everything I'm doing and come and hold your hand. (Quick tip for those playing along at home: If you job title has the word 'trainee' in it, please don't try to pull rank and boast about self-importance. It will either amuse or anger, and neither reaction will get you the outcome you seek.)

If you are being particularly odious, you may also find out that your Myspace isn't particularly secret either. You (and your online friends) may also be enlighted as to what you would look like with a CDC on your left cheek.

Welcome to anti-social networking.
(Chewy Walrus says: It's slobberin' time!, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 7:36, Reply)

Im A Secret
R Whites Lemonade Drinker.


I've been trying to give it up but it's been one of those nights.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 7:28, Reply)

Every time I scroll through the phone number list on my mobile
I see the name of one of my freinds (that died of cancer a feww weeks ago) and say to myself "Wont be needing that one any more!"
Makes me smile every time.
I must be a cunt.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 7:28, Reply)

Physics class
god knows why but that time of day, without fail, without warning, and without consideration of weather or not I had to then do a problem on the board, horny as fuck.
one day during a particularly boring class on projectile motion, I did a little projectile motioning of my own in the lavatory.
/shrugg/
I passed

Oooh I remember a few others now

Back when I was an annoying little cunt of a kid, my parents both worked on Friday, so I was off to daycare with this miserable old woman, Thats right Mrs. Maureen! no! more than one one peanut butter and Ritz cracker sandwich will not spoil my dinner! ... Anyway, She had this incredibly spoiled little brat of a kid, the kind that you really were just itching to slap upside the head, may have done that too come to think of it. but anyway, what I've always felt kind of guilty about is this, they were all out in the backyard, and I was sitting alone on the sofa doing nothing, being bored and technically minded, I managed to find my over to the answering machine, playing around for a bit, I discovered that I could leave my own messages. Long story short, I left a threatening message on their machine essentially saying that she was a brat, and that the mysterious caller would get them for it. Thinking I could be persecuted to the full extent of the law, and not knowing how to delete the message, I played up that it was a prank call, she never really bought it though. Girl was a bitch and a spoiled one at that, but I still feel guilty about threatening her, so much so that I don't think I've ever really told anyone.

Length? concerning the first confession you mean? ~zip~
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 7:16, Reply)

Silver paint
One time in primary school, as an act of pre-teen madness and rebellion I wrote the word FUCK on the bathroom wall in silver paint.

I wasn't a bad boy, I was (and am) quite weedy really. I needed to express something or other, I guess.

All of the boys (obviously, as it was in the boy's bathroom and girls wouldn't go in there because it was icky) were kept in for several playtimes until the culprit confessed but I never admitted to my crime.

Eventually they dropped it and I got away with it.

It ate at me for years. Why did I do such a terrible thing, and allow others to be punished instead of admitting it? I carried the burden of the secret for some time.

Then I told a former classmate some time after and they said they'd forgotten all about it.
(conby whinemoansleep, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 3:30, Reply)

Seeing other b3tans
Personally I'm more interested in what Legless looks like. I'm imagining some sort of homeless yet swarthy man.

I am not gay, just in denial :(
(conby whinemoansleep, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 3:02, Reply)

Oh the hypocrisy.
I'm a member of Amnesty International and the Labour Party.

But I fucking hate muslims.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 2:55, Reply)

Guilty secrets?
Wanked on the school bus almost every day for a winter. I was the last stop and I was a randy bugger.
(armednuclearterrorist, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 2:45, Reply)

guilty secrets
I made some blokes fly into a building once then went and had a kebab after
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 2:19, Reply)

Is it just me ??
All these messages saying "oh, I like rachelswipes posts so much" .. I mean c'mon will ya, they aint THAT good, and the ones that say "never met her, but i fancy her" ... get reall will ya!

fwiw, there are three blokes in this house none of us have met her, none of us fancy her.

Well not much anyway.

Admittedly we sometimes print out her stories and have a quick wank over them, but its just a bit of harmless fun innit?

Not that we do that very often, well, not all of us together anyway. Well, we do get together for a group wank over her latest stories once a week, I admit it is becoming a bit of a ritual, maybe thats not so common, but I'm sure lots of other guys must do just that right?

Usually its on a Sunday, just after we have added the latest rachelswipe stories to our special shrine room. Its dedicated to her, and we keep a few candles burning .. along with some images of girls we think might look like her. Then we read out her latest postings, do the quick wank thing, and then take it in turns to read out a osting we think was really good. We all have a few favourites.

Anyway, this isn't really a guilty secret as I'm sure there are lots and lots of blokes who have similar shrines to her etc, so its all quite normal really.
(flipper is going to die in a bizarre gardenning accident, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 1:27, Reply)

I ruined a kids day trip
As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. The main problem is that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING. This rule applies tenfold in the case of children.

So, one particular day I get on the bus to go into town. I take my seat towards the back of the bus. Far back enough to not be sat with the elderly, but not too far back to be stuck with the thugs. All is going as well as a journey in a clapped out stinking bus can possibly go, when the child from hell jumps aboard with his fat arsed chav mother. They sit in the gap thats designed for the elderly and the crippled in the standard display of selfish procrastinating lazyarsed effortless behaviour that you now seem to expect from the tax swallowing handout dependent wasters that are the chav class. The mother opens a family bag of doritos, and proceeds to munch her way to an early grave, while satans fart stands on his seat and starts pressing the bell over and over...and over again.

This went on for about 10 minutes, and I could see everyone on the bus becoming restless as they all got closer and closer to a total nervous breakdown. And then, something incredible happened. Something so extraordinary, noone saw it coming... The mother actually did some parenting.

"IF YOU TOUCH THAT BELL ONE MORE FUCKING TIME WE'RE GOING HOME YOU LITTLE SHIT!" she bellowed menacingly at the perfectly described "little shit". The child immediatly stopped, looking shocked and upset but kept his hand near the button mostly for balance. And so, the perfect opportunity for vengeance had shown itself.

With a quick glance at the mother to make sure she wasn't looking at either me or the demon spawn, I reached up and rang the bell in quick succession. The mother glared at the child, his hand still over his button, and with wails of protest she picked him up, and marched off of the bus screaming at him that he was no longer going to the zoo.
( Furness, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 0:48, Reply)

Secrets Hey
Well mulling this over there is around 10 things i have done that i would cover up from the rest of the world and compared to some of these i'm like a fucking nun. Most of them are very small and didn't effect anyone but i still wouldn't relay them to most people. Strangely enough the one that im most ashamed of i won't be telling you, even though a lot more people know about it than most of them. I was going to give you an exclusive but unfortunately i go by this alias on many a site so people could identify me as the culprit, i might share it later under a different name.

Anyway a fucking anecdote. This isn't one of those secrets but could very well of been and fits in well here.... However having told one person, i found it cathartic and will now tell anyone after a few pints. It's not particularly guilty although it is in the sense that i feel guilty for myself having to live with the shame.

On my 18th Birthday after enough beer, i decided to purchase some rubber johnnies to entertain my non-existant lady friends with. I have no idea why, I still am a fucking virgin now at 20 with self esteem issues and OCD related hypochondria. Of course like all teenagers i decided to carry one about in my wallet at all times, you know "just in case", it was a fucking pain in the ars, i used to keep it in one of my card pockets and it was forever falling out when i was trying to pay for things, show id etc. Anyway after a few months i gave up hope and decided it wasn't going to be used any time soon. Plus it was early in the morning, i had work the next day and didn't want to get my hands messy on the trip to smutville i was planning. So i decided to have an aptly named posh wank. I broke out the prophylactic with glee, finally it was going to see daylight, however on tearing open the seal, i was met with a substance stickier than a wham bar. I may as well have just released and jizzed all over my fucking hands. I immediatly informed my best friend that it must have some how dissolved after having not been used for so long. That would of been embarrassing enough but the ordeal was not over, a few weeks later i decided to examine the connies twin still in it's packageing and immediatly clocked on to what had happened. As i routed inside i found not one but two fully formed johnnies in all there glory and in bigger wrappers than the one i had been carrying about with me. All those months i hadn't been prepared to take my chance and seize the day because i had in fact been carrying around the satchet of fucking lube! Yep and it gets worse, after kicking myself for being such a naive sexually clueless prick, i decided to go ahead and do the dirty in my newly discovered spunk stoppers, but no matter how hard i tried and thought back to those models and instructions in year 10 sex ed i could not put the buggers on!!!!!!! This tale is 100% true. I tell this to anyone feeling down about themselves, at least you haven't sunk to stall's depths.
(Joey Stall, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 0:31, Reply)

Guilty as charged
Not a very interesting one, but i am one of the crowd that wonders want Rachel looks like.

I once dropped a kid (i was only a child myself at the time mind) oh his head from a GREAT height i.e. 4ish foot which was my shoulder hit. Just to see what would happen... he was okay, i think he kinda enjoyed it.

Nothing else i care to share.

EDIT: How does one Gaz someone...?
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 0:22, Reply)