I punched a seabird.
That was a Bully-Gull moment.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 21:05, 1 reply)

Chinese takaway...
I used to work with a guy called Brian, who was not particularly bright. We went out on the piss one evening after work and later on decided to go for a Chinese takaway. On the walk there, I persuaded him that the best thing on the menu was the 'pork sword & beef bayonet'.

stupid fucker asked for it too!
(Lionel Tiger, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:59, 1 reply)

Titanic
A junior school lesson, in which we were taught about the tragic sinking of the Titanic in 1912.

Later that morning, my rather-sharper-than-I pal Graham caught up with me in the playground and said: "Of course, Mrs Poulter's wrong. It's pronounced Tit-An-Nick."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. Tit And Nick."

Graham knew EVERYTHING, and had no reason to lie. He went to Sunday School an' everything, and telling an untruth would make Baby Jesus cry.

"So," says my mum at tea-time that evening, "What did you do at school today?"

"We had history"

"Oh yes."

"Mrs Poulter taught us about the Tit And Nick"

"The what?"

"Tit And Nick. The ship that hit an iceberg and sunk."

"MWA HA HA HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

She told my dad.

"MWA HA HA HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Tit and Nick! MWA HA HA HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

I hated Graham.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:55, 1 reply)

Stalker Boy actually does something funny.
(A pearoast, possibly a pearoast of a pearoast).

I've mentioned my rather dim, very odd and frankly perverted A-level German teacher, Ingolf, in previous posts. Ingolf was best described as "special", I think; his grasp of English, let alone slang, was absolutely minimal and we did manage to use this to our advantage on one glorious occasion.

If you read this, Ingolf, I still think you're a twat.

Ingolf got us on a one-day seminar thing at a language institute course in Russell Square in London in the November of our AS year. So me, Slag of the Universe (aka my ex-best friend) and Stalker Boy reluctantly got the train to London with Ingolf one cold Wednesday morning. Well, less reluctantly than being driven by him in his microscopic Fiat, especially considering he had no insurance, no tax... and no licence.

We spent the morning in Russell Square being bored to tears in the "learning German" seminar and taking the piss out of the assigned sheets of work, before having lunch in a pancake shop somewhere near Russell Square (if anyone knows where this is, tell me while I'm London-based, these pancakes were fabulous), followed by a brief trip to Oxford Street, before Ingolf realised "Ah ja! Our train is leaving in half an hour!"

Did we use the Tube? No.
Did we use a bus? No.
Did we get a black cab? Did we fuck.

He made us run from Russell Square to St Pancras, to arrive just in time to see our train pulling out of the station. Glares and cursing from everyone except Ingolf, who reacts simply with "oh dear, the train appears to have left without us."

Luckily, there was another train passing through Leicester leaving ten minutes later, and we got on that one. Stalker Boy, Slag of the Universe and I managed to get seats round a table and Ingolf got himself a seat elsewhere, oblivious to the fact we had a table until about half an hour into the journey, when he got up to go to the toilet and cried "Ah ja, here you are!!" and joined us to bore us to death/traumatise us by talking about Goethe and Somalian skirts and dildos as usual. The conversation eventually turned to music, and he asked us a question.

"What is the word in English for music from the '60s and '70s, for older people... music like Andy Williams?"
Stalker Boy considered this point for a moment, and delighting as he did in fucking with people, replied "Oooh, we call that 'shite', sir."
"Ah ja."

And no more was said on the subject. The next interesting thing that happened was Ingolf running down the platform at Hinckley station after the departing train yelling "WAIT!!! You have my keys!!!" before admitting defeat and letting us call Stalker Boy's mum to come and pick us up.

The following day, we have a German class with our other German teacher, who arrives in a foul mood and calls us all mean and cruel.

Why?

Ingolf had, in fact, gone up to our headmaster in the staffroom that morning with the intention of having a serious discussion about music, and had decided to put his new word to use, telling the headmaster "in Germany, we listen to a lot of shite."

The resultant bollocking was more than worth it, as was being made to apologise to Ingolf, but as he was a cunt of the highest order, it really didn't matter and we continued to play as many tricks as was humanly possible on him for the remainder of sixth form.
( Maladicta, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:55, 5 replies)

Fork jokes
I was told to saw fork a bunch of times. Then I was told to spell it. Then I was told to say it again. Then I was asked what I eat soup with. And I said fork.
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:52, 1 reply)

Many, many gullible youngsters join the Navy
or so I hear, and are oft caught out by...

...being sent down to stores for a long weight(wait) (the storemen being happy to oblige, as they disappear round the back for a brew).

...being given a torch and told to recharge all the glow in the dark panels in the floor, on the walls etc that guide people to fire exits.

...being told to look out for the "golden rivet", bearing an inscription of the ship's birthday, which is hidden somewhere on board. Find it and the Captain personally congratulates you, obviously.

(disclaimer: i am not in the military and certainly wouldn't fall for any of the above even if i was so don't get the wrong idea and try to bomb me or something mr terrorist, thank you)
(fluff, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:51, 4 replies)

How Gullible are we all?
My story is hidden in the page, to unlock it Press Alt+F4...
(tammybear1985, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:51, 5 replies)

I fooled a load of people online
by making this video:

( krang, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:49, 7 replies)

"You're just confused
I thought you loved me?"

and other such passive-aggressive statements designed to make me question what I felt and give it a bit longer.

A year of my life on that one, but I was just confused. Not only would I not touch the guy with two bargepoles strapped firmly together if I met someone like him now, but if did somehow get into a relationship I would know that crying yourself to sleep most nights and feeling utterly alone/isolated/miserable is not a good sign and would be straight out of there.

Still, I was young, we all have to learn somehow :)
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:36, 2 replies)

I once managed to convince the wife...
that there was an ancient chinese philosopher called Hu Man Pu

More will follow
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:33, 1 reply)

Swordfishing
My family and I were on holiday in Menorca one year and on one of the days decided to do a bit of a clifftop walk. At one point in the day, in a small cove-like area we saw a small boat going round in very tight circles, as if the driver had put the steering wheel (or whatever it is that boats have) all the way to the right and then hopped out.

"Dad," I enquired, "what's that boat doing that for?"
"Well," he replied, "the fella in that boat is trying to catch swordfish; y'see, what they do is drive about looking for one, then when they find one in the water they just do circles around it to make it dizzy, then simply hook it out the water with a net."

I didn't question this for a second. I went up to my mum and proudly displayed my newfound nautical nonsense, and even protested it's truth when she called it out as bollocks. Took me a good few weeks before I realised what a lying shit my dad was/is.

I'd like to say that I was about seven or so when I believed this, but the truth is that it was more like 14 or 15.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:32, Reply)

Have to shame myself too
When i was but a young danniemcq me and my ma were planting flowers in garden and she convinced me that if we didn't do a dance around them they wouldn't grow. So there I was maybe 5 or 6 years old dancing around the seeds at 5 in the afternoon making whoop whoop noises.

They grew though...
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:29, Reply)

Let me assure you...
That the primary concern of this government (or the government if we are elected) is YOUR wellbeing and quality of life.

We will ensure that wrongdoers are correctly punished for their crimes and that you can all sleep safely in your beds. YOUR family will be protected.

Every penny you spend on our taxation is put to good use, helping your fellow citizens and making sure that local businesses, and the community in general, thrives in this great nation of ours.

We will stamp out corruption, and if we should have to invade anywhere, it will be purely for the cause of justice and humanity.

I trust I can rely on your vote.




PJM would have done a much better job of this than me...soz
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:24, 2 replies)

My sister is a fool!
When I got my old computer I got a fancy case with LED lights all over it, at the front there was a line of them that sweeped on and off one after another... almost like a scanner. well this helped me get my sister wound up.

I told her that you no longer needed to put cd's/dvd's inside it, you just held the case to it till it "scanned" and I put a cd in withought her noticing and showed her how it worked... well she was blown away by it. so much that she went down to our local pc shop to ask for one of her own... The look on her face was pricless when she came back!
(tammybear1985, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:21, Reply)

I convinced a friend at school that I was a child secret agent
We were about 8 at the time and when she dubiously questioned why they would employ a kid I told her - for that very reason! who would suspect a kid?

I wrote letters to her asking for her silence, from my 'organisation', she knew it was real because it was on really posh paper (Basildon Bond?) even if it did look suspiciously like my handwriting.
I had a communicator that looked a lot like all of the other stones on our playground, so I could throw it away without suspicion if I were caught of course.
I even had her walking around all of the local streets wih me, knocking on doors and asking for 'Mr. X' because 'we knew his name and house number but not street name'. Heh good times.
It was born out of boredom and seeing how far I could take it but I packed it in when I realised that she wasn't just playing along, she really did believe me, and she was beginning to drop hints to some of our other friends. I figured enough was enough and I needed to stop being such a cunt.

In conclusion; kids are cunts.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:20, 2 replies)

Gullible ex
Never underestimate the power of education.
One night I was out with my (ex)wife when she remarked how cold it was.
'Why do you think that is?' i said
'Well the sun isn't out at night'
'True but it's colder than that would make it, don't you think?'
'Yes, yes you're right.'
'So what could make it that cold?'
'Don't know.'
'Well the sun shines and it gets hot but at night the moon shines..' I paused
'and it gets cold!' she said triumphantly, 'the moon shines cold.'

You know i didn't even feel like a twat for that.
(Discreditor wants the dream to come true, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:19, Reply)

my girlfriend her sister and a friend.
Got them all in one go,

We were sitting in the pub talking about March Of The Penguins and I told them that when they do the overhead shots from helicopters or when planes land (do they?) with supplies the penguins are startled and look up to see this new creature. However when they fly directly overhead they topple backwards and can't get up again. When I said this they were all "thats so cute" etc and then felt bad for them being unable to right themselves. I then had to tell them of the penguin righters who's job it was was to run out when they seen them fall and either put them on their bellys again so they can stand up again or in the case of baby ones stand them straight themselves.

Told them you could apply online and all. I then completly forgot about it untill the other night I got a text asking for the site, she thought it could be fun and wanted to know more and if i'd go. I had to come clean then, I didn't want her to get to pissed off and cut me off from the hairy cup

length? it does
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:18, 2 replies)

Praise the Lord...
I can't really pinpoint when my most gullible moment was, but I'm guessing it was the time I decided to join the Church.

I was only young, so i probably didn't know any better.

I grew up in a rather broken home, with a disabled mother and angry father. I felt the brunt of his anger a fair few times. Oh, and he was a bodybuilding champion, so it made it worse. In reality, he was suffering from a crippling depression, and needed psychiatric help. Probably due to some repressed childhood experience, but I digress.

My mother, my brother and I took solace from the community spirit we found in the Church. Community spirit we thought came from the 'power of God.' I lapped up the Bible stories, my voracious knowledge of them infuriating my stridently atheist father even more. A few years later, my mother made a nigh on impossible recovery from her disability - a massive spinal injury btw - which we saw as a miracle. I'm still not sure that this wasn't some divine act, it certainly wasn't will-power related...

In a 'Road to Damascus' moment, my father turns to God. He joins our Church. Double result. plain sailing from now on? Oh no. It could never be THAT simple.

The anger continued. if anything, it got worse. But now the church elders intervened. 'You must submit to your husband', they told my mother. 'It says it in the Bible.' Any self-respecting woman would have walked out. She stuck by him just as she had done when she was disabled. Believing all the crap that was supposedly 'sent from heaven.'

I suffered quite a serious breach of trust by someone in the church, details of which i shall withhold, for now. You can make your own mind up, but the long and the short of it was that I suffered a nervous breakdown at the age of 8. I was bullied by my teacher, herself a member of the Church. (this isn't just one church, this is the Church in general) I descended into depression. Only a move away from my dreadful church-run school saved me from another breakdown. They did similar (if not worse) things to my brother. it wouldn't be fair to mention all of them, but he was humiliated on a school trip. By the Headmaster, no less. Cunts, the lot of them.

I, for some reason, rejoined the Church a few years later, after a couple of years in exile. I thought I'd just had a bad run. Christians are supposed to be God's messengers on Earth, after all.

it was good for a couple of years. I made some good friends. Then I went away to uni. Dared to have a girlfriend who wasn't a Christian. Dared to *gasp* sleep with her. Outside of marriage? the fires of Hell for you! I was constantly bombarded with questions about my private life upon my return. 'You shouldn't be doing things like that', they'd say. trying to control my life. The same way they'd tried to control my mum's life, and succeeded for years. My parents, incidentally, had left the Church. Their marriage was going great, still is. Coincidence?

There were 2 final nails in the coffin. A few years ago, an old friend had realised that he was gay. But he couldn't be gay - he was a Christian! What was he to do? Confused, he confided in someone from his church. He was told he'd need counselling, and Jesus could help him be 'freed from the demon of homosexuality.' Then, the following Sunday, someone from the same Church preached a sermon about not being afraid to die for Jesus.

He killed himself the next day. Chucked himself off a cliff, no less. His family were distraught. He had a fiancee at the time, a lovely girl. She was obviously devastated. His best friend had missed a call from him that morning, through sheer carelessness. I can only imagine how he must have felt. He was only 23. The same age I am now.

Then a couple of years later, I lost another friend, in a car crash. He wasn't a Christian, and it was during a conversation with one of my Christian (former) friends, that I was informed that he would be in Hell. Because he didn't believe in Jesus.

I just couldn't accept this any more. How could someone who was loved by so many (the church was rammed at his funeral, people were spilling outside) being burning under the fires of eternal damnation, and the same Christians who bullied me and my brother at school, humiliated us in front of everyone, be resting in heaven when they die? No fucking way.

It is only now that i can look back and see that I was conned. I was conned into believing a Bible that is merely a propaganda tool, to subjugate women and oppress those who don't believe, I was conned into thinking I was part of a unique family: any member of any club can claim to be part of a community, bound by a shared interest: what makes believing in a God you can't see so different? They told me that life as a Christian was wonderful. They lied.

I still believe that there is a God, although I utterly reject the 'God' I grew up believing in. Judging by what I've seen and experienced, I'm beginning to think I was communing with the Devil.

Apologies for length, it was about 21 years before I realised the error of my ways.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:16, 9 replies)

Napple
Ok not me, but one of my proudest moments with "Dipsy", 19yr old apprentice in our office, who is so sheltered you'd think she's been living in a cellar in Austria...

So anyway i'm having lunch and she asks me what i've got, so i tell her everything and then say "and an apple".

"a napple?" asks she.

"that's right, a nappl"... thinking i'll have some fun... "it's the old latin for 'green frui't. That's why I call it a nappl, i thought everyone knew that?".

"Really?"

"...yep, however over time they added an 'e' and then during the renaissance they made the 'n' silent, like in a lot of words and over time it just got forgotten and so it isn't used anymore."

"oh wow, i never knew!" and she was genuinely pleased with herself.

Cut to 3 weeks later when she storms up to me saying she made a fool of herself infront of one of the directors by telling this story, until she got shot down.

Solution: told her it wasn't me and she dreamt it.

Dipsy's great, got a few more about that daft bint.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:10, 4 replies)

Moronic sister again
Youngest sister and I convinced middle sister that the titanic was not in fact sunk by hitting an iceberg, but it was in fact due to a blue whale. After she'd seen the film 'Titanic' 3 times in 3 days.

It took mum a further 3 days and a picture book about the titanic to convince her otherwise.
( ascorbate, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:03, Reply)

Great Yarmouth had a big power station...
...which is sadly no longer there, it was demolished a few years ago and replaced with a smaller "Tesco value" Power Station.

Prior to demolition it was a fairly big old power station, with a massive chimney which you could see from miles and miles away as 'Nelsons County' (no relation) is very flat indeed.

Anyway, back in the 60's my aunt apparently worked there. As a child, I asked my father what she did at the power station, and he replied "She cleans the Chimney". I believed this for a good few years.
(mcnelson, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:03, Reply)

Binary Code
I have no particular expertise with computers, and in fact did manage to write off a £2000 laptop by spilling Pepsi Max on it. But whenever something goes wrong (and this happens often, not only am I clumsy with carbonated drinks but I can't resist certain things, like pressing big shiny red buttons with "DO NOT PRESS" written on them in very serious looking font) I'm too cheap to get someone competent to sort it out, and spend many determined hours searching for do-it-yourself solutions. This is not always easy, especially when I have to ignore flashing error messages and periodic overheating (due to cat hair clogging up the fan - this I DID have to get an expert to sort out). But I usually find out what's wrong, and store the information away in my brain for the next time I click the wrong thing.

So my friends turn to me for computer help. Bless them.

One time I was called to a friend's house because, and I quote: "IT WON'T TURN ON, IT WON'T TURN ON, OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ALL MY COURSEWORK IS ON HERE, OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP, IT WON'T TURN ON".

When I get there I tell my hysterical friend to go and get us some drinks, preferably not Pepsi Max, while I have a look. Well the solution is obvious in 3 seconds, even without the assistance of Google. A lead has fallen out and the PC isn't connected to the power supply. While I'm crouched under the desk plugging it back in, the OCD sufferer in me races to the surface and starts seperating wires from the hideous mass of black plastic that hangs forlornly down the back of the desk.

When she comes back in, my friend sees the computer miraculously whirring into life and me straightening out the wires connected to it.

"Oh my god," she says weakly. "You fixed it! What was the problem?"

"Well, you know that computers run on binary code don't you?"

She knows no such thing of course, but she nods quickly so as not to look stupid.

"The zeros can squeeze through any kind of wire, but the ones always travel sideways and it can be really difficult for them to navigate the bends. You have to keep the wires straightened out so they can get through."

To this day, she faithfully straightens all the wires feeding her PC once a week so the ones can flow through easily. Bless.
(DiscoStew, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 20:00, 4 replies)

i convinced my friend women can grow beards too
it was one of those inane conversations that just keeps going off on a tangent. we'd gotten onto who had it worse between men and women. he'd just reasoned that men have to shave and was complaining about nicking his face on the razor.

'women have to shave too.'

'they do?!?'

'er, yeah.'

i was baffled. why was he so stunned? i was, of course, talking about legs and underarm. then it clicked that he'd strangely assumed we were just talking about faces.

'do you mean *some* women?'

'oh no, all women can grow beards, tom. the hair on their faces just grows a lot slower than men's so we don't have to shave as often.'

he marvelled. 'really?'

i kept going, wondering how long i could drag it out. i ridiculed him for not knowing such things. as it went on, i was desperately trying not to give the game away by laughing in his face. i was goggling that a twenty-year-old man who'd had several girlfriends could be falling for this.

id like to say he caught on. what really happened was that i had to laugh and go 'no! ahahahahahaha!'
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:59, 2 replies)

I fell for this one when a kid
a friend bet me that I couldn't reach up around my head and hold my chin in my hand. AHA! I bet I can, and proceeded to do exactly that. Ta Dah!

MMMMMNNNNGGHHH!!!!! (He belmed at me), YOU LOOK LIKE A SPACKA!!!

Fell for it hook line and sinker.

Same friend- 'Have you ever had a sweaty twat round your neck?'
Me- eh? Of course not.
Him- ALIEN! HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BORN?

Same Friend- 'Have you seen the Red River?'
Me- No.
Him- Ah. Show me your forearm.
OK, The ELEPHANT goes down the Red River (he pounds my forearm with his fist repeatedly, from elbow down to wrist).
The SNAKE goes down the Red River(using his knuckles, slides down my forearm from elbow to wrist)
The EAGLE goes down the Red River (pinches viciously like 'talons' all the way from my elbow to my wrist)
The MONKEY goes down the Red River (scrabbles all fingernails in a scratchy tangle down from elbow to wrist)
AND THEY ALL RAN AWAY COS THE RIVER TURNED RED (pointing to my now blossoming, glowing forearm)

He was my best mate, by the way :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:59, 1 reply)

When I was about 15 my mum bought me a laptop so we could keep in touch through email while they were away
They were heading off on a cruise you see, for about two weeks. The day before my birthday. Which was also the day of my first GCSE exam.

What they hadn't considered it seemed was that I had never had access to the internet before, and fucking hell it was amazing, even then!
I guess she got nervous leaving me with such a pandora's box and decided to tell a few small fibs to keep me offline most of the time.

She told me that the internet was like a normal phone line, you have peak and off-peak times, but that the price of using it was MUCH higher. I don't remember figures but it was painful, something akin to 50p/min at weekends and £1/min the rest of the week.
Being the sort of person I am it horrified me that I should cost my parents this amount of money and so the whole time they were away, missing them like mad and feeling incredibly lonely, I only sent very few emails and they were written offline before signing in, sending, and getting straight offline again.

I believed this until well over a year later when one of my friends was talking about spending all of their evenings online and I asked them with surprise whether they had some kind of special internet package. Turns out that it actually cost the same as a local phone call, and it was off peak weekends AND weekday evenings. Hmmm.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:56, 2 replies)

throwing the voice
When we were much younger, my mother was upstairs tidying, whilst my sister and I were downstairs pottering around (as one does at the ages of 3 and 5). My sister decided she wanted mum, so yelled 'Mum! where are you?'. Mum shouted back down 'I'm in the garden!'. So my sister ran outside. She came back in crying because she couldn't find mum.
( ascorbate, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:55, Reply)

The Queen
I live in a town with a castle and as i lived in the old part of town, i could see it very cleary from my house and from my primary school.

As an inquesitive child, i once asked my mother why the flag was only flown on somedays and not others.

My mother replied "They fly the flag when the queen comes to stay"

I of course believe her.

The next day i go to school and noticed the flag was flying, so i proudly march up to the front of the class and anounce the queen has come to stay at the castle.

Queue thirty children pointing and laughing.

My mum still denies to this day that she ever told me such a brazen lie.
(minsh, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:52, Reply)

Not me personally
But I have got many a new starter at our office by asking them to go and fetch me a tub of elbow grease from the canteen.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:49, 1 reply)

fathers -_-
dad: they took gullible out the dictionary

me: why

dad: lul noob!!!!11
(PaulGadd -, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:47, Reply)

Wish you were here.
In my latter days of school I'd buy and pour over every Pink Floyd album I could lay my hands on. (LP's with great cover art - yes I'm that old).

My all time favourite was Wish You Were Here.
www.stpaulsgallery.com/Images/rsz_pink_floyd_wish_you_were_here_print_storm_thorgerson.JPG
it shows a two men shaking hands, one of whom is on fire.

A friend told me with great authority that it was done with the aid of hypnosis. Makes sense I'd thought, otherwise it would have hurt like hell (I was 15 ok!.)
I continued to tell people this "fact" whenever the subject of Pink Floyd came up in conversation.
Fast forward about 20 years.
I take another look at the cover and specifically the cover art credits. Indeed it was done with the aid of "Hypnosis". Note the capitol "H". "Hypnosis" was in fact a special effects agency complete with registered trademark.
I am still blushing to this day when I think back to all that mis-information I spread.
(bugboybeast, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 19:44, 1 reply)