In my last job
My chairman was the most IT illiterate person I had ever met. Bearing in mind this is a 68 year old, very shouty greek bloke (named Spiros) with a temper as long as his (probably) tiny cock. I suffered questions such as:

WHAT ARE ALL THESE PICTURES ON THE TV?
(translation: Desktop icons. What are they? Why do I have them? Why does X down the corridor have more than me? I want more of them. People seem to have a lot and I have only got 7).

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES ON THE TV GETTING SMALLER?
(trans: The gas arm holding his 28" TFT was slowly moving away from his seated position. It really was a distance/perspective issue)

MAKE THIS WORK! (handing me a DVD titled Asian Fuckholes Vol7)

MY PHONE DOES NOT WORK (he called me to tell me this)

WHEN I AM AT HOME I CANNOT GET MY EMAIL
(trans: I left my laptop in the office)

Etc.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 13:15, 3 replies)

IT is so much duller, now there's less use of hammers...
I hate working in IT, hate it with a passion, especially since it all became so incredibly dull and mundane. Back when all of this was just fields and the internet was still but a wet dream, real computers needed hammers. My first field service toolkit contained a large rubber headed hammer. It was for fixing the 40MB hard drive of new fangled 286 desktop. The disks were faulty, because the lubricant for the heads would seize up when cold, which happened if people turned the thing off overnight. Solution, switch it on, leave it 5 mins to start warming up a bit and hit the case with the hammer. Head frees up, disk works. You could fix it by dropping the PC a couple of inches to get the same jolt, but the hammer was so much more satisfying.

The other hammer application was on a very old server, a Ferranti Argus, for the nerds. It had teletype terminals instead of screens, Joe 90 reel to reel half-inch tape units on the front, hexadecimal keypads for programming startup registers and lots of flashing lights. This controlled the Command and Control system for a police force, so it was a dual system, with disks controlled by one CPU and the other on hot-standby. The change over was by magnetic relays, which, if they hadn't been tested in a while, would stick, hence the inclusion of a little hook on the rear door of the system with a handy hammer hanging from it to beat the relays until the all clunked over.

The bastard IT Support, got my MCSE from a cornflake packet, 'Engineers', can barely even wield a screwdriver nowadays, let alone a hammer. Pussies.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 13:14, 9 replies)

Can't remember her own fucking name
The caller's name is Jean Barnes (Name changed to protect the stupid)

Jean "I can't get my e-mail, it wants a password & I don't know what it is"

Me "Hold on, I'll look it up......Oh! Actually it's jeanbarnes, no spaces"

Jean "How is that spelled"

Me "!!!! j e a n b a r n e s !!!!"

Jean "I won't be able to remember that, I'd better write it down"
(RichardInSydney would like to know why teh date & time is, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 13:05, 10 replies)

Priorities
Like most Helpdesk operatives, I have a million stories of idiocy (mine and the users) but there's one which stands out a mile in terms of a user's priorities being slightly askew to the rest of us...

About 3 years ago I was out of the office on a particularly windy day. On my way back in the afternoon, dodging lorries tipping over on the motorway, I received a call from a colleague. Their point was succinct:

"The roof's blown off the building so we're moving everybody. Hurry up"

And that's literally what was happening. A 5-metre square piece of roofing had been blown off in the wind, so we were hastily moving users into another office (which luckily was being prepared to house them anyway, in light of the knackered state of said roof).

When I arrived, I was met by a traumatic scene. Dozens of people, mainly women, carrying anything they could lay their hands on; files, coats, even the occasional PC, while the big lads from the warehouse lugged the desks from one office to the other.

In the end, the whole process only took 4 hours, in which time we set up desks, connected power and network and repatched the telephones. Everyone was understanding about the time it was taking us (3 of us to reconnect 40+ machines/phones). Except one lady.

Whilst knee deep in cables on a grubby floor, she came over and began to complain that her PC "wasn't right". I looked round to see if one of the others could help her but they weren't available. She then began loudly complaining about how she couldn't work like this, and her face generally took on the guise of a slapped arse. I therefore dropped everything and went across the office to see what the problem was.

The problem? Her desktop PC had been put down on the wrong side, so the power button was too near the floor and she couldn't reach it to turn on/off from her seat.

It hadn't even been connected to the power at the time...
(titusyouclown, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 12:42, 2 replies)

Dull but true.
We recently changed our email software from from "MS mail" to "Notes".

I am in my lab along with my boss called Gary (who is a nasty right wing shit whom I hate) and a few students. Gary is meant to be teaching the new students a few research techniques.

Without warning our IT technician, Vijay comes in and asks for my password so that he can changed something on the server so that I can access the new "Notes" system.

"I cant tell you my password with all these people here" I say but I am already going bright red.

"S'kay" says techncian "just change it to something new in about 30 minutes"

"I'll write it down for you" says I.
I find a piece of scrap paper and write out "GARY is a CUNT"

Vijay doesnt even blink, takes paper and goes off to do his job.

about 25 minutes later I get an email from Vijay- no message just a title "YES, he is"
(bugboybeast, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 12:35, 7 replies)

A few years ago I spent some time at a Hungarian university, where the only available computers were in the library.
You only got one hour at a time on them and nobody seemed to have their own computers. There were long queues.

I soon worked out how to 'reserve' one for a mate: I'd lean round the back and loosen the monitor cable. It'd go off, an 'Out Of Order' sign would go on it and the university's one technician would be booked for a visit a week on Thursday.

Meantime, my mates and I would use it, being careful to replace the sign afterwards. Result!

Nobody ever challenged us. Probably far too busy making the most of their measly one hour of Hotmail and porn a day to notice our strange Western European shenanigans.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 12:23, Reply)

A pea-roast from me....
www.b3ta.com/questions/intensefriendships/post59034


I'm a computer programmer...
... intense friendship is anyone who talks to me. I'm good friends with the 60year old cleaning lady who empties my bin. She needs someone to talk to as well.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 12:16, 1 reply)

The Mug.
My old IT Manager was a great bloke. His name was Chris and he was an avid Arsenal supporter, he commuted to Salisbury from London everyday and was always perky and happy to help - I assume he was always perky because of the vast amount of coffee he consumed on a daily basis, and that swiftly brings me onto his coffee mug. As Chris was a monster Arsenal supporter, he had a monster Arsenal mug; this thing was HUGE and you usually knew what desk he was working at when you saw THE MUG. Now about a month after the mug had been introduced it started going walkabout. Due to its gargantuan size some of the guys in the office had taken a shine to it so started stealing it from the kitchen in the mornings and using it themselves… this made Chris rather upset.

Sorting out my computer one afternoon I asked Chris where his mug was, he told me someone in the phones office had it. I asked him if it pissed him off that people kept taking it and he said it was driving him nuts but he didn’t want any confrontation about it - he was actually considering buying a replacement. I thought that was ridiculous and told him as much and said he should just tell the guys to buy their own sodding mugs and take it back. He pondered this suggestion, said he would have a think and sulked off back to his cupboard. The next day I came back in from lunch to the sound of raised voices in the phones office. I wandered in to find Chris holding his mug triumphantly in the air laying into a guy called Steve. Chris was going ballistic at him. Spit flying freely from his open mouth, eyeballs bulging, forehead reddening, finally he stormed off out of the office slamming the door behind him. I asked what had just happened and everyone started telling me how Chris had just snapped at Steve because he found him drinking out of his beloved mug. Feeling very guilty I snuck back to my desk and hid.

Five minutes later I received an email from Chris… Subject heading: Thank you. Feeling highly embarrassed I opened up the email and read what Chris had to say. Turns out he had taken my advice. He had pulled Steve to the side earlier in the day and asked him if he wouldn’t mind telling people not to use his mug anymore… Steve agreed but decided that the guys probably wouldn't listen to him either and hatched a plan for Chris to go mental at him in front of everyone, thus nailing the point home that Chris was a bad ass and not to be fucked with. Well it bloody worked, and office gossip as it was, by the end of the week the accounts team had been told that Chris had apparently beaten Steve in the face with his mug and verbally bashed everyone in the office. From then on no one took his mug and it was always clean and in the cupboard when Chris wanted it. :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:56, 6 replies)

Most dangerous thing I;ve done in IT
A few years back I was doing some temp work at a school scavaging a room full of old PC's for parts. It was alot of fun. Me, left alone in a room full of old PC's, cables, equipemnt and random crap. Ripping the guts out of PC's creating piles of RAM, HD's, dvd/cd/floppy drives, cables etc. Lots of fun making sure all the equipment too old to use wouldn't be used by anyone else (Hammer time!).

Then came the dangerous bit. Testing the power packs. Was told to plug em into the wall and see if they work or not. Fun. Have you every plugged a power pack in and have it blow on you? Sizzling electric sound. Sparks. Big pop. Lots of smoke. Distinct odour of burning plastic. Repeat 20 times. After the 1st blown power pack I started using a broken wooden chair leg to turn them on. I swear that leg had burn marks on it by the time I had finished.

The next day I found myself actualy enjoying gluing the mouse covers onto the mice to stop the kids from nicking em to throw at each other.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:54, Reply)

Here's a tale from a couple of years back:
We were installing an urgent upgrade to the mainframe. Management had given this job the highest priority, which completely stopped all work on improving the new fuel line de-icer which was meant to be bringing in the money.

You see, it was a morality module to stop her flooding the enrichment centre with neurotoxins.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:48, 6 replies)

I had a summer job in IT support at my local hospital when I was a student.
I am not a computery person at the best of times.

It took me five weeks to realise that we had two different makes of terminal with an "on" button in a correspondingly different place. Ho hum.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:30, Reply)

I used to work in a Town Hall
There were four of us in an office, split into two teams.

The other team had a new investment computer installed. My boss was initiated into its mysteries as a back-up user, but I was considered too lowly to be considered. They did not even tell me about it. Several people were on the back-up list including the Assistant Treasurer and a guy who was supposed to be the floor's technical chief.

One lunchtime I was alone in the office and the above two came in to familiarise themselves with the computer while it was quiet. They sat down and I carefully ignored them as nobody had invited me to take an interest and my nose was a tad out of joint to say the least. They had been there for at least five minutes when one of them turned to me and said, "Whiskas, do you know how to turn this on?"

I reached round the back, found the switch and returned to my seat. Afterwards, I told as many people as possible.
.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Thought for the day
When everyone in the office knows that you're playing hide the sausage with one of the secretaries behind your girlfriends back, don't act like a wanker to the IT person. They'll set Outlook to auto-BCC all your emails to said secretary to the girlfriend as well.
(davywavy, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:02, 2 replies)

"All my email has disappeared"
This is a genuine conversation I had with a colleague about 4 years ago
Me: Hmm, OK, we've got it all backed up so that's not a problem, but why has it all gone? And your inbox seems to have some mail in it. Where's the problem?

"All the email I'd filed has gone. There's thousands of important emails in there. This is ridiculous."

Where? You don't have any folders in your inbox - did you delete a whole folder?

"No - I press this X button on the email and it files it in this folder here..."

The 'Deleted Items' folder?

"Yes. Whatever it's called. Stop asking stupid questions: where has my email gone?"

That, dear reader, is left as an exercise for the student...
( chthonic, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:58, 3 replies)

Slightly related
I'm sure the guy this is about will read this, so hello Ferret, and sorry if I cock up your story.

To maintain some anonymity for the organisations involved I will use cryptic terms to describe them.

While working on a website for a certain House that deals with Companies my friend Ferret was doing some testing. This involved working on an offline test copy of the database and website that contained all of the data. Unfortunately for my friend he was in fact inadvertantly working on the live version of said website and database.

Which is why for about 15 minutes he was officially the top bod at a very large and well known international banking organisation.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Forgotten password within 10 seconds?
I have worked in ICT Support for the last 10 years and I have so many stories! I won't bore you with most of them, but one that literally just occurred made me laugh. I can understand some people "not being technical" but sometimes all common sense and basic intelligence disappears too!

user - I've been to my password expires but can't remember the old one
me - but didn't you just type the old one in, for it to be accepted and ask you to change to a new one?
user - yes, but by having to think of a new one, I've forgotten the old one

Seriously, she typed it 5 seconds before she was told it had expired, and she couldn't remember it!?

I'm sure I'll post more over the next week, lots of short ones though not a big long one (as always, apologies for length, or lack of it!)
(mr_spongmonkey, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:47, 3 replies)

overpaid idiots..
The 'elf and safety' Nazis told us that we were not allowed to prop up our monitors with the abundant supply of old tech manuals (working in a University IT department means there are no shortage of these!), so we just wrapped a blank sheet of A4 around the front, and drew a crude computer on it - 'ON' button, cd slot and so forth...
Following week *very* expensive contractor sits at this particular desk and after a while turns to me to complain the PC wont turn on...
Yup, you guessed it.. he was pressing the paper 'on' button.
Sadly this was not just his 'first day nerves' as this well illustrated his skill level. He did'nt last very long but still he managed to earn my annual salary in his three months with us.

so, not all bad then, eh ?
(wonkyspud woo, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:43, Reply)

What the FUCK does it all MEAN???
A woman in my office was told she could accessorize her laptop by the IT guy. She was overjoyed. She came in the next day and had painted flowers and bees and all types of girlie shit all over the fucker. The IT fella took one look at the machine, which looked like some kind of forgotten relic from Woodstock and stammered: “I meant you could add your own software if you liked...”

This is for the IT bods – how I, as your average computer illiterate fuckwit, view a few of the computer terms I’ve just found in one of the handbooks I found lying round the office:-

ACCESSORIES: Incudes earrings, bracelets, beads, baubiles, hand bags, and navel and clitoral piercings.
ACTIVE WINDOW: This term is used to discribe an open window, thus allowing the regular flow of fresh air to circulate round the office.
BAUD RATE: The time it takes to nod off when the IT expert person is attempting to impart their wisom (which in my office usually involves being told why Buffy the Vampire Slayer would kick the shit out of Superman in a bare knuckle fight).
BIOS: Fuck knows – something to do with chemical warfare?
BIT: You end up like this when you try and stroke a squirrel in Regents Park. Those little fuckers look cute but have got the mentality and voracity of a fucking rotweiler on PCP.
BOOT: An item of footware or the act of kicking something very hard.
BUG: A sort of insect.
BYTE: To eat something, as in ‘to have a’. If you pig out in a Rick Waller kind of way, this is called a Megabyte.
CACHE: Moola, spondoolicks, currency, cool-hard-orgasm-inducing MONEY.
CARD: Something you get your mum on mother’s day.
CASCADING MENU: When you go to one of those dead fancy restaurants (the sort where they don’t have the list of food on the wall), they give you one of these. Takes a degree in geometry to figure out how to unfold the fucker; worse than tackling an AA road map.
CLIENT: What prostitutes have, usually members of parliment, the clergy, or my Uncle Gino.
CLONE: Never to be mentioned, as in ‘Attack of the’, a shameful, terrible period in everyone’s life that needs to be purged from the soul, possibly by means of exorcism.
CONNECTION: What happens when you go out and meet someone and exchange telephone numbers which, with any luck, will lead to a frank and thorough exchange of bodily fluids at some later date.
CPU: Something about getting a kick out of watching other people urinate.
DEFAULT: This is how Ali G, or the entire population of London under the age of sixteen, would tell you that you are to blame for something.
DOS: To mess about or generally be a lazy cunt.
DRAG (as in mouse): Dressing a small rodent up to look like Shirley Bassey.
DRIVER: What rich people have so they can get smashing out of their faces on coke and booze and not have to get the tube home afterwards.
FIREWALL: Fuck knows... Sounds impressive, though. Probably the codename for the stealth fighter or something else butch and manly.
FREEWARE: Items of clothing you steal or have given to you, such as hand-me-downs (doesn’t work too well when you’ve got an older sister, that one). Routing through bags left outside charity shops also technically counts as freeware (but if you find some grundies I recommend you wash the crusty gussetmarks out first before slipping them on).
HARDWARE: What happens when you put too much starch in your wash, you need to pannel beat your pants with a hammer before you can put them on in the morning.
ICON: Usually gay, like George Michael or that fella on that Dr Who spin off thing who’s always getting arrested in Cardiff for being pissed off his tits.
LOSSY COMPRESSION: Dunno... got a mental picture of that famous dog from those old films being trapped in some kind of industrial crushing device.
NETWORK: Essential for fishermen.
POP-UP: Ho! Ho! Ho! nudge, nudge, wink, wink...
RAM: A male sheep. Or the act of engaging in very forceful sexual intercourse, ‘to RAM’ one’s cocker-spaniel in and out of the moneyslot vigorously.
SERVER: Something to do with tennis.
SPAM: A type of tinned meat popular with vagrants and people who watch daytime television.
SPYWARE: X-ray spectacles that allow you to see boobies and other interesting bits (Caution: not to be used in old peoples homes or primary schools).
TCP: Anticeptic – comes in cream or liquid form. Tastes better than most spirits currently available on the market.
UNZIP: Requirment just prior to having a piss or a wank. Note: Never attempt to piss and wank at the same time, just about fucking impossible and hurts like a muthafucka if you actually manage it.
WARM BOOT: Footware that has recently been removed and left to air.

Suppose what it boils down to is this: different people do different jobs. I'm apparently an expert at what I do, so I'll leave it to other people, the experts, to sort out my computer-related twattery...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:31, 6 replies)

I was second in command to Mike
The name on his birth certificate was Mike, but everyone knew him as "cunt Mike". He was IT Director, and we were going through the transition from dumb terminals to PC's. He'd managed to get some 286 PC's with math coprocessor's for the bean counters at about 3 grand each, so that they could piss around with spreadsheets more efficiently.

Myself and Mike were coming out of a meeting, when we met the finance director in the corrider. The FD said, "Mike - thanks for the PC's - they are stunning, but it would be very helpful if we could get a mouse each".

"Each?" screached Mike - "I don't think I can get you one each. I'll get you one between two." The FD and I looked at each other bemused.

He seriously went about getting one mouse between two finance s-sheet jockies and getting them fixed up to a switch-box, so that if either of the users wanted to use it they first had to switch between A or B ports on the box.

He thought it hilarious. I learned a lot from him.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:05, Reply)

I worked in IT and have a decent tale to tell so I hope this fits in with this weeks QOTW
This post could get me into a lot of trouble so I will try and keep things as anonymous as possible.

From an early age I was interested in computers, maybe because they were a new fangled technology at the time (70’s). My aim to create a game company was a hard one and I took time working as a software engineer for a big corporation while staying after hours to fart around with my own work (Which I rather stupidly stored on the company’s mainframe due to a lack of cash to afford a system at home). As I scraped to get the cash together my work was spotted by another engineer known as Ed.

Ed was a backstabbing asshole and would look at any chance to land someone in hot water and earn him brownie points with the bosses. He naturally saw a good opportunity in the situation and locked me out of the system, changed a few bits of the nearly finished game code I had created and presented it to the bosses as his own work.

I was crushed. I tried to prove it was my work and it all came to nothing, other than threats of a severe legal asskicking. I left the company, took up another job and abandoned all plans to continue in the games industry. Ed got a promotion.

Thankfully with a help from my mates I got a chance to break into the old company and attempt to retrieve the info I needed from the games I created. Sadly my first attempt failed but on my second attempt I got the info needed and Ed got his comeuppance. This was after an incident where I was digitised and had to fight people with a blue tinted electronic frisbee.

IT Support? You could say that I had some help from a bloke in blue spandex and this stupid flying thing that could only say Yes or No.

(Apologies for lack of lightcycle)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:58, 6 replies)

Just a thought
Not everyone is comfortable with computers, and some folk no doubt appear to be retarded when it comes to using one, but remember this: if we all had IT Staff levels of tech type knowledge, you wouldn't have a fucking job.

But to keep in the spirit of things, I saw a post on Yahoo or somesuch a while back asking how to make a monitor mirrored. The person had already tried to scan a fucking mirror. Belm.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:47, 5 replies)

The future of IT is bleak
Back in the late 90's. I was still a newb in the world of IT. But 2 things will stay with me.

The company I was working for at the time, probably does what it says on the tin, went through 2 IT managers in the space of 6 months.

First IT Lord and Master stated that the internet would never take off... this was 1998.

Second IT Lord and Master stated that DOS was the future of programming.

I beleive the set up there now is much more forward thinking.
(Keezer1977, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:47, Reply)

New IT guru boss arrives...
At the thoroughly dodgy net company I was working at and inspects the company showpiece, the glass encased driver room which juts into the foyer impressing the shit out of visitors.
There's screens lined up down the front of each stack, all playing the matrix screen saver and a bunch of servers and pcs all blinking away happily.
He goes in and starts to look around.
As we watch expectantly, he starts to speak:
"Erm... most of these (very expensive) boxes appear to do nothing but drive the screen savers? And teh USP is not connected to anything. And the entire room seems to be running off a bank of powerboards all plugged into one socket? And the aircon water reservoir is suspended over everything? And... and... at least five of these things are just downloading movies and music?"
Yes, he'd discovered the secret, that management didn't have a clue what they were signing for as long as it looked good.
Almost everything was running off one server, all the rest, at least two dozen and a couple of hundred thousand dollars worth of stuff, were our toys.
We waited... waited some more... then breathed a sigh of relief when he finally smiled.
The fun and games went on for at least another three years after that.
( difficultchild, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:45, Reply)

RX35 Switch
I work in IT support for the military, so if you read any further I will have to kill you.

A few years ago I was stationed on a large warship.

Now, you might expect IT security on the shipwide control system to be pretty tight, and indeed the firewalls to prevent external attacks are very secure (you don't really want some geek with a wireless laptop hacking in and controlling the ship lol), but if someone can actually get onto the ship, there are network ports all over which they can plug into and gain access to the whole control path.

One time when the ship pulled in a small vessel which was suspected of smuggling, the shit-for-brains marines failed to search it properly and a handful of ne'erdowells then sneaked aboard, plugged into the network, and proceded to arse around inside it. As well as mucking about with the data on the brig, thay also managed to blow a fuse on the waste control circuits, which meant I had to take a trip out all the way to home base to get a replacement RX35 switch from central stores.

As it turns out this was quite a lucky break, because while I was away this same bunch of chancers blew the whole ship up by firing some proton torpedos down the main reactor exhaust pipe.

Phew!
(Mystery_Machine, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:40, 6 replies)

Mouse stuck in the PC
I got a call from my mother one day saying that the PC in the kitchen was making some strange noises even when it was switched off, so off I went in a heroic IT experty kind of way, got there she said the cats were giving it some queer looks too. Took the case off and there was a mouse running around inside which took off like a greased pig. I absoulutely cacked my self at seeing this, really was'nt expecting that, it must have slipped in through the missing card slot at the back.
The cats nommed it up though.


I've just realised what a crap story that was, still true though.
(Daisho Arseholes everywhere I turn., Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:05, 6 replies)

Dell confusion
Temping for social services with lovely, well meaning, but IT illiterate and somewhat incompetent people...

Council decided to replace our old crappy computers with ones made by dell...

Not one, not two but three different people all of whom were middle management level or higher complained to me* that they couldn't turn their new computers on...

yep...

all three were all pressing the dell logo...

and all trusted with the care and protection of societies most vulnerable... ace.

*I was just a temp, not an IT person, just someone to do the crappy jobs no one else wanted, I know nothing of computers but can recognise the difference between a dell logo and an on switch...
(walked into a bar, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 8:41, Reply)

there's nothing more childish.....
than answering this week's QOTW with an answer from last week!

I'll get me coat!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 8:30, Reply)

Trading Floor Desktop Support
I got a call one morning from a senior trader who was fuming about his computer keyboard not working. I ran upstairs with a new one (no messing people around in this job, just get it fucking fixed) and had a quick look at it while he stood over me.

"Fucking fucker just stopped working this morning" he spluttered, angrily.

I was puzzled. His keyboard looked fine. Spotless in fact, compared to most of the grimy, crap-covered typers mashed daily by the sweaty hands of his trading team. I quickly checked the connections, all of which were snug. "Oh well, these things happen" I told him, unplugging the cable and setting up his new keyboard.

As I removed the old one, a torrent of cold brown coffee poured out all over my shirt and trousers.

"Fuck!" said the red-faced trader. "I thought I'd got it all".

The cunt had spilled his morning pick-me-up all over the desk, then attempted to clean up, going so far as to polish the keys to a shine to hide his mistake. Fortunately he apologised, paid for my dry cleaning and bought me many beers later in the week.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 8:12, Reply)

Mainframed
Many years ago, a 'friend' landed a prestigious 1 year industry placement with the manufacturing controls systems dept. of a global car manufacturer. No one in the history of getting this 3rd year placement had not been invited back full time post graduation.

He was generally well-liked by the other staff and entrusted by his colleagues one day to go and change the tapes in the mainframe, but only "after checking with HSG" (hardware support group - but like 'IT support'). "It's only changing tapes" thinks he, "No need to bother them".

Confidently in he went and started his routine. Unlock the cabinet with the tapes, delay the spooler, take off tape, replace tape, re-engage spooler, turn key for locking the cabinet.

When he walked back in to the control room he noticed all 75 or so colleagues staring at him open mouthed.

It was then he learned, through an Alex Ferguson style hair dryer rant from his boss, that the tapes were not locked. The key he had turned on and off was the power switch. For 9 country's computer controlled, 24 hour, robotic production systems. It was estimated that £9 million was lost in production delays.

He wasn't invited back after he graduated.
(prescottsflu infected you at, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 8:12, 4 replies)

I used to work on a helpdesk with a South African fella
and he would always, always, ALWAYS give users their new login credentials by phone as follows:

"Gud ofternoon sur, I'm hoppy to till you...

You're a CUNT...
...
...is riddy."

Pearoasted from the Call Centres QOTW, but I posted it really late so I doubt many people saw it first time round
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 7:40, 1 reply)