Guilty as charged..
I'd like to shove Ainsley Harriotts head in a blender. I hate him more than anything else on this Earth. Given the opportunity to end world hunger, drought, and famine and watch the bald prick slide down a razor blade, into a vat of vinegar, and I'm sorry, but they'd be "no snow in Africa this Christmas-time"! He's just a self promoting gimp.

Also, I have strange thoughts about Zoe Wannamaker...
(gjb006, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 8:54, Reply)

More secrets
Some of these are too faded to post in their entirety (I'm 19 and have the worst memory in the world), so I'll make a short list.

The time I took a dead squirrel from the bus stop home and buried it in the garden. (I was 12, and I didn't have many friends). The funniest bit was the fact that it clearly had gone into rigor mortis while holding onto a branch then had fallen off, as its little hands and legs were in a hugging position.

I once got incredibly hammered on Tesco Value Gin and Kick*, and thought it'd be an incredible laugh to text people at 2AM and tell people I was bisexual**. While still totally smashed, I was talking to my friend Louis on MSN, a gentleman of the Chinese type. I was asking him if he got that text and to disregard it. It was my mate, who lives in Belgium, whose number I don't have for texting. He still makes fun of me, and thinks I bum Louis.

Minutes after the previous incident I made an adultfriendfinder account, hoping for some kinky chat with some freaky girls. I got old-man-cock photos instead.

I was called Neville throughout the last 2 years of my school life, due to the fact I looked like Longbottom.

I've never been on a date, had a girlfriend or anything, due to my inability to form structured sentences in the presence of attractive people of the female persuasion. In fact, these sentences usually turn out as "Fmeepd".

So, that's probably the most revealing thing I've ever posted on t'Internet. Hope you enjoyed it.

*Sad part was, I could have had anything. But it was sitting there, all 70cls of mouth drying gender bending goodness.

**I'm not, but enough drink down me and I'm yours. There are a few exceptions to this though. I would totally do John Barrowman. Phwoar.***

*** Ok, so maybe I am a bit.
( Grokthought wouldn't pay that for Chinese 5-Spice, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 8:50, Reply)

Prediction of rachelswipes next guilty secret post...
the brutal murder and disposal of the body of legless
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 8:47, Reply)

Rachel Swipe
.
Ms Swipe gazzed me and asked me to post a pic of her up here so you can all see what she looks like. So here, in all her glory, I present Rachel Swipe.




And can I just say that I jet off to a new life in Australia tomorrow? Bloody good job too if Rachel ever gets a hold of me...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 8:35, Reply)

My guilty secret?
I'm a girl, and I fish. (Freshwater only). Bass, trout, catfish. And they're all fucking good eating.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 8:16, Reply)

I harbour a hate.....
A hate for Derek the weatherman. A rather un-natural hate too; everytime he's on the weather report I want to headbutt the television. He is the most irritable gay fecker on the box at present, and the BBC Wales top-bods believe that we can't get enough of him. Yeah, the Welsh love teh gayers, plus we all love Owen McGlove too and knitting.

He was in Swansea signing a book the other week, and the only reason I didn't go down there was that work wouldn't authorise my holiday request. That would've been a funny headline in teh post, "Local man twats Evil Derek".


I...will...cut you...
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 8:16, Reply)

Sorry Dave
I shared a flat with a fit bird who was a bit of a freak, and some dopey Geordie who was nice but dim. Anyways, Dave comes into the flat and walks in on Lucy who is completely starkers and drying her hair. She starts screaming about him being a pervert and he apologises profusely and leaves the room. Why the fuck she was naked in the front room is still a mystery – but, like I said, she was a bit of a freak. Fit though.

I come home and she is in an apoplectic rage. I hear the story and try and reason with her but she is having none of it. She thinks he’s a pervert and she is determined to get her own back. Now, we had two toilets in the house – one of which was so disgusting that we never used it. She took his toothbrush and cleaned this shitty shitter with it and then replaced it back in the bathroom cupboard.

Fast forward a week and Dave developed a nasty infection in his mouth that never really cleared up in the few months he continued to live with us. Sorry, Dave. I should have said something – I just couldn’t be arsed with house politics and I was a bit scared of what Lucy would do to me if she found out I had told you.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 5:08, Reply)

On being discreet...
As I have mentioned many times in the past, I'm a divorced father of two boys and a girl. We separated in 2000, so my kids have seen me date a few women- and know nothing of a hell of a lot of others that I either dated briefly or just shagged a few times.

I currently have my girlfriend living with me, and had one living with me before her. I imagine that it's pretty obvious to them that I'm not exactly celibate, so I've tried my best to be discreet.

Recently my daughter and I were hiking up a mountain, and I had a long and serious discussion with her about a variety of issues. She told me that it had been a bit awkward over the years to see me with various women, and I acknowledged this. She also commented to me that it was really awkward when it was obvious that we had been having sex.

"Sorry," I replied. "I've been trying my best to be discreet."

"You mean like you and the Lunatic Artist were being 'discrete' last night?"

Damn. I didn't know that the walls were that thin...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 2:30, Reply)

Rabbits
Another one, id pretty much forgotten about this.

A few years back was round a mates house having a few beers in the sun.

He was a bit of a nutter but good value none the less. He was always trying to get rich in stupid ways, his latest stupid way was breeding rabbits.

He had this massive set up in the garden of hutches, bitches all kept to one side and 2 male bunnies on the other side of the garden.

Anyway, many beers were consumed throughout the day and more & more people were turning up. Soon enough there were 20 odd people at his place off their tits on all sorts.

There was a bloke there that was slightly spacko and very very weird. I was out having a smoke and being smashed just flicked the butt into the garden thinking nothing of it. Weird guy was leaving as I was walking back into the house.

2 mins later the garden is up in flames. After 15 mins its under control but all rabbits are dead and everything is ruined (later found out the set up cost him nearly 800 quid) He is livid and at this point has an axe and is demanding to know who started the fire. Fingers were pointed at me as I was the only smoker.

I did the only thing I could to get out of the situation. I blamed spacko. Said I see him smoking by the rabbits before he left.

I believe he got a pasting a week or so later.

Im sorry John Thompson, I really am.

That’s the first time ive told anyone.
(Lanceuppercut, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 1:37, Reply)

Guilty Pleasures?
Well, it USED to be chatting with RachelSwipe...and for those of you following along with your programs, RachelSwipe is an absolute stunner! Absolutely gorgeous. And THE BEST personality Ive EVER met online.

I used "USED to be" because she ignores me now. :( Stupid Atlantic Ocean.

And so it goes...
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 0:44, Reply)

Guilty secret part two
I have many times set up a fake msn account and pretended to be a rather attractive young lady in order to snare my 'friends' and get them to blab secrets that I can use in future against them.... I like to think of it as insurance =).

Also, whenever im at work I like to change labels on things so they go to the wrong place or just put boxes in the wrong place anyway so a next day delivery becomes a 48 hour delivery =D, I dread to think how bad ill be at being a teacher.

I like to teach my nephews swear words, although they always know not to use them in front of mummy and daddy... just stick their fingers up at them when their backs are turned, even if my brother and sister-in-law saw the kids would probably get away with it.

Feels better to get these things off my chest =).

Length? doesn't matter at this early stage =)
(urbanbushmonkey, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 0:37, Reply)

Sore groin
I attended some metal festival in the 90's. I was partial to a bit of first row action, and always managed to squeeze myself to the front, or at least the second 'row'. That day had a fair amount of crowd surfers, and more than enough boots to the head, etc., and everyone was getting sick of it. I too was getting weary, and as one went over (and another boot to the head), I quickly grabbed them around the groin and squeezed, thinking I had just deservedly given some hairy, fat bloke a very sore pair of testicles ...

... When in fact, a girl of around 14-15 collapsed over the railings clutching her groin and screaming in agony, looking a little upset at her very first sexual assault.


I also love going for a crap in work. Not unusual, but I thought I'd add that. I wait until it's a pre-turtle's head and then whisk myself away and evacuate my colon into the porcelain. They're always the ones where you give a wipe, and nothing's there. It is the highlight of my day. The toilet interiors are beautiful marble with subdued lighting, and always clean. Sometimes I surprise myself with a 'ghost poo' where my intestine of escaping, full bodied gas sharply reverberates around the hard, reflective sheen of the toilet bowl - equally as satisfying ... and the feeling of my abdomen deflating ... ohhhhh
(Nibi, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 0:31, Reply)

DepthCharge
Not sure if I've posted this before, but my guilty secret is also my guilty pleasure.

I love to fart when I ride up the tube escalators. You see, the fart mostly stays where it is (obviously with some invisible residue following you). It means that everyone coming up behind you gets it straight in the face.
Whenever I do it, an imaginary submarine commander in my mind whispers dramatically "DepthCharge".

Maybe I should get out more.
(EvilMeister, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 0:21, Reply)

Rachelswipe
is actually rather stunning, she sent me a picture and.. wow =).

Not too good at guessing ages though =P
(urbanbushmonkey, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 0:09, Reply)

Forgot to tell a mate that he's a wanker
I have a friend who is quite a laugh most of the time but every other day he has a story about how he rang the bank and the call centre twat messed up everything, meaning having to stay on the phone for ages etc. Or having an argument over a carparking space. Or phoning up to order something and ending up spending, y'know, like TWENTY MINUTES just trying to get a pizza, or how the Comet delivery bloke was a complete arsehole and didn't know what he was doing. And I always meant to tell him "Mate, it's not them, it's you." Not funny or interesting I guess but this is the second time I've read about Rachelswipe making someone cry over the phone and, love, it's not them it's you. I guarantee it. But you seem like you're a laugh the rest of the time so no one tells you as they don't want to piss you off.
(bonjelafiend, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 0:07, Reply)

my guitly secret is.....
i were my 'y' fronts over my pants, and i'm not even a super hero!!!
(Squid83, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 23:53, Reply)

My first record
...that I spent my own money on, was an EMI Rolf Harris compilation album. 39p, Woolies, 1974 or thereabouts.

And I harbour a secret fascination for Kate Allen who used to do the morning travel news on BBC London.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 23:34, Reply)

Not really a secret, but I still feel guilty.
When I was driving home from appearing on court in West Virginia for a speeding ticket, I was driving through Staunton when a young grey cat bolted through someone's yard, ran alongside my car for a bit, then ran under me. I swerved, but I hit him anyway- in my rearview mirror he was writhing so badly that he flipped himself in the air a few times.

I love cats, very much, so it freaked me out. I slammed on the brakes, leaped out of my car and got there just as he was dying. I picked up his fuzzy little body and moved him to the sidewalk, then went back to the house he had bolted from- but no one was there.

As he didn't have a tag, I couldn't really be sure of where he came from- so I wrote an apologetic note and left it under him, and drove home feeling very sad.

If I knew whose pet he was, I would gladly stand before them and apologize and find them another kitten.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 23:31, Reply)

I used to support
Man united. *grimaces*

I love larger women. Id rather have beth ditto over kate moss any day. anyway thats not what i feel guilty about, i dumped a girl because she had put on weight so much over a 6-month period she weighed more than me.

Im 6 ft 4 and 14 and a half stone. That is all
(papa bouba slap your face, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 23:22, Reply)

Evil penguin 17's story
has just reminded me of my friend's dear departed greyhound Seb. Seb was the softest, daftest dog imaginable, so much so that he let us festoon his cock and balls with glow in the dark stars. He would run around the darkened living room, confused to how he'd developed spookily-lit tackle, then try to lick the glow away.

We stopped doing it after he choked on one of the stars. Bless...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 23:15, Reply)

Help Lassie!
Once I wrote on my white dog with a marker. I wrote "I need toilet paper." My mom was annoyed. I did not feel sorry for the dog, even though the message stayed a few days. I have also drawn a mustache on the dog and a monacle.

I will also use my laptop while on the crapper.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 23:08, Reply)

Another cat story.
Csj’s account of how his mate killed his girlfriend’s cat reminded me about a previous friend of mine and how he too “accidentally” killed his grandmother’s cat. Now let me say from the outset that I rather like cats, however in some weird sick way I feel a little guilty because I found humour in my friend’s story. According to him he really hated cats, with a vengeance. Especially the way they have that habit of curling themselves in and out of your legs. As it happened his grandmother owned such a cat, and one day when he was there visiting, the grandmother went off to the kitchen to put the kettle on. While he stood in the lounge room, his grandmother’s cat appeared purring noisily as they do, and started curling itself in and out of his legs. Quite obviously this got the better of him, so with impeccable timing he punted it into the open fireplace, the one that just happened to have a roaring fire.

Apparently the rather startled cat let out the most gut-wrenching cry as the flames engulfed it. He said it emerged from the flames with its previously longhair coat now short and blazing and started tearing around and around the room. After about three laps of the room it dropped stone dead in the doorway leading to the kitchen. The grandmother on hearing the ruckus appeared at the doorway, just as her faithful (smoldering) companion expired. Stunned, she asked what had happened? He lied and said, “I don’t know Gran, it just jumped into the flames”. He said he did feel a little guilty, but only when he visited her again about a month later, because he could still smell burnt hair in the furnishings. It seems Gran never did get herself another cat.
(Cogitator, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 22:52, Reply)

i went to see steps
supported by nuclear pussy (before kerry katona left them and they were even shitter than when they became famous for a minute).

but in my defence, my "friend" bought the tickets as my birthday "present".

we were the oldest people there by about 10 years. on the plus side, there was no Q for the bar, none at all...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 22:32, Reply)

Well i meant well
From the age of 13 to 19 telling every boy i had sex with he was the first and after that telling every boy, and the two ladies, they were the best shag ever !!!
O and last year i thought i would be a cool aunt and teach my 10 year old neice how to blow smoke rings so she could impress her mates.
(shellythecat, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 22:21, Reply)

As well as wondering myself what Rachelswipe looks like,
I just remembered another guilty secret or two:

The first single I ever bought was the Children In Need Perfect Day thing. I used to own two Steps albums and recently Azureus'd the first two of them.

I used to find Alan Davies attractive (10 or so years ago when he was all over the TV and not just the thicky one on QI). Now I think he's a poodlehaired twunt and finding out he went to my uni nearly killed me.

I tripped and smashed my mum's crystal swan thing that used to sit on the windowsill (she didn't like it, it was a present from someone) and blamed the cat, who was sat on the windowsill at the time saying she knocked it off with her tail... sorry Pix, mum kicked you out for the night for that :(

Oh and that scar on my chin was from a feral cat I tried to pet when I was about nine and not your friend's rosebush. Sorry.

And lately I regularly speak a la lolcats, as in "my stuff, let me show you it" and "DO NOT WANT!" when I'm not impressed. Eek.
( Maladicta, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 22:17, Reply)

Oh jeez...
...For years I used to wipe my sticky white love piss (sorry, quality quote) off my chest with a random sock lying about the bedroom. I just used to put it on the floor again.

That is...Until the day (think I was about 17!) I walk in and my Mum's gathering up the laundry in my room.

She picks up a sock, idly dry rips it apart and puts it on the laundry pile.

Not a wince. Not even a blink.
(allywilson, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 22:17, Reply)

Embarrassing rather than shameful secrets
Amongst my record collection (consisting mostly of Death and Black Metal) there lurks.....no it's too horrible....okay...here goes....

The Best of Val Doonican!!!!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 21:37, Reply)

Pigeons
I'm on a killing spree - in the past week I've killed 3 pigeons and a rabbit with my wheeled murder wagon (car, obviously)

I don't feel any guilt about this and I'm not even trying to dodge them any more - does that make me bad?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 21:35, Reply)