Jonsi...
I wouldn't have thought he was a crush, but then I did act like a blushing and bumbling fool when I met him.

Iffiness? He's a gay guy, and I'm a gay girl.

Plus I would say he's a little bit odd-looking, with a wrongo eye. I made the mistake of looking at that one.


( awayfromthenumbers, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 11:07, 5 replies)

omg its reeeeeeeeally embarassing, but i fancy
Winona Ryder
Bridget Fonda
Holly Walsh
Jennifer Lopez
Lucy Liu
Joan Fontaine
Kelis
Marylin Monroe
Emma Watson
Riannah
Raquel Welsh
Nigella Lawson
The Cadbury's Caramel Bunny
Jessica Rabbit
Jennifer Saunders
Fiona Bruce
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 10:16, 39 replies)

You all those who like funny ladies
I give you

danielleward.co.uk/

She's on the Dave Gorman show on Absolute radio sunday morning which has a great podcast well worth checking out. Especialy "Wards weekly word" where Danielle does a round up of Film & TV. 1st time I heard it I thought she sounds cute so I 'oogled her. She is.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 9:55, 8 replies)

Victoria Stilwell
The Dogganatrix from It's Me or The Dog, she could put me on a lead anyday.
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 9:50, 2 replies)

Boys Don't Cry (1999)
If I admit that Hilary Swank turned my crank, nobody thanks that's too odd, but when I say it's only when she dressed up as a boy, they think I'm a perve.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 3:33, 2 replies)

Jade Goody
I actually thought she was quite attractive, despite being a bell-end
(ElGranto, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 1:16, 4 replies)

Not really iffy
Just an excuse to profess my love for Nadine Chalmers-Ross, a business news reporter here in NZ. Mmmmmmm...

www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Nadine+Chalmers+Ross+Qantas+Film+Television+862Wvd9VLIEl.jpg (me no HTML well)
(ElGranto, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 0:43, 3 replies)

There seems to be a drought of actual stories this week
It's time to rectify that - so sit down, get yourself comfy, and let me tell you the tale of...(dramatic pause)...Fiona, my one true iffy crush.

Our story begins many moons ago (and no, I won't say how many), in a high school in Scotland, in the middle of morning registration

wavylineswavylineswavylineswavylineswavylineswavylineswavylineswavylineswavylineswavylines

As usual, I was sitting beside my good buddy and occasional partner-in-crime Craig, having a heated discussion about the merits of the latest pop craze or TV show it was cool to like. We were so caught up in our discussion, we barely paid any attention to the rest of the room, until Mr Carr (our registration teacher) cleared his throat, and announced, "Class, I'd like you to meet our newest pupil."

Irritated by having our conversation interrupted, I grudgingly turned my head to look with barely-concealed contempt...

And froze.

Standing there, beside Mr Carr's desk, was the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. She stood, shyly clutching a folder, eyes on the ground. She was gorgeous. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, could barely think - it was as if I had been electrocuted. I could feel an incredible tension throughout my entire body, and I became uncomfortably aware of my heart beating in my chest. As I stared and fought to control my breathing, lest it give me away, Mr Carr continued, "Her name is Fiona. It's her first day here, so if she needs any help and directions, I want you all to help her out."

Her eyes flickered upwards for a second, and briefly caught mine before she lowered them again. I felt my heart begin to beat even faster - her eyes! Oh, God, her eyes. The burned themselves into my soul. I had never felt this way before - this incredible, painful attraction and desire for another person. As Mr Carr motioned her to a spare desk, I dealt with my new-found crush in the time-honoured tradition; by turning to my mate, and saying, "Woah, did you get a load of the new girl?"

"Aye, what a munter" he said dismissively. "It's a shame we never get any decent-looking birds in this place"

"What?!" My mouth must have dropped open in shock. "You think she's a munter?"

"Total dog. I wouldn't touch her with yours. Now, as I was saying..."

As Craig restarted our previous conversation, I just sat there in shock, barely joining in. How could he think she was in any way ugly? She was beautiful. It didn't make any kind of sense. So I just sat there, saying very little, while desperately resisting the temptation to turn round and gaze at her.

The bell rang, and we filed out of the room - she was sat near the front, so I lost sight of her in the melee. It turned out she wasn't in any of my classes that morning, so I spent most of the day in a state of distraction, longing to see her again, yet fretting over what I would actually say to her if our paths did cross. I was a wreck, and I'd only seen the girl for a few minutes - I was suffering from the strange kind of obsessive love which only either teenagers or psycho stalkers seem to feel.

Walking between classes, I suddenly spotted her up ahead in the corridor, staring shyly at the floor while shuffling along with everyone else. She was heading towards me, and my stomach flipped out. Oh God, maybe I should talk to her? But what would I say?

As she passed me, the boy who was walking in front of me suddenly caught sight of her, and said, loudly, "Jesus, what an utter minger" As his mates burst out laughing, she turned, looking puzzled, then when she realised they were laughing at her a look of pain flashed across her face. Before I could do or say anything, she was past me. I fumed inside, yet I was also puzzled - she was gorgeous. It couldn't be just my imagination - she genuinely was. So why did everyone else seem to think differently?

After making it through the morning, I headed for lunch in the company of Craig and Tom - Tom was one of Craig's mates, and was the kind of cocky, loud-mouthed one-of-the-lads wankers that seemed to proliferate in high school. Still, he was a mate of a mate, so I put up with him.

Tom was dominating the conversation as usual, probably telling us one of his many (bullshit) stories, when all of a sudden, I noticed her heading the other way again. She had her eyes glued to the ground yet again, hugging a folder to her chest. Her long, blonde hair lay around her shoulders, and her perfect porcelain face looked both beautiful, and fragile.

As we passed her, Tom turned to her, and bellowed, "Hey, Lassie. Shouldn't you have a leash on? Hahaha, what a dog"

I think we both reached the end of our tether at the same time. As I started to say, "Shut up Tom, you massive wanker," she stopped, hugged her folder tighter, and burst into tears. Massive sobs wracked her slim frame, and tears streamed down her eyes. She made no move to cover her face or move away - she just stood there, and cried.

At that moment, I knew what I had to do. Ignoring my inner instinct, which was screaming at me to not make a fool of myself, I stepped forward, and spread my arms. She looked at me, uncomprehending, before I stepped forward and threw my arms around her.

Ignoring the mocking cheers behind me, I held her against me, feeling her sobs grow weaker. She detached a hand from her folder to wipe her eyes, then gazed up at me. As I stared into her gorgeous face, with its delicate nose, large eyes, and sumptuous mouth, I found myself saying, "My God, you're beautiful."

She sniffed, and whispered, "So why does everyone keep calling me ugly."

I sighed deeply. "Well," I said, "going by most of the posts on this QOTW, no-one seems to be able to tell the difference between someone who is unmistakeably attractive, and someone who no sane person could fancy."

"Really?" She looked at me. "But wouldn't that make them fucking idiots?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes it would"

True story
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 23:49, 14 replies)

my Auntie
(Factorypilot This,Now,Before,After, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 23:32, 2 replies)

Tilda Swinton
Hottest Ice Queen ever! She can put my hairy sack in ice any day.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 23:30, 4 replies)

My form tutor at 6th form...
She wore short skirts, high heels, and fairly low cut tops. She seemed to have a tendancy to bend forwards when facing me, affording me quite a view - or was that just in the mind of a hormonal 17 year old? She actually had a very nice figure. I thought she was attractive, too, until one of my mates pointed out she looked just like Bev Bevan, the drummer in ELO.
It was never really the same after that...
(Captain Coffee Break, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 23:23, 4 replies)

Medic from Team Fortress 2
And Vladimir Putin. Either have sex with him or give him a hug. He just looks so saaad, like his puppy just died.
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 21:49, 2 replies)

Halifax and Family Guy
The bird who sings ""ISA ISA Baby" and Hayley from Family Guy. Does that make me wrong?
(Reiver, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 21:47, 5 replies)

My gay mate's first crush?
Aged 5. Optimus Prime. The Transformer. "Because he was macho," which oddly is exactly the opposite of his type these days.
(Richard of York gained battles in vain, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 21:26, 4 replies)

The bird off of Supernanny
No idea why, I just would!
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

Kate Mccann
Who might be top of a few people's lists, but not the way I imagine it. Maybe you're familiar with the sex-version of bucking bronco, in which you say the name of an ex whilst shagging your current, then see how long you can hold on for.

Well, that's what I'd like to try with Mrs Mccann, except instead of an ex's name, I'd shout "come on, you did it didn't you?".

Also works for Amanda Knox.
( Sheriff John Bunnell https://twitter.com/thewonderfulgam, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 21:14, 1 reply)

I'd like to drown her dumplings in my white gravy
The 'OXO Lady' Linda Bellingham I think she is called.

I remember hating her bald headed 'husband'.

The twat.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 20:47, 3 replies)

I think my missus wins:
Ed Balls

(and she gives /me/ grief for liking Kathy Sykes!)
(Vainomoinen went looking for the Sampo on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 20:39, 1 reply)

Rachel Maddow of MSNBC fame.
I'd love to fuck the lesbian right out of her.

(Yeah, I know she's fit so it's not really an appropriate answer for this week, but since she doesn't like teh cock and all...)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 11 Oct 2011, 20:32, 2 replies)

I keep
thinking that a blonde, Danish, lesbian would suit my needs.

The only one that springs to mind is Sandi Toksvig.

Fuck it, why not?
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 20:17, 2 replies)

My mum. Let me explain . . .
I’d love to try to bury my way, face first, back into the cunt she squirted me out of all those years ago, lapping up the last gritty mucal productions of her grey, mottled sagging clunge, with two fingers buried up to the knuckle in her quivering haemorrhoid-ringed arsehole.

Pausing only for another two deep, heavy snorts of amyl nitrate, after gently tracing her hysterectomy scar with my pulsing angry cock, I’d tear back into passionately tounging her knackered fuck-hole, bringing her to a fierce screaming orgasm, before flipping her round and stuffing my throbbing cock deep inside her greasy, pre-fingered anus, pumping her as hard as i could, her deflated tits flapping with each thrust.

Eventually, when her cries of pleasure turn to yelps of pain, i can take my excitement no more, and end up spunking wad after wad of my hot, creamy fucklove into her collapsed fudge tunnel.

In the back of my uncles Honda accord.

With my dad, knocking on the window, delivering a Meat Feast thin and crispy waiting to be savoured in my post orgasmic bliss, while my mum nips back into the house to put the kettle on.

With the grease from the pizza, i draw a heart shape on the window, fart idly, but realise that i am SO relaxed, i follow through, drenching the back seats if a quagmire of my stinking effluent.

Looking round embarrassed, i see my mum returning with the tea, but before she gets back into the car, she notices the revolting diarrhoea soaked back seats, her mouth falling open with shock . .

. . . or is it lust?

She climbs back into the car, and tells me “Don’t worry son. Don’t worry. We all have accidents from time to time.” and leans in to kiss me, to let me know that everything is going to be oK.

Our mouths meet, and open, our tongues exploring each others mouths like love-sick slugs, and she gathers a handful of the liquid shit we are both sitting in, making sure her whole hand is covered. She pulls my head back by the hair, so i can get a proper look at her sliding her fist, lubricated by shit, deep into her glistening, dusty cunt.

It doesn’t take her long to cum this time, she arches her back and lets out along animalistic moan, before pulling her fist out of herself and letting me suck her fingers dry.

“Happy birthday, son,” she says.

"I love you, mum” I'd say.

“I know, son,” she says, stroking my hair, “I know.”




Just . . the answers were getting a bit dull.
First time post, and all.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 17:27, 27 replies)

And I'll go for a two for one vote as they could be mother and daughter
Debi Mazar ever since 'Beethoven's Second' and LA Law, and also Fairuza Balk from the film 'The Craft'.
I also thought Brittany Murphy in 'Clueless' was worth a go but then she actually became quite fit. Less so now....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:46, 1 reply)

The corpse of Steve Jobs
...fuck him!
( mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:28, Reply)

Margi Clark
I know she could do bad things to me.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:28, 4 replies)

Kirsty Allsop
She sound so frightfully plummy, like she got my plums in her mouth. Any posh bird really
(alithebastard, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:25, 1 reply)

Leanne Chung...
...the bitchy scouse EasyJet employee as seen on that 'Airline' TV documentary.

Yes, I know I need help.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 16:07, 2 replies)

Alan Titchmarsh
It is one of those mysterious things. It could be his soft Northern tones, his handiness around a garden, his wry smile...or that I have amazingly odd taste in men.

I've always enjoyed Ground Force but read his autobiogrpahy and just thought "What a lovely, down to earth chap". Sadly that is what does it for me these days. Please don't judge.
(CarryOnKay, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 15:14, 5 replies)