I'm a bit skint
And live the other side of the world to my family. So I emailed this to my dad along with an appeal for funds



Would that do it?
(Visionaryofthe1980s www.myspace.com/visionariesofthe1980s, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 3:24, 4 replies)

Make room for me...
...in Hell please, cos it looks like it's gonna be filled up at this rate.

I figure I'll liven my post up and do an explanation of why I've broken nearly every single commandment of the Roman Catholic variety. So here goes.

- I don't believe in God. I put my faith in science. That's number 1 done (No other Gods or idols)

- I've sworn at a priest. In my defence, I didn't realise he was a priest, and I was pissed and being a yob. Also pissed underage, if that adds to my tally of general sinfulness. That's commandment number 2 as I shouted out God damn! after finding out he was a priest. Then again, I say that almost every day but that was the most memorable event. (Wrongful use of your God's name)

- I don't keep the sabbath holy or remember it. So thats the third commandment broken.

- I tend not to honour my parents that much. My biological dad has cut off contact with me for 20 years, so I don't honour the bastard, and my mum deliberately starts fights with me, so whilst I do respect her for giving birth to me and raising me and providing me with shelter, etc for 18 years, I tend not to honour what she's become. (Commandment 4, honour thy parents, has been broken)

- Killed small animals. Namely rats and mice and pigeons. Does that count as murder? (Commandment 5, thou shalt not murder)

- Had sex in a graveyard. Had sex next to small children (Not mine) in a park (Was unaware said park was occupied, as it was fairly early in the morning), I've had sex with my best male mate when my second best mate was in the room at the time, and asleep on the floor, and engaged in adultery. Willingly. Although it did start off ala the Graduate. (That's definitely Commandment 6 broken)

- Stolen numerous DVDs off people. And chocolate off people as well. (Commandment 7, thou shalt not steal, has been pathetically broken.)

- I've never been required to bear witness against my neighbour. At least, not that I'm aware of. So unfortunately Commandment 8 still stands for me.

- I have coveted my neighbours wife at times. I have also coveted my neighbours possessions and general life style. And recently, I have also coveted my neighbour (technically speaking it's one of my housemates but her room is next to mine, so she's my neighbour, sorta), so thats Commandments 9 and 10 broken.

So I'm doomed, I guess. Fucksocks.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 3:20, 1 reply)

What was it that Machiavelli said?
"I desire to go to hell, not heaven. In the former I shall enjoy the company of princes, kings and popes; but in the latter, only beggars, monks and apostles".
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 3:09, 2 replies)

Anyone Irish and over 35?
I nearly got expelled from school for dancing on a school trip, unfortunately it was on this...

www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=6522708

Straight to hell...
(knackerz is skinning up, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:56, 1 reply)

I was going to heaven.
I was a christian for the first 15 years of my life. A Hardcore one too - no sex before marriage, being gay is evil, virgin birth, the whole package.

Then, age 15, I decided to sit down and read the Bible through, properly. Not just looking at the passages we'd studied at Bible group. The idea was that it would help me grow in my faith - having a greater understanding of the Bible could only strengthen my faith, right?

Not really. I read some interesting passages about the rules of rape, the protocols of feminine subjugation and the policies of God. I read the entire Bible through - yes, even the endless lists of names in Chronicles. when I had finished, I concluded that the bible was a great steaming pile of misogynistic, oppressive, archaic wank. At this point I started thinking very hard about my faith, especially in relation to science. That was the night that I realised I was an atheist. Since becoming atheist, I've been happier than I ever was as a christian.

Unfortunately that doesn't go down so well with my extremely Christian family. There's nothing quite like knowing your parents believe that you're going to burn in Hell for eternity. Which raises the question - surely Heaven can't exist, because what sort of Heaven is it when you know your children are being tortured for eternity?


Since realising my atheistic tendencies, I've had a lot of premarital sex.

Locations include:

In a graveyard. Twice. Sin? Check.

On a children's playground. Twice. Sin? Check.

Less than 2m away from a good friend of mine (who is still somehow unaware). In my defence... I was a very drunk teenager. Sin? Check.

Yet at 17, I've been in a monogamous relationship with the same person for 2 years - which is a better track record than a lot of Christians I know. Not bad for the immoral atheist whore.


I've been drunk in a church. Sin? Check.

I have no problem with gay people, I support equality for all - whether you be male female gay straight black white or purple, I eat shellfish, I have premarital sex, I have committed the Unforgivable Sin, I swear, I blaspheme, I've lied, i question authority, I wear jewellery and makeup, I believe in evolution and dinosaurs, I don't act unclean when I'm on, I don't cover my hair.

In short, I'm a great big parcel of sin en route to Hell.

Except the best part? I'm not. Because it doesn't exist. Of course, that didn't stop all of my christian friends cutting all contact with me, condemning me as an evil heathen whore.

So fuck you, Hell.

DISCLAIMER: I'm well aware that not all christians are insane. I have no problem with christians who keep their faith to themselves without pushing it on me or the education system.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:42, 10 replies)

Not me
If those priests get away with it, I'm in there!
(Lord Lucan, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:32, Reply)

Today was in Cathedral, skiving from job
Reserve this action plan for desperate measures. Today was episode 3, after working nearby for 10+ years.

Tried to light votive but wind from church door interfered.

*Damn* was the automatic response. Spoken LOUD.

Then prayed without belief.

And didn't make donation for candle.

Can there be any doubt as to state of my soul (if it exists)?

{cue crackly flames}
( cackers, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:28, Reply)

one from my brother

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:21, Reply)

I have spent the last 5 months deep in the bible belt.
More churches than people, every school it seems is named after some saint or other, every person it seems is a good, god fearing, clean living, church going, charity act performing, lamb of god and do you know what?

I would fucking love to be one of them.

The sense of community among these people is amazing. The way they act to each other, the respect, the kindness the charity. I have been welcomed into the homes of people who barely know me where I have been fed, watered and treated like a member of the family.

Yet I can never be one of them, because everything they believe is based on a massive lie, a big heap of bollocks spouted thousands of years ago, because people are too scared of the idea that their lives are nothing but an act of random chance, so cling to the hope of a higher purpose.

If it was just that, a blind faith, I could do it, I could be one of them, but its not, it is so much more. Less than 100 years ago it was black people who were denied basic rights, then it was (and still is) women, now its gays all in the name of god. People deny themselves the joys of sex, the most primal of urges and people deny it to themselves because they think a bloke on a cloud gets upset. Intelligent people, who preach love and peace still back the war on terror because the bible says 'an eye for an eye'.

Which brings me to my point.

Hell cant be that bad, after all it will be full of cool and interesting people:

Princess Di: Who shagged many people outside of gods holy state of matrimony, including a dirty non god-fearing Arab or two.

Hitler: Not cool, but but you better believe he would be interesting.

Gandhi: Well if we are talking about a Christian heaven & hell, he wont be there will he?

Freddy Mercury: for being a bummer.

Winston Churchill: Severe gluttony.

Etc etc. More to the point it will be full of people like me who would probably die of shock all over again if he found there is a heaven and hell. We could talk about how stupid and cynical we all were.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:17, 3 replies)

Scaring the God Botherers
Whilst dossing at university, three of us were sitting around watching videos in the afternoon, drinking beer, as was our usual routine in the early nineties. Anyway, there was a knock at the door, and we peeked round the curtains (checking it was not Mr Singh the land lord), and saw what was obviously two bible punchers. Being bored, we decided to have a laugh....

I open the door as normal and let them in, claiming to be extremely interested in discovering Jesus and my personal salvation. Sitting them down on the only two chairs in my room, I head off to the kitchen to make some tea before our big chat on religion.

Whilst "making tea" my mate Karl strips down to his underpants, squirts tomato sauce all over his head, face and body, before writing "I love Satan" on his chest with a marker pen. He then grabs a large carving knife, and heads back into my room to sit on the floor in front of the god squad boys, refusing to speak and staring at them in a sinister fashion.

Next my mate Gary, who has been upstairs slipping into stockings and suspenders, bra and panties (allegedly from a "Gender Bender" party at one of the halls of residence) minces in, sitting next to Karl, looking up at the bible thrashers in his lingerie.

In the meantime, I quickly use half a dozen old cardboard boxes to construct a "Devil Robot" costume, including "helmet" made of a box with eye holes cut in it, Devil Robot written on the chest, 666 on the helmet and so on. I then struggle back into my room in the robot costume, carrying a tray of tea and biscuits.

We all continue as if nothing is unusual, and I ask them to tell us more about God. As you may well imagine, the jesus creepers look more than a little unnerved, being faced with a satanic knife murderer, a transvestite and a devil robot. Fair play to them though, they finished their tea (fairly quickly), chucked us a couple of leaflets and fucked off.

We were cracking up afterwards imagining them recounting their experience to the other disciples back at the altar boy shagging clinic.

Surely, hellbound for us.....
(Mandrill, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:05, 1 reply)

Rudolf Zoidberg
I don't believe it - Not ONE full day on QOTW and there are already SEVEN pages. A lot of baaad people in here. Please make room, as HALF of the office I work in will soon be joining you lot.

We have an engineer that has Ectrodactyly, or "Lobster Claw Syndrome".... already you pick up where this is going. (In fact, i had never even heard it called the latter until I was looking up the correct name in wikipedia just then.)

I was taken aback when I first heard this guy referred to as Dr Zoidberg. You couldn't help but laugh at the phrase. Even when someone commented, "We're all going to hell."
Then came the "woo woo woo woo..."

What took me by surprise even more some weeks later was when he was referred to as "Rudolf Zoidberg"... although though the comment passed many feet over my head, I just knew it was going to be bad. I had to ask for an explanation.

"Well, you know when he reclines back at his desk and he puts his hands behind his head...?"

And in that instant it hit me - I had seen it many times but the thought had never crossed my mind. And then it was painfully obvious.

"Looks like antlers"



Tickets Please...
(Sir Jester, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 2:01, Reply)

My mate Bill is a Catholic...
... something I rib him for relentlessly, being of a Dawkinsian persuasion.

I made some remark about it that ended in me calling him "Pope Bill" to which he took some offence.

"Well," he said. "Would the Pope do this?" He then proceeded to 'flip me the bird' in a very proud manner.

"Maybe," I said. "If there was an altarboy on the end of his finger..."
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 1:44, 2 replies)

Hmmm.
Do any of the following count?

- reading The God Delusion
- only going to chapel when necessary (ie, war when I'm one of those being shot at)
- masturbation

I'm sure that there are more.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 1:32, 3 replies)

whilst still at school
i had sex with my then girlfriend during religion class (we were up the back of the class, if it helps) instead of learning about famous religious women throughout history.

um. this is less 'going to hell' material and more 'slightly tacky schoolgirl hijinks' i think?
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 1:30, Reply)

I'm a bad bad person
My dad had his 50th birthday party at his church hall - I guess he got good rates or something being great mates with the vicar.

So my brother and I were charged with helping the setting up. We needed to get some extra seating and so headed into the church to get some (the church had nice comfy seats rather than the puritanical pews most traditional churches go for).

However, as these chairs were rarely moved they had been fastened together, which my brother and I were unaware of. So when we tried to pick one up the whole row of about 30 chairs came tumbling after. "B8LL8CKS" says I "FCUK" screams my bro.

Then we paused waiting for our smiting. Obviously that I am able to write this story shows God was feeling more devious this day.

After setting up the hall for our beloved father and our Good Deed making us feel all warm and fuzzy, my bro, his girlfriend and I did what any other normal late-teens-early-20s would do when faced with an evening faced with having to meet old family friends and stories of being *this* big last I was seen: We downed a bottle of Smirnoff and smoked a few biftas.

We were feeling rather cheerful when, upon arriving at the party we discovered no one was drinking the wine or any of the other free booze we had laid out only a few hours previously. So we had that away as well.

So there we were steaming drunk (amongst other things) in the church hall - maybe it would be best if we were to keep our heads down??

Nope - I try to start a fight with one of my Dad's best mates.

I think I feel most guilty that I left early, but I think it was definitely for the best.

You might think the length is extreme - but eternity in hell is longer :(
(plasticpole, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 1:03, Reply)

Freshers Fair this year...
... and I spot a group giving out quarters of smoked salmon filled bagels. I sidle over and make tedious but obligatory chit-chat while I greedily stuff my face; "so, are you a sandwich company or something?"

They were from the Manchester Christian Union. I accepted a free bible and got out of there quick-smart.
(GrimbleGromble, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 0:09, 4 replies)

You swines....
I'd blanked this out.... I must be because of this it's only now popped up again, and I blame you all...

Geography field trip. 14 years old (and looked like I was 8). I'm 37 now, and I still look like I'm 8 (no shorts anymore though)

i drank 4 pints of scrumpy and climbed out of the youth hostel window because i was drunk and my mind wasn't working no honest mister i missed the loos i didn't know they were there....

And then I threw up on the poet John Ruskin's grave.

Oops, my bad...
(Chevron71 is oscillating wildly...., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:57, 3 replies)

I once...
...shagged a working girl between the shrubs and the wall of some church in Barbados.
(thanatos, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:52, Reply)

Last month at a Funeral
I was in the Chapel listening to the Vicar give his obituary. It was a tense and sad moment for everyone
All was well with me until he said "We would like to thank the Lord for the life of Brian"

That did it, I had a fit of the giggles, Monty Python references kept on popping into my head,the vicar all of sudden sounded like John Cleese,Quotes from the film were also popping into my head. and whilst trying to calm down and block it out all I could imagine was the nude organist playing behind the curtain.

And the Coup de grâce?
the final music to walk out of the chapel to was 'Always look on the bright side of life'

I nearly pissed myself laughing.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:34, 2 replies)

Might I go to hell for all the years of wanking?
Most probably.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:30, Reply)

might be in trouble here
Lust (Latin, luxuria) - misskitty - minx! MM - cheekbones you could do yourself a mischief on. the empress - blimey! and only thixteen! crackhouseceilidhband - concentrated ginger filth. teh kittens erm, lets move on...

Gluttony (Latin, gula) - cake cake cake!

Greed (Latin, avaritia) - MORE CLICKS! MORE MORE

Sloth (Latin, acedia) urgent deadline - yeah but lets see whos gazzed first

Wrath (Latin, ira) that boat cunt! GRRRR

Envy (Latin, invidia) Pooflake the punmeister general.

Pride (Latin, superbia) I make best of regularly. oh yes. i'm veh veh funny

win?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 23:12, 2 replies)

I shagged
a girlfriend from Uni during her Parents 40th. In the ballroom where the do was happening, in full view of of 200 blissfully unaware people, mostly obscure elderly relatives. She sat on me with a large skirt on and we moved ever so slowly. We even had conversations with passing relatives. I managed to come whilst staring at a group of old women eating sausage rolls. When I finished, a few minutes after she got off me, she coughed, and i noticed a little bit of spunk splattered on the floor. You didnt need that bit of detail did you?

Oh and I once walked in on my grandparents having sex and stayed just a few seconds too long.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:54, 3 replies)

Does....
Writing 'Best wishes, Jesus' on the inside cover of every copy of the bible I find left in a hotel room count?
(El Fandango carved a big EF onto his nemesis' doublet on .., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:40, 3 replies)

this seems apt
www.morepopularthanjesus.com/
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:39, 2 replies)

My brother's fiance
asked me to help plan their wedding. She's about 3 1/2 feet shorter than my brother.

I convinced her that she needed a beautifully decorated, sanctified box to stand on during the service. "Before the eyes of God, not under them," was the key phrase there.

The last I heard from her, she was looking up "marriage boxes" on Amazon.

Maybe not enough to send me to hell, but pretty damn evil. :D
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:30, 1 reply)

Not quite sure if this is enough to send me to hell...
...but I was probably persona non grata in the Vatican for a while.

I spent a few months on the dole back in 2005. The only distraction from the tedium of filling out endless application forms for shitty admin jobs was the running saga of when Pope John Paul II would go for his meeting with the boss.

"Why not combine the two?" though I.

So, two days before the Pope actually died I sent off a CV and a very polite covering letter to the Vatican applying for the soon to be vacant position. I told them all about my art degree (which would be handy for talking about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel) and that I once did a night course in carpentry, a bit like that Jesus bloke.

I even told them that I had already chosen my Pope name: Pope Shakin' Stevens I.

Buggers never invited me in for an interview.

I wasn't too popular down the Jobcentre either when I put this down on my list of what I had done to find work in the past fortnight.
(Dai Napoleon, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:24, Reply)

Complete lack of belief
and athletic ability. My Dad used to save time at school parents' evenings by catching the eye of the RE and PE teachers from the back of the queue of parents. They would then just shake their heads mournfully, and my father would move gratefully onwards.

My take on the resurrection (aged 12): "Well, he can't have really been dead then can he? How can we trust the medical knowledge of a bunch of primitive people 2000 years ago?"

But I did believe in UFOs, psychic powers and pyramids. What a dumbass.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:22, 1 reply)

In my lifetime
...I've done the old trick of writing "All the best, Love God" in hotel Gideons.

I've also urinated against a church while drunk. In my defence I didn't realise it was a church until after my casual nod and "alright?" to a passing vicar while doing up my flies afterwards.

But my most Hellish moment was while trying to get with a good Christian girl a few years ago. No, it's not going down that route. I'd tried to play the good boy card, hiding a large portion of my record collection, stopping masturbation (that one was tough) and generally trying to be the best I could according to the rules of her chosen faith. Like I said, trying to get with her. Anyway, it got to the point where her parents would trust us to be alone together, and we sat down to watch a movie.

The Passion Of The Christ.

Now, thankfully, this was before the recut video that appeared in the b3ta newsletter yonks ago (the one sped up and set to the Benny Hill theme) but I still felt the lure of the dark side. I survived the Pointius Pilate scenes with barely a grin. I suppressed a titter when Jesus carried the cross to Calvary. However, as he's crucified to death, and the single drop of rain falls, I couldn't help myself.

"A-a-a-and...always look on the bright side of life!"

It didn't last very long after that.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:20, Reply)