Re: Unemployed Wasters below



When I was an unemployed waster, I used to lay about the house all day watching kids tv and the like. My parents and brother gave me grief non-stop about this.

To get my own back, when everyone was out working (dad & brother) or shopping (mum), I'd do a sweep of the house and take any money I found.

I used to go through my brother's trouser pockets (when he wasn't wearing them obviously) as he spent his nights in the pub so would have tons of loose change that he'd never miss. I also went through my mother's purse, the pin money box and the small change jar.

My dole at the time (mid '80's) barely came to fifteen quid so I'd easily double it or more with my pilfering. I never got found out either despite a few complaints about the amount of loose change being a bit light from time to time.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 14:41, Reply)

pissing off a bridge...
just come from a holiday in morzine and after a night on the town boozing, decided to relive myself off the huge bridge that connects the two sides of the town....sorry to the owner of the red fiesta below that got soaked with my piss.....

I also decided to piss off the balcony of our apartment and as the police went past but i dont think they saw me.
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sun 2 Sep 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Tsk, Drunken Students
When I was an unemployed waster, I was once dragged to a student flat party, where, once the cheap lager had run out, I found myself in the coat room drawing on the face of a passed-out student. After 6 cans of Fosters, I thought this was the funniest thing ever, as I gleefully scribbled swastikkas, "666" and the like on the poor lad's mug. A young woman entered the room and admired my handiwork, at which point I actually looked at the pen, saw the words "permanent marker", gave the pen to the young lady, lifted an expensive bottle of wine and ran far, far away. I still feel a little bit bad about the whole thing, but apparently you can remove permanent marker by scrubbing continously for 6 hours with a block of pumice. So that's OK then.
(sarahahaha, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 13:47, Reply)

something I did and forgot about
I was the believable decoy for something complicated and very unkind as a practical joke.

Every class or course has a swot, who makes up for lack of natural grasp of a subject and a social life By working in the library, staying late......
He was actually a nice guy, but he had victim stamped all over.

Do you know how you talk about things over beer and then they evaporate as you walk through the pub door? Some don`t, especially if you have a slight bully amongst you and he co-ordinated it.
this is a long time ago, and radio inventory tags on items were very new and just were a one size something that hoots in the exit radio field, no Id`s or anything fancy

At college you saved your money to spend on beer fags, food and other luxuries, and only bought the really useful textbooks, so sometimes you had to use the library. Fine, bars open, books away, run, oops book in case, "whe-oo whee-oo" "ere theres a metal strip in these.

Master plan, cut strip from book, smuggle out , divert swot, take habitual jacket thing, unpick seam, insert, close. I was swaotty enough to engage, and was the 5 minute diversion during a lab, for the pick and stitch. " the alarms keep going off whenever I leave the library, brilliant fun "Oh perhaps its the spacng on the metal zip on my jacket ?" .

This carried on for a week or two, the guilty bit was then he stopped mentioning it, we forgot. So for nearly a whole semester this poor sod who lived in the library and came out to use use the loos and cafe was getting maybe 5 alarms a day. Suddenly the penny dropped and one of us told him , it was "you complete rotters" IKYN.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 12:54, Reply)

my guilty secret is...
apeloverage is my twin brother.* he's such a liar








*may not actually be true
( Dances with Rabbits Back to Education i go, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 11:39, Reply)

I'm a guardian of the Cosmic Balance
Thanks to you people, I spend most of my time filling condoms with food.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 11:36, Reply)

I've just moved to Ireland
from New Zealand.

It's taken me a few months to come to this but.. I think I hate Ireland.

Shhh Don't tell.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 11:10, Reply)

i've had
sex and really filthy phone sex in my flatmate's bed (although not at the same time, clearly). sorry flatmate, but come on, you should have known i didn't really wash your bedding "just because i was doing mine"...

i'm a bad bad person (and a very naughty girl, ha ha)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 10:52, Reply)

Conspicuous consumption
I was once with a girl who absolutly refused to have any of my come even so much as touch her. Despite us both having been tested and her being on the pill, she seemed convinced that sperm would somehow get her pregnant if it touched her.

This of course meant that blow jobs were kept to a minimum and would only ever consist of a few minutes before stopping in case i got too 'exvited'- i always thought that was the point.

Of course the reverse wasn't true, so i'd spend hours buried between her legs - not that i minded, it would have been nice for some proper reciprocation though...

So, after a year or so of just getting slowly more and more annoyed with the situation, i broke and hada wank into the lunch i was cooking for her. I was having something different so i didn't have to eat it.

Do i feel guilty about that? Not one jot, she should have grown up a bit and not been so wierd anout it all.

But this is about Gulity secrets i hear you ask! And i don't feel guilty about this. Nope, i feel guilty that our housemate was around and liked the smell of whati cooked her so much that she ate some as well. I've never wanted tolaugh and cry so much in my entire life.

Oh well...
(chipotlechris Cthulhu beast by day, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 9:43, Reply)

rehab
I'm in rehab for the next 14 weeks whilst they iron out my heroin, crack and benzo habit, work think I'm on my hols driving around Europe, and they're paying me for it......
(hippyjunkiescum, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 9:43, Reply)

DebbieDoesDerby . . .
My guilty secret is that I love being attacked on the Interweb.

.
Oh dear. I'm being slandered by a 12 year old. boo-hoo.

So lets get a couple of things straight. The stories I write on here are all either true, or based on truth. The reason I've got so many of them is because I've done a lot of things in my life. Some good, some bad, most of them entertaining. And I'm off onto another chapter this week. Moving continents - you moved out of your mum's house yet?

But guess what, fuckwit, the secret to writing entertaining tales isn't so much what you're writing about, it's the way you write them. You have to *try* to make what you're saying interesting.

There's a whole bunch of great writers here on b3ta. Gleeballs, Ms Swipe, Humptydumpty, Scary Duck - the list just goes on. But if someone like you tried to describe exactly the same incident as me or any of the other popular writer's here we'd get something like.

"I went out, got drunk and my boyfriend shit the bed" - DebbieDoesDerby

Instead of this: www.b3ta.com/questions/sleepwalking/post87681/

You see the difference there?

Talent m'boy, talent.

Oh - and having to write "please click this if you agree with me" is such a sad thing to do. Begging for people to vote for you is the trait of a politician, not a B3tan.

Now why don't you fuck off and get ready for school?

Sheesh. Being attacked by DebbieDoesDerby is like getting savaged by a dead sheep. (Apologies to Dennis Healey)

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 9:30, Reply)

I dated..
..a hooker for a year.

I handled her bookings, website and marketing.
(Cane: I love Sushi, Sobriety & Shotokan, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 9:02, Reply)

I say I love you
but I'm just using you for sex.

Signed,
Jesus of Nazareth.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 6:01, Reply)

I went out with an S&M mistress
but I broke it off because I was too young to be tied down.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 5:55, Reply)

once at Bird College of Dance & Theatre Performance, I couldn't be bothered doing my homework
So I just expressed one of my friends.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 5:53, Reply)

I really liked wearing sunglasses (even when it wasn't sunny)
but I hated when people made smartarse comments about it. I also loved dogs, and couldn't see why I couldn't take mine on the bus. Sorry.

Yours,
Stevie Wonder.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 5:46, Reply)

I work on the Human Genome Project
Sometimes when we can't be bothered working it out, we just put 'Gattaca Gattaca Gattaca' over and over again.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 5:44, Reply)

DebbieDoesDerby . . .
There's a really simple solution to your particular problem -

DON'T READ THE ENTRIES YOU DON'T LIKE

. . . instead of moaning like a girl, and wondering out aloud about their authenticity. Use that button with "Ignore" on it (that's it, down the bottom).
Grow up - though if your user name is any indication, you must have at least 4 or 5 years left until you drop your balls . . . you must be what, all of 13?


PS: I think you'll find apeloverage posts the *most* (ie: highest volume of) *shit* on here,
PPS: If I recall, Legless never actually claims everything he writes is true. We're not vying for journalistic awards in excellence here . . . it's all F U N (as in, exaggeration and stretching of the truth may (shock!) occur . . .)


Obligatory story:

My folks don't know that in just under a week's time, Legless will be emigrating here permanently to be with me (YAY!).



It's kind of slipped my mind - I keep meaning to tell them . . . for the last 18 months or so.

Might have to bite the bullet and mention they'll be meeting their son-in law eventually



- I'll get 'round to it, really I will . . .






Truly, I resolve to tell them at least before the plane lands . . . maybe once the jetlag's worn off . . . ah, give it a couple of weeks at least . . .



Maybe when we're well into Spring . . . before Christmas maybe?
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Sun 2 Sep 2007, 2:38, Reply)

I'll just be a couple of minutes
having read miss swipes guilty secret I'm having real problems thinking about work as the mental image of just a towel and high heels won't leave me alone!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Sun 2 Sep 2007, 1:44, Reply)

I got a boner....
From tubgirl.
:(
(Lil' Alan, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 1:08, Reply)

Not mine
But a friend's very guilty secret...

My friend (whom we shall call Tarquin for the hell of it) is very good friends with this other guy (whom we shall call Constantin, again for the hell of it). They both had girlfriends, Tarquin: Jesse and Constantin: Mia.
They were all living in the same house for the summer (Constantin's), but Tarquin dumped Jesse and Mia dumped Constantin with 2 days of eachother (both couples had been going out for a year plus).
Jesse and Constantin (the dumpees) were both very suspicious, as well as being very (very very very) upset, and confronted Tarquin and Mia, asking if anything was going on, which they resolutely denied, how dare they, good friends etc etc, and the matter was dropped (although the bad moods and unhappiness remained)

However, Tarquin revealed exclusively to me that in fact he and Mia have been having it on for rather a long time...in Constantin's house...when he's been sleeping in THE SAME ROOM, in his own bed!
So Tarquin has been having it on with his best friend's very long term girlfriend, caused them to break up, and has been screwing her under his nose, in his bed, while Mia caused a rift between Tarquin and Jesse, and caused their break-up, and has been sleeping with other guys in her ex-bf's bed.... Not only that, but then they all went on holiday together (despite anger and unhappiness), where the "fun" continued...leaving Jesse and Constantin depressed yet Tarquin and Mia unusually elated...

Mia has also been sending Tarquin seductive photos taken with Constantin's camera in his room and sent on his computer...

Both of them (Mia + Tarquin) seem to think that they can
a) Keep it hidden (doubt it, Tarquin is a terrible liar)
b) Tell the others one day
c) Tell them without Constantin killing them both, as he is very likely to do.
d) Live happily ever after

Both insist it's "true love" (we're all 17 ffs!), "never felt this way" and all that crap...

I think in a few months I'll come back with my own guilty secret...

"I Blackmailed my Best Friend"...
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 23:35, Reply)

HSM
I rather like High School Musical...and have seen a stage version of it...I know way to many of the words, hum it rather a lot, and have many of the songs on my iPod.

I should add I'm a guy...this isn't normal.
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 23:16, Reply)

Really REALLY guilty
I secretly fancy apeloverage and frankspencer.

Click I like this if you do as well.
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 22:34, Reply)

Guilt?
I'm afraid to say that I don't feel guilt - I had a conscience bypass when I was 16

.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 22:20, Reply)

My youthful shame
When I was no older than 6, my mum had bought me an extremely expensive outfit (one from one of the shops wear there's only five outfits in and a t-shirt for £20) in fetching lemon, which I had to try on immediately. I lived on a council estate and to show it of off to all the poor people around me. What better way, but to take my bike. How was I to know that the council had just tarmacked the road on this hill where you have to cruise round without peddling with no hands on the handle bars.

Well, the soft tarmac created havoc with my wheels and just as I veered round the bend I literally flew off my bike and my gorgeous new light lemon suit caressed the road for some yards, before I managed to get on my feet again. Scraped and looking like a damaged bee.

Panicking, knowing my mum would kill me if she knew that I was wearing my new suit to do stunts on my Princess Raleigh bike round the estate I spotted my victim - (sorry Phil). I managed to wet my cheeks with a bit of spit and hobbled home howling my sob story to my mum how carefully I was riding bike, when this horrible boy jumped out in the road and frightened me so much that I fell off my bike.

Mum, being the not-so-quiet-type marched round to his house and wouldn't leave until the poor buy was grounded for at least a week - really am sorry Phil!!!
(brocky, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 22:16, Reply)

old woman's oyster card
I was on the bus today going in to Croydon, and as this old woman got off the bus earlier on, she dropped her Oyster pass on the pavement and didn't notice. Me being a cunt just laughed.

I feel bad now and haven't told anyone. OH SHI-
(Dracia flailed on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 21:54, Reply)

Cross Country Cheating
Apologies in advance for length...

When I was younger I used to be quite good at cross country running and represented my school and county.

Anyway, i used to work for the Benefits Agency and they have (or at least used to anyway) a Sports Division for inter-Departmental teams, etc.

I joined up and heard about a cross country race so thought I'd give it a go. (OK - I was more interested in the day off work without it affecting my annual leave.)

Less than a week before the start of the race I had a 3 mile run - I was knackered and realised how unfit i was.

Day of the race - got there nice and early, looked around and saw a load of old blokes - no problems thinks I, tactics - start from the front and go from there.

Race instructions - 3 laps of a 1.5 mile course - through woods and involves a couple of hills.

Race starts and reality strikes home. Hard. I start strong and within half of the first lap I am overtaken by everybody. Including all the coffin dodgers.

Gets to the end of the first lap and I am last.

Round the corner of the second lap I collapse behind a bush.

Lying there struggling to breathe properly I work out i have 3 choices :-

1. Carry on as I am and finish last - humiliation for myself.

2. Limp back to the start line with a pretend muscle pull or some other injury

3. Cheat

it is to my shame I chose option 3. I laid low for another 10 minutes or so and waited for a few people to pass me by. I then rejoined the race. i was overtaken by a few more people and as they approached the finish line at the end of their third lap - so did I (just 1 lap less than they did). Coming in a decent point scoring place would have been too obvious so in the end I made sure I was mid table medicority - 11th out of 45 runners.

This way I got a day off work, decent position and praise from those back at work and saved myself from humiliation.

I got away with it completely and no-one twigged on, or at least if they did, they kept it to themselves.

When it came to the offer for me to attend the road race though I declined. Couldn't guarantee that anyone could give me a lift if I got a bit tired again.

Thanks for allowing me to share. I feel better for that
(brocky, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 21:43, Reply)

hate the sin, love the sinner
I'm very against cheating. I have never cheated on anyone. I will never cheat on anyone.

But i once slept with a guy who was in a really long term relationship........ on Valentines Day.

i am a bad bad person.


cock.
(it's not hash mixed drops, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 21:10, Reply)