I think it's me....
...that is the worst housemate ever. The following is ALL absolutely true, much as I wish it wasn't. I'm not coping very well.

I work away from home during the week, necessitating me to find lodgings, something which I have never done before. I didn't fancy a flat, because I'm crap at being organised enough to pay lots of bills - one payment a month suits me fine, and anyway, I'd rather have some company.

I registered on one of the many "find a place to stay" websites, and viewed half a dozen (mostly) unsuitable rooms/landlords and was starting to despair of finding somewhere. Then, out of the blue, through the same website, I receive an email from Julie, inviting me to come and have a look at her spare room. I head over after work, and knock on the door; it's a nice house in a nice area. The door opens and there's Julie, tall, shapely, long dark hair, fabulous eyes and a smile to die for. The room's perfect, and she tells me she's 30, single, has been for 3 years; she's never had a lodger before but needs must. I can't believe my luck. We chat, have a laugh, seems this could be ideal, the deal is struck and I move in a week later.

I thought Julie was gorgeous, but being 13 years her senior and feeling that she was way out of my league anyway, I never held out any hope of anything other than having an attractive friend to hang out with. We get on great; she's started cooking for us both, which was not part of the original deal. I do little things for her around the house, clean & tidy etc. We spend the evenings watching TV and relaxing - it's all good. I fly home on fridays after work and come back on the sunday evening.

Then, one sunday 4 weeks in, having got off the plane, I receive a text from Julie; "Hiya pidge, when will you be back? Can you get me a bottle of wine on the way?". Julie likes a glass of wine in the evening, so this wasn't extraordinary. I duly turn up with a bottle of wine, and am greeted with a vey affectionate hug. "Thanks honey!" and she wiggles off into the front room. She's in her dressing gown, which again isnt unusual, most evenings she has a bath. I dump my bags, grab a cup of tea and sit down on the other sofa in the front room. After a while of sunday evening TV, Julie asks me "what do you think of me?"...gulp! what do I say? Do I maintain my dignity and keep my burning candle to myself? Or do I put myself up for rejection?

"I think you're very pretty, Julie, gorgeous in fact." She smiles, and we resume watching the box. After anothe half hour or so, Julie asks me about a female friend that I text regularly; "she's just a friend, I've known her for 20 years", I say. "What would you do if she wanted sex with you?" asks Julie. I'm a bit stunned. "I'd be horrified! She's a friend..! It would be weird...!" I reply, and mumble out some very unthought-out responses. Julie appears to mull this over. "What if someone offered you 'no-strings-sex', what would you do?" she enquires next... oh god! "Julie,quite honestly, that sort of thing just doesn't happen to me.. ". I'm feeling quite nervous now. "What if I offered you no-strings sex?" she says and stares at me intently....

My brain immediately turns to mush, my legs to jelly. The most gorgeous woman that I have quietly held a candle for is offering me a boy's dream. "I....err...um...." With that, she stands up, throws off her dressing gown to reveal her fabulous naked form, crosses the living room and jumps on me, kissing me passionately. It's heaven. We sleep together that night, and I spend the next couple of weeks sleeping in her bed. We cuddle & hug and the world is good. I'm feeling so good, after years of rejection.

Fast forward to the beginning of December this year, about 3 weeks after the events above. I return to Julie's house on a Sunday evening, greeting her with a hug. "Hello you! How's your weekend been?" I say. "Oh not bad! I went out clubbing on Saturday night and met a bloke, an italian guy, VERY sexy...." At that point the world stopped for me. "Eh?" Julie looks at me as though I've missed something very simple. "I met this guy. He's really cute." My face obviously betrays my absolute desolation. "What's up?" she asks, "we were no-strings, I could have NOT told you about this guy.." I can't think. My world has just been smashed. No strings... yes, thats what she said...but how could she do this?

Italian guy never calls her, but the dream has been smashed. She goes clubbing, trying to pick up "fit guys", it's only a matter of time before one comes home with her. I withdraw into my shell, I cry a lot. I want to pack up my things and find somewhere else to live; in fact I have once already, but she was so upset (as was I) I came back. Trouble is, is it me she was sad to lose, or a mug of a lodger she could manipulate and the rent each month? Moving away means not seeing Julie ever again, and I would miss her as a friend that I have shared so much with. I am absolutely heartbroken and have no idea what to do for the best. Please help me.
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 18:49, 28 replies)

NEVER fuck friends
it always goes tits up. if you think you're gutted now, how do you think you'll feel when she's in her bedroom, shagging some bloke she's picked up? do you really want to be there to hear that? if it was all "no strings", she should't have such a hard time with you leaving, which i suggest you do. right now.
make a clean break, it'll be easier in the long run.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 19:01, closed)

cheers dude
part of me thinks this, but the pther part doesn't want to hear it, so it's good to hear this from someone else
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:40, closed)

You could try not being a sadsack muppet.
(mysterious_w, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 19:02, closed)

You have disappointed me
I'd bet quite a lot that this (or something like it) would be the first reply.

With regards to the OP, leave. On your way out, steal various small yet vital items. My suggestions would be the corkscrew, every packet of Ibuprofen in the house, and all the spare pillows.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 1:12, closed)

To be fair, you weren't looking for a partner. You were looking for a place to stay that's close to your work. You didn't like any of the other places or landlords. You found a great place, with a landlord who you seem to get along fine with, who is willing to cook and spend time with you.

You have the following two options:

1- Take it for what it is. A place to live near work with a friend (with occasional benefits) who you happened to fall for (overstepping your boundaries) in a no strings agreement of sorts.

2- Leave it behind and find somewhere else to live if the situation is too painful for you.

Take a minute to collect yourself. She is not likely looking for a relationship with you, but you were there when she needed someone. A friends-with-benefits situation is not meant to be permanent, but it's fun while it lasts. You can accept it for what it is and enjoy it, or hold out that it'll become something more and deal with the emotional rollercoaster that will inevitably come with.

It really depends on you and how well you cope with commitment, attachment, friendship, and loss. Personally, I would treat it the same way I treat a vacation. A great time to be had, with all the "now this is the life" that comes with it, the occasional wish that it could be permanent, and a night getting incredibly drunk when I realise I have to go home soon. Don't waste your whole vacation bummed out that it's temporary. Enjoy yourself.

I'll leave you with this: I've never regretted a vacation.
(Turtlenuts, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 19:23, closed)

I found this so incisive - truly thought provoking. Thanks man
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:43, closed)

aye
made me think too
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then i stopped
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 1:11, closed)

Speaking as a woman who has had casual sex with male friends
I would never, never have done or said anything to them that would humiliate them or hurt their feelings and I would never tolerate it if they did that to me. Did you make it quite clear that you were unhappy and shocked? If so (and I'm inclined to think you did) she is being a complete bitch and manipulating you, so you should get the hell out.

People who care about each other apologise for hurting each other's feelings, even if they are just very casual friends and even if they aren't certain that feelings have been hurt.

If, on the other hand, you are brilliant at hiding your facial expressions and said nothing to her that indicated any displeasure, then tell her how you feel and see if she responds. If not, hand in your notice or have a massive head-fuck for months, while paying her to do it.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 20:30, closed)

Interesting you use the word "manipulating" - my female friend mentioned in the story used the same word. Surely she's not that calculating? Or am I that naive?
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:44, closed)

Get out.
If she wants you to move back in to make things serious, she'll have to say so. Sounds like she doesn't. Moving back in because she's upset is not a good enough reason if you're upset to be there. As it stands, she's sad to lose an occasional shag and a lodger. Who's feelings do you value the most, yours or hers?
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 20:46, closed)

very true. Stupid thing is, I think I'd rather be unhappy than make soemone else unhappy. I'm bloody ripe for being made a mug of arent I?
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:45, closed)

Er, yes.
Sounds like it. If the sex has now gone as well, then it sounds like its not coming back any time soon. If she values you as a friend, you can meet up after you've moved out. Its what friends do and you've been kicked squarely back into the friend zone. If she wants a relationship, she can let you know later. What possible objection could she have to you moving out?

I'd never guilt trip a friend of mine into moving back in when I know that I could go out and see them or have them visit. That's not normal behaviour and sounds extremely manipulative.
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 19:44, closed)

Ask her if she wants to make a serious relationship of it.
If so, then all is well and good provided you can put the other guy out of your mind. If you really can't let that go, maybe walk away.
If she isn't up for that, go on your way and chalk it up to a list of 'ah, fuck.' experiences.
Not much else that can be done while saving your dignity.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 11 Jan 2011, 21:04, closed)

SAving my dignity - yes, I'd like that very much. I'm thinking it's too late for that
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:47, closed)

She sounds a bit mad
But I suspect the prospects are gloomy.

She has what seems to be a reliable, normal person 'available' to her, and clearly she doesn't have any objection to how you look / behave.

There are two possibilites -

a) Despite having a stable relationship there for the taking, she chooses not to, and chooses to go out on the prowl instead - if that's the case, it's unlikely that you are what she is looking for.

b) Is is possible she doesn't realise what you want yet? You have nothing to lose except a convenient place to live if you make that clear. If she doesn't want that, you were never going to get what you wanted anyway, so you've lost nothing. So tell her.

I think Smash Monkey said something quite important. If she really only saw you as a convenient fuck/income supplement, she wouldn't have bothered to get you back there. It doesn't sound like she'd have much trouble replacing you as a lodger, if it was only about the rent.

Don't sit there wondering. talk to her. At least if she says piss off, you can start getting on with your life.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 9:36, closed)

Stay
and next time your in bed with her slam fuck her up the shitter!!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 21:23, closed)

This made me laugh - thank you, need all the laughs I can get! The bedroom priveleges have dispappeared... we still get on great, but there's a definite gap between us now
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:47, closed)

You've had your cake and ate it
when there is no more cake, at least you have a tum full of cake. Better than those who never even saw cake in the first place. I'm fine for cake now but back when I was in your situation 8 years ago I would have killed for that kind of cake.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:18, closed)

This cake is the prettiest, tastiest cake ever.... but more than that, there's this thing that I can't explain that makes me come back / stay even when I know in my heart of hearts the chances are it's going to end in tears (mine)
(SausageWarrior destination Zululand, come on boys jump in the van, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:49, closed)

Another two things to consider
1. If you haven't had the snip, what happens if she gets pregnant? There's always this risk in any sexual relationship that involves non 100% reliable contraception. What happens then? Would you enjoy having an open relationship with her if she has your baby (or some other guy's) or would it totally screw your head up? Also, what happens if she picks something up off one of the hot guys she brings back or shags elsewhere? Casual sex can be fun for a while (it was for me), but the more you do it, the more risks you take. Most of the people I know in long-term open relationships have herpes, chlamydia or similar infections.

2. If you haven't been constantly going on to her in a bantery way about all the hot girls you've seen lately, why should she suddenly bring pulling hot men up in conversation and assume you'd want to talk that way? Strikes me as a tad odd and presumptuous. Unless she's mad or totally lacking in social skills, it sounds like she was doing it deliberately, to hurt you and get a reaction.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 19:27, closed)

Lets face it...
This isn't a long term thing and never will be. My advice is to get as much sex out of your current situation as you can. When is the next time you'll have such a hotty just begging for it?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 23:47, closed)

you better
not forget to shit in her shampoo bottle before you leave. If things are getting a little stale, maybe you two need to spice things up a bit, may i suggest a little bit of munting to start with. (not ugly munting, munting munting)
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 1:15, closed)

Talk to her, tell her what you want.
If all else fails, remove the margarine from the tub, cut in half, seperating top and bottom. Do a shit in the tub and replace top half of margarine. A lovely slow burning present.
(TheColonel, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 8:51, closed)

The big question is
If you knew for sure that sex was NEVER going to happen again, would you still want to be friends with her? Look inside yourself and answer that question honestly. It may make things clearer.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 10:05, closed)

Talk, then leave
Agreeing to go into it on a no-strings basis isn't some emotional vaccination against developing relationshippy type feelings for her later. She should understand this and if she doesn't then you're better off out of it.

As her lodger, you owe her nothing (except perhaps a month's notice). As a friend she should respect your right to protect your own feelings. It sounds like you're going to be unhappy staying or leaving but if you leave it will be temporary unhappiness. So talk to her and ask whether being good friends and enjoying sleeping together isn't a decent basis for a relationship. If it's not enough for her then get out.

Ultimately, wanting to avoid hurting her feelings is a rubbish reason to stay. Also, if she does know that you want a proper relationship with her, your hanging around in the hope of getting that is hardly the most attractive thing you can do. Try to maintain some dignity (I've failed to do this in the past and seriously regretted it). Get out, get on with your life and maybe she'll miss you enough for things to change. Maybe not, but at least you'll be on the way to things new and less hurtful.
(flimflam_machine, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 11:32, closed)

Leave!
Get out now, every time she shags another guy it is going to cut you deeper.
( Regger, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 12:05, closed)

I've had a couple of situations like this over the years. One was a housemate at uni that ended up shagging her next boyfriend in the room above me night after night, the other was an ex that came back, we would hook up every time she needed someone - I wanted the relationship back, she didn't know what she wanted (apart from occasional sex it seemed). Neither situation worked out well for me but I wouldn't say that I regret either of them - tapestry of life and all that.

I'm with the "holiday" guy - I'm going to the carribean for two weeks very soon, I know I'm not going to want to leave, but I certainly don't want to live there permanently.
(stewiegriffin, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 14:23, closed)

Eject! Eject! Eject!
Whatever you do the relationship will never by the same.
You could sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. If she wants you then great, otherwise it's time to pack your bags. You might be able to salvage your friendship but you'll need a bit of time and space for that. You're too close at the mo.
Remember, it's self-preservation, and things will only get worse.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 14:54, closed)