Today I took a stand
and refused to lie for my boss. He said, "It's not so hard, is it, to just tell the people calling that I'm not in?" "No," I replied, "it's easy. But I'm not doing it. It's LYING. If I knew lying for you was going to be my job description, I would have kept making minimum wage at the pizza place."

Why am I going to Hell then? Well, the reason I refuse to lie isn't because it's the right or moral thing to do...it's because I hate my boss, and think it's funny when he gets stuck talking to sales people for hours. Plus, when he is tied up on the phone, I can spend time reading postings by you fine people, without fearing that I will get caught.

I lie all the time, but not for anybody other than myself. Isn't that the way it should be?
(BrainSurgerysFun, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 21:30, Reply)

I also used to
make up really over the top sad cancer stories and send them in to "Our Tune" on radio 1.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 21:19, Reply)

I also
bet someone £20 they couldn't down a pint of Guiness.

Surprisingly they found a bum cigar floating under the head half way through.

The look of realisation on his face as turd touched nose was class.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:58, 5 replies)

Evil Brothers
I am one of four, 3 brothers, one sister. We made her life hell.

If it wasn't putting our skiddy underpants in her bed for her to discover as she dropped of to sleep, if was sneaking into her room, picking up her mattress and dumping it in the road, with her still in it.

The worst thing we did was partially self inflicted. She was 'experimenting' with hair colour and perms, so in the space on a weekend she wend redhead, black, blond, brown and redhead, all with permutations of straight and curled hair.

Then she tried 'henna' Looks like cowshit, and smells like cowshit.

When she washed her hair, it fell out. All of it, the few straggly bits left were green. She looked like one of her dolls that we had vandalized. she cried, wailed, was devastated. Would never be seen in public.

Being kind souls, what did her Brothers do? We invited all our mates in to look at her, and laugh.

I am still quite ashamed, and deserve my fate
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:57, 1 reply)

at said pub
I also at times wiped my nose in lettuce and rubbed my cock around the outer rim of pint glasses
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:56, 1 reply)

During my teens I worked in a pub
One night an old gent fell asleep in the lounge.

I took the opportunity to bare bum fart him in the face.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:55, Reply)

Today at work
I convinced a retard that Maddy McCann was going to turn up on the island in the new series of "Lost"
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:53, Reply)

Afew years back
I was in Paris.

I had just spent the last of my money on one of those pointy laser pen things and had nothing to do except point at stuff.

Anyway as I was walking back to the hostel through a tunnel, I see this big posh black car driving at top speed toward me.

I think "fuck it" and shine the light at the windscreen.

Next thing there's a squeal of brakes and a horrific sound of tearing crunching metal and glass.

There's papparazi everywhere, it seems they were chasing the car at the time, and a loud gurgling scream as someone is choking on their own blood.

I ran like fuck I can tell you!
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:41, 1 reply)

Apart from regularly farting in children's faces on buses
I do have some great DIY garden incidents that should help me along the way.

I once lived in a house next door to an old folks home.

The front garden at said house would flood on a regular basis, so genius that I am I decided that a channel cut under the driveway that ran at the side of the garden would allow the water to safely drain away.

So I got a few cowboy builder mates and a few crates of Heldenbrau round and we set to work.

What we did not realise was that we had put too steep an angle on our little drainage channel and drilled clean through a water main.

Fortunately, the raging torrent we unleashed ran, as water does, downhill. My house was saved from the roaring cataracts.

However, the old folks home next door looked like a third world disaster area, complete with glum looking refugees shuffling along as all they owned was swept away into the distance.

Some years later at a different house, I attempted to dig out a driveway from what was previously a small hill at the side of the property. I set to work with a team of cowboy builder mates and several crates of Carlsberg Export.

What we did not realise was that we had miscalculated the angle on our little driveway and mini-JCB'd clean through an electric cable.

Fortunately, the power cut we unleashed ran, as electricity does, away from the source. My house was saved from the blackout.

However, the young child on the kidney dialysis machine next door wasn't. Oh how we chuckled as the ambulance raced off into the summer sunshine.

At least nobody got killed eh?
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:22, 2 replies)

I was worried I was
But thanks to this website I've been reassured:
www.sexinchrist.com/masturbation.html
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:08, 1 reply)

I'm going to hell...
... because of this website.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 19:42, 10 replies)

I'm going to hell because...
... this week was the office Christmas bash. I got incredibly intoxicated and managed to throw up:

- On a toilet floor
- In a sink
- On a door
- In a pint glass
- On myself

And I'm one of the managers.

I'm going to hell because the proprietors and cleaners of that pub have consigned me thence.
(drfeck pissshitfuck, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 19:12, Reply)

helllllll
I'm going for many a reasons (based on the Catholic standards of my upbringing)

I'm a poof and a dyke (bi-gender, look it up)

My gran was a bit of a cow to me so I pissed on her living room carpet

I've stolen from charities, more than once

I beat myself up and blamed my cousin

I steal my parent's hash

I've taken pleasure on standing on my sister's head

and that's just off the top of my head
but I like to be nice and toasty so bring it on
(frozen_ginger_beer, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:51, 8 replies)

Church Roof
We had not long moved in to a house in a nice little village, when the local vicar came knocking on the door. Our dad (who makes Richard Dawkins look like an arch deacon) answers, and there's the vicar rattling the collection tin for the church roof.....

Dad says 'the church roof eh? I'll just get my wallet'. He then pulls out a 50 pound note and puts it in the tin.

Vicar: 'What a wonderful donation, Mr. Blumpy! I trust we'll see you in church on Sunday?'

Dad: 'No you won't - I'm not religious'

Vicar: 'I must say, that's a generous gift for a non-churchgoer'

Dad: 'I like to keep the churches in good order - keeps you fuckers where I know where to find you!'

Dad reckons fifty quid was well worth it, not to be bothered by the church again.
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:46, 5 replies)

He who would valiant be, 'gainst all disaster
The last line isn't really

His first avowed intent/To be a pilchard

Our headmaster used to go apeshit.
(rogerzilla, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:44, Reply)

I could have posted this a couple of weeks back too but....
a few years ago now I found one of these wee envelopes that church members put in their collection plates. It had £50 in it and I kept it despite it having the church name emblazoned on the front. I convinced myself that as it would be going to good causes anyway I might as well just cut out the middle man.
Now I realise I was just fooling myself and I was really just being a greedy, selfish cunt.
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:38, Reply)

Not me, but my co-worker...
About a month a go, my co-worked walks across the parking lot to a small independent grocery store for a drink. He came back and told us how he handed the clerk - a young girl with Down Syndrome - two dollars and she gave him back $5 as change. We were aghast that he could so easily scam the mentally infirm without remorse.
(DeSade - is grannyfappin, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:31, Reply)

You know when windows go all icy in winter...
...and you can't control the urge to draw a massive cock and balls on them?

The local infant school bus pulled up at my bus stop this morning.
Their teacher was NOT impressed...
(killthearcade, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:27, Reply)

I'm going to Hell because...
...instead of answering the question, I'm just going to post a large photo of Paul McCartney.


(Ultimo LJ, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:26, 2 replies)

Posting pics on the main board.
I've managed to insult alot of cultures, sicknesses and illnesses all in the name of a cheap laugh on teh boards.
Oh dear, oh dear oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh dear, oh crikey, oh I'm on the ill now, oh and again to name but a few.

Christ, that's a bit of bad.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:07, 4 replies)

Trolling forums
So when boredom strikes between the hard work of PhD life and crying myself to sleep because I don't have a big willy, I sometimes partake upon the wonderful adventure known as trolling. For those who are unaware, trolling a forum involves making an anonymous account on a particular forum and posting controversial, confrontational and irrelevant matter in order to provoke people into getting pissed off or upset. Trolls on a site such as b3ta or similar are just annoying as we're all on here to have fun, but the real fun with trolling comes when you can do it on a forum full of stupid, opinionated people. My favourites of these are religious, anti-abortion, teen-angst-oriented music and vegan/animal liberation forums. Over the years I've had quite a few good times, some of which I shall share over the following paragraphs.

I once created an account on an anti-abortion forum. One user on this forum had posted a picture of an aborted foetus and she commented on how awful and terrible it was etc. etc. The picture was fucking scary, the thing looked like some sort of possessed zombie child. My response was thus
"Fucking hell. Seriously, if that thing was alive and chasing me round my house, I'd have no qualms about smacking it to death with a shovel. Thank GOD someone had the courtesy to abort that ugly fucker." Typical responses raged from "You monster!" to "I'm going to find out where you live and smack YOU to death with a shovel!" Brilliant.

Religious forums are excellent, particularly because they are normally full of extremely right-wing Americans who have never left their own town/state, let alone their country. The few that are not like this are hardline liberals, and I sit in the middle with a little grin whilst stirring the pot and fanning the flames. Oh, and they SERIOUSLY get intolerant and annoyed when you eventually 'admit' that you are a Muslim after days of arguments.

Teen music ones are easy, there were two girls discussing 'cutting' when they are depressed. A quick "well that's stupid, why don't you just NOT cut? That's funny" led to five pages of threats etc. One girl responded with "they can't help it, I'm an epileptic and I can't control it. Do you think that's funny?"...I picked that one out to reply to with a flashing GIF saying "You deserve a seizure for your posts"*
...that got me banned quite quickly.

But vegans/animal rights people are probably the worst for getting worked up. I think it's got something to do with the vegan diet making them cranky. They have very little comeback to the "with rights come responsibilities, when cows stop shitting everywhere and learn to use a toilet I'll agree that they are safe to walk along the street" argument, but they'll keep on and on and on until you let them think they're right. I (after a few pages of argument) eventually made a second account who came in and said "Did you know that on average 1000kg of corn contains 1kg of ground-up field mice because they are slower than the combine harvester?" and the fun starts again.

All in all, making other people upset on the internet gives me great pleasure.

*pretty sure it wouldn't have actually have caused a seizure, was too slow flashing. I'm not THAT much of a cnut. Hey, maybe I'm not going to hell after all?
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 17:42, 6 replies)

her grandmother's arse
My friend Cindy and I were playing cards and getting high late at night, and we found her poloroid camera and a packet of film. Oh what fun!!!

After a few silly photos of each other, we heard her gran in the hallway, probably off the the bathroom. Cindy "encouraged" me to jump out her room and take gran's picture. When I did it, I got a shot of her bending over bare assed and unawares.

The laughter that resulted was loud and hard enough to win me a place in hell by the devil's side. Oh well...
(The Lunatic Artist throws paint to the wind, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 17:13, 7 replies)

Up in smoke...
Some colleagues and I went to the funeral of a co-worker a couple of weeks ago. In the car on the way back we were talking about food as we were considering stopping off for a bite to eat. I commented that my other half and I always have trouble ordering steak.

"I like mine still moo-ing, but his has to be cremated before he'll touch it. I mean properly cremated..." *silence*

You can guess what type of sendoff we'd just attended.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 17:02, Reply)

I'm going to Hell...
...because last night I made a baby Jesus out of a pringles tube and a box of tesco value christmas crackers.
(Safety Hamster What happens in the future, stays in the future, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 17:01, 1 reply)

oops
I once stole a loaf of bread from an old people's home :o/
(davefromkent, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:58, Reply)

One thing led to another and we untied the ropes sat at the other side of the river with a couple of beers.
I am a rower. I annoy the crap out of out non-rowers by telling them about rowing. This is a given for most rowers and I’m trying to get better. But here is a tale I have never told anyone.

Back in 2005 I raced in a single at York during the summer. I won all my heats and got through to the final in the novice event. During the race a large privately owned boat called “MORE MISCHIEF” ploughed down my lane ignoring all calls to stop by people on the bank and race officials. I swerved a bit, had to stop and lost the race (I was wining until then).

May 2006 in York with rowing buddy Simon. We got in a lock-in at the Judges lodgings back when I liked the manager (Pete (cock)). Stumbling around at 4 in the morning along the river bank, we saw MORE MISCHIEF moored up next to the museum gardens. One thing led to another and we untied the ropes (leaving one tied as I’m not that much of a wanker) sat at the other side of the river with a couple of beers. Watched and laughed.

Don't really regret it so probably am going to hell (or cooler religons versions of hell).
(bowi555 built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:47, 1 reply)

Oh I lied...
So many times to my mother, god bless her soul.

When I was in high school, my group of friends was, to be kind, rather unruly. We would skip our classes because the sun was shining, because it's raining, snowing, wind blowing hard or air too still. Nothing going on at school held much importance to us, so we would meet in the parking lot, then off on some adventure.

Anyway, I lied a lot.

I would also tell my mother I was spending the night next door, and go off to the city with people my parents would cringe at knowing I even associated with. I was adventurous and experimental when I was younger, and a simple lie was not going to stand in my way.

I now have 3 children of my own, and if they did half the things I did when their age, I would be mortified.

So, off to hell I go!
(The Lunatic Artist throws paint to the wind, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:47, 2 replies)

i'm on my way there.
i borrowed my sisters quilt because it was cold in my room.
i then lost my virginity on it.

and put it back in her room once i'd finished

she still doesn't know.

.
(i eat crayons, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:40, 2 replies)